Unsent message

The following contains the gist of a message that I unsent:

"I'm just ranting at people who I like or who look at my Instagram stories right now, no response necessary. Anyway, I've been wondering what exactly is wrong with me that makes me forever single or feel like I have no real relationships that go from me to other people. I don't ask people I know how they're doing (like I didn't ask you that question when I messaged you before), and even if I do ask someone that, I don't really care. I think in order to have a real relationship with someone, you have to actually care how they're doing/feeling. Sometimes it seems (from other people's perspective) that I am blind to their minds/feelings, like I am just thinking out loud, but I'm not autistic; I can tell when there's like happiness in someone's voice and I've always been comfortable interacting with strangers. I'm not really anybody's true friend, I'm just sort of like a distant acquaintance to everybody. On my Instagram bio before I put that I am "entirely self-interested", but I don't think that's the right word because I'll see an Instagram story by someone I know or knew where the location tag is a distant country and I'll be curious about for what reason they are in that country, and curiosity is a form of interest. Like when I meet someone I'll ask them basic questions about themselves like what they do for a living and where they're from, and that interest is natural and genuine. I don't know what the exact right word is but I lack something, like I've had lots of crushes and I genuinely like lots of people but maybe I don't truly love other people? I dunno - I've kinda just accepted that I'm going to die alone."

- John