The Muffin Stuff

>Day 572 in Ponyville
>You, Rainbro and Pinkie are out in the park
>Pinkie is absolutely cocked on LSD and you and Rainbro are laughing your asses off
>She tries to do a cartwheel, but forgets what she's doing mid-jump and just falls, laughing
"Damn, Pinkie, what, did you pass out?"
>"Uh... Pfft! I don't pass out!"
>Rainbro is fucking dying
>"Holy hell Pinkie, you're so damn high!"
>Pinkie looks back and gets giddy again
>"Silly-filly! You should see what I'm like at a REAL party!"
>If this is going where you think it's going, you won't be bored Friday night
"I'd love to see that, for one."
>"Me too, Pinks," says Dash, still chuckling
>"Well this Friday...
>Bingo
>"...I'm heading to this BIGGIE BIGGIE BIG SUPER DUPER RAVE PARTY! And you two could come if you want!"
>You and Rainbow don't even have to look at each other
>"Buck YES!"
"For SURE!"
>premise_established.mp3

>Three days pass and BOOM it's Friday
>Waiting for Dash to come back home
>You're still rooming with her until you can find somewhere besides your burned-down-house to live in
>So far it's been RADICAL
>She comes home
>You've already got a couple shots of Applejack Daniels ready to start the night off right
>"Damn, Anon, you know how to welcome a lady home!"
"You getting pumped for tonight?
>She's already downed her shot
>"Shit is gonna be OFF THE HOOK! Did you hear buckin' Vinyl Scratch is playing?"
"All the way from Manehattan? No way!"
>"She made the trip! It's gonna be THAT jammin!"
>You down your shot and almost smash it on the table
"Damn this is gonna ROCK!"
>You and Dash head out for the rave
>It's all the way on the other side of Ponyville, but eventually you get there
>To your suprise:
>It's, apparently, in Applejack's new apple cellar. Her huge-ass, sound-system and neon light-loaded apple cellar.
>Fuck, now you've got to worry about Applerapist's rufies in your E.

>You enter the Apple cellar into a sea of ponies that looks like a scene from Batman: Forever
>Holy shit you look like some kind of strange god as you descend in your human form
>thepartydontstarttilliwalkin.jpg
>The first thing you notice is how kick-ass this cellar is
>It's all rigged with neon and flashing lights and it's so big it looks like some underground apocalypse-survival-complex
>"This... is... AWESOME!"
>Dash is enjoying herself
>The second thing you notice is how kick-ass this beat is.
>You and the Dash immediately seek out Pinkie Pie
>After wading through bodies and saying hi to familiar faces every now and then, you spot the pink party pony; stone-cold sober
>"Oh HEY Anon! Welcome to the party!"
"Yo! Pinks! You didn't tell me Applejack threw down parties like this!"
>"Yeah, Pinkie, this is 200% awesome!"
>A voice comes from behind
>"Ah'm glad ya' like it, you two."
>Fuck, Applejerk.
"Oh, hey Jacks."
>"'Sup!" Dash mimics

>"Hay, Rainbow! Hey, Anon." She says your name just a bit more seductively. Not a good sign.
>As she gets a little closer you can tell she's either been drinking or she's on something by the way she's putting her hooves down.
>"Yall' havin' a good time?"
"This party is RAD!"
>Rainbow tries to act cool
>"Swag."
>"Good. Yall' enjoy yer'selves, an' Ah'll probably come an' find yall' when the party really kicks up!"
>She goes off into the cround and you can see her dancing past a wall of people
>Damn, for a simple working redneck pony, she can bucking DANCE
>She's drawing crowds now.
>You're bucking famous across EQUESTRIA for your amazing bi-pedal freaky-dance skills
>No way in hell is she stealing your thunder.
>Turn around
"Yo, pinks, you got any hits of anything?"
>"Thought you'd never ask, Anon! I got the Red kind, the Blue kind, the SKY Blue kind, the BLACK kind, the kind with Smily faces..."
"Just gimmie something that'll give me some dance-fuel."
>"Cutting a rug, Anon? Gettin' down? You want Derpy's shit!"
>She pulls a tab with a drawing of a muffin on it out of nowhere
>Dash looks on as you hit it
>Bucking nothing
>Bucking nothing
>"Anon, you feeling it yet?"
"Yeah, Pinkie, I think maybe Derpy might have blown this ba-
>Holy shit
>Limbs trembling
>Ponies becoming monsters
>Lights secreting liquids
>SWAG. LEVELS. OFF. THE. CHARTS.

>You bust through the melting wall of ponies to a medieval dance-Colosseum to face off to the death with AJ
>She only has to look at you once before it's all-out war.
>Applejack fuckin' does some kind of spinning shit
>You do that same spinn-y shit, but with, like, a backflip
>You actually have been just standing there, imagining yourself doing these things
>Okay, really dance now.
>You manage to pull off some michael-jackson shit including a moonwalk and you execute it surprisingly well
>AJ responds with some more buck-y pony-dance
>She's gliding her hooves on the cement like a boss
>She does, like, a side-flip
>You should do a side-flip too
>You just do a cartwheel toward her
>Wait
>Now your body is hurdling towards Applajack at what feels like a million miles per hour
>SWERVE TO AVOID, SWERVE TO AVOID
>You manage to land on your feet in a powerstance, right in back of AJ
>She's still going strong
>All of a sudden, she starts grinding up on you
>Fuck it, son, you're high as hell
>You start grinding back
>This goes on a while
>que drug-induced black-out

>Now you're sitting at a bar. Maybe?
>The 'keep comes over and plops a shot down in front of you.
>Yep, it's a bar
>You're noticeably more sober now, Derpy's mega-acid must have worn off a little
>You consider leaving that shot there, but you knock it back anyways
>What the fuck happened between grinding Applejack and now?
>And then it hits you
>The last thing you were doing when you blacked out was grinding Applerapist
>Swag levels significantly decreased
>Now you've gotta go on a mission to figure out what the hell happened
>"Yo, Anon, you okay?"
>Turn to the left
>No pony there
>Turn right
>Holy fuck
>DJ PON-3 is sitting right the fuck next to you at the bar
"Oh shit. Fuck."
>"Dude what?"
"DUDE. YOU'RE FAMOUS."
>"Yeah? What is it, wanna go down on me or somethin'"
>You think at that sentence for a second
"...did I?"
>Vinyl is looking at you funny and you're praying you didn't rustle her jimmies, because she's your only lead right now.
"Wait, I can explain that."
>"Mmh hmm?"
"I just woke up. I blanked out for the last... whenever. Uhh... Can you help me?"
>Vinyl stares at you like you're fucking nuts, then she starts to crack up

>Once vinyl finished up her studio audience imitation, you remind her that you need her to explain some shit
>"Ahaha.. oh Celestia, you're bucking funny! Dude, I'm sorry, I can't help you. I've just been talking to you for the past few minutes, I don't know much."
>Fuck.
"Well.. what was I talking about? Maybe I said something that can give me a clue or something."
>After another fucking laughing-fit, Vinyl starts to regail your ocnversation
>"Okay... okay... I sat down, and then you were all like, 'DUDE, YOU'RE FAMOUS', and then I was all like, 'Yeah, whatever', then you got kinda sad. I was like, 'What's up', and you started mumbling stuff I couldn't hear over the beats. It was something about a video tape and a back room and... Pinks? That's all I know."
>So you're looking for a tape, and pinkie pie, and a back-room of some sort. Looking around, you appear to be even deeper into this massive batcave of an apple cellar. there has to be a back room somewhere.
"Dude, you have no idea how much that helps me. What time is it, anyways?"
>Vinyl scoffs at you once again and replies, "Dude, it's... it's around 11.
>It was about 8 when you were dancing.
"Fuck, I've been out since 8. That's 3 hours."
>Vinyl laughs her ass off, and it's starting to annoy you.
>"Dude... ahhahaha! Dude, you've GOTTA learn to buckin' handle your acid!"
>You think for a moment.
"Dude, Scratch... if you're here... who's playing tunes?"
>The DJ pony points a hoof to the back of the room, there the DJ's lair is.
>"Dude... the Queen's covering for me. She does it all the buckin' time... she rocks!"
>You turn
>Holy fuck
>The Queen is a pink blur across the turn tables

>You say goodbye to Vinyl and start to enter the crowd of ponies that surrounds the DJ's pit
>It's getting thicker and thicker as you move in
>at this point, you can't move your legs without kneeing somepony in the jaw or flank
>You think
>There's only one way to spread out a crowd this thick
>STOP
>HAMMERTIME
>You push some ponies to the side and start motherfucking CUTTING A RUG
>Ponies are widening out to a huge circle, creating yet another dance-Colosseum
>Holy shit, if these ponies knew who MC Hammer was, they'd think you were him
>Your buddy Lickety Split has started getting everyp0ny chanting, "AN-NON, AN-NON, AN-NON!"
>You're digging on their love as you inch closer and closer to the Queen
>suddenly
>You climb up and tackle Pinkie to the ground
>Parts of the beat go on, some stop entirely
>Everyp0ny instantly gets pissed because you harshed the party
>Feel slightly bad, but you reserve your energy for keeping the squirming and laughing pinkie on the ground

>Ponies start screaming, "Fix the tunes, loser!"
>A voice comes from the back of the room
>"FUCKIN' MAKE WAY!"
>Vinyl Scratch parts the sea of bodies like Moses
>She walks down the new aisle to the tables and gets back to her post
>The music starts pumping with a new song, and it's the best song of the night as far as you remember
>But back to squealing Pinkie
>"*Giggle*, Ahhaha! Anon, get off! What's up!?"
"Pinkie, I need to ask you what happened tonight!"
>She slips out of your grasp in a moment and now she's standing over you
>"Hahahh! Oh, Celestia, you blacked out? Oh man! That's so.. funny! You know how to..."
>She's clearly taken one of the many drugs she brought with her, probably some E. She falls down next to you like you're in a god damn field of flowers.
"Pinkie."
>You grab her face with your hands and get her attention on you again
>"Yeah, Anon?" She sounds a little TOO seduced.
"Pinkie. What the fuck has happened to me since 8 PM?"
>Pinkie thinks about it for a moment and responds
>"Well, first, we were in the park, and I tried to do this awesome cartwheel..."
>She's not getting it
"No, Pinks, I mean since you gave me that hit of acid!"
>"Oh! Yeah, Jack's stuff! Wait..."
"Wait. No. you gave me stuff from Derpy Hooves."
>Her face starts to go slightly white
>"...yeaaahhhh."
"Pinkie, that stuff WAS from Derpy, right?"
>She looks at you numbly and wiggles her legs a little in her drug-induced euphoria
>"The Muffin stuff, yeah?"
"YEAH."
>"Yeah, that's Applejack's. I mean Derpy's. You're Anon, right?"

>Okay. So Pinkie Pie gave you fucked-up spy-drugs from Applejack. Take Pinkie off the bro list.
"Pinks, that's seriously not cool."
>"But the muffin stuff is like, 'POWIE ZOWIE'!!!"
>She reaches into her saddlebag and grabs a hit of the Muffin stuff.
>You respond by smacking her bag and knocking a bunch of hits of various things everywhere
>"AWW, WHAT THE HAY, ANON?!"
>Random passing ponies start picking up the now-free drugs
>You grab her face again
"OKAY. I'VE HEARD STUFF ABOUT SOME KIND OF BACK ROOM. EXPLAIN THAT."
>Pinkie thinks for a second
>"Oh, the back room just over there? Remember, that's where we went and you and y-"
>Suddenly Pinkie decides to be tight-lipped.
"Okay, you're a lost cause now."
>You throw her to the side and start to stomp through the crowd to the door Pinkie pointed to
>You open it
>My god

>It's a smaller room made for holding barrels of cider, but it has a bed in it. And candles. And a camera. On a tripod.
>When you see Applerapist, she's gonna have some motherfuckin' 'splainin' to do
>You go to inspect the camera
>still on, not recording
>No tape inside
>You mull over the bed
>The bed has some stains on it
>You're quick to think the worst, but upon further inspection, the sheets smell like booze, not mare-juices
>On an end table next to the bed, there's a small assortment of liquor and used glasses
>You come to the conclusion that shit may or may not have gone down in here, and you need to get that motherfucking tape if you're ever gonna find out the truth
>The only person you think could have the tape is Applejack
>You exit the "back room" to search for your rapist target

>You spend the next half hour wandering aimlessly through different rooms of this apple cellar
>Holy shit if the zombie apocalypse ever comes and I haven't killed her by the end of tonight, I'm bunking with Applejack
>Every room has a crowd, and a lot of them have their own little kinks like bobbing for apples and body-painting and shit
>Keep asking people where Applejack is
>The Doctor says, "I don't know where she is now, but tomorrow she'll be crying. You two okay?"
>Bon Bon says, "You don't know? Jeez, Anon, you just juggle 'em, huh?"
>Luna says, "The last time we saw her, she was going to the bar."
>Decide to just check the bar again
>Head back down there
>Don't find Applejack, but run into Bro Macintosh
>immediate brohoof
"Hey, Mac, have you seen your sister around?"
>"Eyyup."
>facepalm
"Do you know where she is? It's kinda important."
>"'Reckon she left the cellar a few seconds ago to get some fresh air. 'Spose she needed some after that fun yall' had in that back room."
>Big Mac starts encroaching on you, like a big brother would
>Take Big Mac off the bro list. Twice.

>You just turn around and start to dash for the main room because that's the only way you know to end the awkward moment
>Damn, now your bro list has decreased by two
>Applejack is just fucking EVERYTHING up for you tonight
>You climb what feels like a million stairs to the surface
>Opening the hatch, you look around
>Sure enough, there's Applejack, talking with Rainbro Dash next to the barn
>Stomp the fuck over with more swag than you can even handle right now
"Alright, you're gonna explain everything to me, RIGHT NOW."
>Applejack turns and looks at you, and both hers and RD's faces get red
>"Explain WHAT exactly, Anon?"
>Oh she's playing dumb
"Look, you didn't think I'd figure shit out? You drug up some Acid, give it to Pinkie, tell her to make me think it's from Derpy, then you take me into some closet and try to date-rape me while I'm fucked?"
>She looks at you for a few beats with a blank expression
>Her eyes flash to Dash, but you don't take yours off of her
"Well? WHERE'S THE FUCKING TAPE?"
>Suddenly, dash speaks up
>Her wings are slightly extended and she's blushing, but you chalk that up to her being under the influence of the Muffin shit too.
>"Uh, here, Anon. I wrestled the tape from this cunt myself! I haven't.. watched it?"
>You ignore her wimpy tone and take the tape.
"Swag, Dash. Swag."
>You bro-hoof her real quick

>Turn your attention back to Jack
>She looks at you and dash almost defeatedly
>"Ahh... Ah'm sorry, Anon..."
>She starts blushing
>You shake the tape at her a little, then stare at it for a bit
>You take the tape, and break it in half in front of her, then throw the pieces on the ground
>Dash chimes in
>"You're not... gonna watch it?"
"No."
>Attention turns to applejack
"I'm gonna give you the benefit of the doubt on this one, jack, but if you so much as look at my ass again, so help me, I will have you HAULED AWAY."
>It's the middle of the night
>You're tired
>Turn to that Blue pegasus who just got upgraded to #1 on your bro list
"Lets roll, dash."
>"Yeah... lets get outta here. I just need to... get a few shots for the road."
"Alright, I'll see ya back home."
>You shoot AJ another dirty look before you walk off.
>Dash walks back over to AJ and stands next to her
>"So, Ah reckon err'y thing worked out juss' fine fer ya, huh, Dashie?"
>"...Shut up..."
>"What's wrong? Ya got him ta' rut ya and ya' still get ta' be his friend! All the blame's on ol' Applejack. Seems like you've clearly drawn the longest straw, here."
>"...I still feel... like a rapist. Besides, we didn't even do anything. He had whiskey-dick."
>Applejack cracks up at the thought
>Rainbow dash turns to get herself and your oblivious ass some drinks