Eli, an explanation

Enter the Domain: sorry.  Uhh.  Thought police had showed up at my door.
Paulsen: Ohhh.
Enter the Domain is now Away.
Paulsen: I'm surprised I never told you.
Enter the Domain is now Online.
Enter the Domain: you tried.  But all that came out was "WHY?!  IT HURTS!"
Enter the Domain: Lack of description in it's entirety has a lot to do with not knowing what you're talking about but being worried anyways.
Enter the Domain: So yeah.  I had absolutely no idea what you're talking about.  But now at least there's a connection.  Because I still don't(decay of time).  But I know the when and why.
Paulsen: I think I was scared to tell you because I was alone(or felt that way).
Paulsen: I didn't know you enough to really say much.
Paulsen: My mom thought that me getting on the computer meant that I was officially shutting the world as a whole out.
Enter the Domain: It was the period where I yelled at you to be more coherent and specific.  Afterwards was when I told you to stop crying and identify the issue instead.
Paulsen: And that I needed "mental/spiritual help" to cope with the things.
Paulsen: Thing is, I'm looking at this in hindsight.
Paulsen: I just repressed this memory and it came out during chat.
Enter the Domain: No, what you needed was to know how to tell people to eat hot shit in an appropriate manor.
Paulsen: Oh I told him.
Paulsen: "You're not my dad, and if you touch me I'll call the cops."
Paulsen: Then had me sit outside in the 100 degree heat and tell my brothers, "Your older brother is going to grow up as a crackhead."
Paulsen: The two year old at the time didn't know wtf was happening, my brother used this as a way to start avoiding me.
Paulsen: Shit I'm sorry if this is all coming out now.
Paulsen: I just never talked about it because I always thought people would see me as just another "trauma case".
Paulsen: It's why I harbored so much hatred against my mom.
Enter the Domain: no such thing as just another trauma case.  Only people who aren't prepared to listen.
Paulsen: It felt stupid at the time and it still feels worse now.
Enter the Domain: All cases are different but comparable.
Paulsen: It also was probably that subconsciously-
Paulsen: I didn't want to be "just another angsty teenager."
Paulsen: That's probably what you were seeing but I was trying to explain, and failing horribly.
Enter the Domain: only way to do that is to be a book worm.
Enter the Domain: By trying not to be, you ended up first a horrible mess, and then an angry and angsty teen.
Paulsen: Exactly what happened.
Paulsen: I'll start from the beginning.
Paulsen: If you're willing to hear at least.
Enter the Domain: "Trying not to be just another trauma case."  Is almost the deffinition of teen angst by the way.
Enter the Domain: You have issues but you're too cool to let them effect you.  :|
Enter the Domain: I will listen.  Pardon the snippet responses.
Paulsen: After my dad leaves in 2011, my mom sees me getting bullied, even mentions it to me, physically seeing me get shoved down a hill and being too scared to do anything.
Paulsen: You might remember this time period as when I was really docile with being insulted.
Enter the Domain: You did nothing but say hello.
Enter the Domain: and "okay"
Enter the Domain: Following orders from anybody.
Paulsen: She mentions it to my dad, who instead of being a fucking dad ends up scaring me and saying, "I'll ventilate him myself."
Paulsen: So I keep low, head down- Quiet. The grey man who just wants to be left alone.
Paulsen: I didn't want anyone to get hurt.
Paulsen: Turns out, he was saying it to my mom in front of me(must've been a tough guy thing for him) but one night comes up to me, asks who they are so he can talk to the principal.
Paulsen: Damage is done. I'm too damn scared to say anything.
Paulsen: This was during one of my last visits to him.
Enter the Domain: the issues of figures of speech.
Paulsen: This is around the time my frequency as being the library kid becomes more and more and more and more apparent.
Paulsen: I know I considered you a "friend" at the time, but outside of that, my "friends" in real life were fucking dicks who used me for just about everything. I never stood up for myself.
Paulsen: This is around the time you start seeing the slow form of "Don the character", the guy I wished I could've been. I started making drafts, learning how to write in my spare time in the library- Reading where I could, and taking notes where I couldn't.
Enter the Domain: and worrying your mom making her do more and more illogical things to try getting you to fit into her ideas of what you should be.
Paulsen: Mom slowly sees me, hiding- Holding my anger away, realizing(maybe even thinking) that the divorce really fucking screwed me up. Probably saw it as, "Without a father figure in his life, how is Don supposed to learn how to be a man
Paulsen: ?"
Paulsen: It came to a head one day when a kid threw me against my mom's car and I gave him a concussion with a textbook and nearly broke his neck by jamming the textbook in his throat and almost slamming it in there.
Paulsen: Mom yelled at me, begged to stop, and told me to get in the car.
Paulsen: *begged me
Enter the Domain: her deffinition of a man is pretty darned awful if I do say so myself.  And I quite do say so.  Just look at your dad.  Hahaha.
Paulsen: Cue the family that starts the whole shitshow. They're friends of my brother's. They go to church with him, and they seem like *alright* folk.
Paulsen: She brings me to their house and I'm a fucking angry mess. I eat. I mind myself and the dad decides to pry as to why I look horrible, like I'd cried.
Paulsen: "My mom saw me fight someone."
Paulsen: Now, I should mention I'd been going to this family regularly, but didn't figure out why they were asking me so many damn questions.
Paulsen: "Is it about your dad? Are you mad he left?"
Paulsen: "What? No, could care less about him." The dad in this family has some kind of degree in psychology.
Paulsen: Anyway. My mom comps me with these people, thinking that all I needed was "a stable family situation, even if it was just exposure to one."
Paulsen: I'm still talking with you guys beforehand, never mention anything about it because I doubt anybody gives a singular fuck.
Paulsen: Hope I haven't lost you, old friend.
Enter the Domain: What?  No.
Paulsen: She keeps me with this family, and slowly I grow to have a hatred for them, because the dad is some ex-Army chaplain/infantryman type deal.
Paulsen: Served in Iraq/Afghanistan or some shit.
Paulsen: He comes across some of my notes for Don one day, glances at them, I try to grab it and he sort of shoves me back.
Paulsen: "What you got here kid?"
Paulsen: Glances through some of them and laughs.
Paulsen: "You want to be an Army Ranger?! That's a fucking good joke if I've heard one, holy moly."
Paulsen: I get my notes back, and this is during Spring.
Paulsen: I've already spent my November and December with these shitheels who(behind my back) tell my brothers how horrible of a person I am, how to never become like me.
Paulsen: You know what the worst part was?
Paulsen: His cousin in the Navy comes by.
Paulsen: This is around the same time and he's got his nephew with him. My brothers are really cool and I hit it off with the nephew.
Paulsen: The dad says I'm "a work in progress" when the Navy cousin asks about why I'm so introverted.
Paulsen: Says "he's more of a troublemaker than he's worth."
Enter the Domain is now Away.
Paulsen: I don't really give a shit, but what killed me was when he went to go reach out for my brothers for hugs as he was about to leave.
Paulsen: Hugs both of my brothers and I thought he was motioning to me and you know I think naturally he wants me to give him a hug. "Cool!"
Paulsen: "Nah, not you Eli, you're not as important as these two, they actually accomplished things."
Paulsen: Which is where all my self-confidence issues and comparisons to others stem from now that I slowly understand it.
Enter the Domain is now Online.
Paulsen: Said, "Maybe if you were as successful as your two little brothers you'd be worth my time."
Enter the Domain: The number of times i've yelled at you to stop comparing yourself to other people......
Paulsen: I know where it stemmed it from.
Paulsen: Yeah, and now it kills me to realize where all this hurts from.
Enter the Domain: I hope that caplain feels alone when he dies.  Because he deffinitely didn't follow his faith.
Enter the Domain: Unless he's a satanist.
Enter the Domain: You know, that'd make too much sense...  uhhg.
Enter the Domain: You should just write an autobiographical novel and state it as fiction.
Enter the Domain: Because "nobody's going to believe it anyways".  IE.  stating it as fiction would be a rather subtle, but strong insult toward's your mum's idiocy.
Enter the Domain: Anybody who actually cares about you will believe it and that's all that should matter to you.   :U  At least I hope...
Paulsen: hold on.
Enter the Domain: Don't worry.  You can keep going no matter what I say.
Enter the Domain is now Away.
Paulsen: Anyway.
Paulsen: I have no self-confidence or idea of self-worth at this point.
Paulsen: I'm kind of just going along with whatever stupid fucking people want.
Enter the Domain is now Online.
Paulsen: I learned to just keep my things quiet in the library, where I still talked to you guys and you could kind of see the manifestations of pain in me, but everyone just thought it was me being a teenager.
Enter the Domain: self worth is working towards your own goals despite not enjoying what you have to do to achieve them(jobs military whatever)  Other than that.  Uhh.  I'm communist minded so i'm probably not the best person to talk to about self worth.
Enter the Domain: this was when I was trying to get you to open up because you seemed so nervous.
Paulsen: that's why I was.
Paulsen: there's more.
Enter the Domain is now Away.
Paulsen: Anyway-
Paulsen: They started figuring out my pattern which was fucking creepy and intrusive.
Enter the Domain is now Online.
Paulsen: They wanted me to explain what I did on the computer and I explained. No fucking shit. I explained that I had friends online.
Paulsen: I explained that they help me with writing.
Paulsen: They fucking think I'm crazy living in a "fantasy land" where nothing in the real world actually happens.
Paulsen: That "escaping the real world" isn't the solution to my problems.
Paulsen: And I should "talk to people more."
Paulsen: I tell them to pound sand, and expressly mention to leave me ALONE.
Paulsen: They tell my mom some batshit crazy story.
Paulsen: "You know how that's how the Columbine shooters started right?
Paulsen: "
Paulsen: My mom thinks that I'm gonna go crazy with just "people on the internet" and solitude and thinks that more social time with others is what I need.
Paulsen: So she bans me from any PC usage and anything library related as best she can.
Paulsen: Gets to the point where even my dad is going, "WTF" when he gives me and my brother some old laptops.
Paulsen: Because the overly religious family jumped on the insane bullshit wagon and literally try stashing my laptop to "make me better".
Paulsen: As imagined, it did absolutely nothing but WORSEN things.
Paulsen: Fuck sorry I'm going on forever about this.
Paulsen: Is it coming together now though?
Paulsen: I'm talking to pete and explaining this to him.
Enter the Domain is now Away.
Paulsen: Gonna send him the chat, so he knows what's going on right now.
Paulsen: I got fucked up man, to the point where I was just slowly wishing I could die.
Paulsen: Even tried to hang myself from a ceiling fan, fell down, hit my head and just shouted, "FUCK I CAN'T EVEN DIE PROPERLY!"
Paulsen: Mom will never know I tried that and it's a secret I carry to the grave.
Paulsen: I got to the point where I lost hope and stopped giving a shit.
Enter the Domain is now Online.
Paulsen: I stopped eating, stopped caring in general, and that fucking insane family thought I was "getting better".
Paulsen: their justification for not letting me write on the PC was, "Well JK Rowling wrote her stories on a napkin!"
Paulsen: "I'm not JK Rowling!"
Paulsen: "Then stop limiting yourself!"
Paulsen: "But you're limiting me..."
Paulsen: "We're trying to make you better!"
Paulsen: My health deteriorates slowly, and they treat it like it's some kind of fucking great sign of progress.
Paulsen: To the point where my attitude, lack of food, insomnia, and night sweats all come together this one day where the dad tells me how horrible I am as a role model.
Enter the Domain: i've seen this twice befrore.  doesn't make it better hearing it again from you too.  x.x It's the reason I speak violently at all.
Paulsen: "I've been telling your brothers not to grow up like you have."
Paulsen: "...Okay."
Paulsen: "Let me show you something, you said you wanted to join the military right?"
Paulsen: He drives across the street and shows me some passed out dude.
Paulsen: "Said you wanted to be an Army Ranger right? Well look at that guy, that's who you're gonna be. Or a crackhead that gets gunned down by the cops. Either way, you never really amounted to anything like your brothers."
Paulsen: I passed out and didn't wake up this one morning, probably the lack of food, energy, whatever it was.
Paulsen: Mom calls me.
Paulsen: "Eli."
Paulsen: "Hey, wake up you gotta go see Dennis and the family."
Paulsen: "I don't feel good."
Paulsen: She leaves me at home that day.
Paulsen: I hear a knock at the door a little later that afternoon.
Paulsen: Spent the day watching Netflix and just being alone.
Paulsen: They knock on my door and I pause the TV, check the peephole. They're there. Literally standing outside my fucking door.
Enter the Domain is now Away.
Paulsen: I call my mom and she calls them to leave me alone because I wasn't feeling good.
Paulsen: They leave and my mom, finding me passed out near or in the closet(I don't remember) doesn't get an answer out of me, but talks to my brothers.
Paulsen: "They told me not to talk to Eli because he's a bad example." -My own damn brother
Paulsen: The three year old doesn't fucking know anything.
Paulsen: My mom GTFOs from that shit.
Paulsen: Gives everything back to me, but the damage is done at this point.
Paulsen: And it's been done, and all I've wanted was to move on and keep the flashbacks from growing worse.