a guest Feb 8th, 2019 81 Never
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- So a story about being trans that id like to Do a comic about
- When I was a barista in SoCal, I had a terrible crush on my coworker. He was friendly and bubbly and we often tag teamed the espresso machine and worked well together
- Kc and I had just come out as poly and I just started taking T, this coffee shop is where I first came out as trans..
- And my coworker J was super supportive. He called me Bro, we always hugged before and after our shift, we had excellent energy
- One day I couldn’t take it anymore and asked to hang out and smoke weed after work some time. I went over and we got super high and started watching tv
- We were together on the couch when I asked if he was down with cuddling. He looked surprised and said sure. We held each other for a while before I asked if he’d like to make out
- He looked so incredibly betrayed and said, and I quote, “but.. you’re my bro.”
- He held me tightly and said “I’m really sorry. I must have led you on.” And he let me down so gently and lovingly, but that wasn’t the thing that hurt
- Up until that moment nobody had ever said no to me, because I was femme presenting/“a girl”. It had just never really happened.
- The reality of my transness has sunk in. I was now unloveable by the men I liked. Men who dont prefer “men”, but softer people. People soft, like me.
- It’s harder when you know that on some level you are making a choice to transition. Every injection is an act of self love and ownership, but still an act made consciously.
- J held me for a long time and we slowly uncoiled from each other until the high wore off.
- Months passed and my crush eased. Kc and Audrey made plans to move to Oregon, and a going away party was arranged.
- J and I never acted awkward together, and our friendship had resumed normalcy quickly. At my party I got drunk, and I laughingly left to use the restroom, leaving j with my drink.
- I stumbled out of the restroom, he grabbed me and kissed me on the mouth, hugged me hard, and walked away in drunken embarrassment.
- I don’t know how to respond to that even now. His straightness is still something that I wonder about. Did he turn me down because he wasn’t attracted to me, or because he thought he shouldn’t be? Did I challenge his understanding of love and sensuality and sexuality? Or did he kiss me simply to say goodbye? Or out of pity? Or just perhaps, because he was just comfortable with me, and drunk?
- I don’t know. I just think about it sometimes.
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