Her wings were ready but my heart was not

Yesterday my family and I went up to Lake Placid to do some shopping while they visited and it was a really happy time for all of us cuz one of my younger sisters was with us. She had just gotten out of a really abusive relationship and she was pregnant and due in May to my niece or nephew. I hadn't seen her in years thanks to how controlling and toxic and abusive her previous boyfriend was. He starved her, he beat her, and she was too scared to call the cops on him because since he'd done time in prison, he had convinced her that if she ever tried to leave him - he'd send one of his friends out to harm someone in our family. She was in a really really bad place.. but after years of it - she finally had the strength to leave him and she came home.

I was so happy and so excited to finally be able to hug her tight and I cried so hard with tears of relief and joy when she showed up with my parents. I had been scared that I'd never see her again because of the fact that due to the abuse, she had developed Stockholms Syndrome. She had been scared to get out of there, but she did it for the sake of her safety and the safety of her unborn baby and I'd never felt more proud of her for how brave she was. My family was a family again and it felt so wonderful..

She and I laughed together all day as we wandered the shops in Lake Placid and I even talked her into going on a dog sled ride on the lake with me. I was overjoyed and happy. I had my best friend back, my lil sister, my Runt. And she was so happy to finally be home and know that she was safe.

We went out for lunch, I showed her some of my favorite shops and we checked out her old shops. We went to Ragnarock as a family too. It was a fun day up in Placid and I bought her a new sketch pad so she could get back into drawing, to help her vent with what she'd been goin through and cuz she just missed it. She was so happy. When we'd finally had enough - we headed back to the car and went to head home. I was happy cuz.. this was the happiest I'd seen my parents in years since she had left. We were a family again.. I was talking to her about how she could move in with me and how we'd live together and how she and I could fix up one of my bedrooms as a nursery and where she could put her stuff, cuz she didn't want to live with my parents. She wanted to be out of the city and in the mountains..

And then it all went wrong.

There was a honk and a flash of lights as we went through an intersection and this huge ford F150 slammed into the side of the car at full speed. I heard my mom say "Leon!" and my sister scream. and then it was dark and silent.  I woke up and paramedics were there and I kept asking "Where's Sarah? MOM?! DAD?!  WHERE'S MY PARENTS AND SISTER?"  because they were strapping me down. It was the pain in my leg that had made me wake up. I knew my leg was messed up. There were lights everywhere. I couldn't find my parents. The paramedics kept grabbing my head and telling me not to move. I screamed for my sister and I heard her call out for me too...  I said "Sarah I'm right here! You okay?" And she said she was scared.  I asked where my parents were and they said they were on the way to the hospital and that we'd see them there.  Sarah started crying and said that she was scared.

Instinctively I was strong for her like I always was from the time she'd been a toddler and scraped her hands from falling over to the time she turned 21.  I said "We're okay Sarah, we're gonna be okay. Are you hurt?" and she answered and asked where our parents were... they put her on the gurny to put her in the ambulance and I tried to calm her. I told her I'd be right there with her. I told her we were going to the same place and that I wasn't going to leave her. I told her our parents were at the hospital waiting and we were going to be okay. I promised her it.. I told her I loved her and I'd see her soon. They loaded her up.

The whole ride to the hospital all I could think of was my family.. I was scared for them more than myself. I prayed that we'd all make it and for God to protect them all. I said "Please God let no bad happen to them. You know how much I love them. Please keep my parents, Sarah and her baby safe and help me to be strong. I'm so scared and I can't do this without you.. Please protect my family.."

Finally we showed up at the hospital and they wheeled us in. Sarah was calling for me and I told her "I'm here! Don't worry I'm here. I'm not leaving you okay? I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. I promise. I will never ever leave you. Not ever. Okay? Try to calm down and breathe okay? Close your eyes and breathe with me okay? The more you cry the more you're going to hurt." I asked them to put me in the room with her so they put us in a double bedroom and there was a curtain they pulled so she could see me.

She was in a lot of pain. I didn't know what all was wrong with her. She had hit her head and her face was cut up from the glass and she was shaking from how much pain she was in. She'd start crying and I'd tell her that it was okay and to look at me and that we were going to make it. I tried to distract her by asking her about what she wanted her baby's room to look like.. and she talked to me while doctors looked over her. I asked a nurse to get me crutches because Sarah wanted me to help her get dressed. She didn't want the nurses touching her. They didn't like it, but they understood that I was her big sister and that she was scared. So they instructed me on what to do and helped me move her. The nurses and I cut her pants off and I cut her shirt off and my heart sank when I saw her. Something had stabbed her through her coat and hoodie. I did everything in my power to stay calm and soothe her, even though I wanted to cry.

She kept telling me she loved me.. and I told her I loved her too and that I always would and that no matter what, she'd never be alone because I'd always be there. They took me away to get x-rays and found out I fractured my tibia and put a brace on it. Said I'd need surgery but I could use crutches until then. I had to get 4 staples in the back of my head where I hit it. They had to prep her for surgery, x-rays and some kind of scan and she was scared but I reassured her that she'd feel better and that I'd be right there waiting when she got out. I reassured her that we were going to be taken good care of and we were safe. The doctors told us that our parents were okay. We'd taken the brunt of the impact so my dad had a concussion and my mom a bruised leg and broken wrist, but that they were okay. Sarah felt better once she knew they were okay and so did I. They went to take her for surgery and she started to cry again, but I gave her a hug and a kiss as I stood on one leg and I told her that she was going to be okay again and I asked the nurse if they'd wheel me to the surgery room so I could be there to wait for her.

They wheeled me down after her and as she went through the doors I said I loved her and that I'd see her soon and how much I loved her. Hours seemed like years and I broke down crying in the hall a few times. My parents finally found me though and once again I put on my poker face because I didn't want them to worry about me more than they already were. My neighbors from the apartments I had lived in showed up to make sure I was okay. They hadn't known that I was with my parents who had been visiting, just that they got a call that I was in a hospital after a car accident. They stayed with my family and I but I don't remember all of what they were saying. I wasn't paying attention. I said I was fine and brushed off the fact I'd gotten hurt by saying "It could have been worse and I'm still alive so I'm okay." and then I went back to staring at the door they took my sister through. I prayed like crazy and begged for her to be okay..

Eventually she came out of surgery and they took her back to our room and I got back into my bed and just lay there gazing at her. I was thinking of the first time I had ever seen her. She was adopted just like me and my first time seeing her she was this beautiful baby with huge brown eyes that I fell in love with from the start. I remembered how we used to skip down the street of our town singing silly songs and being goofy. I remembered how good it felt whenever she hugged me and I thanked god for having sent me such an incredible girl as my sister because she was the best gift to me that he had ever given. He'd given me more than just a sibling - he'd given me my closest and most cherished friend.

Finally she woke up and she smiled at me and I said "See? I told you I'd be here.. " and she grinned and reached her hand out to hold mine. I kissed her hand and nuzzled it and she said "You never break your promises." and I knew it was true. My parents were relieved to see her awake and they talked to her. I made them all laugh by saying "You know we probably should stop playing tag in the hospital and start playing somewhere else where its safer." All seemed to be right in the world and I was happy. Sarah said she was tired from the pain killers they gave her. I was a bit loopy myself from the morphine, but didn't let it get to me because I was focused on her and my family - mostly her. I wasn't supposed to get out of my bed, but my dad pulled up two chairs next to her bed so I could sit right next to her and hold her hand.

She said she was tired and I told her that she could go on and get some sleep and that I'd be right there. She said I was the best sister and that she loved me and I told her "I love you too, Runt." and she held my left hand and I put my head on the edge of her bed to rest. She said she was really nervous and I told her "It's okay because you're safe now. You're not alone. Mom, Dad and I are here and we'll watch over you while you sleep okay? Just get some rest." She told us she loved us and she was glad we were all okay. Dad said we'd be home before we knew it but for now to just get some rest and she did.

I must have passed out, but I woke up because of a beeping and the feel of her squeezing my hand. I thought she was having a nightmare so I told her I was there and that she was okay and to calm down, because I could often soothe her out of nightmares by talking to her while she slept. She didn't relax. Her grip got worse and her heart rate went up until she finally started seizing violently. We called for the doctors and nurses and they rushed in and helped me get my hand free. Just as fast as she had seized she flatlined and my heart sank.

I thought I was in a nightmare due to the trauma so I screamed her name and told her to wake up. They tried to resuscitate her but it didn't work. Her heart would beat and then she'd tense and flatline. I remember telling her "Sarah! Don't you do it! Don't you leave me here alone! I never left you so live for me! Live for your baby! Come back to me. Sarah come back to me I'm right here! Don't you leave me, Sarah. I need you. I need my best friend. I need my sister. I need you. Please come back. Wake up.. You have to wake up!  Fight it Sarah - I know you can. Wake up! Come back to me, Sarah! Please come back..." but they couldn't bring her back. She never woke up again. They tried and tried and finally gave up and I fell apart as did my parents.

When the doctors got out of the way I grabbed her hand and I begged her again to please come back and live for me, that we're supposed to grow old together and that I wasn't ready for this. That I wasn't ready for her to go. I remember just sobbing on her chest and begging for her to please come back and telling her how much she meant to me and our family and how much I needed her... but she was gone..

I can't even write properly because of how badly I'm crying right now.

The doctors talked to my parents but my dad told me to go home with my friends and that he and mom would take care of Sarah because he didn't want me to stay. I said I didn't want to leave her, that I promised her I'd never leave her.. but my dad and my friends eventually pulled me away from her, got me into a wheelchair and took me away. The pain in my leg is nothing compared to the pain in my heart and I now know the true meaning of sorrow.

I don't know what to do with myself.  I feel so lost. She was the yin to my yang and now she's gone.. Honestly? If I could? I'd take her place in a heartbeat just so she and her baby could live out the rest of their lives happy and safe at last. I'd easily trade my life for hers because of how much I love her.

This feels like a horrible nightmare and I keep pinching myself hoping I'll wake up because I don't want to live a minute of my life without her in it...

I am home now and writing this because my friend Tina said I needed to vent it and get it out rather than pretending that I'm okay for the sake of others. She said that it's okay for me to be weak and cry and to not be the strong person right now.. but its so painful.. and I feel like.. I feel like nobody understands what it's like to lose your younger sibling. I feel frustrated with life because.. in 2015 I lost my fiance who died in a train accident... and it was my baby sister that saved my life then. She called me up and said "Don't you leave me, sister. You are not allowed to die. I need you. I love you. I need my big sister. I need my best friend. I need you. Don't leave me. Live for me."  and despite how messed up I was from losing my fiance - I decided to live for her and to not give up. For her? I chose to fight to keep going even though my heart had been ripped from me.

I have always been a pillar of strength in my family mainly because I felt it was my duty to be an example of a strong woman for my sister who grew up bullied. I wanted to inspire her to be great if not greater than even me and to always see herself as the beautiful young lady I knew her to be, no matter how badly she was bullied. I wanted to gift her with confidence to face the world and to always hold her head high. I was broken with the death of my fiance but I chose to keep going because she needed me. I was her shield, her mentor, her confidant, her best friend and so many other things.  I taught her everything I knew... and I am so proud of the girl she grew up to be, despite any mistakes she made. She admired me because I was her big sister but I admired her because she brought out the best in me. She told someone that I was her hero because I taught her how to love herself just the way she is and how awesome life really was. I felt flattered but to me? She was my hero because she may have fallen down but she always got up, no matter how scared she was. She's the bravest girl I ever knew and she taught me so much about life and its valuable lessons.

One lesson nobody ever taught me though...
Was how to say goodbye..

I wouldn't wish this pain on my worst enemies because it feels like there's a serrated knife clawing my heart into pieces.

I wasn't ready for her to go..  I wish she'd just come back... and now that she's gone?  I'm completely lost and I've never felt more alone. Being her big sister was the best part of my life and she was my world. She made home just that.. because she was kind and sweet and funny and sassy but she had such a big and gorgeous heart...

Now she's gone and.. I feel like I lost my home.. I don't know what to do with myself.. My spirit is broken.. and even though I know it wasn't my fault that she died. It was the fault of the guy who ran the red light and smashed into us.. I feel like I failed to protect her.. That was my job in life as her big sister - to always protect her from the world around her.. It should have been me that took all that damage and her with the broken leg who's hobbling around.. I wish it had been me so she'd still be here blessing the world with her smile her laughter and her light...

I'm pissed at God cuz he took her from us before we were ready but you can't argue with him either and I guess the thing I'm trying to say is..

Her wings were ready but my heart was not...

I will never stop missing you Sarah.. and I will always look to the stars just like we always did when we were away from each other. I used to tell you "Anytime you miss me. Just look to the stars and know I'm looking too."   Well I know you've got your halo and your wings now and I know you hate to see my cry but... I wasn't ready for you to go.. I wish you would have stayed.. I wish heaven wasn't so far away..

Rest in peace my precious baby sister. I will always love you and you will always be the best part of me.  I'll love you forever whether on earth or in heaven. I'll be with you again someday and nothing will ever come between us ever again. But that day is not today..