Rainbow Dash Gets Fleas

"Ms. Dash, I'm afraid you've caught a vicious case of the fleas."
>Rainbow Dash slams her hoof on the desk and yells at the doctor.
"But that's ridiculous! Only fillies and hobos get fleas!"
>"Well that would explain a lot, Dash." She turns to look at you.
"The buck do you mean by that?"
>"Well you don't really have a house. You kinda are a hobo."
"I do too have a house. It's up in the sky, you've BEEN to it!"
>"All I know is that a house that gets blown away three times a week by prevalent freaking winds ain't much of a house to begin with. I've seen cardboard homes sturdier than that deathtrap you sleep in."
>You totally have.
"I swear Anon, once we leave this office I"m kicking you in every part that could possibly get kicked."
>"Don't do that. I don't need to catch your horse lice."
"ARRRGH!"
>She slams her head onto the desk.
>Small bugs fly out.
 >"Ew."


>"This is probably what you get for hanging out with scootaloo."
"She won't leave me alone. I like hero worship, aw who am I kidding -I LOVE hero worship. But she's just...ugh."
>"Clingy?"
"Yes."
>"Desperate?"
"Yup."
>"Riddled with fleas?"
>"Apparently."
>You pull out your butterknife that you carry on your person at all times.
>"Then there is only one solution."
>She punches you.
"We are not going to kill Scootaloo."
>You put the utensil away.
>"Another day..."
>The doctor takes this moment to pipe up.
"We've seen worse cases, Ms. Dash. We have several salves and shampoos that will alleviate the problem."
>She huffs.
"Great. Now I have to lather all that wishy-washy crap on me. I'm gonna smell like Rarity or something."
>"You'll have the nicest smelling lice in all of P0nyville."
"Anon, I swear."
>"How much is the licepocalypse shampoo gonna cost, doc?"
>He tells you how much they cost.
>Dash goes cross-eyed for a second.
>"Are you trying to look like Derpy? Because if you are maybe you can apply for a second job as the mail-mare. God knows you're gonna need the extra money."
>She gives you the evil eye.
"Doc, are there any, like, home remedies or something that can get rid of the lice?"
>He frowns.
"Well, a common practice for younger foals is to cover them with peanut butter."
>"...do they lice have peanut allergies?"
"No, the idea is to smother them."
>"Cruel. I like your methods, Doctor."


"Another measure is a little more drastic -you must shave off all fur and scrub the skin vigorously."
>Dash shakes her head.
"Yah.  Nah.  We're not doing that."
>"Yeah doc, people might think she's straight or something."
>Dash begins to scratch at her neck.
"Nnngh.  Okay, we're leaving.  We're gonna figure something out.  Thanks for the tips, Doctor."
"If the problem fails to resolve itself, I'll be here."
>She scoffs.
"Puh-leese.  I fly circles around problems.  This lice thing is as good as kicked."
>"I think you mean scratched."
"No, Anon.  Just...just no."
>And so the two of you leave the clinic.  Rainbow begins to scratch at herself more furiously.
"Aw Celestia, this is embarassing.  I'm gonna have to wash...like...EVERYTHING in my house."
>"Oh wow, you're gonna have to clean up the place for the first time in ever years."
"Screw you, my house is downright pristine."
>"Pristinely craptracular, Ms. Lord of the Fleas."
"Shut it.  Let's go to your house."
>"Why?  You're going to get your *you* all over my stuff."
"Yeah. I'm gonna wrap myself in all of your sheets and spread this litle jerks everywhere."
>"If I see so much as a nit in my hair tomorrow..."
"There won't BE a nit because they'll all be DEAD by tonight."
>You hope so.
>You really, really hope so.

>A trip to the grocery store and two hours later Dash is covered in peanut butter.
>"This is the dumbest idea in all of Equestria."
"I smell like Pinkie Pie's bedroom."
>"You look like something that crawled out of the toilet."
>She looked worse than that.  Head to hoof she was smeared in brown peanut butter.  Crunchy, because they came in bigger jars and were on sale for twenty percent off.  Her wings drooped and she left brown globs on the floor wherever she walked.
>The only things visible were here large magenta eyes which told very nicely just how upset she was.
>You smear more peanut butter over them.
"HEY!"
>That's better.
>She sits on her haunches.  Great.  Now there's gonna be peanut-butter assmarks all over your wood floors.
"How long do you think I should wait?"
>"I dunno.  However long it takes to kill a small bug by depriving it of precious oxygen.  Four hours?"
"That long?  That's almost like an entire year!"
>"Better make it eight, just to be sure."
>She groans loudly and falls to her side.
>You snicker.
>Two hours pass.
>Dash has not really moved from her spot.
"I'm bored."
>"Do you want me to cover you in bread or something?  I can go cart you around the homeless shelter and laugh at people."
"No.  Just...turn on some music or something."
>"Okay.  What music do you think fleas like to listen to?"
"Har har.  Just..what's that one CD you have?  The one with the spanish guitars?"
>"Oh yeah.  We could listen to that, sure."
>You put on the music.  Your house is soon filled with sexy rythmic twangning and sytlish flourishes.
>Dash nods her head and begins to swish her tail.  Small bits of peanut butter go flying everywhere.

>"So how are we supposed to rinse you off?  Do I have to take you out back and hose you down or something...?"
>The blue pegasus shlorps around your house like a small mud-monster.
"Stop being funny and just turn the hot water on in your tub."
>"It's gonna clog up from all the dead bugs and Jiffy's.  You're going to owe me so much drain-o."
>You run the hot water.  She steps into the tub.
"Ah, ah, ahhh, oh jeeze.  Jeeze.  Hot.  Anon.  Hot."
>"Is it too cold?"
"I'm going to kill you one day."
>You pat the butterknife in your back pocket.
>"I'm sure you will."
>She rubs herself and tries to free herself from the all-encompassing peanut butter, but only succeeds in shuffling the sugary brown mass around her body.
"Um.  Anon.  Can I get a little help here...?"
>"But you're all sticky and stuff."
"Do you have any shampoo or bodywash? We need to get this stuff loosened."
>You pull out the various body and hair products out of your bathroom hamper.
>Which comes to three bottles.  A hotel-sized bottle of shampoo, a gallon jug of hand-wash soap, and Axe all-natural hydrating shower gel.


>You dump it onto her and lather her up.
>The water looks absolutely disgusting.
>"And here we are in the swamp-things natural environment.  It hides in the swamps, disguising itself in the filthy putrid waters that look just as gross as the creature itself."
>She stamps her hooves in the tub, splashing water all over your face and along the walls.
"This isn't FUNNY Anon.  Okay?  I'm stressed out enough as it is, please."
>"FINE.  These fleas must have bitch-stimulating venom or something in them."
>After many minutes of furious scrubbing you can finally see something that could readily be called Rainbow Dash.
>She preens herself and scrubs as hard as she can with any sponge in reach and rinses herself off with more than scalding water.
>You can see swirls of brown and little black dots tumble down the drown.
>If you were very quiet, you could hear them screaming.
>Hehehehe, little bastards.
>You threw several of your rattiest towls and let her dry herself off.
>Her fur was puffed out at odd angles and her mane looked wilder than Bourbon Street on a friday night.
>But all the same she sighed in relief as she was finally freed from the choking peanut butter.
>"Feel any better?"
>She looked herself over.  She checked the bottom of her hoof.  She sorted through her bangs and glanced her wings over.
"I feel pretty good...I think we got them, Anon!"

>She raises up for a brohoof.
>You go in to complete the ritual and miss completely as she pulls it away and starts to sratch at her neck again.
>"Aw hell."
"No! Nononooonnooooooo!" she howls "They're still there!"
>"Oh boy.  You know that these fleas will be a thousand times stronger?  What killed their brothers will only increase their resolve."
"So these things are going to be tougher to get rid of?!?"
>"Soon they will be nigh unstoppable.  We must destroy them before they gain too much power and you become the harbinger of this world's doom."
>She wraps herself up in your towels and scoots along the ground to scratch at her back.
"There has to be something else we can do!"
>You raise your hands to the skies.  "We must build an alter to appease our new gods."
"ANON!"
>You approach her mane and whisper into her hair "Tell me your whims, my masters."
>You listen intently for orders.
>Rainbow headbutts you in the stomach. She begins to nip along her wings.
"This is getting to be too much Anon.  Gotta figure out something. Something and Fast.  Real fast.  fastandquickandwegottahurrycusthissIS DRIVING ME ABSOLUTELY BANANAS!"
>"Hey, speaking of bananas, maybe we can get Celestia to send your fleas to the moon. Let's get Celestia to send YOU to the moon!"
"I don't want them on the moon! I WANT THEM DEAD!"
>She whips her wings open, sending small little insects careening off her and bolts out of the bathroom.

>You give chase.
>Her coco has gone full loco.
>The head of the weather patrol team is flying madly around your halls.  She's jumping and tumbling from floor to ceiling.  Maybe she has brain lice.
>Is there such a thing?  An idea to file away for later abuse.
>There are blue feathers everywhere.
>She airily scrambles towards your kitchen and starts to nose around underneath your sink.  She throws out pots and pans and pasta strainers.
"Ah HA!"
>She pulls out a can of roach spray.  She dives in again.
"This'll work."
>Ant powder.
>Windex.
>Wasp spray.
"Still not enough....nononoonoono!"
>Windex, Lysol, PAM cooking spray, rubbing alcohol, drinking alcohol.
>Note to self: Stop storing those two things in the same cabinet.
>She carries it all and flaps back to the tub.
>"DONT DUMP THAT ALL IN AT THE SAME TIME YOUR GONNA STAIN THE PORCELAIN!"
"I DONT CARE!"
>You scamper back up to the bathtub.
>Her eyes are red.  She is dumping and spraying chemical after chemical onto her.
>You can almost see the smoke rise from her as they all react from each other.
>She's crying.
>"RD?"
"I can feel them."
>"Dash..."
"They're trying to eat me."
>"Dashie.."
"Eat.
"RAINBOW DASH!"

>She is beyond reason.  Madness has claimed her.  She is diving beneath her highly concentrated chemical bath and is thrashing around like a fuzzy alligator.
>All the fumes in the small room begin to mess with your mind.
>You open your mouth and begin to chant in tongues.
>This is no longer a simple cleansing.  This has become some kind of unholy baptism.  One that will end either in the emancipation of Rainbow Dash's soul or the condemnation of her body to The Fleas that Consume.
>You sing louder.
>This goes on for several minutes before the air conditioner in your home kicks on and clears the air, allowing you to think somewhat.
>You blink a few times.  Dash has not faltered.
>This clearly is not leading to anything productive.
>You stick your hands into the burning turmoil of cleaning products and rainbow dash and lift her completely out of her unholy mixture.
>She's hyperventillating and dripping chemicals that are colored in hues that don't even exist.
"Help.  Me." she whimpers.
>"We can save your body.  But not your soul."
"Wha?"
>"Purging your body from the Infestation will not work."
>You place her on the tile floor.
>You pull out your electric razor and shaving foams.
"This will require full-scale Exterminatus."
>Her eyes are red and her face is stained with tears and lysol.  Her fur is chemically burned and she smells like peanut butter and bleach.
>She nods slowly.
"Do it."
>You approach her.  You spray a generous wad of shaving cream into your hand.  It expands and rises like Rainbow's last hope in the entire world.
>"God help us all."
>You spread the shaving foam all over her face.

>The ritual is complete.
>Rainbow Dash has been completely sterilized at the cost of her mind and your bathroom.
>You cover your mouth with a mostly clean t-shirt and spray the entire room down with RAID  and slowly back away.
>You close the door and seal it with duck tape and incense. It must be quarantined for at least forty eight hours to insure the demise of any stragglers.
>You hang many crosses around the door frame and offer prayers.
>With that business done you wipe your hands on your pants and saunter downstairs.
>Rainbow Dash is curled up on the corner of your couch.
>And boy is she a pitiable sight.
>Her skin is pale and red with irritation, razor burn, and rashes and little bite marks from the fleas.
>You don't even want to look at her naked wings.
>She's shivering.  You try to offer her a blanket, but she says it'll only hurt more because her skin is too sensitive.
>Aw hell.
>You go to the kitchen and make some coffee.  You pour extra sugar into Dash's mug and place it in front of the table.
>You stick a crazy straw in both mugs.  Bitches love crazy straws.
>She whimpers and looks at the cup of coffee.
"Th-thanks."
>She sips and coughs a little bit as she drinks."
"Tastes a lot better than Pinesol."
>"If only a little."
>You sit next to her.
>"So does this mean you won't be ushering a new era of chaos?"
"Not this week."
>She lays her head on your cushion and huffs.

>"That doctor was pretty stupid, yeah?  We didn't need any retarded multi-million bit shampoo.  Just some elbow grease, a razor, and enough chemicals to blow away half the ozone."
"Heh...yeah."
>"We got rid of them, at least."
"I'm going to have to take like, a month off from work."
>"Hm?"
"How am I supposed to fly without any feathers?  Celestia, I don't even want to go outside looking like this."
>"Well...maybe we can get ahold of Twilight, she probably can whip up a spell and bring you back in top form."
"Lemme tell you something about Twilight's magic -it HURTS.  And I'm hurtin' a plenty right now."
>You look at her.
>She catches you staring and curls into herself again.
"I look disgusting."
>"You always look disgusting."
>She inhales sharply.
>You know that noise.  She starts to breathe a little heavier.  She's crying now.  For real-for reals.  You think you may have crossed a line.
>"But...um..it's a cool kinda disgusting.  You're just a trend-setter, Dash.  Everyone's gonna think it's the cool new thing to do.  Rarity going to go balistic once you're the new hotness in town."
"Hah." she chokes.  "I'd like to see that.  Rarity screws finally come loose enough that she shaves off those whacko curls of hers."
>"See?"
>She rubs her forehooves.
"I went kinda crazy, didn't I?"
>"You went so far into crazy you needed a passport."
"You followed."
>"Well no duh I followed.  You're my Rainbro.  I'd follow you to hell and back if it was funny enough."
>She nuzzled lightly against you.
"Thanks..."
>"I think I need to get you some neosporin or something."
"That'd be the best freaking thing right now."

>The next day.
>Rainbow Dash is sitting in the ground.  She may not be able to fly, but she can still coordinate the others.
"THUNDERLANE I SWEAR IF YOU DONT GET THAT NIMBOSTRATUS OUT OF HERE I WILL HAVE YOUR TAIL.  IF YOU THINK I LOOK BAD JUST WAIT 'TIL YOU SEE A MIRROR WHEN IM THROUGH WITH YOU!"
>She's covered up in a maroon sweater and hastily modified pants.
>She's wearing a green beanie.
>Best you could do on such short notice.  Luckily it's pretty cold this time of year, so it doesn't seem too out of place.
>Rarity should be able to make her something more flattering by tomorrow morning.
>At least her skin doesn't feel like it's on fire.
>Still sucks, though.
>You come trotting up over a hill.
>"Sup Furless Wonder.  Brought you some lunch."
>She scoffs and turns to look at you.
"Oh wow, thanks a whole crap-load mr -what in celestia's name did you do?"
>You run a hand over your shiny bald head.
>"I decided hair isn't really in this season."
"Or eyebrows?"
>"Someone else needed them more than I did."
>Cranky doodle walks by with a magnificient new wig and fake set of eyebrows.
"Thanks Anon!  This toupee is amazing."
>You wave back.  "Yeah, no problem guy."
"You look really stupid."
>"Not any more stupid than normal."
"Before today I wouldn't even think that was possible."
>"Don't get too smart.  My head is freezing, I just my take my beanie back."
"Fight me for it."
>"Screw that.  Then I'd have to look at your gross head and sad eyes all day."
"And you'd hate that."
>"I'd hate it worse than anything."
>She punches you in the waist.
"You're an idiot."
>You push the beanie down over her eyes.  She laughs as she straightens it up.
>"I'm still taller than you."
"I'll let you have that one and nothing else."
>You nudge her shoulder.  She looks at you and a smile pulls up on the side of her face.
"You're dumb, but you're cool."
>"You too."  You rub the back of your silky smooth head.
>The two of you stand there and watch the clouds roll by, cussing at Thunderlane as he tries to keep the skies clear in vain.
>But that doesn't bother you too much.
>You look at your Rainbro. She looks back up and snickers.
>It's still a nice day.