Vs. Half a second

She took a bite of her bagel, chewing thoughtfully. I wondered if she was still thinking of the future, or something else. I wondered whether she saw any glimpse of me in that future.
	My mind strayed to tomorrow. It should have thrilled me- the idea of a whole day with her. So much time. But I could only think of the moment when she would see what I really was. When I could no longer hide behind my human facade. I tried to imagine her response, and though I was so often wrong when trying to predict her feelings, I knew it could only go two ways. The only valid reaction besides revulsion would be terror.
	I wanted to believe that there was a third possibility. That she would forgive what I was as she had often done in the past. That she would accept me despite everything. But I couldn't picture it.
	I thought of the first time I'd seen Carlisle in the sun. I was very young then, still obsessed with blood over anything else, but that sight had caught my attention the way little else had. Though I trusted Carlisle utterly, though I'd already begun to love him, I felt fear. It was all too impossible, too alien. The instinct to defend myself was triggered, and it was several long moments before his calm and reassuring thoughts could have any effect on me. Eventually he talked me into stepping forward myself, to see that the phenomenon did no harm.
	And I remembered seeing myself in the brilliant morning light and realizing- more profoundly than I ever had thus far- that I had no relationship at all to my former self. That I was not human.
	But it wasn't fair to hide myself from her. It was a lie of omission.
	I tried to see her with me in the meadow, what the picture would look like if I weren't a monster. It was such a beautiful, peaceful place. How I wished she could enjoy it with me still there.
	*Edward*,, Alice thought urgently, a hint of panic in her tone that froze me in place.
	Suddenly, I was caught up in one of Alice's vision, staring into the bright circle of sunlight. Disorienting, because I'd just been imagining myself and Bella there- the little meadow where no one ever went besides me- so I wasn't sure at first that I was seeing inside Alice's mind and not my own.
	But it was different from my own picture- future, not past. Bella stared at me, rainbows dancing across her face, her eyes fathomless. So I was brave enough.
	*It's the same place,* Alice thought, her mind full of a horror that did not match the vision. Tension, perhaps, but horror? What did she mean, *the same place?*
	And then I saw it.
	*Edward!* Alice protested shrilly, *I love her, Edward!*
	But she didn't love Bella the way I did. Her vision was preposterous. Wrong. She was blinded somehow, seeing impossibilities. Lies.
	Not even half a second had passed. Bella was still chewing, thinking about some mystery I would never know. She wouldn't have seen the quick flash of dread across my face.