Thread 1: Stories 91-102

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>Don't say it.

>Why, whatever do you mean, dear Applejack?

>Don't say it.

>What exactly could I possibly want to say?

>Don't. Say. It.

>Are you inferring I should be saying something right now? Oh, I do so wonder what it could be? It's on the tip of my tongue, I swear.

>...Fine, go ahead and say it.

>No, no no no, I'm just going to think it. I'm going to sit here and hold it alllll in, and you get to know that. You get to know the phrase I have in my heart. So sit back, bask in the smoke and flames, and just... just take it all in. I know I am.

>....they're still gonna blame you.

>If there was ever a time I gave a single care, it has long since been melted away.
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>So, what's yer' trade policy?

>My what now?

>Okay, plans for immigration?

>Is that... I don't.....

>...What's yer' education system like? Do ya'll at least have a steady curriculum?

>Stop making up words!

>...Horseapples.

>Look, all I wanted to do was conquer your kingdom, that's it!

>Fine, were ya'll going to institute a new currency at least?

>Currawhatnow?

>Currency. Bits. Gems. Trade able goods. Somethin' ta' exchange fer services or goods.

>Oh! We call that, "I ask for it and you give it because I'm the queen."

>....Yer' infrastructure is givin' me nightmares.

>Stop making up words!

>Yer military force is fantastic, how in the great bucking stallion of the west are ya'll so bad at everythin' else? Yer' worse than Cadence fer' land's sakes!

>Fights to the death.

>...Fights to the death.

>Yeah! I put four or five in a pit, and the one who walks out gets to be in the army. Smart, huh?

>....How has yer population not collapsed?

>STOP MAKING UP WORDS!

>How do ya'll still have citizens?

>I'm down to, what, fifty? Seventy? Counting them is annoying, they all look the same.

>We need ta' help ya'll set up a real government here.

>.....I can make up words too. Cumquat. Absence. Wassailing.

>Those are all real words.

>...shut up.
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"Applejack, dear, I have a question."

>What, is this opposite day? Yer askin' the questions now?

"Oh my, but you are the funny one. Look out Pinkie Pie. But yes, well, there seems to be a certain magical lock on a certain door that leads to an assortment of certain things...."

>Is 'certain' yer word of the day, Celestia? What're ya goin' on about?

"Okay, let's cut the bullshit. I tried to be nice but fine. Now... you've got one minute to unlock the door to my cake stash before I use your body to break it down. Dear."

>Ooooh, that! Well, shucks, Princess, why didn't ya just say so? Ah'm afraid the only thing that can unlock that door is a specially made key.

"Alright, progress. Hand it over and this ends peacefully."


>Ah'd like to, Ah really would, but it's currently with Luna, who's in Saddle Arabia discussin' matters that y'all should really be there to oversee as ruler of Eques--

*the sound of breaking glass as Celestia leaps through the window*

"YOU'D BEST PRAY TO ME THAT NONE OF MY CAKE SPOILS BEFORE I GET BACK!"

>Huh. That worked better than Ah thought...
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"Perspicuous."

>That's a word.

"Bosky."

>That's a word.

"Echt."

>S'a word.

"Oh come on! I just made a random noise that time! You are so making that up!"

>Look it up. Means genuine.

"....."

>Genuine means it's real.

"You're fucking with me."

>Have ya'll even SEEN a dictionary?

"...maybe?"

>Oh Starswirl, give me strength.

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>....What the hell is that?

>It's a form, yer' highness. It's a little form yer' subject fill out, then you look over and either approve or deny. That's it, that's all it requires. Ya' look it over and say yes or no.

>What's it for?

>Well, you'll have ta' read it, won't ya?

>Sum it up for me.

>It's one paragraph.

>....

>PARAGRAPH IS A WORD! Er, Ah' mean, it has more than one word, but it's also, like, a word as in it is describin' something....

>......

>....just read the bucking paper.

>I don't recognize your language.

>...What?

>Your language, I can't read it.

>Yer' speakin' equestrian right now, how can you not read that?

>No, YOU'RE speaking Changeling, but your writing is all weird. It looks like squiggles half the time, and then you'll throw in a random Changeling word in there. I can read Princess Celestia and Princess Applejack, but the rest looks like gibberish.

>....Huh.

>No wonder you ponies have so many made up words!

>It's not made up.... never mind. Fine, give me an example of yer' language, and Ah'll translate it.

>Kay.

>.....Yer fuckin' with me.

>What?

>It's two words. Queen Chrysalis. Ah' meant, like, a sentence or something.

>That's pretty much it, my name is very versatile.

>....S'cuse me.

>Applejack, are you sure you should be so close to the edge- she just jumped. She has just jumped from the top of the castle. Can she fly?.....Nope. Huh.... I don't know what her problem was, I like my name. It's versatile.

>Very versatile, my Queen.

>See? He gets it.

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>Okay, okay.... let me speak ta' yer' general, Ah' might be able ta' make some headway there.

>You sure? I mean, that head injury looks serious.

>If anythin', it's calmin' me down. Yer general please.

>Okay I'll just- OH NO!

>What!?

>He took the helmet off!

>...What.

>The helmet! It's the only way I know which one he is! He could be any of them!

>....What's his name?

>They don't have names!

>......

>....what?

>Ah' was actually waitin' for someone to pipe up with somethin' like "We have names!" and have ya'll shut them down or something. Wow, this get's a mite more depressing every second.

>It's okay, I see the helmet. I just have to stick it on one of them, and I'm golden. WHOOO! Crisis averted!

>Ah jus... ugh. Do ya'll even have a chain of command?

>Sure. There's all of them, and they follow my command. Pretty simple, right?

>...Celestia, help.

>*in the distance* Nooooooooooooooope!

>...This is all mah fault.

>Damn it, you scuffed the helmet! This thing is important, idiot! What are the odds of me finding another one in an armory!?

>Ah need cake.

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>they kind of still all created a continuity and recurring gags.

We've got

>Everything is wrong with Equestria.
>Applejack attempts to ask Celestia a question, she reacts hilariously.
>The regular ponies are terribly incompetent.
>It's all Celestia's fault.
>Luna is steadfastidly avoiding doing princess work.
>Celestia needs her cakes
>All of the princesses do, in fact.
>The guards are incompetent because Shining Armor is a terrible captain of the guard.
>Shining Armor wants to be an Alicorn and feels unappreciated.
>Cadence doesn't notice.
>Twilight notices and is crazy protective... and can apparently punch cancer.
>Cadence can't do any princess stuff, and can't count.
>Discord made Fluttershy an Alicorn
>She can apparently counter his magic now
>Applejack's family doesn't know where she is.
and most recently
>Queen Chrysalis has a frighteningly limited vocabulary, and her government is essentially her commanding a bunch of changelings.

Jesus, looking back on it there are SO MANY GAGS in here.

Writefags, way to fucking go. Talk about going the extra mile.

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>Hey Princess!

“Applejack, please. I’m eating my cake. This is cake time now. Not ‘barge into Celestia’s room and bombard her with grief’ time.”

>Y’all can stuff yer face later, Ah have a question!

“As you seem to have every forty-eight seconds….”

>How did Chrysalis ever get to be a queen? Ah’ve been sittin’ with her for the past nine hours and, Princess, she’s thick as three day old custard. No regulations, no military control, no grasp of social order--hell, she thinks every other word outta my mouth is somethin’ Ah dun made up!

“Fascinating. Front pages news, I daresay. But what does any of this drivel have to do with me exactly? This doesn’t sound like a fault of mine.”

>You oughta be bouncin' with joy! There’s actually a ruler so incompetent that it makes y’all shine like the sun you rise ev’ryday!

“…”

>And it’s basically all yer fault fer not keepin’ an eye over yer land and allowin’ a takeover-crazy species like the Changelings to even come to fruition!

“And there it is, there’s the blame. You know what, my dearest Applejack? You deal with her. Queen Chrysalis and her limited vocabulary are your problem to deal with. Find something productive for her and her minions to do.”

>...if this backfires, yer gonna get all the blame, princess.

“It’s a blame I’ll wear as a badge of honor. Now get the fuck out and take your headache.”

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>Okay... since Ah' somehow ended up y'alls babysitter, Ah'm gonna start fresh. You there! What do ya' want yer name ta' be?

>Changeling.

>...no, Ah' mean, what do ya' want ta' be called?

>A Changeling. That's what I am.

>No, Ah' mean, iffin' ya' wanted someone ta' get yer attention from across the room, what would you want them ta' say?

>Hey you!

>.....Let's try the one to yer' left, he looks slightly smarter. Okay, my name is Applejack, that's what ponies call me so that they know Ah'm different from, say, Princess Celestia. What do ya' want me ta' call you?

>Queen... Chrysalis?

>....Okay, one, yer a girl? Weird. Two, no, ya' can't be called Queen Chrysalis, there already is a Queen Chrysalis, and one is already too many. Try again.

>....Applejack?

>Yes?

>No, I'm asking if that can be my name.

>.....No, it can't. That's mah name.

>Can I have it?

>No!

>Pleeeease! It's a really pretty name!

>Appreciated, but ya' can't.

>....Jackleapp?

>You know what? Let's go with that. We're making progress!

>Yay! Wait, does this mean I'm not a Changeling anymore? I still want to be a Changeling.

>I agree with Applejack, I don't want to not be a Changeling anymore. Changelings are cool.

>.....TWILIGHT HELP!

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"So... 'Tia. About this whole Chrysalis thing."

>"Not my problem."

"Well, Celestia... It kind of is."

>"I'm afraid not, Applejack. This is entirely your responsibility, you are the one that decided we need to work on changeling relations."

"Um, you see, princess... I was talkin' about finding an alternate food source for the changelings. So, I asked Chrysalis if I could do a interview with summa her... Minions. Ah decided to ask em' what love tastes like..."

>"And how could this possibly concern me?"

"Well, It wasn't all that surprisin' to me when they said it tastes sweet. So, ah thought about it for a while and and asked 'em if they would consider trying actual food. They said yes... but only if it tastes like love."

>"Applejack, you didn't."

"Well, actually... ah did. Ah reckon there's about seventy hungry changelings raiding the bakery right about now."

>Celestia's eyes glow white with rage

>"APPLEJAAAACK!"

"Uh, ah gotta go now... bye!"

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>Are ya kiddin!? Ah leave ya' alone fer five minutes and everythin' is on FIRE! AH have seen RIOTS that are more organized than you! Nothing flammable was even in this dang ballroom, Ah made sure of that! WHERE THE HAY IS YER QUEEN!?

>She went off to find a dick-shon-ray. I don't know why she wants that, we can shapeshift as big was we want, but I guess it was important?

>....Okay, let's put a little pin in that last part an' come back to it later, but fer now, help me put out the fire! And fer' land's sakes, STOP FLYING INTO IT!

>But it's soooo preeeeettyyyyyy!

>ARRRRRGH!

*Chrysalis bursts into the room*

>Holy bluespit! There are SO MANY WORDS! There's even a word for those orange stick looking things that come out of the ground!

>...Carrots?

>....Oh, yeah. You're right, that is what they're called. Wow, I was WAY off with that one- Oh hey, every things on fire. Neat.

>ARRRGH!

>Oh hey, you can burst the blood vessels in your eyes too? I thought only that one Changeling could do that. You should have been here earlier, I would have given you the helmet instead.

>AARRRRRRHHHHHH

>That fire's pretty.

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>Throw them inta' the sun.

>I'm sorry.

>Throw them all inta' the sun. The whole lot of them. Just pick up the ballroom and chuck it straight in. Don't bother complaining about losing that room, you don't bucking want that room back. The room is dead to me, much like most of the sanity an' morals Ah' had when Ah' woke up this morning....Burn them all.

>Applejack, we can't genocide a species because they annoy you.

>They ate the tables, Celestia. They saw the cakes in the bakery and flew right past them to eat the tables, because the tables smelled sweet. Ah' draw the line at missin' the cakes fer' the furniture. Ah'm done.

>...No.

>What?

>No. You don't get to back out now. You don't get to cry about how hard this is, or how stupid they are, or their lack of survival instinct. You don't get to run. Because you know what? Everything you know about them, EVERYTHING, is better than how ponies were one thousand years ago. There was infighting, wars, and ponies struggling to come up with NAMES.

>Er-

>So you know what? Struggle. Struggle to drag these idiots into the light and show them how to better themselves. If my experience is anything to go by, it'll only take 800 years. Best of luck.

>...Yer' scary sometimes, Celestia.

>My dear, if you knew what I was thinking right now, there would never be a moment you weren't afraid. Back to work.

*Shining Armor walks in.*

>Okay, so, hey! Just noticed the creature who kidnapped my wife, who is also my RAPIST coincidentally, is running around unsupervised in the castle. We gonna fill me in on that? I feel like someone should fill me in on that.

>No, it's fine.

>...It's fine.

>It's fine. Nothing to worry about, at least nothing you need to worry about.

>Ah' can tell him.

>It's not important.

>....I'm going to go hang out with Twilight for a bit. When my wife asks where I am next week, tell her I'm back at home. I left a giant plush double, she'll never even notice the difference.

>Can do.

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