Magic Mayhem Chapter 5: Trial and Trixie

> The potato couch spell is, as you would like to put it, “a spell that is more or less for shits and giggles”.
> How did it originate, you might ask? Perhaps it was just a twist of words for the average and infamous “couch potato”, an old slang term to mock the lazy, in which the genius incantation’s inventor made it to ridicule those too meek to get off their flanks.
> Nonetheless, it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure to have it amongst the hundreds of unique spells you possess in your repertoire when it comes to showing your magic, which you’re doing so in an act of nonchalant folly.
> In the middle of a field, no less, and with Trixie and Twilight as the witnesses.
> Trixie: “This… is your magic? Trixie is not impressed.”
You wanted me to show that I could do magic, boss; you didn’t say what I had to perform to convince you.
> Twi: “But Anon… it’s just an overgrown potato with a piece cut out to make it look like a couch.”
> That it is, too; perhaps not the niftiest of spells, but who in their right mind can say that they’ve ever seen a couch made out of a potato? Well, now you can.
If it makes you feel any better about this rare commodity, it probably feels a lot better than that old bag of dirty cloths you once called a couch.
> Twi: “That couch had sentimental value, you know.”
And so the wonderful memories shalt be passed on to the next generation, dear. Now, let’s begin today’s training, shall we?
> Evaporating the couch into an astral storage unit that you hope will never be touched again lest you suffer from whatever fungi that will soon beset it, you place yourself a good few yards from the challenging mares.
> This field is a vast one, far from the outskirts of Ponyville where no one shall see the two mess-ups that are these unicorns begin their training.
> The meadow flowing in the graceful serenity that is the wind, they both look at you eagerly for the continuation of your speech.
> To be honest, if you had anything to follow that, you’re now drawing nothing but a blank.
> Real smooth.
> Twi: “…And what are you teaching us, today?”
Ah, yes! That’s right, I’m teaching you, ain’t I? It’s just that breeze is so comforting; I couldn’t help but gaze off to the distance and admire the splendor of the scenery here.
> As if to press your point, you glaze off to the horizon, silence ensuing the three of you.
> Trixie: “Trixie… eck! I am not pleased at such languid teaching.”
> Twi: “Anon, please, try to focus. You took us out here for a reason, and it’s not for sightseeing.”
> Giving an effort demanding sigh, you wave your hand reluctantly as you return to the task at hand.
Yeah, yeah. We’re gonna work on elemental spells, fire to be precise.
> Trixie: “I am ecstatic! I love fire spells!”
I noticed you also seem to lack in casting them efficiently.
> This is enough to damper her enthusiastic mood, pout and looking off to her own pivotal distance.
> Trixie: “At least I know a fire spell.”
> You’ll never understand whether she’s egging you on, or truly skeptical of your skills, but you might as well feed her addiction to “magic tricks”.
Very well, then; stand under me.
> You pull up your sleeves as they look at you with stupefied looks.
> Twi: “Err, what?”
Oh, let me rephrase that: Stand under me, or burn alive.
> Oh hey, looks like that caught their attention, considering that they almost immediately shifted their proximity much closer to you.
There ya go. First spell would be the wise one, as the second is for display only~.
> Their punch-drunk faces are giving off the vibe that they have no clue as to what your riddling refers to, but you carry on even so.
> Level 7 Low Mystical Spell: Elemental Barrier.
> It takes a motion or thirteen for the magic to unravel from your outspread hands, but it forms a bowl like shape above you.
> You know, you’ve spent a upright year either completing honing this stuff or bluffing through it, but it still baffles the hell out of you as to how some of these fucking spells work. You mean, why; why does this particular spell come out of your hands in spirals?
> It doesn’t make sense, there’s no actual value to it beyond some extra flair; does Mother Nature just decide “Oh hey, let’s make this spell go all twisty!” or some shit? But you digress.
> Fucking magic.
> Anyways, it eventually forms into a tinted light aquamarine color, although translucent by nature; hopefully effective enough to act as a safety glass of sorts.
I’d like to note that this is called an Elemental Barrier, a tad useful for when someone (or something) is using one of the four elements on you. This is a level 7, so it’s fairly sturdy, but remember that in most cases any defensive spell must be of equal or higher ranking to successively withstand another spell.
> Twi: “For example, a level 8 Fire Spell would break through that, right?”
> Trix: “Well, it appears someone is asking obvious questions today.”
> Twi: “Hey!”
You’re very right, Twilight. This spell would hold for about 10 seconds against a level 8 Fire Spell, and less time if it’s any higher. However, I don’t plan to summon the bowels of hell right here, but let me show you the beauty of what you can accomplish at levels five and six.
> And so you work the prime mechanic, forcing air into fruition and acting as fuel to your spell;
> Level 6, Fire Element: Phoenix Flame Style.
> About ten feet into the air, a raging form of fire erupts above you, the heat felt even through the shield; it was minimal for you, but you can imagine how the sweltering temperature must be on them.
> Trixie: “Professor Anon, I don’t understand what the shield is for; are you worried that you’ll be hurt by your own spell?”
It’s Anon, and I was worried about you two, of course. Unless specifically intended, casters cannot be affected by their own elemental spell unless it directly inhibits the laws of nature. For example…
> You motion their attention above, where the flames take a form of a majestic bird, wings of fire spread tens of yards apart.
This phoenix spell’s heat will not hurt me, nor will it’s fire; however, anything it catches aflame, such as my coat here, will do the usual damage and thus is not something you want relaxing on your shoulder. Fire spells in this case is a fickle thing.
> They’re both admiring at it takes to the skies, growing ever so mightier; a different range of burning hues streaks its burning wings, it soars above you in waiting for a command.
> With a wave of your hand, it actually gives a piercing cry before puffing out in a mass of smoke, taking to the afterlife of magic. The barrier dissolving itself, you feel the temperature being a tad warmer until the breeze ventures back in, and the two ponies give their remarks on the scene.
> Twi: “That was awesome, Anon! Will I be able to do that, too?”
Of course. Almost any spell I cast is something I plan to teach you, or rather the two of you.
> Trixie: “Your elemental rule in regards to harming yourself; does that mean if you lift a rock above you, and drop it, the rock cannot hurt you?”
Unfortunately, there’s a little thing called gravity, not to mention common sense.
> Trixie: “Oh… right. I knew this, of course, I just wished to test your theory for holes.”
> When you ever learn, Trixie? Yet then again, you’d rather her ask you than attempt these herself.
Anyhow, we’ll be starting with the basic of fire magic, and we’ll see where each of you are at. Let’s begin with discussing the basic components, shall we?
-----
> Fire spells, as somewhat mentioned before, are tricky things to learn; in fact, you wouldn’t hold back from saying that it’s likely the hardest of the four elements to learn or master.
> It’s the essence of destruction, but it’s lesser understood as the source of comfort, the carnal need for warmth.
> Too much of it, and we would ignite into a hellish demise; too little, and we’ll suffer and die in an icy grave. Such is the balance of spirit.
> Fire incantations are much easier to understand than the aspect of itself; you simply create a source of fuel, you give it oxygen, and you make a spark.
> Fun fact: Most unicorns who cast fire spells unknowingly use methane, truly an amateur mistake if you must say so yourself.
> Methane is, of course, a flammable choice, and it’ll do the job, but it’s meant only for lower fire spells; as you need higher powered fire incantations, you’ll need more potent fuel source, which requires yet more magic to procure.
> Plus, if you try to pump more methane into a spell instead of switching to a different fuel, it reeks awfully.
Now, all of this that I tell you is for you to understand; you’re going to prove to me before we continue that you can cast at least two different styles for each of Level One and Level Two Fire Spells. Twilight, you’re up to bat.
> Twi: “Huh? Oh, you want me to go first. ‘Up to bat’… human term?”
Indeed, means hurry your butt up. Name out loud the spell level, spell type, and spell style.
> Twi: “This is really weird, they don’t actually make you do anything practical until the exam; usually they just stuff your head full of knowledge and hope you can work out the finer details.”
Well, this is Professor Anon’s School for the Magically Awesome, and we do things here a bit differently.
-----
> Twi: “This stuff is stupid, but here goes; Level 1 Elemental Spell, Fire Element… sphere style.”
> As what anyone could imagine, a small flicker of fire, about the size of an apple, forms a trivial distance from her horn, spiraling into concentration.
> Looking at you for confirmation, she rolls her eyes in dullness.
> Twi: “Ugh, this boring! I’m doing this in human form!”
> Wait, what?
Uh, Twilight, I strongly recommend that y-
> Too late; holding the fiery enchantment up, she begins gooing into her transformation spell.
> To those who are curious or unaware, it is a TERRIBLE idea to be chanting one spell and while amidst it cast another; the original spell, if it cannot be upheld with pristine focus, will cancel itself out or go out of control.
> This one did the latter.
> You didn’t even have time to cast anything to block it, resorting to physical evasion by leaping up in a frightful fit; this fucker was shooting at your crotch at Mach 1 speed, missing you by inches as it soars between your outstretched legs and crashes into the grass, catching ablaze.
HOLY FUCK!
> Still feeling the heat that the spell left when it licked your testicles upon passing, you remind yourself that it was expected that there would be a few fires to put out.
> Pouring water on the flames, you note quietly that this was not exactly how you wanted it to go.
> Having finished her spell, a now human Twilight (it takes you a moment to realize that she must’ve changed yesterday morning, bearing in mind that she’s in “normal” clothes versus her skimpy nightdress) is dusting off her skirt and grinning.
> Twi: “Alright, where was… I?”
…
> Twi: “…? Where did my fire spell go?”
> Trixie is both in tears from wanting to laugh herself to death and amazement at the utterly bizarre scene; deciding to tempt fate anyways, she begins rolling through the meadow and giggles away.
> Trixie: “AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHH HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!”
> Twi: “Whuh, what’s so funny?!”
> Trixie: “You! No wonder they didn’t let you in!”
Twilight, remember.
> Twi: “I know, tolerance. I’m just FULL of tolerance today!”
> She bites her cheek, looking at you morosely as Trixie finishes her snickering.
> Trixie: “You… hehe… you almost set Anon on fire, haha! Trixie has new found respect for you, heheha!”
> Twilight looks over to where you stand now, the area of grass still smoldering; not wanting to make it a big deal, you give a cool shrug.
Shit happens.
> Twi: “Oh, my bad.”
Normally this is where I point out that Trixie’s fire spells don’t even compare to your poorest attempt to catch me ablaze; but considering that you’re both my students now, I can only grin and chuckle on the inside.
> Trixie: “Hmph! Trixie knows all sorts of magic, and fire just happens to be her specialty!”
Well then, let’s see your Level 1 spell, then?
> It’s as if you’re sending a blow into her ego, unknowingly challenging her to prove she can back up her claims.
> It’s just a fucking Level 1 Spell, are you serious?
> Trixie: “Hmph! Trixie will amaze you with her awesome power!”
-----
> It takes her a full minute to get “into the zone”. You’d like to note that she’s either the best preparer you’ve met, or the most lethargic.
> Probably both.
> Trixie: “Alright, Trixie-!”
> Your eyes penetrate her soul, untold years of punishment and hatred boring into her as you carve a single message into her.
> Trixie: “Uh, duh huh… *I’m* ready!”
Very well, call out your spell.
> Twilight is now lollygagging in the grass, enjoying the setting like you were before, how envious and hypocritical of her!
> Trixie: “HOAAH! Level 1 AWESOME ELEMENTAL SPELL! CHAOTIC Fire Element: Trixie’s super magnificent STYLE!”
> You facepalm as Twilight’s attention is wrenched onto Trixie.
> Twi: “Wait, WHAT?!”
Trixie, quiet making up spells.
> Trixie: “It’s real, BEHOLD!”
> In her finest moment, Trixie gathers her magic into one formula, harnessing into her true form.
> And it was hilarious.
-----
> They say that it’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean; such things apply only to naval war games and penis sizes, and have no effect when it refers to magic spells.
> Trixie’s fire spell, to put it bluntly, was devastatingly pathetic. It wasn’t abysmal or beyond redemption, mind, but this little wisp of smoky flame would only be useful for marshmallows and minor arson.
> It would take a fair while just to get a single s’more out of it, but you deviate; stifling the eternity of mental laughter into the cold abscesses of your heart, you remain in your professional form and address Trixie as her flame snuffs itself out, the poor little thing thanking the world for ending its misery.
Trixie, you need to work on improving your stamina. Putting the dramatics aside, it appears you have terrific focus, but your magic powers are so lacking that your techniques are going to waste.
> Again, any sort of criticism turns her mind into a cage match, and she’s suddenly backed into a corner. How does she plan to improve herself when she’s offended by such objective advice?
> Trixie: “But… but the spell was perfection, flawless!”
> Twi: “She’s delusional, Anon~!”
> Trixie: “I’m RIGHT, and I don’t want to hear anything from a half-baked magic user!”
> As if there was a can of straws in Twilight’s mind that Trixie has been casually pulling out, it appears she just drew the final one.
> By this, you humbly mean that Twilight is pissed off before you can even bother to put some distance between the two of them.
> Twi: “Oh, that DOES IT!”
-----
> The splendid part of the news is, they decided magic wasn’t fit for this scuffle, and instead resorted to wrestling of sorts. You’re almost tempted to let them let off the steam, as a good ol’ rasslin’ never hurts anyone (ignoring the fact Trixie is likely to gore Twilight with her horn).
> You give Twilight a few moments to overwhelm the enraged blue unicorn with her human body when you waltz on over, grab her by the hair, and tug her back into reality with a generous yank.
> Twi: “OW! Anon, stop-!”
> Trixie: “Let us continue this duel!”
Are you both fucking kidding me? This isn’t even a fight, it’s two minds conflicting each other with obnoxiousness meeting downtrodden arrogance. Both of you, get the fuck up.
> They unswervingly snub you as they continue this bout, hands against hooves in some sort of hot lesbian showdown. With this in mind, you soon realize that you’re being discounted in the notion of them wanting to act like little fillies.
> This burns your ass worse than shitting a jalapeño omelet doused with hellfire hot sauce.
Act…
> Level 3 Elemental Spell, Wind Element; you blow Twilight clean off of Trixie, landing her on her rump as Trixie herself sails a few yards in the opposite direction.
YOUR BLOODY AGE, YOU IDIOTS!
> Celestia herself could not dampen your rage when they get up and literally charge at each other again, and you call upon frantic measures. Undulating your arms and hunkering down, you condemn your palm into the dirt in a thrust of supernatural righteousness.
> Level 6 will do. Earth Element, Magic Dome Prison.
> The terrain itself rises from beneath each of them, trapping them in their own vault of dirt as each one gives a yelp of revelation.
> You don’t know if they’re quiet or shouting their heads off, but hopefully the notion is enough to knock some sense into them.
> For personal reference- you would get in some serious shit if you pulled this off anywhere else; to incarcerate an unwilling pony is known to be a criminal offense, although the reasoning can be argued.
> Walking between the two mounds, you give both your hands a twist, forming a trifling hole in each of the prisons.
Don’t want you fuckers suffocating on me. Now shut up, and relax.
-----
=====Meanwhile for You=====
> Inside your head, you begin talking with yourself; no, you don’t mean to detail that you’re insane to some extent.
> It would be more logical to say that you’re discussing this whole ordeal over with your personified conscience.
Hey, how’s it going?
> “You fucking tell me, you’re the one who’s crazy enough to point out that you’re talking to yourself.”
Well, hm. I was hoping you could give me a few tips on how to deal with two dramatic horses that seem to want to kill each other.
> “Well, are they expendable?”
They’re my students.
> “… not expendable, then?”
No, sadly.
> “If you can’t kill them, then you’ll have to either work something out with them or arbitrate things. At either rate they’re not going to like the process a single bit.”
Eck, and here I thought those teachers were theatrical. Always giving me shit for one reason or another.
> “Heh, remember that one time when I told you to piss on that statue, and you DID it?”
I plead the fifth.
> “You can plead whatever the fuck you want, this is MY court, and this judge is calling you guilty as charged~”
> Excalibur: “OHAI GAIZE WATS GOIN ON HERE?”
> “Oh Nayru, who invited him?”
Quick, exit crazy meditation mode, eject, eject!
-----
===== Meanwhile for Trixie =====
> Not that she would comprehend the meaning of the description, but Trixie is going full Captain Sparrow in her hull.
> Being told not to say a word, she’s forced to sit here in this horrendous silence, boredom overpowering her into a madness of furious monotony.
> They’re all hallucinations, of course, but when Trixie has the desperate need to constantly be in the spotlight, being shut into a dark auditorium is driving her bonkers.
> [It is to be mentioned that not a single word is actually said in this event; it is entirely a work of fiction in her head.]
> Trixie: “Trixie hates dark places! Get me out of here!”
> Trixie(1): “Trixie will rescue you with her super spell!”
> Trixie(1) unleashes Heaven’s wrath through a series of unmentionable incantations, none of which work.
> Trixie(2): “Ha! Trixie couldn’t spell her way out of a wet paper bag! But THIS Trixie is fine with the crowd here to wow with Trixie’s POWERFUL and MYSTICAL ways!”
> Trixie(3): “For the love of Celestia, why am I hallucinating? Can someone PLEASE let me out before I go crazy?”
> Trixie: “You’re just a fake, you! Trixie knows which Trixie is real!”
> Trixie(1): “Trixie knows too! Trixie is Trixie, of course!”
> Trixie(1) is now impaled by Celestia’s horn, who apparently has joined the list of hallucinations.
> Trixie(3): “Oh joy, now her royal majesty is here in mirage form. Any reason you came here?”
> Celestia(?): “I AM THE SUN GOD BOW BEFORE MY GIANT COCK”
> Trixie(3): “Alright, it appears that I’ve become induced with the ill effects of a potion. Hey, what are you-?”
> The Celestia hallucination, with Trixie and Trixie(2) as witness, now has the penis the size of a well-endowed dragon, and is violently assaulting Trixie(3).
> Trixie: “The things I think of when there’s no one to talk to.”
> Trixie(2): “You’re telling me.”
-----
===== Meanwhile for Twilight =====
> Twi: “(I wonder if these are the proper size for human breasts? I know Anon keeps looking at them, but I don’t entirely know why… is something wrong with them? Maybe he’s thirsty for my milk…? Ew!)”
> …
> Twi: “(But if that’s what he wanted, he should just ask. Maybe I’ll ask him. Ohmygosh I just can’t wait until I get to learn my new spell today yay! It’s going to be so cool when I shoot fire like that phoenix spell where I go KAPOW fire! And then fire comes out and it turns into a giant avian and…)”
> This continues for a long while; take your own word for it.
-----
> A half hour passes, silence embalming the area as you meditate on your actions, past and future.
> It’s some time before one of them finally speak.
> Trixie: “Why I can’t teleport out of this? This dome thing, I mean.”
The dirt is being bound my magic, denying exit until the caster either tuckers out or stops the incantation.
> Her head, hat now missing, pokes towards the hole into the light of day.
> Trixie: “Seems like a cheap spell. Is there no way to get out?”
Well, Trixie, there’s two ways; the first would be to cast a negation curse to dispel the magic, and then blowing it apart through either another spell or sheer force.
> Trixie: “I can’t do that. What’s the other way?”
Tell me why you and Twilight have bad blood, and tell me what I can do to help you mares get along. Otherwise, we’re sitting here.
> She may not be seen, but Twilight is definitely heard.
> Twi: “A few years ago, Trixie came to Ponyville to gloat about her ‘powerful’ magic, trying to outdo the others here.”
> Trixie: “But my magic is supreme, ultimate! They dare to defy the GREAT-“
Trixie, I hate to burst your bubble, but you and I both know your magic stinks tremendously.
> Now that was a punch to her throat, and you don’t even fret with opening your eyes.
> Trixie: “…”
> Twi: “It’s not that I dislike you, Trixie, but you brag when you shouldn’t, and you make claims you cannot do. It’s just too much, and with the insults you’re going to drive me crazy.”
Yeah, and that’s my job.
> Twi: “You do it pretty good too, idiot.”
> Trixie: “… *sniff*”
> You can’t act like a caring and doting mother, and quite frankly she should have realized this long ago.
> Adding nothing to the silence, it takes a few moments for you to smell smoke, and that one of them is using a fire spell.
Uh, which of you are trying to burn their way out?
> Twi: “I’m just waiting for you to release us. Anon, do you like dictionaries?”
> Ignoring the question, it appears your own query has been answered when smoke pilfers out from Trixie’s tomb of sorts.
Trixie, are you alright?
> No response. Seriously, you’re not going to be the teacher of an immolated student.
> You end the spell, lowering the domes back into the earth. On one side, Twilight is sitting with her arms around her knees, apparently atoning for her actions. On the other hand…
> Trixie is seemingly having a small bonfire, her face stained with dried tears; it takes a moment for you to figure that she’s not actually casting a spell at this point, but rather is using her now deceased cape and hat as firewood.
Uh, Trixie…
> Trixie: “I know, I’m pathetic. I’m not worthy of my own name nor title. I just… want to watch my stuff burn.”
> You pokerface, unsure as to whether or not this is actually a step in the right direction; thankfully Twilight takes it from here, kneeling down and putting an arm around Trixie.
> Twi: “Hey, just because you’re not the best just yet, doesn’t mean you’ll never be. Just be more humble, and let Anon show you how to become the real deal, and soon you’ll be able to show off your true gift.”
That’s right. Magic can be used for entertainment, but it was never intended solely for bragging. If making others smile with what I teach you is what your goal is, I’ll do my damned best to give you a full session to display. It’ll take some time, but know that as long as we work together, there’s no way you can go wrong!
> A lame bout of words, but it appears to have left a mark on her, granting her a slight smile.
> Trixie: “Trixie… I will become better.”
> Twi: “The best there ever was!”
To learn spells is your real test, to train is for your cause!
> DUH NUH NUH!
> Trixie gets up proudly, you and Twilight joining in this makeshift tune of unknown origins.
> Trixie: “I have traveled across Equestria, searching far and wide;”
> Twi: “Each fire spell, to understand-“
The power that’s INSIDE! Run with me!
> You begin sprinting off, entirely ignoring the befuddled two to watch you take off into the distance.
> Trixie: “Err… I would like to know what he’s doing?”
> Twi: “He IS the teacher, sigh. I’m sure he’s got something planned.”
> Looking at each other in contemplation of your hypothetically random action, they laugh and make way to join you as you haphazardly shoot fire balls into the sky.
> Hey, you can run and shoot fireballs; why not both?
> The end.