Sunshine and Me

Sunshine and Me

TL;DR version at bottom of pastebin.

So, here we are once again. Super Mario Sunshine has once again put me in a bad mental state with my life and how I interact with others in the community. I just want to throw my feelings out into a pastebin and explain some of the troubles I've had with this through the years.

In July 2022, I will officially hit 8 years of having been in the SMS community for speedrunning (with about half a year on top of that in just watching runs, chatting, and learning more about the game). This is a really long time, and within the community we jokingly refer to those that were around pre-GBS era as boomers (which I qualify for that). At the time of picking up SMS, I was 15. This was my entry into speedrunning after finding Toufool's SGDQ 2013 run on YouTube in late 2013, and being young and having time I was super excited by it. I watched, learned, practiced, eventually asked for a capture card as a present. After receiving it, I started streaming.

The first half year or so was pretty enjoyable. Meeting new people online within the SMS community, learning more, and getting better. But as time went on, things started to change within the community that affected me. There was a LOT of toxicity and "clique" like behavior from various people near the top of the leaderboards (will not directly be naming anyone in this rant, so don't bother— If you know you know, if you don't it's for the best). One thing that has stuck with me for 8 years is some elitist behavior that worked its way into my life and I haven't been able to get rid of. It might have been trash talk or the usual "pb sucks" comments, but still being young and relatively new, seeing the WR holder constantly trash their own skill and everyone else's as well. If it wasn't WR, it was bad, and WR was also bad. This same person is also (to my knowledge) a significantly better person today than they were then, so it might have just been some mindless comments. On top of this, there were times where I saw new runners (literally days or weeks into learning the game) getting trashed on by some other people. It really stuck with me that if I wasn't at the top, I wasn't good enough.

This really F'd me up in how I viewed things for a long time, both in and out of the internet. Now, adding other teen angst and depression into the mix and life felt like it was spiraling out of control. I eventually realized around the time I was 16 or 17 that those kinds of comments were ruining my mentality about speedrunning, gaming, and other social activities. So I took a hiatus, playing very minimally during that time. Life would get better, mentality would get better, and then I'd come back and start picking up the game again more seriously to try and nail down goals I had set prior.

And then it started all over again. The hatred, the self-toxicity, etc. For the last ~6 years, I have been playing Sunshine with an on and off basis, taking breaks when it gets bad and then eventually come crawling back because that's one of two games I am good at and have played for a long time, so it's very easy to just pick up and play.

In the last ~4 or so years, Sunshine Bingo has increased in popularity and even went so far as to making an official League for it. After being really burnt on RTA and feeling like I peaked, bingo was a source of relief for me. It was enjoyable to play matches, win or lose, because it wasn't RTA. But eventually in about 2020, that relief started becoming irritation. I wasn't playing well, I was making constant mistakes, I wouldn't forgive myself. I took a long break, returned, and debuted in Season 3. I (somehow) ended up winning Division 2 that year due to some incredible luck and play-making. I felt fairly happy that I was still playing at a decent level, but was already started to feel the tinge of irritation and boredom after a relatively brisk 3 month period.

Now, in today's time, I joined Season 4 despite being on the fence about it due to availability, but figured since I won Division 2, I should try and play Season 4. I had picked up 120 Shines briefly prior to Season 4 starting and was having probably the most fun with the game in RTA since learning the game in 2013-2014. I thought I'd be okay with playing on a regular basis for about 3 months again. But after somewhat forcing myself to play on a weekend that I should've taken a break, everything started rolling downhill quickly. Became quicker to complain, was becoming increasingly more and more toxic to those around me, started saying a few elitist things here and there. By the end of my participation in Season 4 (yesterday, as of writing this), I was just so annoyed, irritated, toxic, and despising myself for everything. I was having 0 fun. It was no longer enjoyable, and it felt like a chore. This was barely a 2 month period this time before I hit the point in the cycle that I've hit at least a dozen times over the years I've spent playing.

After thinking about it yesterday and today, the thought has come back to me again for the 3rd or 4th time in the last few years: Why not just quit entirely? I have tried and I usually make it about a 8 months to a year before feeling like I am comfortable enough to pick up the game again and play regularly, whether it be RTA or bingo. But this time it feels way worse, and way more serious. I feel like if I let the cycle happen again, I am going to really say some toxic or vile words to someone and have real repercussions instead of receiving (way too much) empathy.

Ultimately, this will forever be a "Me" problem. I can't manage the elitist comments in my head, or forgive myself for making mistakes in relation to Sunshine. I am tired of complaining all the time, but it's all I do due to depression (which that feels like an excuse and a crutch, but that is my glass half-empty mentality of life, separate from Sunshine). But right now, I have to make the adult decision to stop repeating this cycle, even if means I never PB in this game again, even if it means I never join another bingo event. I have to stop myself before letting the toxicity and elitism take over. I want to stop disappointing others before myself, as well as their enjoyment of the game due to my words or actions.

— TL;DR Starts Here —

I have played SMS for a very long time, and due to depression as well as toxicity and elitism that I endured early on in my tenure, I am in a bad mental state with the game and in a bad cycle of hating myself after playing for a rapidly decreasing span of time each cycle. I want to make it stop so I am going into a long hiatus.

— TL;DR Ends Here —

To end this pastebin off, I just want to thank everyone in the bingo community for being welcoming and supportive. SMS Bingo is the best speedrun bingo game out there and it's joined with the best community. I am going to say I am not going into a hiatus and actually quitting for good this time, but that hasn't worked the last few times I've tried. I expect to be back in about a year, give or take a few months.

Thank you for reading!
-DL