"
Did you hear about the restaurant on the moon? Great food no atmosphere,
I thought about going on an all-almond diet. But that’s just nuts,
What did the buffalo say to his son when he left for college? Bison,
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta,
What do you get if you stand between two llamas? Llamanated,
Want to hear a joke about construction? Im still working on it,
Yesterday a clown held a door open for me. I thought it was a nice jester,
Can February March? No but April May,
Why couldnt the bicycle stand up by itself? It was two tired,
What do you call a hen looking at a lettuce? Chicken Caesar Salad,
I would avoid the sushi if I was you. Its a little fishy.,
What do you call a pony with a sore throat? A little horse.,
What do you call cheese that isnt yours? Nacho Cheese.,
My computer sings. its a Dell.,
I used to have a job collecting leaves. I was raking it in.,
Wanna hear a joke about paper? Nevermind it’s tearable.,
Why did the scarecrow win an award? Because he was outstanding in his field.
Just read a few facts about frogs. They were ribbiting.,
How does a penguin build it’s house? Igloos it together,
How do you tell the difference between a crocodile and an alligator? You will see one later and one in a while.,
I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.,
My sea sickness comes in waves.,
What do you call a belt with a watch on it? A waist of time.,
I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome. It was pretty bad at first but by the end I liked it.,
Today was a terrible day. My ex got hit by a bus and I lost my job as a bus driver.,
Wives are like grenades… – Remove the ring and boom, house is gone!,
Wife: I look fat. Can you give me a compliment? Husband: You have perfect eyesight.,
The oldest computer can be traced back to Adam and Eve. It was an apple but with extremely limited memory. Just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.,
Ninetailz's roulette skills,
Did you hear about the man who stole a calendar? He got 12 months,
Doctor:I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live. Patient: What do you mean 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?! Doctor: 9,
a man walks into a zoo. the only animal in there is a dog. its a shitzu,
what did the pirate say when he turned 80? aye matey!,
a Mexican magician says he will disappear on the count of three. Unos... dos...and poof he disappears without a tres,
People don’t like having to bend over to get their drinks. We really need to raise the bar.,
I don’t play soccer because I enjoy the sport. I’m just doing it for kicks,
Did I tell you the time I fell in love during a backflip? I was heels over head,
I used to work in a shoe recycling shop. It was sole destroying.,
A furniture store keeps calling me. All I wanted was one night stand.,
Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's fine he woke up.,
Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? Because they're so good at it.,
I’ve never gone to a gun range before. I decided to give it a shot!,
What's brown and sticky? A stick.,
The rotation of earth really makes my day.,
To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.,
What do you call a fat psychic? A four-chin teller.,
What do you call a man with a rubber toe? Roberto.,
Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other, do you know how to drive this thing?,
This graveyard looks overcrowded. People must be dying to get in there,
Dad can you put the cat out? I didn't know it was on fire,
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro. It's a total rip-off,
My Grandpa said Your generation relies too much on technology! I replied No your generation relies too much on technology!Then I unplugged his life support.,
What's the difference between a woman and a computer? You can punch information into a computer,
What did the boy with no hands get for Christmas? GLOVES! Nah just kidding... He still hasn't unwrapped his present,
How did Rihanna find out Chris Brown was cheating on her? She found another woman's lipstick on his knuckles.,
How can you tell if your wife is dead? The dishes start piling up,
So I painted my laptop black hoping it would run faster… Now it doesn't work,
Say what you want about pedophiles but they do drive slower through school zones,
What's the difference between a gay man and a freezer? A freezer doesn't fart when you pull the meat out,
What's white on top and black on bottom? US culture,
How many cops does it take to change a light bulb? They don't. They arrest the bulb for being broke and beat the room for eing black,
What do you get when you cross goat DNA with human DNA? You get kicked out of the petting zoo,
Dyslexic man walks into a bra,
Police arrested two kids yesterday. one was drinking battery acid the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let he other one off. ,
My mother-in-law fell down a wishing well. I was amazed. I never knew they worked,
Slept like a log last night........ Woke up in the fireplace,
You're American when you go into the bathroom and you're American when you come out but do you know what you are while you're in there? European,
Want to hear a joke about a piece of paper? Never mind... it's tearable,
If you see a robbery at an Apple Store does that make you an iWitness,
A ham sandwich walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender says Sorry we don’t serve food here,
What’s Forrest Gump’s password? 1forrest1,
Why did the Clydesdale give the pony a glass of water? 
Because he was a little horse,
CASHIER: Would you like the milk in a bag sir? DAD: No just leave it in the carton!,
Why do chicken coops only have two doors? Because if they had four they would be chicken sedans,
Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was a salted.,
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, I’m looking for the man who shot my paw.,
What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it? A thought.,
Three blondes walk into a building. You’d think one of them would’ve seen it.,
Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh? She wanted a lot of male in her box.,
I got a compliment on my driving today said a blonde to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield. it said parking fine.,
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!,
How do you confuse a blonde? Put her in a circle and tell her to go to the corner.,
How did the blonde die drinking milk? The cow fell on her,
How do you confuse a blonde? Ask her to alphabetize a bag of M&M,
How did the blonde try to kill the bird? She threw it off a cliff.,
What did the blonde say when she saw the Cheerios box? Omg donut seeds!,
Why can’t a blonde dial 911? She can’t find the eleven.,
Did you hear about the blonde that got excited? She finished a jigsaw puzzle in six months when the box said two to four years.,
"