Over the last several years, I have had a strong fascination with psychedelics as the topic of spirituality and philosophy has intrigued me. I have had a wide range of experience with psychoactive substances for philosophical purposes, typically consuming 3 – 5g dried psilocybin Subaeruginosa and 200 – 400ug LSD. Prior to this experience, despite how much I took, I never seemed to acquire visuals and have failed to travel deep into my mind, usually being somewhat disappointed by the experiences as they has seemed somewhat ‘shallow’. I have researched the topic heavily and for a long time have wanted to experience ego death due to the ‘profound discoveries’ people claim to have. Despite all the claims, I have been somewhat skeptical and thought it was blown out of proportion. The opportunity arose, so I decided to take 6 tabs of 115ug blotters which is almost double the highest amount I have ever consumed in one sitting. It was time to blow the lid off this thing, now or never, and realize its full potential. I decided to take the plunge early one morning, and was in for the biggest ride of my life. Bear with me. This is a long and in-depth story.

At 7.30am while lying in bed, I put the 6 tabs in my mouth and laid back. I failed to get back to sleep, and after a while anxiety started to grow as the minutes ticked over. Within half an hour, there was an uneasiness, a heaviness in the head and some minor alterations in my thought patterns. I decided to lay in bed and chuck on some music. At 8.30, The music was noticeably coming alive, and the trip was coming on strong. Spur the moment decision. “This is it” I thought, and decided to make it a more powerful trip by hitting 2 cones of chocolope sativa. I was feeling good. I had an intense feeling to dance and harness this energy I was feeling with my body. I kept writing down notes at this point as this energy grew more and more intense, vision started to blur, but there was still no noticeable visuals. I felt this strong feeling of contentment and happiness radiating from me. It felt like a sensation of rising heat from my groin area, exiting through the top of my head and through the centre of my chest.

As I become completely eloped in the music, dancing my head off, suddenly these large circular closed eye visuals swept me out of nowhere and completely engulfed me. I snapped my eyes open in awe and my vision returned to normal (besides a bit of a blur effect). Still in awe and surprise, I decided to walk around the house contemplating what to do. I couldn’t believe it, these were the most incredible closed eye visuals I have ever seen. Every time I closed my eyes for more than a few seconds, they came back out of nowhere. It wasn’t just vision, it was a physical sensation as well.

I was fascinated, and decided it was time to lie down on my bed to meditate and let myself get engulfed in this new world I was seeing when my eyes were closed. As I lay, it was no effort at all to get completely engulfed in this whole new world. Before long, as I was completely absorbed in this experience, It felt like It was pulling me in, I was being sucked into this new dimension as the visuals and feeling in my body intensified. My concept of time, space and reality was rapidly numbing.

I was starting to become more anxious, but knew I was in no physical harm and needed to let go of holding on, to experience the deepest depths of LSD. The heat and sensation elevating through my body grew into ecstasy, and a sensation unconditional love. It amplified and amplified. I felt absolutely amazing, physically, mentally and emotionally. Before long, these were feelings and emotions I did not even knew human beings were capable of feeling. I cannot describe how amazing this felt as this Intense and pure rich love and energy pouring out of me. Feeling at complete peace with absolutely no sense of mental/physical discomfort or pain. I remember thinking to myself “wholly fuck, am I experiencing Bliss?!” I literally could not believe it. Tears were rolling out of my eyes at this point from the sheer beauty of this feeling and I had a grin from ear to ear I physically could not stop. This feeling only intensified stronger and stronger. I felt an intense heat and energy radiate from my sexual organs. This grew so intense that it literally became orgasmic. This Intense feeling radiating from my groin to the top of my head kept getting stronger and stronger. It felt like a raging river of heat was pouring out of my chest.

Nothing made sense anymore. All I felt was absolute pleasure from every sense, happiness, approval, and a huge sensation of appreciation and contentment. This urge of giving, giving love and energy was overwhelming. This state of absolutely no hunger, nothing I could possibly want. only the urge to give, serve and love overtook me. I then had this divine sense of oneness with everything. There was no separation, no negativity. Everything was connected and beautiful if you allow it to be, and open yourself up to it.

As this feeling strengthened beyond comprehension, I started to induced some anxiety and uneasiness as I thought the sensation was literally too good to be true. This scared me a little so I snapped my eyes open to look at the time. The time read 9.01 for so long without ticking over. The song seemed to be repeating itself as every note kept looping over and over. The sounds were barely recognisable at this stage. The feelings became more and more intense, so much that I started to lose complete grip on reality. Even though well-educated with the use of psychedelics, this was scary. I started to question whether I had completely lost my sanity. As I kept momentarily touching back with reality, I hung onto it this time, my ego was screaming to remain intact. Fear of insanity started to grow and I was overcome with paranoia. I was becoming more uncomfortable. I noticed the acute stench of my sweat and had to get out of the room.

I started walking around the house, trying to understand where I was, what I was doing. This paranoia grew fast and caught me up in a negative spiral. I was very worried I had completely lost my sanity and permanently damaged my brain in which I would never come down. I tried to alleviate this discomfort through thinking logically and grounding myself. No luck. As I paced anxiously around the house, I saw a huge wasp bumping against the kitchen window and noticed spiders crawling around in the bricks outside my house. This instinctual urge to survive grew in me as this feeling of uneasiness grew heavier and heavier. My teeth hurt, my bones were aching. I looked in the bathroom mirror and pulling my hair in stress. So many thoughts rushing through my mind. There was nothing good about this sensation anymore. It felt like my internal organs were twisting around. Everything was bad and all I could do was focus on the negativity. As sorrow, agony, remorse and what seemed like hundreds of negative emotions chipping at me. I looked at the time again. 9:02. Fucking 9:02. It had been a minute.

Suddenly hopes of waiting this thing out turned to dread. I turned the music off and tried to meditate but could not reconnect with that bliss, I was too distracted. My visuals became more ‘vulgar’, I started to panic. I entered a state of extreme terror. I thought I would need to spend eternity in this place, never being able to leave this situation. I was completely disassociated with time, which the concept of time started to feel foreign. At that moment a profound understanding of duality consumed me. I had experienced something so close to bliss, the most amazing experience which words can’t do it justice, now for reasons unknown, I need to experience the opposite. Complete and absolute Misery.

I came to some conclusion of two separate energies spiralling around, I didn’t completely understand this, but what seemed like negative energies and positive energies in opposition and which needed to be in balance. I became more and more distressed, starting to experience extreme panic, remorse and over all complete unhappiness. This was a psychological torture. I wondered whether this was literally hell. I am not a religious person, but I was praying. This fear was so intense and exacerbated; I didn’t even know how to comprehend it. I had entered hell, Blatant and pure misery.

Not knowing to what extent reality existed, I kept walking around the house distressed. Tempting to call a friend or an ambulance to calm me down. Thinking that these are merely figments of my imagination, I did not pursue these options. I pushed this idea into the back of my mind as a last resort. If I took that route, and continued to avoid this misery, I felt like I would eventually touch back down to reality in a strait jacket, loaded with anti-psychotic meds. I looked back to the time after what has felt like eternity of ‘holding out’. It had only been a couple minutes. It felt like hours. As I looked at the time, hope completely left me. I felt empty, engulfed in complete fear. The fear grew beyond control, I was in physical pain, my heart felt like it was about to burst out of my chest and there was a strong pressure in my eye balls.

Thoughts kept invading my mind of ending my mystery myself. Death seemed like an ideal option to what I was experiencing, however what was left of my rational mind disregarded those ideas straight away. I couldn’t take any more. This sorrow and sadness washed over me. The sadness I’m going to bring to the lives around me, devastating my parents, friends and loved ones. End game. I broke down into tears and collapsed onto the living room floor as what felt like every negative emotion washed over me. After I vented what seemed like years of negativity out of me, I lay still on the floor and thought, I am experiencing death. It was fucking terrifying, but I had no option but to surrender to death. I couldn’t hold onto reality anymore. I lay completely still and let it take me.
This is where the real trip began. As I lay on the floor and let go, I was instantly lost into the infinite. All I felt was my consciousness dissipating into this huge spiralling network of energy in the cosmos. Imagine everything that made me, me, was a handful of sand. This handful of sand was an assemblage of memories, thoughts, personality etc. Now this sand felt like it was thrown into a vastly enormous tornado. My consciousness was dispersed into this huge inter-dimensional network to never be reclaimed. There was no longer a ‘me’. No thought, no emotion. Nothing. I ceased to exist.

From the blackness of the cosmos, No vision, no senses, no thought what so ever. From complete and utter nothingness, eventually I felt movement, and hunger. Wriggling around without thought, in order to satisfy this urge to continue going. This existence was a paradox. No real concept of life or death. In retrospect, it seems like I had taken the form of a worm or maggot. It felt like a long time. This existence is just pure hunger. The only goal in my existence was to stave off death. In this terrible uncomfortable state it feels like I’m neither living nor dead. No understanding of anything, just pure survival. As this state progressed, the visuals started to come back. All I could see was meat ripping off bones, pecking, biting, scratching. Hunters, prey. Blood, death, decay. The snapping of bones, tearing of cartilage, ants digging into flesh. Get the picture? Disturbing images preoccupied me. This provided an instantaneous and vivid understanding of the food chain and the concept of survival. My existence now was pure knowledge of survival, nothing else. This state of observation I was, slowly started to zoom out. This time it felt like I looking at a savannah. Starting to feel a little less terrible, I saw “scurge” (the word/concept which made perfect sense). A profound understanding of the constant struggle of life. As this was happening, I was processing knowledge and information at a million miles an hour, everything made perfect sense. My existence at this point was pure observation and a vastly increasing base of knowledge.

This is nature’s design. Energy passes through all life forms which originates from the sun. I was in a land of survival, in which all animals, or life forms for that matter inherit. This manifested as this huge hound like creature. Looking like it weighed a ton, aggressive devilish look with razor sharp teeth. It was terrifying; however there was no sense of fear. I saw a correlation between the further away from operating off basic survival instincts, the higher level of consciousness the creature has. I saw a correlation between spirituality and evolution.

I started to elevate above the scourge aspect of misery as I started to feel a vague sense of comfort. Imagery of birth and new consciousness emerging bombarded me. Animals giving birth, humans giving birth. Babies crying, growing old and dying. Repeating the process. Life and death are one endless circle. Reproduction. Sex. Then I saw the unity of the male and female counterpart. Both representing completely different energies, a strong distinction of masculine and feminine energies, and a beautiful unity between them.

As I continued to zoom out, I was back in this space with this huge (let’s say infinite) spiral like network of energy which seemed to be ascending through the infinite. So big I can’t even comprehend it. Energies in this infinite drill like interdimensional spiral circling around and going up. I noticed there were a lot of storm like areas in this spiral, mass churning of this bluish purplish energy I was seeing. I experienced religion. I saw imagery of Al queda, Isis.. I heard chanting, saw images of guns, paranoia, death and fear. Misguided religions involving the harm of others. I understood. These people are not ‘evil’, just misguided. They were running from a baseline of fear, unacceptance, and absence. Their convoluted beliefs operate from hunger and absence which they are trying to fill through greed and violence. There was no contentment here, no love, no real happiness. Perhaps they do what they do not because they didn’t want to experience this place of pure love and giving, but because they were oblivious to it? No one is evil, only misguided people which have not had the luxury to experience the inner peace and love which can only be acquired through generosity. Terrorist organisations and their beliefs are still part of the bigger system though, just have a different perspective on it. The lower down in this huge system the more misery became apparent and zen unreachable. This also seemed to form a pattern with how evolved the consciousness was. As I kept elevating up this spiral, I felt increasingly more content.

My spirit was lifting up. I next saw Humans on earth. Masculine and Feminine energies. This balance of energies. We don’t live in neither utopia or dystopia. It is a balance, this is human existence. Masculine energies and feminie energies come together to reproduce. There was much more introspective thought on human and life form existence on earth, however is difficult to recall as I am writing this a week after the experience. I understood. What makes a boy a boy, and what makes a man a man. I started to feel this energy ascending through my body again. I was going into a place of happiness and reconnecting with that feeling of unconditional love and inner peace. As I kept ascending through the cosmos, I saw ‘salvation’ and saw the religion of Christians, Catholics etc. All these mere specs of sand, trillions upon trillions of ‘energies’ lifting up in the tornado like spiral. Ascending from misery to nirvana. I saw through the eyes of a Christian and a catholic, both similar view points but getting at the same part of the spiral.

I understood We are all children of god, and I allowed this voice, this ‘messiah’ take me up. I see that all religion is getting at this same cosmic consciousness; religions just have different perspectives on it. The sensation intensified as I felt this rising heat start up again. I started to feel great again. This connectivity to all living things. It felt like eternity climbing the wrungs of this system, experiencing all religion. I was starting to experience bliss again and kept lifting up, above heaven, I was going higher. My body opened up again completely and all I felt was nothingness and everything at the same time. It was beautiful. A thought occurred, if humanity is down there, what is higher up in this spiral? Aliens, angels, other beings? Perhaps alien civilisations so far advanced, they don’t exist in the reality we perceive. They exist within this other dimension which could be why we have never had proof of alien contact.

I kept going up and saw these what appeared to be never ending particles of energy creating this form of what seemed to be a small section of a beard. The only explanation at this point I could understand was god. I saw/felt this large purple eye open, rapidly zooming in and out as it did (I can’t exactly remember when this happened in the sequence of events, but believe it was during a positive part of the experience). This moment I was completely inseparable from everything. I was everyone, and everything. I was god, we are all god. There was no separation, just pure bliss. Everything and everyone in existence, is one. I can’t possibly describe this sensation. words do not do its justice. All I can say was the best possible feeling ever. Literally perfection. Pure happiness.
I stayed in this state for what felt like a very long time, but I enjoyed every second of it in this timeless 5 dimensional space. Suddenly from the blackness, I noticed the noises of birds chirping outside, the fridge humming, and all the other little sounds our subconscious usually ignores. I opened my eyes, and realized I was back down on Earth. Crystal clear. I have made it. I was euphoric as I was finally grounded again. Reality fixed itself back up together but this insight stayed. I spent probably an hour thinking without moving a muscle in this state of euphoria. Afterwards, I decided to hit a couple more cones which allowed me to vaguely reconnect with this realm of joy. I spent the next few hours in a complete state of euphoria, and connection, dancing to music and just celebrating life, celebrating the now.

I learnt from this experience, firstly, that LSD is NOT a toy. It is a tool capable of unlocking the shackles of reality. It is a gateway, and one does not want to venture through that door unless they are physically, mentally, and spiritually prepared. This is no joke, be careful when taking high doses like this. It felt like I was being guided by something. All my life I have been an atheist, but I can only describe it as a benevolent god. This experience has impacted my life majorly. This is now over 6 months since the experience and I am more Buddhist then Athiest. I have no fear of death anymore. I cannot kill any minuscule insect or bug due to this fundamental understanding in my mind of what they are going through. I have dedicated dozens of hours of research into spirituality and psychedelics since and it just resonates for me. The message I received is that there is so much more out there beyond human comprehension, that lifetimes of research will never give even a small idea of the larger system. We are here as human’s to experience the human existence, good and bad I understand not everyone will have the same opinions or beliefs, but I now do believe there is a higher power, and there are some seriously powerful energies out there.

For those who are planning on embarking on a similar journey like with through the use of psychedelics, I urge you to be careful, use discretion, and respect the drug. In hindsight, this turned out the best possible way for me and I believe I learnt a huge deal of information, but I also consider myself somewhat lucky. If you are completely intent on achieving ego death, get into a comfortable and restful place such as your bed, don’t be afraid and open up to the energy of giving, and you will receive. Remember, the ego is a prick, and it doesn’t die easy (at least in my case). You will have a basal instinct to survive, but you must not listen to this. Let go completely, and embrace the ultimate reality. We are all one. We are love. Peace be with you all.