Recognition of an error, dented integrity

slippy
I made an error when I typed the comment about a boy coming to America.
slippy
That was not right speech.
milkness
lol would you guys fuck off
slippy
I made that error because I had a desire to interact with Sabeena, having seen her in the channel, and I was afraid to directly engage her, given the past bad communication we've had.
slippy
I was afraid that if I was direct in my desire to engage her, and she rejected that offering, it would cause me suffering, so I made an oblique offer to interact.
14:38 slippy
In so doing, I amplified a somewhat dumb view of violence in America, though that was joking and I was mocking it and people reacting to a possibly misinformed view on American culture in that regard.
slippy
But that's not what bothered me the most.
slippy
What bothers me the most is that I dented my integrity.
slippy
For me, oblique offers for interaction are weak. Weak people do them.
slippy
I don't want to be weak. I want to be firmly rooted in reality, and not any delusion of it to mitigate some emotion or fear I am experiencing.
slippy
My life experience has taught me that is a much better way, long term, to reach and maintain emotional stability than pretending we're not that interested in the things we're interested in so we can demonstrate to others around us we didn't care too much when we didn't get what we wanted to get.
lockie has changed mode: -t
slippy
Self-respect, and wisely employing our life lessons is much more important to our personal happiness than any possibility of an interaction with somebody we're interested in talking to, and within a few seconds I realized I fucked that up with my silly joke.
slippy
My sharing this here, in this relatively unhealthy community, is a reminder to myself that I am responsible for how I feel, and that I am not vulnerable to others except when I make myself vulnerable to others.
slippy
If any others in this channel find values in these expressions, that would be nice.