2023 Reflection

"If 2022 was the year of rediscovery, the year where I remembered who I am and what I want, then 2023 is the year I regain control. This is the year where I put myself first."

This was an excerpt from my 2022 reflection that I wrote last year. Did it end up being true though? Was 2023 the year that I regained control of my life, where I put myself first?

For all intents and purposes, yes it was.

2023 started off with one of the most important decisions I've ever made in my life; choosing to quit my day job in order to pursue streaming and content creation fulltime. This was a decision I had actually made months before I went through with it; without going into details, I had one particularly bad day at work in November 2022, after months of already dealing with other bullshit from my program manager, and at that point it pushed me over the edge. I called my "aunt" that morning, practically sobbing, telling her that I couldn't do this anymore; I couldn't waste the rest of my life working 9-5 jobs that I couldn't stand, in a field that I had absolutely zero passion for, even if I was being paid more money than I ever really knew what to do with and was as financially stable as anyone could ask. I simply couldn't do it anymore, and I wanted out.

From that point on, she and I talked out a plan on how to make the content creation thing work. I told her where my numbers and finances were, where I could make more, and how much I had saved so we could figure out how much of a buffer I had to work with. After about two months, I was about as prepared as I felt I could be, and after getting some reassuring words from both my "aunt" and my sister, I took the plunge.

Has it worked out?

Financially, we're not quite there yet. I've still been operating at a loss every month, and while I did make sure I had a LOT of money saved to work with, I've admittedly burned through it quicker than anticipated. Part of that is being more spendy than necessary, part of that is a fair number of very unexpected expenses. Ad revenue from YouTube has started to steadily become stronger thanks to my scripted videos performing extremely well, so I'm still on the upswing compared to where I was at the start of the year.

I have contemplated the idea of picking up some part time work in order to more easily make ends meet. Even something small like DoorDash, that I could do on my own time at my own pace, I think would be a solid idea for some extra money to work with. But I absolutely do not want to go back to the field I was in before, because to say that I hated it would be an understatement. I've tried to make this clear to my mom whenever we have the discussion about my going fulltime with content creation, and how I hated my job; once she told me, "Oh, well, everyone has days where they don't like their job. I have those days. Your brother-in-law has those days." And my rebuttal to her was, "But is that every day for you? Because that was every day for me." Every single day for the last seven years where I had to go in to work at some office cubicle was filled with nothing but dread and anxiety. It felt like my life had stood still for almost a decade, like I had made no progress since I got my Bachelor's degree. I felt stable, but I felt stuck, like I had wasted my twenties and was on track to waste my thirties, forties, and beyond.

Which brings me to my next question. It might still be a bit rocky financially, but what about emotionally? Has it worked out on that front?

Yes. Absolutely. 100%. This year is the happiest I've been since 2015. Maybe even earlier, I honestly can't remember anymore. No longer do I wake up every morning loathing what the day has in store. I've had so much more time to myself, being able to do what I want. I've traveled outside of the country for the first time since I was 9 years old. And I did it TWICE, to meet some of the online friends that I'd known for years but never had the opportunity to see in person. I've made new friends that now hold a very special place in my heart, and I've reconnected with many of my older friends from college.

Most importantly though, after years and years and YEARS of saying how I wanted to do it, but never having the time or energy to do so, I finally started making scripted YouTube videos. It took a little bit to figure out my footing and knowing just what type of videos I wanted to make, but to say I've been successful in the short time I've been making videos would be massively underselling myself; of the five scripted videos I've made, the WORST performing one still achieved over 20k views. The support and high praise I've received for my videos means the world to me, and it motivates me to keep pushing forward with this decision I made, because I know I would have never had the ability to make the videos to that degree of quality if I was still spending 40 hours of my week doing menial office work.

I think that's what really keeps me motivated and feeling like this is worth it; when I made the leap into fulltime, I knew that the chance it worked out wasn't anywhere close to 100%. But if I hadn't taken that leap and was still sitting in that cubicle, I know now that the chance it worked out would have been 0%.

Going fulltime with content creation was one of the riskiest decisions I've ever made in my life. But I also fully believe it was one of the best decisions too. I don't regret it for a second and I am more determined than ever to make it work. I know this is what I want out of my life, and I will fight for it, as I always have.

---

The other aspect of my life that has really evolved in 2023 is my relationship with speedrunning. I'm going to particularly focus on Crash Twinsanity, because that was by far the most significant game of the year for me. By March of this year, I had managed to bring my 100% PB down to 1:12:23, landing myself at 2nd place on the leaderboard, behind only Joester. This was much further than I ever thought I would get in Twinsanity, and the reality that I could maybe push for record with enough time was becoming apparent. I felt like I was hitting a brick wall with improvement though, so I contemplated starting to go for the Early Credits Route (or Sloths' Route). This route was known to save time, but it was significantly more unforgiving than Twins Hundo already was, so no one really dared try it. However, the beginning of the year saw the discovery of the Cursed Splash, which took 2.5 minutes off of Any% and also made the run significantly easier by removing the most volatile trick in the run: Dimension Skip. The Early Credits route also used Dimension Skip, so 100% in theory also benefitted from the Cursed Splash in the same way Any% did.

Shortly before ESA Summer, I mentioned to Gpro that I was considering trying the Early Credits Route (which eventually became colloquially known as the Cursed Route), and he decided to try it himself too. And after timing it out compared to the standard route, he concluded that the amount of time it saved was in the realm of 3 to 3.5 minutes. After I returned from ESA Summer, I joined Gpro in doing runs on this route, and it was very obvious that he was MUCH better than me (and considering his efforts this year, including a current WR sweep, it's safe to say he's the best active Twins runner without question). I threw all of my energy into trying to get the record first, because I knew that even if I did I wouldn't hold it for long; I just wanted to say that I had it at one point.

I failed. The only run I was able to even finish (the Cursed Route is so punishing that more often than not a single mistake renders actually being able to complete the game impossible) was a measly one second faster than my PB on the old route. Gpro, meanwhile, absolutely shattered the record, taking Joe's 1:09:50 and bringing it to a 1:09:18, then a 1:07:31, then a 1:06:56. Currently, he's sitting on a 1:04:27. These are times that I never even dreamed of achieving. Once again, much like Crash NST and Crash 4 before, I just couldn't keep up with people who were so much better than me.

Something in me changed after that grind. It's not that I was physically incapable of getting record; I firmly believe that just about anyone can if they have the time and mental fortitude to put in the work. I just didn't want to, because I have never EVER had fun grinding at that level.

And that's when I realized... I'm just not interested in speedrunning at a high level anymore. I've always come up short when I've tried, and I have so much more fun speedrunning games simply because I want to enjoy playing them. That's how I've felt with all the games I've learned this year; Kingdom Hearts 1, A Hat in Time, and currently Mario Kart 8 Deluxe. I don't have a desire to be a top or even high level runner in any of these games, and that's fine.

There's a part in Schaffrillas' Pixar Movie Ranking video that I keep coming back to; during the Monsters University segment, he mentions how the movie's message that it's okay to fail and find new meaning in your passions resonated hard with him because he always wanted to participate in musicals but never had the singing ability to do so, so he found new purpose in writing and directing. And I think that's where I am at with speedrunning right now, and even gaming as a whole. First, I wanted to be a top Yu-Gi-Oh! player, but the game evolved to a point where I couldn't bring myself to keep up. I wanted to be a top Smash player, but I was never quite good enough at the mental aspect to be anything more than average. And finally, I wanted to be a top speedrunner, but could never keep up with runners who were much better at the game than I was, in much less time.

And that's OKAY. Because I've found new purpose in all of these passions. For Yu-Gi-Oh!, I've found a love for older formats like Goat and Edison, that allow me to play the game at the pace that I always found to be the most fun. And when I do dabble in the modern game, I'm perfectly content just messing around with whatever brew I've thought of in the moment, instead of trying to be ahead of the curve. For Smash, I've realized that no game in the series really hits for me the same way Brawl does, and I have so much fun simply participating in that whenever the odd tournament rolls around. And if I ever choose to return to Melee or Ultimate, I'll be perfectly content knowing that I'm simply okay at best. And for speedrunning, I've realized that my passion doesn't lie in being a top runner; it's in being an entertainer, whether that's through providing a chill stream to hang out to, or through YouTube videos where I tell stories about speedruns that people might not know about.

A big part of this year for me was coming to terms with the fact that my peak as a competitor in speedrunning was back in 2017-2020. And that I don't have to fight to maintain that if I don't want to. I'm happy where I am, willing to try more games than the ones that I think will bring me "success", because I know I can find success and satisfaction outside of a number on a leaderboard.

Which brings me to Crash. I really don't know what else to do with that series when it comes to speedruns. There's still plenty of stories to tell, so my YouTube channel will still have a pretty big Crash focus for the time being. But as far as my own speedruns, I feel like I've run that well dry. There are still a few things I kind of want to do, so I wouldn't expect to see zero Crash from me moving forward. But I also know that the most fun I've had speedrunning this year was when I branched out. Some of these were more financially feasible than others; Mario Kart 8 has been doing very solidly for me, which is part of why I've stuck to it as long as I have, but games like A Hat in Time and (to a lesser extent) Kingdom Hearts weren't nearly as successful. I'll have to play my cards right, but there's a LOT of non-Crash games that I feel more comfortable picking up and trying out, so we'll see what the new year brings on that front.

---

2022 was the year of rediscovery.
2023 was the year of change.
2024 will be year of perseverance. The year of continuing on the path I've finally forged for myself, and seeing where it takes me.

Thank you all for everything. There's still so much to do. <3