Speedrunning Mindset

I struggle with keeping it together over the smallest mistakes and honestly I'm starting to hate myself for it. This has been going on for as long as I can remember and it makes me an unlikable person because of it. I can't let anything go when all I want to do is improve at whatever game I choose to run. I always make the excuse that I need to be hard on myself to get better, but I'm just borderline insulting myself for no reason.

I don't know if I'm mentally ill, bipolar or whatever the fuck. I can't seem to be consistently happy with what I do for more than a few days at a time and I honestly don't know what to do with myself. I'm self-destructive and nobody wants to be around somebody like that.

If I keep this mentality I'm never going to be happy with anything. I envy people who feel nothing from fucking up horribly and just move on. I haven't learned how to, and I need to learn it now.

I'm not asking you for sympathy, this is my own problem and I still have yet to solve it. I don't know why I just can't let things go. Speedrunning should feel like a hobby. You shouldn't feel obligated to be good all the time or everyone hates you. If you make a mistake, you move on and that's the end of it. Don't drone on about it for the next hour. It just establishes you as being weak and that's how I feel as of this moment. Everyone has bad days, but I amplify them times ten with how fucked in the head I actually am.

If I could just drop the attitude entirely I would be one of the happiest people alive. I have a lot going for me and I don't want to throw it away. I'm going to come back with a fresh mindset tomorrow and keep it that way. No more bitching like a little girl. Just being mindful that mistakes happen and that's the end of it. Why it has taken me this long to grasp the concept is beyond me.

It isn't hard. I'll prove that the next time I see you.