Harley Quinn and Doctor J

(WARNING! This script contains spoilers for the Batman: Arkham series of games. Major plot twists for Arkham City and Arkham Knight are referenced.)

(No need to say this in the actual audio though. Tagging it should work fine.)

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Wakey wakey Doc.

(laugh) Yep. It's me. Nurse Harley, at your service.

(scoff) Well, nice to see you too. Just because you're tied down in a strange place, it doesn't make it OK to be rude to people.

"What do I want?" Well.. that's kinda complicated. Things have been pretty crazy lately. That's whyyy..  (Really excited and proud) I made you a slideshow!

(clear throat) First we have me and Mister J meeting you in Arkham. Now me and Mr J are escaping Arkham. Now you and I are having our little romantic rendezvous. Yeah, I think I made a few too many slides for this part.

"Rape?" Ha! I think the tape we made says otherwise. The things you let me do to you.. Mmmm..

Anyway, back to the story. You moved out from Gotham, which I forgive you for by the way. Do know how damaging it is to a girl's self esteem when the guy she just slept with skips town because of it?

Then me and Mr J took over Arkham. Joker tried to kill Batman like always, but ended up getting Titan poisoning instead. Then that Arkham City stuff happened. I got attacked by a goddamn ninja. Batman could have cured Mister J.. but he didn't.. And Mister J.. Well I'm sure you heard about that on the news. Then things were pretty quiet until Scarecrow and that stupid Arkham Knight showed up.

But that's when I found the other Jokers. You see, we sent packs of his infected blood to hospitals around Gotham. We wanted to motivate Batman into find a cure, but it turns out it had a side effect. It started turning them into Joker. It was incredible! The four of them were transforming into my lovely Puddin.

(sigh) They were so strong, and funny. Charming and clever. Not all at once, but between them all, they had Joker's.. essence. Then Batman let them all get killed. (sniff)

Which brings me to you. You see, the cops were really careful with Mr J's body. They cremated him as soon as they could. But with my four replacement Jokers they got sloppy. Maybe they were busy cleaning up after the mess Scarecrow made. Maybe they wanted to study how it happened. I dunno.

Point is, I was able to get a hold of blood from all of them. So there I was, looking through hospital records for someone with the right blood type to become Joker Three Point Oh, and guess what I find?

DING, DING, DING! Let me just go grab a mirror.

Presenting the new and improved DOCTOR J!

Well, I say improved. It's not like it's hard being an improvement compared to corpses.

Oh relax, it's just makeup. It will be at least a year before you look like this naturally. And the best news, it doesn't look like you're suffering from any of the symptoms that killed the original Mister J. isn't that great?! I guess third time's the charm, huh?

I know, I know. A year is a long time. What on Earth can we do to keep ourselves occupied? (little laugh) (whisper) You remember this game, right?

Oh, come on Doc. It's just you, me, an out of town hideout and enough supplies to last us 17 and a half months.

I know what will change your tune. Ta da! You remember this, don't you? Our "special medicine."

Now, I know what you're thinking:  "A REPEAT PERFORMANCE!? HARLEY! WE DON'T TELL THE SAME JOKE TWICE!" (slap's self) Ow! Sorry Puddin.

Which is why this time I'm "UNLESS IT'S FUNNY!" (slap harder)  OW!

(dazed) What was I saying? Oh, right. You see, this time, I'm going to shake things up a little. Ta da! Again! Now it comes in two flavors. This one is medicine classic. It leaves you horny, but kinda mellow and just sorta up for anything. THIS one. (little laugh) Lets just say it makes you a little more frisky.

(gives drug) There we go. I'll just save this one for later.

Now then, let's see if it's working yet. I'll just unzip this and..

(pause then licks lips) Sorry, I kinda zoned out there a little. I was just looking at your.. Woo, is it warm in here?

Aww. Look at you, still trying to fight it. I think I've got the solution for that though. Let me just get this top off and..

SO, DASTARDLY VILLAIN! LET'S SEE HOW LONG YOU KEEP UP YOUR EVIL WAYS WHEN YOUR FACE BURIED BETWEEN MY BOOBS OF JUSTICE!

(laugh) What do you think? I could be Gotham's replacement superhero, right? But seriously, I'm putting my boobs in your face.

(laugh) Are you struggling, or just trying to rub your face all over them? I don't really mind which. You want to suck on them, don't you? Ah! That's better. Don't hold back. Do whatever you want..

...

Boy, you sure look desperate. You want me to touch your big, throbbing cock? Yeah? You need it? Let me just grab some lube first. Remember those supplies I mentioned? Yeah, we could fuck nonstop for half a year and not run out.

Mmm.. There you go. Now your dick is nice.. and.. slippery. Perfect for titfucking these awesome breasts of mine that you love oh so very much.

This is fun. Your big, hard dick squeezed between my big, soft tits. It's a match made in heaven.

It feels good, don't it? You wanna cum all over me. Over my face, and my tits, and in my mouth. You gonna cum? You gonna cum? Nope! (Laugh) Oooh, listen to you growl. No, no, all in good time. First, it's time for me to take MY medicine. Mmm. And while I'm waiting for that to kick in, let's give you a little show. (touch self)

I've missed you Doc, you know that? I always knew you were special.  The only man to make me forget Mr J, even if it was only for an evening, and now.. Mmmm.. It must be destiny. It'll be like having a threesome every night.

Oh, wow. This stuff really works. (laugh) I'm suuuper horny, and you look like you're ready to bust out of those restraints. I'll let you out and you can have your wicked way with me, but first you just have to do one little, tiny, itty bitty thing for me first.

Tell me your name.

(smack (cheerfully) Tell me your name.

No silly. (smack) Let me give you a hint. It starts with a "The."

Good. Now say "My name is The Joker and I'm going to fuck you silly!"

Oooohohoho. I felt a chill. Now let me just loosen the one on your arm and you can take the rest off yourself. Almost done and.. Woah! Look at you go! You really want to fuck me, huh? I'll just pull up my little skirt, bend over here, and wait for you. Come on puddin. Come on. I want it. I need it. I need it! I need it! I need it! I.. AH! AH! YES! YES! FUCK!

You're so rough. You're so rough. I LOVE IT! More!

Grab me by my pigtails and pound me..

Spank me! Spank me! Smack me around. I've been a naughty girl, teasing you. Oh, but you were naughty too. Running from me like that. We're a pair of naughty, dirty, filthy.. AHHhh..

I'm cumming. Puddin! Puddin! PUDDIN! )Orgasm)


What is it Puddin? Still want more? Good, because I'm far from.. Wait, what are you..? Puddin, that's my ass. That's my (insert) ASS! Ah. It's so tight. Go slow. Go slow. Go.. Ah! (between thrusts) Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ah. GOD! DAMN! IT! I-VY!

It hurts, but its so good. You hurt me so good. You always hurt me so good.

I'm cumming! I'm cumming again from your huge dick fucking my ass. Cum in me, Puddin! Cum in me!

(Panting) Wow.. The original Mister J was never into that. I think I like it. Thank God I lubed you up before we started though.

Aww.. Poor baby's all tuckered out. It's OK. Mama Harley will put you to bed.

There we go. Now the straps.. and done..

Mmmm.. that was gooood. I better pace myself though. I can't use this stuff all the time, now Red's no longer around to make me more.

Eh, screw it, she'll probably just grow herself a new body or something.

Aww. you look so cute when you're sleeping. Oops, you're makeup's a little smudged. Let me just.. there we go.

Perfect. (Yawn) Time for a nap. You don't mind if I lay with you, right? Didn't think so.

(crying a little) I missed you Puddin. Soon you'll be back, better than ever. Batman.. Bruce Wayne is dead, and I'll have you all to myself. (kiss) We'll burn his precious Gotham to the ground for what he did to you.

(quiet recording of Joker laughing in the protagonist's mind while he sleeps)