Nintendo Switch Presentation rant script

I can't say I'm surprised by the Nintendo Switch presentation being disappointing enough. With Nintendo's track record of late, they haven't shown interest in anything but money, and they do it by retro pandering as people have said. What warrants the video, however, I am going to get to.

I will say that the Switch is, of course, an interesting concept, and luckily, the portable screen is smaller than the Wii-U's Gamepad, though the button size is concerning. However, the controls are an innate concern, because the NES controller mode uses analog sticks, which has been a thing in Super Bomberman, though it's not like I couldn't adjust. Thankfully, despite Super Bomberman's underwhelming amount of added depth, that game was still a blast, no pun intended, though it seems there is display delay because I swear whenever I got hit, the rumble came a significant portion of a second before I actually saw it.

Breath of the Wild was poorly presented, because there was no significant combat involved. In the time I got to play it, I got to fight only pathetic mooks. No puzzles either, just cutscenes in general. That's a very bad way to advertise a key game of yours. Nothing else really impressed or interested me, and this includes Splatoon 2, where I actually ended up up against a professional around 7:20 PM, and even with my lack of experience in the game combined with one of my teammates being a kid, the defeat margin against my team was only 1%. Ultimately, though, I don't feel Splatoon has that much depth despite the territory concept, and I can be sure that, surprise surprise, the power balance is off anyway.

This is, however, more than what I can say about ARMS. ARMS has completely counterintuitive controls. You think Kid Icarus Uprising has bad controls? I've dealt with Kid Icarus Uprising's bad controls on a consistent enough basis. Kid Icarus Uprising is complaintworthy for rewarding shallow gameplay is its problem. At least in Kid Icarus Uprising you could just use the analog stick to move. ARMS has you need to tilt the freaking Switch controllers or whatever to move. WHY?!?!? I should not need more than the D-Pad or analog stick or whatever to play the God forsaken game. And in case you couldn't guess, that's the nice part about the controls. Attacking is a an even worse mess where you have to do these various random for their own sake things to do whatever you want. I should not need button and movement combinations just to be able to play the bloody game.

Oh, and it gets better. The tutorial SUCKS. It does not teach you how to do things well, probably because the controls suck to begin with, but what really becomes stupid about it is that the opponent in the tutorial gets to attack YOU, so they can KEEP YOU FROM LEARNING THE DAMN GAME. Splatoon doesn't have this problem, because it pits you in a negative space field to make sure you understand the controls, and you need only one button to attack anyway. There is simply no excuse for ARMS to pull this stupidity.

And just in case you think there's any depth in the gameplay to justify the control scheme, there isn't. It's just yet another button mash where the combat as a whole absolutely make no sense. Kid Icarus Uprising is deep compared to this. And that's aggravated by how power attacks have nothing useful to them except zomgmoardmglol, which naturally do not justify their drawbacks.

Think that's the end? Ahahahahahaha, how I myself wish it wasn't, but that's because this video wouldn't exist if not for what I'm about to bring up soon enough, because Nintendo thinks to have this piece of counterintuitive, shallow poop they call ARMS as its main highlight. Oh but wait, they couldn't go with Mario Kart because it's random. They couldn't go with Super Bomberman because it's a free-for-all game. They couldn't go with Splatoon because it needed too many people. Well, then Nintendo, COME UP WITH SOMETHING MORE CREATIVE, ESPECIALLY IF YOU ARE GOING TO PRIDE YOURSELF ON CREATIVITY! THIS IS HUBRIS AT ITS FINEST!

As a disclaimer, this annoys me on its own. I provide that disclaimer because I do need to mention that I came to the event hoping to be able to talk about Nintendo's employees about game design stuff and hope I could get a suitable positive reaction from them. I'll link to the pastebin showing what I was planning to show in the description. What happened, unfortunately, was that no such opportunity even presented itself, because anybody I tried to talk to about the stuff, including the employees, showed quarter-hearted interest at best. This is why I am posting the video: because my trip reminded me of how people are such God awful disappointments. I should mention that one of the Nintendo Brand Ambassadors was a female who, being in charge of the Super Bomberman station I was at, says she was impressed at how I did in Super Bomberman, but when I tried to show her my game design papers, she wasn't willing to use her cell phone to snapshot the papers to show other people. But oh, she uses it to record Nintendo's obviously loud event on video, which inevitably uses up more data space.

That's a good portion of my problem: people are only interested in loud stuff from rich people. Nintendo exploits this, of course, but there's something they can even exploit in the first place. I have also noticed the general visitors--not all of them, of course, but plenty--had asian tanning. Obviously, racial stuff isn't going to be so all-encompassing, but there was plenty of arrogance going around with them. For that reason, I swear to God you could stereotype gamers as smug asians who think they're all that. They already get the adjective part down so often. And that becomes even worse in hindsight because we could have our big bad explanation to why gaming has too much hostility boil down to race and the negative parts of another country's culture.

Race or not, though, this audience I talked about was still insistent enough on being hive-minded sadists. Where I'm ultimately going with this is that people claims that games are about not their rules, but encouraging people to be friendly to each other and everything. Yeah, I'm totally seeing it. That's why I'm making this video. ...wait a minute.