Prefect's Empty Room Feedback

[He looked at the empty side of the room, blue eyes desperately searching for something familiar to focus on, but everything was taken: Chris’ side was completely clear of belongings.]

-  I think this sentence would be better if it ended with "but everything was taken." Saying "everything was taken" combined with the next sentence is kind of redundant. The next sentence could start with "Chris' posters were gone" and/or the sentence before could start with "He looked at Chris' side of the room." Or something like that???


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[His posters were gone, the few small photos of his family and dog had also disappeared from the wall, and his bed, now empty without a mattress, looked like a skeleton of what it used to be.]

-  Since it's in the middle of the sentence instead of the end, having "had also disappeared" there disrupts the flow a little since it makes your mind think that's going to be the end of the sentence. It's not really that big of a deal though and I think it also makes sense being kept BUT i gotta be nitpicky so i can pad out this feedback ok... also I think instead of commas around "now empty without a mattress" could probably be replaced with dashes? Maybe?? see disclaimer about punctuation

-  anyway combining those two i'd advise something along the lines of:

[He looked at the empty side of the room, blue eyes desperately searching for something familiar to focus on, but everything had been taken. Chris' posters were gone, the few small photos of his family and dog had disappeared from the wall, and his bed -- now empty without a mattress -- looked like a skeleton of what it used to be.]


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[Everything was empty and void of life on that side of the room, and Claude felt very much the same when looking at it with tired eyes. ]

-  dang... dang... what a good line... HOWEVER I feel like the line would have more impact if it was cut off a bit! I think [Everything was empty and void of life on that side of the room, and Claude felt very much the same when looking at it.] would have a little more punch without really losing any feeling.


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[However, in the end, it seemed that didn’t matter: Claude was also just as sad, scared and worried.]

-  The "also" here is redundant, I'd say! The sentence flows better and makes more sense without it.


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[During the lessons and socializing he could push his roommate out of his mind, but the very moment he was alone in his room the anxiety would return.]

-  I think "During his lessons" or "During class" as well as "and while socializing" would make more sense! also same bro @ anxiety


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[if he didn’t take hours to fall asleep, he would then toss and turn throughout the night and eventually wake up before five, feeling like he hadn’t slept at all. ]

-  relatable boy


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[Essentially, he felt a constant need to be on the move and do something, as if possessed, yet at the same time he wanted to do nothing but to lie down and sleep to forget everything that had happened a few days before. The situation was frustrating and scary to say the least, and tears tried to force their way into his eyes, but Claude wiped them away. ]

-  The "Essentially" feels a little disconnected from the prior paragraph; it makes sense together but when I was reading it caught me off guard and I had to check back to see the context. It might flow better if those two paragraphs were combined, since the mental distance between Claude being able to push the thoughts away while active and the discussion of his need to be on the move would be mentally close together. TL;DR here's my advice to kinda clean things up:

[As though possessed, he felt a constant need to be on the move and do something, yet at the same time he wanted to do nothing but lie down and sleep to forget everything that had happened a few days before. The situation was frustrating and scary, to say the least. Tears tried to force their way into his eyes, but Claude wiped them away.]

-  This could also begin with "As such," and keep the original placement of "as thought possessed," or really any number of variations!


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[It was almost like the ground had swallowed Chris; so hard it was to find as much as a single clue of him.]

-  I dunno how to describe the issue with this sentence, but basically the latter part sounds kind of off in terms of grammar. It sounds like way older/fancier English compared to the rest of the prose, but sounds like structure that might be more natural in another language?? Here's my advice to make things fit better:

[It was almost like the ground had swallowed Chris; it was difficult to find so much as a single trace of him.]

-  OR:

[It was so hard to find as much as a single clue that it was as through Chris had been swallowed by the ground.]


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[But precisely because of this ambiguity the situation had created, Claude also had some hope for Chris and his returning: he didn’t know how Chris would return or what could have happened to him, but as long as he wasn’t confirmed dead there was some hope left.]

-  The colon turns this into kind of a run-on sentence, so I'd end it after "returning" and make it two sentences. Also, "the situation had created" feels kind of unnecessary and I think the sentence would flow better without it! On that note, if you wanted to keep everything before the comma intact, "this ambiguity the situation had created" sounds off and "the ambiguity the situation had created" would be more correct!

-  Also, it seems like "when Chris would return" would make more sense than "how." Unless by "how" you essentially meant "what condition Chris would return in?" It seems like an odd question to ask the way in which Chris would return (i.e. by walking or via car or something,) which is what that part seems to imply.

-  Basically for clarity and focus I'd suggest something like this, though depending on what you meant by "how..." this might not imply the right thing:

[But precisely because of this ambiguity, Claude had hope for Chris and his returning. He didn’t know what condition Chris would return in or what could have happened to him, but as long as he wasn’t confirmed dead there was some hope left.]


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[Not really knowing what overcame him, Claude marched to the window as if possessed, jumped on the large windowsill, and with an accustomed movement opened the window. ]

-  It hasn't been too long since the last comparison to possession, but I think it would make more sense to cut out the earlier one (after "he felt a constant need to be on the move and do something") since it'd make that sentence more concise.

-  I also feel like "not really knowing what overcame him" and "as if possessed" end up being redundant, so it might be best to cut one of those out!


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[Cold and hard rain immediately forced their way inside, and the unpleasant scent of a humid rainy night pushed through. Despite the unpleasantness of all this, Claude pushed his head out of the window, his long hair getting soaked almost immediately, and soon he felt the freezing water sliding from his hair all the way down to his neck and under his shirt. ]

-  It's not common in English to use "they" for inanimate objects; you had an "and" there, but cold and hard are both being used to describe a single thing (the rain.) I think what you're looking to say is "Cold, hard rain immediately forced its way inside!"

-  You used unpleasant two sentences in a row, which is redundant. I'd suggest:

[Cold, hard rain immediately forced its way inside, and the scent of a humid rainy night pushed through. Despite the unpleasantness of it all, Claude pushed his head out of the window (etc etc)]

-  also rain is totally an awesome scent *folds arms*


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[He let the rain hit him, and only when his body forcibly started to shake in cold Claude finally pulled back inside and closed the window.]

-  Phrasing like "shake in cold" I think is technically correct but not very common in English; I'd say:

[He let the rain hit him, and only when his body forcibly started to (shake from cold / shake from the cold) did Claude finally pull back inside and close the window.]


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[It wasn’t nearly enough to cool down Claude’s anxious mind, but at least the unpleasant experience had physically tired him out.]

-  Another unpleasant very close to the other two, so I'd choose another word either here or earlier!


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[Sleep didn’t come easy that night, and had Claude known what would then wake him up, he wouldn’t have bothered attempting to sleep at all…]

-  I'd get rid of the comma after "up" since it disrupts the flow a bit. That's all!