Anima, Ch.46: The Lost Years

--01-- [Scene: Nares Plateau] <BGM: Ruler of the Dark>
My exile wore on. Weeks turned to months...then to years.
I'd lost hope of ever getting my old life back, but still kept looking for reasons
to keep on living, for just one more day...


--02-- [Scene: Vales] <BGM: Ruler of the Dark>
Bitter experience taught me the hard lesson to stay away from the few pockets of habitation in Iria.
I got shot at or worse for daring to draw near any place I might find respite from solitude.



--03-- <BGM: Ruler of the Dark>
Am I truly so monstrous now that people simply see a demon and attack me on sight?
After all this time, I wonder if I'm even still capable of communicating anymore...
It's...been such a long time...


--04-- [Scene: Silva Forest] <BGM: Ruler of the Dark>
For the first year or so, for lack of anything else to do, I went on training my magic,
as if nothing had happened, as if denying my...transfiguration...
In time, though, it felt like I'd hit a limit.


--05-- <BGM: Ruler of the Dark>
No matter the danger I put myself in, no matter how strong a beast I faced,
I felt that I...simply wasn't accomplishing anything from the experience.
I could learn no more.


--06-- [Scene: Karu Ruins] <BGM: Ruler of the Dark>
Desperate for some reason to go on living, I turned my attention to exploring this strange land,
its forgotten ruins, all its varied climates, and even its...darker places.



--07-- [Scene: Solea] <BGM: Ruler of the Dark>
While this land is vast, it's not endless. Eventually, I'd seen it all...
From the deserts in the south to the volcanoes in the north, I'd been everywhere.

Even the biggest prison is still a prison.

--08-- [Scene: Cenae Meadows] <BGM: Ruler of the Dark>
I've come to curse my eternal life.
If the world were to end, would I die, too?
...no, I wouldn't go that far. Not yet.
But if someone else wanted to try, I don't know if I'd bother to stop them...

--09-- [Scene: Muyu Desert] <BGM: Massive Victory>
As time passed glacially, and the years have worn on, the world has been changing around me
in strange ways, sometimes very suddenly and drastically.
Especially in the last year or so...


--10-- <BGM: Massive Victory>
Some months ago, there was a massive sandstorm in the desert.
Where there'd once been vast sand dunes, there were now piles of giant dragon bones, and an oasis.
Had these always been buried here?


--11-- <BGM: Massive Victory>
A few days later, there was a blinding flash in the sky, high above, a massive explosion in the heavens.
It blazed like a second sun for a few moments, and then it was gone...



--12-- [Scene: Lappa] <BGM: Tale Untold>
I wish I knew what was happening in Uladh.
I wonder how my old friends are doing...

All I have left of those happier days with them are an engagement ring, and dreams of what might have been...

--13: <BGM: Tale Untold>
The man I loved, who died in my arms.
His sister, who vowed to kill me over and over until I didn't revive.
And my other friend, who wished me to suffer forever with my guilt...
All of them, gone...

--14-- [Scene: Renes] <BGM: Tale Untold>
I'd settled into a tiny, well-hidden seaside cave in the volcanic wastelands;
it's the closest thing to a home I have left.
If that volcanic island offshore ever erupts, I'll have a front-row seat.


--15-- <BGM: Tale Untold>
As the sky darkened after sunset, the full moons rose in the east.
Eighty-four times now, I've seen Ladeca wax and wane; shine bright, then fade away again.
I don't know why I'm even keeping count...


--16-- <BGM: Tale Untold>
Two thousand, five hundred sunsets; with nobody to share them with.
Almost seven years... Seven years, alone...

I can't go on like this.

--17-- <BGM: Tale Untold>
...I feel dead on the inside. I hardly feel anything anymore.
I don't feel cold walking through the frozen snowfields.
I don't feel hot in the torrid jungles.
I barely even feel pain.

--18-- <BGM: Tale Untold>
I don't even feel hungry anymore, and I haven't eaten in years...
Is it...because of what I am now?
Well...it would be more accurate to say, I have...a different sort of appetite now...


--19-- <BGM: Tale Untold>
One that I don't dare satisfy.

With night coming on, I curled up on the cave's floor, trying to get comfortable.
It's...difficult. My wings keep me from lying on my back.

--20-- <BGM: Tale Untold>
I can't even fly with these wings. I'm simply too heavy.
And because of my horns, I need a big, fluffy pillow in order to lie on my side.
Gods, these useless things constantly get in the way.


--21-- <BGM: Tale Untold>
I sleep away whole days now, to hide in a world of dreams, to have something to experience
that I haven't seen a hundred times.
Even if some are nightmares.
Maybe, someday, I just won't wake up...

--22-- [Scene: none] <BGM: Tale Untold>
With my head resting on a makeshift pillow, a big bag stuffed full of leaves and twigs,
I let myself start to drift off to sleep.
Sensation faded away, replaced with the stage of my imagination.


--23-- [Scene: Maiz Prairie] <BGM: Whisper of Wind>
I am on the empty plains.
It's a dream, and I know it. I'm not in control, though.
There's a campfire nearby.
Dream-me walked to it, finding a man asleep under the stars, next to the fading flames.

--24-- <BGM: Whisper of Wind>
I've never seen this man before; he's purely a figment of my imagination.
Dream-me kneels besides him, and I realize what she's about to do.
No. Oh, no. Don't do this.
My dream-self doesn't listen.

--25-- <BGM: Whisper of Wind>
This is wrong. Even in a dream, it's wrong!
My dream-self is driven by the same...dark hunger that I feel when I'm awake,
but this phantasmal apparition of myself has no qualms with satiating it.


--26-- <BGM: Maze Without Exit>
Don't do this!! STOP!!
I plead with my dream-self, but to no avail.
She kissed the sleeping man, who woke for but a moment at the touch of her lips,
before falling into the slumber of death forever.

--27-- <BGM: Maze Without Exit>
The intoxicating sensation of the stolen life essence suffusing through me, the feeling of being truly alive,
feels wonderful, even when imagined...
Yet I'm still horrified to experience it again.


--28-- <BGM: Maze Without Exit>
Before I realized I could do this...when my love and I had shared our first kiss, I'd stolen his soul away.
I relived that horror every time I had a dream like this...
It's...becoming more frequent.


--29-- <BGM: Maze Without Exit>
The dream-man who's soul that dream-me had just consumed turned black,
rotting and decaying at an unnatural pace.
Please...no more...
Devin had died just like this, before my very eyes...

--30-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
A presence came unbidden into my dream.
A man, with strong muscles, dressed in a tribal outfit, wearing a feathered eagle mask over his face.
He looked at me, disapprovingly, and crossed his arms.


--31-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
(Akule)
You've lost your humanoid form, yet you're still trying to retain your humanity.
But you feel it slipping away, don't you?
You feel like you're losing control?
Like there's no reason to hold on?

--32-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
(Akule)
You feel like you're losing your grasp on the last thing that makes yourself you.
The other you, that sleeps within...it's growing restless, isn't it?
If you do nothing...it will reclaim you...

--33-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
(Akule)
I am Akule.
Come find me. You need help.

I'll be waiting for you at the heart of Courcle's jungles, where it is...safe, for the both of us to meet.

--34-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
(Millia)
Teacher, are you doing this *again?* Are you sure this a good idea?




--35-- <BGM: Distant Thought on the Other Side>
(Akule)
My ideas are always good!
I need a new project anyway, now that you're up and about again.
It'll be fine. Probably.

Oops. Is this still on?
--36-- [Scene: Renes] {SFX: huge failure}
...what the hell?
I awoke suddenly, in a cold sweat, as if I'd been pushed out of my dreams.
That was...confusing.
...What just happened?
...that wasn't really a dream, was it?
--37-- <BGM: Friend of Solitude and Loneliness>
Well, no. It started as a dream...and then something intruded upon it.
No. *Someone* intruded. A man...in a mask?
He said...I was losing myself?
He said, 'Come find me?'

--38-- <BGM: Friend of Solitude and Loneliness>
It's been almost seven years since anyone's tried to communicate with me in any way...
Other than people in my nightmares cursing me with their dying breath,
and that's not real, so it doesn't count.


--39-- <BGM: Friend of Solitude and Loneliness>
The jungles, huh?
"Can I even still speak?" I said to myself, trying out my voice.
It was hoarse and raspy from disuse.
I...guess I should try and do something about that real quick...

--40-- <BGM: Friend of Solitude and Loneliness>
I know where the jungle is, but...
Why? Why now, after all these years, has someone reached out to me?
I'll indulge my curiosity one last time, but I'll be prepared for disappointment...or worse.


[end of chapter]