Script: Taking the D(ragon)

Taking the D(ragon)
by Smutomancer
After a terrible dragon is seen in the region, a poor village sacrifices a maiden to appease the beast. With cunning and grace, she convinces him not to eat her. Also they have sex.


I fucking hate all of you! Yea, you heard me. Fuck! You!
[to herself] Lousy town, anyway. It's almost worth getting eaten, don't have to live there anymore.
[also to herself, but softer] I hope they'll be okay...

[a bit of walking]
H-hello? Is, um, is anyone here?
Ugh, this place so creepy. Ah!
Is that... oh gods, that's a skull.  I- I think I need to sit down.
Eww, eww. Not sitting there. Why do caves have to be so dank, anyway? And dark. And spooky.

H-hello? Mister, uh, mister dragon?
Hello!
Maybe he's out...  Um... Maybe I should, uh, go deeper or-
AH!
[trip/falling/in pain]
Ow, dammit- that was-
Oh-
Oh, uh, t-there you
Um, where are, uh, where are my m-manners?  H-hello mister drago-
B-Balthazar! Okay, mister Balthaza-
Lord! Lord Balthazar.
My name is, um... what nice, long, sharp fangs you have. I mean, my name is- um... I don't even remember right now.
N-no, I guess you don't need to know the names of your foo-
Oh, gods, please don't eat me!
Uh, I'm sure I can be of some OTHER-  Err, no, I'm not a princess. We don't really have a princesses-
Cook! I can cook! I'm sure you could use someone who can cook the... other... people... you...
S-sing? Well, uh, my throat is a little dry right now
[to herself] Knew I should have taken lessons, dammit!
Hmm? Oh, nothing, your most terrible lordship.
Terrifying! I meant terrifying!
What can I do?  Let's see, besides the cooking and the singing and the- Oh, I can sew?  Maybe I could make you a... blanket... big enough for a horse-sized giant lizard... with my bare hands...
I can make nets!
Oh, not a big fish eater, huh?
Cleaning! I can do that! Tidy the 'ole cave up a bit? Sweep up some of the dank-
Oh, you like the dank?
Hay! Watch the claws, buddy! We're still, um, negotiating here.
I know! You must get lonely up here, all alone. Maybe it would be nice to have someone to talk-
What do you mean, "strip?"
Well I don't see why I should spare you indigestion. In fact, I think I have an obligation to-
Okay, okay, just watch that fire.
There's just no reasoning with some people. Dragons.
Well? Look away!
Oh, come on! I had to walk all the way up this mountain, I'm about to be eaten, and now I have to get naked for a one-ton lizard in the middle of a smelly cave! Can't I have a little dignity?
[petulant and condescending] Thank you, O mighty lizard.
And no peaking!
[some struggling with clothes] At least I, unf, at least I don't have to wear this damn corset, ugh, anymore.
I said no peaking! You are so rude!
It's not like I'm doing this for you. Well, I am, but, but...
What are you doing back there?
Oh.
My.
Gods.
You are such an unbelievable pervert!
I mean, really, doing, uh, THAT, and in front of a lady.
Oh, you know what I mean. Now you're just arguing semant- oh, god, is that what that smell is?
What do you do all day?
Really?
Is that ALL you do all day?
You know what, I don't even care anymore. Just eat me. Just come over here and that is a huge penis.
Damn. That is a huge penis.
I didn't know lizards HAD penises. Peni. Penae. Whatever.
Okay, fine. You're not a lizard.
You just a giant, scaly, winged, fire breathing, incredibly well hung NOT-lizard.

Say, can I ask you a favor?
Well yeah, I'd like to go free but-
Listen, will you?  Since I'm going to die anyway, can I, um, you know?
Touch it?
Just a little?
I've never really seen one up close.
[some shuffling]
Oh, wow. It's so hot!
[nervous giggle] I can just get my fingers around it.
This is SMALL by dragon standards? Damn, those other dragons must have-
But it's so big! I don't think- I mean, I never would, but... I wonder if it would, you know, fit?

Ow, ow! Watch the claws!
Put me down, you son of a-
What are you going to-
Yes, I know I brought it up, but there is no fucking way that thing can-
Getting me wet will NOT make it fit better, that thing is-
[wet slurping sound] Ah!
Just, hold on a-
[wet sound]
Holy shit that was-
[again with the wet sounds]
You're pretty good with your tongue, aren't-
AaaAaAAaah!

[panting heavily] That was... that was, ah, intense.
I can hardly feel-
No, there is no way- Stop scrapping up my legs like that!
[voice slowlly lowering into an almost inaudible whisper] I can, um, I can move them myself...
You heard me.
What?
No.
There's no way I'm going to say it.
You can't make me.
You can't.
AaaAaAagain with the tongue?
Fine! Fine! I give!

T-take that big, that big-
Oh, just shove it in me already!
[pained cry of pleasure]
Holy FUCK!
[labored breathing from here on out]
Slow, ah, slow down. Please, I can't, fuck, I can't take it so-
Gods, it's big.
Ah!
Oh my gods, there.
That thing you, Ah! Yeah, that.
Keep, ah! doing that.
Hmp
hmp

AH!
[panting very heavily]

I guess, [pant] I guess it fit after, after all.
Shit, there must be gallons of this stuff.
Do you always?
Ugh, it's everywhere.
I need a bath.

Hot springs?
Down that way?
I couldn't walk two steps.
Carry me? What happened to eating me?
No, I'm not complaining. It's just that-
What do you mean, "married?"

---------

And that, children, is how I met your father.
What?
Why are you looking at me like that?