Mayor Zao's Excellent Political Adventures (preview)

	Man, I love being the mayor.
	People practically fall over themselves to give me the respect I deserve.
	I don't have to pay for anything I buy from the stores.
	I get fast tables at---
	“We're very sorry, Mayor Zao. We don't have any tables open at this time.”
	What?! Dammit. This asshole just broke the flow.
	I took in my surroundings. I was at a restaurant called the Fortune Bowl---a restaurant that I had personally funded from my own pocket, mind you---and I guess it was a lot more packed than I thought it'd be at six in the evening, even for one that had just opened yesterday. True to the name, the inside was shaped like a fuzzy maroon bowl. Basically, there was one circular level with a few tables strewn across the floor, and a curved lower level where most of the tables were neatly mashed together and water flowed across the curved walls. And there was a statue of me in the center of that lower level, showing me off in all my majestic, eight-foot marble glory. Damn, I look good.
	I could admire myself later, though. Right now, there was this twitchy rabbit guy standing behind the counter, visibly sweating and rubbing his hands together with a stupid not-smile on his face.
	“What do you mean, there aren't any open tables?” The edge didn't take very long to creep into my voice.
	The rabbit winced. “Well, you see, Mr. Zao, you couldn't have come at a worse time. The restaurant turned out to be highly popular after our spectacular opening, and we only have so many tables compared to how many people were clamoring to eat at the Fortune Bowl. I'm very sorry, but you didn't have a reservation in place on opening day, so you'll have to come back another day. Or you could make a reservation right now…?”
	“So, you're telling me you're refusing service to the one person who was responsible for this place getting funded in the first place, and whose money is paying your salary right now.”
	The not-smile was wiped off the rabbit's face. Hah.
	“U-u-uuh, that—that wasn't what I meant to imply---”
	“Do you even know how damn hard it was to get this place off the ground in the first place?! Had to hire an interior designer, fire him for being incompetent, hire another designer, hire a whole bunch of architects who know what they're doing, foot the bill for the land deed, pay off some dude to hire a whole bunch of catering staff, and a whole bunch of other stuff that I'm sure is going over your head right now! That set me back ten million crystals! That's a big-ass amount of money! And five percent of that is paying people like you right now!”
	The rabbit's eyes were darting all over the place. “I uh… that is very insightful, but it would be rude to the customers to just remove them forcibly from the restaurant, Mr. Zao...”
	“Dammit, who cares?! If you're not going to do your damn job, I'll do it for you!”
	“W-wait! You can't go in until there's a vacancy!
	I stalked off into the restaurant, scanning the tables for people.
	Old lady with an old man. I could boot them, but I tend to respect my elders.
	Family of four with the kids happily munching on the food. Nah.
	Some weirdo twenty-something panda, sitting alone with the menu still on his table. Hah!
	I stared up at him with a smile on my face, and tapped the table forcefully. He was startled out of whatever dumb thoughts he was thinking right now, and looked down at me. He was wearing a long-sleeved shirt with three armor-clad girls taking center stage. One was a blue panda, one was a yellow dragon, and one was a crimson red hawk, and 'Fortissimo Gear' was written at the bottom in a vaguely orange-shadowed font. Man, what the hell is up with people and their weird-ass cartoon girl fetishes?
	“Oh. Um. Hi. I didn't expect to see you here, Mayor Zao. What do you need with me?”
	“I'll make this simple, Sparky. I want your table.”
	The panda blinked. “Pardon?”
	“Oh, 'pardon', he says. I want your table right now.”
	“Whoa. What? Why? I spent like 1,500 crystals on a reservation here. That's a lot of money, you know? And I heard it had good food. Also, my name isn't Sparky. It's---”
	Ladies and gentlemen? Point and laugh at this plebian. Dumbass thinks 1,500 crystals is 'a lot of money' when it's like peanuts or something.
	“Yeah yeah whatever, Sparky. This shouldn't be taking longer than five seconds. I want your table. You're still sitting here for whatever reason.”
	“Um, well...today is my birthday, and I thought I'd treat myself to something special.”
	“Oh. I see how it is. You need some sort of incentive before you kindly pack your stuff and get the hell out of here.”
	“Uh, that's not...”
	“Okay fine! Five percent coupon on anything you eat here for your next stay.”
	“...that's really not a lot of money saved, though.”
	“Whatinthefff---arrgh. How about another five percent coupon at the Shang Mu mall?”
	“Mayor Zao, I think you're missing the point here...”
	“Are you frigging serious? What the hell is it going to take to get your damn table?”
	Sparky eyed the rest of the top floor. I followed his gaze. A few people were looking at us.
	“Look, I don't want----”
	“Screw it. I didn't want to have to do this, but for some reason, you're hell-bent on that table, which is some kind of weird that I probably should have expected from your shirt. Come over here for a second.”
	Confused, Sparky got up from his seat and leaned down slightly into my face. Some days, I hate being so short compared to practically everybody else. It's hard as hell to be taken seriously when everyone has to look down at you, instead of upwards. Whatever.
	“Okay,” I whispered conspiratorially, “I really did not want to have to do this, but I'll let you in on a secret. Somebody on the wait staff has a grudge against you, and if you order food right now, that person is going to put poison in your food. And man, these poisons are really potent. I've seen this one wicked poison where it takes effect after five minutes, and you just vomit all your blood out and----”
	Sparky went bug-eyed. “What?! This is all wrong! Why would anyone have a grudge against me?”
	“Whoa, whoa, shshshshshhhh. Don't you go and make a scene on me. Look, I'll make sure that person gets fired and can't terrorize anyone ever again. But you gotta leave quietly. I'll refund your reservation, and you can come back another time.”
	I took out my wallet and gave Sparky 1,500 crystals in gray crystal cards. Well, 'gray' with green stamps on the back. I'm particular like that.
	Sparky eyed the money and took it hesitantly.
	I patted him twice on the shoulder twice. “Good man. Have a nice evening.”
	Sparky nodded nervously and made to gather his stuff. A wildcat waiter woman passed by.
	“Sir, didn't you have a reservation for that table?”
	 Sparky nearly fell to the floor. He was so spooked at the sight of the waiter that he all but ran out of the Fortune Bowl.
	The wildcat waiter looked from him to me, and I shrugged.
	“Don't worry about it. His table is on me. Can I use your phone, though?”
	The waiter nodded graciously. “Of course. Just go over to the bathroom section. It's just a short quarter-circle walk to the right of your table, and you take a right. Enjoy your stay here, Mayor Zao.”
	“Certainly.”
	So there I went to the phone, which was mounted on the wall, just out of reach. It wasn't a payphone, which was good. There was also a stool, which was double good.
	I hopped on the stool and picked up the phone, then punched in some numbers.
	The phone rang twice. The line crackled as one of my bodyguards answered the phone.
	“Good evening, Mayor Zao.”
	“Sup. You're outside the Fortune Bowl, right.”
	“Indeed.”
	“Okay, did anyone leave just now?”
	“A young panda man with a cartoon shirt just left, yes. He seems quite agitated.”
	“Excellent. Now, listen carefully. I just gave that dude 1,500 crystals. The cards I gave him are gray, with green stamps on the back. I want you to beat the shit out of that guy and get my damn money back. Got it?”
	“Understood.”
	“Good. I'll give you a five percent raise later on.”
	I hung up the phone and went back to my table, scanning the menu while stealing glances at the super-bitching statue on the bottom floor of the Fortune Bowl.
	Shit yeah, I love being the mayor of Shang Mu.