Chapter 7

Even if I know that decision will definitely bring about regrets.

朝方に四温の雨がぱらついたその日は、過日とは打って変わって穏やかに過ぎていた。

The lukewarm rain poured lightly in the morning ever since that day. That day has passed completely distinct yet peacefully.

微睡を誘う放課後。くあと欠伸をし、だらだらと帰り支度をしていると、ぱたぱたと騒がしい足音が駆け寄ってきた。ここ数日の流れを踏襲してか、 由比ヶ浜がとんとんと俺の肩を叩く。

Slumber drew on in the after classes. I let out a yawn. While I was lazily preparing to go home, noisy footsteps came near towards me. Following the usual course of events that has been happening for the past few days, Yuigahama tapped my shoulder.

「ヒッキー、帰ろっ」

“Hikki, let’s go home!”

こないだの応接室からの帰り際がふと頭をよぎり、吐息だけが出た。由比ヶ浜は、行かないの？ とフクロウみたいに首を傾げる。それが彼女なりの気遣いなのだとすぐわかる。

When I suddenly remembered what happened previously on the way home after the events at the support room, I could only let out a sigh. Yuigahama tilted her head like a crow, as if asking, “aren’t you going?” I immediately knew that she was being considerate.

「……ああ、じゃ、帰るかー」

“…Yeah. Then, let’s go home.”

だから、それに応えようと、ぐいーっと猫のような大きな伸びをしてゆっくり立ち上がった。

That’s why, in response to that, I forcefully stretched my body like a cat, then stood up slowly.

学校を出て、駅へ続く道を進む。今日は朝の雨のおかげで、俺と由比ヶ浜の帰り道が重なっていた。傘をぶんぶんしながら上機嫌そうな由比ヶ浜が、道々なにくれとなく話しかけてくる。

We got out of the school, then continued our way to the station. Due to the rain this morning, walking way to home became rough for me and Yuigahama. While shaking her umbrella, Yuigahama, who was in high spirits, talked to me about various of things along the way.

「あ、でね、手作りケーキの話したじゃん？ それママに言ったらうち使っていいって言ってたよ。なんかさー、もう逆にママがはしゃいでて、その、なんかほんと、恥ずかしい……」

“Ah, also, we talked about making homemade cake, right? When I told about that to Mama, she said that we could use our kitchen. It’s like, Mama got bubbly all the way around and, that’s like, so embarrassing…”

「ほんと行きづれぇな……。後半の情報のせいで余計行きづれぇなぁ……」

“It’s really hard to come… Because of the latter information you said, it became much harder to come…”

言うと、由比ヶ浜は困り笑いを浮かべる。ポケットに手を入れ、スマホを取り出した。

When I said that, Yuigahama made a troubled smile. She put her hand inside her pocket, then took out her smartphone.

「うーん、でもヒッキーの家だと、 小町ちゃんにばれちゃうし」

“Hmm, but if we do it at Hikki’s house, Komachi-chan would find out.”

由比ヶ浜がスマホへと視線を落とす。瞬間、え、と息が漏れ、ぴたっと足を止めた。

Yuigahama’s gaze fell over on her smartphone. In a moment, she uttered, “eh,” then suddenly stopped her steps.

「……なんか、プロム、やばいみたい」

“…It seems like the prom is in a risky situation."

言って、由比ヶ浜がスマホを見せてくる。そこに表示されているのはラインの画面だ。グループラインというやつだろうか。ヘッダーに奉仕部とあり、『 雪ノ下雪乃』と『いろいろいろはす』と名前がある。ツッコミどころは多いが、最新のメッセージを見たら全部飛んだ。

With that being said, Yuigahama looked at her smartphone. What was displayed on the screen was the LINE’s faceplate. Is this what they call GROUP LINE? On the header has the title Service Club, and the names, “Yukinoshita Yukino" and “iroiroirohasu.” I rather had a lot to comment, but when I saw the latest message, everything that I wanted to say had vanished away.

「……学校側がプロム中止判断ってどういうことだ。継続協議はどこ行ったんだ」

“What is the meaning that the school have decided to cancel the prom? What happened to the conference that’s currently on-going?”

「ラインで聞いてみる？」

“Want to try asking it on LINE?”

「……いや、いい。こういうのは上と話したほうが早いしな。ちょっと、電話するわ」

“…No, it’s fine.”

 一言断り、由比ヶ浜から二、三歩離れて背を向けた。電話が繋がるまでの間、由比ヶ浜をちらと見やると彼女は深刻な顔でラインの画面を見つめ、時折、不安げに横目で俺を見る。

I declined, then went two to three steps away from Yuigahama and turned my back. While waiting for my call to connect, when I glanced at Yuigahama, she was looking at the LINE’s screen with a serious face, then would cast a look at me with a worried expression now and then.

焦れる思いでコール音を耳にしていると、電話口から平塚先生のため息が聞こえた。

As the sound of the ringing call came into my ears while feeling irritated, I heard Hiratsuka-sensei’s sigh from the phone.

「プロムの件どうなってるんですか」

“What will happen regarding the prom?”

向こうが話すより先に言うと、ふーっと長い息の後、面倒そうな声が続いた。

When I asked that before she could even speak, she let out a lengthy breathe, then with her annoyed-like voice, she continued.

『……後日、ちゃんと説明する。今はこっちでも対応中なんだ。落ち着いたところで……』

『…I’ll explain it properly on another day. I’m currently dealing with the matter over here. Let’s talk about it when things have settled down…』

「いや、それ何日分のロスになるんですか。そんな待ってたら巻き返せなくなる」

“No, how many days of loss would that be? If we waited that long, we won’t be able to recover.”

『巻き返すも何もないだろ。それに、君はプロムを手伝う気でいるのか？』

『There’s nothing to recover, right? And besides, do you have any intentions on helping the prom?』

「あ、ああ、いや……。後でまたやるとかなんとか言い出したら、超大変だから」

“A-ahhh, no… if they say they’d try doing it again later or something, it would be very severe for them.”

『……どうだろうな。それはないと思うが』

『…I wonder about that. I think that’s not going to happen.』

その声には確信がこもっていた。それを心中で即座に否定する。

Her voice was filled with certainty. I instantly denied what she said in my inmost thoughts.

詰められてもあれだけ強情張った一色がそう簡単に諦めるものか。何より、 雪ノ下雪乃がようやく口にした願いを、 易々と手放したりするはずがない。させてたまるか。

Isshiki, who was that much unrelenting regarding the matter, and even straining herself in doing so, is not going to give up that easily. Above all else, there’s no way that the request that Yukinoshita Yukino had finally put into words would let go that simply. I won’t let that happen.

俺の苛立ち紛れの吐息に気づいたのか、 平塚先生は諦めたように唸る。

Hiratsuka-sensei must have noticed my irritated sigh as she groaned that sounded like it has surrendered.

『君に言わないわけにはいかんか。……中止の情報は雪ノ下の希望で君に伝えていない。これで察したまえ。そのうえで聞くが、それでもまだ君がプロムを手伝う理由があるか？』

『There’s no way that I couldn’t tell about it to you. …Yukinoshita hoped not to tell you that the information of the cancellation of the prom. Take a hint. On the top of that, let me ask you this. Do you still have any reason to help the prom in spite of that?』

聞いた瞬間、考えてた言葉が全部飛んだ。時間の概念も消し飛ばされていたと思う。 おーいと平塚先生の呼ぶ声がして、しばらくぼうっとしていたことに気づく。

The moment I’ve heard of that, every words that I’ve thought flew away. I think that the conception of time has disappeared and flew away, too. When Hiratsuka-sensei called out, “hey,” I briefly dozed off and have realized something.

 『電話で黙られたらわからんぞ。君の悪い癖だ。ちゃんと言葉にしろ。……待つから』

『I won’t know if you stay silent there. It’s your bad habit. Put it into words properly. …Because, I’ll wait.』

ゆっくり落ち着いた声音で言い直され、ようやく事態を捉え直す。理由だ、理由、理由。

She rephrased her words in a gentle, composed voice. The situation has finally rectified. I need a reason, reason, reason.

「理由は、まぁ、部活もそうですけど、乗り掛かった舟というか」

“The reason is, well, I’m part of the club as well, but it’s more of I’m already at the past of no return or something.”

言葉を探しながら、早口で言い募ったが、電話口からは何の反応もない。

While looking for the words, I said that in a quick, rebuking manner. However, there wasn’t any response from the phone.

吐息だけが聞こえ、それきり。それが腹立たしい。あんたは俺のこと、わかってんだろ。

The only thing that I could is her breathe, and that’s it. That’s very aggravating. You understand who the hell I am, right?

「言葉になんて、なりようがない。大事なことだから言わないんだ。ちゃんと考えて、手順を踏んで、間違えないように、ちゃんと……先生だってそうでしょ」

“Putting them into words is just shameful. It’s something important, so I won’t say it. I should think about it precisely and follow the required steps so that I won’t make a mistake… precisely… Aren’t you like that, too, Sensei?”

あんた離任のこと言わなかったじゃねぇか。それは大事なことじゃないのか。そう続けそうだった。絶対言うまいと奥歯を噛み締めたのに、声に出てしまっているのが自分でもわかる。

You didn’t tell us that you’re going to freaking leave, right? Isn’t that an important thing? You continued doing that. You clenched your teeth so that you won’t speak about the things that you were thinking and wanted to say. Yet, I already got it from the words that was coming out of your voice.

『…… 比企谷 、ごめんね。それでも私はずっと待つよ。……だから、言葉にしてくれ』

『…I’m sorry, Hikigaya. But even so, I’ll always wait. …So, put them into words.』

先生が、そんなに悲しい声で、優しい言葉で謝るのを初めて聞いた。

It was the first time that I’ve heard Sensei apologized with some nice words, yet said them in a melancholic voice.

理由なんか、さっき全部なくなった。思いつくのは仕事と部活と小町に紐づくものだ。言い方や単語を変えても、結局全部それらに結びつけていることに自分で気づいている。

All of my reasonings had vanished earlier. The things that only I could think of are connected to my work, club and Komachi. Even if I change the way I say them, or their phrases, I’ve already realized on my own that all of them were binded in the end.

だから、電話口で言いかけても、ただ、口が何度か形を変えるだけで、言葉になってない。

That is why, even if I tell it on the phone, only the form of my lips would change several times, and wouldn’t even be put into words.

後は俺たちのことだけだ。共依存だからなんて最高にわかりやすい。頼られて俺の存在意義を確かめることができるなんて言いやすい。俺自身簡単に納得できる。だが、それが答えではない。共依存は仕組みだ。気持ちじゃない。言い訳にはなっても、理由にはなってくれない。

The next thing is only about us. It was super easy to understand that it was codependency. It was easy to say that I was able to determine that she depended on me and the significance of my relation towards her. I, myself, could simply come into an agreement in regards to that. However, that is not an answer. Codependency is just a form of mechanism. It was not feelings. Even if it was an excuse, it couldn’t become a reason.

そこまで全部考えて、出し尽くして、絞り出して、心の中に残ってるのは心残りだけだ。

I went that far and have thought all of that, gave it all out, and wrung them all. The only thing that remains is the regret inside my heart.

でも、それだけは言いたくない。一番かっこ悪い理由だから。だけど、言わないと進ませてくれないんだ、この先生は。そうやって俺に言い訳させてくれているのを知っている。

But, that is the only thing that I didn’t want to say. It’s the lamest reason, after all. Though, this Sensei was telling that if I won’t say it, she won’t let me move on. I knew that she was making me create excuses.

「……いつか、助けるって約束したから」

“…Because I promised that I would save her some day.”

頼まれたからなんて、そんな普通に当たり前すぎる理由で、ロジックもリリックもない言葉で、 陳腐極まる使い古された言い回しで、あいつを助けるなんて、本当に嫌でたまらない。

Because, I was asked to do so. That normal, yet super obvious reason. Those words which were void of logic and lyric. Her choice of words which were stale and extremely worn out. I really hate the thought of saving her that it’s maddening me.

『それでいい。…………時間を作る。すぐに来たまえ』

『That’s fine. ……I’ll make some time. Come here quickly.』

平塚先生は満足げに言って、自分勝手に電話を切った。スマホをしまい、ちょっと離れた由比ヶ浜のところへ戻る。すると、由比ヶ浜は視線だけで、どんな感じ？ と問うてきた。

Hiratsuka-sensei said so satisfyingly, then arbitrarily cut the call. I closed my smartphone, and returned to Yuigahama, who was slightly apart from me. Afterwards, with only Yuigahama’s gaze, she asked me how was the call.

「悪い、待たせた。……ちょっと平塚先生んとこ行ってくるわ」

“Sorry, I kept you waiting. …I’ll go to Hiratsuka-sensei.”

 一言謝り、とりあえず決まっていることだけを口にした。すると、由比ヶ浜は目を瞬く。

I apologized, then, first off, only told her what I’m certain to do. Soon after, Yuigahama blinked her eyes.

「あ、そうなんだ。なにするためにいくの？」

“Ah, I see. What are you going to do when you go there?”

「とりあえず状況把握のためだな。正直、何もわからんから他にできることがない」

“For the time being, I’ll go to grasp the situation. To be honest, I dunno about anything so I have nothing to do yet.”

そんなどうしようもない答えを言うと、由比ヶ浜はふっと笑う。

When I answered to her question hopelessly, Yuigahama suddenly laughed.

「……そっか。でも、ヒッキーが行ってくれるなら、なんとかなっちゃいそう」

“…That so. But, if Hikki is going, then it’s somehow going to be manageable.”

そして俺を肯定してくれるように、うんうんと大きく何度が頷いた。その拍子に、つっと、光る雫が流れた。それを目にした瞬間俺は息を呑む。けれど、俺が呆けるくらいに驚いたからか、由比ヶ浜も自身の目元に気づいて、すぐに頬を指で拭った。

And then, as if to agree on me, she nodded greatly for a few times. During that time, drops of sparkle drifted gently. The moment that entered upon my vision, I gulped. However, because I was surprised that I was baffled, Yuigahama noticed the expression of her eyes, then wiped her cheeks with her fingers.

「え、あ、なんか安心したら涙でてきた。びっくりしたー……」

“Eh, ah, because I felt relieved that the tears came out. That was surprising…”

はーっと息を吐いて、由比ヶ浜が指をこすり合わせる。当たり前のことのように言うので、俺も動揺を抑えつつ、声をかける。

When she exhaled, Yuigahama rubbed her fingers together. As if naturally, she said that so, while my restlessness was restraining, I called up.

「いや、びっくりしたのこっちなんだが……。大丈夫か？ とりあえず家いくか」

“No, I’m the one who got surprised here, though… Are you okay? Should we head to your home first?”

「え？ あ、へいきへいき！ これ結構、女子あるあるだと思うし」

“Eh? Ah, I’m fine, I’m fine! I think that this is something girls sort of have.”

カーディガンの袖を引っ張り出して、由比ヶ浜は目元をちょんちょんと押さえると、照れたようにはにかんで、お団子髪をくしくしといじった。

Pulling out her cardigan’s sleeve, Yuigahama pressed it lightly on her eyes. Then, she smiled as if she was embarrassed, and played on her odango-style hair.

「やー、わからないことだらけだったから……。なんかひとつでもわかるとほんと安心する。むしろ今だいじょぶになった感じ」

“Nah, it’s because I didn’t know all of the things… so, like, knowing one thing makes me feel relieved. Moreover, I feel better now.”

確かにラインを見てる時には深刻な表情をしていた。緊張感が高いと、気が緩んだ際にそうなるものなのかもしれない。まじまじと由比ヶ浜の顔を見ていると、その口元がふっと綻ぶ。

I’m certain that, while she was looking on LINE, she wore a serious expression. During when she was loosened up, she may have felt some feeling of high nervousness. While staring hard at Yuigahama’s face, her lips suddenly twitched upwards.

「おおげさ。ヒッキー、行ってだいじょぶだよ。あたし、帰ってもライン見てるから、なんかあったら教えるね」

“You’re being exaggerated, Hikki. It’s okay to go. Even if I got home, I’ll look on LINE, so, if anything happens, tell me, ‘kay?”

リュックを背負い直し、スマホを振ると、由比ヶ浜はそれで帰る意思を伝えてくる。

She adjusted her backpack. She waved with her smartphone, it showed an intention that she is going home.

「あ、ああ。それ助かる。じゃ、とりあえず行くわ。また明日な。気をつけて帰れよ」

“Y-yeah. That would be helpful. Then, I’ll go for now. I’ll see you tomorrow. Take care on your way home.”

「いや、超近所だし」

“No, my neighborhood’s totally near.”

そう言って、由比ヶ浜がゆっくり手を振った。俺もその手を振る速度に合わせるくらいの歩調でゆっくりと歩き出す。

With that being said, Yuigahama gently waved her hand. I started to walk gently in a pace about the matching speed as how Yuigahama was waving her hands.

数歩進み、後ろ髪引かれる思いで、ふと振り向くと由比ヶ浜の姿はもうそこにない。

I walked several steps forward, with an aching heart. When I suddenly looked back, Yuigahama’s figure wasn’t there anymore.

大きく息を一つ吐いてから、全力で走り出した。

After I made a great sigh, I ran with all my might.