Hey Jess I really need to talk to you about something and it's kind of burning a black hole in me and I don't want to freak you out at all but I just really need to talk to you about it and I truly feel it may risk my friendship with you and The Haven. I just respect you too much and while my head is clear I know I have to tell you and explain bc besides my parents and family I love you more than ever had any human or had a friendship or any kind of truly genuine connection with and The Haven which is something if I am given the chance I want to work towards and will pour all I have as a human into bc above anything even what I'm about to tell you I want to help people especially mentally ill tourted people. Ironically as I may lose all of this and any purpose or solace in my life my parents have really come around and see you and this in a really positive way and I could almost intergrate my life and a friend or goal with my parents and family life and be open and they even said if we threw a fundraiser they would want to show up and I was speaking to my dad after the gala about the haven and what we could do to have it take off like they did or others he knows. Sorry I know now I've gotten way off track. I know I type and talk a lot and use a lot of words and even say I use too many words or words cannot express how much you and this place means to me but it's beyond that it's the respect and pride and humanity and good and purpose I see in you and what you've built and I feel like I owe it to you to be completely honest about what I've shared with you. I respect and will honor whatever you feel or want or need from me even if that's not being a part of your life at all bc I want to live in the light and I want to give back so badly I can't express but I just have this fucking darkness in me that I can't seem to contain.
Oddly enough the reason I think I ever shared anything with you in the first place was in attempt to not lose anyone or to validate who I am which is extremely fucked and I know this is a trait and part of me you may not believe or see but it's a bad part of me and one if I could I would just cut out of myself. To the point I need to tell you that I lied to you about me having any kind of trauma or abuse or whatever in my past bc it is a lie. I also know you may think I'm just saying this bc I don't want to admit it or bc I regret telling you or shame or compulsions or fear or whatever else, but I'm telling you bc I respect you as a person and a true friend (which I understand you may no longer feel or want). I know this news may be shocking and it really is just kind of a disgusting and disresepctful thing to lie about but I just need you to know and if you can still accept me after you know this I can guarentee that I have absolutely nothing to hide about who I am or what I've done and I will do anything in my power to regain any kind of trust or relationship and if I could I would work and go to school and pour into the haven bc again this matters to me more than I matter to myself. Everything else and even aspects of what I shared relating to this are true and I know you have no way or knowing that or if even this is the real truth but this is my fucked ugly distrubed truth.
I can try to explain a bit not that it excusing anything I've done or any damage I've caused and sadly it's only my family and you who I love more than anything who I've hurt by this. and I didn't need or even really want to tell you those trauma things bc you accepted my mental illness for what it is and didn't need a reason bc you understood. I guess I feel like I have these fucked thoughts and obsessions not in a positive way and I do get nightmares and have for a long time and before any of this ever began and the idea of trauma in my life I guess my parents suspected I was like abused and my mom apparently even told my therapist she thought that before I had said anything to anyone even though I never directly spoke to them. And I felt like maybe they were right and it paired with other really fucked dreams and clips I would get but nothing like concrete and tangible and it's not repression I think in my head I felt like maybe if something did happen it would be a valid reason and explanation for all of my mental illness and the way I am at all. I never wanted attention or have sought it out or even pity or anything like that and it's something I never publically share or have at all even if it is a lie and that's just bc my reasoning isn't even the classic or typical reasons people lie or fabricate things or get weird flase memories or whatever the fuck the human mind does.
And some of this really is tied into my ocd and how I have to say and do things. I also lied to you that I lied to my parents when I confessed when the reason I confessed to them was bc I wanted to be free and like not free of childhood trauma I wanted to dismiss but of lying and being dishonest about something that so many humans fight to be believed about and is such a major sickening issue in our world and one both my parents have dealth with in some form or another and others and I don't want to compare or dismiss them. I know in lying I guess I do that which fundamentally goes aganist who I am as a person. I talked about having feelings for/ liking and being conflicted and knowing it's fucked and that comes from the dreams and nightmares and my head and thoughts and intrusive thoughts and obsessions that kinda torment me. Again everything I've shared with you has been true besides that which is a huge things and I understand you might not be able to concieve of how I could lie and be who I say and who you know me to be but that's just who I am and this is like a fucking dark fucked distrubed lie and whole situation that has only hurt people and done the opposite of what why I felt I had to or should or did or maybe something did happen thoughts that led to my lying. I knwo that unlike my parents who were forgiving you haven't known me since birth and don't have the reference of who I am as a person in the world and only have my words in the short but long time we've know each other, and I know you may be really fucked bc I know that our friendship means something for you too and I'm sorry if I caused you to lose someone or something (not that I'm worth it) or caused you to lose trust in someone you may have trusted.
I need you to know though that I would and will do anything in my power to help you be happy and safe and thrive bc I care about you and love you as a person in a way I haven't for a peer ever or anyoner  outside my family. I've had some I guess you could say traumas or fucked shit like everyone but I dislike that word and the premise of how my thoughts work in what I shared is true if that's even possible to understand even if me sharing it was a lie. I guess it just got fucked and this beast and whole situation just snowballed and it became a way for me to make sense of or have a valid reason for my family and the world to accept why I couldn't function in the way I once could or should bc as much as you may not believe it all I want is to be a good person and this isn't what I good person does