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- >You are Anonymous.
- >Or at least, you are now.
- >Unfortunately, the holy language of Polish, does not translate well into Equestrian.
- >So for the sake of both your sanity and others, you’ve chosen to go by the name Anonymous.
- >And on a wondrous day like today, you find yourself seated in your beautiful house, sipping on some wonderful tea.
- >Until something disturbs you.
- >You hardly notice it at first, but if you focus you swear you could hear-
- >”O ANONYMOUS!”
- >...
- >Wait what the fuck?
- >”O GREAT ANONYMOUS!”
- >You /can/ actually hear that!
- >Despite the voice clearly shouting, it somehow managed to be barely audible.
- >”O GREAT.... Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz? I-I CALL UPON THEE!”
- >Now that you can’t ignore.
- >There are probably like two ponies that know your real name, much less pronounce it.
- >So getting up from your seat, you attempt to follow the voice.
- >Sounds like it coming from your kitchen?
- >”O YOU, TALLEST OF BEINGS! ANSWER MY PLEA!”
- >Yep, definitely your kitchen.
- >You swear to God if that Rainbow haired menace broke in again...
- >But as you round the corner you (thankfully) don’t see a broken window and an ostentatious bird horse.
- >Instead you see the /smallest/ little horse you’ve ever seen!
- >”O GR- o-oh my!”
- >Look at her! She’s even got tiny little butterfly wings sticking out of her cute little robes!
- >”You- you actually came!”
- >Oh that’s precious.
- “Yeah? You were practically screaming my name. How’d you even find out about that anyway?”
- >Of course she doesn’t bother answering, instead choosing to prostrate herself before you.
- >”Oh most tallest, I beseech you! I am but your humble servant!”
- >Admittedly this is not how you saw your day going, but you won’t complain.
- >”I performed the ritual as stated in the forbidden tome, now I ask for your assistance!”
- >Ritual?
- >Say, now that you’re looking around her, it looks like she did arrange some teeny little crystals in a neat little pattern.
- >The vindictive part of you is tempted just to fuck up said pattern for the sake of fucking with her.
- >But the curious, and much larger, part of you wants to see where this goes.
- “Well, you got me. What do you want me to do?”
- >You are Breezette, and mare are you mad.
- >Here you are trying to manage a food shortage, and that nerd runs off to waste her time chasing legends!
- >When you said “every mare on deck,” you meant /every/ mare on deck!
- >Not that she’d be much help anyway.
- >That lazybones always has her nose in her books instead of doing real mare’s work!
- >Probably wouldn’t even know how to gather pollen if her life depended on it.
- >Speak of discord, the sound of somepony stepping through the portal directs you out your office window and right to her.
- >Stomping down from your office, you waste no time getting right in her face.
- “Meadow! Where have you been!? Don’t you know there’s a food shortage going on-”
- >She actually has the /audacity/ to cut you off by putting her hoof over your mouth.
- >Who does this mare think she is!?
- >”Behold!”
- >Why you autta...
- >Oh, oh sweet Celestia.
- >/Something/ just followed her through the portal.
- >You can’t even fathom what it is.
- >A giant green... something.
- >Like a minotaur paw but...
- >FILLED WITH SEEDS!
- >”A blessing from our new lord!”
- >You’ve already tuned her out as you rush for the seed pile.
- >You can’t believe it! So much food, and you didn’t even have to risk your lives on the wind for it!
- >By now a small crowd has gathered, all looking on in awe.
- >”Sisters and brothers, let us all raise our voices in praise for our new lord! All hail Grzegorz Brzęczyszczykiewicz!”
- >...
- >Uhhhh
- >”All hail Grezor Bezwegenicz?” tries one.
- >”No no no, I think it's Gzrgzor Bewzegkiewicz,” attempts another.
- >”Gzz Brezczczy?”
- >Suddenly a voice deeper and more terrible than you’ve ever heard rings out from the other side of the portal.
- ”Please, just call me Anonymous. Hearing you try to speak in Polish is painful.”
- >You are Anonymous, and goddamn, it really was.
- >Although you’re not sure if you like what you hear next any better.
- >”IA IA ANONYMOUS FHTAGN!”
- >It’s been a week since then, and you’re not sure this was a good idea.
- >It’s everyday you wake up to some variation of them screaming your name.
- >And it looks like today is no different.
- >”IA IA ANONYMOUS FHTAGN.”
- >Jesus Christ.
- >You practically storm into the kitchen, more than a little peeved off at being awoken at 6 am on a Saturday.
- >And seeing you (but pointedly ignoring the anger in your gaze) they stop their chanting.
- >The original one to contact you, who you now know is named Meadow, wastes no time before launching into another stupid speech.
- >”Oh great and mighty Anonymous, I your most humblest of servants, I brought you another tribute.”
- >As she gestures to the crowd she’s brought with her, you notice something.
- >They’re all mares.
- >”These brave volunteers from the village have offered themselves up, in accordance with scripture, to be added to your personal harem!”
- “Goddamn it, I told you I don’t want to start a Breezie harem, Meadow!”
- >”Oh lord, how you test me! But both my faith, and the faiths of these mares is absolute!”
- >It’s about then the ‘sacrifices’ start speaking up themselves.
- >>”Please lord! I would be honored to be smooshed between your massive balls!”
- >>>”Oh no lord, pick me! I have the greatest stamina in all the village!”
- >>>>”You’ve heard of Humming-birding lord, now get ready for Breezieing.”
- >This is getting you nowhere!
- >You know from the last time Meadow brought you a ‘tribute’ she won’t take no for an answer.
- >But God, you really don’t want three horny Breezies hanging around all the time.
- >Unless... wait, you’ve got it!
- “This pleases me greatly, Meadow! To think you’d bring me three virgins! This is a fine gift indeed.”
- >And just like that you can see all the color drain from their faces.
- >”V-virgins Lord?”
- >You let out a deep belly laugh that you hope to God is intimidating.
- “Of course! I couldn’t accept anything less.”
- >The four start muttering amongst themselves.
- >>”Meadow what do we do!?”
- >>>”A virgin mare!? There’s no virgin mares in the village!”
- >”W-well actually...”
- >>>>”Oh no he’s going to squish us! And not in a sexy way!”
- >”Quiet all of you... I-I know what must be done. You three go.”
- >Aha, yes! Thank you reversed gender roles!
- >As you watch the three ‘sacrifices’ leave you allow yourself a sigh of relief.
- >Now you just got to make sure poor Meadow doesn't have a nervous breakdown.
- >”Uuuh L-lord?”
- >Turning to look directly at her you give her a smile.
- “Yes, my humble servant?”
- >”T-there’s only one virign in the village...”
- >Oh, well that’s unfortunate.
- >You suppose having just one Breezie around would probably be fine.
- >Who knows, maybe could even talk some sense into her?
- “Well what are you waiting for, bring her here!”
- >Surprisingly, she doesn’t immediately scurry off, instead starting to... tremble?
- “Uhhhh, it’s alright that you forgot the virgin part Meadow, just you know, go and get her.”
- >That seemingly only makes her trembling worse.
- >Wait is she saying something?
- >”I am his humble servant, I am his humble servant, I am his humble servant.”
- >Oh no, don’t tell you that the virgin is-!
- >”OH GREAT AND MOST BEAUTIFUL LORD! AS THE ONLY VIRGIN IN THE VILLAGE I OFFER MYSELF UP! I GIVE MYSELF WHOLLY UNTO THEE!”
- >As she finishes her exaltation she casts aside her robes, throwing herself before you.
- >”NOW I CAN TELL MOM I LOST MY VIRGINITY TO A GOD!”
- >Thaaaat’s just your luck.
- >Meanwhile at Sugarcube corner.
- >You are Twilight Sparkle, mildly concerned book horse.
- “Say, Fluttershy, weren’t the Breezies supposed to come through again this week?”
- >”I thought they were supposed to...”
- >”Ahhhh those lazy bums probably just procrastinated again! I even had a great prank laid out!” Rainbow Dash interjects.
- “And what would that have been?”
- >”I made a Breezie sized book and was going to use it to convince Grzegorz the Breezies worshiped him like a god! It was going to be hilarious! Hey I wonder where that book /got/ to...”
- >HA! Breezies worshiping Anon? Now that would be a sight to see.
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