Jessica x Battler story.

It was raining that evening. The twilights, the murder... the unsolved epitagh. There was no one else left alive on Rokkenjima, and there was but a half hour til midnight.

Battler shivered in the garden. So did Jessica. The water dripped all over her white dress shirt, exposing her skin. "Battler..." Jessica began, as she placed her hand on the red haired man's shoulder.

"Before we die, I have something I need to say."

Battler clutched his eyes shut and allowed for a few tears to fall from his eyes. But when he opened them, and looked into the loving, concerned eyes of his cousin, he knew. It didn't take her gentle touch for him to ascertain her feelings.

"I do too.", Battler said, as water dripped from the hedges.

Jessica placed both of her hands on Battler's cheek, and moved in, gently. "Battler...", she breathed out, huskily. "I..."

Jessica cleared her throat. Battler was her cousin, but she was about to die. What did taboos mean now? She took a deep breath.

"I really don't get my role in this story.", she finished, flatly.

"Neither do I, to be honest.", Battler agreed, politely refusing a passing Goat Butler offering him some Rosa tartare and Maria Hor'Dveurs .

"I mean, I get it, I'm the loud mouth idiot type. I understand that for Beato to be so fearsome you need a shrieking moron like me to blunder into closed rooms and yell about death and stuff.", Jessica continued, failing to notice Shannon as she ran into the guest house wearing Kanon's hat. "But my place in the story seems to be explicitly pathetic."

"I'd argue that you bring a certain humanistic edge to the setting.", Battler countered, slightly unconvinced.

"But, what's the point of all that if my fate is to eat shit and die all the time? Heck, everytime I try and do something cool it's guaranteed to be a hope spot."

At this point, Beatrice, still wearing Shannon's maid costume, walked out. "Hey, your cousin George eats shit and dies all the time too. I think you're just being whiny, Ushiromiya Jessicaaaaaaaaaaa!"

Jessica shook her head. "But I never get the full name last name treatment from you Beato. I'm never seen as anything more than a victim. Take episode 6. For the love duel I basically just puss out and need to get possessed by a demon. George gets to kill his own mother. And then Shannon wins the duel and I get the Golden Land's consolation prize."

"Looking at the story conventionally, I'd have to agree.", Battler admitted, with a sigh. "But that humanistic edge isn't a bad thing. Your conversation with Kanon at the school festival was pretty significant. Besides, why would you want to be seen as the culprit?"

"It's not that!", Jesssica snapped, angrily. "It's just that every time we want to suck off Beato-"

At this point, Beato instictively grabbed her croutch, felt around a bit, and sighed.

"It's my ass on the line. And then Erika gets to make a mockery of me, and then even in the fighting game we get a scene of George being all cool and mysterious in our route when we get to Beato. He literally shoos me away like a dog."

"You get other endings in the fighting game, though.", Battler countered.

"They're literally all joke endings."

At this point, a very strange entity materialized in a swarm of glowing domesticated ducks.

"But are they jokes?", the androgynous being asked. "You dress up as Marisa, a character from a game in the future. You have a matching Reimu costume to go with it. And finally-"

"Oh for fuck's sake, what wacky new meta character are you?", Battler interjected, with a sigh. "You don't seem to be wearing kneesocks, so I guess there's a chance you DON'T have a penis, but I've been wrong about that before."

"It doesn't matter who I am.", the androgynous being wearing the skull mask said. "What matters is my plan."

An awkward silence ensued in the garden. Even the rain seemed to stop, if only for a moment.

"Well, anyways.", the skull masked individual continued. "If we accept that Beatrice is a cross-dressing tranny who couldn't exactly use any sci-fi trickey but could influence the future through her tales, then what does that mean about the girl from 1986 who dressed up as literally the BIGGEST indie weeaboo icon more than a decade before the fact."

At this point, Featherine herself materialized in the garden, with that shitty circle transition that plays the WHANOOOOOOOM noise.

"Oh child of man, do you truly think that Jessica's dress meant anything of the sort? Even the goats that call themselves witch hunters understand it was a simple reference to the works of Zunerstra Alcoholi Drunkesti, Archduke of Bullet Hell.

"Oh, izzat so?", the skull mask wearing non-canon meta character replied, seeming miffed. "But what about the code 07151129?"

"What about it?", Beatrice asked, cursing as she fiddled with the button of a giant wireless ACME remote with the word "bomb" written on it.

"Doesn't that seem awfully like the divergence meter in Stein's Gate?"

Jessica and Battler both stared at the kneesock-less figure with disdain. "So you're saying the only way I get to be relevant is if I'm secretly a super genius trying to change the worldline of Rokkenjima, which is explicitly acknowledged to be a shut off catbox that's actually a story in a bottle written by a crazed transexual who is all just a figment of a crippled Battler's imagination?

"Uh, pretty much, yeah.", admitted the skull-masked meta creature.

Jessica nodded her head, and turned to Battler. "Hey, with all that out of the way, do you wanna f-"

A bright light. A swarm of Goats. When the Seagulls Cried, None Survived.

"Whew.", sighed Okonogi, as he flew away from Rokkenjima in his helicopter. "That noncanon character nearly gave away the ghost." He took a look at his Divergence Meter, which thankfully still read 00000069, locking the world into the alpha timeline. "Sorry, rich boys and sorry, rich girls. But some sacrifices must be made for world peace."