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- 1
- 00:00:03,420 --> 00:00:06,270
- - Of such idle stockpiles,
- 2
- 00:00:06,270 --> 00:00:09,570
- which can only destroy and never create
- 3
- 00:00:09,570 --> 00:00:13,730
- is not the only, much
- less the most efficient
- 4
- 00:00:13,730 --> 00:00:15,363
- means of assuring peace.
- 5
- 00:00:16,290 --> 00:00:18,620
- I speak of peace therefore,
- 6
- 00:00:18,620 --> 00:00:23,620
- as the necessary, rational
- end of rational men.
- 7
- 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:26,650
- - They will be met with fire and fury
- 8
- 00:00:26,650 --> 00:00:28,950
- like the world has never seen.
- 9
- 00:00:28,950 --> 00:00:32,660
- - Why have we not been able
- to get together as a nation?
- 10
- 00:00:32,660 --> 00:00:35,110
- - Donald Trump says he
- admires Vladimir Putin.
- 11
- 00:00:35,110 --> 00:00:38,880
- - There is no collusion
- between me, and my campaign,
- 12
- 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:40,090
- and the Russians.
- 13
- 00:00:40,090 --> 00:00:40,923
- - The trouble with our liberal friends
- 14
- 00:00:40,923 --> 00:00:42,470
- is not that they're ignorant,
- 15
- 00:00:42,470 --> 00:00:44,810
- it's just that they know
- so much that isn't so.
- 16
- 00:00:44,810 --> 00:00:46,710
- - Politics of division and resentment,
- 17
- 00:00:46,710 --> 00:00:49,690
- and paranoia has
- unfortunately found a home
- 18
- 00:00:49,690 --> 00:00:50,620
- in the Republican Party.
- 19
- 00:00:50,620 --> 00:00:53,910
- - To get that son of a bitch
- off the field, right now.
- 20
- 00:00:53,910 --> 00:00:56,850
- Out, he's fired.
- (crowd cheering)
- 21
- 00:00:56,850 --> 00:00:58,460
- Fired!
- 22
- 00:00:58,460 --> 00:00:59,700
- - Yes, we should deport them.
- 23
- 00:00:59,700 --> 00:01:00,690
- We should build a wall.
- 24
- 00:01:00,690 --> 00:01:02,210
- We should triple the border patrol.
- 25
- 00:01:02,210 --> 00:01:04,290
- - I think there's blame on both sides.
- 26
- 00:01:04,290 --> 00:01:06,800
- - He will be the voice
- of all us outsiders,
- 27
- 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,700
- all us deplorables, all of us losers,
- 28
- 00:01:09,700 --> 00:01:11,750
- all of us morons.
- 29
- 00:01:11,750 --> 00:01:15,090
- - What difference at
- this point does it make?
- 30
- 00:01:15,090 --> 00:01:18,558
- - Which is why I alone can fix it.
- 31
- 00:01:18,558 --> 00:01:22,558
- (rapidly increasing heart beat)
- 32
- 00:01:25,450 --> 00:01:30,219
- (hard rock instrumental of
- "The Star-Spangled Banner")
- 33
- 00:01:30,219 --> 00:01:35,219
- (audience cheering)
- (audience applauding)
- 34
- 00:01:53,118 --> 00:01:54,779
- - Hey.
- 35
- 00:01:54,779 --> 00:01:56,238
- Hello!
- 36
- 00:01:56,238 --> 00:01:57,556
- Yes.
- 37
- 00:01:57,556 --> 00:01:59,446
- I just wanna thank you.
- 38
- 00:01:59,446 --> 00:02:00,798
- How's it going, man?
- 39
- 00:02:00,798 --> 00:02:02,297
- Hey, yes!
- 40
- 00:02:02,297 --> 00:02:03,180
- Yes.
- 41
- 00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:05,970
- Arizona, it's 115 degrees.
- 42
- 00:02:05,970 --> 00:02:07,097
- Holy shit.
- 43
- 00:02:07,097 --> 00:02:08,680
- (audience laughing)
- 44
- 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,620
- - I am doing my new show, guys.
- 45
- 00:02:10,620 --> 00:02:12,250
- I wanted to write a show
- 46
- 00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:13,640
- that was gonna bring the country together,
- 47
- 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:14,680
- something we could all laugh about,
- 48
- 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:16,660
- so it's about politics,
- guns, and abortion.
- 49
- 00:02:16,660 --> 00:02:17,591
- There you go.
- 50
- 00:02:17,591 --> 00:02:18,424
- (audience cheering)
- 51
- 00:02:18,424 --> 00:02:19,257
- Yes!
- 52
- 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,470
- Talking about politics
- in America right now
- 53
- 00:02:22,470 --> 00:02:25,743
- is like trying to organize an
- interracial hoedown in 1840.
- 54
- 00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:29,340
- I say, are you an abolitionist
- or you Dred Scott?
- 55
- 00:02:29,340 --> 00:02:30,720
- Well, take off the Nat Turner tee-shirt
- 56
- 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,070
- or there shall be
- fisticuffs, you carpetbagger.
- 57
- 00:02:34,510 --> 00:02:35,700
- Yeah, joke number two sounds
- 58
- 00:02:35,700 --> 00:02:37,700
- like history homework, doesn't it, yeah.
- 59
- 00:02:38,730 --> 00:02:40,640
- Here's what bothered me
- about the last election.
- 60
- 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:44,120
- I could not believe we
- were fighting each other
- 61
- 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:45,563
- over these idiots.
- 62
- 00:02:46,780 --> 00:02:47,790
- Like, half of us wanted
- 63
- 00:02:47,790 --> 00:02:49,490
- this arrogant pantsuit-wearing robot.
- 64
- 00:02:49,490 --> 00:02:50,766
- I call her She-3PO.
- 65
- 00:02:50,766 --> 00:02:52,530
- (audience laughing)
- 66
- 00:02:52,530 --> 00:02:55,010
- And ladies why was she
- wearing those square jackets?
- 67
- 00:02:55,010 --> 00:02:56,894
- Was she running as Lego Hillary?
- 68
- 00:02:56,894 --> 00:02:59,894
- (audience laughing)
- 69
- 00:03:01,090 --> 00:03:02,230
- And then the other half wanted
- 70
- 00:03:02,230 --> 00:03:03,590
- this arrogant, orange, delusional,
- 71
- 00:03:03,590 --> 00:03:05,663
- Alzheimer's-ridden rodeo clown.
- 72
- 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,546
- And that's why we were pissed at each?
- 73
- 00:03:09,546 --> 00:03:11,420
- People who are families were breaking up.
- 74
- 00:03:11,420 --> 00:03:13,020
- You guys do get that we get a new idiot
- 75
- 00:03:13,020 --> 00:03:15,020
- in four years, right?
- 76
- 00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:17,583
- You're gonna need your
- family to wipe you in 20.
- 77
- 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,680
- Like, families are breaking
- up with Thanksgiving.
- 78
- 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:23,090
- Is that who you voted for, Uncle Phil?
- 79
- 00:03:23,090 --> 00:03:24,830
- Is that who you, shut
- the fuck up, Grandma!
- 80
- 00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:27,288
- Is that who you voted for, Uncle Phil?
- 81
- 00:03:27,288 --> 00:03:28,310
- Well, if that's who you voted for,
- 82
- 00:03:28,310 --> 00:03:29,940
- hell, I hope you get hit by a gas truck.
- 83
- 00:03:29,940 --> 00:03:31,540
- That's right, Uncle Phil,
- and I hope you don't die.
- 84
- 00:03:31,540 --> 00:03:33,080
- I hope you're lyin' there
- and the truck driver's
- 85
- 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,350
- gotta revive you, but
- he's got Ebola and AIDS.
- 86
- 00:03:35,350 --> 00:03:37,100
- That's what I hope happens, Uncle Phil.
- 87
- 00:03:37,100 --> 00:03:39,110
- I hope you get truck-driver Ebola.
- 88
- 00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:40,660
- Shut the fuck up, Grandma!
- 89
- 00:03:40,660 --> 00:03:41,493
- Hey.
- 90
- 00:03:43,655 --> 00:03:45,440
- I am not gonna shut up.
- 91
- 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,533
- Uncle Phil gave you a kidney last year.
- 92
- 00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:51,793
- You want your Nazi
- kidney back, Uncle Phil?
- 93
- 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,210
- Someone get me a box cutter
- 94
- 00:03:54,210 --> 00:03:55,910
- and some bathtub bourbon right now!
- 95
- 00:03:55,910 --> 00:03:56,910
- Yeah!
- 96
- 00:03:56,910 --> 00:03:57,960
- I'm gonna cut this kidney out.
- 97
- 00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,710
- I'm gonna go pee first, Uncle Phil.
- 98
- 00:04:03,250 --> 00:04:05,300
- I couldn't believe how we
- were treating each other.
- 99
- 00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:06,640
- And then this morning, I woke up happy
- 100
- 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,140
- 'cause I realized the comet
- 101
- 00:04:08,140 --> 00:04:09,800
- that's gonna destroy Humanity
- 102
- 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,183
- is already on its way.
- 103
- 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,520
- Oh, there's a giant rock coming, people.
- 104
- 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:15,960
- Oh, yeah, it's happened
- five times in the past,
- 105
- 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:16,793
- destroyed everything.
- 106
- 00:04:16,793 --> 00:04:18,520
- It's not God, God's
- not flippin' that rock.
- 107
- 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:19,900
- Oh, you guys keep dancing on Sunday,
- 108
- 00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:22,203
- I'm gonna jack this place up.
- 109
- 00:04:23,410 --> 00:04:24,670
- You guys better start having sex
- 110
- 00:04:24,670 --> 00:04:25,790
- through a hole in a sheet again
- 111
- 00:04:25,790 --> 00:04:28,173
- or I'm gonna blow torch this place.
- 112
- 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,326
- Only the Mormons are
- gonna survive this shit.
- 113
- 00:04:31,326 --> 00:04:33,966
- (audience applauding)
- (audience laughing)
- 114
- 00:04:33,966 --> 00:04:34,799
- No.
- 115
- 00:04:37,673 --> 00:04:38,830
- There is!
- 116
- 00:04:38,830 --> 00:04:42,150
- There is actually a giant rock
- in space right now in orbit,
- 117
- 00:04:42,150 --> 00:04:43,680
- and one day is gonna pound into the Earth,
- 118
- 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:45,170
- and when it hits, it's gonna destroy
- 119
- 00:04:45,170 --> 00:04:48,356
- a million species instantly and Kanye.
- 120
- 00:04:48,356 --> 00:04:52,106
- (audience cheering)
- 121
- 00:04:52,106 --> 00:04:53,361
- I get it.
- 122
- 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,897
- I know he earned it.
- 123
- 00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:57,370
- Then it's gonna set
- the atmosphere on fire,
- 124
- 00:04:57,370 --> 00:04:58,597
- and that's gonna burn until
- almost all of us are gone,
- 125
- 00:04:58,597 --> 00:04:59,790
- and the survivors are gonna have
- 126
- 00:04:59,790 --> 00:05:02,120
- to live in an impact winter for an eon,
- 127
- 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,400
- till there's only three of us left:
- 128
- 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,209
- two guys and a girl.
- 129
- 00:05:06,209 --> 00:05:07,320
- (audience whooping)
- 130
- 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:08,850
- And you think they're
- gonna restart humanity,
- 131
- 00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:10,333
- but no, both guys are gay.
- 132
- 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,780
- So, they're gonna kill the girl for food
- 133
- 00:05:14,780 --> 00:05:16,130
- and steal her skinny jeans.
- 134
- 00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,760
- And then slowly make their
- way to Boca Raton, Florida
- 135
- 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,780
- where they're gonna live
- out their final gay days
- 136
- 00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:27,600
- wearing Speedos and shimmying
- to Katy Perry dance mixes
- 137
- 00:05:29,210 --> 00:05:30,543
- on a solar-powered iPod.
- 138
- 00:05:32,870 --> 00:05:34,210
- And when the last game man dies,
- 139
- 00:05:34,210 --> 00:05:35,270
- that'll be at for Humanity.
- 140
- 00:05:35,270 --> 00:05:38,920
- Everything we have done,
- everything we have built, gone,
- 141
- 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,220
- just another grain of
- sand in an empty universe
- 142
- 00:05:41,220 --> 00:05:42,370
- full of useless effort.
- 143
- 00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:46,327
- And that's how I'm dealing
- with the election (chuckles).
- 144
- 00:05:49,150 --> 00:05:50,870
- Oh, come on, you know it was a bad one
- 145
- 00:05:50,870 --> 00:05:54,260
- when a planet-killing meteor
- is my optimistic plan.
- 146
- 00:05:54,260 --> 00:05:56,630
- (audience applauding)
- (audience whooping)
- 147
- 00:05:56,630 --> 00:05:57,850
- Oh, come on!
- 148
- 00:05:57,850 --> 00:05:59,350
- I don't care what side you're on,
- 149
- 00:05:59,350 --> 00:06:02,040
- and by the way, there's
- only one side: American.
- 150
- 00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,575
- That's the only side there is.
- 151
- 00:06:04,575 --> 00:06:09,575
- (audience applauding)
- (audience whooping)
- 152
- 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,840
- But the last four people
- running for president, my God.
- 153
- 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,410
- I could've picked four better candidates
- 154
- 00:06:14,410 --> 00:06:15,500
- by just throwing a tennis ball
- 155
- 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,613
- into a severe trauma brain injury award.
- 156
- 00:06:19,030 --> 00:06:19,863
- Just chuck it in,
- 157
- 00:06:19,863 --> 00:06:22,230
- whoever goes, ball, and
- giggles, you're our candidate.
- 158
- 00:06:22,230 --> 00:06:23,063
- Come on out.
- 159
- 00:06:25,060 --> 00:06:26,090
- You got a good attitude.
- 160
- 00:06:26,090 --> 00:06:27,963
- You knew what a fuckin' ball was.
- 161
- 00:06:29,570 --> 00:06:31,043
- Come on, let's admit it.
- 162
- 00:06:31,043 --> 00:06:32,493
- Ted Cruz?
- 163
- 00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:33,677
- Ted Cruz?
- 164
- 00:06:33,677 --> 00:06:35,177
- - Whoa!
- - Ted Cruz!
- 165
- 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:40,230
- Every man in this room
- knows a guy like Ted Cruz,
- 166
- 00:06:40,230 --> 00:06:42,140
- who just roams the
- Earth with this sentence
- 167
- 00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:43,650
- constantly playing in his head:
- 168
- 00:06:43,650 --> 00:06:45,290
- no one's gonna wipe a booger on me again,
- 169
- 00:06:45,290 --> 00:06:47,390
- no one's gonna wipe a booger on me again.
- 170
- 00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:48,936
- And if they do, I'm gonna tattle.
- 171
- 00:06:48,936 --> 00:06:49,769
- Nyah!
- 172
- 00:06:53,456 --> 00:06:55,380
- Then you had Hillary, who's
- got this wake of bodies
- 173
- 00:06:55,380 --> 00:06:56,723
- behind her, allegedly.
- 174
- 00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:58,951
- Allegedly!
- 175
- 00:07:00,210 --> 00:07:03,030
- Allegedly, I'm sayin' allegedly
- 'cause I don't wanna die
- 176
- 00:07:03,030 --> 00:07:04,680
- in a suspicious one-car accident.
- 177
- 00:07:05,794 --> 00:07:09,564
- (audience applauding)
- 178
- 00:07:09,564 --> 00:07:10,764
- I know.
- 179
- 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:13,066
- Yeah.
- (audience cheering)
- 180
- 00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:14,643
- I know.
- 181
- 00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:17,070
- They're gonna find me an empty parking lot
- 182
- 00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:18,493
- leaning against my car door,
- 183
- 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,703
- trunk carpet fibers all over my body,
- 184
- 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,253
- suicide note written in
- a language I don't speak.
- 185
- 00:07:26,350 --> 00:07:27,183
- Allegedly.
- 186
- 00:07:27,183 --> 00:07:28,023
- Allegedly!
- 187
- 00:07:30,210 --> 00:07:31,690
- And then you had Trump,
- who was pretty amazing.
- 188
- 00:07:31,690 --> 00:07:33,880
- He made it to the entire election
- 189
- 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,810
- without finishing a fucking sentence.
- 190
- 00:07:37,810 --> 00:07:38,643
- It was insane.
- 191
- 00:07:38,643 --> 00:07:40,580
- Wrong, didn't happen,
- beautiful, best ever,
- 192
- 00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:41,853
- reciprocal.
- 193
- 00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:45,750
- Nobody peed on me.
- 194
- 00:07:45,750 --> 00:07:47,240
- Oh, oh, oh, that was almost a sentence.
- 195
- 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:48,183
- Nice job, dude.
- 196
- 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:50,050
- Yeah, we have a president
- 197
- 00:07:50,050 --> 00:07:51,390
- with no military experience
- 198
- 00:07:51,390 --> 00:07:54,113
- and no political experience,
- but he has jazz hands.
- 199
- 00:07:55,521 --> 00:07:59,198
- ♪ When you're a Jet,
- you're a Jet all the way ♪
- 200
- 00:07:59,198 --> 00:08:00,480
- What is that?
- 201
- 00:08:02,463 --> 00:08:04,370
- And I have to be honest.
- 202
- 00:08:04,370 --> 00:08:05,810
- I feel bad for you Trump people
- 203
- 00:08:05,810 --> 00:08:07,150
- 'cause you know damn well every time
- 204
- 00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:09,260
- that man heads towards a microphone,
- 205
- 00:08:09,260 --> 00:08:11,030
- you have anxiety, don't you?
- 206
- 00:08:11,030 --> 00:08:13,758
- (audience laughing)
- 207
- 00:08:13,758 --> 00:08:16,310
- And man, how many teleprompter guys
- 208
- 00:08:16,310 --> 00:08:20,340
- have shot themself in the
- face working with that dude?
- 209
- 00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:21,810
- 'Cause he's on the speech for a minute.
- 210
- 00:08:21,810 --> 00:08:22,810
- He's like, he's on the speech.
- 211
- 00:08:22,810 --> 00:08:23,643
- He's on the speech.
- 212
- 00:08:23,643 --> 00:08:24,476
- He's on the speech.
- 213
- 00:08:24,476 --> 00:08:25,918
- And then, oh, my God, he's gonna improv.
- 214
- 00:08:25,918 --> 00:08:26,751
- No!
- 215
- 00:08:28,046 --> 00:08:31,857
- (imitates gunfire banging)
- 216
- 00:08:31,857 --> 00:08:33,020
- And then you had Bernie; I like Bernie.
- 217
- 00:08:33,020 --> 00:08:34,060
- I thought Bernie was cool.
- 218
- 00:08:34,060 --> 00:08:35,913
- At the end, at the end, though,
- 219
- 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:38,430
- at the end though, after
- all that crap, though,
- 220
- 00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:39,280
- didn't Bernie come across
- 221
- 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,380
- like a real grumpy model train enthusiast?
- 222
- 00:08:43,121 --> 00:08:43,954
- Couldn't you just see him
- 223
- 00:08:43,954 --> 00:08:44,787
- in the basement of the White House?
- 224
- 00:08:44,787 --> 00:08:45,620
- Toot toot.
- 225
- 00:08:50,050 --> 00:08:51,760
- Mr. President, Vladimir
- Putin's on the phone.
- 226
- 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,360
- I told you don't bother me
- 227
- 00:08:55,030 --> 00:08:56,630
- when I'm playing with my trains.
- 228
- 00:08:58,270 --> 00:08:59,690
- This job takes up all my time.
- 229
- 00:08:59,690 --> 00:09:01,663
- I'd like to keep 1%, thank you.
- 230
- 00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:05,990
- And I had friends get crazy, too.
- 231
- 00:09:05,990 --> 00:09:06,890
- I had friends, after the election,
- 232
- 00:09:06,890 --> 00:09:07,980
- they got real fatalistic.
- 233
- 00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:09,457
- They just started yelling crazy stuff.
- 234
- 00:09:09,457 --> 00:09:10,530
- They're like, good, you know what?
- 235
- 00:09:10,530 --> 00:09:12,090
- I'm glad the insane guy won.
- 236
- 00:09:12,090 --> 00:09:12,923
- Good.
- 237
- 00:09:12,923 --> 00:09:15,022
- Let's just burn it down
- and start over, man.
- 238
- 00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:15,855
- Good.
- 239
- 00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:17,702
- Let's just nuke the whole
- thing and begin again.
- 240
- 00:09:17,702 --> 00:09:18,535
- Woo!
- 241
- 00:09:24,090 --> 00:09:25,683
- As fun as that sounds,
- 242
- 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:29,820
- I don't think it's gonna
- go the way you think.
- 243
- 00:09:30,810 --> 00:09:32,260
- Do you know why people
- say stupid crap like that?
- 244
- 00:09:32,260 --> 00:09:33,883
- Those damn Road Warrior movies.
- 245
- 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,380
- Yeah, we think we're
- gonna survive Armageddon.
- 246
- 00:09:37,380 --> 00:09:39,770
- In fact, every man in
- this room, right now,
- 247
- 00:09:39,770 --> 00:09:42,254
- believes he's gonna be
- Mad Max in the apocalypse.
- 248
- 00:09:42,254 --> 00:09:43,880
- (men cheering)
- 249
- 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,795
- Every single one.
- 250
- 00:09:45,795 --> 00:09:46,694
- Yeah.
- 251
- 00:09:46,694 --> 00:09:48,440
- Oh, yeah, I got seven guns
- 252
- 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,070
- and a case of Clif Bars, follow me.
- 253
- 00:09:50,070 --> 00:09:50,970
- Come on, let's go.
- 254
- 00:09:52,620 --> 00:09:53,453
- Well, hold on.
- 255
- 00:09:53,453 --> 00:09:54,460
- I gotta tweet my followers.
- 256
- 00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:55,863
- Let me tweet my followers.
- 257
- 00:09:57,454 --> 00:09:59,950
- Yeah, 'cause in 2018, (wheezy gasping),
- 258
- 00:09:59,950 --> 00:10:02,953
- we all have followers just like Jesus.
- 259
- 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,373
- Did they help you move?
- 260
- 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:10,793
- Did they lie for you in court?
- 261
- 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,044
- Then they ain't followers, are they?
- 262
- 00:10:14,044 --> 00:10:17,012
- (audience applauding)
- 263
- 00:10:17,012 --> 00:10:17,845
- It's crazy.
- 264
- 00:10:17,845 --> 00:10:21,128
- You guys...
- (audience whooping)
- 265
- 00:10:21,128 --> 00:10:23,570
- You guys do realize what
- these phones have done
- 266
- 00:10:23,570 --> 00:10:25,100
- to us now, selfie, selfie, selfie.
- 267
- 00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:26,490
- Is it any surprise we elected
- 268
- 00:10:26,490 --> 00:10:28,873
- the most narcissistic
- human being on the planet?
- 269
- 00:10:28,873 --> 00:10:30,650
- Selfie, selfie, selfie.
- 270
- 00:10:30,650 --> 00:10:31,620
- Get some damn friends.
- 271
- 00:10:31,620 --> 00:10:32,820
- Take some them-ies and us-ies.
- 272
- 00:10:32,820 --> 00:10:34,740
- Come on, goddammit.
- 273
- 00:10:34,740 --> 00:10:36,213
- Take more we-sies.
- 274
- 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,030
- You get who we are now, right?
- 275
- 00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:43,530
- We now take pictures of ourselves
- 276
- 00:10:43,530 --> 00:10:45,593
- to send to people we don't know,
- 277
- 00:10:46,740 --> 00:10:48,473
- to see what they think about us.
- 278
- 00:10:49,890 --> 00:10:52,413
- Did you get that picture
- of me that I took of me?
- 279
- 00:10:55,250 --> 00:10:57,903
- It's on my Instagram under
- Christopher Titus dot me.
- 280
- 00:11:00,620 --> 00:11:01,623
- Please comment,
- 281
- 00:11:02,820 --> 00:11:03,743
- on me.
- 282
- 00:11:05,510 --> 00:11:06,803
- Like me.
- 283
- 00:11:08,090 --> 00:11:09,113
- Follow me.
- 284
- 00:11:11,701 --> 00:11:12,534
- You know who does that?
- 285
- 00:11:12,534 --> 00:11:14,593
- Psychopaths, that's who does that.
- 286
- 00:11:15,670 --> 00:11:19,100
- And by the way, yeah, if you
- wanna follow me on Twitter
- 287
- 00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:20,800
- it's @TitusNation.
- 288
- 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,780
- (audience applauding)
- 289
- 00:11:22,780 --> 00:11:27,780
- Or The Real Christopher Titus on Facebook.
- 290
- 00:11:32,010 --> 00:11:33,580
- Those road, and by the way, gentleman,
- 291
- 00:11:33,580 --> 00:11:35,010
- you don't wanna be Mad Max.
- 292
- 00:11:35,010 --> 00:11:36,680
- Mad Max is always half a criminal.
- 293
- 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:37,580
- He's always busted up.
- 294
- 00:11:37,580 --> 00:11:38,420
- Looks like Rob Zombie
- 295
- 00:11:38,420 --> 00:11:41,363
- after a bad white water
- rafting accident, you know?
- 296
- 00:11:41,363 --> 00:11:42,870
- He's always got a leg brace,
- 297
- 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:45,350
- am eye patch made out of his old kneecap.
- 298
- 00:11:45,350 --> 00:11:47,410
- He's got a hole blown through his head
- 299
- 00:11:47,410 --> 00:11:49,920
- that he stuffed with a booby-trap grenade
- 300
- 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:50,753
- so when he gets caught,
- 301
- 00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:51,920
- he can say cool things like,
- 302
- 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:52,870
- go ahead, pull the pin.
- 303
- 00:11:52,870 --> 00:11:54,220
- You'll blow both our minds.
- 304
- 00:11:57,090 --> 00:11:58,740
- He's got some weird Armageddon dune buggy
- 305
- 00:11:58,740 --> 00:12:00,360
- with metal sticking off of it,
- 306
- 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:01,500
- some drifter changed to it,
- 307
- 00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:03,970
- following him through the wasteland.
- 308
- 00:12:03,970 --> 00:12:05,360
- Oh, the guy can't ride in the dune buggy
- 309
- 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,020
- 'cause Mad Max's dog sits
- in the passenger seat,
- 310
- 00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:10,630
- his two-legged dog that they
- haven't Killed for food yet
- 311
- 00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,070
- 'cause it's still got
- one good front left leg
- 312
- 00:12:12,070 --> 00:12:13,160
- and one good right back leg
- 313
- 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:16,143
- so it balances like a shitty
- table at a Chinese restaurant.
- 314
- 00:12:18,730 --> 00:12:20,303
- I want that dog, honestly.
- 315
- 00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:23,610
- I think those Road Warrior movies,
- 316
- 00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:26,170
- I think they're trying to
- get us ready for Armageddon
- 317
- 00:12:26,170 --> 00:12:28,690
- and how come everybody has a cool haircut
- 318
- 00:12:28,690 --> 00:12:29,713
- in the apocalypse?
- 319
- 00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:33,260
- All those movies, we can't
- find clean drinking water
- 320
- 00:12:33,260 --> 00:12:35,063
- but everybody gets a Mohawk,
- 321
- 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,660
- or spikes, or shaved with your name in it.
- 322
- 00:12:39,660 --> 00:12:42,150
- So Army Rangers and Navy
- Seals didn't make it
- 323
- 00:12:42,150 --> 00:12:45,153
- through the apocalypse but
- somehow stylists pulled it off?
- 324
- 00:12:48,739 --> 00:12:49,930
- I was at the shampoo station.
- 325
- 00:12:49,930 --> 00:12:50,763
- I heard a noise.
- 326
- 00:12:50,763 --> 00:12:51,596
- I hid under a desk.
- 327
- 00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:53,130
- I don't know what happened.
- 328
- 00:12:55,510 --> 00:12:57,088
- Now I'm chained to this
- asshole's dune buggy.
- 329
- 00:12:57,088 --> 00:12:57,921
- I don't get this at all.
- 330
- 00:12:57,921 --> 00:12:58,754
- What are we doing?
- 331
- 00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:04,030
- And that last Road
- Warrior movie, Fury Road?
- 332
- 00:13:04,030 --> 00:13:05,480
- Fury Road aside, gentlemen,
- 333
- 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,233
- there are no hot babes in the apocalypse.
- 334
- 00:13:09,336 --> 00:13:10,169
- - Now...
- 335
- 00:13:10,169 --> 00:13:12,300
- - Oh no, all the skinny hot
- chicks died of malnutrition,
- 336
- 00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:14,248
- lack of moisturizer, and ChapStick.
- 337
- 00:13:14,248 --> 00:13:15,808
- (audience cheering)
- 338
- 00:13:15,808 --> 00:13:16,776
- That's right.
- 339
- 00:13:16,776 --> 00:13:21,330
- And all that's left is those
- tube-titty bison females
- 340
- 00:13:21,330 --> 00:13:24,950
- that used to roam the
- cheese aisle at Walmart.
- 341
- 00:13:24,950 --> 00:13:26,050
- And they're not around either.
- 342
- 00:13:26,050 --> 00:13:27,040
- They're looked in in a room somewhere,
- 343
- 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,623
- getting milked to feed the bad guy's kids.
- 344
- 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,323
- Did you see the movie?
- 345
- 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,223
- 'Cause that scene is in the movie.
- 346
- 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:42,340
- So, now when you watch the
- movie, you're gonna giggle.
- 347
- 00:13:44,294 --> 00:13:45,840
- When I saw it, I didn't have me,
- 348
- 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,290
- so I went (guttural gagging).
- 349
- 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,107
- That movie pissed me off,
- 350
- 00:13:55,107 --> 00:13:58,280
- and so in the middle of
- the apocalyptic wasteland,
- 351
- 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:01,723
- four smoking hot runway models show up?
- 352
- 00:14:02,694 --> 00:14:04,533
- That does it even happened in porn.
- 353
- 00:14:07,283 --> 00:14:08,140
- And they're all beautiful,
- 354
- 00:14:08,140 --> 00:14:09,050
- Their makeup's perfect.
- 355
- 00:14:09,050 --> 00:14:09,883
- They're well-adjusted.
- 356
- 00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:10,716
- They all get along,
- 357
- 00:14:10,716 --> 00:14:12,053
- Well, now I know it's a movie.
- 358
- 00:14:14,403 --> 00:14:15,900
- They're all wearing hemp butt-thongs,
- 359
- 00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:17,080
- barely raped at all.
- 360
- 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:17,913
- Come on!
- 361
- 00:14:20,210 --> 00:14:22,410
- In the apocalypse?
- 362
- 00:14:22,410 --> 00:14:23,600
- Let me be very clear.
- 363
- 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:24,433
- I love women.
- 364
- 00:14:24,433 --> 00:14:27,059
- I think women are by far the better sex.
- 365
- 00:14:27,059 --> 00:14:30,667
- (audience whooping)
- I think they are, yes.
- 366
- 00:14:30,667 --> 00:14:31,500
- But...
- 367
- 00:14:32,770 --> 00:14:35,917
- In the apocalypse there's
- gonna be some rapin'.
- 368
- 00:14:38,841 --> 00:14:40,230
- And I know sometimes I'm gonna be
- 369
- 00:14:40,230 --> 00:14:41,720
- on the weeping side of that raping.
- 370
- 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:42,553
- I know that.
- 371
- 00:14:44,059 --> 00:14:45,257
- I know that.
- 372
- 00:14:45,257 --> 00:14:47,583
- You can't look like this
- and not expect that.
- 373
- 00:14:49,779 --> 00:14:50,612
- I know.
- 374
- 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:54,230
- I know, sir, my mouth is gorgeous.
- 375
- 00:14:54,230 --> 00:14:57,630
- I know!
- 376
- 00:15:00,937 --> 00:15:05,420
- And how are you Millennials
- gonna survive the apocalypse?
- 377
- 00:15:05,420 --> 00:15:07,161
- There's no app.
- 378
- 00:15:07,161 --> 00:15:09,561
- (audience laughing)
- 379
- 00:15:09,561 --> 00:15:10,394
- Yeah.
- 380
- 00:15:10,394 --> 00:15:13,240
- Millennials hate that joke, really.
- 381
- 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:14,073
- Shut up, I'll be fine.
- 382
- 00:15:14,073 --> 00:15:15,690
- I do what I always do, man.
- 383
- 00:15:15,690 --> 00:15:17,440
- Get up, get my 2/3 decaf latte,
- 384
- 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:18,540
- trim my lumberjack beard,
- 385
- 00:15:18,540 --> 00:15:20,240
- call an Uber and make it, brother.
- 386
- 00:15:22,197 --> 00:15:23,797
- My mom said I could be anything.
- 387
- 00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:27,937
- And I got a participation
- trophy to prove that.
- 388
- 00:15:27,937 --> 00:15:32,810
- (audience applauding)
- (audience cheering)
- 389
- 00:15:32,810 --> 00:15:33,660
- Yeah (chuckling).
- 390
- 00:15:35,730 --> 00:15:37,690
- A lot of you Millennials
- can barely light a candle
- 391
- 00:15:37,690 --> 00:15:39,263
- let alone change a tire.
- 392
- 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,350
- How the hell are you gonna
- distill drinking water
- 393
- 00:15:42,350 --> 00:15:43,940
- from a rusted hot tub your dead neighbor
- 394
- 00:15:43,940 --> 00:15:44,990
- is still floating in?
- 395
- 00:15:47,710 --> 00:15:49,490
- You can't cook and eat
- your girlfriend's Shitzu
- 396
- 00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:50,990
- if the microwave doesn't work.
- 397
- 00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:54,710
- Doesn't even beep anymore.
- 398
- 00:15:54,710 --> 00:15:55,918
- You better get on the internet.
- 399
- 00:15:55,918 --> 00:16:00,918
- (horrified gasping) There's no internet!
- 400
- 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,530
- So, can we all stop talking
- about burning our country down
- 401
- 00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:05,830
- 'cause it's getting this crazy?
- 402
- 00:16:05,830 --> 00:16:08,427
- 'Cause only two people win
- in the apocalypse: Mad Max
- 403
- 00:16:08,427 --> 00:16:10,750
- and the guy with the goat-head
- skull ventilator thing
- 404
- 00:16:10,750 --> 00:16:12,600
- and that's about it.
- 405
- 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,550
- The rest of us ground up into dust
- 406
- 00:16:14,550 --> 00:16:16,770
- and our bodies used to
- pave the road to Valhalla.
- 407
- 00:16:16,770 --> 00:16:18,730
- So instead of talking about
- burning our country down,
- 408
- 00:16:18,730 --> 00:16:19,960
- how 'bout we all just come together
- 409
- 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,700
- and fix this bitch called America?
- 410
- 00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:22,606
- How 'bout that?
- 411
- 00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:24,579
- (audience cheering)
- Yeah.
- 412
- 00:16:24,579 --> 00:16:25,544
- Fix this bitch.
- 413
- 00:16:25,544 --> 00:16:26,894
- Fix this bitch.
- 414
- 00:16:26,894 --> 00:16:27,972
- - Fix this bitch.
- 415
- 00:16:27,972 --> 00:16:29,144
- Fix this bitch.
- 416
- 00:16:29,144 --> 00:16:30,424
- Fix this bitch.
- 417
- 00:16:30,424 --> 00:16:31,640
- - Build a wall!
- 418
- 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:32,744
- Yes, we can!
- 419
- 00:16:32,744 --> 00:16:33,962
- I win her!
- 420
- 00:16:33,962 --> 00:16:35,130
- Blood and soil!
- 421
- 00:16:35,130 --> 00:16:37,170
- Yeah.
- 422
- 00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:38,190
- Yeah.
- 423
- 00:16:38,190 --> 00:16:39,640
- I think we all learned this year,
- 424
- 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,760
- if you can break your
- idea down to three words,
- 425
- 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,503
- dumbasses'll follow you anywhere.
- 426
- 00:16:45,594 --> 00:16:48,430
- (laughing)
- 427
- 00:16:48,430 --> 00:16:49,263
- Oh, come on!
- 428
- 00:16:49,263 --> 00:16:50,096
- Nazis are back.
- 429
- 00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:52,360
- We had khaki-pant wearing polo shirt Nazis
- 430
- 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:53,193
- out there this year.
- 431
- 00:16:53,193 --> 00:16:55,080
- That was insane.
- 432
- 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:55,913
- That was insane.
- 433
- 00:16:55,913 --> 00:16:57,683
- I don't think, they couldn't
- all be Nazis, you know?
- 434
- 00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,690
- I think some of them
- were Best Buy employees
- 435
- 00:16:59,690 --> 00:17:01,403
- walking through the park on the way home,
- 436
- 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,270
- and they just got sucked into the chant.
- 437
- 00:17:04,270 --> 00:17:05,877
- They're like, blood and soil!
- 438
- 00:17:05,877 --> 00:17:07,370
- Are we gardeners, what are we doing?
- 439
- 00:17:07,370 --> 00:17:08,830
- Gimme a torch, blood and soil.
- 440
- 00:17:08,830 --> 00:17:09,913
- What are we doin'?
- 441
- 00:17:12,670 --> 00:17:13,940
- Was a weird year, wasn't it?
- 442
- 00:17:13,940 --> 00:17:15,580
- We had so much weird stuff happening,
- 443
- 00:17:15,580 --> 00:17:17,300
- hurricanes lining up off the coast
- 444
- 00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:20,400
- like they're waiting for
- rides at Disneyland, man.
- 445
- 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:21,770
- They ran out of names at one point.
- 446
- 00:17:21,770 --> 00:17:22,654
- They're like, what do we name this one?
- 447
- 00:17:22,654 --> 00:17:24,487
- Zitigua, I don't know!
- 448
- 00:17:25,717 --> 00:17:26,550
- It was insane.
- 449
- 00:17:26,550 --> 00:17:28,180
- And the country, we were
- getting along so well.
- 450
- 00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:29,450
- God we haven't gotten along this good
- 451
- 00:17:29,450 --> 00:17:31,821
- since the Manson family
- picnic with the Tates.
- 452
- 00:17:31,821 --> 00:17:34,057
- (audience groaning)
- 453
- 00:17:34,057 --> 00:17:35,953
- (sporadic applause)
- 454
- 00:17:35,953 --> 00:17:36,786
- Well, really?
- 455
- 00:17:36,786 --> 00:17:38,342
- You mad?
- 456
- 00:17:38,342 --> 00:17:39,175
- Oh, shut up.
- 457
- 00:17:39,175 --> 00:17:41,577
- I waited 50 years to tell that joke.
- 458
- 00:17:42,467 --> 00:17:44,830
- You guys can't be mad at
- a 50-year-old reference.
- 459
- 00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:45,663
- My God.
- 460
- 00:17:47,950 --> 00:17:50,690
- World Health Organization
- proved that meat causes cancer.
- 461
- 00:17:50,690 --> 00:17:52,580
- Great, then the Super Bowl barbecue
- 462
- 00:17:52,580 --> 00:17:54,623
- is just a smoky-flavored war crime.
- 463
- 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,510
- Course none of us have
- to worry about cancer
- 464
- 00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,390
- 'cause climate change
- gonna drown half of us
- 465
- 00:17:59,390 --> 00:18:01,760
- and set the other half on fire.
- 466
- 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,993
- Oh, I'm so glad it doesn't exist.
- 467
- 00:18:06,810 --> 00:18:07,800
- It's a bad year.
- 468
- 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:08,633
- Prince is dead.
- 469
- 00:18:08,633 --> 00:18:10,503
- Prince can't die, he's imaginary.
- 470
- 00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:15,900
- And here's the sad thing for me.
- 471
- 00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:17,810
- I thought we were doing so well.
- 472
- 00:18:17,810 --> 00:18:18,680
- Human beings were doing,
- 473
- 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,120
- we're amazing, the stuff we do.
- 474
- 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:21,440
- I have a phone in my pocket right now,
- 475
- 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:22,273
- I hit one button,
- 476
- 00:18:22,273 --> 00:18:23,820
- calls anywhere in the planet in a second.
- 477
- 00:18:23,820 --> 00:18:26,130
- While I'm doing that, I can watch a video
- 478
- 00:18:26,130 --> 00:18:28,280
- of a young child hitting
- his father in the testicles
- 479
- 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:29,430
- with a Wiffle ball bat.
- 480
- 00:18:31,070 --> 00:18:33,253
- That is next level human being.
- 481
- 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,010
- We eradicated polio, got rid of smallpox,
- 482
- 00:18:37,010 --> 00:18:38,710
- made it possible to live with AIDS,
- 483
- 00:18:38,710 --> 00:18:40,120
- but we cannot crack the code
- 484
- 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,063
- on the vaccine for stupid, can we?
- 485
- 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,410
- How do you know if you're stupid?
- 486
- 00:18:45,410 --> 00:18:47,650
- Well, if your 10th grade English teacher
- 487
- 00:18:47,650 --> 00:18:50,152
- helped you write your
- third birth announcement,
- 488
- 00:18:50,152 --> 00:18:53,400
- (pained groaning)
- 489
- 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,356
- you're an idiot.
- 490
- 00:18:54,356 --> 00:18:56,425
- (audience applauding)
- 491
- 00:18:56,425 --> 00:18:59,613
- If you spell pregnant, preeg-nart,
- 492
- 00:19:01,727 --> 00:19:03,394
- that's another hint.
- 493
- 00:19:13,210 --> 00:19:14,850
- I'll tell you what this
- last election proved to me.
- 494
- 00:19:14,850 --> 00:19:15,720
- It proved to me what I'm not.
- 495
- 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:16,553
- I'm not a Democrat.
- 496
- 00:19:16,553 --> 00:19:17,530
- I'm not a Republican.
- 497
- 00:19:17,530 --> 00:19:19,120
- I'm not a conservative, not a liberal.
- 498
- 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:19,953
- I'm not a hobbit.
- 499
- 00:19:19,953 --> 00:19:20,786
- I'm not a orc.
- 500
- 00:19:22,405 --> 00:19:23,238
- I'm not Slytherin.
- 501
- 00:19:23,238 --> 00:19:24,071
- I'm not Gryffindor.
- 502
- 00:19:24,071 --> 00:19:26,090
- And I'm definitely not a Hufflepuff.
- 503
- 00:19:27,874 --> 00:19:29,960
- Yeah. Yeah.
- 504
- 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,123
- Yeah, screw that
- imaginary group of people.
- 505
- 00:19:33,470 --> 00:19:34,830
- I'm an independent, 100%.
- 506
- 00:19:34,830 --> 00:19:36,266
- I believe in the death penalty.
- 507
- 00:19:36,266 --> 00:19:39,640
- (crowd cheering)
- Yes.
- 508
- 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,320
- I believe in the death penalty,
- 509
- 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,950
- but I also believe that
- when you get convicted
- 510
- 00:19:42,950 --> 00:19:44,040
- of the death penalty,
- 511
- 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,360
- they should put you in a penalty box
- 512
- 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,253
- and you get beaten to
- death by hockey players.
- 513
- 00:19:47,253 --> 00:19:52,253
- (audience applauding)
- (audience cheering)
- 514
- 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,190
- But if it's lethal injection,
- 515
- 00:19:55,190 --> 00:19:57,040
- it should be organic and gluten-free.
- 516
- 00:19:59,290 --> 00:20:01,640
- Somebody might have an
- allergy, you don't know.
- 517
- 00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:04,580
- I'm getting kinda itchy in here.
- 518
- 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,863
- My last meal was supposed
- to have a Claritin.
- 519
- 00:20:16,482 --> 00:20:17,420
- I believe in abortion
- 520
- 00:20:17,420 --> 00:20:19,270
- but only if the mother is exercising
- 521
- 00:20:19,270 --> 00:20:22,093
- her Second Amendment
- rights while performing it.
- 522
- 00:20:22,093 --> 00:20:24,009
- (nervous laughing)
- 523
- 00:20:24,009 --> 00:20:25,493
- (scattered applause)
- 524
- 00:20:25,493 --> 00:20:26,663
- Well.
- 525
- 00:20:26,663 --> 00:20:28,023
- Well.
- 526
- 00:20:28,023 --> 00:20:30,110
- I guess somebody loves the Constitution
- 527
- 00:20:30,110 --> 00:20:32,263
- a lot more than other people in Arizona.
- 528
- 00:20:34,631 --> 00:20:35,464
- When I wrote that joke,
- 529
- 00:20:35,464 --> 00:20:38,017
- I knew it was gonna get that reaction.
- 530
- 00:20:38,017 --> 00:20:39,608
- And my brain went, say it anyway,
- 531
- 00:20:39,608 --> 00:20:40,458
- and I said, okay.
- 532
- 00:20:43,030 --> 00:20:44,373
- Let me tell you the problem
- with America right now.
- 533
- 00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:46,470
- It's the same problem throughout history.
- 534
- 00:20:46,470 --> 00:20:48,450
- The problem with America
- right now is they,
- 535
- 00:20:48,450 --> 00:20:49,510
- they who run things.
- 536
- 00:20:49,510 --> 00:20:50,620
- You, know all they want is money,
- 537
- 00:20:50,620 --> 00:20:51,453
- all they want is power.
- 538
- 00:20:51,453 --> 00:20:53,450
- They all have small penises, even Hillary.
- 539
- 00:20:55,540 --> 00:20:56,790
- She's swinging something.
- 540
- 00:20:58,290 --> 00:20:59,730
- They're the ones who start the wars.
- 541
- 00:20:59,730 --> 00:21:01,160
- They're the one who crashed the economy.
- 542
- 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:02,910
- Did you crash the economy, sir?
- 543
- 00:21:02,910 --> 00:21:03,743
- - Nope.
- - No, what do you
- 544
- 00:21:03,743 --> 00:21:05,240
- do for a living?
- 545
- 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,610
- - Maintenance.
- - Maintenance. (laughing)
- 546
- 00:21:07,610 --> 00:21:08,443
- That's kinda vague.
- 547
- 00:21:08,443 --> 00:21:11,023
- Sounds kinda drug dealer-y, right there.
- 548
- 00:21:11,023 --> 00:21:12,320
- What do you do, maintenance.
- 549
- 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:13,390
- Do you need some more?
- 550
- 00:21:13,390 --> 00:21:14,890
- Good, I got some, here you go.
- 551
- 00:21:15,940 --> 00:21:17,290
- You maintaining, all right.
- 552
- 00:21:18,830 --> 00:21:20,780
- Maintenance, of course you
- didn't crash the economy.
- 553
- 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,430
- Did the start the Iraq War, dude?
- 554
- 00:21:22,430 --> 00:21:23,310
- No, of course you didn't.
- 555
- 00:21:23,310 --> 00:21:24,320
- You worked at Ruby Tuesdays
- 556
- 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:25,960
- and pray to God the
- hostess wasn't pregnant.
- 557
- 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,550
- I swear to God that's what you did.
- 558
- 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:31,410
- No, course we didn't.
- 559
- 00:21:31,410 --> 00:21:32,690
- We never have anything to do with that.
- 560
- 00:21:32,690 --> 00:21:34,130
- It's always they, and who are they?
- 561
- 00:21:34,130 --> 00:21:35,240
- Well, in America's history,
- 562
- 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:38,480
- they are always old, ancient,
- silver-haired white men.
- 563
- 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,043
- A lot of 'em are Draculas.
- 564
- 00:21:42,066 --> 00:21:43,577
- And they all have that thing
- (tenor vocal burbling).
- 565
- 00:21:47,946 --> 00:21:49,727
- I called the Sith Lord flap.
- 566
- 00:21:53,866 --> 00:21:56,930
- Paul Ryan's got a little one.
- (falsetto vocal burbling)
- 567
- 00:21:56,930 --> 00:21:57,980
- Obama had one.
- 568
- 00:21:57,980 --> 00:21:59,473
- He just calmed it back, cool.
- 569
- 00:22:01,330 --> 00:22:03,260
- He made it look good.
- 570
- 00:22:03,260 --> 00:22:04,660
- Mitch McConnell, (heavy
- bass vocal burbling).
- 571
- 00:22:06,495 --> 00:22:07,990
- All right, I don't want
- to make too much fun
- 572
- 00:22:07,990 --> 00:22:09,390
- of Mitch McConnell 'cause I loved his work
- 573
- 00:22:09,390 --> 00:22:11,013
- as the pelican in Finding Nemo.
- 574
- 00:22:13,847 --> 00:22:14,680
- Awesome.
- 575
- 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:18,690
- That's who they are,
- 576
- 00:22:18,690 --> 00:22:19,740
- and what they did this year,
- 577
- 00:22:19,740 --> 00:22:21,180
- I've never seen it this bad.
- 578
- 00:22:21,180 --> 00:22:23,010
- They convinced everybody in America
- 579
- 00:22:23,010 --> 00:22:24,110
- it was us versus them,
- 580
- 00:22:24,110 --> 00:22:25,560
- Democrats verus Republicans,
- 581
- 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,020
- Republicans versus Democrats.
- 582
- 00:22:27,020 --> 00:22:28,450
- We couldn't get along.
- 583
- 00:22:28,450 --> 00:22:30,530
- In fact, everybody in this room right now
- 584
- 00:22:30,530 --> 00:22:32,730
- has an opinion about
- someone who doesn't agree
- 585
- 00:22:32,730 --> 00:22:33,563
- with them politically.
- 586
- 00:22:33,563 --> 00:22:34,396
- Am I right?
- 587
- 00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:35,229
- Hell, yeah.
- 588
- 00:22:35,229 --> 00:22:36,650
- Every conservative in this room
- 589
- 00:22:36,650 --> 00:22:39,420
- is a four-wheel truck driving,
- sister-screwing redneck
- 590
- 00:22:39,420 --> 00:22:41,710
- and every liberal eats kale salad
- 591
- 00:22:41,710 --> 00:22:42,810
- out the butt of his boyfriend.
- 592
- 00:22:42,810 --> 00:22:43,669
- Am I right?
- 593
- 00:22:43,669 --> 00:22:44,690
- (audience cheering)
- 594
- 00:22:44,690 --> 00:22:45,830
- Yeah.
- 595
- 00:22:45,830 --> 00:22:48,583
- Drizzled in raspberry balsamic, come on!
- 596
- 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:52,680
- That's what we think about each other.
- 597
- 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:53,513
- It's crazy.
- 598
- 00:22:53,513 --> 00:22:55,490
- Same ol', same country, same people, too.
- 599
- 00:22:55,490 --> 00:22:57,740
- If I asked you, if I asked you liberals
- 600
- 00:22:57,740 --> 00:22:59,730
- to get up here and do an
- impression of a conservative,
- 601
- 00:22:59,730 --> 00:23:01,660
- you guys would lose your minds.
- 602
- 00:23:01,660 --> 00:23:02,856
- Oh, my God, lemme do it, lemme do it,
- 603
- 00:23:02,856 --> 00:23:05,090
- lemme do it, lemme do it, lemme do it.
- 604
- 00:23:05,090 --> 00:23:05,977
- I'm doin' it.
- 605
- 00:23:05,977 --> 00:23:07,720
- I'm gonna do it, I'm just sayin'.
- 606
- 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,020
- Don't make me laugh,
- Marcia, I got this, okay.
- 607
- 00:23:14,380 --> 00:23:15,213
- Stop it.
- 608
- 00:23:16,750 --> 00:23:19,183
- All right, my impression
- of a conservative.
- 609
- 00:23:22,759 --> 00:23:25,798
- (audience laughing)
- 610
- 00:23:25,798 --> 00:23:27,278
- Well, I went to the Walmarts
- 611
- 00:23:27,278 --> 00:23:28,930
- and I got me a seventh gun,
- 612
- 00:23:28,930 --> 00:23:31,630
- then headed down to Plan
- Obama at the abortion clinic.
- 613
- 00:23:31,630 --> 00:23:33,130
- Then I went way downtown and kicked
- 614
- 00:23:33,130 --> 00:23:36,333
- a young black feller in
- the testiculars, yep.
- 615
- 00:23:36,333 --> 00:23:38,560
- Now I'm going out to a KKK rally
- 616
- 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:39,730
- at a Ted Nugent concert
- 617
- 00:23:39,730 --> 00:23:41,640
- where I'm gonna shoot me
- an endangered species.
- 618
- 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:42,473
- Yee-haw!
- 619
- 00:23:44,614 --> 00:23:47,223
- (audience cheering)
- 620
- 00:23:47,223 --> 00:23:48,723
- You would think...
- 621
- 00:23:50,794 --> 00:23:52,521
- If I asked you
- conservatives to get up here
- 622
- 00:23:52,521 --> 00:23:53,540
- and do an impression of a liberal,
- 623
- 00:23:53,540 --> 00:23:55,040
- you guys would beat each other's ass
- 624
- 00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:55,873
- to get on the stage.
- 625
- 00:23:55,873 --> 00:23:57,200
- (imitating punching thuds)
- 626
- 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,803
- Shut up, Bobby, I'm doin' it.
- 627
- 00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:02,397
- 'Cause I'm better at it than you.
- 628
- 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:05,633
- Go ahead get up.
- 629
- 00:24:08,070 --> 00:24:08,960
- All right, here's my
- impression of a liberal.
- 630
- 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,612
- (glass dings)
- 631
- 00:24:10,612 --> 00:24:11,890
- (harsh nasal snorting)
- 632
- 00:24:11,890 --> 00:24:12,723
- Was that round one?
- 633
- 00:24:12,723 --> 00:24:13,923
- What the hell just happened?
- 634
- 00:24:19,783 --> 00:24:21,790
- All right, my impression of liberal.
- 635
- 00:24:21,790 --> 00:24:25,530
- Here we go. (harsh throat hacking)
- 636
- 00:24:25,530 --> 00:24:27,430
- I'll tell you when it's okay to laugh.
- 637
- 00:24:29,180 --> 00:24:31,050
- All right, liberal (heavy grunting).
- 638
- 00:24:31,050 --> 00:24:31,883
- Here we go.
- 639
- 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,093
- Oh my God, you won't
- believe what happened.
- 640
- 00:24:39,060 --> 00:24:41,580
- I was at my job helping
- the lesbian manatees
- 641
- 00:24:41,580 --> 00:24:44,890
- and somebody used the word Oriental
- 642
- 00:24:44,890 --> 00:24:46,323
- and I lost my shit.
- 643
- 00:24:48,332 --> 00:24:49,500
- I went down to the ACLU
- 644
- 00:24:49,500 --> 00:24:50,727
- and I filed a hate crime, goddammit.
- 645
- 00:24:50,727 --> 00:24:54,298
- And I was so upset on the way
- home, I adopted a petting zoo.
- 646
- 00:24:54,298 --> 00:24:56,080
- (snorting laugh)
- 647
- 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,153
- I actually have a lama that's a rescue.
- 648
- 00:24:59,687 --> 00:25:00,820
- Now I'm on my way downtown,
- 649
- 00:25:00,820 --> 00:25:03,670
- 'cause inside, I'm really a
- woman and I am transitioning,
- 650
- 00:25:04,954 --> 00:25:07,100
- and I will use any damn bathroom I want,
- 651
- 00:25:07,100 --> 00:25:08,760
- and I will molest children like I work
- 652
- 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:10,333
- for the U.S. Olympic Committee.
- 653
- 00:25:10,333 --> 00:25:13,890
- (audience groaning)
- 654
- 00:25:13,890 --> 00:25:14,723
- Really?
- 655
- 00:25:14,723 --> 00:25:16,830
- (audience cheering)
- 656
- 00:25:16,830 --> 00:25:19,233
- Be mad all you want, at least I'm current.
- 657
- 00:25:22,182 --> 00:25:24,440
- I don't know anybody like that.
- 658
- 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,840
- I take that back, I know
- three people like that.
- 659
- 00:25:28,342 --> 00:25:29,700
- Two live in Prescott, Arizona,
- 660
- 00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:30,800
- one lives in Berkeley.
- 661
- 00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:33,837
- And I'm related to one of 'em.
- 662
- 00:25:34,730 --> 00:25:36,330
- I don't know anybody like that.
- 663
- 00:25:36,330 --> 00:25:38,260
- You know, it's not us
- and them, the people,
- 664
- 00:25:38,260 --> 00:25:39,570
- it's we the people,
- 665
- 00:25:39,570 --> 00:25:40,403
- and we forgot that.
- 666
- 00:25:40,403 --> 00:25:43,060
- And be clear, we do not have to agree
- 667
- 00:25:43,060 --> 00:25:45,843
- but we have to get along
- or this shit burns down.
- 668
- 00:25:45,843 --> 00:25:49,494
- (audience cheering)
- (audience applauding)
- 669
- 00:25:49,494 --> 00:25:51,911
- But, if we could get together
- 670
- 00:25:53,980 --> 00:25:55,440
- and show up in Washington together,
- 671
- 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,060
- red baseball hats, pink pussy hats,
- 672
- 00:25:57,060 --> 00:25:58,077
- how ya doin'?
- 673
- 00:25:59,990 --> 00:26:01,230
- Yeah we worked our stuff out,
- 674
- 00:26:01,230 --> 00:26:02,210
- and I gotta be honest.
- 675
- 00:26:02,210 --> 00:26:05,093
- I love lavender organic
- potpourri, I ain't lyin'.
- 676
- 00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:09,020
- And I don't think meat is murder anymore
- 677
- 00:26:09,020 --> 00:26:10,595
- unless you eat people.
- 678
- 00:26:10,595 --> 00:26:12,332
- (audience laughing)
- 679
- 00:26:12,332 --> 00:26:15,582
- (audience applauding)
- 680
- 00:26:16,883 --> 00:26:17,716
- We?
- 681
- 00:26:19,250 --> 00:26:23,073
- We show up, they are fucked.
- 682
- 00:26:24,860 --> 00:26:25,902
- They wouldn't know--
- (audience whooping)
- 683
- 00:26:25,902 --> 00:26:28,480
- Yeah.
- 684
- 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:30,080
- They wouldn't know what to do.
- 685
- 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:31,220
- They'd have to have a meeting.
- 686
- 00:26:31,220 --> 00:26:33,830
- The meeting would go like
- this (rapid tenor burbling).
- 687
- 00:26:38,912 --> 00:26:42,270
- (falsetto burbling)
- 688
- 00:26:42,270 --> 00:26:43,880
- And then after that meeting,
- 689
- 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:47,823
- they would do what they always
- do when we go after they.
- 690
- 00:26:48,750 --> 00:26:51,703
- They would invent a new them.
- 691
- 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:54,763
- Over there.
- 692
- 00:26:55,830 --> 00:26:56,950
- Always a brown them.
- 693
- 00:26:56,950 --> 00:26:58,590
- Have you noticed?
- 694
- 00:26:58,590 --> 00:26:59,920
- Oh yeah, Iraq, brown them,
- 695
- 00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:00,900
- Vietnam, brown them.
- 696
- 00:27:00,900 --> 00:27:03,700
- We're all worried about
- the brown them of Mexico
- 697
- 00:27:03,700 --> 00:27:06,010
- coming across the border right now.
- 698
- 00:27:06,010 --> 00:27:07,520
- Yeah, it's all brown them.
- 699
- 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:08,630
- Man, we're all scared to death
- 700
- 00:27:08,630 --> 00:27:10,330
- of a North Korean Asian weird haircutted,
- 701
- 00:27:10,330 --> 00:27:12,193
- weird little fat guy them.
- 702
- 00:27:14,380 --> 00:27:16,190
- Anybody here really afraid of North Korea?
- 703
- 00:27:16,190 --> 00:27:17,310
- 'Cause I got to be honest.
- 704
- 00:27:17,310 --> 00:27:18,750
- I can throw a Frisbee farther
- 705
- 00:27:18,750 --> 00:27:20,591
- than North Korea can launch a missile.
- 706
- 00:27:20,591 --> 00:27:23,652
- (audience applauding)
- 707
- 00:27:23,652 --> 00:27:24,485
- (audience whistling)
- 708
- 00:27:24,485 --> 00:27:26,853
- With a ton more accuracy.
- 709
- 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:29,730
- That's why Japan was mad.
- 710
- 00:27:29,730 --> 00:27:30,563
- They didn't care about a nuke,
- 711
- 00:27:30,563 --> 00:27:31,472
- they don't know he doesn't have it.
- 712
- 00:27:31,472 --> 00:27:35,472
- They were like, he don't
- know where it gonna go.
- 713
- 00:27:36,687 --> 00:27:38,520
- Got to worry about the
- brown them in Syria.
- 714
- 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:39,740
- Syria's got chemical weapons.
- 715
- 00:27:39,740 --> 00:27:41,850
- Syria has always had chemical weapons.
- 716
- 00:27:41,850 --> 00:27:43,180
- And they been at war
- with a bunch of people
- 717
- 00:27:43,180 --> 00:27:44,540
- they can't beat with Russians helping.
- 718
- 00:27:44,540 --> 00:27:46,170
- The guys they're fighting
- are attacking them
- 719
- 00:27:46,170 --> 00:27:47,843
- driving Toyota pickup trucks.
- 720
- 00:27:49,450 --> 00:27:51,520
- Gimme two boys from
- Tennessee and one tank.
- 721
- 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:54,160
- We will jack up some Toyota pickup trucks.
- 722
- 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:56,440
- (audience applauding)
- 723
- 00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,760
- Yeah, but that's the way they do it.
- 724
- 00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:01,090
- That's the way they keep we separate,
- 725
- 00:28:01,090 --> 00:28:02,600
- talking about the them, you know?
- 726
- 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:03,910
- And also, that the brown them
- 727
- 00:28:03,910 --> 00:28:05,070
- always hates our white Jesus.
- 728
- 00:28:05,070 --> 00:28:07,010
- Remember that, oh, they hate Christianity.
- 729
- 00:28:07,010 --> 00:28:08,400
- Oh, the brown them hates Christianity,
- 730
- 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:09,460
- they hate the white Jesus.
- 731
- 00:28:09,460 --> 00:28:10,300
- And I have to say this,
- 732
- 00:28:10,300 --> 00:28:13,230
- white Jesus in the Middle
- East, in the desert?
- 733
- 00:28:13,230 --> 00:28:14,063
- Really?
- 734
- 00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:21,350
- Is Santa Claus also a telepathic unicorn
- 735
- 00:28:21,350 --> 00:28:25,530
- because had Jesus shown up at that time,
- 736
- 00:28:25,530 --> 00:28:29,723
- this color, they woulda
- killed him a lot faster.
- 737
- 00:28:31,159 --> 00:28:33,370
- (audience whooping)
- 738
- 00:28:33,370 --> 00:28:35,493
- The Bible would have been a pamphlet.
- 739
- 00:28:37,769 --> 00:28:39,950
- Woulda looked like a Bed
- Bath & Beyond coupon.
- 740
- 00:28:39,950 --> 00:28:42,020
- I don't know.
- 741
- 00:28:42,020 --> 00:28:42,853
- They're handing out Bibles.
- 742
- 00:28:42,853 --> 00:28:44,440
- Says I get 20% off my immortal soul.
- 743
- 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:45,633
- That's pretty good.
- 744
- 00:28:47,019 --> 00:28:47,852
- I'm gonna put that in a drawer.
- 745
- 00:28:47,852 --> 00:28:48,973
- It's good till April a.d.
- 746
- 00:28:52,730 --> 00:28:53,563
- So, don't buy it,
- 747
- 00:28:53,563 --> 00:28:54,850
- 'cause this whole thing
- that's going on right now
- 748
- 00:28:54,850 --> 00:28:56,890
- with our government is gonna get weirder.
- 749
- 00:28:56,890 --> 00:28:58,210
- Stay we.
- 750
- 00:28:58,210 --> 00:29:01,220
- Don't let they distract you with the them.
- 751
- 00:29:01,220 --> 00:29:05,529
- And one more thing: do not
- tell they we talked about this.
- 752
- 00:29:05,529 --> 00:29:10,529
- (audience cheering)
- (audience applauding)
- 753
- 00:29:12,350 --> 00:29:14,763
- I may disappear.
- 754
- 00:29:15,990 --> 00:29:18,410
- Or they will turn me into a them,
- 755
- 00:29:18,410 --> 00:29:20,030
- and then I'll be in
- Russia with Edward Snowden
- 756
- 00:29:20,030 --> 00:29:21,403
- going, you got any threes?
- 757
- 00:29:28,917 --> 00:29:29,834
- Weird time.
- 758
- 00:29:31,400 --> 00:29:33,250
- Weird time, weird time.
- 759
- 00:29:33,250 --> 00:29:34,820
- Poorly-educated got
- pissed during election.
- 760
- 00:29:34,820 --> 00:29:35,899
- They kept saying that on the news,
- 761
- 00:29:35,899 --> 00:29:38,300
- the poorly-educated are
- voting big for Trump.
- 762
- 00:29:38,300 --> 00:29:39,470
- The poorly-educated love Trump,
- 763
- 00:29:39,470 --> 00:29:40,303
- they're voting through the roof for Trump.
- 764
- 00:29:40,303 --> 00:29:43,130
- They poorly-educated
- think Trump is amazing.
- 765
- 00:29:43,130 --> 00:29:44,780
- Say what you want about
- Trump, like him or hate him,
- 766
- 00:29:44,780 --> 00:29:47,940
- you have to admit this man has no filter
- 767
- 00:29:47,940 --> 00:29:50,442
- and the biggest balls of
- anybody we put in that office.
- 768
- 00:29:50,442 --> 00:29:51,590
- (audience applauding)
- 769
- 00:29:51,590 --> 00:29:52,870
- Yeah, yeah.
- 770
- 00:29:52,870 --> 00:29:53,840
- So did Hitler.
- 771
- 00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:54,673
- Don't clap.
- 772
- 00:29:56,453 --> 00:29:57,830
- I got a lot of friends that got big balls
- 773
- 00:29:57,830 --> 00:30:01,100
- and I don't invite 'em over to
- parties at my house anymore,
- 774
- 00:30:01,100 --> 00:30:02,613
- because the cops follow.
- 775
- 00:30:04,870 --> 00:30:06,900
- Trump had the balls to
- get on stage in front
- 776
- 00:30:06,900 --> 00:30:08,780
- of thousands of people
- after that poll came out
- 777
- 00:30:08,780 --> 00:30:11,437
- and he said, "I love the poorly-educated.
- 778
- 00:30:11,437 --> 00:30:14,210
- "I love the poorly-educated."
- 779
- 00:30:14,210 --> 00:30:16,783
- And the poorly-educated
- were like, he loves us.
- 780
- 00:30:23,197 --> 00:30:25,403
- And he made fun of us
- in the same sentence.
- 781
- 00:30:27,300 --> 00:30:28,380
- I think he did, I ain't sure.
- 782
- 00:30:28,380 --> 00:30:29,603
- I'm poorly-educated.
- 783
- 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:32,050
- I got to be honest with you,
- 784
- 00:30:32,050 --> 00:30:34,190
- I don't love the poorly-educated.
- 785
- 00:30:34,190 --> 00:30:35,097
- They're dumb as shit.
- 786
- 00:30:35,097 --> 00:30:37,047
- (audience laughing)
- 787
- 00:30:37,047 --> 00:30:38,930
- (audience clapping)
- (audience whooping)
- 788
- 00:30:38,930 --> 00:30:41,950
- And they have never helped, not one time.
- 789
- 00:30:41,950 --> 00:30:45,130
- Nothing cool was ever
- invented by a dumbass.
- 790
- 00:30:45,130 --> 00:30:46,900
- Never happen.
- 791
- 00:30:46,900 --> 00:30:48,530
- They've never cured a disease.
- 792
- 00:30:48,530 --> 00:30:49,690
- They didn't fix your car better.
- 793
- 00:30:49,690 --> 00:30:51,030
- They didn't fix your phone.
- 794
- 00:30:51,030 --> 00:30:52,330
- You know, when the poorly-educated
- 795
- 00:30:52,330 --> 00:30:54,030
- do built something, it always falls over
- 796
- 00:30:54,030 --> 00:30:56,243
- and crushes the meth lab, every time!
- 797
- 00:30:58,890 --> 00:31:01,230
- The poorly-educated can suck my left nut,
- 798
- 00:31:01,230 --> 00:31:02,850
- thank you very much.
- 799
- 00:31:02,850 --> 00:31:05,500
- And, why can I talk smack
- about the poorly-educated?
- 800
- 00:31:05,500 --> 00:31:08,119
- Because I, ha ha, am one of them.
- 801
- 00:31:08,119 --> 00:31:09,224
- (audience whooping)
- (audience applauding)
- 802
- 00:31:09,224 --> 00:31:10,057
- Yes!
- 803
- 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:15,033
- I am the poorly-educated Lizard King.
- 804
- 00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:18,220
- I'm not making that up,
- I'm not making that,
- 805
- 00:31:18,220 --> 00:31:19,640
- I did not graduate high school.
- 806
- 00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:20,713
- I was let go.
- 807
- 00:31:23,366 --> 00:31:25,990
- I was laid off from my senior year.
- 808
- 00:31:25,990 --> 00:31:28,540
- I showed up and they went,
- we filled your position.
- 809
- 00:31:30,140 --> 00:31:31,210
- Said, but I'm not done.
- 810
- 00:31:31,210 --> 00:31:32,223
- Oh, yes, you are.
- 811
- 00:31:33,450 --> 00:31:34,440
- And I'm not making that up.
- 812
- 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:36,760
- California public schools,
- at that time, were so bad.
- 813
- 00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:38,610
- It didn't matter what grade you got,
- 814
- 00:31:38,610 --> 00:31:40,520
- they just kept herding
- you through the system.
- 815
- 00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:41,600
- They're like, moo-ve.
- 816
- 00:31:42,907 --> 00:31:43,740
- Moo-ve!
- 817
- 00:31:44,870 --> 00:31:46,920
- Couldn't spell move, but I was movin' on.
- 818
- 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:50,173
- I'm not making this up.
- 819
- 00:31:50,173 --> 00:31:51,770
- And I'm not stupid, obviously,
- 820
- 00:31:51,770 --> 00:31:54,358
- but I'm uneducated, you know?
- 821
- 00:31:54,358 --> 00:31:57,403
- I was just smart enough to
- know I was a raging idiot.
- 822
- 00:31:59,210 --> 00:32:00,090
- I'm not making this up.
- 823
- 00:32:00,090 --> 00:32:02,600
- My last report card of my 8th grade year,
- 824
- 00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:05,443
- I got four Fs and a D,
- 825
- 00:32:06,316 --> 00:32:07,816
- and I was like, D!
- 826
- 00:32:13,202 --> 00:32:14,035
- And I went to my teachers,
- 827
- 00:32:14,035 --> 00:32:14,960
- ah, I guess I'll be back next year.
- 828
- 00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:17,353
- They went, no, no, no,
- you're a ninth grader now.
- 829
- 00:32:19,936 --> 00:32:21,270
- - Yeah!
- 830
- 00:32:21,270 --> 00:32:23,423
- - Nine is the number after eight.
- 831
- 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:28,310
- So, I had to get smart after school
- 832
- 00:32:28,310 --> 00:32:30,370
- because I wanted to be a comedian.
- 833
- 00:32:30,370 --> 00:32:33,040
- And just to be clear, this is the only job
- 834
- 00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:34,743
- I am qualified to do.
- 835
- 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:39,193
- And I've already pissed some
- of you off doing it tonight.
- 836
- 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:42,610
- But as a comedian, you have to know
- 837
- 00:32:42,610 --> 00:32:43,660
- what you're talkin about.
- 838
- 00:32:43,660 --> 00:32:44,890
- You can't just make stuff up.
- 839
- 00:32:44,890 --> 00:32:46,080
- You can't be like, Abe Lincoln
- 840
- 00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:48,232
- was the best Cambodian
- president we ever had.
- 841
- 00:32:48,232 --> 00:32:49,210
- You know?
- 842
- 00:32:49,210 --> 00:32:51,080
- 'Member the kimchi wars of 1312
- 843
- 00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:52,880
- we signed the Declaration of Codependence?
- 844
- 00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:53,853
- That was insane.
- 845
- 00:32:55,402 --> 00:32:57,392
- You just look like a dumbass.
- 846
- 00:32:57,392 --> 00:32:59,190
- So to be good at comedy,
- so I was accurate,
- 847
- 00:32:59,190 --> 00:33:00,450
- I started studying after school.
- 848
- 00:33:00,450 --> 00:33:03,180
- I did, I went back and I studied history,
- 849
- 00:33:03,180 --> 00:33:05,435
- and science, and math.
- 850
- 00:33:05,435 --> 00:33:07,635
- I haven't written a
- whole lot of math jokes.
- 851
- 00:33:10,235 --> 00:33:12,443
- And when I did, the exponent was wrong.
- 852
- 00:33:14,850 --> 00:33:16,965
- And that's the only math
- joke I have ever written.
- 853
- 00:33:16,965 --> 00:33:19,662
- (audience cheering)
- 854
- 00:33:19,662 --> 00:33:21,329
- Thank you very much.
- 855
- 00:33:25,104 --> 00:33:27,203
- And I don't understand it.
- 856
- 00:33:31,730 --> 00:33:33,930
- So now, when I want to write
- comedy about something,
- 857
- 00:33:33,930 --> 00:33:35,250
- I have to study it really hard,
- 858
- 00:33:35,250 --> 00:33:37,620
- and I've been studying the
- alt-right for the while now,
- 859
- 00:33:37,620 --> 00:33:38,453
- the alternate right.
- 860
- 00:33:38,453 --> 00:33:39,830
- They said, Trump got
- helped by the alt-right.
- 861
- 00:33:39,830 --> 00:33:41,220
- The alternative right helped Trump.
- 862
- 00:33:41,220 --> 00:33:42,560
- If you don't know what the alt-right is,
- 863
- 00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:43,900
- best definition I can give you
- 864
- 00:33:43,900 --> 00:33:45,130
- is it rhymes with all white.
- 865
- 00:33:45,130 --> 00:33:46,563
- Let's leave it there.
- 866
- 00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:49,200
- And thank God.
- 867
- 00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,300
- Thank God somebody is finally standing up
- 868
- 00:33:51,300 --> 00:33:53,323
- for the oppressed white man in America.
- 869
- 00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:55,720
- We have had that boot heel of oppression
- 870
- 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:58,000
- on our necks for how long, gentlemen?
- 871
- 00:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,650
- My God, we haven't committed genocide
- 872
- 00:33:59,650 --> 00:34:01,440
- on a brown people in a coon's age!
- 873
- 00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:02,307
- Am I right?
- 874
- 00:34:02,307 --> 00:34:03,640
- (audience laughing)
- 875
- 00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:06,890
- (audience whooping)
- 876
- 00:34:06,890 --> 00:34:09,273
- Let's a white guilt flow, whitey, come on.
- 877
- 00:34:11,180 --> 00:34:13,350
- Yeah, amazing to me.
- 878
- 00:34:13,350 --> 00:34:15,190
- 240 years of white presidents.
- 879
- 00:34:15,190 --> 00:34:17,983
- We had a one black guy
- and whitey had a stroke.
- 880
- 00:34:19,150 --> 00:34:20,547
- 43 white guys, one black guy,
- 881
- 00:34:20,547 --> 00:34:22,320
- and white people are
- like, no more black guys,
- 882
- 00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:23,600
- no more black guys, no, no, no.
- 883
- 00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:24,500
- Why? Why?
- 884
- 00:34:24,500 --> 00:34:27,050
- I'll tell you why, the NBA and golf.
- 885
- 00:34:27,050 --> 00:34:28,740
- Right there, that's why, right there.
- 886
- 00:34:28,740 --> 00:34:30,440
- And those sisters took over tennis,
- 887
- 00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:32,270
- and North Korea's got ping pong.
- 888
- 00:34:32,270 --> 00:34:33,103
- All we got left is white guys,
- 889
- 00:34:33,103 --> 00:34:34,300
- and you throw that thing on the ice,
- 890
- 00:34:34,300 --> 00:34:35,246
- and you sweep in front of it.
- 891
- 00:34:35,246 --> 00:34:36,079
- That's all we got.
- 892
- 00:34:36,079 --> 00:34:37,128
- That's all we got!
- 893
- 00:34:37,128 --> 00:34:38,545
- Look like idiots.
- 894
- 00:34:39,527 --> 00:34:40,930
- And a woman president?
- 895
- 00:34:40,930 --> 00:34:43,523
- Are you out of your (blows raspberries).
- 896
- 00:34:43,523 --> 00:34:46,660
- No, no, no, I don't care if
- she most qualified we ever had.
- 897
- 00:34:46,660 --> 00:34:50,063
- Emails, Benghazi, Bill
- Clinton's deplorable penis, ah!
- 898
- 00:34:51,938 --> 00:34:54,938
- (audience laughing)
- 899
- 00:34:57,490 --> 00:34:59,470
- Yeah, we didn't want a
- vagina in the White House
- 900
- 00:34:59,470 --> 00:35:02,346
- so we voted for the
- other side of the taint.
- 901
- 00:35:02,346 --> 00:35:03,952
- (audience groaning)
- 902
- 00:35:03,952 --> 00:35:06,690
- (audience chortling)
- (audience applauding)
- 903
- 00:35:06,690 --> 00:35:07,523
- Good joke.
- 904
- 00:35:08,513 --> 00:35:10,170
- Good joke.
- 905
- 00:35:10,170 --> 00:35:11,003
- Good joke.
- 906
- 00:35:12,219 --> 00:35:15,620
- I know, even the Trump people
- gotta be like, all right.
- 907
- 00:35:15,620 --> 00:35:18,310
- That's a good joke,
- that's a really good joke.
- 908
- 00:35:18,310 --> 00:35:21,473
- Lemme tell you how good
- that joke actually is.
- 909
- 00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:24,190
- So, I got rid of my old
- show, Born with a Defect.
- 910
- 00:35:24,190 --> 00:35:25,910
- I wrote it and filmed
- it, just got rid of it.
- 911
- 00:35:25,910 --> 00:35:26,743
- And I always write new stuff
- 912
- 00:35:26,743 --> 00:35:27,900
- 'cause I always want you guys to come back
- 913
- 00:35:27,900 --> 00:35:28,733
- and see new material.
- 914
- 00:35:28,733 --> 00:35:29,610
- You know, it's not fair to you guys,
- 915
- 00:35:29,610 --> 00:35:30,443
- keep me repeating stuff.
- 916
- 00:35:30,443 --> 00:35:31,710
- So, I wrote the new show,
- 917
- 00:35:31,710 --> 00:35:33,200
- and I've been doing this so long
- 918
- 00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:35,660
- I don't check where I go anymore.
- 919
- 00:35:35,660 --> 00:35:36,850
- So, that Monday, I called my agent.
- 920
- 00:35:36,850 --> 00:35:37,710
- I go, where am I going this weekend?
- 921
- 00:35:37,710 --> 00:35:38,703
- He goes, Alabama.
- 922
- 00:35:39,838 --> 00:35:42,838
- (audience laughing)
- 923
- 00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:44,633
- No.
- 924
- 00:35:46,861 --> 00:35:48,580
- I am not going to Alabama
- 925
- 00:35:49,770 --> 00:35:51,753
- because Kevlar is expensive.
- 926
- 00:35:54,941 --> 00:35:55,774
- But if you know me at all,
- 927
- 00:35:55,774 --> 00:35:57,850
- you know damn well I'm going to Alabama.
- 928
- 00:35:57,850 --> 00:35:59,370
- I figure if I get shot,
- 929
- 00:35:59,370 --> 00:36:00,327
- I'll be super famous,
- 930
- 00:36:00,327 --> 00:36:02,463
- and I could really use a bump right now.
- 931
- 00:36:04,660 --> 00:36:06,780
- Yeah, I've been I've been thinking
- 932
- 00:36:06,780 --> 00:36:09,430
- about sexually assaulted
- somebody just for the press.
- 933
- 00:36:11,090 --> 00:36:12,790
- Sign up sheet at the door, ladies.
- 934
- 00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:16,687
- Or dudes, let's get weird,
- whatever you wanna do.
- 935
- 00:36:21,078 --> 00:36:22,300
- So, I go to Alabama.
- 936
- 00:36:22,300 --> 00:36:23,730
- First night, I'm in Birmingham, Alabama,
- 937
- 00:36:23,730 --> 00:36:26,070
- and the show was so raw at the time.
- 938
- 00:36:26,070 --> 00:36:29,540
- I have 40 new pages, I'm
- reading them off a stool.
- 939
- 00:36:29,540 --> 00:36:31,000
- And I think that's what saved me,
- 940
- 00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:34,080
- 'cause in Alabama, they couldn't
- believe I could do that.
- 941
- 00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:37,380
- (audience laughing)
- 942
- 00:36:37,380 --> 00:36:39,390
- They were like, he looks at the paper
- 943
- 00:36:39,390 --> 00:36:40,950
- and then says what it says.
- 944
- 00:36:40,950 --> 00:36:42,523
- He's like a warlock.
- 945
- 00:36:46,741 --> 00:36:50,010
- And I wish I was only being
- half truthful about that joke.
- 946
- 00:36:50,010 --> 00:36:52,180
- The second night, though, I
- went to Huntsville, Alabama.
- 947
- 00:36:52,180 --> 00:36:53,330
- Huntsville, Alabama is different
- 948
- 00:36:53,330 --> 00:36:55,290
- because you don't wanna
- just make fun of Alabama,
- 949
- 00:36:55,290 --> 00:36:56,620
- 'cause it's got all the aerospace there,
- 950
- 00:36:56,620 --> 00:36:58,550
- Lockheed is there, you know,
- 951
- 00:36:58,550 --> 00:37:00,660
- and all this crazy
- aerospace, NASA's there.
- 952
- 00:37:00,660 --> 00:37:02,280
- So in Huntsville, Alabama
- 953
- 00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:06,410
- it's rednecks and rocket scientists,
- 954
- 00:37:06,410 --> 00:37:08,943
- and they been a-minglin' since the '60s.
- 955
- 00:37:10,130 --> 00:37:13,140
- So you meet some weird ass
- people in Huntsville, Alabama.
- 956
- 00:37:13,140 --> 00:37:15,790
- Yeah, we figured out the
- orbit of Alpha Centauri
- 957
- 00:37:15,790 --> 00:37:17,057
- for the next 1,500 years
- 958
- 00:37:17,057 --> 00:37:20,123
- and my mama makes a damn
- good lizard cornbread.
- 959
- 00:37:25,925 --> 00:37:26,758
- So, I go to Huntsville.
- 960
- 00:37:26,758 --> 00:37:28,140
- It's a brand new club.
- 961
- 00:37:28,140 --> 00:37:29,490
- I'm the opening, grand opening
- 962
- 00:37:29,490 --> 00:37:31,520
- because they know Titus is
- gonna tell goofy stories
- 963
- 00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:34,720
- about his dad. (chuckling)
- 964
- 00:37:34,720 --> 00:37:36,123
- And I'm doing this show.
- 965
- 00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:38,310
- And it was going well.
- 966
- 00:37:38,310 --> 00:37:39,144
- There's some smart people in the audience.
- 967
- 00:37:39,144 --> 00:37:40,380
- Everybody's cool, you know?
- 968
- 00:37:40,380 --> 00:37:41,213
- They were laughing, a lot of 'em.
- 969
- 00:37:41,213 --> 00:37:43,293
- There was like nine people
- that really enjoyed it.
- 970
- 00:37:45,135 --> 00:37:46,660
- And there was a table right over here
- 971
- 00:37:46,660 --> 00:37:48,800
- of eight people and these people looked
- 972
- 00:37:49,670 --> 00:37:51,693
- like they had swamp-boated in.
- 973
- 00:37:53,607 --> 00:37:54,650
- I am not kidding.
- 974
- 00:37:54,650 --> 00:37:57,873
- Everything you think Alabama
- is was sitting at that table.
- 975
- 00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:00,720
- One guy had a beard this long,
- 976
- 00:38:00,720 --> 00:38:03,190
- looked like Uncle Jesse
- from Dukes of Hazzard.
- 977
- 00:38:03,190 --> 00:38:06,670
- I keep calling him Duck
- Dynasty the whole show.
- 978
- 00:38:06,670 --> 00:38:08,220
- Audience laughs, he doesn't laugh
- 979
- 00:38:08,220 --> 00:38:09,970
- 'cause he thinks it's a compliment.
- 980
- 00:38:13,810 --> 00:38:15,930
- But the man next to
- him is this giant Bubba
- 981
- 00:38:15,930 --> 00:38:17,330
- wearing a red white and blue jersey
- 982
- 00:38:17,330 --> 00:38:20,647
- that says 45 and Trump
- across the shoulder.
- 983
- 00:38:20,647 --> 00:38:21,560
- (audience groans in dismay)
- 984
- 00:38:21,560 --> 00:38:22,760
- And I'm doing this show.
- 985
- 00:38:24,660 --> 00:38:26,803
- Both guys are watching the show like this.
- 986
- 00:38:29,730 --> 00:38:31,157
- I get to that joke.
- 987
- 00:38:31,157 --> 00:38:32,930
- Ah, didn't want a vagina
- in the White House
- 988
- 00:38:32,930 --> 00:38:34,780
- so we voted for the
- other side of the taint.
- 989
- 00:38:34,780 --> 00:38:36,640
- And the guy with the beard goes...
- 990
- 00:38:40,170 --> 00:38:41,531
- All right, goddammit, that's pretty funny.
- 991
- 00:38:41,531 --> 00:38:43,013
- All right, (mumbles).
- 992
- 00:38:43,013 --> 00:38:46,494
- And I was like, comedy
- can heal the nation, yes!
- 993
- 00:38:46,494 --> 00:38:48,472
- (audience applauding)
- (audience cheering)
- 994
- 00:38:48,472 --> 00:38:49,305
- Yes!
- 995
- 00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:53,533
- Punchlines will bring us together.
- 996
- 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:57,573
- We will bridge the chasm with sarcasm.
- 997
- 00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:01,820
- So, let's talk about the
- alt-right for a second.
- 998
- 00:39:01,820 --> 00:39:03,650
- The alt-right is a group of white guys
- 999
- 00:39:03,650 --> 00:39:05,010
- that believe America should be
- 1000
- 00:39:05,010 --> 00:39:07,590
- a all-white country
- like it always has been
- 1001
- 00:39:07,590 --> 00:39:09,993
- because they don't read a lot.
- 1002
- 00:39:12,900 --> 00:39:14,380
- They don't like immigration, brown people,
- 1003
- 00:39:14,380 --> 00:39:15,270
- black people, and Jews.
- 1004
- 00:39:15,270 --> 00:39:18,580
- Oh, oh, oh, oh, and they
- hate political correctness.
- 1005
- 00:39:18,580 --> 00:39:20,243
- They wanna keep it ra-zeal.
- 1006
- 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:23,193
- Really?
- 1007
- 00:39:24,350 --> 00:39:25,670
- You hate political correctness,
- 1008
- 00:39:25,670 --> 00:39:27,440
- and why would you call
- yourself the alternative right?
- 1009
- 00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:30,090
- You sound like a shitty
- Miley Cyrus metal cover band.
- 1010
- 00:39:32,390 --> 00:39:34,693
- We're the alt-right and
- we're gonna rock you.
- 1011
- 00:39:36,696 --> 00:39:38,700
- Because if you don't like immigration,
- 1012
- 00:39:38,700 --> 00:39:40,300
- brown people, black people, and Jews,
- 1013
- 00:39:40,300 --> 00:39:43,313
- the non-political-correct term is Nazi.
- 1014
- 00:39:45,820 --> 00:39:46,991
- You're a Nazi.
- 1015
- 00:39:46,991 --> 00:39:48,441
- And, and, hey.
- 1016
- 00:39:48,441 --> 00:39:49,740
- I'm not calling you a Nazi.
- 1017
- 00:39:49,740 --> 00:39:52,390
- Let's just go to the chart
- 'cause it matches exactly.
- 1018
- 00:39:53,260 --> 00:39:55,910
- In fact, if you didn't know
- that's what a Nazi was,
- 1019
- 00:39:55,910 --> 00:39:57,650
- you guys are like Nazi-stradamus.
- 1020
- 00:39:57,650 --> 00:39:58,963
- That's amazing to me.
- 1021
- 00:40:00,610 --> 00:40:02,880
- And why would you spend
- all that money and time
- 1022
- 00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:04,960
- marketing a new name when
- you already got a logo
- 1023
- 00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:06,253
- that everybody knows?
- 1024
- 00:40:09,202 --> 00:40:10,780
- And that real cool high five?
- 1025
- 00:40:10,780 --> 00:40:11,882
- Come on, man.
- 1026
- 00:40:11,882 --> 00:40:15,049
- (audience applauding)
- 1027
- 00:40:16,310 --> 00:40:17,143
- I love it.
- 1028
- 00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:19,610
- The alternative right,
- 1029
- 00:40:19,610 --> 00:40:22,023
- we don't call serial
- killers cadaver creators.
- 1030
- 00:40:24,490 --> 00:40:27,303
- You guys don't buy your drugs
- from a street CEO, do you?
- 1031
- 00:40:28,660 --> 00:40:30,860
- Yes, I scored my meth
- today from the president
- 1032
- 00:40:30,860 --> 00:40:33,510
- of the company and his office
- is behind the Dumpster.
- 1033
- 00:40:34,831 --> 00:40:36,281
- I believe they're remodeling.
- 1034
- 00:40:37,900 --> 00:40:40,720
- If you're a Nazi, just say you're a Nazi,
- 1035
- 00:40:40,720 --> 00:40:42,003
- you fuckin' Nazi.
- 1036
- 00:40:44,842 --> 00:40:46,010
- I can't believe they're coming back, man.
- 1037
- 00:40:46,010 --> 00:40:47,110
- That Charlottesville thing,
- 1038
- 00:40:47,110 --> 00:40:50,810
- that was a ragtag ass group
- of Nazis, was that not?
- 1039
- 00:40:50,810 --> 00:40:52,603
- That was not the varsity.
- 1040
- 00:40:54,370 --> 00:40:58,193
- I have never been
- offended for Nazis before.
- 1041
- 00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:01,993
- Those guys needed a seminar, man.
- 1042
- 00:41:02,830 --> 00:41:06,480
- They need like a Tony Robbins
- Nazi to help their ass out.
- 1043
- 00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:09,103
- I would like to welcome
- everyone to the seminar!
- 1044
- 00:41:14,227 --> 00:41:15,730
- I would like to point
- some of you were late.
- 1045
- 00:41:15,730 --> 00:41:17,020
- Nazis aren't late!
- 1046
- 00:41:21,378 --> 00:41:24,380
- Now, I have a couple of
- announcements before we get started.
- 1047
- 00:41:24,380 --> 00:41:27,919
- At the break we will be having juice.
- 1048
- 00:41:27,919 --> 00:41:30,919
- (audience laughing)
- 1049
- 00:41:31,818 --> 00:41:34,100
- (audience applauding)
- 1050
- 00:41:34,100 --> 00:41:35,150
- You don't like juice?
- 1051
- 00:41:37,190 --> 00:41:38,833
- I love fresh-squeezed juice.
- 1052
- 00:41:45,320 --> 00:41:47,330
- So Nazis, let's talk about the details.
- 1053
- 00:41:47,330 --> 00:41:50,930
- I saw the Charlottesville
- video, and all I have to say
- 1054
- 00:41:50,930 --> 00:41:51,830
- is (rapid tsking).
- 1055
- 00:41:56,020 --> 00:41:57,253
- Details.
- 1056
- 00:41:58,180 --> 00:42:01,163
- Nazis do not wear Lynyrd
- Skynyrd tee-shirts.
- 1057
- 00:42:02,860 --> 00:42:04,750
- We hate the Lynyrd Skynyrd.
- 1058
- 00:42:05,830 --> 00:42:07,229
- We like the Eagles.
- 1059
- 00:42:07,229 --> 00:42:08,999
- (audience laughing)
- 1060
- 00:42:08,999 --> 00:42:11,719
- (audience applauding)
- 1061
- 00:42:11,719 --> 00:42:12,552
- Yes.
- 1062
- 00:42:14,740 --> 00:42:16,873
- It's on all the logos.
- 1063
- 00:42:18,890 --> 00:42:19,950
- Some other details:
- 1064
- 00:42:19,950 --> 00:42:21,550
- I saw the flags you were flying.
- 1065
- 00:42:21,550 --> 00:42:23,793
- Yes, yes I saw the flags you were flying,
- 1066
- 00:42:24,778 --> 00:42:26,466
- the Confederate flag,
- 1067
- 00:42:26,466 --> 00:42:29,090
- (speaks in foreign
- language) the Nazi flag.
- 1068
- 00:42:29,090 --> 00:42:30,870
- Which, by the way, don't tell anyone,
- 1069
- 00:42:30,870 --> 00:42:33,470
- were two of the biggest
- historic losers of all time.
- 1070
- 00:42:35,138 --> 00:42:35,971
- Sh.
- 1071
- 00:42:38,378 --> 00:42:40,830
- But I noticed as you were flying the flag,
- 1072
- 00:42:40,830 --> 00:42:41,894
- they were all wrinkled
- 1073
- 00:42:41,894 --> 00:42:43,393
- (speaks in foreign language) crinkled.
- 1074
- 00:42:45,840 --> 00:42:46,673
- Details.
- 1075
- 00:42:46,673 --> 00:42:50,143
- Nazis, if you're going to hate, steam.
- 1076
- 00:42:50,143 --> 00:42:53,143
- (audience laughing)
- 1077
- 00:42:55,343 --> 00:42:58,510
- (audience applauding)
- 1078
- 00:42:59,413 --> 00:43:03,573
- That is my favorite joke of the new show.
- 1079
- 00:43:03,573 --> 00:43:06,573
- (audience cheering)
- 1080
- 00:43:07,422 --> 00:43:08,339
- And well...
- 1081
- 00:43:10,542 --> 00:43:11,480
- There's a lot of reasons
- why they say Trump won.
- 1082
- 00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:13,013
- It's not because he's the best guy.
- 1083
- 00:43:13,013 --> 00:43:13,846
- There's a lot of reasons.
- 1084
- 00:43:13,846 --> 00:43:15,180
- They said, oh, he won because
- Obamacare was too bad.
- 1085
- 00:43:15,180 --> 00:43:17,210
- I disagree, I think it's
- 'cause Obamacare was too good.
- 1086
- 00:43:17,210 --> 00:43:18,043
- I'm not making this up.
- 1087
- 00:43:18,043 --> 00:43:19,343
- The top 10 states that voted for Trump
- 1088
- 00:43:19,343 --> 00:43:20,840
- are also the top 10 states
- 1089
- 00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:23,860
- with the highest
- prescription opioid abuse,
- 1090
- 00:43:23,860 --> 00:43:26,453
- so Obamacare was working its ass off.
- 1091
- 00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,743
- People had all their drugs
- in Costco quantities.
- 1092
- 00:43:32,060 --> 00:43:34,250
- And here's what bothers me about that:
- 1093
- 00:43:34,250 --> 00:43:36,140
- you get busted for driving high
- 1094
- 00:43:36,140 --> 00:43:38,423
- but you can vote high whenever you want>
- 1095
- 00:43:39,290 --> 00:43:40,850
- That's where we need
- some damn checkpoints,
- 1096
- 00:43:40,850 --> 00:43:41,850
- at the voting booth.
- 1097
- 00:43:42,950 --> 00:43:44,140
- Have just troopers lined up,
- 1098
- 00:43:44,140 --> 00:43:44,973
- the wrong guy comes in.
- 1099
- 00:43:44,973 --> 00:43:48,180
- Woo, I'm here to vote for my man, Don T.
- 1100
- 00:43:48,180 --> 00:43:50,850
- Sir, can you step out of line, please sir?
- 1101
- 00:43:50,850 --> 00:43:52,090
- Yes sir, step over here, sir.
- 1102
- 00:43:52,090 --> 00:43:54,563
- I'm gonna give you a voter
- sobriety test right now.
- 1103
- 00:43:55,710 --> 00:43:57,513
- No, sir, there's no spelling, relax.
- 1104
- 00:44:00,898 --> 00:44:02,890
- (audience whooping)
- 1105
- 00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,570
- Sir, I'm gonna ask you a couple question
- 1106
- 00:44:04,570 --> 00:44:05,410
- and based on your answers,
- 1107
- 00:44:05,410 --> 00:44:06,810
- we're gonna determine
- whether you're capable
- 1108
- 00:44:06,810 --> 00:44:08,100
- of voting in an American election.
- 1109
- 00:44:08,100 --> 00:44:09,100
- Are you ready?
- 1110
- 00:44:09,100 --> 00:44:10,500
- Sir, do you think 9/11 was a hoax?
- 1111
- 00:44:10,500 --> 00:44:13,280
- Hell, yeah and then chem
- trails killed my dog.
- 1112
- 00:44:13,280 --> 00:44:14,570
- Get on the floor, right now!
- 1113
- 00:44:14,570 --> 00:44:16,012
- Get on the floor!
- 1114
- 00:44:16,012 --> 00:44:17,412
- Get on the floor!
- 1115
- 00:44:17,412 --> 00:44:19,212
- Back away from the booth, right now!
- 1116
- 00:44:21,241 --> 00:44:22,074
- Yeah.
- 1117
- 00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:24,880
- Yeah, I got one.
- 1118
- 00:44:25,810 --> 00:44:26,643
- Can I tase him?
- 1119
- 00:44:28,258 --> 00:44:31,327
- (imitates electric buzzing)
- Sorry, I tased him.
- 1120
- 00:44:31,327 --> 00:44:34,015
- No, no, no, we're good,
- my body camera was off.
- 1121
- 00:44:34,015 --> 00:44:35,807
- (audience laughing)
- 1122
- 00:44:35,807 --> 00:44:38,905
- (audience applauding)
- (audience whooping)
- 1123
- 00:44:38,905 --> 00:44:39,738
- Yeah?
- 1124
- 00:44:41,510 --> 00:44:44,020
- So, here's what I think
- happened in those states.
- 1125
- 00:44:44,020 --> 00:44:45,650
- Pico woke up the day after the election,
- 1126
- 00:44:45,650 --> 00:44:48,280
- like damn, baby, what
- did we do last night?
- 1127
- 00:44:49,363 --> 00:44:51,130
- Why I can barely feel my right leg.
- 1128
- 00:44:51,130 --> 00:44:51,963
- That was a good night.
- 1129
- 00:44:51,963 --> 00:44:52,796
- I don't remember nothing.
- 1130
- 00:44:52,796 --> 00:44:53,629
- You remember anything?
- 1131
- 00:44:53,629 --> 00:44:54,933
- Whoo, ha ha.
- 1132
- 00:44:57,650 --> 00:45:02,473
- Baby, I got a sticker on
- my forehead says I voted.
- 1133
- 00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:06,510
- Quick, let's see what happened.
- 1134
- 00:45:06,510 --> 00:45:08,092
- Turn on the learnin' box.
- 1135
- 00:45:08,092 --> 00:45:11,175
- (audience laughing)
- 1136
- 00:45:17,921 --> 00:45:19,000
- And the news was crazy.
- 1137
- 00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:20,233
- The news says things this last election,
- 1138
- 00:45:20,233 --> 00:45:21,066
- I didn't get it.
- 1139
- 00:45:21,066 --> 00:45:22,630
- They kept saying things like,
- 1140
- 00:45:22,630 --> 00:45:25,000
- the disenfranchised white
- male worker's voting big,
- 1141
- 00:45:25,000 --> 00:45:25,850
- big for Trump.
- 1142
- 00:45:25,850 --> 00:45:26,920
- The disenfranchised white male
- 1143
- 00:45:26,920 --> 00:45:28,117
- from the rust belt states just loves Trump
- 1144
- 00:45:28,117 --> 00:45:29,200
- and is voting big.
- 1145
- 00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:30,530
- The disenfranchised white male.
- 1146
- 00:45:30,530 --> 00:45:32,960
- How come when I black guy
- doesn't have a job, he's lazy,
- 1147
- 00:45:32,960 --> 00:45:34,190
- but when I white guy doesn't have a job,
- 1148
- 00:45:34,190 --> 00:45:35,683
- he's disenfranchised?
- 1149
- 00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:39,040
- No, I'm not unemployed.
- 1150
- 00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:42,723
- I'm disenfranchised and this
- is an amazing Chardonnay.
- 1151
- 00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:47,320
- Black people, I have to be honest,
- 1152
- 00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:48,290
- it's the only time in my life,
- 1153
- 00:45:48,290 --> 00:45:49,730
- it's the one reason I'm happy I'm white.
- 1154
- 00:45:49,730 --> 00:45:51,440
- That's my word, I use it all the time.
- 1155
- 00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:53,900
- No, no, no my ex-wife did not cheat on me,
- 1156
- 00:45:53,900 --> 00:45:56,702
- she disenfranchised me
- with two other gentlemen.
- 1157
- 00:45:56,702 --> 00:45:57,835
- (audience laughing)
- 1158
- 00:45:57,835 --> 00:45:58,668
- (audience applauding)
- 1159
- 00:45:58,668 --> 00:46:03,130
- Yes, and then, her lawyer disenfranchised
- 1160
- 00:46:03,130 --> 00:46:04,883
- the shit out of my bank account.
- 1161
- 00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:07,870
- It was a bad year.
- 1162
- 00:46:07,870 --> 00:46:10,713
- I was bent over a table and
- repeatedly disenfranchised.
- 1163
- 00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:17,008
- (audience whooping)
- 1164
- 00:46:17,008 --> 00:46:19,810
- Such a bullshit word, man.
- 1165
- 00:46:19,810 --> 00:46:21,873
- It sounds like the Taco Bell
- near you got closed down,
- 1166
- 00:46:21,873 --> 00:46:23,060
- doesn't it?
- 1167
- 00:46:23,060 --> 00:46:25,783
- No more Gorditas, guys,
- we've been disenfranchised.
- 1168
- 00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:30,210
- But there's a grain of truth in it,
- 1169
- 00:46:30,210 --> 00:46:31,740
- there's a grain of truth
- in that reason, man.
- 1170
- 00:46:31,740 --> 00:46:32,670
- You know why, 'cause in America
- 1171
- 00:46:32,670 --> 00:46:33,840
- we are taught from the second we're born
- 1172
- 00:46:33,840 --> 00:46:35,890
- you can be or do anything in America.
- 1173
- 00:46:35,890 --> 00:46:37,260
- The American dream, right?
- 1174
- 00:46:37,260 --> 00:46:39,170
- The land of opportunity, you can be in it.
- 1175
- 00:46:39,170 --> 00:46:41,210
- If you start with zero,
- you could be a millionaire.
- 1176
- 00:46:41,210 --> 00:46:43,090
- In America, you can be anything.
- 1177
- 00:46:43,090 --> 00:46:44,190
- And after you hear that your whole life,
- 1178
- 00:46:44,190 --> 00:46:46,480
- you find yourself 40, 50 years
- old, you haven't made it.
- 1179
- 00:46:46,480 --> 00:46:47,530
- You're pissed.
- 1180
- 00:46:47,530 --> 00:46:49,793
- I was there when I was 18, frankly.
- 1181
- 00:46:51,130 --> 00:46:52,480
- No, because we had this kid in our school,
- 1182
- 00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:53,750
- Rod Kana-maka-pua.
- 1183
- 00:46:53,750 --> 00:46:56,060
- Yeah, he was Hawaiian,
- so he was a brown them.
- 1184
- 00:46:56,060 --> 00:46:56,893
- Ho-ho.
- 1185
- 00:46:58,398 --> 00:46:59,980
- And then I found out Hawaii was a state,
- 1186
- 00:46:59,980 --> 00:47:00,830
- so I let that go.
- 1187
- 00:47:04,830 --> 00:47:06,220
- But Rod was our valedictorian.
- 1188
- 00:47:06,220 --> 00:47:09,150
- Straight A student,
- lettered in four sports.
- 1189
- 00:47:09,150 --> 00:47:11,640
- On top of that, he was a nice guy.
- 1190
- 00:47:11,640 --> 00:47:12,945
- Fuck him.
- 1191
- 00:47:12,945 --> 00:47:17,945
- (audience laughing)
- (audience applauding)
- 1192
- 00:47:19,140 --> 00:47:21,160
- We all know that, yet I was
- mad at him for a long time,
- 1193
- 00:47:21,160 --> 00:47:22,710
- 'cause he went to MIT,
- full-ride scholarship,
- 1194
- 00:47:22,710 --> 00:47:24,060
- started a company, made a bunch of money.
- 1195
- 00:47:24,060 --> 00:47:26,040
- And I remember being mad
- for a long time at this guy,
- 1196
- 00:47:26,040 --> 00:47:27,500
- and then one day, I woke up to the fact
- 1197
- 00:47:27,500 --> 00:47:29,770
- I can't be mad at somebody
- who went to class,
- 1198
- 00:47:29,770 --> 00:47:31,090
- got a degree and started a company
- 1199
- 00:47:31,090 --> 00:47:34,033
- while I bought four jet
- skis at 21% interest.
- 1200
- 00:47:37,082 --> 00:47:38,880
- I could have gone to a
- community college, you know,
- 1201
- 00:47:38,880 --> 00:47:40,420
- but instead I moved to a rural area
- 1202
- 00:47:40,420 --> 00:47:41,253
- where things were cheaper,
- 1203
- 00:47:41,253 --> 00:47:42,280
- and there's a lot of people like me.
- 1204
- 00:47:42,280 --> 00:47:43,933
- You know, pasty, furry, angry,
- 1205
- 00:47:45,170 --> 00:47:47,923
- smelling of Pabst Blue Ribbon
- and misspelled tattoos.
- 1206
- 00:47:49,220 --> 00:47:50,830
- And we'd sit around
- after the game on Sunday
- 1207
- 00:47:50,830 --> 00:47:52,250
- and bitch about the elites
- running crap, we'd say
- 1208
- 00:47:52,250 --> 00:47:54,900
- and then we play another
- round of racial slur Jeopardy!
- 1209
- 00:47:54,900 --> 00:47:57,010
- Yeah.
- 1210
- 00:47:57,010 --> 00:47:58,250
- Yeah, we talked about the minorities
- 1211
- 00:47:58,250 --> 00:47:59,850
- sucking at the government tit, we'd say,
- 1212
- 00:47:59,850 --> 00:48:03,000
- as we folded our welfare
- checks into our wallets,
- 1213
- 00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:04,680
- not seeing the irony or knowing
- 1214
- 00:48:04,680 --> 00:48:06,313
- what irony means, ironically.
- 1215
- 00:48:08,380 --> 00:48:10,010
- And while we did that,
- the nerds, and the geeks,
- 1216
- 00:48:10,010 --> 00:48:11,330
- and the elites did impossible things
- 1217
- 00:48:11,330 --> 00:48:12,960
- like read and not get DUIs
- 1218
- 00:48:15,383 --> 00:48:16,870
- while I let my fourth girlfriend pop out
- 1219
- 00:48:16,870 --> 00:48:18,080
- our seventh little diaper-filler,
- 1220
- 00:48:18,080 --> 00:48:19,830
- then scream get them
- kids outta my meth lab!
- 1221
- 00:48:19,830 --> 00:48:20,933
- That's my man cave,
- 1222
- 00:48:22,280 --> 00:48:23,250
- plus, I just rebuilt it.
- 1223
- 00:48:23,250 --> 00:48:24,690
- It might fall over and crush another one.
- 1224
- 00:48:24,690 --> 00:48:25,523
- You don't know.
- 1225
- 00:48:28,786 --> 00:48:30,360
- And then one day, I woke up angry,
- 1226
- 00:48:30,360 --> 00:48:34,403
- bitter, unemployed, in debt, racist.
- 1227
- 00:48:36,530 --> 00:48:37,843
- But I still had Netflix.
- 1228
- 00:48:41,290 --> 00:48:43,450
- I'm gonna have to be honest
- with everybody tonight.
- 1229
- 00:48:43,450 --> 00:48:46,130
- In America, if you're a white man
- 1230
- 00:48:46,130 --> 00:48:49,422
- and you can't make something
- happen in this country...
- 1231
- 00:48:49,422 --> 00:48:50,980
- (chuckling)
- 1232
- 00:48:50,980 --> 00:48:52,023
- It ain't China.
- 1233
- 00:48:53,630 --> 00:48:54,620
- It ain't Mexico.
- 1234
- 00:48:54,620 --> 00:48:55,453
- It ain't NAFTA.
- 1235
- 00:48:55,453 --> 00:48:56,720
- It ain't TBP.
- 1236
- 00:48:56,720 --> 00:48:58,950
- In America, if you're a capable white man
- 1237
- 00:48:58,950 --> 00:49:02,803
- and you can't make something
- happen, that's on you.
- 1238
- 00:49:03,870 --> 00:49:05,257
- (audience applauding)
- (audience whooping)
- 1239
- 00:49:05,257 --> 00:49:07,007
- That's on you, sorry.
- 1240
- 00:49:08,246 --> 00:49:09,079
- And...
- 1241
- 00:49:10,690 --> 00:49:13,280
- Do you wanna know how I know that?
- 1242
- 00:49:13,280 --> 00:49:15,403
- I am a D/F student.
- 1243
- 00:49:17,150 --> 00:49:20,040
- On paper, I should be
- being forcibly snuggled
- 1244
- 00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:22,373
- in a penitentiary right now,
- 1245
- 00:49:24,490 --> 00:49:27,193
- and you guys paid to see me.
- 1246
- 00:49:27,193 --> 00:49:29,043
- (audience applauding)
- (audience cheering)
- 1247
- 00:49:29,043 --> 00:49:30,293
- That's America.
- 1248
- 00:49:31,473 --> 00:49:32,723
- That's America.
- 1249
- 00:49:35,073 --> 00:49:37,100
- I love this country, best place ever.
- 1250
- 00:49:37,100 --> 00:49:38,010
- I've been all over the world.
- 1251
- 00:49:38,010 --> 00:49:38,843
- This is the best.
- 1252
- 00:49:38,843 --> 00:49:40,077
- You want to know how good America is?
- 1253
- 00:49:40,077 --> 00:49:42,210
- Let me explain to you how good America is.
- 1254
- 00:49:42,210 --> 00:49:44,350
- In America, if you don't have a job,
- 1255
- 00:49:44,350 --> 00:49:46,250
- you can walk out into the middle
- 1256
- 00:49:46,250 --> 00:49:48,680
- of the Home Depot parking lot,
- 1257
- 00:49:48,680 --> 00:49:52,704
- stand there, and a job will drive up.
- 1258
- 00:49:52,704 --> 00:49:55,323
- (audience laughing)
- (audience clapping)
- 1259
- 00:49:55,323 --> 00:49:58,323
- (audience whooping)
- 1260
- 00:50:01,150 --> 00:50:02,863
- Why, yes, I am disenfranchised.
- 1261
- 00:50:04,646 --> 00:50:06,530
- I would love to help
- you dig a sewer trench
- 1262
- 00:50:06,530 --> 00:50:07,483
- in your backyard.
- 1263
- 00:50:09,136 --> 00:50:10,636
- Manuel, after you.
- 1264
- 00:50:12,350 --> 00:50:14,650
- Manuel, you do realize
- I'm the foreman, right?
- 1265
- 00:50:17,300 --> 00:50:19,006
- That's a little joke for
- the alternative right,
- 1266
- 00:50:19,006 --> 00:50:20,353
- that's for you guys, there you go.
- 1267
- 00:50:20,353 --> 00:50:22,675
- (audience cheering)
- 1268
- 00:50:22,675 --> 00:50:25,740
- I love this country.
- 1269
- 00:50:25,740 --> 00:50:27,120
- There's no other place in the world
- 1270
- 00:50:27,120 --> 00:50:28,795
- I could do what I do
- and be successful at it.
- 1271
- 00:50:28,795 --> 00:50:29,880
- And you know what I
- hate more than anything?
- 1272
- 00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:31,080
- When people insult America.
- 1273
- 00:50:31,080 --> 00:50:32,570
- Don't you hate it when
- people insult America?
- 1274
- 00:50:32,570 --> 00:50:33,403
- I know what you hate, don't you hate it
- 1275
- 00:50:33,403 --> 00:50:34,550
- when people insult this
- country, don't you?
- 1276
- 00:50:34,550 --> 00:50:35,500
- I hate it, man.
- 1277
- 00:50:35,500 --> 00:50:36,880
- Make America Great Again.
- 1278
- 00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:38,350
- Fuck you, it's great right now.
- 1279
- 00:50:38,350 --> 00:50:39,320
- What are you talking about?
- 1280
- 00:50:39,320 --> 00:50:43,740
- Have you been here?
- (audience cheering)
- 1281
- 00:50:43,740 --> 00:50:45,590
- Pissed me off, man.
- 1282
- 00:50:45,590 --> 00:50:47,880
- This is the best country in the world,
- 1283
- 00:50:47,880 --> 00:50:49,130
- and I want you to know I love it
- 1284
- 00:50:49,130 --> 00:50:51,280
- more than anything, and that's why tonight
- 1285
- 00:50:51,280 --> 00:50:53,920
- will be my last comedy show,
- 1286
- 00:50:53,920 --> 00:50:55,410
- because tomorrow,
- 1287
- 00:50:55,410 --> 00:50:57,792
- I start running for president
- of these United States.
- 1288
- 00:50:57,792 --> 00:51:00,472
- (audience cheering)
- 1289
- 00:51:00,472 --> 00:51:01,668
- Yeah.
- 1290
- 00:51:01,668 --> 00:51:03,319
- Yeah, I know, thank you.
- 1291
- 00:51:03,319 --> 00:51:05,790
- Now, why should I be president?
- 1292
- 00:51:05,790 --> 00:51:07,020
- Well, didn't we all look at the TV
- 1293
- 00:51:07,020 --> 00:51:08,080
- at one point in last two years
- 1294
- 00:51:08,080 --> 00:51:10,593
- and go, fuck, I can do this?
- 1295
- 00:51:11,910 --> 00:51:14,280
- I'm a lot like him, tall
- white guy with a giant head.
- 1296
- 00:51:14,280 --> 00:51:15,113
- There you go.
- 1297
- 00:51:16,240 --> 00:51:17,723
- My hands are bigger, sorry.
- 1298
- 00:51:19,620 --> 00:51:21,282
- And you're welcome.
- 1299
- 00:51:21,282 --> 00:51:24,572
- (audience laughing)
- 1300
- 00:51:24,572 --> 00:51:25,405
- I'm a lot like him.
- 1301
- 00:51:25,405 --> 00:51:28,523
- I say stupid, crazy, insane
- shit on stage all the time,
- 1302
- 00:51:30,680 --> 00:51:32,390
- but that's where him
- and I differ, you know?
- 1303
- 00:51:32,390 --> 00:51:33,420
- We start to split off there.
- 1304
- 00:51:33,420 --> 00:51:35,003
- I don't have any bankruptcies.
- 1305
- 00:51:37,220 --> 00:51:41,120
- I pay my taxes, late, but I pay 'em,
- 1306
- 00:51:41,120 --> 00:51:42,667
- plus penalties (angry growling).
- 1307
- 00:51:45,080 --> 00:51:47,448
- I don't have any rape cases to settle.
- 1308
- 00:51:47,448 --> 00:51:51,328
- (audience whooping)
- (audience applauding)
- 1309
- 00:51:51,328 --> 00:51:55,550
- I don't have some fake-ass
- college con to pay off.
- 1310
- 00:51:55,550 --> 00:51:57,430
- I have never paid off a porn star,
- 1311
- 00:51:57,430 --> 00:51:59,783
- but I have been paid by one.
- 1312
- 00:52:06,151 --> 00:52:07,650
- I'm only on my second wife.
- 1313
- 00:52:07,650 --> 00:52:11,911
- And I only grab pussy
- when it asks politely,
- 1314
- 00:52:11,911 --> 00:52:14,922
- (loud cheering)
- 1315
- 00:52:14,922 --> 00:52:18,005
- which is the number one rule of that.
- 1316
- 00:52:21,070 --> 00:52:22,980
- I'm also not part of
- any group, either, man.
- 1317
- 00:52:22,980 --> 00:52:23,813
- You know, I'm not.
- 1318
- 00:52:23,813 --> 00:52:24,827
- I'm not part of any Dem/Repub or whatever.
- 1319
- 00:52:24,827 --> 00:52:26,110
- And no one's paying me.
- 1320
- 00:52:26,110 --> 00:52:28,773
- I'm here and it's 115 degrees in Arizona.
- 1321
- 00:52:30,212 --> 00:52:32,640
- Yeah, I'm a pure America, 100%, man.
- 1322
- 00:52:32,640 --> 00:52:33,480
- You know, I'm not part of any group.
- 1323
- 00:52:33,480 --> 00:52:34,730
- I believe what Groucho Marx said:
- 1324
- 00:52:34,730 --> 00:52:35,980
- I would never be part of any group
- 1325
- 00:52:35,980 --> 00:52:37,530
- that would have me as a member.
- 1326
- 00:52:38,390 --> 00:52:39,477
- Great joke.
- 1327
- 00:52:39,477 --> 00:52:41,160
- You know, I did try to
- join Black Lives Matter.
- 1328
- 00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:43,553
- That was a long interview, man.
- 1329
- 00:52:45,500 --> 00:52:46,470
- But a good leader listens,
- 1330
- 00:52:46,470 --> 00:52:47,320
- so I went to a couple meetings
- 1331
- 00:52:47,320 --> 00:52:48,153
- and I sat there and I just listened
- 1332
- 00:52:48,153 --> 00:52:48,986
- to what they were talking.
- 1333
- 00:52:48,986 --> 00:52:50,800
- When they said how do we
- stop being mad about slavery?
- 1334
- 00:52:50,800 --> 00:52:52,400
- I said, let's have a white sale.
- 1335
- 00:52:53,856 --> 00:52:55,730
- Yeah, it didn't...
- 1336
- 00:52:55,730 --> 00:52:57,687
- Yeah, it didn't...
- 1337
- 00:52:57,687 --> 00:53:00,357
- It didn't go the way I
- thought it would, you know?
- 1338
- 00:53:00,357 --> 00:53:01,820
- And I thought it was real funny,
- 1339
- 00:53:01,820 --> 00:53:02,860
- 'cause it was also Easter.
- 1340
- 00:53:02,860 --> 00:53:03,710
- That's hilarious.
- 1341
- 00:53:06,490 --> 00:53:07,670
- I'm not a racist or bigot.
- 1342
- 00:53:07,670 --> 00:53:09,710
- The only people I think
- should be killed instantly
- 1343
- 00:53:09,710 --> 00:53:11,960
- are family law attorneys
- and Toyota Prius drivers.
- 1344
- 00:53:11,960 --> 00:53:13,110
- That's it, right there.
- 1345
- 00:53:14,877 --> 00:53:17,070
- I'm sorry, you Toyota Prius people,
- 1346
- 00:53:17,070 --> 00:53:19,170
- do you know what you do to the highways,
- 1347
- 00:53:19,170 --> 00:53:20,003
- do you have any?
- 1348
- 00:53:20,003 --> 00:53:20,836
- You just screw things up,
- 1349
- 00:53:20,836 --> 00:53:22,640
- they you clear it, and we all go, uh.
- 1350
- 00:53:22,640 --> 00:53:23,480
- And then you come back.
- 1351
- 00:53:23,480 --> 00:53:26,270
- You're like the herpes of the
- highway, that's what you are.
- 1352
- 00:53:27,250 --> 00:53:29,980
- Here are three things you are
- never gonna hear in your life:
- 1353
- 00:53:29,980 --> 00:53:32,113
- whoa, look at that bad-ass Prius.
- 1354
- 00:53:34,185 --> 00:53:35,397
- Whoa, that Prius is hauling ass
- 1355
- 00:53:35,397 --> 00:53:37,523
- and that driver seems so competent.
- 1356
- 00:53:39,380 --> 00:53:42,130
- Dude, I got my new Prius,
- bring on the ladies.
- 1357
- 00:53:44,715 --> 00:53:47,035
- Three things never heard.
- 1358
- 00:53:47,035 --> 00:53:49,490
- I do blame the Prius for
- part of the election.
- 1359
- 00:53:49,490 --> 00:53:51,180
- Here's the thing, I did not understand
- 1360
- 00:53:51,180 --> 00:53:52,440
- about why people were frustrated.
- 1361
- 00:53:52,440 --> 00:53:53,810
- They keep talking about
- everyone's frustrated.
- 1362
- 00:53:53,810 --> 00:53:55,360
- Well, you look at the history,
- 1363
- 00:53:55,360 --> 00:53:57,430
- eight years before this last election,
- 1364
- 00:53:57,430 --> 00:54:01,430
- our economy had crashed,
- and then at the end of that,
- 1365
- 00:54:01,430 --> 00:54:02,390
- housing had gone up.
- 1366
- 00:54:02,390 --> 00:54:05,330
- It was 20% higher than
- it was before the crash,
- 1367
- 00:54:05,330 --> 00:54:07,090
- and the stock market had tripled,
- 1368
- 00:54:07,090 --> 00:54:09,580
- and unemployment had gone from 12% to 5%.
- 1369
- 00:54:09,580 --> 00:54:11,200
- We'd saved General Motors and Chrysler.
- 1370
- 00:54:11,200 --> 00:54:12,180
- Bin Laden got killed.
- 1371
- 00:54:12,180 --> 00:54:13,340
- Why were people frustrated?
- 1372
- 00:54:13,340 --> 00:54:14,343
- Toyota Prius.
- 1373
- 00:54:18,280 --> 00:54:20,460
- Every Prius I've ever been
- behind at a stoplight,
- 1374
- 00:54:20,460 --> 00:54:21,293
- that light turns green,
- 1375
- 00:54:21,293 --> 00:54:23,913
- takes at least six seconds to drive away.
- 1376
- 00:54:24,830 --> 00:54:25,947
- Doesn't sound like a lot, does it?
- 1377
- 00:54:25,947 --> 00:54:29,820
- You're behind that idiot: One, two, three,
- 1378
- 00:54:29,820 --> 00:54:31,847
- four, five, go!
- 1379
- 00:54:32,699 --> 00:54:34,222
- (audience laughing)
- 1380
- 00:54:34,222 --> 00:54:37,389
- (audience applauding)
- 1381
- 00:54:39,490 --> 00:54:42,290
- 20 million Priuses on the
- road, 200 million drivers,
- 1382
- 00:54:42,290 --> 00:54:45,490
- that means a lot of us are
- behind these idiots all the time,
- 1383
- 00:54:45,490 --> 00:54:46,999
- and after a day of it, you don't
- know what's wrong with you,
- 1384
- 00:54:46,999 --> 00:54:47,910
- you're just in a bad mood,
- 1385
- 00:54:47,910 --> 00:54:48,743
- and you get home and your wife goes,
- 1386
- 00:54:48,743 --> 00:54:49,576
- what's the matter with you?
- 1387
- 00:54:49,576 --> 00:54:51,070
- I don't know, it just feels
- like I can't get anywhere
- 1388
- 00:54:51,070 --> 00:54:52,960
- in America anymore, you know?
- 1389
- 00:54:52,960 --> 00:54:54,200
- I just can't get ahead.
- 1390
- 00:54:54,200 --> 00:54:56,050
- I'm stopped at every turn, goddammit.
- 1391
- 00:54:56,050 --> 00:54:57,180
- I don't know what to do.
- 1392
- 00:54:57,180 --> 00:55:00,540
- I'm gonna vote for a
- reality television star.
- 1393
- 00:55:00,540 --> 00:55:01,633
- Is Snooki running?
- 1394
- 00:55:03,438 --> 00:55:04,271
- - I'd run.
- 1395
- 00:55:04,271 --> 00:55:06,710
- - Then sweet potato Hitler it is.
- 1396
- 00:55:06,710 --> 00:55:09,349
- (audience laughing)
- 1397
- 00:55:09,349 --> 00:55:11,683
- Yeah, I know, too rough, too far, too far.
- 1398
- 00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:16,420
- And in fact, if I could get
- two family law attorneys
- 1399
- 00:55:16,420 --> 00:55:17,253
- go get in opposing Priuses
- 1400
- 00:55:17,253 --> 00:55:19,460
- and have an 80 mile-an-hour
- head-on collision,
- 1401
- 00:55:19,460 --> 00:55:21,543
- oh, that would make me hard.
- 1402
- 00:55:28,690 --> 00:55:29,560
- I'm a pure American.
- 1403
- 00:55:29,560 --> 00:55:31,360
- I love capitalism and democracy.
- 1404
- 00:55:31,360 --> 00:55:32,720
- Yeah, that's why I should be
- a good president, you know?
- 1405
- 00:55:32,720 --> 00:55:35,420
- I hate communism, any
- ideology where you have
- 1406
- 00:55:35,420 --> 00:55:38,100
- to wait in line for toilet
- paper is very oppressive
- 1407
- 00:55:38,100 --> 00:55:39,873
- and very pro skid mark.
- 1408
- 00:55:42,543 --> 00:55:44,130
- I also don't believe in
- trickle-down economics.
- 1409
- 00:55:44,130 --> 00:55:44,963
- I had to read about it, though.
- 1410
- 00:55:44,963 --> 00:55:45,950
- I've been hearing about it since Reagan.
- 1411
- 00:55:45,950 --> 00:55:47,290
- I actually spent three weeks,
- 1412
- 00:55:47,290 --> 00:55:49,020
- I can break down trickle-down economics
- 1413
- 00:55:49,020 --> 00:55:50,410
- to you guys in one sentence.
- 1414
- 00:55:50,410 --> 00:55:51,525
- Are you ready?
- - No.
- 1415
- 00:55:51,525 --> 00:55:52,370
- (audience member whoops)
- 1416
- 00:55:52,370 --> 00:55:56,030
- - If we give rich people more money,
- 1417
- 00:55:56,030 --> 00:55:58,623
- they will give it to poor people.
- 1418
- 00:56:03,370 --> 00:56:04,520
- Even the poorly-educated are like,
- 1419
- 00:56:04,520 --> 00:56:06,353
- well, that sound like bullshit.
- 1420
- 00:56:07,904 --> 00:56:10,373
- (audience applauding)
- (audience whooping)
- 1421
- 00:56:10,373 --> 00:56:11,206
- Anyway.
- 1422
- 00:56:13,980 --> 00:56:14,980
- How 'bout you give it to us,
- 1423
- 00:56:14,980 --> 00:56:15,980
- we'll trickle it up.
- 1424
- 00:56:18,920 --> 00:56:20,520
- Only trickle-down I believe in
- 1425
- 00:56:20,520 --> 00:56:23,903
- is when I leave the men's
- room wearing light gray pants.
- 1426
- 00:56:26,008 --> 00:56:27,227
- I've witnessed that one.
- 1427
- 00:56:29,236 --> 00:56:30,069
- I'm not a Libertarian either,
- 1428
- 00:56:30,069 --> 00:56:31,300
- although in a Titus administration,
- 1429
- 00:56:31,300 --> 00:56:32,480
- we're gonna bring the size of government
- 1430
- 00:56:32,480 --> 00:56:34,240
- down a little bit, but these
- hard-core Libertarians?
- 1431
- 00:56:34,240 --> 00:56:35,780
- I don't want any government in my life!
- 1432
- 00:56:35,780 --> 00:56:39,480
- Good, when I steal your
- car, don't call the cops.
- 1433
- 00:56:39,480 --> 00:56:40,710
- Your house is on fire.
- 1434
- 00:56:40,710 --> 00:56:41,723
- That's a bitch.
- 1435
- 00:56:44,010 --> 00:56:45,160
- No, I'd call the fire department,
- 1436
- 00:56:45,160 --> 00:56:47,650
- but I don't want to
- screw with your beliefs.
- 1437
- 00:56:47,650 --> 00:56:50,150
- Oo, that insulation makes
- a pretty blue, don't it?
- 1438
- 00:56:54,351 --> 00:56:57,103
- I didn't say I wasn't gonna
- be a asshole president.
- 1439
- 00:56:59,780 --> 00:57:00,970
- (laughing)
- 1440
- 00:57:00,970 --> 00:57:01,933
- When it comes to legislate,
- 1441
- 00:57:01,933 --> 00:57:03,600
- oh, and by the way, I'm
- not a socialist either.
- 1442
- 00:57:03,600 --> 00:57:05,130
- When did socialist become an insult?
- 1443
- 00:57:05,130 --> 00:57:05,963
- Socialist!
- 1444
- 00:57:05,963 --> 00:57:07,240
- Do you guys know what socialism is?
- 1445
- 00:57:07,240 --> 00:57:09,430
- We all work together,
- especially democratic socialism,
- 1446
- 00:57:09,430 --> 00:57:10,680
- you work hard, really together,
- 1447
- 00:57:10,680 --> 00:57:12,770
- and we all share, and we
- all build each other up.
- 1448
- 00:57:12,770 --> 00:57:14,730
- That's what it is, no one gets
- $1 billion, no one gets $1.
- 1449
- 00:57:14,730 --> 00:57:15,640
- That's socialism.
- 1450
- 00:57:15,640 --> 00:57:18,010
- I think it's the -ism that
- bothers people, you know?
- 1451
- 00:57:18,010 --> 00:57:20,373
- Communism, racism, you know?
- 1452
- 00:57:21,740 --> 00:57:22,960
- Nazism.
- 1453
- 00:57:22,960 --> 00:57:25,810
- I want to change your name to social-gasm
- 1454
- 00:57:25,810 --> 00:57:26,911
- and we all get off.
- 1455
- 00:57:26,911 --> 00:57:27,962
- (audience laughing)
- 1456
- 00:57:27,962 --> 00:57:29,873
- (audience applauding)
- (audience whooping)
- 1457
- 00:57:29,873 --> 00:57:31,395
- Yeah.
- 1458
- 00:57:31,395 --> 00:57:33,191
- There you go.
- 1459
- 00:57:33,191 --> 00:57:35,760
- Then, then try to use it as an insult.
- 1460
- 00:57:35,760 --> 00:57:36,593
- Social-gasmist!
- 1461
- 00:57:36,593 --> 00:57:38,663
- Uh, uh, yeah.
- 1462
- 00:57:40,960 --> 00:57:42,366
- Sorry, I got a little trickle-down.
- 1463
- 00:57:42,366 --> 00:57:45,770
- (audience laughing)
- 1464
- 00:57:45,770 --> 00:57:47,010
- When it comes to legislation
- 1465
- 00:57:47,010 --> 00:57:48,370
- in the Titus Administration,
- 1466
- 00:57:48,370 --> 00:57:50,080
- we're not gonna legislate
- where you go to the bathroom.
- 1467
- 00:57:50,080 --> 00:57:52,170
- You look like a dude,
- pee where the dudes pee.
- 1468
- 00:57:52,170 --> 00:57:53,700
- You look like a chick,
- pee where the chicks pee.
- 1469
- 00:57:53,700 --> 00:57:55,340
- If you don't, go behind
- the Dumpster, weirdo,
- 1470
- 00:57:55,340 --> 00:57:57,303
- you're creeping everybody out.
- 1471
- 00:57:59,324 --> 00:58:01,370
- And when it comes to
- gay troops in America,
- 1472
- 00:58:01,370 --> 00:58:03,380
- I'm sorry you wanna step
- in front of a bullet
- 1473
- 00:58:03,380 --> 00:58:04,420
- to protect our freedom?
- 1474
- 00:58:04,420 --> 00:58:06,323
- God bless, thank you very
- much for doing that for us.
- 1475
- 00:58:06,323 --> 00:58:10,573
- (crowd cheering drowns out speech)
- 1476
- 00:58:14,170 --> 00:58:16,520
- And transgender troops?
- 1477
- 00:58:16,520 --> 00:58:18,440
- I want transgenders in the military.
- 1478
- 00:58:18,440 --> 00:58:19,273
- Are you kidding me?
- 1479
- 00:58:19,273 --> 00:58:21,440
- You had the balls to
- cut off your own balls?
- 1480
- 00:58:21,440 --> 00:58:22,523
- That's pretty ballsy.
- 1481
- 00:58:24,710 --> 00:58:27,803
- I'm sorry, that's a committed
- individual right there.
- 1482
- 00:58:28,800 --> 00:58:30,740
- Titus, who's the bravest
- man in your platoon?
- 1483
- 00:58:30,740 --> 00:58:31,573
- Linda.
- 1484
- 00:58:36,485 --> 00:58:39,068
- And I will follow him anywhere.
- 1485
- 00:58:40,230 --> 00:58:42,013
- In fact, I'm gonna
- draft transgender people
- 1486
- 00:58:42,013 --> 00:58:45,053
- into the military and form
- elite groups of trans Seals.
- 1487
- 00:58:46,320 --> 00:58:48,823
- And we will never go to war ever again.
- 1488
- 00:58:49,710 --> 00:58:51,740
- We are going to kill
- the infidel Americans.
- 1489
- 00:58:51,740 --> 00:58:52,790
- Who are they sending over?
- 1490
- 00:58:52,790 --> 00:58:54,005
- Well, sir, intelligence tells us
- 1491
- 00:58:54,005 --> 00:58:55,620
- they're sending over the trans Seals.
- 1492
- 00:58:55,620 --> 00:58:57,930
- Ah, who are these trans Seals?
- 1493
- 00:58:57,930 --> 00:58:59,630
- Sir, it's a group of people
- who cut off their testicles
- 1494
- 00:58:59,630 --> 00:59:00,540
- and sewed up their vaginas.
- 1495
- 00:59:00,540 --> 00:59:02,823
- Ah, they were prisoners,
- it was punishment.
- 1496
- 00:59:04,390 --> 00:59:05,223
- No.
- 1497
- 00:59:09,960 --> 00:59:12,760
- They asked to have it done,
- then paid for it themselves.
- 1498
- 00:59:21,864 --> 00:59:26,864
- (audience applauding)
- (audience laughing)
- 1499
- 00:59:35,520 --> 00:59:37,251
- Changing hearts and minds, bitches.
- 1500
- 00:59:37,251 --> 00:59:39,490
- (chuckling)
- 1501
- 00:59:39,490 --> 00:59:41,330
- That trans Seal bit I did,
- 1502
- 00:59:41,330 --> 00:59:42,250
- first time I wrote it, I was doing it
- 1503
- 00:59:42,250 --> 00:59:44,830
- at the Downtown Club here
- in Arizona, in Phoenix
- 1504
- 00:59:44,830 --> 00:59:45,990
- and I did it.
- 1505
- 00:59:45,990 --> 00:59:47,330
- Next day, my Facebook lights up
- 1506
- 00:59:47,330 --> 00:59:49,480
- with this mom flipping
- out, five paragraphs.
- 1507
- 00:59:49,480 --> 00:59:51,670
- Oh my God, my son is
- trans, and he loved you,
- 1508
- 00:59:51,670 --> 00:59:52,503
- you're his favorite comedian.
- 1509
- 00:59:52,503 --> 00:59:53,820
- And since you, that trans bit,
- 1510
- 00:59:53,820 --> 00:59:55,980
- he hates you now, and
- he wants you to know.
- 1511
- 00:59:55,980 --> 00:59:58,463
- It's not a mutilation, it's a restoration.
- 1512
- 01:00:00,283 --> 01:00:02,420
- (heavy sighing)
- 1513
- 01:00:02,420 --> 01:00:05,300
- Well, restoration means you put it back
- 1514
- 01:00:05,300 --> 01:00:06,600
- the way it was originally.
- 1515
- 01:00:10,460 --> 01:00:12,883
- At best, it's a renovation.
- 1516
- 01:00:18,691 --> 01:00:21,177
- And you really just
- remodeled the bathroom.
- 1517
- 01:00:21,177 --> 01:00:22,859
- (audience laughing)
- 1518
- 01:00:22,859 --> 01:00:25,140
- (audience applauding)
- 1519
- 01:00:25,140 --> 01:00:27,390
- Oh, yeah, call out everybody.
- 1520
- 01:00:28,996 --> 01:00:31,820
- Oh, so as president, I'm
- gonna give you a country
- 1521
- 01:00:31,820 --> 01:00:33,230
- with a little more automatic healthcare,
- 1522
- 01:00:33,230 --> 01:00:34,460
- a little less automatic weapons,
- 1523
- 01:00:34,460 --> 01:00:36,570
- a country where facts trump opinion,
- 1524
- 01:00:36,570 --> 01:00:39,070
- and facts about Trump
- change your fucking opinion.
- 1525
- 01:00:40,870 --> 01:00:42,640
- I'll bring you a country where known liars
- 1526
- 01:00:42,640 --> 01:00:44,800
- are convicted instead of elected,
- 1527
- 01:00:44,800 --> 01:00:46,530
- in a country where sexual predators
- 1528
- 01:00:46,530 --> 01:00:48,210
- are putting in prison, with much bigger,
- 1529
- 01:00:48,210 --> 01:00:49,977
- angrier sexual predators.
- 1530
- 01:00:49,977 --> 01:00:53,240
- (audience cheering)
- 1531
- 01:00:53,240 --> 01:00:57,312
- I'm gonna bring you a country
- where women are heard.
- 1532
- 01:00:57,312 --> 01:00:59,770
- (loud cheering)
- 1533
- 01:00:59,770 --> 01:01:02,010
- Unless the game is on and
- just give me 20 minutes.
- 1534
- 01:01:02,010 --> 01:01:04,205
- Fuck, I'm trying.
- 1535
- 01:01:04,205 --> 01:01:06,530
- It's the fourth quarter
- why don't you just...
- 1536
- 01:01:10,003 --> 01:01:12,270
- A country where the poor
- have a shot at being rich
- 1537
- 01:01:12,270 --> 01:01:14,963
- and the rich don't want the poor shot.
- 1538
- 01:01:16,850 --> 01:01:18,440
- That's an America I can believe in
- 1539
- 01:01:18,440 --> 01:01:19,740
- and that's an America I will bring you
- 1540
- 01:01:19,740 --> 01:01:21,940
- because that's an America I
- was taught about in school
- 1541
- 01:01:21,940 --> 01:01:24,980
- when I wasn't paying attention.
- 1542
- 01:01:24,980 --> 01:01:27,910
- And that's who I'm gonna be
- in 2018, thank you very much.
- 1543
- 01:01:27,910 --> 01:01:32,130
- Now, now...
- (audience cheering)
- 1544
- 01:01:32,130 --> 01:01:35,483
- Why, why am I running in 2018?
- 1545
- 01:01:35,483 --> 01:01:37,600
- 'Cause I think the new guy is
- gonna drop a deuce by Easter.
- 1546
- 01:01:37,600 --> 01:01:38,433
- I really do.
- 1547
- 01:01:39,430 --> 01:01:40,980
- It's getting weirder, isn't it?
- 1548
- 01:01:41,900 --> 01:01:43,230
- And I wanna talk to you
- Liberals for a second,
- 1549
- 01:01:43,230 --> 01:01:44,470
- 'cause, oh, I wanna talk about the check,
- 1550
- 01:01:44,470 --> 01:01:47,160
- 'cause by the way, if
- whatever side you're on
- 1551
- 01:01:47,160 --> 01:01:50,210
- you think, no, there's no
- douche bags in your group,
- 1552
- 01:01:50,210 --> 01:01:51,223
- you're a douche bag.
- 1553
- 01:01:53,400 --> 01:01:54,790
- The only way we get back to we
- 1554
- 01:01:54,790 --> 01:01:56,330
- is calling out everybody
- on their bullshit.
- 1555
- 01:01:56,330 --> 01:01:57,450
- We can't just call it one side.
- 1556
- 01:01:57,450 --> 01:01:59,050
- Everybody gotta get called
- out on their bullshit.
- 1557
- 01:01:59,050 --> 01:01:59,883
- That's how it goes, man.
- 1558
- 01:01:59,883 --> 01:02:01,449
- You know, I thought Trump was easy to get.
- 1559
- 01:02:01,449 --> 01:02:03,420
- And you Trump people
- didn't do anything wrong.
- 1560
- 01:02:03,420 --> 01:02:04,790
- And people are getting mad at you guys.
- 1561
- 01:02:04,790 --> 01:02:07,100
- You didn't know, you
- didn't know there was,
- 1562
- 01:02:07,100 --> 01:02:08,690
- these guys voted for the guy they wanted.
- 1563
- 01:02:08,690 --> 01:02:11,690
- That's what you're supposed to
- do as an American, you know?
- 1564
- 01:02:11,690 --> 01:02:13,951
- And you people that didn't
- vote or voted for Harambe,
- 1565
- 01:02:13,951 --> 01:02:17,360
- (wry chuckling) when you
- see that mushroom cloud
- 1566
- 01:02:17,360 --> 01:02:19,093
- over Phoenix, that shit's on you.
- 1567
- 01:02:20,692 --> 01:02:22,300
- What do you mean, that
- doesn't look like a haboob.
- 1568
- 01:02:22,300 --> 01:02:23,143
- It is not.
- 1569
- 01:02:27,260 --> 01:02:28,580
- They just voted for the guy they wanted.
- 1570
- 01:02:28,580 --> 01:02:29,950
- That he ended up this guy is,
- 1571
- 01:02:29,950 --> 01:02:31,310
- you know, he's a professional conman.
- 1572
- 01:02:31,310 --> 01:02:32,350
- It's not their fault.
- 1573
- 01:02:32,350 --> 01:02:33,390
- And I thought he was easy to get.
- 1574
- 01:02:33,390 --> 01:02:35,730
- I was raised by an alcoholic
- father and mentally ill mother.
- 1575
- 01:02:35,730 --> 01:02:37,170
- Who better to deal with Congress, lady?
- 1576
- 01:02:37,170 --> 01:02:38,213
- Thank you very much.
- 1577
- 01:02:39,410 --> 01:02:40,650
- Here's how easy Trump is to get.
- 1578
- 01:02:40,650 --> 01:02:42,770
- I have a 12-year-old
- son and he's an idiot.
- 1579
- 01:02:42,770 --> 01:02:43,603
- Sorry.
- 1580
- 01:02:46,880 --> 01:02:49,730
- He's not an idiot, he's just 12.
- 1581
- 01:02:49,730 --> 01:02:52,470
- 10- to 14-year-old boys
- have this amazing ability
- 1582
- 01:02:52,470 --> 01:02:53,760
- where they can take their brains out,
- 1583
- 01:02:53,760 --> 01:02:57,911
- put them down and just walk away,
- 1584
- 01:02:57,911 --> 01:02:59,390
- (audience cheering)
- 1585
- 01:02:59,390 --> 01:03:01,243
- for weeks at a time.
- 1586
- 01:03:02,800 --> 01:03:03,920
- All right, here's a story about my son.
- 1587
- 01:03:03,920 --> 01:03:05,310
- So, last year, he was in seventh grade.
- 1588
- 01:03:05,310 --> 01:03:07,060
- First through sixth grade,
- when I had to pick him up,
- 1589
- 01:03:07,060 --> 01:03:08,253
- I had to wait in that
- drop-off/pick-up line.
- 1590
- 01:03:08,253 --> 01:03:10,160
- Then I had to sign a piece of paper.
- 1591
- 01:03:10,160 --> 01:03:11,420
- Then they had to do a DNA test.
- 1592
- 01:03:11,420 --> 01:03:13,260
- They they had to do an iris scan.
- 1593
- 01:03:13,260 --> 01:03:15,300
- Then I could pick his ass up.
- 1594
- 01:03:15,300 --> 01:03:17,570
- Then he became a seventh-grader
- and now he can just leave
- 1595
- 01:03:17,570 --> 01:03:19,830
- when he wants, 'cause
- he's this much taller
- 1596
- 01:03:19,830 --> 01:03:21,430
- and nine pounds heavier.
- 1597
- 01:03:21,430 --> 01:03:23,163
- I guess he's a ninja now.
- 1598
- 01:03:25,958 --> 01:03:26,791
- But I was cool with that.
- 1599
- 01:03:26,791 --> 01:03:28,760
- You know why, 'cause I hated waiting
- 1600
- 01:03:28,760 --> 01:03:30,200
- in that drop-off/pick-up line
- 1601
- 01:03:30,200 --> 01:03:32,850
- with you chatty soccer
- moms driving Priuses.
- 1602
- 01:03:32,850 --> 01:03:34,413
- Oh my God.
- 1603
- 01:03:35,580 --> 01:03:37,650
- I drive a Ram 1500 4-wheel drive,
- 1604
- 01:03:37,650 --> 01:03:38,670
- and you don't know how many times
- 1605
- 01:03:38,670 --> 01:03:41,033
- I played a monster truck
- scenario in my head.
- 1606
- 01:03:43,988 --> 01:03:45,988
- I would just sit in
- that line just thinking.
- 1607
- 01:03:45,988 --> 01:03:49,488
- (imitates engine revving)
- 1608
- 01:03:53,107 --> 01:03:55,163
- How was today at school, son?
- 1609
- 01:03:57,440 --> 01:03:59,167
- So now I'm stoked that I
- can, that I can get him.
- 1610
- 01:03:59,167 --> 01:04:00,010
- And I tell him that.
- 1611
- 01:04:00,010 --> 01:04:01,800
- I go, good, you can leave,
- here's what I want you to do.
- 1612
- 01:04:01,800 --> 01:04:03,070
- Cross the street, stand
- in front of the church.
- 1613
- 01:04:03,070 --> 01:04:04,180
- He goes to a Christian school.
- 1614
- 01:04:04,180 --> 01:04:05,890
- Stand on the curb, I'll drive
- up, pick you up, we're out.
- 1615
- 01:04:05,890 --> 01:04:06,880
- He goes, cool.
- 1616
- 01:04:06,880 --> 01:04:08,420
- First day I do it, it's raining in LA.
- 1617
- 01:04:08,420 --> 01:04:09,253
- I get up to freeway.
- 1618
- 01:04:09,253 --> 01:04:11,120
- I'm on the wrong side of the freeway.
- 1619
- 01:04:11,120 --> 01:04:12,540
- I got past this four-way stop,
- 1620
- 01:04:12,540 --> 01:04:13,890
- I pull to the curb.
- 1621
- 01:04:13,890 --> 01:04:15,300
- My son is four lanes away from me,
- 1622
- 01:04:15,300 --> 01:04:16,690
- directly across the street.
- 1623
- 01:04:16,690 --> 01:04:19,778
- I look out the window of
- my truck and my son goes.
- 1624
- 01:04:19,778 --> 01:04:22,778
- (audience laughing)
- 1625
- 01:04:33,545 --> 01:04:37,660
- And we look at each other
- for like a day and a half.
- 1626
- 01:04:37,660 --> 01:04:38,547
- And I finally roll my window down
- 1627
- 01:04:38,547 --> 01:04:40,573
- and I go, cross the street!
- 1628
- 01:04:41,970 --> 01:04:43,260
- Smart kid, he goes, got it, got it.
- 1629
- 01:04:43,260 --> 01:04:45,500
- He grabs his stuff, he goes to the corner.
- 1630
- 01:04:45,500 --> 01:04:47,440
- I'm right there.
- 1631
- 01:04:47,440 --> 01:04:48,520
- He hits the button.
- 1632
- 01:04:48,520 --> 01:04:53,273
- This light turns green,
- he crosses this street.
- 1633
- 01:04:55,050 --> 01:04:58,013
- Turns and realizes I'm
- farther from dad, now.
- 1634
- 01:04:59,600 --> 01:05:02,530
- Doesn't run back on the green.
- 1635
- 01:05:02,530 --> 01:05:04,553
- Hits the button to cross this street.
- 1636
- 01:05:12,980 --> 01:05:15,890
- And it was the first time it
- came out of me involuntarily.
- 1637
- 01:05:15,890 --> 01:05:17,900
- I'd said it before when
- he did something silly,
- 1638
- 01:05:17,900 --> 01:05:19,720
- but I was looking at the
- rear view mirror of my truck,
- 1639
- 01:05:19,720 --> 01:05:22,197
- and I hear myself go, the fuck?
- 1640
- 01:05:22,197 --> 01:05:27,197
- (audience laughing)
- (audience applauding)
- 1641
- 01:05:29,580 --> 01:05:31,240
- He waits for that light to change,
- 1642
- 01:05:31,240 --> 01:05:33,300
- crosses that street, turns and realizes
- 1643
- 01:05:33,300 --> 01:05:35,613
- he now has yet one more street to cross.
- 1644
- 01:05:39,410 --> 01:05:41,230
- He waits for that light to
- change, cross the street,
- 1645
- 01:05:41,230 --> 01:05:42,160
- gets in my truck, and I go,
- 1646
- 01:05:42,160 --> 01:05:42,993
- what are you doin'?
- 1647
- 01:05:42,993 --> 01:05:46,169
- And he goes, "I know, right?"
- 1648
- 01:05:46,169 --> 01:05:49,336
- (audience applauding)
- 1649
- 01:05:53,588 --> 01:05:55,755
- Which I count as progress,
- 1650
- 01:05:56,990 --> 01:05:59,490
- because he didn't used to
- know when he was stupid.
- 1651
- 01:06:00,577 --> 01:06:01,970
- 'Member, guys, you hit about 13
- 1652
- 01:06:01,970 --> 01:06:04,950
- and you were like, oh
- my God, what am I doing?
- 1653
- 01:06:04,950 --> 01:06:07,933
- I'm never gonna touch a
- girl if I keep this up.
- 1654
- 01:06:09,470 --> 01:06:10,303
- That's where my son is.
- 1655
- 01:06:10,303 --> 01:06:11,540
- So, I'm writing this new show,
- 1656
- 01:06:11,540 --> 01:06:14,020
- it was a while ago, and I'm
- watching the news way too much.
- 1657
- 01:06:14,020 --> 01:06:14,940
- My family hates, 'cause,
- 1658
- 01:06:14,940 --> 01:06:16,130
- and just so you know, Trump people,
- 1659
- 01:06:16,130 --> 01:06:17,130
- I didn't wanna write this show,
- 1660
- 01:06:17,130 --> 01:06:18,783
- but it was on TV every night.
- 1661
- 01:06:19,760 --> 01:06:22,140
- Like, five things a day.
- 1662
- 01:06:22,140 --> 01:06:26,180
- Like, how do you screw
- up 730 times in 500 days?
- 1663
- 01:06:26,180 --> 01:06:27,590
- The only people happy are Charlie Sheen
- 1664
- 01:06:27,590 --> 01:06:31,160
- and Lindsay Lohan, man, and Chris Brown.
- 1665
- 01:06:31,160 --> 01:06:33,163
- They're like, he beat
- our record, all right.
- 1666
- 01:06:34,070 --> 01:06:35,970
- So, it's just comin' out
- of me and I could not,
- 1667
- 01:06:35,970 --> 01:06:36,803
- that's what I do.
- 1668
- 01:06:36,803 --> 01:06:37,636
- My job is to observe and do.
- 1669
- 01:06:37,636 --> 01:06:38,469
- So, it's comin' out of me,
- 1670
- 01:06:38,469 --> 01:06:39,930
- but I'm watching the news all the time,
- 1671
- 01:06:39,930 --> 01:06:41,550
- and my family's like, why do
- we want to watch the news?
- 1672
- 01:06:41,550 --> 01:06:43,000
- I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
- 1673
- 01:06:43,000 --> 01:06:43,833
- You guys wanna eat?
- 1674
- 01:06:43,833 --> 01:06:45,135
- I gotta go to Phoenix.
- 1675
- 01:06:45,135 --> 01:06:47,770
- (audience laughing)
- 1676
- 01:06:47,770 --> 01:06:49,460
- And it's 115 degrees!
- 1677
- 01:06:50,975 --> 01:06:52,280
- (audience whooping)
- 1678
- 01:06:52,280 --> 01:06:54,240
- So, I'm watching the news one night.
- 1679
- 01:06:54,240 --> 01:06:55,073
- I'm just writing.
- 1680
- 01:06:55,073 --> 01:06:57,215
- My son's sitting next to me on the couch.
- 1681
- 01:06:57,215 --> 01:06:58,720
- And here's how easy Trump is to get.
- 1682
- 01:06:58,720 --> 01:07:02,247
- Out of the blue, my son
- just turns and goes,
- 1683
- 01:07:02,247 --> 01:07:05,008
- "How is Mexico gonna pay for the wall?"
- 1684
- 01:07:05,008 --> 01:07:06,715
- (audience laughing)
- 1685
- 01:07:06,715 --> 01:07:09,882
- (audience applauding)
- 1686
- 01:07:18,860 --> 01:07:20,493
- I love you so much right now.
- 1687
- 01:07:22,870 --> 01:07:24,593
- No, I thought I was crazy.
- 1688
- 01:07:26,240 --> 01:07:28,660
- I don't know, son, maybe we're
- gonna get free landscaping
- 1689
- 01:07:28,660 --> 01:07:30,850
- at the White House for
- a while, I don't know.
- 1690
- 01:07:31,790 --> 01:07:33,893
- Maybe we'll send 'em an invoice.
- 1691
- 01:07:35,140 --> 01:07:38,814
- If they don't pay it, I guess
- we'll just ruin their credit.
- 1692
- 01:07:38,814 --> 01:07:41,260
- (laughing)
- 1693
- 01:07:41,260 --> 01:07:42,843
- We'll be Mexico's ex-wife.
- 1694
- 01:07:45,350 --> 01:07:47,270
- Don't tell your mom I said that.
- 1695
- 01:07:51,850 --> 01:07:53,110
- You Trump people gotta
- be tired of hearing,
- 1696
- 01:07:53,110 --> 01:07:54,151
- the wall thing is getting so weird.
- 1697
- 01:07:54,151 --> 01:07:55,440
- The weirdest thing I heard about the wall
- 1698
- 01:07:55,440 --> 01:07:57,210
- was when Spicer was still in.
- 1699
- 01:07:57,210 --> 01:07:58,197
- Spicer came out and he goes,
- 1700
- 01:07:58,197 --> 01:08:01,113
- "Part of the wall is gonna be invisible."
- 1701
- 01:08:01,113 --> 01:08:04,440
- (audience laughing)
- 1702
- 01:08:04,440 --> 01:08:05,570
- Even the poorly-educated were like,
- 1703
- 01:08:05,570 --> 01:08:07,273
- aw, come on, man.
- 1704
- 01:08:08,430 --> 01:08:11,683
- We're poorly-educated, we
- believe in Spandex, not magic.
- 1705
- 01:08:15,210 --> 01:08:16,590
- And here's the sad part
- for these Trump people.
- 1706
- 01:08:16,590 --> 01:08:18,070
- You guys don't know, they now,
- 1707
- 01:08:18,070 --> 01:08:19,820
- whatever he says, however crazy,
- 1708
- 01:08:19,820 --> 01:08:20,653
- they gotta back him up.
- 1709
- 01:08:20,653 --> 01:08:23,160
- I got fans in Texas, on the border.
- 1710
- 01:08:23,160 --> 01:08:24,320
- They got invisible wall?
- 1711
- 01:08:24,320 --> 01:08:25,380
- Yep, they built it this morning.
- 1712
- 01:08:25,380 --> 01:08:28,331
- Look at that son of a
- bitch, right there, yeah.
- 1713
- 01:08:28,331 --> 01:08:31,093
- 320 foot invisible wall.
- 1714
- 01:08:32,730 --> 01:08:35,090
- You gonna go invisible go big, am I right?
- 1715
- 01:08:36,163 --> 01:08:37,900
- That's a high-tech sum-bitch right there.
- 1716
- 01:08:37,900 --> 01:08:39,190
- Ain't nothin' through that, 'cept for
- 1717
- 01:08:39,190 --> 01:08:40,560
- that little Mexican feller right there.
- 1718
- 01:08:40,560 --> 01:08:41,628
- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- 1719
- 01:08:41,628 --> 01:08:44,628
- (audience laughing)
- 1720
- 01:08:49,140 --> 01:08:51,933
- Rusty, check the fuse box
- on the invisible wall.
- 1721
- 01:08:56,270 --> 01:08:57,103
- And you voted for the guy.
- 1722
- 01:08:57,103 --> 01:08:57,936
- You know what, you Trump people,
- 1723
- 01:08:57,936 --> 01:08:59,730
- you voted for the man,
- you deserve your wall,
- 1724
- 01:08:59,730 --> 01:09:00,820
- to the victor goes this wall.
- 1725
- 01:09:00,820 --> 01:09:02,410
- In fact, you know what, I
- want the wall built now,
- 1726
- 01:09:02,410 --> 01:09:03,520
- 'cause every four years after that,
- 1727
- 01:09:03,520 --> 01:09:05,877
- the Olympics, we are gonna
- kick ass in handball.
- 1728
- 01:09:05,877 --> 01:09:09,018
- (audience laughing)
- 1729
- 01:09:09,018 --> 01:09:09,851
- I mean, we're always gonna have
- 1730
- 01:09:09,851 --> 01:09:11,423
- to play Mexico in the finals,
- 1731
- 01:09:15,939 --> 01:09:17,149
- (sporadic applause)
- 1732
- 01:09:17,149 --> 01:09:19,260
- because they also have a wall.
- 1733
- 01:09:20,670 --> 01:09:23,375
- Nine is the number after eight.
- 1734
- 01:09:23,375 --> 01:09:24,866
- (audience applauding)
- 1735
- 01:09:24,866 --> 01:09:25,699
- Yeah.
- 1736
- 01:09:30,775 --> 01:09:32,870
- And I can prove that no
- matter who you voted for,
- 1737
- 01:09:32,870 --> 01:09:34,140
- we're all the same in
- this country right now.
- 1738
- 01:09:34,140 --> 01:09:35,250
- You know why?
- 1739
- 01:09:35,250 --> 01:09:36,620
- Everyone in this room has had someone
- 1740
- 01:09:36,620 --> 01:09:38,340
- come up to them and say, did
- you hear what he said today?
- 1741
- 01:09:38,340 --> 01:09:40,490
- And then they tell you,
- and you go, no way.
- 1742
- 01:09:41,780 --> 01:09:44,130
- And then you turn on the
- TV and you go, dammit.
- 1743
- 01:09:45,640 --> 01:09:47,610
- Every single one of us. (stammering)
- 1744
- 01:09:47,610 --> 01:09:49,060
- There was something that he said
- 1745
- 01:09:49,060 --> 01:09:50,290
- about the wall that I didn't believe,
- 1746
- 01:09:50,290 --> 01:09:52,600
- and then my wife and I
- were driving somewhere
- 1747
- 01:09:52,600 --> 01:09:53,700
- and listening to the Alabama speech,
- 1748
- 01:09:53,700 --> 01:09:54,780
- the primary speech, when Roy Moore
- 1749
- 01:09:54,780 --> 01:09:56,380
- was against the other guy,
- 1750
- 01:09:56,380 --> 01:09:58,490
- and we have to give Alabama some props
- 1751
- 01:09:58,490 --> 01:10:00,440
- 'cause we finally found out their line:
- 1752
- 01:10:01,340 --> 01:10:03,033
- racist, homophobic pedophile.
- 1753
- 01:10:04,370 --> 01:10:05,483
- They were like, nope.
- 1754
- 01:10:06,530 --> 01:10:08,833
- You can hate, just don't fuck kids,
- 1755
- 01:10:11,180 --> 01:10:12,867
- which is their new license plates.
- 1756
- 01:10:12,867 --> 01:10:15,867
- (audience laughing)
- 1757
- 01:10:22,507 --> 01:10:24,076
- So, good job, Alabama.
- 1758
- 01:10:24,076 --> 01:10:25,909
- So, good job, Alabama.
- 1759
- 01:10:29,230 --> 01:10:30,280
- So, we're listening to the speech
- 1760
- 01:10:30,280 --> 01:10:31,700
- and he says this, and I, honest,
- 1761
- 01:10:31,700 --> 01:10:32,533
- I had to play it again.
- 1762
- 01:10:32,533 --> 01:10:33,410
- I was like, well, what the hell is that?
- 1763
- 01:10:33,410 --> 01:10:34,887
- He said, about the wall, he goes,
- 1764
- 01:10:34,887 --> 01:10:37,290
- "The wall needs to be see-through
- 1765
- 01:10:38,217 --> 01:10:41,797
- "because drug dealers will
- take 100-pound bags of drugs
- 1766
- 01:10:41,797 --> 01:10:45,653
- "put 'em on catapults, and
- shoot 'em over the wall.
- 1767
- 01:10:46,717 --> 01:10:50,247
- "And they may hit innocent
- Americans in the head."
- 1768
- 01:10:55,760 --> 01:10:56,940
- My first thought was, my God,
- 1769
- 01:10:56,940 --> 01:10:59,190
- The Three Stooges have
- started a drug cartel.
- 1770
- 01:11:03,876 --> 01:11:07,360
- Is that how El Chapo
- made his billions, is it?
- 1771
- 01:11:07,360 --> 01:11:10,410
- Is that how the Sinaloa
- cartel just took over Mexico?
- 1772
- 01:11:10,410 --> 01:11:11,243
- Is that?
- 1773
- 01:11:11,243 --> 01:11:12,600
- They have a big meeting one day?
- 1774
- 01:11:12,600 --> 01:11:15,193
- Okay, everybody, welcome to the meeting.
- 1775
- 01:11:18,410 --> 01:11:21,423
- I have a new bitching
- idea to smuggle the drugs.
- 1776
- 01:11:23,260 --> 01:11:25,413
- No more tunnels, my fingers hurt.
- 1777
- 01:11:32,617 --> 01:11:34,534
- Are you ready for this?
- 1778
- 01:11:36,410 --> 01:11:38,363
- We gonna build a catapult.
- 1779
- 01:11:41,760 --> 01:11:43,553
- No, not a trebuchet.
- 1780
- 01:11:47,693 --> 01:11:49,310
- Catapult.
- 1781
- 01:11:49,310 --> 01:11:51,343
- I not going to argue with you anymore.
- 1782
- 01:11:54,070 --> 01:11:58,543
- Then, we going to take
- 100-pound bags of drugs,
- 1783
- 01:12:01,190 --> 01:12:02,423
- put 'em in the catapult,
- 1784
- 01:12:04,380 --> 01:12:08,043
- And then, we gonna shoot 'em
- 1785
- 01:12:10,920 --> 01:12:13,093
- over the invisible wall.
- 1786
- 01:12:17,260 --> 01:12:22,260
- Now, we may need to get
- some liability insurance
- 1787
- 01:12:26,995 --> 01:12:30,707
- in case we hit innocent
- Americans in the head
- 1788
- 01:12:32,280 --> 01:12:34,453
- who are vacationing near the wall.
- 1789
- 01:12:36,910 --> 01:12:38,120
- Okay, everybody in.
- 1790
- 01:12:38,120 --> 01:12:38,953
- Drug dealers!
- 1791
- 01:12:38,953 --> 01:12:40,091
- Okay.
- 1792
- 01:12:40,091 --> 01:12:45,091
- (audience applauding)
- (audience cheering)
- 1793
- 01:12:46,350 --> 01:12:48,516
- That was stupid.
- 1794
- 01:12:48,516 --> 01:12:50,891
- So stupid, thank you.
- 1795
- 01:12:50,891 --> 01:12:53,141
- (laughing)
- 1796
- 01:12:54,239 --> 01:12:55,290
- And here's the other thing about Trump.
- 1797
- 01:12:55,290 --> 01:12:57,150
- If Trump was a nice guy,
- it'd be easier to take.
- 1798
- 01:12:57,150 --> 01:12:58,470
- You know, we've dumb guys in there before
- 1799
- 01:12:58,470 --> 01:12:59,460
- that were nice guys,
- 1800
- 01:12:59,460 --> 01:13:01,020
- you know, guys that
- weren't that smart about,
- 1801
- 01:13:01,020 --> 01:13:01,950
- I met George W.
- 1802
- 01:13:01,950 --> 01:13:02,950
- George W's a really nice guy.
- 1803
- 01:13:02,950 --> 01:13:03,783
- I like W.
- 1804
- 01:13:03,783 --> 01:13:05,070
- You know, I didn't agree
- with him on anything
- 1805
- 01:13:05,070 --> 01:13:05,940
- but I liked him.
- 1806
- 01:13:05,940 --> 01:13:07,300
- I got to meet him, I got
- to do a show for him,
- 1807
- 01:13:07,300 --> 01:13:10,040
- a Christmas special with ABC,
- and I had to do the comedy.
- 1808
- 01:13:10,040 --> 01:13:11,680
- It was at Ford's Theater,
- where Lincoln got shot
- 1809
- 01:13:11,680 --> 01:13:14,070
- which is weird 'cause
- the booth is right there.
- 1810
- 01:13:14,070 --> 01:13:16,400
- It's 12 feet from you and they
- don't let anybody sit there
- 1811
- 01:13:16,400 --> 01:13:18,364
- 'cause I guess they
- haven't caught the guy.
- 1812
- 01:13:18,364 --> 01:13:19,910
- (audience laughing)
- 1813
- 01:13:19,910 --> 01:13:21,630
- Or they're still doing forensics.
- 1814
- 01:13:21,630 --> 01:13:23,080
- I don't know what's going on.
- 1815
- 01:13:24,300 --> 01:13:27,160
- So, they asked me to the
- show, and I said yeah.
- 1816
- 01:13:27,160 --> 01:13:29,080
- Iraq was going on, I said,
- can I do my Iraq material?
- 1817
- 01:13:29,080 --> 01:13:30,557
- And they went, "No."
- 1818
- 01:13:31,700 --> 01:13:32,940
- And I said, no, no,
- it's not about the war,
- 1819
- 01:13:32,940 --> 01:13:33,990
- it's about the troops, and they said okay.
- 1820
- 01:13:33,990 --> 01:13:36,160
- Sure, they cleared it, 'cause
- I went to Iraq a couple times.
- 1821
- 01:13:36,160 --> 01:13:38,300
- And when I would go to
- Iraq, I'd get these gigs,
- 1822
- 01:13:38,300 --> 01:13:39,510
- I'd call other comedians and I'd go,
- 1823
- 01:13:39,510 --> 01:13:40,780
- dude, we're gonna go do shows
- 1824
- 01:13:40,780 --> 01:13:41,613
- for the troops in Iraq, you wanna go?
- 1825
- 01:13:41,613 --> 01:13:43,420
- And every comedian said, hell, yeah.
- 1826
- 01:13:43,420 --> 01:13:45,130
- And then, I'd call 'em
- two week before we leave.
- 1827
- 01:13:45,130 --> 01:13:45,963
- We're leaving in two weeks.
- 1828
- 01:13:45,963 --> 01:13:47,244
- I'm not going to Iraq.
- 1829
- 01:13:47,244 --> 01:13:48,897
- (audience laughing)
- 1830
- 01:13:48,897 --> 01:13:52,080
- I'm gonna go to Tempe, Arizona
- where it feels like Iraq
- 1831
- 01:13:53,381 --> 01:13:58,381
- (audience applauding)
- (audience whooping)
- 1832
- 01:14:00,210 --> 01:14:01,363
- except with old people.
- 1833
- 01:14:04,200 --> 01:14:06,030
- So, the last time I went, I
- invited this guy named Everlast.
- 1834
- 01:14:06,030 --> 01:14:07,501
- I got to meet him.
- 1835
- 01:14:07,501 --> 01:14:09,100
- Everlast's a great musician,
- he did he Jump Around.
- 1836
- 01:14:09,100 --> 01:14:10,510
- And he's a great musician,
- 1837
- 01:14:10,510 --> 01:14:12,810
- and he was also raised
- in Boston and East LA,
- 1838
- 01:14:12,810 --> 01:14:13,960
- so when I said, you wanna go to Iraq?
- 1839
- 01:14:13,960 --> 01:14:16,327
- He's like, yeah, do I bring
- a gun, or can we rent?
- 1840
- 01:14:16,327 --> 01:14:18,350
- (audience laughing)
- 1841
- 01:14:18,350 --> 01:14:20,080
- He's legit.
- 1842
- 01:14:20,080 --> 01:14:22,020
- So, we go to Iraq, and any
- soldiers in here, tonight?
- 1843
- 01:14:22,020 --> 01:14:23,570
- If you're in here tonight,
- thank you for doing the job.
- 1844
- 01:14:23,570 --> 01:14:24,680
- I want you guys to know something.
- 1845
- 01:14:24,680 --> 01:14:26,100
- When you clap for the soldiers,
- 1846
- 01:14:26,100 --> 01:14:28,250
- I want you just not clap
- because it's all rote.
- 1847
- 01:14:28,250 --> 01:14:29,320
- Think about what they went through.
- 1848
- 01:14:29,320 --> 01:14:33,680
- Iraq was the worst place
- I've ever been to in my life.
- 1849
- 01:14:33,680 --> 01:14:36,494
- Imagine if Mars got colon cancer.
- 1850
- 01:14:36,494 --> 01:14:38,680
- (audience laughing).
- 1851
- 01:14:38,680 --> 01:14:40,040
- That's Iraq.
- 1852
- 01:14:40,040 --> 01:14:41,190
- Nothing there, and when
- you get off the plane,
- 1853
- 01:14:41,190 --> 01:14:42,360
- it was so hot, it was.
- 1854
- 01:14:42,360 --> 01:14:43,390
- Literally, it was like here,
- 1855
- 01:14:43,390 --> 01:14:45,006
- except you had, except danger.
- 1856
- 01:14:45,006 --> 01:14:46,557
- I was like (agonized groaning).
- 1857
- 01:14:46,557 --> 01:14:47,580
- And I get off the plane,
- 1858
- 01:14:47,580 --> 01:14:49,550
- and they had palates of
- water on all the base,
- 1859
- 01:14:49,550 --> 01:14:50,418
- and they go, Titus, drink some water.
- 1860
- 01:14:50,418 --> 01:14:51,330
- I would go, no, I'm just hot.
- 1861
- 01:14:51,330 --> 01:14:52,900
- And then I go to the bathroom
- 1862
- 01:14:52,900 --> 01:14:54,400
- and above every latrine,
- 1863
- 01:14:54,400 --> 01:14:57,690
- there is a chart that shows
- you where your pee should be,
- 1864
- 01:14:57,690 --> 01:14:59,680
- and it starts clear, then it goes Sprite,
- 1865
- 01:14:59,680 --> 01:15:02,210
- and it goes Mountain
- Dew, then it Mello Yello.
- 1866
- 01:15:02,210 --> 01:15:04,823
- And I was peeing Aunt Jemima
- maple syrup down here.
- 1867
- 01:15:06,890 --> 01:15:07,740
- And the lieutenant was like,
- 1868
- 01:15:07,740 --> 01:15:09,620
- you're about eight minutes
- from death, Mr. Titus.
- 1869
- 01:15:09,620 --> 01:15:10,453
- You better...
- 1870
- 01:15:11,310 --> 01:15:12,690
- Nobody should pee chunks.
- 1871
- 01:15:12,690 --> 01:15:13,523
- Let's go.
- 1872
- 01:15:15,180 --> 01:15:17,970
- And we did Fallujah, and we did Mosul,
- 1873
- 01:15:17,970 --> 01:15:20,270
- and we did Tikrit, and I was over there
- 1874
- 01:15:20,270 --> 01:15:22,350
- before Obama just gave it back.
- 1875
- 01:15:22,350 --> 01:15:23,570
- Goddammit.
- 1876
- 01:15:23,570 --> 01:15:24,697
- Oh I'm sorry, liberals, lighten up.
- 1877
- 01:15:24,697 --> 01:15:25,733
- $3 trillion?
- 1878
- 01:15:26,917 --> 01:15:30,390
- $3 trillion and we walked away?
- 1879
- 01:15:30,390 --> 01:15:32,280
- Could we at least leave Paul Blart here?
- 1880
- 01:15:32,280 --> 01:15:33,113
- Please? Maybe?
- 1881
- 01:15:35,440 --> 01:15:38,010
- You know, the yard
- ladies at my high school
- 1882
- 01:15:38,010 --> 01:15:41,160
- coulda held off Isis
- for a couple of weeks.
- 1883
- 01:15:41,160 --> 01:15:43,980
- But Obama was like, nope,
- George W. signed a treaty,
- 1884
- 01:15:43,980 --> 01:15:46,920
- and we have to be out by 2014,
- 1885
- 01:15:46,920 --> 01:15:48,750
- and we're gonna honor that treaty.
- 1886
- 01:15:48,750 --> 01:15:50,991
- It's the first time we've
- ever honored a treaty,
- 1887
- 01:15:50,991 --> 01:15:53,280
- (audience laughing)
- 1888
- 01:15:53,280 --> 01:15:56,933
- but we have to this time
- because I'm the black guy.
- 1889
- 01:16:02,063 --> 01:16:03,370
- Yeah, you conservatives thought I was,
- 1890
- 01:16:03,370 --> 01:16:05,070
- yeah, eh, oh, that's a good point.
- 1891
- 01:16:09,090 --> 01:16:11,347
- So, we do our show, and we're in Mosul,
- 1892
- 01:16:11,347 --> 01:16:12,530
- and we get three days in Mosul.
- 1893
- 01:16:12,530 --> 01:16:13,930
- We have to stay in Mosul for three days,
- 1894
- 01:16:13,930 --> 01:16:14,860
- 'cause they can't get us a flight.
- 1895
- 01:16:14,860 --> 01:16:17,010
- And staying in Mosul, Iraq is not,
- 1896
- 01:16:17,010 --> 01:16:18,270
- it's not Sandals, Iraq.
- 1897
- 01:16:18,270 --> 01:16:19,620
- It's not good, and it's just me
- 1898
- 01:16:19,620 --> 01:16:21,447
- and Everlast walking around the base.
- 1899
- 01:16:21,447 --> 01:16:23,060
- And the soldiers are like, guys,
- don't walk around the base.
- 1900
- 01:16:23,060 --> 01:16:26,250
- If you're going to the, you
- know, to eat, to the mess,
- 1901
- 01:16:26,250 --> 01:16:27,460
- you gotta move.
- 1902
- 01:16:27,460 --> 01:16:28,590
- And I'm like, why?
- 1903
- 01:16:28,590 --> 01:16:29,556
- And he's like, because.
- 1904
- 01:16:29,556 --> 01:16:32,580
- (initiates falling missile booming)
- 1905
- 01:16:32,580 --> 01:16:34,120
- We're a musician and a comedian.
- 1906
- 01:16:34,120 --> 01:16:35,522
- They were like, that's how
- they explained it to us.
- 1907
- 01:16:35,522 --> 01:16:38,680
- (initiates falling missile booming)
- 1908
- 01:16:38,680 --> 01:16:39,833
- Oh.
- 1909
- 01:16:42,090 --> 01:16:43,407
- So, after our first day,
- these soldiers show up,
- 1910
- 01:16:43,407 --> 01:16:45,500
- and they go, hey, we know you
- guys got a couple days off.
- 1911
- 01:16:45,500 --> 01:16:47,340
- Hey, if we can get you
- guys a chopper ride,
- 1912
- 01:16:47,340 --> 01:16:49,920
- will you guys go do a show
- at a forward operating base?
- 1913
- 01:16:49,920 --> 01:16:51,210
- And I was like, hell, yeah!
- 1914
- 01:16:51,210 --> 01:16:53,142
- 'Cause I didn't know what a
- forward operating base was.
- 1915
- 01:16:53,142 --> 01:16:56,142
- (audience laughing)
- 1916
- 01:16:57,090 --> 01:16:58,220
- Here's where we are.
- 1917
- 01:16:58,220 --> 01:17:00,230
- Here's the forward operating base.
- 1918
- 01:17:00,230 --> 01:17:01,480
- Here's where we're going.
- 1919
- 01:17:02,862 --> 01:17:03,695
- Uh.
- 1920
- 01:17:03,695 --> 01:17:04,528
- And it was funny, we got in this,
- 1921
- 01:17:04,528 --> 01:17:05,370
- we had to get this Black Hawk
- 1922
- 01:17:05,370 --> 01:17:06,480
- and they got the doors blown of it.
- 1923
- 01:17:06,480 --> 01:17:07,330
- And they put on my flak vest.
- 1924
- 01:17:07,330 --> 01:17:09,070
- It's like 120 degrees, and it's hot.
- 1925
- 01:17:09,070 --> 01:17:10,750
- And I put on my metal hat.
- 1926
- 01:17:10,750 --> 01:17:12,795
- My helmet, I put on my helmet.
- 1927
- 01:17:12,795 --> 01:17:16,300
- (audience laughing)
- 1928
- 01:17:16,300 --> 01:17:18,750
- All right, that's a joke,
- but it really happened.
- 1929
- 01:17:19,970 --> 01:17:21,330
- I was getting ready to get in the chopper.
- 1930
- 01:17:21,330 --> 01:17:22,867
- I had my flak vest on, and I
- put it down, and I lost it,
- 1931
- 01:17:22,867 --> 01:17:24,200
- and I get in the chopper.
- 1932
- 01:17:24,200 --> 01:17:25,630
- I go, anybody seen my metal hat?
- 1933
- 01:17:25,630 --> 01:17:26,930
- And all the soldiers went,
- 1934
- 01:17:27,889 --> 01:17:30,889
- (audience laughing)
- 1935
- 01:17:35,810 --> 01:17:37,563
- did you just say metal hat, sir?
- 1936
- 01:17:39,878 --> 01:17:42,463
- 'Cause it's made out of Kevlar
- and we call it a helmet.
- 1937
- 01:17:43,610 --> 01:17:45,460
- Don't say metal hat again, okay, sir?
- 1938
- 01:17:46,780 --> 01:17:48,307
- 'cause the doors are off this chopper and
- 1939
- 01:17:48,307 --> 01:17:52,724
- (initiates falling missile booming).
- 1940
- 01:17:55,310 --> 01:17:57,550
- So, we fly across the desert,
- and we're flyin' forever.
- 1941
- 01:17:57,550 --> 01:17:59,010
- And we had to divert
- around this sandstorm,
- 1942
- 01:17:59,010 --> 01:18:01,910
- which is amazing, 'cause we
- landed, my face was so smooth.
- 1943
- 01:18:03,760 --> 01:18:05,860
- And we get close to
- this, and we fly forever.
- 1944
- 01:18:05,860 --> 01:18:07,150
- And there's nothing there, it's desolate.
- 1945
- 01:18:07,150 --> 01:18:07,983
- What are we here for?
- 1946
- 01:18:07,983 --> 01:18:09,970
- There's just rocks,
- and dirt, and no trees,
- 1947
- 01:18:09,970 --> 01:18:11,150
- and all of a sudden, in the distance,
- 1948
- 01:18:11,150 --> 01:18:13,920
- we see this town and it's
- in the middle of nowhere.
- 1949
- 01:18:13,920 --> 01:18:16,430
- I mean there's no hills, water, nothing.
- 1950
- 01:18:16,430 --> 01:18:17,700
- What it looks like is people got pissed
- 1951
- 01:18:17,700 --> 01:18:18,760
- at the Mosul City Council, like,
- 1952
- 01:18:18,760 --> 01:18:20,690
- you know what, screw you.
- 1953
- 01:18:20,690 --> 01:18:21,820
- We're gonna start our own town!
- 1954
- 01:18:21,820 --> 01:18:23,020
- Come on, guys, let's go.
- 1955
- 01:18:23,020 --> 01:18:24,810
- And they started walking.
- 1956
- 01:18:24,810 --> 01:18:27,810
- And they walked a biblical distance,
- 1957
- 01:18:27,810 --> 01:18:29,920
- and somebody went, fuck it,
- we're gonna build it right here.
- 1958
- 01:18:29,920 --> 01:18:30,753
- I don't care.
- 1959
- 01:18:31,770 --> 01:18:34,070
- Naw, my flip-flops are
- all jacked up, I can't.
- 1960
- 01:18:34,975 --> 01:18:37,796
- No, I don't care what
- the white Jesus says.
- 1961
- 01:18:37,796 --> 01:18:40,796
- (audience laughing)
- 1962
- 01:18:43,510 --> 01:18:44,970
- So, we're comin' in, and as you see,
- 1963
- 01:18:44,970 --> 01:18:45,803
- so there's a town over here,
- 1964
- 01:18:45,803 --> 01:18:48,080
- and then 400 yards away,
- there's this big, giant complex.
- 1965
- 01:18:48,080 --> 01:18:50,540
- And we found later, that was
- the old mayor of the town.
- 1966
- 01:18:50,540 --> 01:18:52,940
- He had this big giant mansion
- and we commandeered it.
- 1967
- 01:18:52,940 --> 01:18:54,100
- I don't know what commandeered means,
- 1968
- 01:18:54,100 --> 01:18:55,790
- you're gonna have to
- ask an American Indian.
- 1969
- 01:18:55,790 --> 01:18:57,687
- (audience laughing)
- 1970
- 01:18:57,687 --> 01:19:02,687
- (audience whooping)
- (audience applauding)
- 1971
- 01:19:03,318 --> 01:19:06,068
- Titus, hysterical and historical.
- 1972
- 01:19:09,540 --> 01:19:11,060
- So, we come in and we land on the base,
- 1973
- 01:19:11,060 --> 01:19:12,170
- and we're inside.
- 1974
- 01:19:12,170 --> 01:19:13,220
- It's got these thick walls,
- 1975
- 01:19:13,220 --> 01:19:14,300
- and this little lieutenant
- comes up to help.
- 1976
- 01:19:14,300 --> 01:19:15,133
- He's got little glasses.
- 1977
- 01:19:15,133 --> 01:19:16,240
- I go, it's Radar O'Reilly,
- 1978
- 01:19:16,240 --> 01:19:19,260
- and nobody knows what the
- hell I'm talking about
- 1979
- 01:19:19,260 --> 01:19:21,733
- 'cause they're 14 and I'm 1,007.
- 1980
- 01:19:23,003 --> 01:19:24,350
- And we get out, we get out of the chopper,
- 1981
- 01:19:24,350 --> 01:19:27,410
- and I look over and up
- against the wall is a tank
- 1982
- 01:19:27,410 --> 01:19:29,030
- and the turret is pointed over the wall,
- 1983
- 01:19:29,030 --> 01:19:30,820
- directly at the town.
- 1984
- 01:19:30,820 --> 01:19:31,800
- And I go to the commander.
- 1985
- 01:19:31,800 --> 01:19:32,940
- I go, what's the deal with the tank?
- 1986
- 01:19:32,940 --> 01:19:34,517
- And he goes, "It's a reminder."
- 1987
- 01:19:39,420 --> 01:19:41,030
- That's how we're changing
- hearts and minds.
- 1988
- 01:19:41,030 --> 01:19:44,483
- Ah, we're reminding them.
- 1989
- 01:19:45,650 --> 01:19:46,483
- So, the guy takes it,
- 1990
- 01:19:46,483 --> 01:19:48,750
- and I wanna say, you wanna
- talk about being we the people?
- 1991
- 01:19:48,750 --> 01:19:52,180
- Every soldier I saw,
- white, black, Hispanic,
- 1992
- 01:19:52,180 --> 01:19:54,020
- didn't matter whatever religion they were,
- 1993
- 01:19:54,020 --> 01:19:55,050
- all working together.
- 1994
- 01:19:55,050 --> 01:19:56,360
- You wanna talk about we?
- 1995
- 01:19:56,360 --> 01:19:58,843
- Those guys did it every day
- and they were bad-ass at it.
- 1996
- 01:19:58,843 --> 01:20:01,704
- (audience cheering)
- (audience applauding)
- 1997
- 01:20:01,704 --> 01:20:06,704
- And, so this lieutenant takes
- up on the third balcony,
- 1998
- 01:20:07,890 --> 01:20:08,723
- and we're overlooking
- the town in the distance,
- 1999
- 01:20:08,723 --> 01:20:10,570
- and he starts talking
- about this town of Azrah
- 2000
- 01:20:10,570 --> 01:20:11,640
- that we're at and he goes,
- 2001
- 01:20:11,640 --> 01:20:13,563
- this town of Azrah is one of
- the smallest town in Iraq,
- 2002
- 01:20:13,563 --> 01:20:15,440
- and all the bad guys,
- the worst of the worst
- 2003
- 01:20:15,440 --> 01:20:16,400
- are coming here and hiding out,
- 2004
- 01:20:16,400 --> 01:20:17,720
- so we had to build his base here
- 2005
- 01:20:17,720 --> 01:20:18,553
- so we can go get 'em.
- 2006
- 01:20:18,553 --> 01:20:19,790
- And our guys go in every night,
- 2007
- 01:20:19,790 --> 01:20:20,623
- and they don't know
- what's behind that door,
- 2008
- 01:20:20,623 --> 01:20:22,330
- and they kick the door
- in and they're just,
- 2009
- 01:20:22,330 --> 01:20:23,430
- they're knockin' and rockin'.
- 2010
- 01:20:23,430 --> 01:20:25,300
- I was proud, I was like, yeah!
- 2011
- 01:20:25,300 --> 01:20:28,113
- And then my anus clenched shut.
- 2012
- 01:20:30,090 --> 01:20:32,740
- Like, I had this caveman
- fear come up in me.
- 2013
- 01:20:32,740 --> 01:20:33,900
- I don't know what happened,
- 2014
- 01:20:33,900 --> 01:20:36,460
- but I turned around, and
- about 20 feet behind us,
- 2015
- 01:20:36,460 --> 01:20:38,640
- this Special Ops guy had
- walked out onto the balcony,
- 2016
- 01:20:38,640 --> 01:20:40,040
- but he wouldn't come out any further.
- 2017
- 01:20:40,040 --> 01:20:41,870
- And he didn't have a lot
- of patches on his uniform.
- 2018
- 01:20:41,870 --> 01:20:42,890
- I don't know what unit he was in
- 2019
- 01:20:42,890 --> 01:20:44,970
- but, maybe, any military guy?
- 2020
- 01:20:44,970 --> 01:20:47,290
- The patch on his arm, it
- was Satan raping a bear.
- 2021
- 01:20:47,290 --> 01:20:48,123
- I don't know.
- 2022
- 01:20:50,720 --> 01:20:52,140
- Anybody wanna fight those guys?
- 2023
- 01:20:52,140 --> 01:20:53,590
- I'm not fightin' those guys.
- 2024
- 01:20:53,590 --> 01:20:54,760
- And this guy was crazy.
- 2025
- 01:20:54,760 --> 01:20:57,440
- He was (stammering), he was an X-Men,
- 2026
- 01:20:57,440 --> 01:20:59,140
- that's what he was, he was a X-Men.
- 2027
- 01:20:59,140 --> 01:21:00,700
- He had the waist of a 12-year-old girl,
- 2028
- 01:21:00,700 --> 01:21:01,920
- like the shoulders of a Yeti.
- 2029
- 01:21:01,920 --> 01:21:02,903
- It was insane,
- 2030
- 01:21:04,050 --> 01:21:05,480
- and he was also calm, too.
- 2031
- 01:21:05,480 --> 01:21:07,270
- Now, every man in this
- room who's been in a couple
- 2032
- 01:21:07,270 --> 01:21:08,987
- of bar fights, you know
- the guys you can fight
- 2033
- 01:21:08,987 --> 01:21:10,920
- and the guys you can't fight.
- 2034
- 01:21:10,920 --> 01:21:12,696
- That guy that's goin',
- come on, me and you,
- 2035
- 01:21:12,696 --> 01:21:14,310
- let's dance, let's do this!
- 2036
- 01:21:14,310 --> 01:21:15,143
- That guy?
- 2037
- 01:21:15,143 --> 01:21:15,976
- Get out your phones,
- 2038
- 01:21:15,976 --> 01:21:17,580
- He's getting his ass kicked,
- 2039
- 01:21:17,580 --> 01:21:21,100
- and it's gonna be hilarious.
- 2040
- 01:21:21,100 --> 01:21:24,020
- Then there's that other
- guy that just goes,
- 2041
- 01:21:24,020 --> 01:21:25,123
- sure you wanna fight?
- 2042
- 01:21:26,164 --> 01:21:29,164
- (audience laughing)
- 2043
- 01:21:34,200 --> 01:21:36,243
- As a matter of fact, I apologize.
- 2044
- 01:21:39,758 --> 01:21:40,800
- (audience whooping)
- 2045
- 01:21:40,800 --> 01:21:43,010
- And this guy was calmer
- than that guy, and very,
- 2046
- 01:21:43,010 --> 01:21:44,173
- he's standing 20 feet behind us
- 2047
- 01:21:44,173 --> 01:21:45,710
- on the edge of this balcony,
- 2048
- 01:21:45,710 --> 01:21:47,013
- and we're way out in the front of it,
- 2049
- 01:21:47,013 --> 01:21:48,507
- and he just goes, "Gentlemen,
- would you guys mind
- 2050
- 01:21:48,507 --> 01:21:50,760
- "coming back here for a second, please?"
- 2051
- 01:21:50,760 --> 01:21:53,570
- So, Everlast turns, 'cause
- in his voice, you heard it.
- 2052
- 01:21:53,570 --> 01:21:55,220
- Everlast walks past him, I walk past him,
- 2053
- 01:21:55,220 --> 01:21:56,280
- the lieutenant walks past him.
- 2054
- 01:21:56,280 --> 01:21:57,130
- As the the lieutenant walks over,
- 2055
- 01:21:57,130 --> 01:21:58,470
- he grabs the front of his shirt
- 2056
- 01:21:58,470 --> 01:22:01,570
- and part of his nipple,
- 'cause the kid made noise.
- 2057
- 01:22:01,570 --> 01:22:03,637
- The kid went, "Oh!"
- 2058
- 01:22:03,637 --> 01:22:06,150
- And now he's getting carry/dragged
- 2059
- 01:22:06,150 --> 01:22:08,460
- behind this wall, and the guy
- slams him against the wall,
- 2060
- 01:22:08,460 --> 01:22:10,033
- and I said, I am not next.
- 2061
- 01:22:12,490 --> 01:22:15,290
- I'm blaming him, he brought us out here.
- 2062
- 01:22:15,290 --> 01:22:16,553
- And the guy doesn't pay
- attention to me at all.
- 2063
- 01:22:16,553 --> 01:22:18,167
- Gets right in the kid's face, and he goes,
- 2064
- 01:22:18,167 --> 01:22:20,427
- "You do know there are snipers
- 2065
- 01:22:20,427 --> 01:22:23,710
- "in that town right now, right?"
- 2066
- 01:22:23,710 --> 01:22:26,600
- And Everlast goes, "Uh,
- can I kick his ass?"
- 2067
- 01:22:26,600 --> 01:22:29,710
- (audience laughing)
- 2068
- 01:22:29,710 --> 01:22:31,820
- And the guy was like, no,
- it's against Army regulations,
- 2069
- 01:22:31,820 --> 01:22:33,920
- plus I gotta rape him in a minute, anyway.
- 2070
- 01:22:35,230 --> 01:22:37,980
- Now, I didn't tell that story
- at the Christmas special.
- 2071
- 01:22:40,570 --> 01:22:41,870
- So, here's what a nice guy W. is.
- 2072
- 01:22:41,870 --> 01:22:43,320
- I'm in front of him doing my show.
- 2073
- 01:22:43,320 --> 01:22:44,670
- It's going all right.
- 2074
- 01:22:44,670 --> 01:22:46,180
- W. and his wife, Laura are sitting there.
- 2075
- 01:22:46,180 --> 01:22:47,450
- In the middle of it, I go, Mr. President,
- 2076
- 01:22:47,450 --> 01:22:48,860
- I go, it's hard for me to
- call you Mr. President.
- 2077
- 01:22:48,860 --> 01:22:50,060
- Can I just call you Hoss?
- 2078
- 01:22:50,060 --> 01:22:51,367
- - Hoss?
- - Yeah.
- 2079
- 01:22:51,367 --> 01:22:53,377
- And the whole room goes
- (imitates brakes squealing).
- 2080
- 01:22:55,318 --> 01:22:56,470
- I thought it would get a laugh
- 2081
- 01:22:56,470 --> 01:22:58,430
- not thinking that I just
- called the President
- 2082
- 01:22:58,430 --> 01:23:00,633
- of the United States Hoss.
- 2083
- 01:23:01,990 --> 01:23:03,407
- And W. looks at me and goes,
- 2084
- 01:23:03,407 --> 01:23:04,240
- "Yeah, Hoss.
- 2085
- 01:23:04,240 --> 01:23:06,307
- "I like that, go ahead
- and call me Hoss, yeah."
- 2086
- 01:23:07,600 --> 01:23:08,670
- Then at the end of that show,
- 2087
- 01:23:08,670 --> 01:23:09,780
- we're all standing on stage behind him,
- 2088
- 01:23:09,780 --> 01:23:11,250
- and he goes to the mic to make a speech.
- 2089
- 01:23:11,250 --> 01:23:12,437
- And he walk up and he goes,
- "How's everybody doin'?
- 2090
- 01:23:12,437 --> 01:23:15,117
- "Hoss here." (laughing)
- 2091
- 01:23:16,480 --> 01:23:18,280
- Then they invited me to the White House.
- 2092
- 01:23:18,280 --> 01:23:19,610
- I got to go to the White House?
- 2093
- 01:23:19,610 --> 01:23:20,730
- Make America Great Again?
- 2094
- 01:23:20,730 --> 01:23:23,080
- That's pretty, great, my God.
- 2095
- 01:23:23,080 --> 01:23:24,250
- And I had just got divorced.
- 2096
- 01:23:24,250 --> 01:23:26,010
- And met my new girl, and I got,
- 2097
- 01:23:26,010 --> 01:23:27,380
- married her, finally, by the way.
- 2098
- 01:23:27,380 --> 01:23:30,720
- My new wife is so far out
- of my league is ridiculous.
- 2099
- 01:23:30,720 --> 01:23:33,220
- Yeah, here's out of my league my wife is.
- 2100
- 01:23:33,220 --> 01:23:34,600
- We'll be in an airport somewhere.
- 2101
- 01:23:34,600 --> 01:23:35,690
- She'll get up to go to the bathroom
- 2102
- 01:23:35,690 --> 01:23:38,470
- and guys I don't know will
- walk over to me and go,
- 2103
- 01:23:38,470 --> 01:23:41,140
- dude, how did you land that?
- 2104
- 01:23:41,140 --> 01:23:43,760
- I'm like, I don't know, bro, I don't know.
- 2105
- 01:23:43,760 --> 01:23:46,260
- I have no idea. (chuckling)
- 2106
- 01:23:46,260 --> 01:23:48,143
- And don't you say nothing to her,
- 2107
- 01:23:50,220 --> 01:23:52,236
- 'cause she may not know this is weird.
- 2108
- 01:23:52,236 --> 01:23:55,236
- (audience laughing)
- 2109
- 01:23:57,610 --> 01:23:58,530
- So, I called her, I said,
- 2110
- 01:23:58,530 --> 01:24:00,320
- you wanna go on a date to The White House?
- 2111
- 01:24:00,320 --> 01:24:03,553
- No, not Waffle House, White House.
- 2112
- 01:24:04,750 --> 01:24:05,860
- She meets me there.
- 2113
- 01:24:05,860 --> 01:24:07,780
- She's got on a ball
- gown, I've got a tuxedo.
- 2114
- 01:24:07,780 --> 01:24:10,040
- We're in line to get a picture
- 2115
- 01:24:10,040 --> 01:24:12,230
- with W. and his wife, Laura.
- 2116
- 01:24:12,230 --> 01:24:14,503
- And here's what a normal dude W. is.
- 2117
- 01:24:15,390 --> 01:24:17,370
- As we walk over, he glances, sees my girl,
- 2118
- 01:24:17,370 --> 01:24:19,768
- and goes, "All right,
- things are looking up."
- 2119
- 01:24:19,768 --> 01:24:21,754
- (audience laughing)
- 2120
- 01:24:21,754 --> 01:24:26,085
- (audience whooping)
- (audience applauding)
- 2121
- 01:24:26,085 --> 01:24:29,502
- And I was like, fist bump, Mr. President.
- 2122
- 01:24:30,353 --> 01:24:31,467
- He was like, "I told you to call me Hoss.
- 2123
- 01:24:31,467 --> 01:24:32,597
- "Call me Hoss."
- 2124
- 01:24:34,300 --> 01:24:35,644
- Nice man, nice man, even when you see him
- 2125
- 01:24:35,644 --> 01:24:36,970
- in interviews now, with
- Clinton or whatever,
- 2126
- 01:24:36,970 --> 01:24:38,900
- he's just, he's self-deprecating,
- he's a nice guy.
- 2127
- 01:24:38,900 --> 01:24:41,740
- On the other hand, our new guy hate tweets
- 2128
- 01:24:41,740 --> 01:24:46,060
- about civil rights leaders on
- Martin Luther King weekend.
- 2129
- 01:24:46,060 --> 01:24:47,100
- Does he have a calendar?
- 2130
- 01:24:47,100 --> 01:24:48,650
- I'm gonna save this
- tweet till next Saturday.
- 2131
- 01:24:48,650 --> 01:24:50,050
- Maybe that would make sense.
- 2132
- 01:24:52,000 --> 01:24:55,170
- He's gone after some of
- America's most hated terrorists:
- 2133
- 01:24:55,170 --> 01:24:56,263
- Meryl Streep.
- 2134
- 01:24:58,450 --> 01:25:00,270
- Called Meryl Streep overrated.
- 2135
- 01:25:00,270 --> 01:25:03,440
- She's been nominated for
- 20 Oscars and won six.
- 2136
- 01:25:03,440 --> 01:25:06,050
- I'm sorry, you don't get to
- talk to talk shit about anybody
- 2137
- 01:25:06,050 --> 01:25:09,500
- if your best skill is
- bankruptcy and the comb over.
- 2138
- 01:25:09,500 --> 01:25:14,500
- (audience applauding)
- (audience whooping)
- 2139
- 01:25:15,417 --> 01:25:16,920
- And Trump people, I want you to know
- 2140
- 01:25:16,920 --> 01:25:18,600
- I'm not giving you my
- opinion, this is a fact.
- 2141
- 01:25:18,600 --> 01:25:21,633
- The man bankrupt four casinos.
- 2142
- 01:25:23,380 --> 01:25:25,483
- Do you know how casinos work?
- 2143
- 01:25:30,530 --> 01:25:32,063
- People walk into the casino.
- 2144
- 01:25:33,930 --> 01:25:36,573
- They hand over all their money.
- 2145
- 01:25:37,580 --> 01:25:41,277
- And then, they walk out of the casino.
- 2146
- 01:25:41,277 --> 01:25:42,720
- (audience applauding)
- 2147
- 01:25:42,720 --> 01:25:46,290
- (audience cheering)
- 2148
- 01:25:46,290 --> 01:25:49,050
- Somehow, he found the glitch in that.
- 2149
- 01:25:59,637 --> 01:26:01,540
- Ah, but again the problem
- is liberals in our country
- 2150
- 01:26:01,540 --> 01:26:02,670
- and here's why.
- 2151
- 01:26:02,670 --> 01:26:03,990
- Here's why: liberals right now
- 2152
- 01:26:03,990 --> 01:26:05,040
- think they have the moral high ground.
- 2153
- 01:26:05,040 --> 01:26:05,873
- They're actually all thinking that.
- 2154
- 01:26:05,873 --> 01:26:07,480
- You know, these people are
- stupid, they voted for Trump.
- 2155
- 01:26:07,480 --> 01:26:09,590
- They're not; they didn't know
- he was gonna be this guy.
- 2156
- 01:26:09,590 --> 01:26:11,530
- And now because everyone's
- talking shit online
- 2157
- 01:26:11,530 --> 01:26:12,920
- like a bunch of digital pussies,
- 2158
- 01:26:12,920 --> 01:26:14,200
- everyone's got their back up.
- 2159
- 01:26:14,200 --> 01:26:15,870
- You know, you can't say fuck you, dude.
- 2160
- 01:26:15,870 --> 01:26:17,170
- No one's gonna, oh, we're good, hug me.
- 2161
- 01:26:17,170 --> 01:26:18,370
- That's not what happens.
- 2162
- 01:26:19,450 --> 01:26:20,480
- We gotta learn to be cool.
- 2163
- 01:26:20,480 --> 01:26:22,170
- If we're gonna be we again.
- 2164
- 01:26:22,170 --> 01:26:23,500
- we got to be cool,
- peoples making mistakes.
- 2165
- 01:26:23,500 --> 01:26:24,710
- My grandmother's 84 years old.
- 2166
- 01:26:24,710 --> 01:26:25,543
- She voted for Trump.
- 2167
- 01:26:25,543 --> 01:26:27,460
- We're playing cards over Christmas,
- 2168
- 01:26:27,460 --> 01:26:29,380
- and in the middle of playing cards,
- 2169
- 01:26:29,380 --> 01:26:30,727
- she just goes, "I wish this man
- 2170
- 01:26:30,727 --> 01:26:32,904
- "would just put down the tweeter."
- 2171
- 01:26:32,904 --> 01:26:35,904
- (audience laughing)
- 2172
- 01:26:38,210 --> 01:26:39,610
- Cannot believe a voter for this idiot.
- 2173
- 01:26:39,610 --> 01:26:40,570
- I made a mistake.
- 2174
- 01:26:40,570 --> 01:26:41,860
- And you know what I didn't do?
- 2175
- 01:26:41,860 --> 01:26:43,333
- Yeah, bitch!
- 2176
- 01:26:43,333 --> 01:26:45,280
- (audience laughing)
- (audience applauding)
- 2177
- 01:26:45,280 --> 01:26:48,511
- Yeah, why don't you suck on that, Grandma?
- 2178
- 01:26:48,511 --> 01:26:49,344
- Yeah.
- 2179
- 01:26:56,490 --> 01:26:59,000
- They know, liberals, they know.
- 2180
- 01:26:59,000 --> 01:27:01,181
- They just don't know what to do about it.
- 2181
- 01:27:01,181 --> 01:27:02,610
- You know they gotta,
- they're gonna ride it out,
- 2182
- 01:27:02,610 --> 01:27:03,740
- but they know, trust me.
- 2183
- 01:27:03,740 --> 01:27:05,080
- They go home.
- 2184
- 01:27:05,080 --> 01:27:06,540
- We're all the same, people, we're all,
- 2185
- 01:27:06,540 --> 01:27:08,090
- I can prove we're, every
- one of us, the same.
- 2186
- 01:27:08,090 --> 01:27:09,610
- Every single one of us, in the morning,
- 2187
- 01:27:09,610 --> 01:27:11,360
- grabs our phone, hits the news feed,
- 2188
- 01:27:11,360 --> 01:27:14,340
- sees what he says, and says
- exactly what Paul Ryan says.
- 2189
- 01:27:14,340 --> 01:27:15,353
- Fuck!
- 2190
- 01:27:15,353 --> 01:27:18,650
- (audience laughing)
- 2191
- 01:27:18,650 --> 01:27:20,000
- We're all the same.
- 2192
- 01:27:20,000 --> 01:27:21,340
- Every single one of us knows
- 2193
- 01:27:21,340 --> 01:27:23,850
- every time we see Kellyanne
- Conway on the television
- 2194
- 01:27:23,850 --> 01:27:25,500
- that somewhere, she's got a coat
- 2195
- 01:27:25,500 --> 01:27:27,199
- made out of Dalmatian puppies.
- 2196
- 01:27:27,199 --> 01:27:31,239
- (audience laughing)
- (audience applauding)
- 2197
- 01:27:31,239 --> 01:27:32,189
- We're all the same.
- 2198
- 01:27:33,948 --> 01:27:34,781
- There's no difference.
- 2199
- 01:27:34,781 --> 01:27:35,614
- We're all Americans, man.
- 2200
- 01:27:35,614 --> 01:27:38,420
- Everyone in this room
- knows that from space,
- 2201
- 01:27:38,420 --> 01:27:39,940
- Trump's hair looks like Doppler radar
- 2202
- 01:27:39,940 --> 01:27:41,267
- during hurricane season.
- 2203
- 01:27:41,267 --> 01:27:44,919
- (audience laughing)
- (audience whooping)
- 2204
- 01:27:44,919 --> 01:27:47,473
- How do you comb your hair
- over from your neck, man?
- 2205
- 01:27:49,130 --> 01:27:50,073
- It's insane.
- 2206
- 01:27:51,000 --> 01:27:53,450
- We're all the same 'cause
- everybody in this room
- 2207
- 01:27:53,450 --> 01:27:54,740
- whether who you voted for,
- 2208
- 01:27:54,740 --> 01:27:56,060
- when he walked up the stairs that day
- 2209
- 01:27:56,060 --> 01:27:57,613
- and that whole thing went, baa.
- 2210
- 01:27:59,508 --> 01:28:02,047
- We all knew that's a Dr.
- Evil moment, oh my God.
- 2211
- 01:28:03,550 --> 01:28:05,460
- And he's obviously part clam.
- 2212
- 01:28:05,460 --> 01:28:06,513
- What just happened?
- 2213
- 01:28:10,660 --> 01:28:11,700
- So, I want everyone to be cool
- 2214
- 01:28:11,700 --> 01:28:12,660
- with people's mistakes now.
- 2215
- 01:28:12,660 --> 01:28:13,493
- We're all gonna be,
- 2216
- 01:28:13,493 --> 01:28:14,326
- in fact, I'm gonna tell
- you a story right now
- 2217
- 01:28:14,326 --> 01:28:15,520
- about one of the worst mistakes
- 2218
- 01:28:15,520 --> 01:28:17,100
- I have made in the last five years,
- 2219
- 01:28:17,100 --> 01:28:18,280
- and we're gonna laugh about it.
- 2220
- 01:28:18,280 --> 01:28:19,830
- And that's how we're gonna be
- when someone says they voted.
- 2221
- 01:28:19,830 --> 01:28:21,480
- Anyone, next time they
- go, dude, what happened?
- 2222
- 01:28:21,480 --> 01:28:22,470
- I can't believe I did this,
- 2223
- 01:28:22,470 --> 01:28:23,390
- you're not gonna get mad.
- 2224
- 01:28:23,390 --> 01:28:24,513
- You're not gonna be, oh, yeah, fuck you.
- 2225
- 01:28:24,513 --> 01:28:25,630
- He's not my president.
- 2226
- 01:28:25,630 --> 01:28:26,870
- Yeah, you live here, too, fucker.
- 2227
- 01:28:26,870 --> 01:28:27,703
- Yeah, he is.
- 2228
- 01:28:27,703 --> 01:28:29,540
- (audience laughing)
- (audience applauding)
- 2229
- 01:28:29,540 --> 01:28:30,910
- By the way, you don't have to like it,
- 2230
- 01:28:30,910 --> 01:28:31,987
- but we gotta figure out how to fix it,
- 2231
- 01:28:31,987 --> 01:28:34,070
- and the only way that's
- gonna happen is we.
- 2232
- 01:28:34,070 --> 01:28:36,710
- 'Kay, so, I'm gonna tell you a story.
- 2233
- 01:28:36,710 --> 01:28:37,543
- And you guys, it's the worst thing
- 2234
- 01:28:37,543 --> 01:28:38,854
- I did in the last five years.
- 2235
- 01:28:38,854 --> 01:28:42,280
- (clears throat) I started
- drinking when I was 15 years old.
- 2236
- 01:28:42,280 --> 01:28:47,113
- I stop drinking at 17 because
- I fell into a bonfire.
- 2237
- 01:28:47,113 --> 01:28:48,750
- (audience laughing)
- 2238
- 01:28:48,750 --> 01:28:50,155
- Oh, I got really good at drinkin'.
- 2239
- 01:28:50,155 --> 01:28:53,210
- That's gold-medal level, right there.
- 2240
- 01:28:53,210 --> 01:28:54,920
- Alcoholics Anonymous sent me a certificate
- 2241
- 01:28:54,920 --> 01:28:56,003
- that just said wow.
- 2242
- 01:28:57,984 --> 01:29:00,334
- And then under that it
- said, we can't help you.
- 2243
- 01:29:01,180 --> 01:29:03,370
- So, I stop drinking at 17 years old.
- 2244
- 01:29:03,370 --> 01:29:04,290
- I didn't drink again till I hit 41.
- 2245
- 01:29:04,290 --> 01:29:07,110
- I met my new girl, we're
- at dinner one night,
- 2246
- 01:29:07,110 --> 01:29:08,550
- having dinner, and I had water.
- 2247
- 01:29:08,550 --> 01:29:09,700
- And she goes, "How come
- you're not having a drink?"
- 2248
- 01:29:09,700 --> 01:29:12,220
- And I go, 'cause I fell into
- a bonfire when I was 17.
- 2249
- 01:29:12,220 --> 01:29:13,697
- And she goes, "But you're not 17 anymore.
- 2250
- 01:29:13,697 --> 01:29:15,107
- "You're a grown-ass man."
- 2251
- 01:29:16,312 --> 01:29:18,312
- And I thought, wow, you're an alcoholic.
- 2252
- 01:29:21,120 --> 01:29:21,953
- She's said, "No, I'm just saying
- 2253
- 01:29:21,953 --> 01:29:23,397
- "you're not making the
- decision of a child.
- 2254
- 01:29:23,397 --> 01:29:24,690
- "You're a grown man, have a drink."
- 2255
- 01:29:24,690 --> 01:29:26,890
- I go, do you run alcohol
- distribution company?
- 2256
- 01:29:26,890 --> 01:29:28,253
- What is wrong with you?
- 2257
- 01:29:29,110 --> 01:29:30,727
- And then she said, "I'm
- just saying a real man
- 2258
- 01:29:30,727 --> 01:29:31,583
- "would have a drink."
- 2259
- 01:29:31,583 --> 01:29:33,083
- - Whoa!
- 2260
- 01:29:35,210 --> 01:29:37,113
- - She's from Louisiana, I said okay.
- 2261
- 01:29:38,240 --> 01:29:42,129
- And she was showing a lot
- of side boob, so I said yes.
- 2262
- 01:29:42,129 --> 01:29:43,723
- I am only flesh and blood.
- 2263
- 01:29:45,252 --> 01:29:46,085
- And she was right,
- 2264
- 01:29:46,085 --> 01:29:46,918
- I was an older man, different guy,
- 2265
- 01:29:46,918 --> 01:29:47,751
- have a different life.
- 2266
- 01:29:47,751 --> 01:29:48,780
- I had a drink, I'm fine.
- 2267
- 01:29:48,780 --> 01:29:50,200
- I can drink, it's good, everything's fine.
- 2268
- 01:29:50,200 --> 01:29:52,380
- Everything's fine,
- yeah, yeah, I can drink.
- 2269
- 01:29:52,380 --> 01:29:53,213
- But...
- 2270
- 01:29:54,280 --> 01:29:55,770
- Recently, something happened.
- 2271
- 01:29:55,770 --> 01:29:57,430
- And by the way, and I'm
- the worst kind of drunk,
- 2272
- 01:29:57,430 --> 01:29:58,263
- 'cause I'm happy drunk.
- 2273
- 01:29:58,263 --> 01:29:59,870
- You can't piss me off.
- 2274
- 01:29:59,870 --> 01:30:00,720
- We'll be in a bar somewhere,
- 2275
- 01:30:00,720 --> 01:30:02,060
- someone's goin', what
- the hell you lookin' at?
- 2276
- 01:30:02,060 --> 01:30:03,955
- Your hair is amazing.
- 2277
- 01:30:03,955 --> 01:30:06,955
- (audience laughing)
- 2278
- 01:30:08,965 --> 01:30:10,460
- Is that a mousse or a pomade,
- 2279
- 01:30:10,460 --> 01:30:13,023
- 'cause you are beautiful, Brad Pitt.
- 2280
- 01:30:14,515 --> 01:30:15,700
- Oh, you wanna do me, homo?
- 2281
- 01:30:15,700 --> 01:30:17,853
- No, but we can get married legally now.
- 2282
- 01:30:20,853 --> 01:30:22,915
- Hell, I'll even bake you a cake.
- 2283
- 01:30:22,915 --> 01:30:27,915
- (audience applauding)
- (audience whooping)
- 2284
- 01:30:30,895 --> 01:30:33,040
- (drunken laughing) I'm
- gonna need a couple more
- 2285
- 01:30:33,040 --> 01:30:33,890
- of these, though,
- 2286
- 01:30:34,990 --> 01:30:37,003
- 'cause I know my mouth is gorgeous.
- 2287
- 01:30:39,870 --> 01:30:41,687
- I'm the guy, when people
- are dragging me out
- 2288
- 01:30:41,687 --> 01:30:42,520
- and I'm laughing at 'em,
- 2289
- 01:30:42,520 --> 01:30:43,830
- I'm like, what, we're just talking.
- 2290
- 01:30:43,830 --> 01:30:44,740
- No, he's gonna kill you.
- 2291
- 01:30:44,740 --> 01:30:46,140
- Why? What?
- 2292
- 01:30:46,140 --> 01:30:46,973
- Is he mad?
- 2293
- 01:30:46,973 --> 01:30:48,020
- Come on, gimme a hug.
- 2294
- 01:30:48,020 --> 01:30:48,880
- Come on, it's okay.
- 2295
- 01:30:48,880 --> 01:30:50,512
- Here, hug it out.
- 2296
- 01:30:50,512 --> 01:30:52,262
- Let's all hug it out.
- 2297
- 01:30:54,710 --> 01:30:56,860
- I'm a pain in the ass,
- dude, I'm the worst.
- 2298
- 01:30:58,200 --> 01:30:59,680
- So, you know, I can
- drink, everything's fine.
- 2299
- 01:30:59,680 --> 01:31:02,510
- So I got, but I got one, okay.
- 2300
- 01:31:02,510 --> 01:31:05,550
- So, a while back, I got home
- from one of my road gigs
- 2301
- 01:31:05,550 --> 01:31:07,330
- and on Monday I take the
- day off and I watch my shows
- 2302
- 01:31:07,330 --> 01:31:08,183
- on my DVR.
- 2303
- 01:31:08,183 --> 01:31:10,590
- I was watching Street
- Outlaws, or whatever it is.
- 2304
- 01:31:10,590 --> 01:31:12,173
- And I had three glasses of wine.
- 2305
- 01:31:12,173 --> 01:31:13,100
- I had three, I had three.
- 2306
- 01:31:13,100 --> 01:31:15,839
- I poured a whole bottle
- into three glasses of wine.
- 2307
- 01:31:15,839 --> 01:31:17,486
- (audience laughing)
- 2308
- 01:31:17,486 --> 01:31:20,504
- (audience applauding)
- 2309
- 01:31:20,504 --> 01:31:21,730
- And I drank it over three hours,
- 2310
- 01:31:21,730 --> 01:31:23,823
- he says to justify his behavior.
- 2311
- 01:31:26,315 --> 01:31:27,670
- I got done drinking, it was
- three hours, I remembered.
- 2312
- 01:31:27,670 --> 01:31:29,115
- I went upstairs and my
- wife was already in bed.
- 2313
- 01:31:29,115 --> 01:31:29,948
- And I get in bed.
- 2314
- 01:31:29,948 --> 01:31:31,657
- She goes, "Hey, your
- throat sounds kinda raspy.
- 2315
- 01:31:31,657 --> 01:31:33,688
- "I want you to take this Benadryl."
- 2316
- 01:31:33,688 --> 01:31:34,521
- - Oh.
- 2317
- 01:31:34,521 --> 01:31:36,190
- - I didn't know this part, see?
- 2318
- 01:31:36,190 --> 01:31:37,330
- This is the part.
- 2319
- 01:31:37,330 --> 01:31:38,710
- I don't take medication.
- 2320
- 01:31:38,710 --> 01:31:41,520
- I did not know that wine
- plus wine, plus wine,
- 2321
- 01:31:41,520 --> 01:31:44,413
- plus Benadryl equals oh my God, no.
- 2322
- 01:31:44,413 --> 01:31:47,037
- (audience laughing)
- 2323
- 01:31:47,037 --> 01:31:49,266
- And that's the second math
- joke I have ever written.
- 2324
- 01:31:49,266 --> 01:31:50,592
- (audience cheering)
- 2325
- 01:31:50,592 --> 01:31:55,592
- Thank you.
- 2326
- 01:31:56,380 --> 01:31:57,780
- So, I took the Benadryl 'cause I love her.
- 2327
- 01:31:57,780 --> 01:32:00,330
- Well, she can just hand
- me anything, take this.
- 2328
- 01:32:00,330 --> 01:32:02,670
- Okay. (vocal burbling)
- 2329
- 01:32:02,670 --> 01:32:03,913
- Why am I foaming now?
- 2330
- 01:32:05,301 --> 01:32:06,280
- She's just counting money.
- 2331
- 01:32:06,280 --> 01:32:07,380
- No reason, keep going.
- 2332
- 01:32:09,570 --> 01:32:11,590
- People, I took that
- Benadryl after that wine.
- 2333
- 01:32:11,590 --> 01:32:14,543
- I slept like I have
- never slept in my life.
- 2334
- 01:32:16,370 --> 01:32:18,013
- Almost went into the light.
- 2335
- 01:32:20,660 --> 01:32:23,580
- Woke up the next morning like
- I had a blood transfusion
- 2336
- 01:32:23,580 --> 01:32:25,140
- like I feel incredible!
- 2337
- 01:32:25,140 --> 01:32:27,150
- This must be what Oprah
- and Keith Richards do.
- 2338
- 01:32:27,150 --> 01:32:29,243
- This is incredible, woo!
- 2339
- 01:32:30,940 --> 01:32:33,340
- But my house was weird.
- 2340
- 01:32:33,340 --> 01:32:34,960
- Like, my wife woke up, she was grumpy,
- 2341
- 01:32:34,960 --> 01:32:35,989
- but she wakes up grumpy sometimes.
- 2342
- 01:32:35,989 --> 01:32:36,822
- I didn't think about that,
- 2343
- 01:32:36,822 --> 01:32:38,190
- but my dogs were inconsistent
- 2344
- 01:32:38,190 --> 01:32:39,160
- and my dogs are very constant.
- 2345
- 01:32:39,160 --> 01:32:40,270
- Every morning, I wake up,
- 2346
- 01:32:40,270 --> 01:32:42,658
- my older dog just face
- rapes me for five minutes.
- 2347
- 01:32:42,658 --> 01:32:44,330
- That's what he does.
- 2348
- 01:32:44,330 --> 01:32:45,790
- This morning, though, he was sitting
- 2349
- 01:32:45,790 --> 01:32:47,560
- at the end of the bed as
- far as he could get away
- 2350
- 01:32:47,560 --> 01:32:48,493
- from me, going.
- 2351
- 01:32:50,560 --> 01:32:52,240
- Our younger dog, who's the dark soul,
- 2352
- 01:32:52,240 --> 01:32:54,463
- he listens to Nine Inch
- Nails all the time,
- 2353
- 01:32:55,350 --> 01:32:56,710
- usually under the bed shivering.
- 2354
- 01:32:56,710 --> 01:32:58,550
- This morning, however,
- he's bouncing all over me
- 2355
- 01:32:58,550 --> 01:33:00,680
- like whatever I did last, we were buddies,
- 2356
- 01:33:00,680 --> 01:33:01,900
- gonna hang out in the smoking area
- 2357
- 01:33:01,900 --> 01:33:04,433
- and carve our initials in our arm.
- 2358
- 01:33:05,347 --> 01:33:06,190
- I didn't think anything of it.
- 2359
- 01:33:06,190 --> 01:33:07,490
- I just went about my day.
- 2360
- 01:33:07,490 --> 01:33:09,070
- And my wife didn't say anything to me,
- 2361
- 01:33:09,070 --> 01:33:10,810
- but instead, as I'm going about my day,
- 2362
- 01:33:10,810 --> 01:33:13,570
- she started to noise me into an argument.
- 2363
- 01:33:13,570 --> 01:33:14,630
- Oh yeah, (stammering).
- 2364
- 01:33:14,630 --> 01:33:16,310
- She wouldn't say anything,
- but I get my coffee,
- 2365
- 01:33:16,310 --> 01:33:17,480
- I'm walkin' down the hall,
- and as she goes by me,
- 2366
- 01:33:17,480 --> 01:33:18,500
- she goes, (loud grumbling sighing).
- 2367
- 01:33:21,890 --> 01:33:24,333
- You should know what I'm doing right now.
- 2368
- 01:33:27,657 --> 01:33:28,797
- 'Cause I walked past her two hours later
- 2369
- 01:33:28,797 --> 01:33:31,087
- and she just went, "Wow."
- 2370
- 01:33:34,519 --> 01:33:35,352
- And I'm not biting.
- 2371
- 01:33:35,352 --> 01:33:36,450
- I know what's coming, I'm not gonna bite.
- 2372
- 01:33:36,450 --> 01:33:37,577
- I just keep ignoring her.
- 2373
- 01:33:37,577 --> 01:33:38,717
- And two hours later, she walks past me
- 2374
- 01:33:38,717 --> 01:33:41,437
- and she just goes, "Unbelievable!"
- 2375
- 01:33:42,409 --> 01:33:43,242
- What?
- 2376
- 01:33:45,000 --> 01:33:46,057
- And she whips on me and she goes,
- 2377
- 01:33:46,057 --> 01:33:47,850
- "Do you know what you did last night?"
- 2378
- 01:33:47,850 --> 01:33:49,290
- And that sentence is never followed
- 2379
- 01:33:49,290 --> 01:33:51,572
- by, you saved a baby from a fire.
- 2380
- 01:33:51,572 --> 01:33:54,970
- (audience applauding)
- (audience laughing)
- 2381
- 01:33:54,970 --> 01:33:56,720
- You cured cancer, filed a patent,
- 2382
- 01:33:56,720 --> 01:33:57,840
- and we never have to work again.
- 2383
- 01:33:57,840 --> 01:33:59,733
- That's what you did last night!
- 2384
- 01:34:01,520 --> 01:34:03,740
- So, I sat down on the edge of the bed
- 2385
- 01:34:05,910 --> 01:34:08,510
- 'cause I'd heard that
- sentence before when I was 17,
- 2386
- 01:34:09,890 --> 01:34:13,230
- and I said, no, what did I do last night?
- 2387
- 01:34:13,230 --> 01:34:14,063
- And she said, "You were sleeping
- 2388
- 01:34:14,063 --> 01:34:15,180
- "like I've never seen you sleep."
- 2389
- 01:34:15,180 --> 01:34:16,593
- And I said, I remember that.
- 2390
- 01:34:19,480 --> 01:34:21,337
- She said, "About three a.m, you got up
- 2391
- 01:34:21,337 --> 01:34:22,589
- "to go to the bathroom."
- 2392
- 01:34:22,589 --> 01:34:24,440
- (audience chuckling)
- 2393
- 01:34:24,440 --> 01:34:26,740
- You shouldn't be that
- far ahead of me on this.
- 2394
- 01:34:31,677 --> 01:34:33,377
- "You got up to go to the bathroom.
- 2395
- 01:34:34,837 --> 01:34:36,483
- "walked into the closet,
- 2396
- 01:34:41,477 --> 01:34:45,923
- "opened your pants, then
- opened your pajama drawer,
- 2397
- 01:34:48,577 --> 01:34:49,847
- "and filled it."
- 2398
- 01:34:54,381 --> 01:34:56,070
- And I said, with what?
- 2399
- 01:34:58,839 --> 01:35:01,439
- Because I didn't want the
- dogs to have one up on me.
- 2400
- 01:35:04,210 --> 01:35:06,367
- She said, "Then you pulled up your pants,
- 2401
- 01:35:06,367 --> 01:35:09,807
- "closed your pajama drawer, and flushed it
- 2402
- 01:35:09,807 --> 01:35:12,080
- "by flicking off the light switch."
- 2403
- 01:35:12,080 --> 01:35:17,080
- (audience laughing) (audience applauding)
- 2404
- 01:35:22,282 --> 01:35:25,270
- I peed in my pajama drawer.
- 2405
- 01:35:25,270 --> 01:35:26,790
- Now, I know a lot of
- you are more weirded out
- 2406
- 01:35:26,790 --> 01:35:28,190
- that I have a pajama drawer,
- 2407
- 01:35:30,630 --> 01:35:32,520
- but my wife loves Jimmy Stewart,
- 2408
- 01:35:32,520 --> 01:35:34,120
- and she likes me to sleep silky.
- 2409
- 01:35:36,240 --> 01:35:37,873
- Our safe word is Harvey.
- 2410
- 01:35:39,250 --> 01:35:42,417
- (audience applauding)
- 2411
- 01:35:45,645 --> 01:35:46,610
- I made a dumb mistake.
- 2412
- 01:35:46,610 --> 01:35:48,550
- It's a dumb mistake,
- it was a dumb mistake.
- 2413
- 01:35:48,550 --> 01:35:49,900
- So, next times, you liberals,
- 2414
- 01:35:49,900 --> 01:35:51,064
- one sitting next to you, Trump people go,
- 2415
- 01:35:51,064 --> 01:35:52,190
- God, I voted for this guy, and man,
- 2416
- 01:35:52,190 --> 01:35:53,430
- he's just not living up to it.
- 2417
- 01:35:53,430 --> 01:35:54,680
- I wish I hadn't voted for him.
- 2418
- 01:35:54,680 --> 01:35:55,513
- Don't get in their face.
- 2419
- 01:35:55,513 --> 01:35:57,090
- Just go, that's okay, you
- peed in your pajama drawer.
- 2420
- 01:35:57,090 --> 01:35:58,253
- It's all right.
- 2421
- 01:36:00,911 --> 01:36:02,120
- But here's how we can save America,
- 2422
- 01:36:02,120 --> 01:36:05,620
- if we can just get rid of the
- confidently-stupid people.
- 2423
- 01:36:05,620 --> 01:36:06,730
- I'm not talking about normal stupid,
- 2424
- 01:36:06,730 --> 01:36:07,743
- or don't know and are trying,
- 2425
- 01:36:07,743 --> 01:36:09,090
- I talking about the people that don't know
- 2426
- 01:36:09,090 --> 01:36:11,050
- and are proud they don't
- know, and think they know.
- 2427
- 01:36:11,050 --> 01:36:12,340
- You know the people I'm talking about?
- 2428
- 01:36:12,340 --> 01:36:13,173
- People that just yell at you.
- 2429
- 01:36:13,173 --> 01:36:14,050
- You give 'em a fact, they're like,
- 2430
- 01:36:14,050 --> 01:36:15,640
- I don't believe that.
- 2431
- 01:36:15,640 --> 01:36:18,580
- Well, it doesn't care what
- you believe, it's a fact.
- 2432
- 01:36:18,580 --> 01:36:19,840
- Where'd you get that fact?
- 2433
- 01:36:19,840 --> 01:36:20,803
- NASA.
- 2434
- 01:36:22,240 --> 01:36:24,390
- NASA, a bunch of nerds,
- and geeks, and elites.
- 2435
- 01:36:24,390 --> 01:36:25,223
- 'Cause that's what stupid people do.
- 2436
- 01:36:25,223 --> 01:36:26,950
- Instead of just taking five minutes
- 2437
- 01:36:26,950 --> 01:36:28,560
- to look it up, they came up with the words
- 2438
- 01:36:28,560 --> 01:36:30,000
- to make fun of smart people.
- 2439
- 01:36:30,000 --> 01:36:33,436
- You know, words like
- nerd, and geek, homeowner.
- 2440
- 01:36:33,436 --> 01:36:36,436
- (audience laughing)
- 2441
- 01:36:38,177 --> 01:36:39,760
- Elite, the damn elites running it.
- 2442
- 01:36:39,760 --> 01:36:41,430
- And I was on the elite boat for a minute.
- 2443
- 01:36:41,430 --> 01:36:42,760
- During the election, I was
- like, yeah, the elites!
- 2444
- 01:36:42,760 --> 01:36:44,660
- Then I looked up what elite means.
- 2445
- 01:36:44,660 --> 01:36:45,630
- You know what elite means?
- 2446
- 01:36:45,630 --> 01:36:47,310
- It means best of the best.
- 2447
- 01:36:47,310 --> 01:36:50,070
- Elite means you're better than
- almost anybody at your job.
- 2448
- 01:36:50,070 --> 01:36:51,130
- If you're elite at what you do,
- 2449
- 01:36:51,130 --> 01:36:52,530
- you're in the top 5%.
- 2450
- 01:36:52,530 --> 01:36:53,930
- That's who I want running shit,
- 2451
- 01:36:53,930 --> 01:36:56,633
- not somebody who owned a beauty pageant.
- 2452
- 01:36:56,633 --> 01:36:59,404
- (audience applauding)
- (audience cheering)
- 2453
- 01:36:59,404 --> 01:37:01,070
- Sorry.
- 2454
- 01:37:01,070 --> 01:37:03,250
- Do you know why?
- 2455
- 01:37:03,250 --> 01:37:04,740
- 'Cause every man on the planet
- 2456
- 01:37:04,740 --> 01:37:07,313
- when it comes to boobs
- and butts is pretty elite,
- 2457
- 01:37:08,970 --> 01:37:11,820
- but I wouldn't trust one of
- you bitches with the economy.
- 2458
- 01:37:13,479 --> 01:37:15,290
- - Yeah!
- 2459
- 01:37:15,290 --> 01:37:16,970
- - I don't like the confidently-stupid.
- 2460
- 01:37:16,970 --> 01:37:17,803
- And do you know how hard it is
- 2461
- 01:37:17,803 --> 01:37:19,397
- to be stupid and not know in 2018?
- 2462
- 01:37:19,397 --> 01:37:21,700
- One time, it was being the smartest mammal
- 2463
- 01:37:21,700 --> 01:37:22,533
- to walk the planet.
- 2464
- 01:37:22,533 --> 01:37:24,810
- Every single one of us down
- to the dumbest person in here
- 2465
- 01:37:24,810 --> 01:37:26,190
- has one of these phones,
- 2466
- 01:37:26,190 --> 01:37:28,410
- and in that phone, clickety-clack,
- 2467
- 01:37:28,410 --> 01:37:31,130
- is every piece of information
- 2468
- 01:37:31,130 --> 01:37:33,250
- from the beginning of recorded history,
- 2469
- 01:37:33,250 --> 01:37:36,493
- and it's four inches from
- your butt hole, all day long,
- 2470
- 01:37:37,770 --> 01:37:40,063
- and you still found time to be a dumbass?
- 2471
- 01:37:41,260 --> 01:37:43,450
- The gas pumps at the, have a screen
- 2472
- 01:37:43,450 --> 01:37:45,440
- pumping new information
- while you're pumping gas,
- 2473
- 01:37:45,440 --> 01:37:46,450
- and you're still stupid?
- 2474
- 01:37:46,450 --> 01:37:47,500
- How is that possible?
- 2475
- 01:37:50,270 --> 01:37:53,330
- Stupid people must just get
- home tired every day, you know?
- 2476
- 01:37:53,330 --> 01:37:55,250
- 'Cause it's so hard to be stupid now.
- 2477
- 01:37:55,250 --> 01:37:56,640
- Your wife goes, what's the matter, hon?
- 2478
- 01:37:56,640 --> 01:37:57,780
- Oh, babe, I'm so beat.
- 2479
- 01:37:57,780 --> 01:37:59,450
- Today was rough, I had
- to walk to the world
- 2480
- 01:37:59,450 --> 01:38:01,490
- avoiding truth, and knowledge, and facts.
- 2481
- 01:38:01,490 --> 01:38:03,860
- Oh, yeah. it was horrible.
- 2482
- 01:38:03,860 --> 01:38:05,530
- Thank God you put that song on my iPod.
- 2483
- 01:38:05,530 --> 01:38:07,760
- La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
- 2484
- 01:38:07,760 --> 01:38:08,593
- That was great.
- 2485
- 01:38:08,593 --> 01:38:09,950
- I just don't wanna think anymore, babe.
- 2486
- 01:38:09,950 --> 01:38:11,210
- I just wanna turn my brain off.
- 2487
- 01:38:11,210 --> 01:38:13,223
- Put on Fox News, please, put on Fox.
- 2488
- 01:38:14,542 --> 01:38:15,684
- Please put on Fox News.
- 2489
- 01:38:15,684 --> 01:38:20,480
- (audience applauding)
- (audience whooping)
- 2490
- 01:38:20,480 --> 01:38:22,160
- Quick fact for you people that thinkin'
- 2491
- 01:38:22,160 --> 01:38:24,530
- this lib-tard snowflake,
- thinking anything like that.
- 2492
- 01:38:24,530 --> 01:38:27,180
- Fox News was proven,
- after a fact check on 'em
- 2493
- 01:38:27,180 --> 01:38:29,163
- to be 17% accurate.
- 2494
- 01:38:30,810 --> 01:38:32,990
- CNN's only 73%, but 17?
- 2495
- 01:38:32,990 --> 01:38:34,097
- Damn, I did better than that in school
- 2496
- 01:38:34,097 --> 01:38:35,931
- and I got four Fs and a D.
- 2497
- 01:38:35,931 --> 01:38:38,374
- (audience applauding)
- 2498
- 01:38:38,374 --> 01:38:40,830
- (audience whistling)
- 2499
- 01:38:40,830 --> 01:38:43,970
- Fox News is like the Tofurky of news
- 2500
- 01:38:45,610 --> 01:38:47,030
- 'cause it's not what it says it is,
- 2501
- 01:38:47,030 --> 01:38:48,500
- but I like Fox for a lot of reasons,
- 2502
- 01:38:48,500 --> 01:38:50,660
- 'cause as a older gentleman, I know
- 2503
- 01:38:50,660 --> 01:38:52,198
- where to get a comfortable catheter.
- 2504
- 01:38:52,198 --> 01:38:55,198
- (audience laughing)
- 2505
- 01:38:56,300 --> 01:38:58,743
- Don't need it yet, I'm
- waiting for a coupon.
- 2506
- 01:39:01,040 --> 01:39:02,270
- Do you guys know the
- people I'm talking about,
- 2507
- 01:39:02,270 --> 01:39:04,030
- the confidently stupid, that are just so,
- 2508
- 01:39:04,030 --> 01:39:05,330
- like, they don't have any
- facts but they're loud about it
- 2509
- 01:39:05,330 --> 01:39:07,160
- so everyone just backs off?
- 2510
- 01:39:07,160 --> 01:39:08,580
- Yeah, I know, I know.
- 2511
- 01:39:08,580 --> 01:39:12,490
- 98% of climatologists
- say climate change exists
- 2512
- 01:39:12,490 --> 01:39:16,197
- but 2% say it don't, so
- that makes it inconclusive.
- 2513
- 01:39:16,197 --> 01:39:19,197
- (audience laughing)
- 2514
- 01:39:20,606 --> 01:39:21,646
- Okay.
- 2515
- 01:39:21,646 --> 01:39:25,478
- So, if I'm 98% inside your girlfriend
- 2516
- 01:39:25,478 --> 01:39:27,741
- (audience whooping)
- 2517
- 01:39:27,741 --> 01:39:30,908
- (audience applauding)
- 2518
- 01:39:34,100 --> 01:39:39,100
- is she cheating on you
- or is it inconclusive?
- 2519
- 01:39:40,890 --> 01:39:43,853
- Either way, I believe
- you've been disenfranchised.
- 2520
- 01:39:43,853 --> 01:39:45,783
- (audience applauding)
- (audience cheering)
- 2521
- 01:39:45,783 --> 01:39:47,883
- Thank you very much.
- 2522
- 01:39:47,883 --> 01:39:49,443
- Thank you, very much.
- 2523
- 01:39:49,443 --> 01:39:50,663
- Fix this bitch!
- 2524
- 01:39:50,663 --> 01:39:51,973
- Fix this bitch!
- 2525
- 01:39:51,973 --> 01:39:53,234
- - Fix this bitch!
- 2526
- 01:39:53,234 --> 01:39:54,535
- Fix this bitch!
- 2527
- 01:39:54,535 --> 01:39:55,863
- Fix this bitch!
- 2528
- 01:39:55,863 --> 01:39:57,103
- Fix this bitch!
- 2529
- 01:39:57,103 --> 01:39:58,791
- - Goodnight, everybody,
- thank you very much!
- 2530
- 01:39:58,791 --> 01:40:03,791
- (rock version of "The
- Star-Spangled Banner")
- 2531
- 01:40:05,469 --> 01:40:06,871
- See you guys again!
- 2532
- 01:40:06,871 --> 01:40:08,119
- Thank you, so much!
- 2533
- 01:40:08,119 --> 01:40:08,952
- Goodnight.
- 2534
- 01:40:15,775 --> 01:40:16,608
- Bye, guys.
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