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Christopher Titus: Amerigeddon (2019)

Nov 17th, 2019
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  1. 1
  2. 00:00:03,420 --> 00:00:06,270
  3. - Of such idle stockpiles,
  4.  
  5. 2
  6. 00:00:06,270 --> 00:00:09,570
  7. which can only destroy and never create
  8.  
  9. 3
  10. 00:00:09,570 --> 00:00:13,730
  11. is not the only, much
  12. less the most efficient
  13.  
  14. 4
  15. 00:00:13,730 --> 00:00:15,363
  16. means of assuring peace.
  17.  
  18. 5
  19. 00:00:16,290 --> 00:00:18,620
  20. I speak of peace therefore,
  21.  
  22. 6
  23. 00:00:18,620 --> 00:00:23,620
  24. as the necessary, rational
  25. end of rational men.
  26.  
  27. 7
  28. 00:00:23,680 --> 00:00:26,650
  29. - They will be met with fire and fury
  30.  
  31. 8
  32. 00:00:26,650 --> 00:00:28,950
  33. like the world has never seen.
  34.  
  35. 9
  36. 00:00:28,950 --> 00:00:32,660
  37. - Why have we not been able
  38. to get together as a nation?
  39.  
  40. 10
  41. 00:00:32,660 --> 00:00:35,110
  42. - Donald Trump says he
  43. admires Vladimir Putin.
  44.  
  45. 11
  46. 00:00:35,110 --> 00:00:38,880
  47. - There is no collusion
  48. between me, and my campaign,
  49.  
  50. 12
  51. 00:00:38,880 --> 00:00:40,090
  52. and the Russians.
  53.  
  54. 13
  55. 00:00:40,090 --> 00:00:40,923
  56. - The trouble with our liberal friends
  57.  
  58. 14
  59. 00:00:40,923 --> 00:00:42,470
  60. is not that they're ignorant,
  61.  
  62. 15
  63. 00:00:42,470 --> 00:00:44,810
  64. it's just that they know
  65. so much that isn't so.
  66.  
  67. 16
  68. 00:00:44,810 --> 00:00:46,710
  69. - Politics of division and resentment,
  70.  
  71. 17
  72. 00:00:46,710 --> 00:00:49,690
  73. and paranoia has
  74. unfortunately found a home
  75.  
  76. 18
  77. 00:00:49,690 --> 00:00:50,620
  78. in the Republican Party.
  79.  
  80. 19
  81. 00:00:50,620 --> 00:00:53,910
  82. - To get that son of a bitch
  83. off the field, right now.
  84.  
  85. 20
  86. 00:00:53,910 --> 00:00:56,850
  87. Out, he's fired.
  88. (crowd cheering)
  89.  
  90. 21
  91. 00:00:56,850 --> 00:00:58,460
  92. Fired!
  93.  
  94. 22
  95. 00:00:58,460 --> 00:00:59,700
  96. - Yes, we should deport them.
  97.  
  98. 23
  99. 00:00:59,700 --> 00:01:00,690
  100. We should build a wall.
  101.  
  102. 24
  103. 00:01:00,690 --> 00:01:02,210
  104. We should triple the border patrol.
  105.  
  106. 25
  107. 00:01:02,210 --> 00:01:04,290
  108. - I think there's blame on both sides.
  109.  
  110. 26
  111. 00:01:04,290 --> 00:01:06,800
  112. - He will be the voice
  113. of all us outsiders,
  114.  
  115. 27
  116. 00:01:06,800 --> 00:01:09,700
  117. all us deplorables, all of us losers,
  118.  
  119. 28
  120. 00:01:09,700 --> 00:01:11,750
  121. all of us morons.
  122.  
  123. 29
  124. 00:01:11,750 --> 00:01:15,090
  125. - What difference at
  126. this point does it make?
  127.  
  128. 30
  129. 00:01:15,090 --> 00:01:18,558
  130. - Which is why I alone can fix it.
  131.  
  132. 31
  133. 00:01:18,558 --> 00:01:22,558
  134. (rapidly increasing heart beat)
  135.  
  136. 32
  137. 00:01:25,450 --> 00:01:30,219
  138. (hard rock instrumental of
  139. "The Star-Spangled Banner")
  140.  
  141. 33
  142. 00:01:30,219 --> 00:01:35,219
  143. (audience cheering)
  144. (audience applauding)
  145.  
  146. 34
  147. 00:01:53,118 --> 00:01:54,779
  148. - Hey.
  149.  
  150. 35
  151. 00:01:54,779 --> 00:01:56,238
  152. Hello!
  153.  
  154. 36
  155. 00:01:56,238 --> 00:01:57,556
  156. Yes.
  157.  
  158. 37
  159. 00:01:57,556 --> 00:01:59,446
  160. I just wanna thank you.
  161.  
  162. 38
  163. 00:01:59,446 --> 00:02:00,798
  164. How's it going, man?
  165.  
  166. 39
  167. 00:02:00,798 --> 00:02:02,297
  168. Hey, yes!
  169.  
  170. 40
  171. 00:02:02,297 --> 00:02:03,180
  172. Yes.
  173.  
  174. 41
  175. 00:02:03,180 --> 00:02:05,970
  176. Arizona, it's 115 degrees.
  177.  
  178. 42
  179. 00:02:05,970 --> 00:02:07,097
  180. Holy shit.
  181.  
  182. 43
  183. 00:02:07,097 --> 00:02:08,680
  184. (audience laughing)
  185.  
  186. 44
  187. 00:02:08,680 --> 00:02:10,620
  188. - I am doing my new show, guys.
  189.  
  190. 45
  191. 00:02:10,620 --> 00:02:12,250
  192. I wanted to write a show
  193.  
  194. 46
  195. 00:02:12,250 --> 00:02:13,640
  196. that was gonna bring the country together,
  197.  
  198. 47
  199. 00:02:13,640 --> 00:02:14,680
  200. something we could all laugh about,
  201.  
  202. 48
  203. 00:02:14,680 --> 00:02:16,660
  204. so it's about politics,
  205. guns, and abortion.
  206.  
  207. 49
  208. 00:02:16,660 --> 00:02:17,591
  209. There you go.
  210.  
  211. 50
  212. 00:02:17,591 --> 00:02:18,424
  213. (audience cheering)
  214.  
  215. 51
  216. 00:02:18,424 --> 00:02:19,257
  217. Yes!
  218.  
  219. 52
  220. 00:02:21,000 --> 00:02:22,470
  221. Talking about politics
  222. in America right now
  223.  
  224. 53
  225. 00:02:22,470 --> 00:02:25,743
  226. is like trying to organize an
  227. interracial hoedown in 1840.
  228.  
  229. 54
  230. 00:02:27,230 --> 00:02:29,340
  231. I say, are you an abolitionist
  232. or you Dred Scott?
  233.  
  234. 55
  235. 00:02:29,340 --> 00:02:30,720
  236. Well, take off the Nat Turner tee-shirt
  237.  
  238. 56
  239. 00:02:30,720 --> 00:02:33,070
  240. or there shall be
  241. fisticuffs, you carpetbagger.
  242.  
  243. 57
  244. 00:02:34,510 --> 00:02:35,700
  245. Yeah, joke number two sounds
  246.  
  247. 58
  248. 00:02:35,700 --> 00:02:37,700
  249. like history homework, doesn't it, yeah.
  250.  
  251. 59
  252. 00:02:38,730 --> 00:02:40,640
  253. Here's what bothered me
  254. about the last election.
  255.  
  256. 60
  257. 00:02:40,640 --> 00:02:44,120
  258. I could not believe we
  259. were fighting each other
  260.  
  261. 61
  262. 00:02:44,120 --> 00:02:45,563
  263. over these idiots.
  264.  
  265. 62
  266. 00:02:46,780 --> 00:02:47,790
  267. Like, half of us wanted
  268.  
  269. 63
  270. 00:02:47,790 --> 00:02:49,490
  271. this arrogant pantsuit-wearing robot.
  272.  
  273. 64
  274. 00:02:49,490 --> 00:02:50,766
  275. I call her She-3PO.
  276.  
  277. 65
  278. 00:02:50,766 --> 00:02:52,530
  279. (audience laughing)
  280.  
  281. 66
  282. 00:02:52,530 --> 00:02:55,010
  283. And ladies why was she
  284. wearing those square jackets?
  285.  
  286. 67
  287. 00:02:55,010 --> 00:02:56,894
  288. Was she running as Lego Hillary?
  289.  
  290. 68
  291. 00:02:56,894 --> 00:02:59,894
  292. (audience laughing)
  293.  
  294. 69
  295. 00:03:01,090 --> 00:03:02,230
  296. And then the other half wanted
  297.  
  298. 70
  299. 00:03:02,230 --> 00:03:03,590
  300. this arrogant, orange, delusional,
  301.  
  302. 71
  303. 00:03:03,590 --> 00:03:05,663
  304. Alzheimer's-ridden rodeo clown.
  305.  
  306. 72
  307. 00:03:07,600 --> 00:03:09,546
  308. And that's why we were pissed at each?
  309.  
  310. 73
  311. 00:03:09,546 --> 00:03:11,420
  312. People who are families were breaking up.
  313.  
  314. 74
  315. 00:03:11,420 --> 00:03:13,020
  316. You guys do get that we get a new idiot
  317.  
  318. 75
  319. 00:03:13,020 --> 00:03:15,020
  320. in four years, right?
  321.  
  322. 76
  323. 00:03:15,020 --> 00:03:17,583
  324. You're gonna need your
  325. family to wipe you in 20.
  326.  
  327. 77
  328. 00:03:19,900 --> 00:03:21,680
  329. Like, families are breaking
  330. up with Thanksgiving.
  331.  
  332. 78
  333. 00:03:21,680 --> 00:03:23,090
  334. Is that who you voted for, Uncle Phil?
  335.  
  336. 79
  337. 00:03:23,090 --> 00:03:24,830
  338. Is that who you, shut
  339. the fuck up, Grandma!
  340.  
  341. 80
  342. 00:03:24,830 --> 00:03:27,288
  343. Is that who you voted for, Uncle Phil?
  344.  
  345. 81
  346. 00:03:27,288 --> 00:03:28,310
  347. Well, if that's who you voted for,
  348.  
  349. 82
  350. 00:03:28,310 --> 00:03:29,940
  351. hell, I hope you get hit by a gas truck.
  352.  
  353. 83
  354. 00:03:29,940 --> 00:03:31,540
  355. That's right, Uncle Phil,
  356. and I hope you don't die.
  357.  
  358. 84
  359. 00:03:31,540 --> 00:03:33,080
  360. I hope you're lyin' there
  361. and the truck driver's
  362.  
  363. 85
  364. 00:03:33,080 --> 00:03:35,350
  365. gotta revive you, but
  366. he's got Ebola and AIDS.
  367.  
  368. 86
  369. 00:03:35,350 --> 00:03:37,100
  370. That's what I hope happens, Uncle Phil.
  371.  
  372. 87
  373. 00:03:37,100 --> 00:03:39,110
  374. I hope you get truck-driver Ebola.
  375.  
  376. 88
  377. 00:03:39,110 --> 00:03:40,660
  378. Shut the fuck up, Grandma!
  379.  
  380. 89
  381. 00:03:40,660 --> 00:03:41,493
  382. Hey.
  383.  
  384. 90
  385. 00:03:43,655 --> 00:03:45,440
  386. I am not gonna shut up.
  387.  
  388. 91
  389. 00:03:45,440 --> 00:03:47,533
  390. Uncle Phil gave you a kidney last year.
  391.  
  392. 92
  393. 00:03:49,260 --> 00:03:51,793
  394. You want your Nazi
  395. kidney back, Uncle Phil?
  396.  
  397. 93
  398. 00:03:52,920 --> 00:03:54,210
  399. Someone get me a box cutter
  400.  
  401. 94
  402. 00:03:54,210 --> 00:03:55,910
  403. and some bathtub bourbon right now!
  404.  
  405. 95
  406. 00:03:55,910 --> 00:03:56,910
  407. Yeah!
  408.  
  409. 96
  410. 00:03:56,910 --> 00:03:57,960
  411. I'm gonna cut this kidney out.
  412.  
  413. 97
  414. 00:03:57,960 --> 00:03:59,710
  415. I'm gonna go pee first, Uncle Phil.
  416.  
  417. 98
  418. 00:04:03,250 --> 00:04:05,300
  419. I couldn't believe how we
  420. were treating each other.
  421.  
  422. 99
  423. 00:04:05,300 --> 00:04:06,640
  424. And then this morning, I woke up happy
  425.  
  426. 100
  427. 00:04:06,640 --> 00:04:08,140
  428. 'cause I realized the comet
  429.  
  430. 101
  431. 00:04:08,140 --> 00:04:09,800
  432. that's gonna destroy Humanity
  433.  
  434. 102
  435. 00:04:09,800 --> 00:04:11,183
  436. is already on its way.
  437.  
  438. 103
  439. 00:04:12,560 --> 00:04:14,520
  440. Oh, there's a giant rock coming, people.
  441.  
  442. 104
  443. 00:04:14,520 --> 00:04:15,960
  444. Oh, yeah, it's happened
  445. five times in the past,
  446.  
  447. 105
  448. 00:04:15,960 --> 00:04:16,793
  449. destroyed everything.
  450.  
  451. 106
  452. 00:04:16,793 --> 00:04:18,520
  453. It's not God, God's
  454. not flippin' that rock.
  455.  
  456. 107
  457. 00:04:18,520 --> 00:04:19,900
  458. Oh, you guys keep dancing on Sunday,
  459.  
  460. 108
  461. 00:04:19,900 --> 00:04:22,203
  462. I'm gonna jack this place up.
  463.  
  464. 109
  465. 00:04:23,410 --> 00:04:24,670
  466. You guys better start having sex
  467.  
  468. 110
  469. 00:04:24,670 --> 00:04:25,790
  470. through a hole in a sheet again
  471.  
  472. 111
  473. 00:04:25,790 --> 00:04:28,173
  474. or I'm gonna blow torch this place.
  475.  
  476. 112
  477. 00:04:29,200 --> 00:04:31,326
  478. Only the Mormons are
  479. gonna survive this shit.
  480.  
  481. 113
  482. 00:04:31,326 --> 00:04:33,966
  483. (audience applauding)
  484. (audience laughing)
  485.  
  486. 114
  487. 00:04:33,966 --> 00:04:34,799
  488. No.
  489.  
  490. 115
  491. 00:04:37,673 --> 00:04:38,830
  492. There is!
  493.  
  494. 116
  495. 00:04:38,830 --> 00:04:42,150
  496. There is actually a giant rock
  497. in space right now in orbit,
  498.  
  499. 117
  500. 00:04:42,150 --> 00:04:43,680
  501. and one day is gonna pound into the Earth,
  502.  
  503. 118
  504. 00:04:43,680 --> 00:04:45,170
  505. and when it hits, it's gonna destroy
  506.  
  507. 119
  508. 00:04:45,170 --> 00:04:48,356
  509. a million species instantly and Kanye.
  510.  
  511. 120
  512. 00:04:48,356 --> 00:04:52,106
  513. (audience cheering)
  514.  
  515. 121
  516. 00:04:52,106 --> 00:04:53,361
  517. I get it.
  518.  
  519. 122
  520. 00:04:53,361 --> 00:04:54,897
  521. I know he earned it.
  522.  
  523. 123
  524. 00:04:55,991 --> 00:04:57,370
  525. Then it's gonna set
  526. the atmosphere on fire,
  527.  
  528. 124
  529. 00:04:57,370 --> 00:04:58,597
  530. and that's gonna burn until
  531. almost all of us are gone,
  532.  
  533. 125
  534. 00:04:58,597 --> 00:04:59,790
  535. and the survivors are gonna have
  536.  
  537. 126
  538. 00:04:59,790 --> 00:05:02,120
  539. to live in an impact winter for an eon,
  540.  
  541. 127
  542. 00:05:02,120 --> 00:05:04,400
  543. till there's only three of us left:
  544.  
  545. 128
  546. 00:05:04,400 --> 00:05:06,209
  547. two guys and a girl.
  548.  
  549. 129
  550. 00:05:06,209 --> 00:05:07,320
  551. (audience whooping)
  552.  
  553. 130
  554. 00:05:07,320 --> 00:05:08,850
  555. And you think they're
  556. gonna restart humanity,
  557.  
  558. 131
  559. 00:05:08,850 --> 00:05:10,333
  560. but no, both guys are gay.
  561.  
  562. 132
  563. 00:05:13,230 --> 00:05:14,780
  564. So, they're gonna kill the girl for food
  565.  
  566. 133
  567. 00:05:14,780 --> 00:05:16,130
  568. and steal her skinny jeans.
  569.  
  570. 134
  571. 00:05:19,110 --> 00:05:21,760
  572. And then slowly make their
  573. way to Boca Raton, Florida
  574.  
  575. 135
  576. 00:05:22,800 --> 00:05:24,780
  577. where they're gonna live
  578. out their final gay days
  579.  
  580. 136
  581. 00:05:24,780 --> 00:05:27,600
  582. wearing Speedos and shimmying
  583. to Katy Perry dance mixes
  584.  
  585. 137
  586. 00:05:29,210 --> 00:05:30,543
  587. on a solar-powered iPod.
  588.  
  589. 138
  590. 00:05:32,870 --> 00:05:34,210
  591. And when the last game man dies,
  592.  
  593. 139
  594. 00:05:34,210 --> 00:05:35,270
  595. that'll be at for Humanity.
  596.  
  597. 140
  598. 00:05:35,270 --> 00:05:38,920
  599. Everything we have done,
  600. everything we have built, gone,
  601.  
  602. 141
  603. 00:05:38,920 --> 00:05:41,220
  604. just another grain of
  605. sand in an empty universe
  606.  
  607. 142
  608. 00:05:41,220 --> 00:05:42,370
  609. full of useless effort.
  610.  
  611. 143
  612. 00:05:44,140 --> 00:05:46,327
  613. And that's how I'm dealing
  614. with the election (chuckles).
  615.  
  616. 144
  617. 00:05:49,150 --> 00:05:50,870
  618. Oh, come on, you know it was a bad one
  619.  
  620. 145
  621. 00:05:50,870 --> 00:05:54,260
  622. when a planet-killing meteor
  623. is my optimistic plan.
  624.  
  625. 146
  626. 00:05:54,260 --> 00:05:56,630
  627. (audience applauding)
  628. (audience whooping)
  629.  
  630. 147
  631. 00:05:56,630 --> 00:05:57,850
  632. Oh, come on!
  633.  
  634. 148
  635. 00:05:57,850 --> 00:05:59,350
  636. I don't care what side you're on,
  637.  
  638. 149
  639. 00:05:59,350 --> 00:06:02,040
  640. and by the way, there's
  641. only one side: American.
  642.  
  643. 150
  644. 00:06:02,040 --> 00:06:04,575
  645. That's the only side there is.
  646.  
  647. 151
  648. 00:06:04,575 --> 00:06:09,575
  649. (audience applauding)
  650. (audience whooping)
  651.  
  652. 152
  653. 00:06:09,880 --> 00:06:12,840
  654. But the last four people
  655. running for president, my God.
  656.  
  657. 153
  658. 00:06:12,840 --> 00:06:14,410
  659. I could've picked four better candidates
  660.  
  661. 154
  662. 00:06:14,410 --> 00:06:15,500
  663. by just throwing a tennis ball
  664.  
  665. 155
  666. 00:06:15,500 --> 00:06:17,613
  667. into a severe trauma brain injury award.
  668.  
  669. 156
  670. 00:06:19,030 --> 00:06:19,863
  671. Just chuck it in,
  672.  
  673. 157
  674. 00:06:19,863 --> 00:06:22,230
  675. whoever goes, ball, and
  676. giggles, you're our candidate.
  677.  
  678. 158
  679. 00:06:22,230 --> 00:06:23,063
  680. Come on out.
  681.  
  682. 159
  683. 00:06:25,060 --> 00:06:26,090
  684. You got a good attitude.
  685.  
  686. 160
  687. 00:06:26,090 --> 00:06:27,963
  688. You knew what a fuckin' ball was.
  689.  
  690. 161
  691. 00:06:29,570 --> 00:06:31,043
  692. Come on, let's admit it.
  693.  
  694. 162
  695. 00:06:31,043 --> 00:06:32,493
  696. Ted Cruz?
  697.  
  698. 163
  699. 00:06:32,493 --> 00:06:33,677
  700. Ted Cruz?
  701.  
  702. 164
  703. 00:06:33,677 --> 00:06:35,177
  704. - Whoa!
  705. - Ted Cruz!
  706.  
  707. 165
  708. 00:06:36,640 --> 00:06:40,230
  709. Every man in this room
  710. knows a guy like Ted Cruz,
  711.  
  712. 166
  713. 00:06:40,230 --> 00:06:42,140
  714. who just roams the
  715. Earth with this sentence
  716.  
  717. 167
  718. 00:06:42,140 --> 00:06:43,650
  719. constantly playing in his head:
  720.  
  721. 168
  722. 00:06:43,650 --> 00:06:45,290
  723. no one's gonna wipe a booger on me again,
  724.  
  725. 169
  726. 00:06:45,290 --> 00:06:47,390
  727. no one's gonna wipe a booger on me again.
  728.  
  729. 170
  730. 00:06:47,390 --> 00:06:48,936
  731. And if they do, I'm gonna tattle.
  732.  
  733. 171
  734. 00:06:48,936 --> 00:06:49,769
  735. Nyah!
  736.  
  737. 172
  738. 00:06:53,456 --> 00:06:55,380
  739. Then you had Hillary, who's
  740. got this wake of bodies
  741.  
  742. 173
  743. 00:06:55,380 --> 00:06:56,723
  744. behind her, allegedly.
  745.  
  746. 174
  747. 00:06:58,118 --> 00:06:58,951
  748. Allegedly!
  749.  
  750. 175
  751. 00:07:00,210 --> 00:07:03,030
  752. Allegedly, I'm sayin' allegedly
  753. 'cause I don't wanna die
  754.  
  755. 176
  756. 00:07:03,030 --> 00:07:04,680
  757. in a suspicious one-car accident.
  758.  
  759. 177
  760. 00:07:05,794 --> 00:07:09,564
  761. (audience applauding)
  762.  
  763. 178
  764. 00:07:09,564 --> 00:07:10,764
  765. I know.
  766.  
  767. 179
  768. 00:07:10,764 --> 00:07:13,066
  769. Yeah.
  770. (audience cheering)
  771.  
  772. 180
  773. 00:07:13,066 --> 00:07:14,643
  774. I know.
  775.  
  776. 181
  777. 00:07:14,643 --> 00:07:17,070
  778. They're gonna find me an empty parking lot
  779.  
  780. 182
  781. 00:07:17,070 --> 00:07:18,493
  782. leaning against my car door,
  783.  
  784. 183
  785. 00:07:19,400 --> 00:07:21,703
  786. trunk carpet fibers all over my body,
  787.  
  788. 184
  789. 00:07:22,560 --> 00:07:25,253
  790. suicide note written in
  791. a language I don't speak.
  792.  
  793. 185
  794. 00:07:26,350 --> 00:07:27,183
  795. Allegedly.
  796.  
  797. 186
  798. 00:07:27,183 --> 00:07:28,023
  799. Allegedly!
  800.  
  801. 187
  802. 00:07:30,210 --> 00:07:31,690
  803. And then you had Trump,
  804. who was pretty amazing.
  805.  
  806. 188
  807. 00:07:31,690 --> 00:07:33,880
  808. He made it to the entire election
  809.  
  810. 189
  811. 00:07:33,880 --> 00:07:37,810
  812. without finishing a fucking sentence.
  813.  
  814. 190
  815. 00:07:37,810 --> 00:07:38,643
  816. It was insane.
  817.  
  818. 191
  819. 00:07:38,643 --> 00:07:40,580
  820. Wrong, didn't happen,
  821. beautiful, best ever,
  822.  
  823. 192
  824. 00:07:40,580 --> 00:07:41,853
  825. reciprocal.
  826.  
  827. 193
  828. 00:07:44,700 --> 00:07:45,750
  829. Nobody peed on me.
  830.  
  831. 194
  832. 00:07:45,750 --> 00:07:47,240
  833. Oh, oh, oh, that was almost a sentence.
  834.  
  835. 195
  836. 00:07:47,240 --> 00:07:48,183
  837. Nice job, dude.
  838.  
  839. 196
  840. 00:07:49,200 --> 00:07:50,050
  841. Yeah, we have a president
  842.  
  843. 197
  844. 00:07:50,050 --> 00:07:51,390
  845. with no military experience
  846.  
  847. 198
  848. 00:07:51,390 --> 00:07:54,113
  849. and no political experience,
  850. but he has jazz hands.
  851.  
  852. 199
  853. 00:07:55,521 --> 00:07:59,198
  854. ♪ When you're a Jet,
  855. you're a Jet all the way ♪
  856.  
  857. 200
  858. 00:07:59,198 --> 00:08:00,480
  859. What is that?
  860.  
  861. 201
  862. 00:08:02,463 --> 00:08:04,370
  863. And I have to be honest.
  864.  
  865. 202
  866. 00:08:04,370 --> 00:08:05,810
  867. I feel bad for you Trump people
  868.  
  869. 203
  870. 00:08:05,810 --> 00:08:07,150
  871. 'cause you know damn well every time
  872.  
  873. 204
  874. 00:08:07,150 --> 00:08:09,260
  875. that man heads towards a microphone,
  876.  
  877. 205
  878. 00:08:09,260 --> 00:08:11,030
  879. you have anxiety, don't you?
  880.  
  881. 206
  882. 00:08:11,030 --> 00:08:13,758
  883. (audience laughing)
  884.  
  885. 207
  886. 00:08:13,758 --> 00:08:16,310
  887. And man, how many teleprompter guys
  888.  
  889. 208
  890. 00:08:16,310 --> 00:08:20,340
  891. have shot themself in the
  892. face working with that dude?
  893.  
  894. 209
  895. 00:08:20,340 --> 00:08:21,810
  896. 'Cause he's on the speech for a minute.
  897.  
  898. 210
  899. 00:08:21,810 --> 00:08:22,810
  900. He's like, he's on the speech.
  901.  
  902. 211
  903. 00:08:22,810 --> 00:08:23,643
  904. He's on the speech.
  905.  
  906. 212
  907. 00:08:23,643 --> 00:08:24,476
  908. He's on the speech.
  909.  
  910. 213
  911. 00:08:24,476 --> 00:08:25,918
  912. And then, oh, my God, he's gonna improv.
  913.  
  914. 214
  915. 00:08:25,918 --> 00:08:26,751
  916. No!
  917.  
  918. 215
  919. 00:08:28,046 --> 00:08:31,857
  920. (imitates gunfire banging)
  921.  
  922. 216
  923. 00:08:31,857 --> 00:08:33,020
  924. And then you had Bernie; I like Bernie.
  925.  
  926. 217
  927. 00:08:33,020 --> 00:08:34,060
  928. I thought Bernie was cool.
  929.  
  930. 218
  931. 00:08:34,060 --> 00:08:35,913
  932. At the end, at the end, though,
  933.  
  934. 219
  935. 00:08:37,050 --> 00:08:38,430
  936. at the end though, after
  937. all that crap, though,
  938.  
  939. 220
  940. 00:08:38,430 --> 00:08:39,280
  941. didn't Bernie come across
  942.  
  943. 221
  944. 00:08:39,280 --> 00:08:41,380
  945. like a real grumpy model train enthusiast?
  946.  
  947. 222
  948. 00:08:43,121 --> 00:08:43,954
  949. Couldn't you just see him
  950.  
  951. 223
  952. 00:08:43,954 --> 00:08:44,787
  953. in the basement of the White House?
  954.  
  955. 224
  956. 00:08:44,787 --> 00:08:45,620
  957. Toot toot.
  958.  
  959. 225
  960. 00:08:50,050 --> 00:08:51,760
  961. Mr. President, Vladimir
  962. Putin's on the phone.
  963.  
  964. 226
  965. 00:08:51,760 --> 00:08:53,360
  966. I told you don't bother me
  967.  
  968. 227
  969. 00:08:55,030 --> 00:08:56,630
  970. when I'm playing with my trains.
  971.  
  972. 228
  973. 00:08:58,270 --> 00:08:59,690
  974. This job takes up all my time.
  975.  
  976. 229
  977. 00:08:59,690 --> 00:09:01,663
  978. I'd like to keep 1%, thank you.
  979.  
  980. 230
  981. 00:09:04,167 --> 00:09:05,990
  982. And I had friends get crazy, too.
  983.  
  984. 231
  985. 00:09:05,990 --> 00:09:06,890
  986. I had friends, after the election,
  987.  
  988. 232
  989. 00:09:06,890 --> 00:09:07,980
  990. they got real fatalistic.
  991.  
  992. 233
  993. 00:09:07,980 --> 00:09:09,457
  994. They just started yelling crazy stuff.
  995.  
  996. 234
  997. 00:09:09,457 --> 00:09:10,530
  998. They're like, good, you know what?
  999.  
  1000. 235
  1001. 00:09:10,530 --> 00:09:12,090
  1002. I'm glad the insane guy won.
  1003.  
  1004. 236
  1005. 00:09:12,090 --> 00:09:12,923
  1006. Good.
  1007.  
  1008. 237
  1009. 00:09:12,923 --> 00:09:15,022
  1010. Let's just burn it down
  1011. and start over, man.
  1012.  
  1013. 238
  1014. 00:09:15,022 --> 00:09:15,855
  1015. Good.
  1016.  
  1017. 239
  1018. 00:09:15,855 --> 00:09:17,702
  1019. Let's just nuke the whole
  1020. thing and begin again.
  1021.  
  1022. 240
  1023. 00:09:17,702 --> 00:09:18,535
  1024. Woo!
  1025.  
  1026. 241
  1027. 00:09:24,090 --> 00:09:25,683
  1028. As fun as that sounds,
  1029.  
  1030. 242
  1031. 00:09:27,520 --> 00:09:29,820
  1032. I don't think it's gonna
  1033. go the way you think.
  1034.  
  1035. 243
  1036. 00:09:30,810 --> 00:09:32,260
  1037. Do you know why people
  1038. say stupid crap like that?
  1039.  
  1040. 244
  1041. 00:09:32,260 --> 00:09:33,883
  1042. Those damn Road Warrior movies.
  1043.  
  1044. 245
  1045. 00:09:35,280 --> 00:09:37,380
  1046. Yeah, we think we're
  1047. gonna survive Armageddon.
  1048.  
  1049. 246
  1050. 00:09:37,380 --> 00:09:39,770
  1051. In fact, every man in
  1052. this room, right now,
  1053.  
  1054. 247
  1055. 00:09:39,770 --> 00:09:42,254
  1056. believes he's gonna be
  1057. Mad Max in the apocalypse.
  1058.  
  1059. 248
  1060. 00:09:42,254 --> 00:09:43,880
  1061. (men cheering)
  1062.  
  1063. 249
  1064. 00:09:43,880 --> 00:09:45,795
  1065. Every single one.
  1066.  
  1067. 250
  1068. 00:09:45,795 --> 00:09:46,694
  1069. Yeah.
  1070.  
  1071. 251
  1072. 00:09:46,694 --> 00:09:48,440
  1073. Oh, yeah, I got seven guns
  1074.  
  1075. 252
  1076. 00:09:48,440 --> 00:09:50,070
  1077. and a case of Clif Bars, follow me.
  1078.  
  1079. 253
  1080. 00:09:50,070 --> 00:09:50,970
  1081. Come on, let's go.
  1082.  
  1083. 254
  1084. 00:09:52,620 --> 00:09:53,453
  1085. Well, hold on.
  1086.  
  1087. 255
  1088. 00:09:53,453 --> 00:09:54,460
  1089. I gotta tweet my followers.
  1090.  
  1091. 256
  1092. 00:09:54,460 --> 00:09:55,863
  1093. Let me tweet my followers.
  1094.  
  1095. 257
  1096. 00:09:57,454 --> 00:09:59,950
  1097. Yeah, 'cause in 2018, (wheezy gasping),
  1098.  
  1099. 258
  1100. 00:09:59,950 --> 00:10:02,953
  1101. we all have followers just like Jesus.
  1102.  
  1103. 259
  1104. 00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:07,373
  1105. Did they help you move?
  1106.  
  1107. 260
  1108. 00:10:09,240 --> 00:10:10,793
  1109. Did they lie for you in court?
  1110.  
  1111. 261
  1112. 00:10:12,400 --> 00:10:14,044
  1113. Then they ain't followers, are they?
  1114.  
  1115. 262
  1116. 00:10:14,044 --> 00:10:17,012
  1117. (audience applauding)
  1118.  
  1119. 263
  1120. 00:10:17,012 --> 00:10:17,845
  1121. It's crazy.
  1122.  
  1123. 264
  1124. 00:10:17,845 --> 00:10:21,128
  1125. You guys...
  1126. (audience whooping)
  1127.  
  1128. 265
  1129. 00:10:21,128 --> 00:10:23,570
  1130. You guys do realize what
  1131. these phones have done
  1132.  
  1133. 266
  1134. 00:10:23,570 --> 00:10:25,100
  1135. to us now, selfie, selfie, selfie.
  1136.  
  1137. 267
  1138. 00:10:25,100 --> 00:10:26,490
  1139. Is it any surprise we elected
  1140.  
  1141. 268
  1142. 00:10:26,490 --> 00:10:28,873
  1143. the most narcissistic
  1144. human being on the planet?
  1145.  
  1146. 269
  1147. 00:10:28,873 --> 00:10:30,650
  1148. Selfie, selfie, selfie.
  1149.  
  1150. 270
  1151. 00:10:30,650 --> 00:10:31,620
  1152. Get some damn friends.
  1153.  
  1154. 271
  1155. 00:10:31,620 --> 00:10:32,820
  1156. Take some them-ies and us-ies.
  1157.  
  1158. 272
  1159. 00:10:32,820 --> 00:10:34,740
  1160. Come on, goddammit.
  1161.  
  1162. 273
  1163. 00:10:34,740 --> 00:10:36,213
  1164. Take more we-sies.
  1165.  
  1166. 274
  1167. 00:10:38,360 --> 00:10:40,030
  1168. You get who we are now, right?
  1169.  
  1170. 275
  1171. 00:10:40,030 --> 00:10:43,530
  1172. We now take pictures of ourselves
  1173.  
  1174. 276
  1175. 00:10:43,530 --> 00:10:45,593
  1176. to send to people we don't know,
  1177.  
  1178. 277
  1179. 00:10:46,740 --> 00:10:48,473
  1180. to see what they think about us.
  1181.  
  1182. 278
  1183. 00:10:49,890 --> 00:10:52,413
  1184. Did you get that picture
  1185. of me that I took of me?
  1186.  
  1187. 279
  1188. 00:10:55,250 --> 00:10:57,903
  1189. It's on my Instagram under
  1190. Christopher Titus dot me.
  1191.  
  1192. 280
  1193. 00:11:00,620 --> 00:11:01,623
  1194. Please comment,
  1195.  
  1196. 281
  1197. 00:11:02,820 --> 00:11:03,743
  1198. on me.
  1199.  
  1200. 282
  1201. 00:11:05,510 --> 00:11:06,803
  1202. Like me.
  1203.  
  1204. 283
  1205. 00:11:08,090 --> 00:11:09,113
  1206. Follow me.
  1207.  
  1208. 284
  1209. 00:11:11,701 --> 00:11:12,534
  1210. You know who does that?
  1211.  
  1212. 285
  1213. 00:11:12,534 --> 00:11:14,593
  1214. Psychopaths, that's who does that.
  1215.  
  1216. 286
  1217. 00:11:15,670 --> 00:11:19,100
  1218. And by the way, yeah, if you
  1219. wanna follow me on Twitter
  1220.  
  1221. 287
  1222. 00:11:19,100 --> 00:11:20,800
  1223. it's @TitusNation.
  1224.  
  1225. 288
  1226. 00:11:20,800 --> 00:11:22,780
  1227. (audience applauding)
  1228.  
  1229. 289
  1230. 00:11:22,780 --> 00:11:27,780
  1231. Or The Real Christopher Titus on Facebook.
  1232.  
  1233. 290
  1234. 00:11:32,010 --> 00:11:33,580
  1235. Those road, and by the way, gentleman,
  1236.  
  1237. 291
  1238. 00:11:33,580 --> 00:11:35,010
  1239. you don't wanna be Mad Max.
  1240.  
  1241. 292
  1242. 00:11:35,010 --> 00:11:36,680
  1243. Mad Max is always half a criminal.
  1244.  
  1245. 293
  1246. 00:11:36,680 --> 00:11:37,580
  1247. He's always busted up.
  1248.  
  1249. 294
  1250. 00:11:37,580 --> 00:11:38,420
  1251. Looks like Rob Zombie
  1252.  
  1253. 295
  1254. 00:11:38,420 --> 00:11:41,363
  1255. after a bad white water
  1256. rafting accident, you know?
  1257.  
  1258. 296
  1259. 00:11:41,363 --> 00:11:42,870
  1260. He's always got a leg brace,
  1261.  
  1262. 297
  1263. 00:11:42,870 --> 00:11:45,350
  1264. am eye patch made out of his old kneecap.
  1265.  
  1266. 298
  1267. 00:11:45,350 --> 00:11:47,410
  1268. He's got a hole blown through his head
  1269.  
  1270. 299
  1271. 00:11:47,410 --> 00:11:49,920
  1272. that he stuffed with a booby-trap grenade
  1273.  
  1274. 300
  1275. 00:11:49,920 --> 00:11:50,753
  1276. so when he gets caught,
  1277.  
  1278. 301
  1279. 00:11:50,753 --> 00:11:51,920
  1280. he can say cool things like,
  1281.  
  1282. 302
  1283. 00:11:51,920 --> 00:11:52,870
  1284. go ahead, pull the pin.
  1285.  
  1286. 303
  1287. 00:11:52,870 --> 00:11:54,220
  1288. You'll blow both our minds.
  1289.  
  1290. 304
  1291. 00:11:57,090 --> 00:11:58,740
  1292. He's got some weird Armageddon dune buggy
  1293.  
  1294. 305
  1295. 00:11:58,740 --> 00:12:00,360
  1296. with metal sticking off of it,
  1297.  
  1298. 306
  1299. 00:12:00,360 --> 00:12:01,500
  1300. some drifter changed to it,
  1301.  
  1302. 307
  1303. 00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:03,970
  1304. following him through the wasteland.
  1305.  
  1306. 308
  1307. 00:12:03,970 --> 00:12:05,360
  1308. Oh, the guy can't ride in the dune buggy
  1309.  
  1310. 309
  1311. 00:12:05,360 --> 00:12:08,020
  1312. 'cause Mad Max's dog sits
  1313. in the passenger seat,
  1314.  
  1315. 310
  1316. 00:12:08,020 --> 00:12:10,630
  1317. his two-legged dog that they
  1318. haven't Killed for food yet
  1319.  
  1320. 311
  1321. 00:12:10,630 --> 00:12:12,070
  1322. 'cause it's still got
  1323. one good front left leg
  1324.  
  1325. 312
  1326. 00:12:12,070 --> 00:12:13,160
  1327. and one good right back leg
  1328.  
  1329. 313
  1330. 00:12:13,160 --> 00:12:16,143
  1331. so it balances like a shitty
  1332. table at a Chinese restaurant.
  1333.  
  1334. 314
  1335. 00:12:18,730 --> 00:12:20,303
  1336. I want that dog, honestly.
  1337.  
  1338. 315
  1339. 00:12:22,410 --> 00:12:23,610
  1340. I think those Road Warrior movies,
  1341.  
  1342. 316
  1343. 00:12:23,610 --> 00:12:26,170
  1344. I think they're trying to
  1345. get us ready for Armageddon
  1346.  
  1347. 317
  1348. 00:12:26,170 --> 00:12:28,690
  1349. and how come everybody has a cool haircut
  1350.  
  1351. 318
  1352. 00:12:28,690 --> 00:12:29,713
  1353. in the apocalypse?
  1354.  
  1355. 319
  1356. 00:12:30,950 --> 00:12:33,260
  1357. All those movies, we can't
  1358. find clean drinking water
  1359.  
  1360. 320
  1361. 00:12:33,260 --> 00:12:35,063
  1362. but everybody gets a Mohawk,
  1363.  
  1364. 321
  1365. 00:12:36,680 --> 00:12:39,660
  1366. or spikes, or shaved with your name in it.
  1367.  
  1368. 322
  1369. 00:12:39,660 --> 00:12:42,150
  1370. So Army Rangers and Navy
  1371. Seals didn't make it
  1372.  
  1373. 323
  1374. 00:12:42,150 --> 00:12:45,153
  1375. through the apocalypse but
  1376. somehow stylists pulled it off?
  1377.  
  1378. 324
  1379. 00:12:48,739 --> 00:12:49,930
  1380. I was at the shampoo station.
  1381.  
  1382. 325
  1383. 00:12:49,930 --> 00:12:50,763
  1384. I heard a noise.
  1385.  
  1386. 326
  1387. 00:12:50,763 --> 00:12:51,596
  1388. I hid under a desk.
  1389.  
  1390. 327
  1391. 00:12:51,596 --> 00:12:53,130
  1392. I don't know what happened.
  1393.  
  1394. 328
  1395. 00:12:55,510 --> 00:12:57,088
  1396. Now I'm chained to this
  1397. asshole's dune buggy.
  1398.  
  1399. 329
  1400. 00:12:57,088 --> 00:12:57,921
  1401. I don't get this at all.
  1402.  
  1403. 330
  1404. 00:12:57,921 --> 00:12:58,754
  1405. What are we doing?
  1406.  
  1407. 331
  1408. 00:13:01,647 --> 00:13:04,030
  1409. And that last Road
  1410. Warrior movie, Fury Road?
  1411.  
  1412. 332
  1413. 00:13:04,030 --> 00:13:05,480
  1414. Fury Road aside, gentlemen,
  1415.  
  1416. 333
  1417. 00:13:05,480 --> 00:13:08,233
  1418. there are no hot babes in the apocalypse.
  1419.  
  1420. 334
  1421. 00:13:09,336 --> 00:13:10,169
  1422. - Now...
  1423.  
  1424. 335
  1425. 00:13:10,169 --> 00:13:12,300
  1426. - Oh no, all the skinny hot
  1427. chicks died of malnutrition,
  1428.  
  1429. 336
  1430. 00:13:12,300 --> 00:13:14,248
  1431. lack of moisturizer, and ChapStick.
  1432.  
  1433. 337
  1434. 00:13:14,248 --> 00:13:15,808
  1435. (audience cheering)
  1436.  
  1437. 338
  1438. 00:13:15,808 --> 00:13:16,776
  1439. That's right.
  1440.  
  1441. 339
  1442. 00:13:16,776 --> 00:13:21,330
  1443. And all that's left is those
  1444. tube-titty bison females
  1445.  
  1446. 340
  1447. 00:13:21,330 --> 00:13:24,950
  1448. that used to roam the
  1449. cheese aisle at Walmart.
  1450.  
  1451. 341
  1452. 00:13:24,950 --> 00:13:26,050
  1453. And they're not around either.
  1454.  
  1455. 342
  1456. 00:13:26,050 --> 00:13:27,040
  1457. They're looked in in a room somewhere,
  1458.  
  1459. 343
  1460. 00:13:27,040 --> 00:13:29,623
  1461. getting milked to feed the bad guy's kids.
  1462.  
  1463. 344
  1464. 00:13:32,920 --> 00:13:34,323
  1465. Did you see the movie?
  1466.  
  1467. 345
  1468. 00:13:36,200 --> 00:13:38,223
  1469. 'Cause that scene is in the movie.
  1470.  
  1471. 346
  1472. 00:13:39,640 --> 00:13:42,340
  1473. So, now when you watch the
  1474. movie, you're gonna giggle.
  1475.  
  1476. 347
  1477. 00:13:44,294 --> 00:13:45,840
  1478. When I saw it, I didn't have me,
  1479.  
  1480. 348
  1481. 00:13:45,840 --> 00:13:47,290
  1482. so I went (guttural gagging).
  1483.  
  1484. 349
  1485. 00:13:54,040 --> 00:13:55,107
  1486. That movie pissed me off,
  1487.  
  1488. 350
  1489. 00:13:55,107 --> 00:13:58,280
  1490. and so in the middle of
  1491. the apocalyptic wasteland,
  1492.  
  1493. 351
  1494. 00:13:58,280 --> 00:14:01,723
  1495. four smoking hot runway models show up?
  1496.  
  1497. 352
  1498. 00:14:02,694 --> 00:14:04,533
  1499. That does it even happened in porn.
  1500.  
  1501. 353
  1502. 00:14:07,283 --> 00:14:08,140
  1503. And they're all beautiful,
  1504.  
  1505. 354
  1506. 00:14:08,140 --> 00:14:09,050
  1507. Their makeup's perfect.
  1508.  
  1509. 355
  1510. 00:14:09,050 --> 00:14:09,883
  1511. They're well-adjusted.
  1512.  
  1513. 356
  1514. 00:14:09,883 --> 00:14:10,716
  1515. They all get along,
  1516.  
  1517. 357
  1518. 00:14:10,716 --> 00:14:12,053
  1519. Well, now I know it's a movie.
  1520.  
  1521. 358
  1522. 00:14:14,403 --> 00:14:15,900
  1523. They're all wearing hemp butt-thongs,
  1524.  
  1525. 359
  1526. 00:14:15,900 --> 00:14:17,080
  1527. barely raped at all.
  1528.  
  1529. 360
  1530. 00:14:17,080 --> 00:14:17,913
  1531. Come on!
  1532.  
  1533. 361
  1534. 00:14:20,210 --> 00:14:22,410
  1535. In the apocalypse?
  1536.  
  1537. 362
  1538. 00:14:22,410 --> 00:14:23,600
  1539. Let me be very clear.
  1540.  
  1541. 363
  1542. 00:14:23,600 --> 00:14:24,433
  1543. I love women.
  1544.  
  1545. 364
  1546. 00:14:24,433 --> 00:14:27,059
  1547. I think women are by far the better sex.
  1548.  
  1549. 365
  1550. 00:14:27,059 --> 00:14:30,667
  1551. (audience whooping)
  1552. I think they are, yes.
  1553.  
  1554. 366
  1555. 00:14:30,667 --> 00:14:31,500
  1556. But...
  1557.  
  1558. 367
  1559. 00:14:32,770 --> 00:14:35,917
  1560. In the apocalypse there's
  1561. gonna be some rapin'.
  1562.  
  1563. 368
  1564. 00:14:38,841 --> 00:14:40,230
  1565. And I know sometimes I'm gonna be
  1566.  
  1567. 369
  1568. 00:14:40,230 --> 00:14:41,720
  1569. on the weeping side of that raping.
  1570.  
  1571. 370
  1572. 00:14:41,720 --> 00:14:42,553
  1573. I know that.
  1574.  
  1575. 371
  1576. 00:14:44,059 --> 00:14:45,257
  1577. I know that.
  1578.  
  1579. 372
  1580. 00:14:45,257 --> 00:14:47,583
  1581. You can't look like this
  1582. and not expect that.
  1583.  
  1584. 373
  1585. 00:14:49,779 --> 00:14:50,612
  1586. I know.
  1587.  
  1588. 374
  1589. 00:14:52,240 --> 00:14:54,230
  1590. I know, sir, my mouth is gorgeous.
  1591.  
  1592. 375
  1593. 00:14:54,230 --> 00:14:57,630
  1594. I know!
  1595.  
  1596. 376
  1597. 00:15:00,937 --> 00:15:05,420
  1598. And how are you Millennials
  1599. gonna survive the apocalypse?
  1600.  
  1601. 377
  1602. 00:15:05,420 --> 00:15:07,161
  1603. There's no app.
  1604.  
  1605. 378
  1606. 00:15:07,161 --> 00:15:09,561
  1607. (audience laughing)
  1608.  
  1609. 379
  1610. 00:15:09,561 --> 00:15:10,394
  1611. Yeah.
  1612.  
  1613. 380
  1614. 00:15:10,394 --> 00:15:13,240
  1615. Millennials hate that joke, really.
  1616.  
  1617. 381
  1618. 00:15:13,240 --> 00:15:14,073
  1619. Shut up, I'll be fine.
  1620.  
  1621. 382
  1622. 00:15:14,073 --> 00:15:15,690
  1623. I do what I always do, man.
  1624.  
  1625. 383
  1626. 00:15:15,690 --> 00:15:17,440
  1627. Get up, get my 2/3 decaf latte,
  1628.  
  1629. 384
  1630. 00:15:17,440 --> 00:15:18,540
  1631. trim my lumberjack beard,
  1632.  
  1633. 385
  1634. 00:15:18,540 --> 00:15:20,240
  1635. call an Uber and make it, brother.
  1636.  
  1637. 386
  1638. 00:15:22,197 --> 00:15:23,797
  1639. My mom said I could be anything.
  1640.  
  1641. 387
  1642. 00:15:25,057 --> 00:15:27,937
  1643. And I got a participation
  1644. trophy to prove that.
  1645.  
  1646. 388
  1647. 00:15:27,937 --> 00:15:32,810
  1648. (audience applauding)
  1649. (audience cheering)
  1650.  
  1651. 389
  1652. 00:15:32,810 --> 00:15:33,660
  1653. Yeah (chuckling).
  1654.  
  1655. 390
  1656. 00:15:35,730 --> 00:15:37,690
  1657. A lot of you Millennials
  1658. can barely light a candle
  1659.  
  1660. 391
  1661. 00:15:37,690 --> 00:15:39,263
  1662. let alone change a tire.
  1663.  
  1664. 392
  1665. 00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,350
  1666. How the hell are you gonna
  1667. distill drinking water
  1668.  
  1669. 393
  1670. 00:15:42,350 --> 00:15:43,940
  1671. from a rusted hot tub your dead neighbor
  1672.  
  1673. 394
  1674. 00:15:43,940 --> 00:15:44,990
  1675. is still floating in?
  1676.  
  1677. 395
  1678. 00:15:47,710 --> 00:15:49,490
  1679. You can't cook and eat
  1680. your girlfriend's Shitzu
  1681.  
  1682. 396
  1683. 00:15:49,490 --> 00:15:50,990
  1684. if the microwave doesn't work.
  1685.  
  1686. 397
  1687. 00:15:51,850 --> 00:15:54,710
  1688. Doesn't even beep anymore.
  1689.  
  1690. 398
  1691. 00:15:54,710 --> 00:15:55,918
  1692. You better get on the internet.
  1693.  
  1694. 399
  1695. 00:15:55,918 --> 00:16:00,918
  1696. (horrified gasping) There's no internet!
  1697.  
  1698. 400
  1699. 00:16:01,080 --> 00:16:04,530
  1700. So, can we all stop talking
  1701. about burning our country down
  1702.  
  1703. 401
  1704. 00:16:04,530 --> 00:16:05,830
  1705. 'cause it's getting this crazy?
  1706.  
  1707. 402
  1708. 00:16:05,830 --> 00:16:08,427
  1709. 'Cause only two people win
  1710. in the apocalypse: Mad Max
  1711.  
  1712. 403
  1713. 00:16:08,427 --> 00:16:10,750
  1714. and the guy with the goat-head
  1715. skull ventilator thing
  1716.  
  1717. 404
  1718. 00:16:10,750 --> 00:16:12,600
  1719. and that's about it.
  1720.  
  1721. 405
  1722. 00:16:12,600 --> 00:16:14,550
  1723. The rest of us ground up into dust
  1724.  
  1725. 406
  1726. 00:16:14,550 --> 00:16:16,770
  1727. and our bodies used to
  1728. pave the road to Valhalla.
  1729.  
  1730. 407
  1731. 00:16:16,770 --> 00:16:18,730
  1732. So instead of talking about
  1733. burning our country down,
  1734.  
  1735. 408
  1736. 00:16:18,730 --> 00:16:19,960
  1737. how 'bout we all just come together
  1738.  
  1739. 409
  1740. 00:16:19,960 --> 00:16:21,700
  1741. and fix this bitch called America?
  1742.  
  1743. 410
  1744. 00:16:21,700 --> 00:16:22,606
  1745. How 'bout that?
  1746.  
  1747. 411
  1748. 00:16:22,606 --> 00:16:24,579
  1749. (audience cheering)
  1750. Yeah.
  1751.  
  1752. 412
  1753. 00:16:24,579 --> 00:16:25,544
  1754. Fix this bitch.
  1755.  
  1756. 413
  1757. 00:16:25,544 --> 00:16:26,894
  1758. Fix this bitch.
  1759.  
  1760. 414
  1761. 00:16:26,894 --> 00:16:27,972
  1762. - Fix this bitch.
  1763.  
  1764. 415
  1765. 00:16:27,972 --> 00:16:29,144
  1766. Fix this bitch.
  1767.  
  1768. 416
  1769. 00:16:29,144 --> 00:16:30,424
  1770. Fix this bitch.
  1771.  
  1772. 417
  1773. 00:16:30,424 --> 00:16:31,640
  1774. - Build a wall!
  1775.  
  1776. 418
  1777. 00:16:31,640 --> 00:16:32,744
  1778. Yes, we can!
  1779.  
  1780. 419
  1781. 00:16:32,744 --> 00:16:33,962
  1782. I win her!
  1783.  
  1784. 420
  1785. 00:16:33,962 --> 00:16:35,130
  1786. Blood and soil!
  1787.  
  1788. 421
  1789. 00:16:35,130 --> 00:16:37,170
  1790. Yeah.
  1791.  
  1792. 422
  1793. 00:16:37,170 --> 00:16:38,190
  1794. Yeah.
  1795.  
  1796. 423
  1797. 00:16:38,190 --> 00:16:39,640
  1798. I think we all learned this year,
  1799.  
  1800. 424
  1801. 00:16:39,640 --> 00:16:41,760
  1802. if you can break your
  1803. idea down to three words,
  1804.  
  1805. 425
  1806. 00:16:41,760 --> 00:16:44,503
  1807. dumbasses'll follow you anywhere.
  1808.  
  1809. 426
  1810. 00:16:45,594 --> 00:16:48,430
  1811. (laughing)
  1812.  
  1813. 427
  1814. 00:16:48,430 --> 00:16:49,263
  1815. Oh, come on!
  1816.  
  1817. 428
  1818. 00:16:49,263 --> 00:16:50,096
  1819. Nazis are back.
  1820.  
  1821. 429
  1822. 00:16:50,096 --> 00:16:52,360
  1823. We had khaki-pant wearing polo shirt Nazis
  1824.  
  1825. 430
  1826. 00:16:52,360 --> 00:16:53,193
  1827. out there this year.
  1828.  
  1829. 431
  1830. 00:16:53,193 --> 00:16:55,080
  1831. That was insane.
  1832.  
  1833. 432
  1834. 00:16:55,080 --> 00:16:55,913
  1835. That was insane.
  1836.  
  1837. 433
  1838. 00:16:55,913 --> 00:16:57,683
  1839. I don't think, they couldn't
  1840. all be Nazis, you know?
  1841.  
  1842. 434
  1843. 00:16:57,683 --> 00:16:59,690
  1844. I think some of them
  1845. were Best Buy employees
  1846.  
  1847. 435
  1848. 00:16:59,690 --> 00:17:01,403
  1849. walking through the park on the way home,
  1850.  
  1851. 436
  1852. 00:17:02,440 --> 00:17:04,270
  1853. and they just got sucked into the chant.
  1854.  
  1855. 437
  1856. 00:17:04,270 --> 00:17:05,877
  1857. They're like, blood and soil!
  1858.  
  1859. 438
  1860. 00:17:05,877 --> 00:17:07,370
  1861. Are we gardeners, what are we doing?
  1862.  
  1863. 439
  1864. 00:17:07,370 --> 00:17:08,830
  1865. Gimme a torch, blood and soil.
  1866.  
  1867. 440
  1868. 00:17:08,830 --> 00:17:09,913
  1869. What are we doin'?
  1870.  
  1871. 441
  1872. 00:17:12,670 --> 00:17:13,940
  1873. Was a weird year, wasn't it?
  1874.  
  1875. 442
  1876. 00:17:13,940 --> 00:17:15,580
  1877. We had so much weird stuff happening,
  1878.  
  1879. 443
  1880. 00:17:15,580 --> 00:17:17,300
  1881. hurricanes lining up off the coast
  1882.  
  1883. 444
  1884. 00:17:17,300 --> 00:17:20,400
  1885. like they're waiting for
  1886. rides at Disneyland, man.
  1887.  
  1888. 445
  1889. 00:17:20,400 --> 00:17:21,770
  1890. They ran out of names at one point.
  1891.  
  1892. 446
  1893. 00:17:21,770 --> 00:17:22,654
  1894. They're like, what do we name this one?
  1895.  
  1896. 447
  1897. 00:17:22,654 --> 00:17:24,487
  1898. Zitigua, I don't know!
  1899.  
  1900. 448
  1901. 00:17:25,717 --> 00:17:26,550
  1902. It was insane.
  1903.  
  1904. 449
  1905. 00:17:26,550 --> 00:17:28,180
  1906. And the country, we were
  1907. getting along so well.
  1908.  
  1909. 450
  1910. 00:17:28,180 --> 00:17:29,450
  1911. God we haven't gotten along this good
  1912.  
  1913. 451
  1914. 00:17:29,450 --> 00:17:31,821
  1915. since the Manson family
  1916. picnic with the Tates.
  1917.  
  1918. 452
  1919. 00:17:31,821 --> 00:17:34,057
  1920. (audience groaning)
  1921.  
  1922. 453
  1923. 00:17:34,057 --> 00:17:35,953
  1924. (sporadic applause)
  1925.  
  1926. 454
  1927. 00:17:35,953 --> 00:17:36,786
  1928. Well, really?
  1929.  
  1930. 455
  1931. 00:17:36,786 --> 00:17:38,342
  1932. You mad?
  1933.  
  1934. 456
  1935. 00:17:38,342 --> 00:17:39,175
  1936. Oh, shut up.
  1937.  
  1938. 457
  1939. 00:17:39,175 --> 00:17:41,577
  1940. I waited 50 years to tell that joke.
  1941.  
  1942. 458
  1943. 00:17:42,467 --> 00:17:44,830
  1944. You guys can't be mad at
  1945. a 50-year-old reference.
  1946.  
  1947. 459
  1948. 00:17:44,830 --> 00:17:45,663
  1949. My God.
  1950.  
  1951. 460
  1952. 00:17:47,950 --> 00:17:50,690
  1953. World Health Organization
  1954. proved that meat causes cancer.
  1955.  
  1956. 461
  1957. 00:17:50,690 --> 00:17:52,580
  1958. Great, then the Super Bowl barbecue
  1959.  
  1960. 462
  1961. 00:17:52,580 --> 00:17:54,623
  1962. is just a smoky-flavored war crime.
  1963.  
  1964. 463
  1965. 00:17:55,960 --> 00:17:57,510
  1966. Course none of us have
  1967. to worry about cancer
  1968.  
  1969. 464
  1970. 00:17:57,510 --> 00:17:59,390
  1971. 'cause climate change
  1972. gonna drown half of us
  1973.  
  1974. 465
  1975. 00:17:59,390 --> 00:18:01,760
  1976. and set the other half on fire.
  1977.  
  1978. 466
  1979. 00:18:01,760 --> 00:18:03,993
  1980. Oh, I'm so glad it doesn't exist.
  1981.  
  1982. 467
  1983. 00:18:06,810 --> 00:18:07,800
  1984. It's a bad year.
  1985.  
  1986. 468
  1987. 00:18:07,800 --> 00:18:08,633
  1988. Prince is dead.
  1989.  
  1990. 469
  1991. 00:18:08,633 --> 00:18:10,503
  1992. Prince can't die, he's imaginary.
  1993.  
  1994. 470
  1995. 00:18:14,300 --> 00:18:15,900
  1996. And here's the sad thing for me.
  1997.  
  1998. 471
  1999. 00:18:15,900 --> 00:18:17,810
  2000. I thought we were doing so well.
  2001.  
  2002. 472
  2003. 00:18:17,810 --> 00:18:18,680
  2004. Human beings were doing,
  2005.  
  2006. 473
  2007. 00:18:18,680 --> 00:18:20,120
  2008. we're amazing, the stuff we do.
  2009.  
  2010. 474
  2011. 00:18:20,120 --> 00:18:21,440
  2012. I have a phone in my pocket right now,
  2013.  
  2014. 475
  2015. 00:18:21,440 --> 00:18:22,273
  2016. I hit one button,
  2017.  
  2018. 476
  2019. 00:18:22,273 --> 00:18:23,820
  2020. calls anywhere in the planet in a second.
  2021.  
  2022. 477
  2023. 00:18:23,820 --> 00:18:26,130
  2024. While I'm doing that, I can watch a video
  2025.  
  2026. 478
  2027. 00:18:26,130 --> 00:18:28,280
  2028. of a young child hitting
  2029. his father in the testicles
  2030.  
  2031. 479
  2032. 00:18:28,280 --> 00:18:29,430
  2033. with a Wiffle ball bat.
  2034.  
  2035. 480
  2036. 00:18:31,070 --> 00:18:33,253
  2037. That is next level human being.
  2038.  
  2039. 481
  2040. 00:18:35,040 --> 00:18:37,010
  2041. We eradicated polio, got rid of smallpox,
  2042.  
  2043. 482
  2044. 00:18:37,010 --> 00:18:38,710
  2045. made it possible to live with AIDS,
  2046.  
  2047. 483
  2048. 00:18:38,710 --> 00:18:40,120
  2049. but we cannot crack the code
  2050.  
  2051. 484
  2052. 00:18:40,120 --> 00:18:42,063
  2053. on the vaccine for stupid, can we?
  2054.  
  2055. 485
  2056. 00:18:44,457 --> 00:18:45,410
  2057. How do you know if you're stupid?
  2058.  
  2059. 486
  2060. 00:18:45,410 --> 00:18:47,650
  2061. Well, if your 10th grade English teacher
  2062.  
  2063. 487
  2064. 00:18:47,650 --> 00:18:50,152
  2065. helped you write your
  2066. third birth announcement,
  2067.  
  2068. 488
  2069. 00:18:50,152 --> 00:18:53,400
  2070. (pained groaning)
  2071.  
  2072. 489
  2073. 00:18:53,400 --> 00:18:54,356
  2074. you're an idiot.
  2075.  
  2076. 490
  2077. 00:18:54,356 --> 00:18:56,425
  2078. (audience applauding)
  2079.  
  2080. 491
  2081. 00:18:56,425 --> 00:18:59,613
  2082. If you spell pregnant, preeg-nart,
  2083.  
  2084. 492
  2085. 00:19:01,727 --> 00:19:03,394
  2086. that's another hint.
  2087.  
  2088. 493
  2089. 00:19:13,210 --> 00:19:14,850
  2090. I'll tell you what this
  2091. last election proved to me.
  2092.  
  2093. 494
  2094. 00:19:14,850 --> 00:19:15,720
  2095. It proved to me what I'm not.
  2096.  
  2097. 495
  2098. 00:19:15,720 --> 00:19:16,553
  2099. I'm not a Democrat.
  2100.  
  2101. 496
  2102. 00:19:16,553 --> 00:19:17,530
  2103. I'm not a Republican.
  2104.  
  2105. 497
  2106. 00:19:17,530 --> 00:19:19,120
  2107. I'm not a conservative, not a liberal.
  2108.  
  2109. 498
  2110. 00:19:19,120 --> 00:19:19,953
  2111. I'm not a hobbit.
  2112.  
  2113. 499
  2114. 00:19:19,953 --> 00:19:20,786
  2115. I'm not a orc.
  2116.  
  2117. 500
  2118. 00:19:22,405 --> 00:19:23,238
  2119. I'm not Slytherin.
  2120.  
  2121. 501
  2122. 00:19:23,238 --> 00:19:24,071
  2123. I'm not Gryffindor.
  2124.  
  2125. 502
  2126. 00:19:24,071 --> 00:19:26,090
  2127. And I'm definitely not a Hufflepuff.
  2128.  
  2129. 503
  2130. 00:19:27,874 --> 00:19:29,960
  2131. Yeah. Yeah.
  2132.  
  2133. 504
  2134. 00:19:29,960 --> 00:19:32,123
  2135. Yeah, screw that
  2136. imaginary group of people.
  2137.  
  2138. 505
  2139. 00:19:33,470 --> 00:19:34,830
  2140. I'm an independent, 100%.
  2141.  
  2142. 506
  2143. 00:19:34,830 --> 00:19:36,266
  2144. I believe in the death penalty.
  2145.  
  2146. 507
  2147. 00:19:36,266 --> 00:19:39,640
  2148. (crowd cheering)
  2149. Yes.
  2150.  
  2151. 508
  2152. 00:19:39,640 --> 00:19:41,320
  2153. I believe in the death penalty,
  2154.  
  2155. 509
  2156. 00:19:41,320 --> 00:19:42,950
  2157. but I also believe that
  2158. when you get convicted
  2159.  
  2160. 510
  2161. 00:19:42,950 --> 00:19:44,040
  2162. of the death penalty,
  2163.  
  2164. 511
  2165. 00:19:44,040 --> 00:19:45,360
  2166. they should put you in a penalty box
  2167.  
  2168. 512
  2169. 00:19:45,360 --> 00:19:47,253
  2170. and you get beaten to
  2171. death by hockey players.
  2172.  
  2173. 513
  2174. 00:19:47,253 --> 00:19:52,253
  2175. (audience applauding)
  2176. (audience cheering)
  2177.  
  2178. 514
  2179. 00:19:53,320 --> 00:19:55,190
  2180. But if it's lethal injection,
  2181.  
  2182. 515
  2183. 00:19:55,190 --> 00:19:57,040
  2184. it should be organic and gluten-free.
  2185.  
  2186. 516
  2187. 00:19:59,290 --> 00:20:01,640
  2188. Somebody might have an
  2189. allergy, you don't know.
  2190.  
  2191. 517
  2192. 00:20:02,810 --> 00:20:04,580
  2193. I'm getting kinda itchy in here.
  2194.  
  2195. 518
  2196. 00:20:08,440 --> 00:20:10,863
  2197. My last meal was supposed
  2198. to have a Claritin.
  2199.  
  2200. 519
  2201. 00:20:16,482 --> 00:20:17,420
  2202. I believe in abortion
  2203.  
  2204. 520
  2205. 00:20:17,420 --> 00:20:19,270
  2206. but only if the mother is exercising
  2207.  
  2208. 521
  2209. 00:20:19,270 --> 00:20:22,093
  2210. her Second Amendment
  2211. rights while performing it.
  2212.  
  2213. 522
  2214. 00:20:22,093 --> 00:20:24,009
  2215. (nervous laughing)
  2216.  
  2217. 523
  2218. 00:20:24,009 --> 00:20:25,493
  2219. (scattered applause)
  2220.  
  2221. 524
  2222. 00:20:25,493 --> 00:20:26,663
  2223. Well.
  2224.  
  2225. 525
  2226. 00:20:26,663 --> 00:20:28,023
  2227. Well.
  2228.  
  2229. 526
  2230. 00:20:28,023 --> 00:20:30,110
  2231. I guess somebody loves the Constitution
  2232.  
  2233. 527
  2234. 00:20:30,110 --> 00:20:32,263
  2235. a lot more than other people in Arizona.
  2236.  
  2237. 528
  2238. 00:20:34,631 --> 00:20:35,464
  2239. When I wrote that joke,
  2240.  
  2241. 529
  2242. 00:20:35,464 --> 00:20:38,017
  2243. I knew it was gonna get that reaction.
  2244.  
  2245. 530
  2246. 00:20:38,017 --> 00:20:39,608
  2247. And my brain went, say it anyway,
  2248.  
  2249. 531
  2250. 00:20:39,608 --> 00:20:40,458
  2251. and I said, okay.
  2252.  
  2253. 532
  2254. 00:20:43,030 --> 00:20:44,373
  2255. Let me tell you the problem
  2256. with America right now.
  2257.  
  2258. 533
  2259. 00:20:44,373 --> 00:20:46,470
  2260. It's the same problem throughout history.
  2261.  
  2262. 534
  2263. 00:20:46,470 --> 00:20:48,450
  2264. The problem with America
  2265. right now is they,
  2266.  
  2267. 535
  2268. 00:20:48,450 --> 00:20:49,510
  2269. they who run things.
  2270.  
  2271. 536
  2272. 00:20:49,510 --> 00:20:50,620
  2273. You, know all they want is money,
  2274.  
  2275. 537
  2276. 00:20:50,620 --> 00:20:51,453
  2277. all they want is power.
  2278.  
  2279. 538
  2280. 00:20:51,453 --> 00:20:53,450
  2281. They all have small penises, even Hillary.
  2282.  
  2283. 539
  2284. 00:20:55,540 --> 00:20:56,790
  2285. She's swinging something.
  2286.  
  2287. 540
  2288. 00:20:58,290 --> 00:20:59,730
  2289. They're the ones who start the wars.
  2290.  
  2291. 541
  2292. 00:20:59,730 --> 00:21:01,160
  2293. They're the one who crashed the economy.
  2294.  
  2295. 542
  2296. 00:21:01,160 --> 00:21:02,910
  2297. Did you crash the economy, sir?
  2298.  
  2299. 543
  2300. 00:21:02,910 --> 00:21:03,743
  2301. - Nope.
  2302. - No, what do you
  2303.  
  2304. 544
  2305. 00:21:03,743 --> 00:21:05,240
  2306. do for a living?
  2307.  
  2308. 545
  2309. 00:21:05,240 --> 00:21:07,610
  2310. - Maintenance.
  2311. - Maintenance. (laughing)
  2312.  
  2313. 546
  2314. 00:21:07,610 --> 00:21:08,443
  2315. That's kinda vague.
  2316.  
  2317. 547
  2318. 00:21:08,443 --> 00:21:11,023
  2319. Sounds kinda drug dealer-y, right there.
  2320.  
  2321. 548
  2322. 00:21:11,023 --> 00:21:12,320
  2323. What do you do, maintenance.
  2324.  
  2325. 549
  2326. 00:21:12,320 --> 00:21:13,390
  2327. Do you need some more?
  2328.  
  2329. 550
  2330. 00:21:13,390 --> 00:21:14,890
  2331. Good, I got some, here you go.
  2332.  
  2333. 551
  2334. 00:21:15,940 --> 00:21:17,290
  2335. You maintaining, all right.
  2336.  
  2337. 552
  2338. 00:21:18,830 --> 00:21:20,780
  2339. Maintenance, of course you
  2340. didn't crash the economy.
  2341.  
  2342. 553
  2343. 00:21:20,780 --> 00:21:22,430
  2344. Did the start the Iraq War, dude?
  2345.  
  2346. 554
  2347. 00:21:22,430 --> 00:21:23,310
  2348. No, of course you didn't.
  2349.  
  2350. 555
  2351. 00:21:23,310 --> 00:21:24,320
  2352. You worked at Ruby Tuesdays
  2353.  
  2354. 556
  2355. 00:21:24,320 --> 00:21:25,960
  2356. and pray to God the
  2357. hostess wasn't pregnant.
  2358.  
  2359. 557
  2360. 00:21:25,960 --> 00:21:28,550
  2361. I swear to God that's what you did.
  2362.  
  2363. 558
  2364. 00:21:30,360 --> 00:21:31,410
  2365. No, course we didn't.
  2366.  
  2367. 559
  2368. 00:21:31,410 --> 00:21:32,690
  2369. We never have anything to do with that.
  2370.  
  2371. 560
  2372. 00:21:32,690 --> 00:21:34,130
  2373. It's always they, and who are they?
  2374.  
  2375. 561
  2376. 00:21:34,130 --> 00:21:35,240
  2377. Well, in America's history,
  2378.  
  2379. 562
  2380. 00:21:35,240 --> 00:21:38,480
  2381. they are always old, ancient,
  2382. silver-haired white men.
  2383.  
  2384. 563
  2385. 00:21:38,480 --> 00:21:40,043
  2386. A lot of 'em are Draculas.
  2387.  
  2388. 564
  2389. 00:21:42,066 --> 00:21:43,577
  2390. And they all have that thing
  2391. (tenor vocal burbling).
  2392.  
  2393. 565
  2394. 00:21:47,946 --> 00:21:49,727
  2395. I called the Sith Lord flap.
  2396.  
  2397. 566
  2398. 00:21:53,866 --> 00:21:56,930
  2399. Paul Ryan's got a little one.
  2400. (falsetto vocal burbling)
  2401.  
  2402. 567
  2403. 00:21:56,930 --> 00:21:57,980
  2404. Obama had one.
  2405.  
  2406. 568
  2407. 00:21:57,980 --> 00:21:59,473
  2408. He just calmed it back, cool.
  2409.  
  2410. 569
  2411. 00:22:01,330 --> 00:22:03,260
  2412. He made it look good.
  2413.  
  2414. 570
  2415. 00:22:03,260 --> 00:22:04,660
  2416. Mitch McConnell, (heavy
  2417. bass vocal burbling).
  2418.  
  2419. 571
  2420. 00:22:06,495 --> 00:22:07,990
  2421. All right, I don't want
  2422. to make too much fun
  2423.  
  2424. 572
  2425. 00:22:07,990 --> 00:22:09,390
  2426. of Mitch McConnell 'cause I loved his work
  2427.  
  2428. 573
  2429. 00:22:09,390 --> 00:22:11,013
  2430. as the pelican in Finding Nemo.
  2431.  
  2432. 574
  2433. 00:22:13,847 --> 00:22:14,680
  2434. Awesome.
  2435.  
  2436. 575
  2437. 00:22:17,720 --> 00:22:18,690
  2438. That's who they are,
  2439.  
  2440. 576
  2441. 00:22:18,690 --> 00:22:19,740
  2442. and what they did this year,
  2443.  
  2444. 577
  2445. 00:22:19,740 --> 00:22:21,180
  2446. I've never seen it this bad.
  2447.  
  2448. 578
  2449. 00:22:21,180 --> 00:22:23,010
  2450. They convinced everybody in America
  2451.  
  2452. 579
  2453. 00:22:23,010 --> 00:22:24,110
  2454. it was us versus them,
  2455.  
  2456. 580
  2457. 00:22:24,110 --> 00:22:25,560
  2458. Democrats verus Republicans,
  2459.  
  2460. 581
  2461. 00:22:25,560 --> 00:22:27,020
  2462. Republicans versus Democrats.
  2463.  
  2464. 582
  2465. 00:22:27,020 --> 00:22:28,450
  2466. We couldn't get along.
  2467.  
  2468. 583
  2469. 00:22:28,450 --> 00:22:30,530
  2470. In fact, everybody in this room right now
  2471.  
  2472. 584
  2473. 00:22:30,530 --> 00:22:32,730
  2474. has an opinion about
  2475. someone who doesn't agree
  2476.  
  2477. 585
  2478. 00:22:32,730 --> 00:22:33,563
  2479. with them politically.
  2480.  
  2481. 586
  2482. 00:22:33,563 --> 00:22:34,396
  2483. Am I right?
  2484.  
  2485. 587
  2486. 00:22:34,396 --> 00:22:35,229
  2487. Hell, yeah.
  2488.  
  2489. 588
  2490. 00:22:35,229 --> 00:22:36,650
  2491. Every conservative in this room
  2492.  
  2493. 589
  2494. 00:22:36,650 --> 00:22:39,420
  2495. is a four-wheel truck driving,
  2496. sister-screwing redneck
  2497.  
  2498. 590
  2499. 00:22:39,420 --> 00:22:41,710
  2500. and every liberal eats kale salad
  2501.  
  2502. 591
  2503. 00:22:41,710 --> 00:22:42,810
  2504. out the butt of his boyfriend.
  2505.  
  2506. 592
  2507. 00:22:42,810 --> 00:22:43,669
  2508. Am I right?
  2509.  
  2510. 593
  2511. 00:22:43,669 --> 00:22:44,690
  2512. (audience cheering)
  2513.  
  2514. 594
  2515. 00:22:44,690 --> 00:22:45,830
  2516. Yeah.
  2517.  
  2518. 595
  2519. 00:22:45,830 --> 00:22:48,583
  2520. Drizzled in raspberry balsamic, come on!
  2521.  
  2522. 596
  2523. 00:22:51,360 --> 00:22:52,680
  2524. That's what we think about each other.
  2525.  
  2526. 597
  2527. 00:22:52,680 --> 00:22:53,513
  2528. It's crazy.
  2529.  
  2530. 598
  2531. 00:22:53,513 --> 00:22:55,490
  2532. Same ol', same country, same people, too.
  2533.  
  2534. 599
  2535. 00:22:55,490 --> 00:22:57,740
  2536. If I asked you, if I asked you liberals
  2537.  
  2538. 600
  2539. 00:22:57,740 --> 00:22:59,730
  2540. to get up here and do an
  2541. impression of a conservative,
  2542.  
  2543. 601
  2544. 00:22:59,730 --> 00:23:01,660
  2545. you guys would lose your minds.
  2546.  
  2547. 602
  2548. 00:23:01,660 --> 00:23:02,856
  2549. Oh, my God, lemme do it, lemme do it,
  2550.  
  2551. 603
  2552. 00:23:02,856 --> 00:23:05,090
  2553. lemme do it, lemme do it, lemme do it.
  2554.  
  2555. 604
  2556. 00:23:05,090 --> 00:23:05,977
  2557. I'm doin' it.
  2558.  
  2559. 605
  2560. 00:23:05,977 --> 00:23:07,720
  2561. I'm gonna do it, I'm just sayin'.
  2562.  
  2563. 606
  2564. 00:23:07,720 --> 00:23:10,020
  2565. Don't make me laugh,
  2566. Marcia, I got this, okay.
  2567.  
  2568. 607
  2569. 00:23:14,380 --> 00:23:15,213
  2570. Stop it.
  2571.  
  2572. 608
  2573. 00:23:16,750 --> 00:23:19,183
  2574. All right, my impression
  2575. of a conservative.
  2576.  
  2577. 609
  2578. 00:23:22,759 --> 00:23:25,798
  2579. (audience laughing)
  2580.  
  2581. 610
  2582. 00:23:25,798 --> 00:23:27,278
  2583. Well, I went to the Walmarts
  2584.  
  2585. 611
  2586. 00:23:27,278 --> 00:23:28,930
  2587. and I got me a seventh gun,
  2588.  
  2589. 612
  2590. 00:23:28,930 --> 00:23:31,630
  2591. then headed down to Plan
  2592. Obama at the abortion clinic.
  2593.  
  2594. 613
  2595. 00:23:31,630 --> 00:23:33,130
  2596. Then I went way downtown and kicked
  2597.  
  2598. 614
  2599. 00:23:33,130 --> 00:23:36,333
  2600. a young black feller in
  2601. the testiculars, yep.
  2602.  
  2603. 615
  2604. 00:23:36,333 --> 00:23:38,560
  2605. Now I'm going out to a KKK rally
  2606.  
  2607. 616
  2608. 00:23:38,560 --> 00:23:39,730
  2609. at a Ted Nugent concert
  2610.  
  2611. 617
  2612. 00:23:39,730 --> 00:23:41,640
  2613. where I'm gonna shoot me
  2614. an endangered species.
  2615.  
  2616. 618
  2617. 00:23:41,640 --> 00:23:42,473
  2618. Yee-haw!
  2619.  
  2620. 619
  2621. 00:23:44,614 --> 00:23:47,223
  2622. (audience cheering)
  2623.  
  2624. 620
  2625. 00:23:47,223 --> 00:23:48,723
  2626. You would think...
  2627.  
  2628. 621
  2629. 00:23:50,794 --> 00:23:52,521
  2630. If I asked you
  2631. conservatives to get up here
  2632.  
  2633. 622
  2634. 00:23:52,521 --> 00:23:53,540
  2635. and do an impression of a liberal,
  2636.  
  2637. 623
  2638. 00:23:53,540 --> 00:23:55,040
  2639. you guys would beat each other's ass
  2640.  
  2641. 624
  2642. 00:23:55,040 --> 00:23:55,873
  2643. to get on the stage.
  2644.  
  2645. 625
  2646. 00:23:55,873 --> 00:23:57,200
  2647. (imitating punching thuds)
  2648.  
  2649. 626
  2650. 00:23:57,200 --> 00:23:58,803
  2651. Shut up, Bobby, I'm doin' it.
  2652.  
  2653. 627
  2654. 00:24:00,500 --> 00:24:02,397
  2655. 'Cause I'm better at it than you.
  2656.  
  2657. 628
  2658. 00:24:04,720 --> 00:24:05,633
  2659. Go ahead get up.
  2660.  
  2661. 629
  2662. 00:24:08,070 --> 00:24:08,960
  2663. All right, here's my
  2664. impression of a liberal.
  2665.  
  2666. 630
  2667. 00:24:08,960 --> 00:24:10,612
  2668. (glass dings)
  2669.  
  2670. 631
  2671. 00:24:10,612 --> 00:24:11,890
  2672. (harsh nasal snorting)
  2673.  
  2674. 632
  2675. 00:24:11,890 --> 00:24:12,723
  2676. Was that round one?
  2677.  
  2678. 633
  2679. 00:24:12,723 --> 00:24:13,923
  2680. What the hell just happened?
  2681.  
  2682. 634
  2683. 00:24:19,783 --> 00:24:21,790
  2684. All right, my impression of liberal.
  2685.  
  2686. 635
  2687. 00:24:21,790 --> 00:24:25,530
  2688. Here we go. (harsh throat hacking)
  2689.  
  2690. 636
  2691. 00:24:25,530 --> 00:24:27,430
  2692. I'll tell you when it's okay to laugh.
  2693.  
  2694. 637
  2695. 00:24:29,180 --> 00:24:31,050
  2696. All right, liberal (heavy grunting).
  2697.  
  2698. 638
  2699. 00:24:31,050 --> 00:24:31,883
  2700. Here we go.
  2701.  
  2702. 639
  2703. 00:24:33,160 --> 00:24:35,093
  2704. Oh my God, you won't
  2705. believe what happened.
  2706.  
  2707. 640
  2708. 00:24:39,060 --> 00:24:41,580
  2709. I was at my job helping
  2710. the lesbian manatees
  2711.  
  2712. 641
  2713. 00:24:41,580 --> 00:24:44,890
  2714. and somebody used the word Oriental
  2715.  
  2716. 642
  2717. 00:24:44,890 --> 00:24:46,323
  2718. and I lost my shit.
  2719.  
  2720. 643
  2721. 00:24:48,332 --> 00:24:49,500
  2722. I went down to the ACLU
  2723.  
  2724. 644
  2725. 00:24:49,500 --> 00:24:50,727
  2726. and I filed a hate crime, goddammit.
  2727.  
  2728. 645
  2729. 00:24:50,727 --> 00:24:54,298
  2730. And I was so upset on the way
  2731. home, I adopted a petting zoo.
  2732.  
  2733. 646
  2734. 00:24:54,298 --> 00:24:56,080
  2735. (snorting laugh)
  2736.  
  2737. 647
  2738. 00:24:56,080 --> 00:24:58,153
  2739. I actually have a lama that's a rescue.
  2740.  
  2741. 648
  2742. 00:24:59,687 --> 00:25:00,820
  2743. Now I'm on my way downtown,
  2744.  
  2745. 649
  2746. 00:25:00,820 --> 00:25:03,670
  2747. 'cause inside, I'm really a
  2748. woman and I am transitioning,
  2749.  
  2750. 650
  2751. 00:25:04,954 --> 00:25:07,100
  2752. and I will use any damn bathroom I want,
  2753.  
  2754. 651
  2755. 00:25:07,100 --> 00:25:08,760
  2756. and I will molest children like I work
  2757.  
  2758. 652
  2759. 00:25:08,760 --> 00:25:10,333
  2760. for the U.S. Olympic Committee.
  2761.  
  2762. 653
  2763. 00:25:10,333 --> 00:25:13,890
  2764. (audience groaning)
  2765.  
  2766. 654
  2767. 00:25:13,890 --> 00:25:14,723
  2768. Really?
  2769.  
  2770. 655
  2771. 00:25:14,723 --> 00:25:16,830
  2772. (audience cheering)
  2773.  
  2774. 656
  2775. 00:25:16,830 --> 00:25:19,233
  2776. Be mad all you want, at least I'm current.
  2777.  
  2778. 657
  2779. 00:25:22,182 --> 00:25:24,440
  2780. I don't know anybody like that.
  2781.  
  2782. 658
  2783. 00:25:24,440 --> 00:25:26,840
  2784. I take that back, I know
  2785. three people like that.
  2786.  
  2787. 659
  2788. 00:25:28,342 --> 00:25:29,700
  2789. Two live in Prescott, Arizona,
  2790.  
  2791. 660
  2792. 00:25:29,700 --> 00:25:30,800
  2793. one lives in Berkeley.
  2794.  
  2795. 661
  2796. 00:25:32,280 --> 00:25:33,837
  2797. And I'm related to one of 'em.
  2798.  
  2799. 662
  2800. 00:25:34,730 --> 00:25:36,330
  2801. I don't know anybody like that.
  2802.  
  2803. 663
  2804. 00:25:36,330 --> 00:25:38,260
  2805. You know, it's not us
  2806. and them, the people,
  2807.  
  2808. 664
  2809. 00:25:38,260 --> 00:25:39,570
  2810. it's we the people,
  2811.  
  2812. 665
  2813. 00:25:39,570 --> 00:25:40,403
  2814. and we forgot that.
  2815.  
  2816. 666
  2817. 00:25:40,403 --> 00:25:43,060
  2818. And be clear, we do not have to agree
  2819.  
  2820. 667
  2821. 00:25:43,060 --> 00:25:45,843
  2822. but we have to get along
  2823. or this shit burns down.
  2824.  
  2825. 668
  2826. 00:25:45,843 --> 00:25:49,494
  2827. (audience cheering)
  2828. (audience applauding)
  2829.  
  2830. 669
  2831. 00:25:49,494 --> 00:25:51,911
  2832. But, if we could get together
  2833.  
  2834. 670
  2835. 00:25:53,980 --> 00:25:55,440
  2836. and show up in Washington together,
  2837.  
  2838. 671
  2839. 00:25:55,440 --> 00:25:57,060
  2840. red baseball hats, pink pussy hats,
  2841.  
  2842. 672
  2843. 00:25:57,060 --> 00:25:58,077
  2844. how ya doin'?
  2845.  
  2846. 673
  2847. 00:25:59,990 --> 00:26:01,230
  2848. Yeah we worked our stuff out,
  2849.  
  2850. 674
  2851. 00:26:01,230 --> 00:26:02,210
  2852. and I gotta be honest.
  2853.  
  2854. 675
  2855. 00:26:02,210 --> 00:26:05,093
  2856. I love lavender organic
  2857. potpourri, I ain't lyin'.
  2858.  
  2859. 676
  2860. 00:26:06,900 --> 00:26:09,020
  2861. And I don't think meat is murder anymore
  2862.  
  2863. 677
  2864. 00:26:09,020 --> 00:26:10,595
  2865. unless you eat people.
  2866.  
  2867. 678
  2868. 00:26:10,595 --> 00:26:12,332
  2869. (audience laughing)
  2870.  
  2871. 679
  2872. 00:26:12,332 --> 00:26:15,582
  2873. (audience applauding)
  2874.  
  2875. 680
  2876. 00:26:16,883 --> 00:26:17,716
  2877. We?
  2878.  
  2879. 681
  2880. 00:26:19,250 --> 00:26:23,073
  2881. We show up, they are fucked.
  2882.  
  2883. 682
  2884. 00:26:24,860 --> 00:26:25,902
  2885. They wouldn't know--
  2886. (audience whooping)
  2887.  
  2888. 683
  2889. 00:26:25,902 --> 00:26:28,480
  2890. Yeah.
  2891.  
  2892. 684
  2893. 00:26:28,480 --> 00:26:30,080
  2894. They wouldn't know what to do.
  2895.  
  2896. 685
  2897. 00:26:30,080 --> 00:26:31,220
  2898. They'd have to have a meeting.
  2899.  
  2900. 686
  2901. 00:26:31,220 --> 00:26:33,830
  2902. The meeting would go like
  2903. this (rapid tenor burbling).
  2904.  
  2905. 687
  2906. 00:26:38,912 --> 00:26:42,270
  2907. (falsetto burbling)
  2908.  
  2909. 688
  2910. 00:26:42,270 --> 00:26:43,880
  2911. And then after that meeting,
  2912.  
  2913. 689
  2914. 00:26:43,880 --> 00:26:47,823
  2915. they would do what they always
  2916. do when we go after they.
  2917.  
  2918. 690
  2919. 00:26:48,750 --> 00:26:51,703
  2920. They would invent a new them.
  2921.  
  2922. 691
  2923. 00:26:53,520 --> 00:26:54,763
  2924. Over there.
  2925.  
  2926. 692
  2927. 00:26:55,830 --> 00:26:56,950
  2928. Always a brown them.
  2929.  
  2930. 693
  2931. 00:26:56,950 --> 00:26:58,590
  2932. Have you noticed?
  2933.  
  2934. 694
  2935. 00:26:58,590 --> 00:26:59,920
  2936. Oh yeah, Iraq, brown them,
  2937.  
  2938. 695
  2939. 00:26:59,920 --> 00:27:00,900
  2940. Vietnam, brown them.
  2941.  
  2942. 696
  2943. 00:27:00,900 --> 00:27:03,700
  2944. We're all worried about
  2945. the brown them of Mexico
  2946.  
  2947. 697
  2948. 00:27:03,700 --> 00:27:06,010
  2949. coming across the border right now.
  2950.  
  2951. 698
  2952. 00:27:06,010 --> 00:27:07,520
  2953. Yeah, it's all brown them.
  2954.  
  2955. 699
  2956. 00:27:07,520 --> 00:27:08,630
  2957. Man, we're all scared to death
  2958.  
  2959. 700
  2960. 00:27:08,630 --> 00:27:10,330
  2961. of a North Korean Asian weird haircutted,
  2962.  
  2963. 701
  2964. 00:27:10,330 --> 00:27:12,193
  2965. weird little fat guy them.
  2966.  
  2967. 702
  2968. 00:27:14,380 --> 00:27:16,190
  2969. Anybody here really afraid of North Korea?
  2970.  
  2971. 703
  2972. 00:27:16,190 --> 00:27:17,310
  2973. 'Cause I got to be honest.
  2974.  
  2975. 704
  2976. 00:27:17,310 --> 00:27:18,750
  2977. I can throw a Frisbee farther
  2978.  
  2979. 705
  2980. 00:27:18,750 --> 00:27:20,591
  2981. than North Korea can launch a missile.
  2982.  
  2983. 706
  2984. 00:27:20,591 --> 00:27:23,652
  2985. (audience applauding)
  2986.  
  2987. 707
  2988. 00:27:23,652 --> 00:27:24,485
  2989. (audience whistling)
  2990.  
  2991. 708
  2992. 00:27:24,485 --> 00:27:26,853
  2993. With a ton more accuracy.
  2994.  
  2995. 709
  2996. 00:27:28,720 --> 00:27:29,730
  2997. That's why Japan was mad.
  2998.  
  2999. 710
  3000. 00:27:29,730 --> 00:27:30,563
  3001. They didn't care about a nuke,
  3002.  
  3003. 711
  3004. 00:27:30,563 --> 00:27:31,472
  3005. they don't know he doesn't have it.
  3006.  
  3007. 712
  3008. 00:27:31,472 --> 00:27:35,472
  3009. They were like, he don't
  3010. know where it gonna go.
  3011.  
  3012. 713
  3013. 00:27:36,687 --> 00:27:38,520
  3014. Got to worry about the
  3015. brown them in Syria.
  3016.  
  3017. 714
  3018. 00:27:38,520 --> 00:27:39,740
  3019. Syria's got chemical weapons.
  3020.  
  3021. 715
  3022. 00:27:39,740 --> 00:27:41,850
  3023. Syria has always had chemical weapons.
  3024.  
  3025. 716
  3026. 00:27:41,850 --> 00:27:43,180
  3027. And they been at war
  3028. with a bunch of people
  3029.  
  3030. 717
  3031. 00:27:43,180 --> 00:27:44,540
  3032. they can't beat with Russians helping.
  3033.  
  3034. 718
  3035. 00:27:44,540 --> 00:27:46,170
  3036. The guys they're fighting
  3037. are attacking them
  3038.  
  3039. 719
  3040. 00:27:46,170 --> 00:27:47,843
  3041. driving Toyota pickup trucks.
  3042.  
  3043. 720
  3044. 00:27:49,450 --> 00:27:51,520
  3045. Gimme two boys from
  3046. Tennessee and one tank.
  3047.  
  3048. 721
  3049. 00:27:51,520 --> 00:27:54,160
  3050. We will jack up some Toyota pickup trucks.
  3051.  
  3052. 722
  3053. 00:27:54,160 --> 00:27:56,440
  3054. (audience applauding)
  3055.  
  3056. 723
  3057. 00:27:56,440 --> 00:27:58,760
  3058. Yeah, but that's the way they do it.
  3059.  
  3060. 724
  3061. 00:27:58,760 --> 00:28:01,090
  3062. That's the way they keep we separate,
  3063.  
  3064. 725
  3065. 00:28:01,090 --> 00:28:02,600
  3066. talking about the them, you know?
  3067.  
  3068. 726
  3069. 00:28:02,600 --> 00:28:03,910
  3070. And also, that the brown them
  3071.  
  3072. 727
  3073. 00:28:03,910 --> 00:28:05,070
  3074. always hates our white Jesus.
  3075.  
  3076. 728
  3077. 00:28:05,070 --> 00:28:07,010
  3078. Remember that, oh, they hate Christianity.
  3079.  
  3080. 729
  3081. 00:28:07,010 --> 00:28:08,400
  3082. Oh, the brown them hates Christianity,
  3083.  
  3084. 730
  3085. 00:28:08,400 --> 00:28:09,460
  3086. they hate the white Jesus.
  3087.  
  3088. 731
  3089. 00:28:09,460 --> 00:28:10,300
  3090. And I have to say this,
  3091.  
  3092. 732
  3093. 00:28:10,300 --> 00:28:13,230
  3094. white Jesus in the Middle
  3095. East, in the desert?
  3096.  
  3097. 733
  3098. 00:28:13,230 --> 00:28:14,063
  3099. Really?
  3100.  
  3101. 734
  3102. 00:28:18,600 --> 00:28:21,350
  3103. Is Santa Claus also a telepathic unicorn
  3104.  
  3105. 735
  3106. 00:28:21,350 --> 00:28:25,530
  3107. because had Jesus shown up at that time,
  3108.  
  3109. 736
  3110. 00:28:25,530 --> 00:28:29,723
  3111. this color, they woulda
  3112. killed him a lot faster.
  3113.  
  3114. 737
  3115. 00:28:31,159 --> 00:28:33,370
  3116. (audience whooping)
  3117.  
  3118. 738
  3119. 00:28:33,370 --> 00:28:35,493
  3120. The Bible would have been a pamphlet.
  3121.  
  3122. 739
  3123. 00:28:37,769 --> 00:28:39,950
  3124. Woulda looked like a Bed
  3125. Bath & Beyond coupon.
  3126.  
  3127. 740
  3128. 00:28:39,950 --> 00:28:42,020
  3129. I don't know.
  3130.  
  3131. 741
  3132. 00:28:42,020 --> 00:28:42,853
  3133. They're handing out Bibles.
  3134.  
  3135. 742
  3136. 00:28:42,853 --> 00:28:44,440
  3137. Says I get 20% off my immortal soul.
  3138.  
  3139. 743
  3140. 00:28:44,440 --> 00:28:45,633
  3141. That's pretty good.
  3142.  
  3143. 744
  3144. 00:28:47,019 --> 00:28:47,852
  3145. I'm gonna put that in a drawer.
  3146.  
  3147. 745
  3148. 00:28:47,852 --> 00:28:48,973
  3149. It's good till April a.d.
  3150.  
  3151. 746
  3152. 00:28:52,730 --> 00:28:53,563
  3153. So, don't buy it,
  3154.  
  3155. 747
  3156. 00:28:53,563 --> 00:28:54,850
  3157. 'cause this whole thing
  3158. that's going on right now
  3159.  
  3160. 748
  3161. 00:28:54,850 --> 00:28:56,890
  3162. with our government is gonna get weirder.
  3163.  
  3164. 749
  3165. 00:28:56,890 --> 00:28:58,210
  3166. Stay we.
  3167.  
  3168. 750
  3169. 00:28:58,210 --> 00:29:01,220
  3170. Don't let they distract you with the them.
  3171.  
  3172. 751
  3173. 00:29:01,220 --> 00:29:05,529
  3174. And one more thing: do not
  3175. tell they we talked about this.
  3176.  
  3177. 752
  3178. 00:29:05,529 --> 00:29:10,529
  3179. (audience cheering)
  3180. (audience applauding)
  3181.  
  3182. 753
  3183. 00:29:12,350 --> 00:29:14,763
  3184. I may disappear.
  3185.  
  3186. 754
  3187. 00:29:15,990 --> 00:29:18,410
  3188. Or they will turn me into a them,
  3189.  
  3190. 755
  3191. 00:29:18,410 --> 00:29:20,030
  3192. and then I'll be in
  3193. Russia with Edward Snowden
  3194.  
  3195. 756
  3196. 00:29:20,030 --> 00:29:21,403
  3197. going, you got any threes?
  3198.  
  3199. 757
  3200. 00:29:28,917 --> 00:29:29,834
  3201. Weird time.
  3202.  
  3203. 758
  3204. 00:29:31,400 --> 00:29:33,250
  3205. Weird time, weird time.
  3206.  
  3207. 759
  3208. 00:29:33,250 --> 00:29:34,820
  3209. Poorly-educated got
  3210. pissed during election.
  3211.  
  3212. 760
  3213. 00:29:34,820 --> 00:29:35,899
  3214. They kept saying that on the news,
  3215.  
  3216. 761
  3217. 00:29:35,899 --> 00:29:38,300
  3218. the poorly-educated are
  3219. voting big for Trump.
  3220.  
  3221. 762
  3222. 00:29:38,300 --> 00:29:39,470
  3223. The poorly-educated love Trump,
  3224.  
  3225. 763
  3226. 00:29:39,470 --> 00:29:40,303
  3227. they're voting through the roof for Trump.
  3228.  
  3229. 764
  3230. 00:29:40,303 --> 00:29:43,130
  3231. They poorly-educated
  3232. think Trump is amazing.
  3233.  
  3234. 765
  3235. 00:29:43,130 --> 00:29:44,780
  3236. Say what you want about
  3237. Trump, like him or hate him,
  3238.  
  3239. 766
  3240. 00:29:44,780 --> 00:29:47,940
  3241. you have to admit this man has no filter
  3242.  
  3243. 767
  3244. 00:29:47,940 --> 00:29:50,442
  3245. and the biggest balls of
  3246. anybody we put in that office.
  3247.  
  3248. 768
  3249. 00:29:50,442 --> 00:29:51,590
  3250. (audience applauding)
  3251.  
  3252. 769
  3253. 00:29:51,590 --> 00:29:52,870
  3254. Yeah, yeah.
  3255.  
  3256. 770
  3257. 00:29:52,870 --> 00:29:53,840
  3258. So did Hitler.
  3259.  
  3260. 771
  3261. 00:29:53,840 --> 00:29:54,673
  3262. Don't clap.
  3263.  
  3264. 772
  3265. 00:29:56,453 --> 00:29:57,830
  3266. I got a lot of friends that got big balls
  3267.  
  3268. 773
  3269. 00:29:57,830 --> 00:30:01,100
  3270. and I don't invite 'em over to
  3271. parties at my house anymore,
  3272.  
  3273. 774
  3274. 00:30:01,100 --> 00:30:02,613
  3275. because the cops follow.
  3276.  
  3277. 775
  3278. 00:30:04,870 --> 00:30:06,900
  3279. Trump had the balls to
  3280. get on stage in front
  3281.  
  3282. 776
  3283. 00:30:06,900 --> 00:30:08,780
  3284. of thousands of people
  3285. after that poll came out
  3286.  
  3287. 777
  3288. 00:30:08,780 --> 00:30:11,437
  3289. and he said, "I love the poorly-educated.
  3290.  
  3291. 778
  3292. 00:30:11,437 --> 00:30:14,210
  3293. "I love the poorly-educated."
  3294.  
  3295. 779
  3296. 00:30:14,210 --> 00:30:16,783
  3297. And the poorly-educated
  3298. were like, he loves us.
  3299.  
  3300. 780
  3301. 00:30:23,197 --> 00:30:25,403
  3302. And he made fun of us
  3303. in the same sentence.
  3304.  
  3305. 781
  3306. 00:30:27,300 --> 00:30:28,380
  3307. I think he did, I ain't sure.
  3308.  
  3309. 782
  3310. 00:30:28,380 --> 00:30:29,603
  3311. I'm poorly-educated.
  3312.  
  3313. 783
  3314. 00:30:31,080 --> 00:30:32,050
  3315. I got to be honest with you,
  3316.  
  3317. 784
  3318. 00:30:32,050 --> 00:30:34,190
  3319. I don't love the poorly-educated.
  3320.  
  3321. 785
  3322. 00:30:34,190 --> 00:30:35,097
  3323. They're dumb as shit.
  3324.  
  3325. 786
  3326. 00:30:35,097 --> 00:30:37,047
  3327. (audience laughing)
  3328.  
  3329. 787
  3330. 00:30:37,047 --> 00:30:38,930
  3331. (audience clapping)
  3332. (audience whooping)
  3333.  
  3334. 788
  3335. 00:30:38,930 --> 00:30:41,950
  3336. And they have never helped, not one time.
  3337.  
  3338. 789
  3339. 00:30:41,950 --> 00:30:45,130
  3340. Nothing cool was ever
  3341. invented by a dumbass.
  3342.  
  3343. 790
  3344. 00:30:45,130 --> 00:30:46,900
  3345. Never happen.
  3346.  
  3347. 791
  3348. 00:30:46,900 --> 00:30:48,530
  3349. They've never cured a disease.
  3350.  
  3351. 792
  3352. 00:30:48,530 --> 00:30:49,690
  3353. They didn't fix your car better.
  3354.  
  3355. 793
  3356. 00:30:49,690 --> 00:30:51,030
  3357. They didn't fix your phone.
  3358.  
  3359. 794
  3360. 00:30:51,030 --> 00:30:52,330
  3361. You know, when the poorly-educated
  3362.  
  3363. 795
  3364. 00:30:52,330 --> 00:30:54,030
  3365. do built something, it always falls over
  3366.  
  3367. 796
  3368. 00:30:54,030 --> 00:30:56,243
  3369. and crushes the meth lab, every time!
  3370.  
  3371. 797
  3372. 00:30:58,890 --> 00:31:01,230
  3373. The poorly-educated can suck my left nut,
  3374.  
  3375. 798
  3376. 00:31:01,230 --> 00:31:02,850
  3377. thank you very much.
  3378.  
  3379. 799
  3380. 00:31:02,850 --> 00:31:05,500
  3381. And, why can I talk smack
  3382. about the poorly-educated?
  3383.  
  3384. 800
  3385. 00:31:05,500 --> 00:31:08,119
  3386. Because I, ha ha, am one of them.
  3387.  
  3388. 801
  3389. 00:31:08,119 --> 00:31:09,224
  3390. (audience whooping)
  3391. (audience applauding)
  3392.  
  3393. 802
  3394. 00:31:09,224 --> 00:31:10,057
  3395. Yes!
  3396.  
  3397. 803
  3398. 00:31:12,840 --> 00:31:15,033
  3399. I am the poorly-educated Lizard King.
  3400.  
  3401. 804
  3402. 00:31:16,360 --> 00:31:18,220
  3403. I'm not making that up,
  3404. I'm not making that,
  3405.  
  3406. 805
  3407. 00:31:18,220 --> 00:31:19,640
  3408. I did not graduate high school.
  3409.  
  3410. 806
  3411. 00:31:19,640 --> 00:31:20,713
  3412. I was let go.
  3413.  
  3414. 807
  3415. 00:31:23,366 --> 00:31:25,990
  3416. I was laid off from my senior year.
  3417.  
  3418. 808
  3419. 00:31:25,990 --> 00:31:28,540
  3420. I showed up and they went,
  3421. we filled your position.
  3422.  
  3423. 809
  3424. 00:31:30,140 --> 00:31:31,210
  3425. Said, but I'm not done.
  3426.  
  3427. 810
  3428. 00:31:31,210 --> 00:31:32,223
  3429. Oh, yes, you are.
  3430.  
  3431. 811
  3432. 00:31:33,450 --> 00:31:34,440
  3433. And I'm not making that up.
  3434.  
  3435. 812
  3436. 00:31:34,440 --> 00:31:36,760
  3437. California public schools,
  3438. at that time, were so bad.
  3439.  
  3440. 813
  3441. 00:31:36,760 --> 00:31:38,610
  3442. It didn't matter what grade you got,
  3443.  
  3444. 814
  3445. 00:31:38,610 --> 00:31:40,520
  3446. they just kept herding
  3447. you through the system.
  3448.  
  3449. 815
  3450. 00:31:40,520 --> 00:31:41,600
  3451. They're like, moo-ve.
  3452.  
  3453. 816
  3454. 00:31:42,907 --> 00:31:43,740
  3455. Moo-ve!
  3456.  
  3457. 817
  3458. 00:31:44,870 --> 00:31:46,920
  3459. Couldn't spell move, but I was movin' on.
  3460.  
  3461. 818
  3462. 00:31:49,160 --> 00:31:50,173
  3463. I'm not making this up.
  3464.  
  3465. 819
  3466. 00:31:50,173 --> 00:31:51,770
  3467. And I'm not stupid, obviously,
  3468.  
  3469. 820
  3470. 00:31:51,770 --> 00:31:54,358
  3471. but I'm uneducated, you know?
  3472.  
  3473. 821
  3474. 00:31:54,358 --> 00:31:57,403
  3475. I was just smart enough to
  3476. know I was a raging idiot.
  3477.  
  3478. 822
  3479. 00:31:59,210 --> 00:32:00,090
  3480. I'm not making this up.
  3481.  
  3482. 823
  3483. 00:32:00,090 --> 00:32:02,600
  3484. My last report card of my 8th grade year,
  3485.  
  3486. 824
  3487. 00:32:02,600 --> 00:32:05,443
  3488. I got four Fs and a D,
  3489.  
  3490. 825
  3491. 00:32:06,316 --> 00:32:07,816
  3492. and I was like, D!
  3493.  
  3494. 826
  3495. 00:32:13,202 --> 00:32:14,035
  3496. And I went to my teachers,
  3497.  
  3498. 827
  3499. 00:32:14,035 --> 00:32:14,960
  3500. ah, I guess I'll be back next year.
  3501.  
  3502. 828
  3503. 00:32:14,960 --> 00:32:17,353
  3504. They went, no, no, no,
  3505. you're a ninth grader now.
  3506.  
  3507. 829
  3508. 00:32:19,936 --> 00:32:21,270
  3509. - Yeah!
  3510.  
  3511. 830
  3512. 00:32:21,270 --> 00:32:23,423
  3513. - Nine is the number after eight.
  3514.  
  3515. 831
  3516. 00:32:27,080 --> 00:32:28,310
  3517. So, I had to get smart after school
  3518.  
  3519. 832
  3520. 00:32:28,310 --> 00:32:30,370
  3521. because I wanted to be a comedian.
  3522.  
  3523. 833
  3524. 00:32:30,370 --> 00:32:33,040
  3525. And just to be clear, this is the only job
  3526.  
  3527. 834
  3528. 00:32:33,040 --> 00:32:34,743
  3529. I am qualified to do.
  3530.  
  3531. 835
  3532. 00:32:36,280 --> 00:32:39,193
  3533. And I've already pissed some
  3534. of you off doing it tonight.
  3535.  
  3536. 836
  3537. 00:32:41,080 --> 00:32:42,610
  3538. But as a comedian, you have to know
  3539.  
  3540. 837
  3541. 00:32:42,610 --> 00:32:43,660
  3542. what you're talkin about.
  3543.  
  3544. 838
  3545. 00:32:43,660 --> 00:32:44,890
  3546. You can't just make stuff up.
  3547.  
  3548. 839
  3549. 00:32:44,890 --> 00:32:46,080
  3550. You can't be like, Abe Lincoln
  3551.  
  3552. 840
  3553. 00:32:46,080 --> 00:32:48,232
  3554. was the best Cambodian
  3555. president we ever had.
  3556.  
  3557. 841
  3558. 00:32:48,232 --> 00:32:49,210
  3559. You know?
  3560.  
  3561. 842
  3562. 00:32:49,210 --> 00:32:51,080
  3563. 'Member the kimchi wars of 1312
  3564.  
  3565. 843
  3566. 00:32:51,080 --> 00:32:52,880
  3567. we signed the Declaration of Codependence?
  3568.  
  3569. 844
  3570. 00:32:52,880 --> 00:32:53,853
  3571. That was insane.
  3572.  
  3573. 845
  3574. 00:32:55,402 --> 00:32:57,392
  3575. You just look like a dumbass.
  3576.  
  3577. 846
  3578. 00:32:57,392 --> 00:32:59,190
  3579. So to be good at comedy,
  3580. so I was accurate,
  3581.  
  3582. 847
  3583. 00:32:59,190 --> 00:33:00,450
  3584. I started studying after school.
  3585.  
  3586. 848
  3587. 00:33:00,450 --> 00:33:03,180
  3588. I did, I went back and I studied history,
  3589.  
  3590. 849
  3591. 00:33:03,180 --> 00:33:05,435
  3592. and science, and math.
  3593.  
  3594. 850
  3595. 00:33:05,435 --> 00:33:07,635
  3596. I haven't written a
  3597. whole lot of math jokes.
  3598.  
  3599. 851
  3600. 00:33:10,235 --> 00:33:12,443
  3601. And when I did, the exponent was wrong.
  3602.  
  3603. 852
  3604. 00:33:14,850 --> 00:33:16,965
  3605. And that's the only math
  3606. joke I have ever written.
  3607.  
  3608. 853
  3609. 00:33:16,965 --> 00:33:19,662
  3610. (audience cheering)
  3611.  
  3612. 854
  3613. 00:33:19,662 --> 00:33:21,329
  3614. Thank you very much.
  3615.  
  3616. 855
  3617. 00:33:25,104 --> 00:33:27,203
  3618. And I don't understand it.
  3619.  
  3620. 856
  3621. 00:33:31,730 --> 00:33:33,930
  3622. So now, when I want to write
  3623. comedy about something,
  3624.  
  3625. 857
  3626. 00:33:33,930 --> 00:33:35,250
  3627. I have to study it really hard,
  3628.  
  3629. 858
  3630. 00:33:35,250 --> 00:33:37,620
  3631. and I've been studying the
  3632. alt-right for the while now,
  3633.  
  3634. 859
  3635. 00:33:37,620 --> 00:33:38,453
  3636. the alternate right.
  3637.  
  3638. 860
  3639. 00:33:38,453 --> 00:33:39,830
  3640. They said, Trump got
  3641. helped by the alt-right.
  3642.  
  3643. 861
  3644. 00:33:39,830 --> 00:33:41,220
  3645. The alternative right helped Trump.
  3646.  
  3647. 862
  3648. 00:33:41,220 --> 00:33:42,560
  3649. If you don't know what the alt-right is,
  3650.  
  3651. 863
  3652. 00:33:42,560 --> 00:33:43,900
  3653. best definition I can give you
  3654.  
  3655. 864
  3656. 00:33:43,900 --> 00:33:45,130
  3657. is it rhymes with all white.
  3658.  
  3659. 865
  3660. 00:33:45,130 --> 00:33:46,563
  3661. Let's leave it there.
  3662.  
  3663. 866
  3664. 00:33:47,480 --> 00:33:49,200
  3665. And thank God.
  3666.  
  3667. 867
  3668. 00:33:49,200 --> 00:33:51,300
  3669. Thank God somebody is finally standing up
  3670.  
  3671. 868
  3672. 00:33:51,300 --> 00:33:53,323
  3673. for the oppressed white man in America.
  3674.  
  3675. 869
  3676. 00:33:54,240 --> 00:33:55,720
  3677. We have had that boot heel of oppression
  3678.  
  3679. 870
  3680. 00:33:55,720 --> 00:33:58,000
  3681. on our necks for how long, gentlemen?
  3682.  
  3683. 871
  3684. 00:33:58,000 --> 00:33:59,650
  3685. My God, we haven't committed genocide
  3686.  
  3687. 872
  3688. 00:33:59,650 --> 00:34:01,440
  3689. on a brown people in a coon's age!
  3690.  
  3691. 873
  3692. 00:34:01,440 --> 00:34:02,307
  3693. Am I right?
  3694.  
  3695. 874
  3696. 00:34:02,307 --> 00:34:03,640
  3697. (audience laughing)
  3698.  
  3699. 875
  3700. 00:34:03,640 --> 00:34:06,890
  3701. (audience whooping)
  3702.  
  3703. 876
  3704. 00:34:06,890 --> 00:34:09,273
  3705. Let's a white guilt flow, whitey, come on.
  3706.  
  3707. 877
  3708. 00:34:11,180 --> 00:34:13,350
  3709. Yeah, amazing to me.
  3710.  
  3711. 878
  3712. 00:34:13,350 --> 00:34:15,190
  3713. 240 years of white presidents.
  3714.  
  3715. 879
  3716. 00:34:15,190 --> 00:34:17,983
  3717. We had a one black guy
  3718. and whitey had a stroke.
  3719.  
  3720. 880
  3721. 00:34:19,150 --> 00:34:20,547
  3722. 43 white guys, one black guy,
  3723.  
  3724. 881
  3725. 00:34:20,547 --> 00:34:22,320
  3726. and white people are
  3727. like, no more black guys,
  3728.  
  3729. 882
  3730. 00:34:22,320 --> 00:34:23,600
  3731. no more black guys, no, no, no.
  3732.  
  3733. 883
  3734. 00:34:23,600 --> 00:34:24,500
  3735. Why? Why?
  3736.  
  3737. 884
  3738. 00:34:24,500 --> 00:34:27,050
  3739. I'll tell you why, the NBA and golf.
  3740.  
  3741. 885
  3742. 00:34:27,050 --> 00:34:28,740
  3743. Right there, that's why, right there.
  3744.  
  3745. 886
  3746. 00:34:28,740 --> 00:34:30,440
  3747. And those sisters took over tennis,
  3748.  
  3749. 887
  3750. 00:34:30,440 --> 00:34:32,270
  3751. and North Korea's got ping pong.
  3752.  
  3753. 888
  3754. 00:34:32,270 --> 00:34:33,103
  3755. All we got left is white guys,
  3756.  
  3757. 889
  3758. 00:34:33,103 --> 00:34:34,300
  3759. and you throw that thing on the ice,
  3760.  
  3761. 890
  3762. 00:34:34,300 --> 00:34:35,246
  3763. and you sweep in front of it.
  3764.  
  3765. 891
  3766. 00:34:35,246 --> 00:34:36,079
  3767. That's all we got.
  3768.  
  3769. 892
  3770. 00:34:36,079 --> 00:34:37,128
  3771. That's all we got!
  3772.  
  3773. 893
  3774. 00:34:37,128 --> 00:34:38,545
  3775. Look like idiots.
  3776.  
  3777. 894
  3778. 00:34:39,527 --> 00:34:40,930
  3779. And a woman president?
  3780.  
  3781. 895
  3782. 00:34:40,930 --> 00:34:43,523
  3783. Are you out of your (blows raspberries).
  3784.  
  3785. 896
  3786. 00:34:43,523 --> 00:34:46,660
  3787. No, no, no, I don't care if
  3788. she most qualified we ever had.
  3789.  
  3790. 897
  3791. 00:34:46,660 --> 00:34:50,063
  3792. Emails, Benghazi, Bill
  3793. Clinton's deplorable penis, ah!
  3794.  
  3795. 898
  3796. 00:34:51,938 --> 00:34:54,938
  3797. (audience laughing)
  3798.  
  3799. 899
  3800. 00:34:57,490 --> 00:34:59,470
  3801. Yeah, we didn't want a
  3802. vagina in the White House
  3803.  
  3804. 900
  3805. 00:34:59,470 --> 00:35:02,346
  3806. so we voted for the
  3807. other side of the taint.
  3808.  
  3809. 901
  3810. 00:35:02,346 --> 00:35:03,952
  3811. (audience groaning)
  3812.  
  3813. 902
  3814. 00:35:03,952 --> 00:35:06,690
  3815. (audience chortling)
  3816. (audience applauding)
  3817.  
  3818. 903
  3819. 00:35:06,690 --> 00:35:07,523
  3820. Good joke.
  3821.  
  3822. 904
  3823. 00:35:08,513 --> 00:35:10,170
  3824. Good joke.
  3825.  
  3826. 905
  3827. 00:35:10,170 --> 00:35:11,003
  3828. Good joke.
  3829.  
  3830. 906
  3831. 00:35:12,219 --> 00:35:15,620
  3832. I know, even the Trump people
  3833. gotta be like, all right.
  3834.  
  3835. 907
  3836. 00:35:15,620 --> 00:35:18,310
  3837. That's a good joke,
  3838. that's a really good joke.
  3839.  
  3840. 908
  3841. 00:35:18,310 --> 00:35:21,473
  3842. Lemme tell you how good
  3843. that joke actually is.
  3844.  
  3845. 909
  3846. 00:35:22,560 --> 00:35:24,190
  3847. So, I got rid of my old
  3848. show, Born with a Defect.
  3849.  
  3850. 910
  3851. 00:35:24,190 --> 00:35:25,910
  3852. I wrote it and filmed
  3853. it, just got rid of it.
  3854.  
  3855. 911
  3856. 00:35:25,910 --> 00:35:26,743
  3857. And I always write new stuff
  3858.  
  3859. 912
  3860. 00:35:26,743 --> 00:35:27,900
  3861. 'cause I always want you guys to come back
  3862.  
  3863. 913
  3864. 00:35:27,900 --> 00:35:28,733
  3865. and see new material.
  3866.  
  3867. 914
  3868. 00:35:28,733 --> 00:35:29,610
  3869. You know, it's not fair to you guys,
  3870.  
  3871. 915
  3872. 00:35:29,610 --> 00:35:30,443
  3873. keep me repeating stuff.
  3874.  
  3875. 916
  3876. 00:35:30,443 --> 00:35:31,710
  3877. So, I wrote the new show,
  3878.  
  3879. 917
  3880. 00:35:31,710 --> 00:35:33,200
  3881. and I've been doing this so long
  3882.  
  3883. 918
  3884. 00:35:33,200 --> 00:35:35,660
  3885. I don't check where I go anymore.
  3886.  
  3887. 919
  3888. 00:35:35,660 --> 00:35:36,850
  3889. So, that Monday, I called my agent.
  3890.  
  3891. 920
  3892. 00:35:36,850 --> 00:35:37,710
  3893. I go, where am I going this weekend?
  3894.  
  3895. 921
  3896. 00:35:37,710 --> 00:35:38,703
  3897. He goes, Alabama.
  3898.  
  3899. 922
  3900. 00:35:39,838 --> 00:35:42,838
  3901. (audience laughing)
  3902.  
  3903. 923
  3904. 00:35:43,800 --> 00:35:44,633
  3905. No.
  3906.  
  3907. 924
  3908. 00:35:46,861 --> 00:35:48,580
  3909. I am not going to Alabama
  3910.  
  3911. 925
  3912. 00:35:49,770 --> 00:35:51,753
  3913. because Kevlar is expensive.
  3914.  
  3915. 926
  3916. 00:35:54,941 --> 00:35:55,774
  3917. But if you know me at all,
  3918.  
  3919. 927
  3920. 00:35:55,774 --> 00:35:57,850
  3921. you know damn well I'm going to Alabama.
  3922.  
  3923. 928
  3924. 00:35:57,850 --> 00:35:59,370
  3925. I figure if I get shot,
  3926.  
  3927. 929
  3928. 00:35:59,370 --> 00:36:00,327
  3929. I'll be super famous,
  3930.  
  3931. 930
  3932. 00:36:00,327 --> 00:36:02,463
  3933. and I could really use a bump right now.
  3934.  
  3935. 931
  3936. 00:36:04,660 --> 00:36:06,780
  3937. Yeah, I've been I've been thinking
  3938.  
  3939. 932
  3940. 00:36:06,780 --> 00:36:09,430
  3941. about sexually assaulted
  3942. somebody just for the press.
  3943.  
  3944. 933
  3945. 00:36:11,090 --> 00:36:12,790
  3946. Sign up sheet at the door, ladies.
  3947.  
  3948. 934
  3949. 00:36:14,040 --> 00:36:16,687
  3950. Or dudes, let's get weird,
  3951. whatever you wanna do.
  3952.  
  3953. 935
  3954. 00:36:21,078 --> 00:36:22,300
  3955. So, I go to Alabama.
  3956.  
  3957. 936
  3958. 00:36:22,300 --> 00:36:23,730
  3959. First night, I'm in Birmingham, Alabama,
  3960.  
  3961. 937
  3962. 00:36:23,730 --> 00:36:26,070
  3963. and the show was so raw at the time.
  3964.  
  3965. 938
  3966. 00:36:26,070 --> 00:36:29,540
  3967. I have 40 new pages, I'm
  3968. reading them off a stool.
  3969.  
  3970. 939
  3971. 00:36:29,540 --> 00:36:31,000
  3972. And I think that's what saved me,
  3973.  
  3974. 940
  3975. 00:36:31,000 --> 00:36:34,080
  3976. 'cause in Alabama, they couldn't
  3977. believe I could do that.
  3978.  
  3979. 941
  3980. 00:36:34,080 --> 00:36:37,380
  3981. (audience laughing)
  3982.  
  3983. 942
  3984. 00:36:37,380 --> 00:36:39,390
  3985. They were like, he looks at the paper
  3986.  
  3987. 943
  3988. 00:36:39,390 --> 00:36:40,950
  3989. and then says what it says.
  3990.  
  3991. 944
  3992. 00:36:40,950 --> 00:36:42,523
  3993. He's like a warlock.
  3994.  
  3995. 945
  3996. 00:36:46,741 --> 00:36:50,010
  3997. And I wish I was only being
  3998. half truthful about that joke.
  3999.  
  4000. 946
  4001. 00:36:50,010 --> 00:36:52,180
  4002. The second night, though, I
  4003. went to Huntsville, Alabama.
  4004.  
  4005. 947
  4006. 00:36:52,180 --> 00:36:53,330
  4007. Huntsville, Alabama is different
  4008.  
  4009. 948
  4010. 00:36:53,330 --> 00:36:55,290
  4011. because you don't wanna
  4012. just make fun of Alabama,
  4013.  
  4014. 949
  4015. 00:36:55,290 --> 00:36:56,620
  4016. 'cause it's got all the aerospace there,
  4017.  
  4018. 950
  4019. 00:36:56,620 --> 00:36:58,550
  4020. Lockheed is there, you know,
  4021.  
  4022. 951
  4023. 00:36:58,550 --> 00:37:00,660
  4024. and all this crazy
  4025. aerospace, NASA's there.
  4026.  
  4027. 952
  4028. 00:37:00,660 --> 00:37:02,280
  4029. So in Huntsville, Alabama
  4030.  
  4031. 953
  4032. 00:37:02,280 --> 00:37:06,410
  4033. it's rednecks and rocket scientists,
  4034.  
  4035. 954
  4036. 00:37:06,410 --> 00:37:08,943
  4037. and they been a-minglin' since the '60s.
  4038.  
  4039. 955
  4040. 00:37:10,130 --> 00:37:13,140
  4041. So you meet some weird ass
  4042. people in Huntsville, Alabama.
  4043.  
  4044. 956
  4045. 00:37:13,140 --> 00:37:15,790
  4046. Yeah, we figured out the
  4047. orbit of Alpha Centauri
  4048.  
  4049. 957
  4050. 00:37:15,790 --> 00:37:17,057
  4051. for the next 1,500 years
  4052.  
  4053. 958
  4054. 00:37:17,057 --> 00:37:20,123
  4055. and my mama makes a damn
  4056. good lizard cornbread.
  4057.  
  4058. 959
  4059. 00:37:25,925 --> 00:37:26,758
  4060. So, I go to Huntsville.
  4061.  
  4062. 960
  4063. 00:37:26,758 --> 00:37:28,140
  4064. It's a brand new club.
  4065.  
  4066. 961
  4067. 00:37:28,140 --> 00:37:29,490
  4068. I'm the opening, grand opening
  4069.  
  4070. 962
  4071. 00:37:29,490 --> 00:37:31,520
  4072. because they know Titus is
  4073. gonna tell goofy stories
  4074.  
  4075. 963
  4076. 00:37:31,520 --> 00:37:34,720
  4077. about his dad. (chuckling)
  4078.  
  4079. 964
  4080. 00:37:34,720 --> 00:37:36,123
  4081. And I'm doing this show.
  4082.  
  4083. 965
  4084. 00:37:37,400 --> 00:37:38,310
  4085. And it was going well.
  4086.  
  4087. 966
  4088. 00:37:38,310 --> 00:37:39,144
  4089. There's some smart people in the audience.
  4090.  
  4091. 967
  4092. 00:37:39,144 --> 00:37:40,380
  4093. Everybody's cool, you know?
  4094.  
  4095. 968
  4096. 00:37:40,380 --> 00:37:41,213
  4097. They were laughing, a lot of 'em.
  4098.  
  4099. 969
  4100. 00:37:41,213 --> 00:37:43,293
  4101. There was like nine people
  4102. that really enjoyed it.
  4103.  
  4104. 970
  4105. 00:37:45,135 --> 00:37:46,660
  4106. And there was a table right over here
  4107.  
  4108. 971
  4109. 00:37:46,660 --> 00:37:48,800
  4110. of eight people and these people looked
  4111.  
  4112. 972
  4113. 00:37:49,670 --> 00:37:51,693
  4114. like they had swamp-boated in.
  4115.  
  4116. 973
  4117. 00:37:53,607 --> 00:37:54,650
  4118. I am not kidding.
  4119.  
  4120. 974
  4121. 00:37:54,650 --> 00:37:57,873
  4122. Everything you think Alabama
  4123. is was sitting at that table.
  4124.  
  4125. 975
  4126. 00:37:59,040 --> 00:38:00,720
  4127. One guy had a beard this long,
  4128.  
  4129. 976
  4130. 00:38:00,720 --> 00:38:03,190
  4131. looked like Uncle Jesse
  4132. from Dukes of Hazzard.
  4133.  
  4134. 977
  4135. 00:38:03,190 --> 00:38:06,670
  4136. I keep calling him Duck
  4137. Dynasty the whole show.
  4138.  
  4139. 978
  4140. 00:38:06,670 --> 00:38:08,220
  4141. Audience laughs, he doesn't laugh
  4142.  
  4143. 979
  4144. 00:38:08,220 --> 00:38:09,970
  4145. 'cause he thinks it's a compliment.
  4146.  
  4147. 980
  4148. 00:38:13,810 --> 00:38:15,930
  4149. But the man next to
  4150. him is this giant Bubba
  4151.  
  4152. 981
  4153. 00:38:15,930 --> 00:38:17,330
  4154. wearing a red white and blue jersey
  4155.  
  4156. 982
  4157. 00:38:17,330 --> 00:38:20,647
  4158. that says 45 and Trump
  4159. across the shoulder.
  4160.  
  4161. 983
  4162. 00:38:20,647 --> 00:38:21,560
  4163. (audience groans in dismay)
  4164.  
  4165. 984
  4166. 00:38:21,560 --> 00:38:22,760
  4167. And I'm doing this show.
  4168.  
  4169. 985
  4170. 00:38:24,660 --> 00:38:26,803
  4171. Both guys are watching the show like this.
  4172.  
  4173. 986
  4174. 00:38:29,730 --> 00:38:31,157
  4175. I get to that joke.
  4176.  
  4177. 987
  4178. 00:38:31,157 --> 00:38:32,930
  4179. Ah, didn't want a vagina
  4180. in the White House
  4181.  
  4182. 988
  4183. 00:38:32,930 --> 00:38:34,780
  4184. so we voted for the
  4185. other side of the taint.
  4186.  
  4187. 989
  4188. 00:38:34,780 --> 00:38:36,640
  4189. And the guy with the beard goes...
  4190.  
  4191. 990
  4192. 00:38:40,170 --> 00:38:41,531
  4193. All right, goddammit, that's pretty funny.
  4194.  
  4195. 991
  4196. 00:38:41,531 --> 00:38:43,013
  4197. All right, (mumbles).
  4198.  
  4199. 992
  4200. 00:38:43,013 --> 00:38:46,494
  4201. And I was like, comedy
  4202. can heal the nation, yes!
  4203.  
  4204. 993
  4205. 00:38:46,494 --> 00:38:48,472
  4206. (audience applauding)
  4207. (audience cheering)
  4208.  
  4209. 994
  4210. 00:38:48,472 --> 00:38:49,305
  4211. Yes!
  4212.  
  4213. 995
  4214. 00:38:51,480 --> 00:38:53,533
  4215. Punchlines will bring us together.
  4216.  
  4217. 996
  4218. 00:38:54,840 --> 00:38:57,573
  4219. We will bridge the chasm with sarcasm.
  4220.  
  4221. 997
  4222. 00:39:00,200 --> 00:39:01,820
  4223. So, let's talk about the
  4224. alt-right for a second.
  4225.  
  4226. 998
  4227. 00:39:01,820 --> 00:39:03,650
  4228. The alt-right is a group of white guys
  4229.  
  4230. 999
  4231. 00:39:03,650 --> 00:39:05,010
  4232. that believe America should be
  4233.  
  4234. 1000
  4235. 00:39:05,010 --> 00:39:07,590
  4236. a all-white country
  4237. like it always has been
  4238.  
  4239. 1001
  4240. 00:39:07,590 --> 00:39:09,993
  4241. because they don't read a lot.
  4242.  
  4243. 1002
  4244. 00:39:12,900 --> 00:39:14,380
  4245. They don't like immigration, brown people,
  4246.  
  4247. 1003
  4248. 00:39:14,380 --> 00:39:15,270
  4249. black people, and Jews.
  4250.  
  4251. 1004
  4252. 00:39:15,270 --> 00:39:18,580
  4253. Oh, oh, oh, oh, and they
  4254. hate political correctness.
  4255.  
  4256. 1005
  4257. 00:39:18,580 --> 00:39:20,243
  4258. They wanna keep it ra-zeal.
  4259.  
  4260. 1006
  4261. 00:39:22,360 --> 00:39:23,193
  4262. Really?
  4263.  
  4264. 1007
  4265. 00:39:24,350 --> 00:39:25,670
  4266. You hate political correctness,
  4267.  
  4268. 1008
  4269. 00:39:25,670 --> 00:39:27,440
  4270. and why would you call
  4271. yourself the alternative right?
  4272.  
  4273. 1009
  4274. 00:39:27,440 --> 00:39:30,090
  4275. You sound like a shitty
  4276. Miley Cyrus metal cover band.
  4277.  
  4278. 1010
  4279. 00:39:32,390 --> 00:39:34,693
  4280. We're the alt-right and
  4281. we're gonna rock you.
  4282.  
  4283. 1011
  4284. 00:39:36,696 --> 00:39:38,700
  4285. Because if you don't like immigration,
  4286.  
  4287. 1012
  4288. 00:39:38,700 --> 00:39:40,300
  4289. brown people, black people, and Jews,
  4290.  
  4291. 1013
  4292. 00:39:40,300 --> 00:39:43,313
  4293. the non-political-correct term is Nazi.
  4294.  
  4295. 1014
  4296. 00:39:45,820 --> 00:39:46,991
  4297. You're a Nazi.
  4298.  
  4299. 1015
  4300. 00:39:46,991 --> 00:39:48,441
  4301. And, and, hey.
  4302.  
  4303. 1016
  4304. 00:39:48,441 --> 00:39:49,740
  4305. I'm not calling you a Nazi.
  4306.  
  4307. 1017
  4308. 00:39:49,740 --> 00:39:52,390
  4309. Let's just go to the chart
  4310. 'cause it matches exactly.
  4311.  
  4312. 1018
  4313. 00:39:53,260 --> 00:39:55,910
  4314. In fact, if you didn't know
  4315. that's what a Nazi was,
  4316.  
  4317. 1019
  4318. 00:39:55,910 --> 00:39:57,650
  4319. you guys are like Nazi-stradamus.
  4320.  
  4321. 1020
  4322. 00:39:57,650 --> 00:39:58,963
  4323. That's amazing to me.
  4324.  
  4325. 1021
  4326. 00:40:00,610 --> 00:40:02,880
  4327. And why would you spend
  4328. all that money and time
  4329.  
  4330. 1022
  4331. 00:40:02,880 --> 00:40:04,960
  4332. marketing a new name when
  4333. you already got a logo
  4334.  
  4335. 1023
  4336. 00:40:04,960 --> 00:40:06,253
  4337. that everybody knows?
  4338.  
  4339. 1024
  4340. 00:40:09,202 --> 00:40:10,780
  4341. And that real cool high five?
  4342.  
  4343. 1025
  4344. 00:40:10,780 --> 00:40:11,882
  4345. Come on, man.
  4346.  
  4347. 1026
  4348. 00:40:11,882 --> 00:40:15,049
  4349. (audience applauding)
  4350.  
  4351. 1027
  4352. 00:40:16,310 --> 00:40:17,143
  4353. I love it.
  4354.  
  4355. 1028
  4356. 00:40:18,680 --> 00:40:19,610
  4357. The alternative right,
  4358.  
  4359. 1029
  4360. 00:40:19,610 --> 00:40:22,023
  4361. we don't call serial
  4362. killers cadaver creators.
  4363.  
  4364. 1030
  4365. 00:40:24,490 --> 00:40:27,303
  4366. You guys don't buy your drugs
  4367. from a street CEO, do you?
  4368.  
  4369. 1031
  4370. 00:40:28,660 --> 00:40:30,860
  4371. Yes, I scored my meth
  4372. today from the president
  4373.  
  4374. 1032
  4375. 00:40:30,860 --> 00:40:33,510
  4376. of the company and his office
  4377. is behind the Dumpster.
  4378.  
  4379. 1033
  4380. 00:40:34,831 --> 00:40:36,281
  4381. I believe they're remodeling.
  4382.  
  4383. 1034
  4384. 00:40:37,900 --> 00:40:40,720
  4385. If you're a Nazi, just say you're a Nazi,
  4386.  
  4387. 1035
  4388. 00:40:40,720 --> 00:40:42,003
  4389. you fuckin' Nazi.
  4390.  
  4391. 1036
  4392. 00:40:44,842 --> 00:40:46,010
  4393. I can't believe they're coming back, man.
  4394.  
  4395. 1037
  4396. 00:40:46,010 --> 00:40:47,110
  4397. That Charlottesville thing,
  4398.  
  4399. 1038
  4400. 00:40:47,110 --> 00:40:50,810
  4401. that was a ragtag ass group
  4402. of Nazis, was that not?
  4403.  
  4404. 1039
  4405. 00:40:50,810 --> 00:40:52,603
  4406. That was not the varsity.
  4407.  
  4408. 1040
  4409. 00:40:54,370 --> 00:40:58,193
  4410. I have never been
  4411. offended for Nazis before.
  4412.  
  4413. 1041
  4414. 00:41:00,160 --> 00:41:01,993
  4415. Those guys needed a seminar, man.
  4416.  
  4417. 1042
  4418. 00:41:02,830 --> 00:41:06,480
  4419. They need like a Tony Robbins
  4420. Nazi to help their ass out.
  4421.  
  4422. 1043
  4423. 00:41:06,480 --> 00:41:09,103
  4424. I would like to welcome
  4425. everyone to the seminar!
  4426.  
  4427. 1044
  4428. 00:41:14,227 --> 00:41:15,730
  4429. I would like to point
  4430. some of you were late.
  4431.  
  4432. 1045
  4433. 00:41:15,730 --> 00:41:17,020
  4434. Nazis aren't late!
  4435.  
  4436. 1046
  4437. 00:41:21,378 --> 00:41:24,380
  4438. Now, I have a couple of
  4439. announcements before we get started.
  4440.  
  4441. 1047
  4442. 00:41:24,380 --> 00:41:27,919
  4443. At the break we will be having juice.
  4444.  
  4445. 1048
  4446. 00:41:27,919 --> 00:41:30,919
  4447. (audience laughing)
  4448.  
  4449. 1049
  4450. 00:41:31,818 --> 00:41:34,100
  4451. (audience applauding)
  4452.  
  4453. 1050
  4454. 00:41:34,100 --> 00:41:35,150
  4455. You don't like juice?
  4456.  
  4457. 1051
  4458. 00:41:37,190 --> 00:41:38,833
  4459. I love fresh-squeezed juice.
  4460.  
  4461. 1052
  4462. 00:41:45,320 --> 00:41:47,330
  4463. So Nazis, let's talk about the details.
  4464.  
  4465. 1053
  4466. 00:41:47,330 --> 00:41:50,930
  4467. I saw the Charlottesville
  4468. video, and all I have to say
  4469.  
  4470. 1054
  4471. 00:41:50,930 --> 00:41:51,830
  4472. is (rapid tsking).
  4473.  
  4474. 1055
  4475. 00:41:56,020 --> 00:41:57,253
  4476. Details.
  4477.  
  4478. 1056
  4479. 00:41:58,180 --> 00:42:01,163
  4480. Nazis do not wear Lynyrd
  4481. Skynyrd tee-shirts.
  4482.  
  4483. 1057
  4484. 00:42:02,860 --> 00:42:04,750
  4485. We hate the Lynyrd Skynyrd.
  4486.  
  4487. 1058
  4488. 00:42:05,830 --> 00:42:07,229
  4489. We like the Eagles.
  4490.  
  4491. 1059
  4492. 00:42:07,229 --> 00:42:08,999
  4493. (audience laughing)
  4494.  
  4495. 1060
  4496. 00:42:08,999 --> 00:42:11,719
  4497. (audience applauding)
  4498.  
  4499. 1061
  4500. 00:42:11,719 --> 00:42:12,552
  4501. Yes.
  4502.  
  4503. 1062
  4504. 00:42:14,740 --> 00:42:16,873
  4505. It's on all the logos.
  4506.  
  4507. 1063
  4508. 00:42:18,890 --> 00:42:19,950
  4509. Some other details:
  4510.  
  4511. 1064
  4512. 00:42:19,950 --> 00:42:21,550
  4513. I saw the flags you were flying.
  4514.  
  4515. 1065
  4516. 00:42:21,550 --> 00:42:23,793
  4517. Yes, yes I saw the flags you were flying,
  4518.  
  4519. 1066
  4520. 00:42:24,778 --> 00:42:26,466
  4521. the Confederate flag,
  4522.  
  4523. 1067
  4524. 00:42:26,466 --> 00:42:29,090
  4525. (speaks in foreign
  4526. language) the Nazi flag.
  4527.  
  4528. 1068
  4529. 00:42:29,090 --> 00:42:30,870
  4530. Which, by the way, don't tell anyone,
  4531.  
  4532. 1069
  4533. 00:42:30,870 --> 00:42:33,470
  4534. were two of the biggest
  4535. historic losers of all time.
  4536.  
  4537. 1070
  4538. 00:42:35,138 --> 00:42:35,971
  4539. Sh.
  4540.  
  4541. 1071
  4542. 00:42:38,378 --> 00:42:40,830
  4543. But I noticed as you were flying the flag,
  4544.  
  4545. 1072
  4546. 00:42:40,830 --> 00:42:41,894
  4547. they were all wrinkled
  4548.  
  4549. 1073
  4550. 00:42:41,894 --> 00:42:43,393
  4551. (speaks in foreign language) crinkled.
  4552.  
  4553. 1074
  4554. 00:42:45,840 --> 00:42:46,673
  4555. Details.
  4556.  
  4557. 1075
  4558. 00:42:46,673 --> 00:42:50,143
  4559. Nazis, if you're going to hate, steam.
  4560.  
  4561. 1076
  4562. 00:42:50,143 --> 00:42:53,143
  4563. (audience laughing)
  4564.  
  4565. 1077
  4566. 00:42:55,343 --> 00:42:58,510
  4567. (audience applauding)
  4568.  
  4569. 1078
  4570. 00:42:59,413 --> 00:43:03,573
  4571. That is my favorite joke of the new show.
  4572.  
  4573. 1079
  4574. 00:43:03,573 --> 00:43:06,573
  4575. (audience cheering)
  4576.  
  4577. 1080
  4578. 00:43:07,422 --> 00:43:08,339
  4579. And well...
  4580.  
  4581. 1081
  4582. 00:43:10,542 --> 00:43:11,480
  4583. There's a lot of reasons
  4584. why they say Trump won.
  4585.  
  4586. 1082
  4587. 00:43:11,480 --> 00:43:13,013
  4588. It's not because he's the best guy.
  4589.  
  4590. 1083
  4591. 00:43:13,013 --> 00:43:13,846
  4592. There's a lot of reasons.
  4593.  
  4594. 1084
  4595. 00:43:13,846 --> 00:43:15,180
  4596. They said, oh, he won because
  4597. Obamacare was too bad.
  4598.  
  4599. 1085
  4600. 00:43:15,180 --> 00:43:17,210
  4601. I disagree, I think it's
  4602. 'cause Obamacare was too good.
  4603.  
  4604. 1086
  4605. 00:43:17,210 --> 00:43:18,043
  4606. I'm not making this up.
  4607.  
  4608. 1087
  4609. 00:43:18,043 --> 00:43:19,343
  4610. The top 10 states that voted for Trump
  4611.  
  4612. 1088
  4613. 00:43:19,343 --> 00:43:20,840
  4614. are also the top 10 states
  4615.  
  4616. 1089
  4617. 00:43:20,840 --> 00:43:23,860
  4618. with the highest
  4619. prescription opioid abuse,
  4620.  
  4621. 1090
  4622. 00:43:23,860 --> 00:43:26,453
  4623. so Obamacare was working its ass off.
  4624.  
  4625. 1091
  4626. 00:43:27,600 --> 00:43:30,743
  4627. People had all their drugs
  4628. in Costco quantities.
  4629.  
  4630. 1092
  4631. 00:43:32,060 --> 00:43:34,250
  4632. And here's what bothers me about that:
  4633.  
  4634. 1093
  4635. 00:43:34,250 --> 00:43:36,140
  4636. you get busted for driving high
  4637.  
  4638. 1094
  4639. 00:43:36,140 --> 00:43:38,423
  4640. but you can vote high whenever you want>
  4641.  
  4642. 1095
  4643. 00:43:39,290 --> 00:43:40,850
  4644. That's where we need
  4645. some damn checkpoints,
  4646.  
  4647. 1096
  4648. 00:43:40,850 --> 00:43:41,850
  4649. at the voting booth.
  4650.  
  4651. 1097
  4652. 00:43:42,950 --> 00:43:44,140
  4653. Have just troopers lined up,
  4654.  
  4655. 1098
  4656. 00:43:44,140 --> 00:43:44,973
  4657. the wrong guy comes in.
  4658.  
  4659. 1099
  4660. 00:43:44,973 --> 00:43:48,180
  4661. Woo, I'm here to vote for my man, Don T.
  4662.  
  4663. 1100
  4664. 00:43:48,180 --> 00:43:50,850
  4665. Sir, can you step out of line, please sir?
  4666.  
  4667. 1101
  4668. 00:43:50,850 --> 00:43:52,090
  4669. Yes sir, step over here, sir.
  4670.  
  4671. 1102
  4672. 00:43:52,090 --> 00:43:54,563
  4673. I'm gonna give you a voter
  4674. sobriety test right now.
  4675.  
  4676. 1103
  4677. 00:43:55,710 --> 00:43:57,513
  4678. No, sir, there's no spelling, relax.
  4679.  
  4680. 1104
  4681. 00:44:00,898 --> 00:44:02,890
  4682. (audience whooping)
  4683.  
  4684. 1105
  4685. 00:44:02,890 --> 00:44:04,570
  4686. Sir, I'm gonna ask you a couple question
  4687.  
  4688. 1106
  4689. 00:44:04,570 --> 00:44:05,410
  4690. and based on your answers,
  4691.  
  4692. 1107
  4693. 00:44:05,410 --> 00:44:06,810
  4694. we're gonna determine
  4695. whether you're capable
  4696.  
  4697. 1108
  4698. 00:44:06,810 --> 00:44:08,100
  4699. of voting in an American election.
  4700.  
  4701. 1109
  4702. 00:44:08,100 --> 00:44:09,100
  4703. Are you ready?
  4704.  
  4705. 1110
  4706. 00:44:09,100 --> 00:44:10,500
  4707. Sir, do you think 9/11 was a hoax?
  4708.  
  4709. 1111
  4710. 00:44:10,500 --> 00:44:13,280
  4711. Hell, yeah and then chem
  4712. trails killed my dog.
  4713.  
  4714. 1112
  4715. 00:44:13,280 --> 00:44:14,570
  4716. Get on the floor, right now!
  4717.  
  4718. 1113
  4719. 00:44:14,570 --> 00:44:16,012
  4720. Get on the floor!
  4721.  
  4722. 1114
  4723. 00:44:16,012 --> 00:44:17,412
  4724. Get on the floor!
  4725.  
  4726. 1115
  4727. 00:44:17,412 --> 00:44:19,212
  4728. Back away from the booth, right now!
  4729.  
  4730. 1116
  4731. 00:44:21,241 --> 00:44:22,074
  4732. Yeah.
  4733.  
  4734. 1117
  4735. 00:44:23,480 --> 00:44:24,880
  4736. Yeah, I got one.
  4737.  
  4738. 1118
  4739. 00:44:25,810 --> 00:44:26,643
  4740. Can I tase him?
  4741.  
  4742. 1119
  4743. 00:44:28,258 --> 00:44:31,327
  4744. (imitates electric buzzing)
  4745. Sorry, I tased him.
  4746.  
  4747. 1120
  4748. 00:44:31,327 --> 00:44:34,015
  4749. No, no, no, we're good,
  4750. my body camera was off.
  4751.  
  4752. 1121
  4753. 00:44:34,015 --> 00:44:35,807
  4754. (audience laughing)
  4755.  
  4756. 1122
  4757. 00:44:35,807 --> 00:44:38,905
  4758. (audience applauding)
  4759. (audience whooping)
  4760.  
  4761. 1123
  4762. 00:44:38,905 --> 00:44:39,738
  4763. Yeah?
  4764.  
  4765. 1124
  4766. 00:44:41,510 --> 00:44:44,020
  4767. So, here's what I think
  4768. happened in those states.
  4769.  
  4770. 1125
  4771. 00:44:44,020 --> 00:44:45,650
  4772. Pico woke up the day after the election,
  4773.  
  4774. 1126
  4775. 00:44:45,650 --> 00:44:48,280
  4776. like damn, baby, what
  4777. did we do last night?
  4778.  
  4779. 1127
  4780. 00:44:49,363 --> 00:44:51,130
  4781. Why I can barely feel my right leg.
  4782.  
  4783. 1128
  4784. 00:44:51,130 --> 00:44:51,963
  4785. That was a good night.
  4786.  
  4787. 1129
  4788. 00:44:51,963 --> 00:44:52,796
  4789. I don't remember nothing.
  4790.  
  4791. 1130
  4792. 00:44:52,796 --> 00:44:53,629
  4793. You remember anything?
  4794.  
  4795. 1131
  4796. 00:44:53,629 --> 00:44:54,933
  4797. Whoo, ha ha.
  4798.  
  4799. 1132
  4800. 00:44:57,650 --> 00:45:02,473
  4801. Baby, I got a sticker on
  4802. my forehead says I voted.
  4803.  
  4804. 1133
  4805. 00:45:05,360 --> 00:45:06,510
  4806. Quick, let's see what happened.
  4807.  
  4808. 1134
  4809. 00:45:06,510 --> 00:45:08,092
  4810. Turn on the learnin' box.
  4811.  
  4812. 1135
  4813. 00:45:08,092 --> 00:45:11,175
  4814. (audience laughing)
  4815.  
  4816. 1136
  4817. 00:45:17,921 --> 00:45:19,000
  4818. And the news was crazy.
  4819.  
  4820. 1137
  4821. 00:45:19,000 --> 00:45:20,233
  4822. The news says things this last election,
  4823.  
  4824. 1138
  4825. 00:45:20,233 --> 00:45:21,066
  4826. I didn't get it.
  4827.  
  4828. 1139
  4829. 00:45:21,066 --> 00:45:22,630
  4830. They kept saying things like,
  4831.  
  4832. 1140
  4833. 00:45:22,630 --> 00:45:25,000
  4834. the disenfranchised white
  4835. male worker's voting big,
  4836.  
  4837. 1141
  4838. 00:45:25,000 --> 00:45:25,850
  4839. big for Trump.
  4840.  
  4841. 1142
  4842. 00:45:25,850 --> 00:45:26,920
  4843. The disenfranchised white male
  4844.  
  4845. 1143
  4846. 00:45:26,920 --> 00:45:28,117
  4847. from the rust belt states just loves Trump
  4848.  
  4849. 1144
  4850. 00:45:28,117 --> 00:45:29,200
  4851. and is voting big.
  4852.  
  4853. 1145
  4854. 00:45:29,200 --> 00:45:30,530
  4855. The disenfranchised white male.
  4856.  
  4857. 1146
  4858. 00:45:30,530 --> 00:45:32,960
  4859. How come when I black guy
  4860. doesn't have a job, he's lazy,
  4861.  
  4862. 1147
  4863. 00:45:32,960 --> 00:45:34,190
  4864. but when I white guy doesn't have a job,
  4865.  
  4866. 1148
  4867. 00:45:34,190 --> 00:45:35,683
  4868. he's disenfranchised?
  4869.  
  4870. 1149
  4871. 00:45:37,040 --> 00:45:39,040
  4872. No, I'm not unemployed.
  4873.  
  4874. 1150
  4875. 00:45:39,040 --> 00:45:42,723
  4876. I'm disenfranchised and this
  4877. is an amazing Chardonnay.
  4878.  
  4879. 1151
  4880. 00:45:46,200 --> 00:45:47,320
  4881. Black people, I have to be honest,
  4882.  
  4883. 1152
  4884. 00:45:47,320 --> 00:45:48,290
  4885. it's the only time in my life,
  4886.  
  4887. 1153
  4888. 00:45:48,290 --> 00:45:49,730
  4889. it's the one reason I'm happy I'm white.
  4890.  
  4891. 1154
  4892. 00:45:49,730 --> 00:45:51,440
  4893. That's my word, I use it all the time.
  4894.  
  4895. 1155
  4896. 00:45:51,440 --> 00:45:53,900
  4897. No, no, no my ex-wife did not cheat on me,
  4898.  
  4899. 1156
  4900. 00:45:53,900 --> 00:45:56,702
  4901. she disenfranchised me
  4902. with two other gentlemen.
  4903.  
  4904. 1157
  4905. 00:45:56,702 --> 00:45:57,835
  4906. (audience laughing)
  4907.  
  4908. 1158
  4909. 00:45:57,835 --> 00:45:58,668
  4910. (audience applauding)
  4911.  
  4912. 1159
  4913. 00:45:58,668 --> 00:46:03,130
  4914. Yes, and then, her lawyer disenfranchised
  4915.  
  4916. 1160
  4917. 00:46:03,130 --> 00:46:04,883
  4918. the shit out of my bank account.
  4919.  
  4920. 1161
  4921. 00:46:06,840 --> 00:46:07,870
  4922. It was a bad year.
  4923.  
  4924. 1162
  4925. 00:46:07,870 --> 00:46:10,713
  4926. I was bent over a table and
  4927. repeatedly disenfranchised.
  4928.  
  4929. 1163
  4930. 00:46:15,040 --> 00:46:17,008
  4931. (audience whooping)
  4932.  
  4933. 1164
  4934. 00:46:17,008 --> 00:46:19,810
  4935. Such a bullshit word, man.
  4936.  
  4937. 1165
  4938. 00:46:19,810 --> 00:46:21,873
  4939. It sounds like the Taco Bell
  4940. near you got closed down,
  4941.  
  4942. 1166
  4943. 00:46:21,873 --> 00:46:23,060
  4944. doesn't it?
  4945.  
  4946. 1167
  4947. 00:46:23,060 --> 00:46:25,783
  4948. No more Gorditas, guys,
  4949. we've been disenfranchised.
  4950.  
  4951. 1168
  4952. 00:46:28,800 --> 00:46:30,210
  4953. But there's a grain of truth in it,
  4954.  
  4955. 1169
  4956. 00:46:30,210 --> 00:46:31,740
  4957. there's a grain of truth
  4958. in that reason, man.
  4959.  
  4960. 1170
  4961. 00:46:31,740 --> 00:46:32,670
  4962. You know why, 'cause in America
  4963.  
  4964. 1171
  4965. 00:46:32,670 --> 00:46:33,840
  4966. we are taught from the second we're born
  4967.  
  4968. 1172
  4969. 00:46:33,840 --> 00:46:35,890
  4970. you can be or do anything in America.
  4971.  
  4972. 1173
  4973. 00:46:35,890 --> 00:46:37,260
  4974. The American dream, right?
  4975.  
  4976. 1174
  4977. 00:46:37,260 --> 00:46:39,170
  4978. The land of opportunity, you can be in it.
  4979.  
  4980. 1175
  4981. 00:46:39,170 --> 00:46:41,210
  4982. If you start with zero,
  4983. you could be a millionaire.
  4984.  
  4985. 1176
  4986. 00:46:41,210 --> 00:46:43,090
  4987. In America, you can be anything.
  4988.  
  4989. 1177
  4990. 00:46:43,090 --> 00:46:44,190
  4991. And after you hear that your whole life,
  4992.  
  4993. 1178
  4994. 00:46:44,190 --> 00:46:46,480
  4995. you find yourself 40, 50 years
  4996. old, you haven't made it.
  4997.  
  4998. 1179
  4999. 00:46:46,480 --> 00:46:47,530
  5000. You're pissed.
  5001.  
  5002. 1180
  5003. 00:46:47,530 --> 00:46:49,793
  5004. I was there when I was 18, frankly.
  5005.  
  5006. 1181
  5007. 00:46:51,130 --> 00:46:52,480
  5008. No, because we had this kid in our school,
  5009.  
  5010. 1182
  5011. 00:46:52,480 --> 00:46:53,750
  5012. Rod Kana-maka-pua.
  5013.  
  5014. 1183
  5015. 00:46:53,750 --> 00:46:56,060
  5016. Yeah, he was Hawaiian,
  5017. so he was a brown them.
  5018.  
  5019. 1184
  5020. 00:46:56,060 --> 00:46:56,893
  5021. Ho-ho.
  5022.  
  5023. 1185
  5024. 00:46:58,398 --> 00:46:59,980
  5025. And then I found out Hawaii was a state,
  5026.  
  5027. 1186
  5028. 00:46:59,980 --> 00:47:00,830
  5029. so I let that go.
  5030.  
  5031. 1187
  5032. 00:47:04,830 --> 00:47:06,220
  5033. But Rod was our valedictorian.
  5034.  
  5035. 1188
  5036. 00:47:06,220 --> 00:47:09,150
  5037. Straight A student,
  5038. lettered in four sports.
  5039.  
  5040. 1189
  5041. 00:47:09,150 --> 00:47:11,640
  5042. On top of that, he was a nice guy.
  5043.  
  5044. 1190
  5045. 00:47:11,640 --> 00:47:12,945
  5046. Fuck him.
  5047.  
  5048. 1191
  5049. 00:47:12,945 --> 00:47:17,945
  5050. (audience laughing)
  5051. (audience applauding)
  5052.  
  5053. 1192
  5054. 00:47:19,140 --> 00:47:21,160
  5055. We all know that, yet I was
  5056. mad at him for a long time,
  5057.  
  5058. 1193
  5059. 00:47:21,160 --> 00:47:22,710
  5060. 'cause he went to MIT,
  5061. full-ride scholarship,
  5062.  
  5063. 1194
  5064. 00:47:22,710 --> 00:47:24,060
  5065. started a company, made a bunch of money.
  5066.  
  5067. 1195
  5068. 00:47:24,060 --> 00:47:26,040
  5069. And I remember being mad
  5070. for a long time at this guy,
  5071.  
  5072. 1196
  5073. 00:47:26,040 --> 00:47:27,500
  5074. and then one day, I woke up to the fact
  5075.  
  5076. 1197
  5077. 00:47:27,500 --> 00:47:29,770
  5078. I can't be mad at somebody
  5079. who went to class,
  5080.  
  5081. 1198
  5082. 00:47:29,770 --> 00:47:31,090
  5083. got a degree and started a company
  5084.  
  5085. 1199
  5086. 00:47:31,090 --> 00:47:34,033
  5087. while I bought four jet
  5088. skis at 21% interest.
  5089.  
  5090. 1200
  5091. 00:47:37,082 --> 00:47:38,880
  5092. I could have gone to a
  5093. community college, you know,
  5094.  
  5095. 1201
  5096. 00:47:38,880 --> 00:47:40,420
  5097. but instead I moved to a rural area
  5098.  
  5099. 1202
  5100. 00:47:40,420 --> 00:47:41,253
  5101. where things were cheaper,
  5102.  
  5103. 1203
  5104. 00:47:41,253 --> 00:47:42,280
  5105. and there's a lot of people like me.
  5106.  
  5107. 1204
  5108. 00:47:42,280 --> 00:47:43,933
  5109. You know, pasty, furry, angry,
  5110.  
  5111. 1205
  5112. 00:47:45,170 --> 00:47:47,923
  5113. smelling of Pabst Blue Ribbon
  5114. and misspelled tattoos.
  5115.  
  5116. 1206
  5117. 00:47:49,220 --> 00:47:50,830
  5118. And we'd sit around
  5119. after the game on Sunday
  5120.  
  5121. 1207
  5122. 00:47:50,830 --> 00:47:52,250
  5123. and bitch about the elites
  5124. running crap, we'd say
  5125.  
  5126. 1208
  5127. 00:47:52,250 --> 00:47:54,900
  5128. and then we play another
  5129. round of racial slur Jeopardy!
  5130.  
  5131. 1209
  5132. 00:47:54,900 --> 00:47:57,010
  5133. Yeah.
  5134.  
  5135. 1210
  5136. 00:47:57,010 --> 00:47:58,250
  5137. Yeah, we talked about the minorities
  5138.  
  5139. 1211
  5140. 00:47:58,250 --> 00:47:59,850
  5141. sucking at the government tit, we'd say,
  5142.  
  5143. 1212
  5144. 00:47:59,850 --> 00:48:03,000
  5145. as we folded our welfare
  5146. checks into our wallets,
  5147.  
  5148. 1213
  5149. 00:48:03,000 --> 00:48:04,680
  5150. not seeing the irony or knowing
  5151.  
  5152. 1214
  5153. 00:48:04,680 --> 00:48:06,313
  5154. what irony means, ironically.
  5155.  
  5156. 1215
  5157. 00:48:08,380 --> 00:48:10,010
  5158. And while we did that,
  5159. the nerds, and the geeks,
  5160.  
  5161. 1216
  5162. 00:48:10,010 --> 00:48:11,330
  5163. and the elites did impossible things
  5164.  
  5165. 1217
  5166. 00:48:11,330 --> 00:48:12,960
  5167. like read and not get DUIs
  5168.  
  5169. 1218
  5170. 00:48:15,383 --> 00:48:16,870
  5171. while I let my fourth girlfriend pop out
  5172.  
  5173. 1219
  5174. 00:48:16,870 --> 00:48:18,080
  5175. our seventh little diaper-filler,
  5176.  
  5177. 1220
  5178. 00:48:18,080 --> 00:48:19,830
  5179. then scream get them
  5180. kids outta my meth lab!
  5181.  
  5182. 1221
  5183. 00:48:19,830 --> 00:48:20,933
  5184. That's my man cave,
  5185.  
  5186. 1222
  5187. 00:48:22,280 --> 00:48:23,250
  5188. plus, I just rebuilt it.
  5189.  
  5190. 1223
  5191. 00:48:23,250 --> 00:48:24,690
  5192. It might fall over and crush another one.
  5193.  
  5194. 1224
  5195. 00:48:24,690 --> 00:48:25,523
  5196. You don't know.
  5197.  
  5198. 1225
  5199. 00:48:28,786 --> 00:48:30,360
  5200. And then one day, I woke up angry,
  5201.  
  5202. 1226
  5203. 00:48:30,360 --> 00:48:34,403
  5204. bitter, unemployed, in debt, racist.
  5205.  
  5206. 1227
  5207. 00:48:36,530 --> 00:48:37,843
  5208. But I still had Netflix.
  5209.  
  5210. 1228
  5211. 00:48:41,290 --> 00:48:43,450
  5212. I'm gonna have to be honest
  5213. with everybody tonight.
  5214.  
  5215. 1229
  5216. 00:48:43,450 --> 00:48:46,130
  5217. In America, if you're a white man
  5218.  
  5219. 1230
  5220. 00:48:46,130 --> 00:48:49,422
  5221. and you can't make something
  5222. happen in this country...
  5223.  
  5224. 1231
  5225. 00:48:49,422 --> 00:48:50,980
  5226. (chuckling)
  5227.  
  5228. 1232
  5229. 00:48:50,980 --> 00:48:52,023
  5230. It ain't China.
  5231.  
  5232. 1233
  5233. 00:48:53,630 --> 00:48:54,620
  5234. It ain't Mexico.
  5235.  
  5236. 1234
  5237. 00:48:54,620 --> 00:48:55,453
  5238. It ain't NAFTA.
  5239.  
  5240. 1235
  5241. 00:48:55,453 --> 00:48:56,720
  5242. It ain't TBP.
  5243.  
  5244. 1236
  5245. 00:48:56,720 --> 00:48:58,950
  5246. In America, if you're a capable white man
  5247.  
  5248. 1237
  5249. 00:48:58,950 --> 00:49:02,803
  5250. and you can't make something
  5251. happen, that's on you.
  5252.  
  5253. 1238
  5254. 00:49:03,870 --> 00:49:05,257
  5255. (audience applauding)
  5256. (audience whooping)
  5257.  
  5258. 1239
  5259. 00:49:05,257 --> 00:49:07,007
  5260. That's on you, sorry.
  5261.  
  5262. 1240
  5263. 00:49:08,246 --> 00:49:09,079
  5264. And...
  5265.  
  5266. 1241
  5267. 00:49:10,690 --> 00:49:13,280
  5268. Do you wanna know how I know that?
  5269.  
  5270. 1242
  5271. 00:49:13,280 --> 00:49:15,403
  5272. I am a D/F student.
  5273.  
  5274. 1243
  5275. 00:49:17,150 --> 00:49:20,040
  5276. On paper, I should be
  5277. being forcibly snuggled
  5278.  
  5279. 1244
  5280. 00:49:20,040 --> 00:49:22,373
  5281. in a penitentiary right now,
  5282.  
  5283. 1245
  5284. 00:49:24,490 --> 00:49:27,193
  5285. and you guys paid to see me.
  5286.  
  5287. 1246
  5288. 00:49:27,193 --> 00:49:29,043
  5289. (audience applauding)
  5290. (audience cheering)
  5291.  
  5292. 1247
  5293. 00:49:29,043 --> 00:49:30,293
  5294. That's America.
  5295.  
  5296. 1248
  5297. 00:49:31,473 --> 00:49:32,723
  5298. That's America.
  5299.  
  5300. 1249
  5301. 00:49:35,073 --> 00:49:37,100
  5302. I love this country, best place ever.
  5303.  
  5304. 1250
  5305. 00:49:37,100 --> 00:49:38,010
  5306. I've been all over the world.
  5307.  
  5308. 1251
  5309. 00:49:38,010 --> 00:49:38,843
  5310. This is the best.
  5311.  
  5312. 1252
  5313. 00:49:38,843 --> 00:49:40,077
  5314. You want to know how good America is?
  5315.  
  5316. 1253
  5317. 00:49:40,077 --> 00:49:42,210
  5318. Let me explain to you how good America is.
  5319.  
  5320. 1254
  5321. 00:49:42,210 --> 00:49:44,350
  5322. In America, if you don't have a job,
  5323.  
  5324. 1255
  5325. 00:49:44,350 --> 00:49:46,250
  5326. you can walk out into the middle
  5327.  
  5328. 1256
  5329. 00:49:46,250 --> 00:49:48,680
  5330. of the Home Depot parking lot,
  5331.  
  5332. 1257
  5333. 00:49:48,680 --> 00:49:52,704
  5334. stand there, and a job will drive up.
  5335.  
  5336. 1258
  5337. 00:49:52,704 --> 00:49:55,323
  5338. (audience laughing)
  5339. (audience clapping)
  5340.  
  5341. 1259
  5342. 00:49:55,323 --> 00:49:58,323
  5343. (audience whooping)
  5344.  
  5345. 1260
  5346. 00:50:01,150 --> 00:50:02,863
  5347. Why, yes, I am disenfranchised.
  5348.  
  5349. 1261
  5350. 00:50:04,646 --> 00:50:06,530
  5351. I would love to help
  5352. you dig a sewer trench
  5353.  
  5354. 1262
  5355. 00:50:06,530 --> 00:50:07,483
  5356. in your backyard.
  5357.  
  5358. 1263
  5359. 00:50:09,136 --> 00:50:10,636
  5360. Manuel, after you.
  5361.  
  5362. 1264
  5363. 00:50:12,350 --> 00:50:14,650
  5364. Manuel, you do realize
  5365. I'm the foreman, right?
  5366.  
  5367. 1265
  5368. 00:50:17,300 --> 00:50:19,006
  5369. That's a little joke for
  5370. the alternative right,
  5371.  
  5372. 1266
  5373. 00:50:19,006 --> 00:50:20,353
  5374. that's for you guys, there you go.
  5375.  
  5376. 1267
  5377. 00:50:20,353 --> 00:50:22,675
  5378. (audience cheering)
  5379.  
  5380. 1268
  5381. 00:50:22,675 --> 00:50:25,740
  5382. I love this country.
  5383.  
  5384. 1269
  5385. 00:50:25,740 --> 00:50:27,120
  5386. There's no other place in the world
  5387.  
  5388. 1270
  5389. 00:50:27,120 --> 00:50:28,795
  5390. I could do what I do
  5391. and be successful at it.
  5392.  
  5393. 1271
  5394. 00:50:28,795 --> 00:50:29,880
  5395. And you know what I
  5396. hate more than anything?
  5397.  
  5398. 1272
  5399. 00:50:29,880 --> 00:50:31,080
  5400. When people insult America.
  5401.  
  5402. 1273
  5403. 00:50:31,080 --> 00:50:32,570
  5404. Don't you hate it when
  5405. people insult America?
  5406.  
  5407. 1274
  5408. 00:50:32,570 --> 00:50:33,403
  5409. I know what you hate, don't you hate it
  5410.  
  5411. 1275
  5412. 00:50:33,403 --> 00:50:34,550
  5413. when people insult this
  5414. country, don't you?
  5415.  
  5416. 1276
  5417. 00:50:34,550 --> 00:50:35,500
  5418. I hate it, man.
  5419.  
  5420. 1277
  5421. 00:50:35,500 --> 00:50:36,880
  5422. Make America Great Again.
  5423.  
  5424. 1278
  5425. 00:50:36,880 --> 00:50:38,350
  5426. Fuck you, it's great right now.
  5427.  
  5428. 1279
  5429. 00:50:38,350 --> 00:50:39,320
  5430. What are you talking about?
  5431.  
  5432. 1280
  5433. 00:50:39,320 --> 00:50:43,740
  5434. Have you been here?
  5435. (audience cheering)
  5436.  
  5437. 1281
  5438. 00:50:43,740 --> 00:50:45,590
  5439. Pissed me off, man.
  5440.  
  5441. 1282
  5442. 00:50:45,590 --> 00:50:47,880
  5443. This is the best country in the world,
  5444.  
  5445. 1283
  5446. 00:50:47,880 --> 00:50:49,130
  5447. and I want you to know I love it
  5448.  
  5449. 1284
  5450. 00:50:49,130 --> 00:50:51,280
  5451. more than anything, and that's why tonight
  5452.  
  5453. 1285
  5454. 00:50:51,280 --> 00:50:53,920
  5455. will be my last comedy show,
  5456.  
  5457. 1286
  5458. 00:50:53,920 --> 00:50:55,410
  5459. because tomorrow,
  5460.  
  5461. 1287
  5462. 00:50:55,410 --> 00:50:57,792
  5463. I start running for president
  5464. of these United States.
  5465.  
  5466. 1288
  5467. 00:50:57,792 --> 00:51:00,472
  5468. (audience cheering)
  5469.  
  5470. 1289
  5471. 00:51:00,472 --> 00:51:01,668
  5472. Yeah.
  5473.  
  5474. 1290
  5475. 00:51:01,668 --> 00:51:03,319
  5476. Yeah, I know, thank you.
  5477.  
  5478. 1291
  5479. 00:51:03,319 --> 00:51:05,790
  5480. Now, why should I be president?
  5481.  
  5482. 1292
  5483. 00:51:05,790 --> 00:51:07,020
  5484. Well, didn't we all look at the TV
  5485.  
  5486. 1293
  5487. 00:51:07,020 --> 00:51:08,080
  5488. at one point in last two years
  5489.  
  5490. 1294
  5491. 00:51:08,080 --> 00:51:10,593
  5492. and go, fuck, I can do this?
  5493.  
  5494. 1295
  5495. 00:51:11,910 --> 00:51:14,280
  5496. I'm a lot like him, tall
  5497. white guy with a giant head.
  5498.  
  5499. 1296
  5500. 00:51:14,280 --> 00:51:15,113
  5501. There you go.
  5502.  
  5503. 1297
  5504. 00:51:16,240 --> 00:51:17,723
  5505. My hands are bigger, sorry.
  5506.  
  5507. 1298
  5508. 00:51:19,620 --> 00:51:21,282
  5509. And you're welcome.
  5510.  
  5511. 1299
  5512. 00:51:21,282 --> 00:51:24,572
  5513. (audience laughing)
  5514.  
  5515. 1300
  5516. 00:51:24,572 --> 00:51:25,405
  5517. I'm a lot like him.
  5518.  
  5519. 1301
  5520. 00:51:25,405 --> 00:51:28,523
  5521. I say stupid, crazy, insane
  5522. shit on stage all the time,
  5523.  
  5524. 1302
  5525. 00:51:30,680 --> 00:51:32,390
  5526. but that's where him
  5527. and I differ, you know?
  5528.  
  5529. 1303
  5530. 00:51:32,390 --> 00:51:33,420
  5531. We start to split off there.
  5532.  
  5533. 1304
  5534. 00:51:33,420 --> 00:51:35,003
  5535. I don't have any bankruptcies.
  5536.  
  5537. 1305
  5538. 00:51:37,220 --> 00:51:41,120
  5539. I pay my taxes, late, but I pay 'em,
  5540.  
  5541. 1306
  5542. 00:51:41,120 --> 00:51:42,667
  5543. plus penalties (angry growling).
  5544.  
  5545. 1307
  5546. 00:51:45,080 --> 00:51:47,448
  5547. I don't have any rape cases to settle.
  5548.  
  5549. 1308
  5550. 00:51:47,448 --> 00:51:51,328
  5551. (audience whooping)
  5552. (audience applauding)
  5553.  
  5554. 1309
  5555. 00:51:51,328 --> 00:51:55,550
  5556. I don't have some fake-ass
  5557. college con to pay off.
  5558.  
  5559. 1310
  5560. 00:51:55,550 --> 00:51:57,430
  5561. I have never paid off a porn star,
  5562.  
  5563. 1311
  5564. 00:51:57,430 --> 00:51:59,783
  5565. but I have been paid by one.
  5566.  
  5567. 1312
  5568. 00:52:06,151 --> 00:52:07,650
  5569. I'm only on my second wife.
  5570.  
  5571. 1313
  5572. 00:52:07,650 --> 00:52:11,911
  5573. And I only grab pussy
  5574. when it asks politely,
  5575.  
  5576. 1314
  5577. 00:52:11,911 --> 00:52:14,922
  5578. (loud cheering)
  5579.  
  5580. 1315
  5581. 00:52:14,922 --> 00:52:18,005
  5582. which is the number one rule of that.
  5583.  
  5584. 1316
  5585. 00:52:21,070 --> 00:52:22,980
  5586. I'm also not part of
  5587. any group, either, man.
  5588.  
  5589. 1317
  5590. 00:52:22,980 --> 00:52:23,813
  5591. You know, I'm not.
  5592.  
  5593. 1318
  5594. 00:52:23,813 --> 00:52:24,827
  5595. I'm not part of any Dem/Repub or whatever.
  5596.  
  5597. 1319
  5598. 00:52:24,827 --> 00:52:26,110
  5599. And no one's paying me.
  5600.  
  5601. 1320
  5602. 00:52:26,110 --> 00:52:28,773
  5603. I'm here and it's 115 degrees in Arizona.
  5604.  
  5605. 1321
  5606. 00:52:30,212 --> 00:52:32,640
  5607. Yeah, I'm a pure America, 100%, man.
  5608.  
  5609. 1322
  5610. 00:52:32,640 --> 00:52:33,480
  5611. You know, I'm not part of any group.
  5612.  
  5613. 1323
  5614. 00:52:33,480 --> 00:52:34,730
  5615. I believe what Groucho Marx said:
  5616.  
  5617. 1324
  5618. 00:52:34,730 --> 00:52:35,980
  5619. I would never be part of any group
  5620.  
  5621. 1325
  5622. 00:52:35,980 --> 00:52:37,530
  5623. that would have me as a member.
  5624.  
  5625. 1326
  5626. 00:52:38,390 --> 00:52:39,477
  5627. Great joke.
  5628.  
  5629. 1327
  5630. 00:52:39,477 --> 00:52:41,160
  5631. You know, I did try to
  5632. join Black Lives Matter.
  5633.  
  5634. 1328
  5635. 00:52:41,160 --> 00:52:43,553
  5636. That was a long interview, man.
  5637.  
  5638. 1329
  5639. 00:52:45,500 --> 00:52:46,470
  5640. But a good leader listens,
  5641.  
  5642. 1330
  5643. 00:52:46,470 --> 00:52:47,320
  5644. so I went to a couple meetings
  5645.  
  5646. 1331
  5647. 00:52:47,320 --> 00:52:48,153
  5648. and I sat there and I just listened
  5649.  
  5650. 1332
  5651. 00:52:48,153 --> 00:52:48,986
  5652. to what they were talking.
  5653.  
  5654. 1333
  5655. 00:52:48,986 --> 00:52:50,800
  5656. When they said how do we
  5657. stop being mad about slavery?
  5658.  
  5659. 1334
  5660. 00:52:50,800 --> 00:52:52,400
  5661. I said, let's have a white sale.
  5662.  
  5663. 1335
  5664. 00:52:53,856 --> 00:52:55,730
  5665. Yeah, it didn't...
  5666.  
  5667. 1336
  5668. 00:52:55,730 --> 00:52:57,687
  5669. Yeah, it didn't...
  5670.  
  5671. 1337
  5672. 00:52:57,687 --> 00:53:00,357
  5673. It didn't go the way I
  5674. thought it would, you know?
  5675.  
  5676. 1338
  5677. 00:53:00,357 --> 00:53:01,820
  5678. And I thought it was real funny,
  5679.  
  5680. 1339
  5681. 00:53:01,820 --> 00:53:02,860
  5682. 'cause it was also Easter.
  5683.  
  5684. 1340
  5685. 00:53:02,860 --> 00:53:03,710
  5686. That's hilarious.
  5687.  
  5688. 1341
  5689. 00:53:06,490 --> 00:53:07,670
  5690. I'm not a racist or bigot.
  5691.  
  5692. 1342
  5693. 00:53:07,670 --> 00:53:09,710
  5694. The only people I think
  5695. should be killed instantly
  5696.  
  5697. 1343
  5698. 00:53:09,710 --> 00:53:11,960
  5699. are family law attorneys
  5700. and Toyota Prius drivers.
  5701.  
  5702. 1344
  5703. 00:53:11,960 --> 00:53:13,110
  5704. That's it, right there.
  5705.  
  5706. 1345
  5707. 00:53:14,877 --> 00:53:17,070
  5708. I'm sorry, you Toyota Prius people,
  5709.  
  5710. 1346
  5711. 00:53:17,070 --> 00:53:19,170
  5712. do you know what you do to the highways,
  5713.  
  5714. 1347
  5715. 00:53:19,170 --> 00:53:20,003
  5716. do you have any?
  5717.  
  5718. 1348
  5719. 00:53:20,003 --> 00:53:20,836
  5720. You just screw things up,
  5721.  
  5722. 1349
  5723. 00:53:20,836 --> 00:53:22,640
  5724. they you clear it, and we all go, uh.
  5725.  
  5726. 1350
  5727. 00:53:22,640 --> 00:53:23,480
  5728. And then you come back.
  5729.  
  5730. 1351
  5731. 00:53:23,480 --> 00:53:26,270
  5732. You're like the herpes of the
  5733. highway, that's what you are.
  5734.  
  5735. 1352
  5736. 00:53:27,250 --> 00:53:29,980
  5737. Here are three things you are
  5738. never gonna hear in your life:
  5739.  
  5740. 1353
  5741. 00:53:29,980 --> 00:53:32,113
  5742. whoa, look at that bad-ass Prius.
  5743.  
  5744. 1354
  5745. 00:53:34,185 --> 00:53:35,397
  5746. Whoa, that Prius is hauling ass
  5747.  
  5748. 1355
  5749. 00:53:35,397 --> 00:53:37,523
  5750. and that driver seems so competent.
  5751.  
  5752. 1356
  5753. 00:53:39,380 --> 00:53:42,130
  5754. Dude, I got my new Prius,
  5755. bring on the ladies.
  5756.  
  5757. 1357
  5758. 00:53:44,715 --> 00:53:47,035
  5759. Three things never heard.
  5760.  
  5761. 1358
  5762. 00:53:47,035 --> 00:53:49,490
  5763. I do blame the Prius for
  5764. part of the election.
  5765.  
  5766. 1359
  5767. 00:53:49,490 --> 00:53:51,180
  5768. Here's the thing, I did not understand
  5769.  
  5770. 1360
  5771. 00:53:51,180 --> 00:53:52,440
  5772. about why people were frustrated.
  5773.  
  5774. 1361
  5775. 00:53:52,440 --> 00:53:53,810
  5776. They keep talking about
  5777. everyone's frustrated.
  5778.  
  5779. 1362
  5780. 00:53:53,810 --> 00:53:55,360
  5781. Well, you look at the history,
  5782.  
  5783. 1363
  5784. 00:53:55,360 --> 00:53:57,430
  5785. eight years before this last election,
  5786.  
  5787. 1364
  5788. 00:53:57,430 --> 00:54:01,430
  5789. our economy had crashed,
  5790. and then at the end of that,
  5791.  
  5792. 1365
  5793. 00:54:01,430 --> 00:54:02,390
  5794. housing had gone up.
  5795.  
  5796. 1366
  5797. 00:54:02,390 --> 00:54:05,330
  5798. It was 20% higher than
  5799. it was before the crash,
  5800.  
  5801. 1367
  5802. 00:54:05,330 --> 00:54:07,090
  5803. and the stock market had tripled,
  5804.  
  5805. 1368
  5806. 00:54:07,090 --> 00:54:09,580
  5807. and unemployment had gone from 12% to 5%.
  5808.  
  5809. 1369
  5810. 00:54:09,580 --> 00:54:11,200
  5811. We'd saved General Motors and Chrysler.
  5812.  
  5813. 1370
  5814. 00:54:11,200 --> 00:54:12,180
  5815. Bin Laden got killed.
  5816.  
  5817. 1371
  5818. 00:54:12,180 --> 00:54:13,340
  5819. Why were people frustrated?
  5820.  
  5821. 1372
  5822. 00:54:13,340 --> 00:54:14,343
  5823. Toyota Prius.
  5824.  
  5825. 1373
  5826. 00:54:18,280 --> 00:54:20,460
  5827. Every Prius I've ever been
  5828. behind at a stoplight,
  5829.  
  5830. 1374
  5831. 00:54:20,460 --> 00:54:21,293
  5832. that light turns green,
  5833.  
  5834. 1375
  5835. 00:54:21,293 --> 00:54:23,913
  5836. takes at least six seconds to drive away.
  5837.  
  5838. 1376
  5839. 00:54:24,830 --> 00:54:25,947
  5840. Doesn't sound like a lot, does it?
  5841.  
  5842. 1377
  5843. 00:54:25,947 --> 00:54:29,820
  5844. You're behind that idiot: One, two, three,
  5845.  
  5846. 1378
  5847. 00:54:29,820 --> 00:54:31,847
  5848. four, five, go!
  5849.  
  5850. 1379
  5851. 00:54:32,699 --> 00:54:34,222
  5852. (audience laughing)
  5853.  
  5854. 1380
  5855. 00:54:34,222 --> 00:54:37,389
  5856. (audience applauding)
  5857.  
  5858. 1381
  5859. 00:54:39,490 --> 00:54:42,290
  5860. 20 million Priuses on the
  5861. road, 200 million drivers,
  5862.  
  5863. 1382
  5864. 00:54:42,290 --> 00:54:45,490
  5865. that means a lot of us are
  5866. behind these idiots all the time,
  5867.  
  5868. 1383
  5869. 00:54:45,490 --> 00:54:46,999
  5870. and after a day of it, you don't
  5871. know what's wrong with you,
  5872.  
  5873. 1384
  5874. 00:54:46,999 --> 00:54:47,910
  5875. you're just in a bad mood,
  5876.  
  5877. 1385
  5878. 00:54:47,910 --> 00:54:48,743
  5879. and you get home and your wife goes,
  5880.  
  5881. 1386
  5882. 00:54:48,743 --> 00:54:49,576
  5883. what's the matter with you?
  5884.  
  5885. 1387
  5886. 00:54:49,576 --> 00:54:51,070
  5887. I don't know, it just feels
  5888. like I can't get anywhere
  5889.  
  5890. 1388
  5891. 00:54:51,070 --> 00:54:52,960
  5892. in America anymore, you know?
  5893.  
  5894. 1389
  5895. 00:54:52,960 --> 00:54:54,200
  5896. I just can't get ahead.
  5897.  
  5898. 1390
  5899. 00:54:54,200 --> 00:54:56,050
  5900. I'm stopped at every turn, goddammit.
  5901.  
  5902. 1391
  5903. 00:54:56,050 --> 00:54:57,180
  5904. I don't know what to do.
  5905.  
  5906. 1392
  5907. 00:54:57,180 --> 00:55:00,540
  5908. I'm gonna vote for a
  5909. reality television star.
  5910.  
  5911. 1393
  5912. 00:55:00,540 --> 00:55:01,633
  5913. Is Snooki running?
  5914.  
  5915. 1394
  5916. 00:55:03,438 --> 00:55:04,271
  5917. - I'd run.
  5918.  
  5919. 1395
  5920. 00:55:04,271 --> 00:55:06,710
  5921. - Then sweet potato Hitler it is.
  5922.  
  5923. 1396
  5924. 00:55:06,710 --> 00:55:09,349
  5925. (audience laughing)
  5926.  
  5927. 1397
  5928. 00:55:09,349 --> 00:55:11,683
  5929. Yeah, I know, too rough, too far, too far.
  5930.  
  5931. 1398
  5932. 00:55:14,000 --> 00:55:16,420
  5933. And in fact, if I could get
  5934. two family law attorneys
  5935.  
  5936. 1399
  5937. 00:55:16,420 --> 00:55:17,253
  5938. go get in opposing Priuses
  5939.  
  5940. 1400
  5941. 00:55:17,253 --> 00:55:19,460
  5942. and have an 80 mile-an-hour
  5943. head-on collision,
  5944.  
  5945. 1401
  5946. 00:55:19,460 --> 00:55:21,543
  5947. oh, that would make me hard.
  5948.  
  5949. 1402
  5950. 00:55:28,690 --> 00:55:29,560
  5951. I'm a pure American.
  5952.  
  5953. 1403
  5954. 00:55:29,560 --> 00:55:31,360
  5955. I love capitalism and democracy.
  5956.  
  5957. 1404
  5958. 00:55:31,360 --> 00:55:32,720
  5959. Yeah, that's why I should be
  5960. a good president, you know?
  5961.  
  5962. 1405
  5963. 00:55:32,720 --> 00:55:35,420
  5964. I hate communism, any
  5965. ideology where you have
  5966.  
  5967. 1406
  5968. 00:55:35,420 --> 00:55:38,100
  5969. to wait in line for toilet
  5970. paper is very oppressive
  5971.  
  5972. 1407
  5973. 00:55:38,100 --> 00:55:39,873
  5974. and very pro skid mark.
  5975.  
  5976. 1408
  5977. 00:55:42,543 --> 00:55:44,130
  5978. I also don't believe in
  5979. trickle-down economics.
  5980.  
  5981. 1409
  5982. 00:55:44,130 --> 00:55:44,963
  5983. I had to read about it, though.
  5984.  
  5985. 1410
  5986. 00:55:44,963 --> 00:55:45,950
  5987. I've been hearing about it since Reagan.
  5988.  
  5989. 1411
  5990. 00:55:45,950 --> 00:55:47,290
  5991. I actually spent three weeks,
  5992.  
  5993. 1412
  5994. 00:55:47,290 --> 00:55:49,020
  5995. I can break down trickle-down economics
  5996.  
  5997. 1413
  5998. 00:55:49,020 --> 00:55:50,410
  5999. to you guys in one sentence.
  6000.  
  6001. 1414
  6002. 00:55:50,410 --> 00:55:51,525
  6003. Are you ready?
  6004. - No.
  6005.  
  6006. 1415
  6007. 00:55:51,525 --> 00:55:52,370
  6008. (audience member whoops)
  6009.  
  6010. 1416
  6011. 00:55:52,370 --> 00:55:56,030
  6012. - If we give rich people more money,
  6013.  
  6014. 1417
  6015. 00:55:56,030 --> 00:55:58,623
  6016. they will give it to poor people.
  6017.  
  6018. 1418
  6019. 00:56:03,370 --> 00:56:04,520
  6020. Even the poorly-educated are like,
  6021.  
  6022. 1419
  6023. 00:56:04,520 --> 00:56:06,353
  6024. well, that sound like bullshit.
  6025.  
  6026. 1420
  6027. 00:56:07,904 --> 00:56:10,373
  6028. (audience applauding)
  6029. (audience whooping)
  6030.  
  6031. 1421
  6032. 00:56:10,373 --> 00:56:11,206
  6033. Anyway.
  6034.  
  6035. 1422
  6036. 00:56:13,980 --> 00:56:14,980
  6037. How 'bout you give it to us,
  6038.  
  6039. 1423
  6040. 00:56:14,980 --> 00:56:15,980
  6041. we'll trickle it up.
  6042.  
  6043. 1424
  6044. 00:56:18,920 --> 00:56:20,520
  6045. Only trickle-down I believe in
  6046.  
  6047. 1425
  6048. 00:56:20,520 --> 00:56:23,903
  6049. is when I leave the men's
  6050. room wearing light gray pants.
  6051.  
  6052. 1426
  6053. 00:56:26,008 --> 00:56:27,227
  6054. I've witnessed that one.
  6055.  
  6056. 1427
  6057. 00:56:29,236 --> 00:56:30,069
  6058. I'm not a Libertarian either,
  6059.  
  6060. 1428
  6061. 00:56:30,069 --> 00:56:31,300
  6062. although in a Titus administration,
  6063.  
  6064. 1429
  6065. 00:56:31,300 --> 00:56:32,480
  6066. we're gonna bring the size of government
  6067.  
  6068. 1430
  6069. 00:56:32,480 --> 00:56:34,240
  6070. down a little bit, but these
  6071. hard-core Libertarians?
  6072.  
  6073. 1431
  6074. 00:56:34,240 --> 00:56:35,780
  6075. I don't want any government in my life!
  6076.  
  6077. 1432
  6078. 00:56:35,780 --> 00:56:39,480
  6079. Good, when I steal your
  6080. car, don't call the cops.
  6081.  
  6082. 1433
  6083. 00:56:39,480 --> 00:56:40,710
  6084. Your house is on fire.
  6085.  
  6086. 1434
  6087. 00:56:40,710 --> 00:56:41,723
  6088. That's a bitch.
  6089.  
  6090. 1435
  6091. 00:56:44,010 --> 00:56:45,160
  6092. No, I'd call the fire department,
  6093.  
  6094. 1436
  6095. 00:56:45,160 --> 00:56:47,650
  6096. but I don't want to
  6097. screw with your beliefs.
  6098.  
  6099. 1437
  6100. 00:56:47,650 --> 00:56:50,150
  6101. Oo, that insulation makes
  6102. a pretty blue, don't it?
  6103.  
  6104. 1438
  6105. 00:56:54,351 --> 00:56:57,103
  6106. I didn't say I wasn't gonna
  6107. be a asshole president.
  6108.  
  6109. 1439
  6110. 00:56:59,780 --> 00:57:00,970
  6111. (laughing)
  6112.  
  6113. 1440
  6114. 00:57:00,970 --> 00:57:01,933
  6115. When it comes to legislate,
  6116.  
  6117. 1441
  6118. 00:57:01,933 --> 00:57:03,600
  6119. oh, and by the way, I'm
  6120. not a socialist either.
  6121.  
  6122. 1442
  6123. 00:57:03,600 --> 00:57:05,130
  6124. When did socialist become an insult?
  6125.  
  6126. 1443
  6127. 00:57:05,130 --> 00:57:05,963
  6128. Socialist!
  6129.  
  6130. 1444
  6131. 00:57:05,963 --> 00:57:07,240
  6132. Do you guys know what socialism is?
  6133.  
  6134. 1445
  6135. 00:57:07,240 --> 00:57:09,430
  6136. We all work together,
  6137. especially democratic socialism,
  6138.  
  6139. 1446
  6140. 00:57:09,430 --> 00:57:10,680
  6141. you work hard, really together,
  6142.  
  6143. 1447
  6144. 00:57:10,680 --> 00:57:12,770
  6145. and we all share, and we
  6146. all build each other up.
  6147.  
  6148. 1448
  6149. 00:57:12,770 --> 00:57:14,730
  6150. That's what it is, no one gets
  6151. $1 billion, no one gets $1.
  6152.  
  6153. 1449
  6154. 00:57:14,730 --> 00:57:15,640
  6155. That's socialism.
  6156.  
  6157. 1450
  6158. 00:57:15,640 --> 00:57:18,010
  6159. I think it's the -ism that
  6160. bothers people, you know?
  6161.  
  6162. 1451
  6163. 00:57:18,010 --> 00:57:20,373
  6164. Communism, racism, you know?
  6165.  
  6166. 1452
  6167. 00:57:21,740 --> 00:57:22,960
  6168. Nazism.
  6169.  
  6170. 1453
  6171. 00:57:22,960 --> 00:57:25,810
  6172. I want to change your name to social-gasm
  6173.  
  6174. 1454
  6175. 00:57:25,810 --> 00:57:26,911
  6176. and we all get off.
  6177.  
  6178. 1455
  6179. 00:57:26,911 --> 00:57:27,962
  6180. (audience laughing)
  6181.  
  6182. 1456
  6183. 00:57:27,962 --> 00:57:29,873
  6184. (audience applauding)
  6185. (audience whooping)
  6186.  
  6187. 1457
  6188. 00:57:29,873 --> 00:57:31,395
  6189. Yeah.
  6190.  
  6191. 1458
  6192. 00:57:31,395 --> 00:57:33,191
  6193. There you go.
  6194.  
  6195. 1459
  6196. 00:57:33,191 --> 00:57:35,760
  6197. Then, then try to use it as an insult.
  6198.  
  6199. 1460
  6200. 00:57:35,760 --> 00:57:36,593
  6201. Social-gasmist!
  6202.  
  6203. 1461
  6204. 00:57:36,593 --> 00:57:38,663
  6205. Uh, uh, yeah.
  6206.  
  6207. 1462
  6208. 00:57:40,960 --> 00:57:42,366
  6209. Sorry, I got a little trickle-down.
  6210.  
  6211. 1463
  6212. 00:57:42,366 --> 00:57:45,770
  6213. (audience laughing)
  6214.  
  6215. 1464
  6216. 00:57:45,770 --> 00:57:47,010
  6217. When it comes to legislation
  6218.  
  6219. 1465
  6220. 00:57:47,010 --> 00:57:48,370
  6221. in the Titus Administration,
  6222.  
  6223. 1466
  6224. 00:57:48,370 --> 00:57:50,080
  6225. we're not gonna legislate
  6226. where you go to the bathroom.
  6227.  
  6228. 1467
  6229. 00:57:50,080 --> 00:57:52,170
  6230. You look like a dude,
  6231. pee where the dudes pee.
  6232.  
  6233. 1468
  6234. 00:57:52,170 --> 00:57:53,700
  6235. You look like a chick,
  6236. pee where the chicks pee.
  6237.  
  6238. 1469
  6239. 00:57:53,700 --> 00:57:55,340
  6240. If you don't, go behind
  6241. the Dumpster, weirdo,
  6242.  
  6243. 1470
  6244. 00:57:55,340 --> 00:57:57,303
  6245. you're creeping everybody out.
  6246.  
  6247. 1471
  6248. 00:57:59,324 --> 00:58:01,370
  6249. And when it comes to
  6250. gay troops in America,
  6251.  
  6252. 1472
  6253. 00:58:01,370 --> 00:58:03,380
  6254. I'm sorry you wanna step
  6255. in front of a bullet
  6256.  
  6257. 1473
  6258. 00:58:03,380 --> 00:58:04,420
  6259. to protect our freedom?
  6260.  
  6261. 1474
  6262. 00:58:04,420 --> 00:58:06,323
  6263. God bless, thank you very
  6264. much for doing that for us.
  6265.  
  6266. 1475
  6267. 00:58:06,323 --> 00:58:10,573
  6268. (crowd cheering drowns out speech)
  6269.  
  6270. 1476
  6271. 00:58:14,170 --> 00:58:16,520
  6272. And transgender troops?
  6273.  
  6274. 1477
  6275. 00:58:16,520 --> 00:58:18,440
  6276. I want transgenders in the military.
  6277.  
  6278. 1478
  6279. 00:58:18,440 --> 00:58:19,273
  6280. Are you kidding me?
  6281.  
  6282. 1479
  6283. 00:58:19,273 --> 00:58:21,440
  6284. You had the balls to
  6285. cut off your own balls?
  6286.  
  6287. 1480
  6288. 00:58:21,440 --> 00:58:22,523
  6289. That's pretty ballsy.
  6290.  
  6291. 1481
  6292. 00:58:24,710 --> 00:58:27,803
  6293. I'm sorry, that's a committed
  6294. individual right there.
  6295.  
  6296. 1482
  6297. 00:58:28,800 --> 00:58:30,740
  6298. Titus, who's the bravest
  6299. man in your platoon?
  6300.  
  6301. 1483
  6302. 00:58:30,740 --> 00:58:31,573
  6303. Linda.
  6304.  
  6305. 1484
  6306. 00:58:36,485 --> 00:58:39,068
  6307. And I will follow him anywhere.
  6308.  
  6309. 1485
  6310. 00:58:40,230 --> 00:58:42,013
  6311. In fact, I'm gonna
  6312. draft transgender people
  6313.  
  6314. 1486
  6315. 00:58:42,013 --> 00:58:45,053
  6316. into the military and form
  6317. elite groups of trans Seals.
  6318.  
  6319. 1487
  6320. 00:58:46,320 --> 00:58:48,823
  6321. And we will never go to war ever again.
  6322.  
  6323. 1488
  6324. 00:58:49,710 --> 00:58:51,740
  6325. We are going to kill
  6326. the infidel Americans.
  6327.  
  6328. 1489
  6329. 00:58:51,740 --> 00:58:52,790
  6330. Who are they sending over?
  6331.  
  6332. 1490
  6333. 00:58:52,790 --> 00:58:54,005
  6334. Well, sir, intelligence tells us
  6335.  
  6336. 1491
  6337. 00:58:54,005 --> 00:58:55,620
  6338. they're sending over the trans Seals.
  6339.  
  6340. 1492
  6341. 00:58:55,620 --> 00:58:57,930
  6342. Ah, who are these trans Seals?
  6343.  
  6344. 1493
  6345. 00:58:57,930 --> 00:58:59,630
  6346. Sir, it's a group of people
  6347. who cut off their testicles
  6348.  
  6349. 1494
  6350. 00:58:59,630 --> 00:59:00,540
  6351. and sewed up their vaginas.
  6352.  
  6353. 1495
  6354. 00:59:00,540 --> 00:59:02,823
  6355. Ah, they were prisoners,
  6356. it was punishment.
  6357.  
  6358. 1496
  6359. 00:59:04,390 --> 00:59:05,223
  6360. No.
  6361.  
  6362. 1497
  6363. 00:59:09,960 --> 00:59:12,760
  6364. They asked to have it done,
  6365. then paid for it themselves.
  6366.  
  6367. 1498
  6368. 00:59:21,864 --> 00:59:26,864
  6369. (audience applauding)
  6370. (audience laughing)
  6371.  
  6372. 1499
  6373. 00:59:35,520 --> 00:59:37,251
  6374. Changing hearts and minds, bitches.
  6375.  
  6376. 1500
  6377. 00:59:37,251 --> 00:59:39,490
  6378. (chuckling)
  6379.  
  6380. 1501
  6381. 00:59:39,490 --> 00:59:41,330
  6382. That trans Seal bit I did,
  6383.  
  6384. 1502
  6385. 00:59:41,330 --> 00:59:42,250
  6386. first time I wrote it, I was doing it
  6387.  
  6388. 1503
  6389. 00:59:42,250 --> 00:59:44,830
  6390. at the Downtown Club here
  6391. in Arizona, in Phoenix
  6392.  
  6393. 1504
  6394. 00:59:44,830 --> 00:59:45,990
  6395. and I did it.
  6396.  
  6397. 1505
  6398. 00:59:45,990 --> 00:59:47,330
  6399. Next day, my Facebook lights up
  6400.  
  6401. 1506
  6402. 00:59:47,330 --> 00:59:49,480
  6403. with this mom flipping
  6404. out, five paragraphs.
  6405.  
  6406. 1507
  6407. 00:59:49,480 --> 00:59:51,670
  6408. Oh my God, my son is
  6409. trans, and he loved you,
  6410.  
  6411. 1508
  6412. 00:59:51,670 --> 00:59:52,503
  6413. you're his favorite comedian.
  6414.  
  6415. 1509
  6416. 00:59:52,503 --> 00:59:53,820
  6417. And since you, that trans bit,
  6418.  
  6419. 1510
  6420. 00:59:53,820 --> 00:59:55,980
  6421. he hates you now, and
  6422. he wants you to know.
  6423.  
  6424. 1511
  6425. 00:59:55,980 --> 00:59:58,463
  6426. It's not a mutilation, it's a restoration.
  6427.  
  6428. 1512
  6429. 01:00:00,283 --> 01:00:02,420
  6430. (heavy sighing)
  6431.  
  6432. 1513
  6433. 01:00:02,420 --> 01:00:05,300
  6434. Well, restoration means you put it back
  6435.  
  6436. 1514
  6437. 01:00:05,300 --> 01:00:06,600
  6438. the way it was originally.
  6439.  
  6440. 1515
  6441. 01:00:10,460 --> 01:00:12,883
  6442. At best, it's a renovation.
  6443.  
  6444. 1516
  6445. 01:00:18,691 --> 01:00:21,177
  6446. And you really just
  6447. remodeled the bathroom.
  6448.  
  6449. 1517
  6450. 01:00:21,177 --> 01:00:22,859
  6451. (audience laughing)
  6452.  
  6453. 1518
  6454. 01:00:22,859 --> 01:00:25,140
  6455. (audience applauding)
  6456.  
  6457. 1519
  6458. 01:00:25,140 --> 01:00:27,390
  6459. Oh, yeah, call out everybody.
  6460.  
  6461. 1520
  6462. 01:00:28,996 --> 01:00:31,820
  6463. Oh, so as president, I'm
  6464. gonna give you a country
  6465.  
  6466. 1521
  6467. 01:00:31,820 --> 01:00:33,230
  6468. with a little more automatic healthcare,
  6469.  
  6470. 1522
  6471. 01:00:33,230 --> 01:00:34,460
  6472. a little less automatic weapons,
  6473.  
  6474. 1523
  6475. 01:00:34,460 --> 01:00:36,570
  6476. a country where facts trump opinion,
  6477.  
  6478. 1524
  6479. 01:00:36,570 --> 01:00:39,070
  6480. and facts about Trump
  6481. change your fucking opinion.
  6482.  
  6483. 1525
  6484. 01:00:40,870 --> 01:00:42,640
  6485. I'll bring you a country where known liars
  6486.  
  6487. 1526
  6488. 01:00:42,640 --> 01:00:44,800
  6489. are convicted instead of elected,
  6490.  
  6491. 1527
  6492. 01:00:44,800 --> 01:00:46,530
  6493. in a country where sexual predators
  6494.  
  6495. 1528
  6496. 01:00:46,530 --> 01:00:48,210
  6497. are putting in prison, with much bigger,
  6498.  
  6499. 1529
  6500. 01:00:48,210 --> 01:00:49,977
  6501. angrier sexual predators.
  6502.  
  6503. 1530
  6504. 01:00:49,977 --> 01:00:53,240
  6505. (audience cheering)
  6506.  
  6507. 1531
  6508. 01:00:53,240 --> 01:00:57,312
  6509. I'm gonna bring you a country
  6510. where women are heard.
  6511.  
  6512. 1532
  6513. 01:00:57,312 --> 01:00:59,770
  6514. (loud cheering)
  6515.  
  6516. 1533
  6517. 01:00:59,770 --> 01:01:02,010
  6518. Unless the game is on and
  6519. just give me 20 minutes.
  6520.  
  6521. 1534
  6522. 01:01:02,010 --> 01:01:04,205
  6523. Fuck, I'm trying.
  6524.  
  6525. 1535
  6526. 01:01:04,205 --> 01:01:06,530
  6527. It's the fourth quarter
  6528. why don't you just...
  6529.  
  6530. 1536
  6531. 01:01:10,003 --> 01:01:12,270
  6532. A country where the poor
  6533. have a shot at being rich
  6534.  
  6535. 1537
  6536. 01:01:12,270 --> 01:01:14,963
  6537. and the rich don't want the poor shot.
  6538.  
  6539. 1538
  6540. 01:01:16,850 --> 01:01:18,440
  6541. That's an America I can believe in
  6542.  
  6543. 1539
  6544. 01:01:18,440 --> 01:01:19,740
  6545. and that's an America I will bring you
  6546.  
  6547. 1540
  6548. 01:01:19,740 --> 01:01:21,940
  6549. because that's an America I
  6550. was taught about in school
  6551.  
  6552. 1541
  6553. 01:01:21,940 --> 01:01:24,980
  6554. when I wasn't paying attention.
  6555.  
  6556. 1542
  6557. 01:01:24,980 --> 01:01:27,910
  6558. And that's who I'm gonna be
  6559. in 2018, thank you very much.
  6560.  
  6561. 1543
  6562. 01:01:27,910 --> 01:01:32,130
  6563. Now, now...
  6564. (audience cheering)
  6565.  
  6566. 1544
  6567. 01:01:32,130 --> 01:01:35,483
  6568. Why, why am I running in 2018?
  6569.  
  6570. 1545
  6571. 01:01:35,483 --> 01:01:37,600
  6572. 'Cause I think the new guy is
  6573. gonna drop a deuce by Easter.
  6574.  
  6575. 1546
  6576. 01:01:37,600 --> 01:01:38,433
  6577. I really do.
  6578.  
  6579. 1547
  6580. 01:01:39,430 --> 01:01:40,980
  6581. It's getting weirder, isn't it?
  6582.  
  6583. 1548
  6584. 01:01:41,900 --> 01:01:43,230
  6585. And I wanna talk to you
  6586. Liberals for a second,
  6587.  
  6588. 1549
  6589. 01:01:43,230 --> 01:01:44,470
  6590. 'cause, oh, I wanna talk about the check,
  6591.  
  6592. 1550
  6593. 01:01:44,470 --> 01:01:47,160
  6594. 'cause by the way, if
  6595. whatever side you're on
  6596.  
  6597. 1551
  6598. 01:01:47,160 --> 01:01:50,210
  6599. you think, no, there's no
  6600. douche bags in your group,
  6601.  
  6602. 1552
  6603. 01:01:50,210 --> 01:01:51,223
  6604. you're a douche bag.
  6605.  
  6606. 1553
  6607. 01:01:53,400 --> 01:01:54,790
  6608. The only way we get back to we
  6609.  
  6610. 1554
  6611. 01:01:54,790 --> 01:01:56,330
  6612. is calling out everybody
  6613. on their bullshit.
  6614.  
  6615. 1555
  6616. 01:01:56,330 --> 01:01:57,450
  6617. We can't just call it one side.
  6618.  
  6619. 1556
  6620. 01:01:57,450 --> 01:01:59,050
  6621. Everybody gotta get called
  6622. out on their bullshit.
  6623.  
  6624. 1557
  6625. 01:01:59,050 --> 01:01:59,883
  6626. That's how it goes, man.
  6627.  
  6628. 1558
  6629. 01:01:59,883 --> 01:02:01,449
  6630. You know, I thought Trump was easy to get.
  6631.  
  6632. 1559
  6633. 01:02:01,449 --> 01:02:03,420
  6634. And you Trump people
  6635. didn't do anything wrong.
  6636.  
  6637. 1560
  6638. 01:02:03,420 --> 01:02:04,790
  6639. And people are getting mad at you guys.
  6640.  
  6641. 1561
  6642. 01:02:04,790 --> 01:02:07,100
  6643. You didn't know, you
  6644. didn't know there was,
  6645.  
  6646. 1562
  6647. 01:02:07,100 --> 01:02:08,690
  6648. these guys voted for the guy they wanted.
  6649.  
  6650. 1563
  6651. 01:02:08,690 --> 01:02:11,690
  6652. That's what you're supposed to
  6653. do as an American, you know?
  6654.  
  6655. 1564
  6656. 01:02:11,690 --> 01:02:13,951
  6657. And you people that didn't
  6658. vote or voted for Harambe,
  6659.  
  6660. 1565
  6661. 01:02:13,951 --> 01:02:17,360
  6662. (wry chuckling) when you
  6663. see that mushroom cloud
  6664.  
  6665. 1566
  6666. 01:02:17,360 --> 01:02:19,093
  6667. over Phoenix, that shit's on you.
  6668.  
  6669. 1567
  6670. 01:02:20,692 --> 01:02:22,300
  6671. What do you mean, that
  6672. doesn't look like a haboob.
  6673.  
  6674. 1568
  6675. 01:02:22,300 --> 01:02:23,143
  6676. It is not.
  6677.  
  6678. 1569
  6679. 01:02:27,260 --> 01:02:28,580
  6680. They just voted for the guy they wanted.
  6681.  
  6682. 1570
  6683. 01:02:28,580 --> 01:02:29,950
  6684. That he ended up this guy is,
  6685.  
  6686. 1571
  6687. 01:02:29,950 --> 01:02:31,310
  6688. you know, he's a professional conman.
  6689.  
  6690. 1572
  6691. 01:02:31,310 --> 01:02:32,350
  6692. It's not their fault.
  6693.  
  6694. 1573
  6695. 01:02:32,350 --> 01:02:33,390
  6696. And I thought he was easy to get.
  6697.  
  6698. 1574
  6699. 01:02:33,390 --> 01:02:35,730
  6700. I was raised by an alcoholic
  6701. father and mentally ill mother.
  6702.  
  6703. 1575
  6704. 01:02:35,730 --> 01:02:37,170
  6705. Who better to deal with Congress, lady?
  6706.  
  6707. 1576
  6708. 01:02:37,170 --> 01:02:38,213
  6709. Thank you very much.
  6710.  
  6711. 1577
  6712. 01:02:39,410 --> 01:02:40,650
  6713. Here's how easy Trump is to get.
  6714.  
  6715. 1578
  6716. 01:02:40,650 --> 01:02:42,770
  6717. I have a 12-year-old
  6718. son and he's an idiot.
  6719.  
  6720. 1579
  6721. 01:02:42,770 --> 01:02:43,603
  6722. Sorry.
  6723.  
  6724. 1580
  6725. 01:02:46,880 --> 01:02:49,730
  6726. He's not an idiot, he's just 12.
  6727.  
  6728. 1581
  6729. 01:02:49,730 --> 01:02:52,470
  6730. 10- to 14-year-old boys
  6731. have this amazing ability
  6732.  
  6733. 1582
  6734. 01:02:52,470 --> 01:02:53,760
  6735. where they can take their brains out,
  6736.  
  6737. 1583
  6738. 01:02:53,760 --> 01:02:57,911
  6739. put them down and just walk away,
  6740.  
  6741. 1584
  6742. 01:02:57,911 --> 01:02:59,390
  6743. (audience cheering)
  6744.  
  6745. 1585
  6746. 01:02:59,390 --> 01:03:01,243
  6747. for weeks at a time.
  6748.  
  6749. 1586
  6750. 01:03:02,800 --> 01:03:03,920
  6751. All right, here's a story about my son.
  6752.  
  6753. 1587
  6754. 01:03:03,920 --> 01:03:05,310
  6755. So, last year, he was in seventh grade.
  6756.  
  6757. 1588
  6758. 01:03:05,310 --> 01:03:07,060
  6759. First through sixth grade,
  6760. when I had to pick him up,
  6761.  
  6762. 1589
  6763. 01:03:07,060 --> 01:03:08,253
  6764. I had to wait in that
  6765. drop-off/pick-up line.
  6766.  
  6767. 1590
  6768. 01:03:08,253 --> 01:03:10,160
  6769. Then I had to sign a piece of paper.
  6770.  
  6771. 1591
  6772. 01:03:10,160 --> 01:03:11,420
  6773. Then they had to do a DNA test.
  6774.  
  6775. 1592
  6776. 01:03:11,420 --> 01:03:13,260
  6777. They they had to do an iris scan.
  6778.  
  6779. 1593
  6780. 01:03:13,260 --> 01:03:15,300
  6781. Then I could pick his ass up.
  6782.  
  6783. 1594
  6784. 01:03:15,300 --> 01:03:17,570
  6785. Then he became a seventh-grader
  6786. and now he can just leave
  6787.  
  6788. 1595
  6789. 01:03:17,570 --> 01:03:19,830
  6790. when he wants, 'cause
  6791. he's this much taller
  6792.  
  6793. 1596
  6794. 01:03:19,830 --> 01:03:21,430
  6795. and nine pounds heavier.
  6796.  
  6797. 1597
  6798. 01:03:21,430 --> 01:03:23,163
  6799. I guess he's a ninja now.
  6800.  
  6801. 1598
  6802. 01:03:25,958 --> 01:03:26,791
  6803. But I was cool with that.
  6804.  
  6805. 1599
  6806. 01:03:26,791 --> 01:03:28,760
  6807. You know why, 'cause I hated waiting
  6808.  
  6809. 1600
  6810. 01:03:28,760 --> 01:03:30,200
  6811. in that drop-off/pick-up line
  6812.  
  6813. 1601
  6814. 01:03:30,200 --> 01:03:32,850
  6815. with you chatty soccer
  6816. moms driving Priuses.
  6817.  
  6818. 1602
  6819. 01:03:32,850 --> 01:03:34,413
  6820. Oh my God.
  6821.  
  6822. 1603
  6823. 01:03:35,580 --> 01:03:37,650
  6824. I drive a Ram 1500 4-wheel drive,
  6825.  
  6826. 1604
  6827. 01:03:37,650 --> 01:03:38,670
  6828. and you don't know how many times
  6829.  
  6830. 1605
  6831. 01:03:38,670 --> 01:03:41,033
  6832. I played a monster truck
  6833. scenario in my head.
  6834.  
  6835. 1606
  6836. 01:03:43,988 --> 01:03:45,988
  6837. I would just sit in
  6838. that line just thinking.
  6839.  
  6840. 1607
  6841. 01:03:45,988 --> 01:03:49,488
  6842. (imitates engine revving)
  6843.  
  6844. 1608
  6845. 01:03:53,107 --> 01:03:55,163
  6846. How was today at school, son?
  6847.  
  6848. 1609
  6849. 01:03:57,440 --> 01:03:59,167
  6850. So now I'm stoked that I
  6851. can, that I can get him.
  6852.  
  6853. 1610
  6854. 01:03:59,167 --> 01:04:00,010
  6855. And I tell him that.
  6856.  
  6857. 1611
  6858. 01:04:00,010 --> 01:04:01,800
  6859. I go, good, you can leave,
  6860. here's what I want you to do.
  6861.  
  6862. 1612
  6863. 01:04:01,800 --> 01:04:03,070
  6864. Cross the street, stand
  6865. in front of the church.
  6866.  
  6867. 1613
  6868. 01:04:03,070 --> 01:04:04,180
  6869. He goes to a Christian school.
  6870.  
  6871. 1614
  6872. 01:04:04,180 --> 01:04:05,890
  6873. Stand on the curb, I'll drive
  6874. up, pick you up, we're out.
  6875.  
  6876. 1615
  6877. 01:04:05,890 --> 01:04:06,880
  6878. He goes, cool.
  6879.  
  6880. 1616
  6881. 01:04:06,880 --> 01:04:08,420
  6882. First day I do it, it's raining in LA.
  6883.  
  6884. 1617
  6885. 01:04:08,420 --> 01:04:09,253
  6886. I get up to freeway.
  6887.  
  6888. 1618
  6889. 01:04:09,253 --> 01:04:11,120
  6890. I'm on the wrong side of the freeway.
  6891.  
  6892. 1619
  6893. 01:04:11,120 --> 01:04:12,540
  6894. I got past this four-way stop,
  6895.  
  6896. 1620
  6897. 01:04:12,540 --> 01:04:13,890
  6898. I pull to the curb.
  6899.  
  6900. 1621
  6901. 01:04:13,890 --> 01:04:15,300
  6902. My son is four lanes away from me,
  6903.  
  6904. 1622
  6905. 01:04:15,300 --> 01:04:16,690
  6906. directly across the street.
  6907.  
  6908. 1623
  6909. 01:04:16,690 --> 01:04:19,778
  6910. I look out the window of
  6911. my truck and my son goes.
  6912.  
  6913. 1624
  6914. 01:04:19,778 --> 01:04:22,778
  6915. (audience laughing)
  6916.  
  6917. 1625
  6918. 01:04:33,545 --> 01:04:37,660
  6919. And we look at each other
  6920. for like a day and a half.
  6921.  
  6922. 1626
  6923. 01:04:37,660 --> 01:04:38,547
  6924. And I finally roll my window down
  6925.  
  6926. 1627
  6927. 01:04:38,547 --> 01:04:40,573
  6928. and I go, cross the street!
  6929.  
  6930. 1628
  6931. 01:04:41,970 --> 01:04:43,260
  6932. Smart kid, he goes, got it, got it.
  6933.  
  6934. 1629
  6935. 01:04:43,260 --> 01:04:45,500
  6936. He grabs his stuff, he goes to the corner.
  6937.  
  6938. 1630
  6939. 01:04:45,500 --> 01:04:47,440
  6940. I'm right there.
  6941.  
  6942. 1631
  6943. 01:04:47,440 --> 01:04:48,520
  6944. He hits the button.
  6945.  
  6946. 1632
  6947. 01:04:48,520 --> 01:04:53,273
  6948. This light turns green,
  6949. he crosses this street.
  6950.  
  6951. 1633
  6952. 01:04:55,050 --> 01:04:58,013
  6953. Turns and realizes I'm
  6954. farther from dad, now.
  6955.  
  6956. 1634
  6957. 01:04:59,600 --> 01:05:02,530
  6958. Doesn't run back on the green.
  6959.  
  6960. 1635
  6961. 01:05:02,530 --> 01:05:04,553
  6962. Hits the button to cross this street.
  6963.  
  6964. 1636
  6965. 01:05:12,980 --> 01:05:15,890
  6966. And it was the first time it
  6967. came out of me involuntarily.
  6968.  
  6969. 1637
  6970. 01:05:15,890 --> 01:05:17,900
  6971. I'd said it before when
  6972. he did something silly,
  6973.  
  6974. 1638
  6975. 01:05:17,900 --> 01:05:19,720
  6976. but I was looking at the
  6977. rear view mirror of my truck,
  6978.  
  6979. 1639
  6980. 01:05:19,720 --> 01:05:22,197
  6981. and I hear myself go, the fuck?
  6982.  
  6983. 1640
  6984. 01:05:22,197 --> 01:05:27,197
  6985. (audience laughing)
  6986. (audience applauding)
  6987.  
  6988. 1641
  6989. 01:05:29,580 --> 01:05:31,240
  6990. He waits for that light to change,
  6991.  
  6992. 1642
  6993. 01:05:31,240 --> 01:05:33,300
  6994. crosses that street, turns and realizes
  6995.  
  6996. 1643
  6997. 01:05:33,300 --> 01:05:35,613
  6998. he now has yet one more street to cross.
  6999.  
  7000. 1644
  7001. 01:05:39,410 --> 01:05:41,230
  7002. He waits for that light to
  7003. change, cross the street,
  7004.  
  7005. 1645
  7006. 01:05:41,230 --> 01:05:42,160
  7007. gets in my truck, and I go,
  7008.  
  7009. 1646
  7010. 01:05:42,160 --> 01:05:42,993
  7011. what are you doin'?
  7012.  
  7013. 1647
  7014. 01:05:42,993 --> 01:05:46,169
  7015. And he goes, "I know, right?"
  7016.  
  7017. 1648
  7018. 01:05:46,169 --> 01:05:49,336
  7019. (audience applauding)
  7020.  
  7021. 1649
  7022. 01:05:53,588 --> 01:05:55,755
  7023. Which I count as progress,
  7024.  
  7025. 1650
  7026. 01:05:56,990 --> 01:05:59,490
  7027. because he didn't used to
  7028. know when he was stupid.
  7029.  
  7030. 1651
  7031. 01:06:00,577 --> 01:06:01,970
  7032. 'Member, guys, you hit about 13
  7033.  
  7034. 1652
  7035. 01:06:01,970 --> 01:06:04,950
  7036. and you were like, oh
  7037. my God, what am I doing?
  7038.  
  7039. 1653
  7040. 01:06:04,950 --> 01:06:07,933
  7041. I'm never gonna touch a
  7042. girl if I keep this up.
  7043.  
  7044. 1654
  7045. 01:06:09,470 --> 01:06:10,303
  7046. That's where my son is.
  7047.  
  7048. 1655
  7049. 01:06:10,303 --> 01:06:11,540
  7050. So, I'm writing this new show,
  7051.  
  7052. 1656
  7053. 01:06:11,540 --> 01:06:14,020
  7054. it was a while ago, and I'm
  7055. watching the news way too much.
  7056.  
  7057. 1657
  7058. 01:06:14,020 --> 01:06:14,940
  7059. My family hates, 'cause,
  7060.  
  7061. 1658
  7062. 01:06:14,940 --> 01:06:16,130
  7063. and just so you know, Trump people,
  7064.  
  7065. 1659
  7066. 01:06:16,130 --> 01:06:17,130
  7067. I didn't wanna write this show,
  7068.  
  7069. 1660
  7070. 01:06:17,130 --> 01:06:18,783
  7071. but it was on TV every night.
  7072.  
  7073. 1661
  7074. 01:06:19,760 --> 01:06:22,140
  7075. Like, five things a day.
  7076.  
  7077. 1662
  7078. 01:06:22,140 --> 01:06:26,180
  7079. Like, how do you screw
  7080. up 730 times in 500 days?
  7081.  
  7082. 1663
  7083. 01:06:26,180 --> 01:06:27,590
  7084. The only people happy are Charlie Sheen
  7085.  
  7086. 1664
  7087. 01:06:27,590 --> 01:06:31,160
  7088. and Lindsay Lohan, man, and Chris Brown.
  7089.  
  7090. 1665
  7091. 01:06:31,160 --> 01:06:33,163
  7092. They're like, he beat
  7093. our record, all right.
  7094.  
  7095. 1666
  7096. 01:06:34,070 --> 01:06:35,970
  7097. So, it's just comin' out
  7098. of me and I could not,
  7099.  
  7100. 1667
  7101. 01:06:35,970 --> 01:06:36,803
  7102. that's what I do.
  7103.  
  7104. 1668
  7105. 01:06:36,803 --> 01:06:37,636
  7106. My job is to observe and do.
  7107.  
  7108. 1669
  7109. 01:06:37,636 --> 01:06:38,469
  7110. So, it's comin' out of me,
  7111.  
  7112. 1670
  7113. 01:06:38,469 --> 01:06:39,930
  7114. but I'm watching the news all the time,
  7115.  
  7116. 1671
  7117. 01:06:39,930 --> 01:06:41,550
  7118. and my family's like, why do
  7119. we want to watch the news?
  7120.  
  7121. 1672
  7122. 01:06:41,550 --> 01:06:43,000
  7123. I was like, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
  7124.  
  7125. 1673
  7126. 01:06:43,000 --> 01:06:43,833
  7127. You guys wanna eat?
  7128.  
  7129. 1674
  7130. 01:06:43,833 --> 01:06:45,135
  7131. I gotta go to Phoenix.
  7132.  
  7133. 1675
  7134. 01:06:45,135 --> 01:06:47,770
  7135. (audience laughing)
  7136.  
  7137. 1676
  7138. 01:06:47,770 --> 01:06:49,460
  7139. And it's 115 degrees!
  7140.  
  7141. 1677
  7142. 01:06:50,975 --> 01:06:52,280
  7143. (audience whooping)
  7144.  
  7145. 1678
  7146. 01:06:52,280 --> 01:06:54,240
  7147. So, I'm watching the news one night.
  7148.  
  7149. 1679
  7150. 01:06:54,240 --> 01:06:55,073
  7151. I'm just writing.
  7152.  
  7153. 1680
  7154. 01:06:55,073 --> 01:06:57,215
  7155. My son's sitting next to me on the couch.
  7156.  
  7157. 1681
  7158. 01:06:57,215 --> 01:06:58,720
  7159. And here's how easy Trump is to get.
  7160.  
  7161. 1682
  7162. 01:06:58,720 --> 01:07:02,247
  7163. Out of the blue, my son
  7164. just turns and goes,
  7165.  
  7166. 1683
  7167. 01:07:02,247 --> 01:07:05,008
  7168. "How is Mexico gonna pay for the wall?"
  7169.  
  7170. 1684
  7171. 01:07:05,008 --> 01:07:06,715
  7172. (audience laughing)
  7173.  
  7174. 1685
  7175. 01:07:06,715 --> 01:07:09,882
  7176. (audience applauding)
  7177.  
  7178. 1686
  7179. 01:07:18,860 --> 01:07:20,493
  7180. I love you so much right now.
  7181.  
  7182. 1687
  7183. 01:07:22,870 --> 01:07:24,593
  7184. No, I thought I was crazy.
  7185.  
  7186. 1688
  7187. 01:07:26,240 --> 01:07:28,660
  7188. I don't know, son, maybe we're
  7189. gonna get free landscaping
  7190.  
  7191. 1689
  7192. 01:07:28,660 --> 01:07:30,850
  7193. at the White House for
  7194. a while, I don't know.
  7195.  
  7196. 1690
  7197. 01:07:31,790 --> 01:07:33,893
  7198. Maybe we'll send 'em an invoice.
  7199.  
  7200. 1691
  7201. 01:07:35,140 --> 01:07:38,814
  7202. If they don't pay it, I guess
  7203. we'll just ruin their credit.
  7204.  
  7205. 1692
  7206. 01:07:38,814 --> 01:07:41,260
  7207. (laughing)
  7208.  
  7209. 1693
  7210. 01:07:41,260 --> 01:07:42,843
  7211. We'll be Mexico's ex-wife.
  7212.  
  7213. 1694
  7214. 01:07:45,350 --> 01:07:47,270
  7215. Don't tell your mom I said that.
  7216.  
  7217. 1695
  7218. 01:07:51,850 --> 01:07:53,110
  7219. You Trump people gotta
  7220. be tired of hearing,
  7221.  
  7222. 1696
  7223. 01:07:53,110 --> 01:07:54,151
  7224. the wall thing is getting so weird.
  7225.  
  7226. 1697
  7227. 01:07:54,151 --> 01:07:55,440
  7228. The weirdest thing I heard about the wall
  7229.  
  7230. 1698
  7231. 01:07:55,440 --> 01:07:57,210
  7232. was when Spicer was still in.
  7233.  
  7234. 1699
  7235. 01:07:57,210 --> 01:07:58,197
  7236. Spicer came out and he goes,
  7237.  
  7238. 1700
  7239. 01:07:58,197 --> 01:08:01,113
  7240. "Part of the wall is gonna be invisible."
  7241.  
  7242. 1701
  7243. 01:08:01,113 --> 01:08:04,440
  7244. (audience laughing)
  7245.  
  7246. 1702
  7247. 01:08:04,440 --> 01:08:05,570
  7248. Even the poorly-educated were like,
  7249.  
  7250. 1703
  7251. 01:08:05,570 --> 01:08:07,273
  7252. aw, come on, man.
  7253.  
  7254. 1704
  7255. 01:08:08,430 --> 01:08:11,683
  7256. We're poorly-educated, we
  7257. believe in Spandex, not magic.
  7258.  
  7259. 1705
  7260. 01:08:15,210 --> 01:08:16,590
  7261. And here's the sad part
  7262. for these Trump people.
  7263.  
  7264. 1706
  7265. 01:08:16,590 --> 01:08:18,070
  7266. You guys don't know, they now,
  7267.  
  7268. 1707
  7269. 01:08:18,070 --> 01:08:19,820
  7270. whatever he says, however crazy,
  7271.  
  7272. 1708
  7273. 01:08:19,820 --> 01:08:20,653
  7274. they gotta back him up.
  7275.  
  7276. 1709
  7277. 01:08:20,653 --> 01:08:23,160
  7278. I got fans in Texas, on the border.
  7279.  
  7280. 1710
  7281. 01:08:23,160 --> 01:08:24,320
  7282. They got invisible wall?
  7283.  
  7284. 1711
  7285. 01:08:24,320 --> 01:08:25,380
  7286. Yep, they built it this morning.
  7287.  
  7288. 1712
  7289. 01:08:25,380 --> 01:08:28,331
  7290. Look at that son of a
  7291. bitch, right there, yeah.
  7292.  
  7293. 1713
  7294. 01:08:28,331 --> 01:08:31,093
  7295. 320 foot invisible wall.
  7296.  
  7297. 1714
  7298. 01:08:32,730 --> 01:08:35,090
  7299. You gonna go invisible go big, am I right?
  7300.  
  7301. 1715
  7302. 01:08:36,163 --> 01:08:37,900
  7303. That's a high-tech sum-bitch right there.
  7304.  
  7305. 1716
  7306. 01:08:37,900 --> 01:08:39,190
  7307. Ain't nothin' through that, 'cept for
  7308.  
  7309. 1717
  7310. 01:08:39,190 --> 01:08:40,560
  7311. that little Mexican feller right there.
  7312.  
  7313. 1718
  7314. 01:08:40,560 --> 01:08:41,628
  7315. Hey, hey, hey, hey!
  7316.  
  7317. 1719
  7318. 01:08:41,628 --> 01:08:44,628
  7319. (audience laughing)
  7320.  
  7321. 1720
  7322. 01:08:49,140 --> 01:08:51,933
  7323. Rusty, check the fuse box
  7324. on the invisible wall.
  7325.  
  7326. 1721
  7327. 01:08:56,270 --> 01:08:57,103
  7328. And you voted for the guy.
  7329.  
  7330. 1722
  7331. 01:08:57,103 --> 01:08:57,936
  7332. You know what, you Trump people,
  7333.  
  7334. 1723
  7335. 01:08:57,936 --> 01:08:59,730
  7336. you voted for the man,
  7337. you deserve your wall,
  7338.  
  7339. 1724
  7340. 01:08:59,730 --> 01:09:00,820
  7341. to the victor goes this wall.
  7342.  
  7343. 1725
  7344. 01:09:00,820 --> 01:09:02,410
  7345. In fact, you know what, I
  7346. want the wall built now,
  7347.  
  7348. 1726
  7349. 01:09:02,410 --> 01:09:03,520
  7350. 'cause every four years after that,
  7351.  
  7352. 1727
  7353. 01:09:03,520 --> 01:09:05,877
  7354. the Olympics, we are gonna
  7355. kick ass in handball.
  7356.  
  7357. 1728
  7358. 01:09:05,877 --> 01:09:09,018
  7359. (audience laughing)
  7360.  
  7361. 1729
  7362. 01:09:09,018 --> 01:09:09,851
  7363. I mean, we're always gonna have
  7364.  
  7365. 1730
  7366. 01:09:09,851 --> 01:09:11,423
  7367. to play Mexico in the finals,
  7368.  
  7369. 1731
  7370. 01:09:15,939 --> 01:09:17,149
  7371. (sporadic applause)
  7372.  
  7373. 1732
  7374. 01:09:17,149 --> 01:09:19,260
  7375. because they also have a wall.
  7376.  
  7377. 1733
  7378. 01:09:20,670 --> 01:09:23,375
  7379. Nine is the number after eight.
  7380.  
  7381. 1734
  7382. 01:09:23,375 --> 01:09:24,866
  7383. (audience applauding)
  7384.  
  7385. 1735
  7386. 01:09:24,866 --> 01:09:25,699
  7387. Yeah.
  7388.  
  7389. 1736
  7390. 01:09:30,775 --> 01:09:32,870
  7391. And I can prove that no
  7392. matter who you voted for,
  7393.  
  7394. 1737
  7395. 01:09:32,870 --> 01:09:34,140
  7396. we're all the same in
  7397. this country right now.
  7398.  
  7399. 1738
  7400. 01:09:34,140 --> 01:09:35,250
  7401. You know why?
  7402.  
  7403. 1739
  7404. 01:09:35,250 --> 01:09:36,620
  7405. Everyone in this room has had someone
  7406.  
  7407. 1740
  7408. 01:09:36,620 --> 01:09:38,340
  7409. come up to them and say, did
  7410. you hear what he said today?
  7411.  
  7412. 1741
  7413. 01:09:38,340 --> 01:09:40,490
  7414. And then they tell you,
  7415. and you go, no way.
  7416.  
  7417. 1742
  7418. 01:09:41,780 --> 01:09:44,130
  7419. And then you turn on the
  7420. TV and you go, dammit.
  7421.  
  7422. 1743
  7423. 01:09:45,640 --> 01:09:47,610
  7424. Every single one of us. (stammering)
  7425.  
  7426. 1744
  7427. 01:09:47,610 --> 01:09:49,060
  7428. There was something that he said
  7429.  
  7430. 1745
  7431. 01:09:49,060 --> 01:09:50,290
  7432. about the wall that I didn't believe,
  7433.  
  7434. 1746
  7435. 01:09:50,290 --> 01:09:52,600
  7436. and then my wife and I
  7437. were driving somewhere
  7438.  
  7439. 1747
  7440. 01:09:52,600 --> 01:09:53,700
  7441. and listening to the Alabama speech,
  7442.  
  7443. 1748
  7444. 01:09:53,700 --> 01:09:54,780
  7445. the primary speech, when Roy Moore
  7446.  
  7447. 1749
  7448. 01:09:54,780 --> 01:09:56,380
  7449. was against the other guy,
  7450.  
  7451. 1750
  7452. 01:09:56,380 --> 01:09:58,490
  7453. and we have to give Alabama some props
  7454.  
  7455. 1751
  7456. 01:09:58,490 --> 01:10:00,440
  7457. 'cause we finally found out their line:
  7458.  
  7459. 1752
  7460. 01:10:01,340 --> 01:10:03,033
  7461. racist, homophobic pedophile.
  7462.  
  7463. 1753
  7464. 01:10:04,370 --> 01:10:05,483
  7465. They were like, nope.
  7466.  
  7467. 1754
  7468. 01:10:06,530 --> 01:10:08,833
  7469. You can hate, just don't fuck kids,
  7470.  
  7471. 1755
  7472. 01:10:11,180 --> 01:10:12,867
  7473. which is their new license plates.
  7474.  
  7475. 1756
  7476. 01:10:12,867 --> 01:10:15,867
  7477. (audience laughing)
  7478.  
  7479. 1757
  7480. 01:10:22,507 --> 01:10:24,076
  7481. So, good job, Alabama.
  7482.  
  7483. 1758
  7484. 01:10:24,076 --> 01:10:25,909
  7485. So, good job, Alabama.
  7486.  
  7487. 1759
  7488. 01:10:29,230 --> 01:10:30,280
  7489. So, we're listening to the speech
  7490.  
  7491. 1760
  7492. 01:10:30,280 --> 01:10:31,700
  7493. and he says this, and I, honest,
  7494.  
  7495. 1761
  7496. 01:10:31,700 --> 01:10:32,533
  7497. I had to play it again.
  7498.  
  7499. 1762
  7500. 01:10:32,533 --> 01:10:33,410
  7501. I was like, well, what the hell is that?
  7502.  
  7503. 1763
  7504. 01:10:33,410 --> 01:10:34,887
  7505. He said, about the wall, he goes,
  7506.  
  7507. 1764
  7508. 01:10:34,887 --> 01:10:37,290
  7509. "The wall needs to be see-through
  7510.  
  7511. 1765
  7512. 01:10:38,217 --> 01:10:41,797
  7513. "because drug dealers will
  7514. take 100-pound bags of drugs
  7515.  
  7516. 1766
  7517. 01:10:41,797 --> 01:10:45,653
  7518. "put 'em on catapults, and
  7519. shoot 'em over the wall.
  7520.  
  7521. 1767
  7522. 01:10:46,717 --> 01:10:50,247
  7523. "And they may hit innocent
  7524. Americans in the head."
  7525.  
  7526. 1768
  7527. 01:10:55,760 --> 01:10:56,940
  7528. My first thought was, my God,
  7529.  
  7530. 1769
  7531. 01:10:56,940 --> 01:10:59,190
  7532. The Three Stooges have
  7533. started a drug cartel.
  7534.  
  7535. 1770
  7536. 01:11:03,876 --> 01:11:07,360
  7537. Is that how El Chapo
  7538. made his billions, is it?
  7539.  
  7540. 1771
  7541. 01:11:07,360 --> 01:11:10,410
  7542. Is that how the Sinaloa
  7543. cartel just took over Mexico?
  7544.  
  7545. 1772
  7546. 01:11:10,410 --> 01:11:11,243
  7547. Is that?
  7548.  
  7549. 1773
  7550. 01:11:11,243 --> 01:11:12,600
  7551. They have a big meeting one day?
  7552.  
  7553. 1774
  7554. 01:11:12,600 --> 01:11:15,193
  7555. Okay, everybody, welcome to the meeting.
  7556.  
  7557. 1775
  7558. 01:11:18,410 --> 01:11:21,423
  7559. I have a new bitching
  7560. idea to smuggle the drugs.
  7561.  
  7562. 1776
  7563. 01:11:23,260 --> 01:11:25,413
  7564. No more tunnels, my fingers hurt.
  7565.  
  7566. 1777
  7567. 01:11:32,617 --> 01:11:34,534
  7568. Are you ready for this?
  7569.  
  7570. 1778
  7571. 01:11:36,410 --> 01:11:38,363
  7572. We gonna build a catapult.
  7573.  
  7574. 1779
  7575. 01:11:41,760 --> 01:11:43,553
  7576. No, not a trebuchet.
  7577.  
  7578. 1780
  7579. 01:11:47,693 --> 01:11:49,310
  7580. Catapult.
  7581.  
  7582. 1781
  7583. 01:11:49,310 --> 01:11:51,343
  7584. I not going to argue with you anymore.
  7585.  
  7586. 1782
  7587. 01:11:54,070 --> 01:11:58,543
  7588. Then, we going to take
  7589. 100-pound bags of drugs,
  7590.  
  7591. 1783
  7592. 01:12:01,190 --> 01:12:02,423
  7593. put 'em in the catapult,
  7594.  
  7595. 1784
  7596. 01:12:04,380 --> 01:12:08,043
  7597. And then, we gonna shoot 'em
  7598.  
  7599. 1785
  7600. 01:12:10,920 --> 01:12:13,093
  7601. over the invisible wall.
  7602.  
  7603. 1786
  7604. 01:12:17,260 --> 01:12:22,260
  7605. Now, we may need to get
  7606. some liability insurance
  7607.  
  7608. 1787
  7609. 01:12:26,995 --> 01:12:30,707
  7610. in case we hit innocent
  7611. Americans in the head
  7612.  
  7613. 1788
  7614. 01:12:32,280 --> 01:12:34,453
  7615. who are vacationing near the wall.
  7616.  
  7617. 1789
  7618. 01:12:36,910 --> 01:12:38,120
  7619. Okay, everybody in.
  7620.  
  7621. 1790
  7622. 01:12:38,120 --> 01:12:38,953
  7623. Drug dealers!
  7624.  
  7625. 1791
  7626. 01:12:38,953 --> 01:12:40,091
  7627. Okay.
  7628.  
  7629. 1792
  7630. 01:12:40,091 --> 01:12:45,091
  7631. (audience applauding)
  7632. (audience cheering)
  7633.  
  7634. 1793
  7635. 01:12:46,350 --> 01:12:48,516
  7636. That was stupid.
  7637.  
  7638. 1794
  7639. 01:12:48,516 --> 01:12:50,891
  7640. So stupid, thank you.
  7641.  
  7642. 1795
  7643. 01:12:50,891 --> 01:12:53,141
  7644. (laughing)
  7645.  
  7646. 1796
  7647. 01:12:54,239 --> 01:12:55,290
  7648. And here's the other thing about Trump.
  7649.  
  7650. 1797
  7651. 01:12:55,290 --> 01:12:57,150
  7652. If Trump was a nice guy,
  7653. it'd be easier to take.
  7654.  
  7655. 1798
  7656. 01:12:57,150 --> 01:12:58,470
  7657. You know, we've dumb guys in there before
  7658.  
  7659. 1799
  7660. 01:12:58,470 --> 01:12:59,460
  7661. that were nice guys,
  7662.  
  7663. 1800
  7664. 01:12:59,460 --> 01:13:01,020
  7665. you know, guys that
  7666. weren't that smart about,
  7667.  
  7668. 1801
  7669. 01:13:01,020 --> 01:13:01,950
  7670. I met George W.
  7671.  
  7672. 1802
  7673. 01:13:01,950 --> 01:13:02,950
  7674. George W's a really nice guy.
  7675.  
  7676. 1803
  7677. 01:13:02,950 --> 01:13:03,783
  7678. I like W.
  7679.  
  7680. 1804
  7681. 01:13:03,783 --> 01:13:05,070
  7682. You know, I didn't agree
  7683. with him on anything
  7684.  
  7685. 1805
  7686. 01:13:05,070 --> 01:13:05,940
  7687. but I liked him.
  7688.  
  7689. 1806
  7690. 01:13:05,940 --> 01:13:07,300
  7691. I got to meet him, I got
  7692. to do a show for him,
  7693.  
  7694. 1807
  7695. 01:13:07,300 --> 01:13:10,040
  7696. a Christmas special with ABC,
  7697. and I had to do the comedy.
  7698.  
  7699. 1808
  7700. 01:13:10,040 --> 01:13:11,680
  7701. It was at Ford's Theater,
  7702. where Lincoln got shot
  7703.  
  7704. 1809
  7705. 01:13:11,680 --> 01:13:14,070
  7706. which is weird 'cause
  7707. the booth is right there.
  7708.  
  7709. 1810
  7710. 01:13:14,070 --> 01:13:16,400
  7711. It's 12 feet from you and they
  7712. don't let anybody sit there
  7713.  
  7714. 1811
  7715. 01:13:16,400 --> 01:13:18,364
  7716. 'cause I guess they
  7717. haven't caught the guy.
  7718.  
  7719. 1812
  7720. 01:13:18,364 --> 01:13:19,910
  7721. (audience laughing)
  7722.  
  7723. 1813
  7724. 01:13:19,910 --> 01:13:21,630
  7725. Or they're still doing forensics.
  7726.  
  7727. 1814
  7728. 01:13:21,630 --> 01:13:23,080
  7729. I don't know what's going on.
  7730.  
  7731. 1815
  7732. 01:13:24,300 --> 01:13:27,160
  7733. So, they asked me to the
  7734. show, and I said yeah.
  7735.  
  7736. 1816
  7737. 01:13:27,160 --> 01:13:29,080
  7738. Iraq was going on, I said,
  7739. can I do my Iraq material?
  7740.  
  7741. 1817
  7742. 01:13:29,080 --> 01:13:30,557
  7743. And they went, "No."
  7744.  
  7745. 1818
  7746. 01:13:31,700 --> 01:13:32,940
  7747. And I said, no, no,
  7748. it's not about the war,
  7749.  
  7750. 1819
  7751. 01:13:32,940 --> 01:13:33,990
  7752. it's about the troops, and they said okay.
  7753.  
  7754. 1820
  7755. 01:13:33,990 --> 01:13:36,160
  7756. Sure, they cleared it, 'cause
  7757. I went to Iraq a couple times.
  7758.  
  7759. 1821
  7760. 01:13:36,160 --> 01:13:38,300
  7761. And when I would go to
  7762. Iraq, I'd get these gigs,
  7763.  
  7764. 1822
  7765. 01:13:38,300 --> 01:13:39,510
  7766. I'd call other comedians and I'd go,
  7767.  
  7768. 1823
  7769. 01:13:39,510 --> 01:13:40,780
  7770. dude, we're gonna go do shows
  7771.  
  7772. 1824
  7773. 01:13:40,780 --> 01:13:41,613
  7774. for the troops in Iraq, you wanna go?
  7775.  
  7776. 1825
  7777. 01:13:41,613 --> 01:13:43,420
  7778. And every comedian said, hell, yeah.
  7779.  
  7780. 1826
  7781. 01:13:43,420 --> 01:13:45,130
  7782. And then, I'd call 'em
  7783. two week before we leave.
  7784.  
  7785. 1827
  7786. 01:13:45,130 --> 01:13:45,963
  7787. We're leaving in two weeks.
  7788.  
  7789. 1828
  7790. 01:13:45,963 --> 01:13:47,244
  7791. I'm not going to Iraq.
  7792.  
  7793. 1829
  7794. 01:13:47,244 --> 01:13:48,897
  7795. (audience laughing)
  7796.  
  7797. 1830
  7798. 01:13:48,897 --> 01:13:52,080
  7799. I'm gonna go to Tempe, Arizona
  7800. where it feels like Iraq
  7801.  
  7802. 1831
  7803. 01:13:53,381 --> 01:13:58,381
  7804. (audience applauding)
  7805. (audience whooping)
  7806.  
  7807. 1832
  7808. 01:14:00,210 --> 01:14:01,363
  7809. except with old people.
  7810.  
  7811. 1833
  7812. 01:14:04,200 --> 01:14:06,030
  7813. So, the last time I went, I
  7814. invited this guy named Everlast.
  7815.  
  7816. 1834
  7817. 01:14:06,030 --> 01:14:07,501
  7818. I got to meet him.
  7819.  
  7820. 1835
  7821. 01:14:07,501 --> 01:14:09,100
  7822. Everlast's a great musician,
  7823. he did he Jump Around.
  7824.  
  7825. 1836
  7826. 01:14:09,100 --> 01:14:10,510
  7827. And he's a great musician,
  7828.  
  7829. 1837
  7830. 01:14:10,510 --> 01:14:12,810
  7831. and he was also raised
  7832. in Boston and East LA,
  7833.  
  7834. 1838
  7835. 01:14:12,810 --> 01:14:13,960
  7836. so when I said, you wanna go to Iraq?
  7837.  
  7838. 1839
  7839. 01:14:13,960 --> 01:14:16,327
  7840. He's like, yeah, do I bring
  7841. a gun, or can we rent?
  7842.  
  7843. 1840
  7844. 01:14:16,327 --> 01:14:18,350
  7845. (audience laughing)
  7846.  
  7847. 1841
  7848. 01:14:18,350 --> 01:14:20,080
  7849. He's legit.
  7850.  
  7851. 1842
  7852. 01:14:20,080 --> 01:14:22,020
  7853. So, we go to Iraq, and any
  7854. soldiers in here, tonight?
  7855.  
  7856. 1843
  7857. 01:14:22,020 --> 01:14:23,570
  7858. If you're in here tonight,
  7859. thank you for doing the job.
  7860.  
  7861. 1844
  7862. 01:14:23,570 --> 01:14:24,680
  7863. I want you guys to know something.
  7864.  
  7865. 1845
  7866. 01:14:24,680 --> 01:14:26,100
  7867. When you clap for the soldiers,
  7868.  
  7869. 1846
  7870. 01:14:26,100 --> 01:14:28,250
  7871. I want you just not clap
  7872. because it's all rote.
  7873.  
  7874. 1847
  7875. 01:14:28,250 --> 01:14:29,320
  7876. Think about what they went through.
  7877.  
  7878. 1848
  7879. 01:14:29,320 --> 01:14:33,680
  7880. Iraq was the worst place
  7881. I've ever been to in my life.
  7882.  
  7883. 1849
  7884. 01:14:33,680 --> 01:14:36,494
  7885. Imagine if Mars got colon cancer.
  7886.  
  7887. 1850
  7888. 01:14:36,494 --> 01:14:38,680
  7889. (audience laughing).
  7890.  
  7891. 1851
  7892. 01:14:38,680 --> 01:14:40,040
  7893. That's Iraq.
  7894.  
  7895. 1852
  7896. 01:14:40,040 --> 01:14:41,190
  7897. Nothing there, and when
  7898. you get off the plane,
  7899.  
  7900. 1853
  7901. 01:14:41,190 --> 01:14:42,360
  7902. it was so hot, it was.
  7903.  
  7904. 1854
  7905. 01:14:42,360 --> 01:14:43,390
  7906. Literally, it was like here,
  7907.  
  7908. 1855
  7909. 01:14:43,390 --> 01:14:45,006
  7910. except you had, except danger.
  7911.  
  7912. 1856
  7913. 01:14:45,006 --> 01:14:46,557
  7914. I was like (agonized groaning).
  7915.  
  7916. 1857
  7917. 01:14:46,557 --> 01:14:47,580
  7918. And I get off the plane,
  7919.  
  7920. 1858
  7921. 01:14:47,580 --> 01:14:49,550
  7922. and they had palates of
  7923. water on all the base,
  7924.  
  7925. 1859
  7926. 01:14:49,550 --> 01:14:50,418
  7927. and they go, Titus, drink some water.
  7928.  
  7929. 1860
  7930. 01:14:50,418 --> 01:14:51,330
  7931. I would go, no, I'm just hot.
  7932.  
  7933. 1861
  7934. 01:14:51,330 --> 01:14:52,900
  7935. And then I go to the bathroom
  7936.  
  7937. 1862
  7938. 01:14:52,900 --> 01:14:54,400
  7939. and above every latrine,
  7940.  
  7941. 1863
  7942. 01:14:54,400 --> 01:14:57,690
  7943. there is a chart that shows
  7944. you where your pee should be,
  7945.  
  7946. 1864
  7947. 01:14:57,690 --> 01:14:59,680
  7948. and it starts clear, then it goes Sprite,
  7949.  
  7950. 1865
  7951. 01:14:59,680 --> 01:15:02,210
  7952. and it goes Mountain
  7953. Dew, then it Mello Yello.
  7954.  
  7955. 1866
  7956. 01:15:02,210 --> 01:15:04,823
  7957. And I was peeing Aunt Jemima
  7958. maple syrup down here.
  7959.  
  7960. 1867
  7961. 01:15:06,890 --> 01:15:07,740
  7962. And the lieutenant was like,
  7963.  
  7964. 1868
  7965. 01:15:07,740 --> 01:15:09,620
  7966. you're about eight minutes
  7967. from death, Mr. Titus.
  7968.  
  7969. 1869
  7970. 01:15:09,620 --> 01:15:10,453
  7971. You better...
  7972.  
  7973. 1870
  7974. 01:15:11,310 --> 01:15:12,690
  7975. Nobody should pee chunks.
  7976.  
  7977. 1871
  7978. 01:15:12,690 --> 01:15:13,523
  7979. Let's go.
  7980.  
  7981. 1872
  7982. 01:15:15,180 --> 01:15:17,970
  7983. And we did Fallujah, and we did Mosul,
  7984.  
  7985. 1873
  7986. 01:15:17,970 --> 01:15:20,270
  7987. and we did Tikrit, and I was over there
  7988.  
  7989. 1874
  7990. 01:15:20,270 --> 01:15:22,350
  7991. before Obama just gave it back.
  7992.  
  7993. 1875
  7994. 01:15:22,350 --> 01:15:23,570
  7995. Goddammit.
  7996.  
  7997. 1876
  7998. 01:15:23,570 --> 01:15:24,697
  7999. Oh I'm sorry, liberals, lighten up.
  8000.  
  8001. 1877
  8002. 01:15:24,697 --> 01:15:25,733
  8003. $3 trillion?
  8004.  
  8005. 1878
  8006. 01:15:26,917 --> 01:15:30,390
  8007. $3 trillion and we walked away?
  8008.  
  8009. 1879
  8010. 01:15:30,390 --> 01:15:32,280
  8011. Could we at least leave Paul Blart here?
  8012.  
  8013. 1880
  8014. 01:15:32,280 --> 01:15:33,113
  8015. Please? Maybe?
  8016.  
  8017. 1881
  8018. 01:15:35,440 --> 01:15:38,010
  8019. You know, the yard
  8020. ladies at my high school
  8021.  
  8022. 1882
  8023. 01:15:38,010 --> 01:15:41,160
  8024. coulda held off Isis
  8025. for a couple of weeks.
  8026.  
  8027. 1883
  8028. 01:15:41,160 --> 01:15:43,980
  8029. But Obama was like, nope,
  8030. George W. signed a treaty,
  8031.  
  8032. 1884
  8033. 01:15:43,980 --> 01:15:46,920
  8034. and we have to be out by 2014,
  8035.  
  8036. 1885
  8037. 01:15:46,920 --> 01:15:48,750
  8038. and we're gonna honor that treaty.
  8039.  
  8040. 1886
  8041. 01:15:48,750 --> 01:15:50,991
  8042. It's the first time we've
  8043. ever honored a treaty,
  8044.  
  8045. 1887
  8046. 01:15:50,991 --> 01:15:53,280
  8047. (audience laughing)
  8048.  
  8049. 1888
  8050. 01:15:53,280 --> 01:15:56,933
  8051. but we have to this time
  8052. because I'm the black guy.
  8053.  
  8054. 1889
  8055. 01:16:02,063 --> 01:16:03,370
  8056. Yeah, you conservatives thought I was,
  8057.  
  8058. 1890
  8059. 01:16:03,370 --> 01:16:05,070
  8060. yeah, eh, oh, that's a good point.
  8061.  
  8062. 1891
  8063. 01:16:09,090 --> 01:16:11,347
  8064. So, we do our show, and we're in Mosul,
  8065.  
  8066. 1892
  8067. 01:16:11,347 --> 01:16:12,530
  8068. and we get three days in Mosul.
  8069.  
  8070. 1893
  8071. 01:16:12,530 --> 01:16:13,930
  8072. We have to stay in Mosul for three days,
  8073.  
  8074. 1894
  8075. 01:16:13,930 --> 01:16:14,860
  8076. 'cause they can't get us a flight.
  8077.  
  8078. 1895
  8079. 01:16:14,860 --> 01:16:17,010
  8080. And staying in Mosul, Iraq is not,
  8081.  
  8082. 1896
  8083. 01:16:17,010 --> 01:16:18,270
  8084. it's not Sandals, Iraq.
  8085.  
  8086. 1897
  8087. 01:16:18,270 --> 01:16:19,620
  8088. It's not good, and it's just me
  8089.  
  8090. 1898
  8091. 01:16:19,620 --> 01:16:21,447
  8092. and Everlast walking around the base.
  8093.  
  8094. 1899
  8095. 01:16:21,447 --> 01:16:23,060
  8096. And the soldiers are like, guys,
  8097. don't walk around the base.
  8098.  
  8099. 1900
  8100. 01:16:23,060 --> 01:16:26,250
  8101. If you're going to the, you
  8102. know, to eat, to the mess,
  8103.  
  8104. 1901
  8105. 01:16:26,250 --> 01:16:27,460
  8106. you gotta move.
  8107.  
  8108. 1902
  8109. 01:16:27,460 --> 01:16:28,590
  8110. And I'm like, why?
  8111.  
  8112. 1903
  8113. 01:16:28,590 --> 01:16:29,556
  8114. And he's like, because.
  8115.  
  8116. 1904
  8117. 01:16:29,556 --> 01:16:32,580
  8118. (initiates falling missile booming)
  8119.  
  8120. 1905
  8121. 01:16:32,580 --> 01:16:34,120
  8122. We're a musician and a comedian.
  8123.  
  8124. 1906
  8125. 01:16:34,120 --> 01:16:35,522
  8126. They were like, that's how
  8127. they explained it to us.
  8128.  
  8129. 1907
  8130. 01:16:35,522 --> 01:16:38,680
  8131. (initiates falling missile booming)
  8132.  
  8133. 1908
  8134. 01:16:38,680 --> 01:16:39,833
  8135. Oh.
  8136.  
  8137. 1909
  8138. 01:16:42,090 --> 01:16:43,407
  8139. So, after our first day,
  8140. these soldiers show up,
  8141.  
  8142. 1910
  8143. 01:16:43,407 --> 01:16:45,500
  8144. and they go, hey, we know you
  8145. guys got a couple days off.
  8146.  
  8147. 1911
  8148. 01:16:45,500 --> 01:16:47,340
  8149. Hey, if we can get you
  8150. guys a chopper ride,
  8151.  
  8152. 1912
  8153. 01:16:47,340 --> 01:16:49,920
  8154. will you guys go do a show
  8155. at a forward operating base?
  8156.  
  8157. 1913
  8158. 01:16:49,920 --> 01:16:51,210
  8159. And I was like, hell, yeah!
  8160.  
  8161. 1914
  8162. 01:16:51,210 --> 01:16:53,142
  8163. 'Cause I didn't know what a
  8164. forward operating base was.
  8165.  
  8166. 1915
  8167. 01:16:53,142 --> 01:16:56,142
  8168. (audience laughing)
  8169.  
  8170. 1916
  8171. 01:16:57,090 --> 01:16:58,220
  8172. Here's where we are.
  8173.  
  8174. 1917
  8175. 01:16:58,220 --> 01:17:00,230
  8176. Here's the forward operating base.
  8177.  
  8178. 1918
  8179. 01:17:00,230 --> 01:17:01,480
  8180. Here's where we're going.
  8181.  
  8182. 1919
  8183. 01:17:02,862 --> 01:17:03,695
  8184. Uh.
  8185.  
  8186. 1920
  8187. 01:17:03,695 --> 01:17:04,528
  8188. And it was funny, we got in this,
  8189.  
  8190. 1921
  8191. 01:17:04,528 --> 01:17:05,370
  8192. we had to get this Black Hawk
  8193.  
  8194. 1922
  8195. 01:17:05,370 --> 01:17:06,480
  8196. and they got the doors blown of it.
  8197.  
  8198. 1923
  8199. 01:17:06,480 --> 01:17:07,330
  8200. And they put on my flak vest.
  8201.  
  8202. 1924
  8203. 01:17:07,330 --> 01:17:09,070
  8204. It's like 120 degrees, and it's hot.
  8205.  
  8206. 1925
  8207. 01:17:09,070 --> 01:17:10,750
  8208. And I put on my metal hat.
  8209.  
  8210. 1926
  8211. 01:17:10,750 --> 01:17:12,795
  8212. My helmet, I put on my helmet.
  8213.  
  8214. 1927
  8215. 01:17:12,795 --> 01:17:16,300
  8216. (audience laughing)
  8217.  
  8218. 1928
  8219. 01:17:16,300 --> 01:17:18,750
  8220. All right, that's a joke,
  8221. but it really happened.
  8222.  
  8223. 1929
  8224. 01:17:19,970 --> 01:17:21,330
  8225. I was getting ready to get in the chopper.
  8226.  
  8227. 1930
  8228. 01:17:21,330 --> 01:17:22,867
  8229. I had my flak vest on, and I
  8230. put it down, and I lost it,
  8231.  
  8232. 1931
  8233. 01:17:22,867 --> 01:17:24,200
  8234. and I get in the chopper.
  8235.  
  8236. 1932
  8237. 01:17:24,200 --> 01:17:25,630
  8238. I go, anybody seen my metal hat?
  8239.  
  8240. 1933
  8241. 01:17:25,630 --> 01:17:26,930
  8242. And all the soldiers went,
  8243.  
  8244. 1934
  8245. 01:17:27,889 --> 01:17:30,889
  8246. (audience laughing)
  8247.  
  8248. 1935
  8249. 01:17:35,810 --> 01:17:37,563
  8250. did you just say metal hat, sir?
  8251.  
  8252. 1936
  8253. 01:17:39,878 --> 01:17:42,463
  8254. 'Cause it's made out of Kevlar
  8255. and we call it a helmet.
  8256.  
  8257. 1937
  8258. 01:17:43,610 --> 01:17:45,460
  8259. Don't say metal hat again, okay, sir?
  8260.  
  8261. 1938
  8262. 01:17:46,780 --> 01:17:48,307
  8263. 'cause the doors are off this chopper and
  8264.  
  8265. 1939
  8266. 01:17:48,307 --> 01:17:52,724
  8267. (initiates falling missile booming).
  8268.  
  8269. 1940
  8270. 01:17:55,310 --> 01:17:57,550
  8271. So, we fly across the desert,
  8272. and we're flyin' forever.
  8273.  
  8274. 1941
  8275. 01:17:57,550 --> 01:17:59,010
  8276. And we had to divert
  8277. around this sandstorm,
  8278.  
  8279. 1942
  8280. 01:17:59,010 --> 01:18:01,910
  8281. which is amazing, 'cause we
  8282. landed, my face was so smooth.
  8283.  
  8284. 1943
  8285. 01:18:03,760 --> 01:18:05,860
  8286. And we get close to
  8287. this, and we fly forever.
  8288.  
  8289. 1944
  8290. 01:18:05,860 --> 01:18:07,150
  8291. And there's nothing there, it's desolate.
  8292.  
  8293. 1945
  8294. 01:18:07,150 --> 01:18:07,983
  8295. What are we here for?
  8296.  
  8297. 1946
  8298. 01:18:07,983 --> 01:18:09,970
  8299. There's just rocks,
  8300. and dirt, and no trees,
  8301.  
  8302. 1947
  8303. 01:18:09,970 --> 01:18:11,150
  8304. and all of a sudden, in the distance,
  8305.  
  8306. 1948
  8307. 01:18:11,150 --> 01:18:13,920
  8308. we see this town and it's
  8309. in the middle of nowhere.
  8310.  
  8311. 1949
  8312. 01:18:13,920 --> 01:18:16,430
  8313. I mean there's no hills, water, nothing.
  8314.  
  8315. 1950
  8316. 01:18:16,430 --> 01:18:17,700
  8317. What it looks like is people got pissed
  8318.  
  8319. 1951
  8320. 01:18:17,700 --> 01:18:18,760
  8321. at the Mosul City Council, like,
  8322.  
  8323. 1952
  8324. 01:18:18,760 --> 01:18:20,690
  8325. you know what, screw you.
  8326.  
  8327. 1953
  8328. 01:18:20,690 --> 01:18:21,820
  8329. We're gonna start our own town!
  8330.  
  8331. 1954
  8332. 01:18:21,820 --> 01:18:23,020
  8333. Come on, guys, let's go.
  8334.  
  8335. 1955
  8336. 01:18:23,020 --> 01:18:24,810
  8337. And they started walking.
  8338.  
  8339. 1956
  8340. 01:18:24,810 --> 01:18:27,810
  8341. And they walked a biblical distance,
  8342.  
  8343. 1957
  8344. 01:18:27,810 --> 01:18:29,920
  8345. and somebody went, fuck it,
  8346. we're gonna build it right here.
  8347.  
  8348. 1958
  8349. 01:18:29,920 --> 01:18:30,753
  8350. I don't care.
  8351.  
  8352. 1959
  8353. 01:18:31,770 --> 01:18:34,070
  8354. Naw, my flip-flops are
  8355. all jacked up, I can't.
  8356.  
  8357. 1960
  8358. 01:18:34,975 --> 01:18:37,796
  8359. No, I don't care what
  8360. the white Jesus says.
  8361.  
  8362. 1961
  8363. 01:18:37,796 --> 01:18:40,796
  8364. (audience laughing)
  8365.  
  8366. 1962
  8367. 01:18:43,510 --> 01:18:44,970
  8368. So, we're comin' in, and as you see,
  8369.  
  8370. 1963
  8371. 01:18:44,970 --> 01:18:45,803
  8372. so there's a town over here,
  8373.  
  8374. 1964
  8375. 01:18:45,803 --> 01:18:48,080
  8376. and then 400 yards away,
  8377. there's this big, giant complex.
  8378.  
  8379. 1965
  8380. 01:18:48,080 --> 01:18:50,540
  8381. And we found later, that was
  8382. the old mayor of the town.
  8383.  
  8384. 1966
  8385. 01:18:50,540 --> 01:18:52,940
  8386. He had this big giant mansion
  8387. and we commandeered it.
  8388.  
  8389. 1967
  8390. 01:18:52,940 --> 01:18:54,100
  8391. I don't know what commandeered means,
  8392.  
  8393. 1968
  8394. 01:18:54,100 --> 01:18:55,790
  8395. you're gonna have to
  8396. ask an American Indian.
  8397.  
  8398. 1969
  8399. 01:18:55,790 --> 01:18:57,687
  8400. (audience laughing)
  8401.  
  8402. 1970
  8403. 01:18:57,687 --> 01:19:02,687
  8404. (audience whooping)
  8405. (audience applauding)
  8406.  
  8407. 1971
  8408. 01:19:03,318 --> 01:19:06,068
  8409. Titus, hysterical and historical.
  8410.  
  8411. 1972
  8412. 01:19:09,540 --> 01:19:11,060
  8413. So, we come in and we land on the base,
  8414.  
  8415. 1973
  8416. 01:19:11,060 --> 01:19:12,170
  8417. and we're inside.
  8418.  
  8419. 1974
  8420. 01:19:12,170 --> 01:19:13,220
  8421. It's got these thick walls,
  8422.  
  8423. 1975
  8424. 01:19:13,220 --> 01:19:14,300
  8425. and this little lieutenant
  8426. comes up to help.
  8427.  
  8428. 1976
  8429. 01:19:14,300 --> 01:19:15,133
  8430. He's got little glasses.
  8431.  
  8432. 1977
  8433. 01:19:15,133 --> 01:19:16,240
  8434. I go, it's Radar O'Reilly,
  8435.  
  8436. 1978
  8437. 01:19:16,240 --> 01:19:19,260
  8438. and nobody knows what the
  8439. hell I'm talking about
  8440.  
  8441. 1979
  8442. 01:19:19,260 --> 01:19:21,733
  8443. 'cause they're 14 and I'm 1,007.
  8444.  
  8445. 1980
  8446. 01:19:23,003 --> 01:19:24,350
  8447. And we get out, we get out of the chopper,
  8448.  
  8449. 1981
  8450. 01:19:24,350 --> 01:19:27,410
  8451. and I look over and up
  8452. against the wall is a tank
  8453.  
  8454. 1982
  8455. 01:19:27,410 --> 01:19:29,030
  8456. and the turret is pointed over the wall,
  8457.  
  8458. 1983
  8459. 01:19:29,030 --> 01:19:30,820
  8460. directly at the town.
  8461.  
  8462. 1984
  8463. 01:19:30,820 --> 01:19:31,800
  8464. And I go to the commander.
  8465.  
  8466. 1985
  8467. 01:19:31,800 --> 01:19:32,940
  8468. I go, what's the deal with the tank?
  8469.  
  8470. 1986
  8471. 01:19:32,940 --> 01:19:34,517
  8472. And he goes, "It's a reminder."
  8473.  
  8474. 1987
  8475. 01:19:39,420 --> 01:19:41,030
  8476. That's how we're changing
  8477. hearts and minds.
  8478.  
  8479. 1988
  8480. 01:19:41,030 --> 01:19:44,483
  8481. Ah, we're reminding them.
  8482.  
  8483. 1989
  8484. 01:19:45,650 --> 01:19:46,483
  8485. So, the guy takes it,
  8486.  
  8487. 1990
  8488. 01:19:46,483 --> 01:19:48,750
  8489. and I wanna say, you wanna
  8490. talk about being we the people?
  8491.  
  8492. 1991
  8493. 01:19:48,750 --> 01:19:52,180
  8494. Every soldier I saw,
  8495. white, black, Hispanic,
  8496.  
  8497. 1992
  8498. 01:19:52,180 --> 01:19:54,020
  8499. didn't matter whatever religion they were,
  8500.  
  8501. 1993
  8502. 01:19:54,020 --> 01:19:55,050
  8503. all working together.
  8504.  
  8505. 1994
  8506. 01:19:55,050 --> 01:19:56,360
  8507. You wanna talk about we?
  8508.  
  8509. 1995
  8510. 01:19:56,360 --> 01:19:58,843
  8511. Those guys did it every day
  8512. and they were bad-ass at it.
  8513.  
  8514. 1996
  8515. 01:19:58,843 --> 01:20:01,704
  8516. (audience cheering)
  8517. (audience applauding)
  8518.  
  8519. 1997
  8520. 01:20:01,704 --> 01:20:06,704
  8521. And, so this lieutenant takes
  8522. up on the third balcony,
  8523.  
  8524. 1998
  8525. 01:20:07,890 --> 01:20:08,723
  8526. and we're overlooking
  8527. the town in the distance,
  8528.  
  8529. 1999
  8530. 01:20:08,723 --> 01:20:10,570
  8531. and he starts talking
  8532. about this town of Azrah
  8533.  
  8534. 2000
  8535. 01:20:10,570 --> 01:20:11,640
  8536. that we're at and he goes,
  8537.  
  8538. 2001
  8539. 01:20:11,640 --> 01:20:13,563
  8540. this town of Azrah is one of
  8541. the smallest town in Iraq,
  8542.  
  8543. 2002
  8544. 01:20:13,563 --> 01:20:15,440
  8545. and all the bad guys,
  8546. the worst of the worst
  8547.  
  8548. 2003
  8549. 01:20:15,440 --> 01:20:16,400
  8550. are coming here and hiding out,
  8551.  
  8552. 2004
  8553. 01:20:16,400 --> 01:20:17,720
  8554. so we had to build his base here
  8555.  
  8556. 2005
  8557. 01:20:17,720 --> 01:20:18,553
  8558. so we can go get 'em.
  8559.  
  8560. 2006
  8561. 01:20:18,553 --> 01:20:19,790
  8562. And our guys go in every night,
  8563.  
  8564. 2007
  8565. 01:20:19,790 --> 01:20:20,623
  8566. and they don't know
  8567. what's behind that door,
  8568.  
  8569. 2008
  8570. 01:20:20,623 --> 01:20:22,330
  8571. and they kick the door
  8572. in and they're just,
  8573.  
  8574. 2009
  8575. 01:20:22,330 --> 01:20:23,430
  8576. they're knockin' and rockin'.
  8577.  
  8578. 2010
  8579. 01:20:23,430 --> 01:20:25,300
  8580. I was proud, I was like, yeah!
  8581.  
  8582. 2011
  8583. 01:20:25,300 --> 01:20:28,113
  8584. And then my anus clenched shut.
  8585.  
  8586. 2012
  8587. 01:20:30,090 --> 01:20:32,740
  8588. Like, I had this caveman
  8589. fear come up in me.
  8590.  
  8591. 2013
  8592. 01:20:32,740 --> 01:20:33,900
  8593. I don't know what happened,
  8594.  
  8595. 2014
  8596. 01:20:33,900 --> 01:20:36,460
  8597. but I turned around, and
  8598. about 20 feet behind us,
  8599.  
  8600. 2015
  8601. 01:20:36,460 --> 01:20:38,640
  8602. this Special Ops guy had
  8603. walked out onto the balcony,
  8604.  
  8605. 2016
  8606. 01:20:38,640 --> 01:20:40,040
  8607. but he wouldn't come out any further.
  8608.  
  8609. 2017
  8610. 01:20:40,040 --> 01:20:41,870
  8611. And he didn't have a lot
  8612. of patches on his uniform.
  8613.  
  8614. 2018
  8615. 01:20:41,870 --> 01:20:42,890
  8616. I don't know what unit he was in
  8617.  
  8618. 2019
  8619. 01:20:42,890 --> 01:20:44,970
  8620. but, maybe, any military guy?
  8621.  
  8622. 2020
  8623. 01:20:44,970 --> 01:20:47,290
  8624. The patch on his arm, it
  8625. was Satan raping a bear.
  8626.  
  8627. 2021
  8628. 01:20:47,290 --> 01:20:48,123
  8629. I don't know.
  8630.  
  8631. 2022
  8632. 01:20:50,720 --> 01:20:52,140
  8633. Anybody wanna fight those guys?
  8634.  
  8635. 2023
  8636. 01:20:52,140 --> 01:20:53,590
  8637. I'm not fightin' those guys.
  8638.  
  8639. 2024
  8640. 01:20:53,590 --> 01:20:54,760
  8641. And this guy was crazy.
  8642.  
  8643. 2025
  8644. 01:20:54,760 --> 01:20:57,440
  8645. He was (stammering), he was an X-Men,
  8646.  
  8647. 2026
  8648. 01:20:57,440 --> 01:20:59,140
  8649. that's what he was, he was a X-Men.
  8650.  
  8651. 2027
  8652. 01:20:59,140 --> 01:21:00,700
  8653. He had the waist of a 12-year-old girl,
  8654.  
  8655. 2028
  8656. 01:21:00,700 --> 01:21:01,920
  8657. like the shoulders of a Yeti.
  8658.  
  8659. 2029
  8660. 01:21:01,920 --> 01:21:02,903
  8661. It was insane,
  8662.  
  8663. 2030
  8664. 01:21:04,050 --> 01:21:05,480
  8665. and he was also calm, too.
  8666.  
  8667. 2031
  8668. 01:21:05,480 --> 01:21:07,270
  8669. Now, every man in this
  8670. room who's been in a couple
  8671.  
  8672. 2032
  8673. 01:21:07,270 --> 01:21:08,987
  8674. of bar fights, you know
  8675. the guys you can fight
  8676.  
  8677. 2033
  8678. 01:21:08,987 --> 01:21:10,920
  8679. and the guys you can't fight.
  8680.  
  8681. 2034
  8682. 01:21:10,920 --> 01:21:12,696
  8683. That guy that's goin',
  8684. come on, me and you,
  8685.  
  8686. 2035
  8687. 01:21:12,696 --> 01:21:14,310
  8688. let's dance, let's do this!
  8689.  
  8690. 2036
  8691. 01:21:14,310 --> 01:21:15,143
  8692. That guy?
  8693.  
  8694. 2037
  8695. 01:21:15,143 --> 01:21:15,976
  8696. Get out your phones,
  8697.  
  8698. 2038
  8699. 01:21:15,976 --> 01:21:17,580
  8700. He's getting his ass kicked,
  8701.  
  8702. 2039
  8703. 01:21:17,580 --> 01:21:21,100
  8704. and it's gonna be hilarious.
  8705.  
  8706. 2040
  8707. 01:21:21,100 --> 01:21:24,020
  8708. Then there's that other
  8709. guy that just goes,
  8710.  
  8711. 2041
  8712. 01:21:24,020 --> 01:21:25,123
  8713. sure you wanna fight?
  8714.  
  8715. 2042
  8716. 01:21:26,164 --> 01:21:29,164
  8717. (audience laughing)
  8718.  
  8719. 2043
  8720. 01:21:34,200 --> 01:21:36,243
  8721. As a matter of fact, I apologize.
  8722.  
  8723. 2044
  8724. 01:21:39,758 --> 01:21:40,800
  8725. (audience whooping)
  8726.  
  8727. 2045
  8728. 01:21:40,800 --> 01:21:43,010
  8729. And this guy was calmer
  8730. than that guy, and very,
  8731.  
  8732. 2046
  8733. 01:21:43,010 --> 01:21:44,173
  8734. he's standing 20 feet behind us
  8735.  
  8736. 2047
  8737. 01:21:44,173 --> 01:21:45,710
  8738. on the edge of this balcony,
  8739.  
  8740. 2048
  8741. 01:21:45,710 --> 01:21:47,013
  8742. and we're way out in the front of it,
  8743.  
  8744. 2049
  8745. 01:21:47,013 --> 01:21:48,507
  8746. and he just goes, "Gentlemen,
  8747. would you guys mind
  8748.  
  8749. 2050
  8750. 01:21:48,507 --> 01:21:50,760
  8751. "coming back here for a second, please?"
  8752.  
  8753. 2051
  8754. 01:21:50,760 --> 01:21:53,570
  8755. So, Everlast turns, 'cause
  8756. in his voice, you heard it.
  8757.  
  8758. 2052
  8759. 01:21:53,570 --> 01:21:55,220
  8760. Everlast walks past him, I walk past him,
  8761.  
  8762. 2053
  8763. 01:21:55,220 --> 01:21:56,280
  8764. the lieutenant walks past him.
  8765.  
  8766. 2054
  8767. 01:21:56,280 --> 01:21:57,130
  8768. As the the lieutenant walks over,
  8769.  
  8770. 2055
  8771. 01:21:57,130 --> 01:21:58,470
  8772. he grabs the front of his shirt
  8773.  
  8774. 2056
  8775. 01:21:58,470 --> 01:22:01,570
  8776. and part of his nipple,
  8777. 'cause the kid made noise.
  8778.  
  8779. 2057
  8780. 01:22:01,570 --> 01:22:03,637
  8781. The kid went, "Oh!"
  8782.  
  8783. 2058
  8784. 01:22:03,637 --> 01:22:06,150
  8785. And now he's getting carry/dragged
  8786.  
  8787. 2059
  8788. 01:22:06,150 --> 01:22:08,460
  8789. behind this wall, and the guy
  8790. slams him against the wall,
  8791.  
  8792. 2060
  8793. 01:22:08,460 --> 01:22:10,033
  8794. and I said, I am not next.
  8795.  
  8796. 2061
  8797. 01:22:12,490 --> 01:22:15,290
  8798. I'm blaming him, he brought us out here.
  8799.  
  8800. 2062
  8801. 01:22:15,290 --> 01:22:16,553
  8802. And the guy doesn't pay
  8803. attention to me at all.
  8804.  
  8805. 2063
  8806. 01:22:16,553 --> 01:22:18,167
  8807. Gets right in the kid's face, and he goes,
  8808.  
  8809. 2064
  8810. 01:22:18,167 --> 01:22:20,427
  8811. "You do know there are snipers
  8812.  
  8813. 2065
  8814. 01:22:20,427 --> 01:22:23,710
  8815. "in that town right now, right?"
  8816.  
  8817. 2066
  8818. 01:22:23,710 --> 01:22:26,600
  8819. And Everlast goes, "Uh,
  8820. can I kick his ass?"
  8821.  
  8822. 2067
  8823. 01:22:26,600 --> 01:22:29,710
  8824. (audience laughing)
  8825.  
  8826. 2068
  8827. 01:22:29,710 --> 01:22:31,820
  8828. And the guy was like, no,
  8829. it's against Army regulations,
  8830.  
  8831. 2069
  8832. 01:22:31,820 --> 01:22:33,920
  8833. plus I gotta rape him in a minute, anyway.
  8834.  
  8835. 2070
  8836. 01:22:35,230 --> 01:22:37,980
  8837. Now, I didn't tell that story
  8838. at the Christmas special.
  8839.  
  8840. 2071
  8841. 01:22:40,570 --> 01:22:41,870
  8842. So, here's what a nice guy W. is.
  8843.  
  8844. 2072
  8845. 01:22:41,870 --> 01:22:43,320
  8846. I'm in front of him doing my show.
  8847.  
  8848. 2073
  8849. 01:22:43,320 --> 01:22:44,670
  8850. It's going all right.
  8851.  
  8852. 2074
  8853. 01:22:44,670 --> 01:22:46,180
  8854. W. and his wife, Laura are sitting there.
  8855.  
  8856. 2075
  8857. 01:22:46,180 --> 01:22:47,450
  8858. In the middle of it, I go, Mr. President,
  8859.  
  8860. 2076
  8861. 01:22:47,450 --> 01:22:48,860
  8862. I go, it's hard for me to
  8863. call you Mr. President.
  8864.  
  8865. 2077
  8866. 01:22:48,860 --> 01:22:50,060
  8867. Can I just call you Hoss?
  8868.  
  8869. 2078
  8870. 01:22:50,060 --> 01:22:51,367
  8871. - Hoss?
  8872. - Yeah.
  8873.  
  8874. 2079
  8875. 01:22:51,367 --> 01:22:53,377
  8876. And the whole room goes
  8877. (imitates brakes squealing).
  8878.  
  8879. 2080
  8880. 01:22:55,318 --> 01:22:56,470
  8881. I thought it would get a laugh
  8882.  
  8883. 2081
  8884. 01:22:56,470 --> 01:22:58,430
  8885. not thinking that I just
  8886. called the President
  8887.  
  8888. 2082
  8889. 01:22:58,430 --> 01:23:00,633
  8890. of the United States Hoss.
  8891.  
  8892. 2083
  8893. 01:23:01,990 --> 01:23:03,407
  8894. And W. looks at me and goes,
  8895.  
  8896. 2084
  8897. 01:23:03,407 --> 01:23:04,240
  8898. "Yeah, Hoss.
  8899.  
  8900. 2085
  8901. 01:23:04,240 --> 01:23:06,307
  8902. "I like that, go ahead
  8903. and call me Hoss, yeah."
  8904.  
  8905. 2086
  8906. 01:23:07,600 --> 01:23:08,670
  8907. Then at the end of that show,
  8908.  
  8909. 2087
  8910. 01:23:08,670 --> 01:23:09,780
  8911. we're all standing on stage behind him,
  8912.  
  8913. 2088
  8914. 01:23:09,780 --> 01:23:11,250
  8915. and he goes to the mic to make a speech.
  8916.  
  8917. 2089
  8918. 01:23:11,250 --> 01:23:12,437
  8919. And he walk up and he goes,
  8920. "How's everybody doin'?
  8921.  
  8922. 2090
  8923. 01:23:12,437 --> 01:23:15,117
  8924. "Hoss here." (laughing)
  8925.  
  8926. 2091
  8927. 01:23:16,480 --> 01:23:18,280
  8928. Then they invited me to the White House.
  8929.  
  8930. 2092
  8931. 01:23:18,280 --> 01:23:19,610
  8932. I got to go to the White House?
  8933.  
  8934. 2093
  8935. 01:23:19,610 --> 01:23:20,730
  8936. Make America Great Again?
  8937.  
  8938. 2094
  8939. 01:23:20,730 --> 01:23:23,080
  8940. That's pretty, great, my God.
  8941.  
  8942. 2095
  8943. 01:23:23,080 --> 01:23:24,250
  8944. And I had just got divorced.
  8945.  
  8946. 2096
  8947. 01:23:24,250 --> 01:23:26,010
  8948. And met my new girl, and I got,
  8949.  
  8950. 2097
  8951. 01:23:26,010 --> 01:23:27,380
  8952. married her, finally, by the way.
  8953.  
  8954. 2098
  8955. 01:23:27,380 --> 01:23:30,720
  8956. My new wife is so far out
  8957. of my league is ridiculous.
  8958.  
  8959. 2099
  8960. 01:23:30,720 --> 01:23:33,220
  8961. Yeah, here's out of my league my wife is.
  8962.  
  8963. 2100
  8964. 01:23:33,220 --> 01:23:34,600
  8965. We'll be in an airport somewhere.
  8966.  
  8967. 2101
  8968. 01:23:34,600 --> 01:23:35,690
  8969. She'll get up to go to the bathroom
  8970.  
  8971. 2102
  8972. 01:23:35,690 --> 01:23:38,470
  8973. and guys I don't know will
  8974. walk over to me and go,
  8975.  
  8976. 2103
  8977. 01:23:38,470 --> 01:23:41,140
  8978. dude, how did you land that?
  8979.  
  8980. 2104
  8981. 01:23:41,140 --> 01:23:43,760
  8982. I'm like, I don't know, bro, I don't know.
  8983.  
  8984. 2105
  8985. 01:23:43,760 --> 01:23:46,260
  8986. I have no idea. (chuckling)
  8987.  
  8988. 2106
  8989. 01:23:46,260 --> 01:23:48,143
  8990. And don't you say nothing to her,
  8991.  
  8992. 2107
  8993. 01:23:50,220 --> 01:23:52,236
  8994. 'cause she may not know this is weird.
  8995.  
  8996. 2108
  8997. 01:23:52,236 --> 01:23:55,236
  8998. (audience laughing)
  8999.  
  9000. 2109
  9001. 01:23:57,610 --> 01:23:58,530
  9002. So, I called her, I said,
  9003.  
  9004. 2110
  9005. 01:23:58,530 --> 01:24:00,320
  9006. you wanna go on a date to The White House?
  9007.  
  9008. 2111
  9009. 01:24:00,320 --> 01:24:03,553
  9010. No, not Waffle House, White House.
  9011.  
  9012. 2112
  9013. 01:24:04,750 --> 01:24:05,860
  9014. She meets me there.
  9015.  
  9016. 2113
  9017. 01:24:05,860 --> 01:24:07,780
  9018. She's got on a ball
  9019. gown, I've got a tuxedo.
  9020.  
  9021. 2114
  9022. 01:24:07,780 --> 01:24:10,040
  9023. We're in line to get a picture
  9024.  
  9025. 2115
  9026. 01:24:10,040 --> 01:24:12,230
  9027. with W. and his wife, Laura.
  9028.  
  9029. 2116
  9030. 01:24:12,230 --> 01:24:14,503
  9031. And here's what a normal dude W. is.
  9032.  
  9033. 2117
  9034. 01:24:15,390 --> 01:24:17,370
  9035. As we walk over, he glances, sees my girl,
  9036.  
  9037. 2118
  9038. 01:24:17,370 --> 01:24:19,768
  9039. and goes, "All right,
  9040. things are looking up."
  9041.  
  9042. 2119
  9043. 01:24:19,768 --> 01:24:21,754
  9044. (audience laughing)
  9045.  
  9046. 2120
  9047. 01:24:21,754 --> 01:24:26,085
  9048. (audience whooping)
  9049. (audience applauding)
  9050.  
  9051. 2121
  9052. 01:24:26,085 --> 01:24:29,502
  9053. And I was like, fist bump, Mr. President.
  9054.  
  9055. 2122
  9056. 01:24:30,353 --> 01:24:31,467
  9057. He was like, "I told you to call me Hoss.
  9058.  
  9059. 2123
  9060. 01:24:31,467 --> 01:24:32,597
  9061. "Call me Hoss."
  9062.  
  9063. 2124
  9064. 01:24:34,300 --> 01:24:35,644
  9065. Nice man, nice man, even when you see him
  9066.  
  9067. 2125
  9068. 01:24:35,644 --> 01:24:36,970
  9069. in interviews now, with
  9070. Clinton or whatever,
  9071.  
  9072. 2126
  9073. 01:24:36,970 --> 01:24:38,900
  9074. he's just, he's self-deprecating,
  9075. he's a nice guy.
  9076.  
  9077. 2127
  9078. 01:24:38,900 --> 01:24:41,740
  9079. On the other hand, our new guy hate tweets
  9080.  
  9081. 2128
  9082. 01:24:41,740 --> 01:24:46,060
  9083. about civil rights leaders on
  9084. Martin Luther King weekend.
  9085.  
  9086. 2129
  9087. 01:24:46,060 --> 01:24:47,100
  9088. Does he have a calendar?
  9089.  
  9090. 2130
  9091. 01:24:47,100 --> 01:24:48,650
  9092. I'm gonna save this
  9093. tweet till next Saturday.
  9094.  
  9095. 2131
  9096. 01:24:48,650 --> 01:24:50,050
  9097. Maybe that would make sense.
  9098.  
  9099. 2132
  9100. 01:24:52,000 --> 01:24:55,170
  9101. He's gone after some of
  9102. America's most hated terrorists:
  9103.  
  9104. 2133
  9105. 01:24:55,170 --> 01:24:56,263
  9106. Meryl Streep.
  9107.  
  9108. 2134
  9109. 01:24:58,450 --> 01:25:00,270
  9110. Called Meryl Streep overrated.
  9111.  
  9112. 2135
  9113. 01:25:00,270 --> 01:25:03,440
  9114. She's been nominated for
  9115. 20 Oscars and won six.
  9116.  
  9117. 2136
  9118. 01:25:03,440 --> 01:25:06,050
  9119. I'm sorry, you don't get to
  9120. talk to talk shit about anybody
  9121.  
  9122. 2137
  9123. 01:25:06,050 --> 01:25:09,500
  9124. if your best skill is
  9125. bankruptcy and the comb over.
  9126.  
  9127. 2138
  9128. 01:25:09,500 --> 01:25:14,500
  9129. (audience applauding)
  9130. (audience whooping)
  9131.  
  9132. 2139
  9133. 01:25:15,417 --> 01:25:16,920
  9134. And Trump people, I want you to know
  9135.  
  9136. 2140
  9137. 01:25:16,920 --> 01:25:18,600
  9138. I'm not giving you my
  9139. opinion, this is a fact.
  9140.  
  9141. 2141
  9142. 01:25:18,600 --> 01:25:21,633
  9143. The man bankrupt four casinos.
  9144.  
  9145. 2142
  9146. 01:25:23,380 --> 01:25:25,483
  9147. Do you know how casinos work?
  9148.  
  9149. 2143
  9150. 01:25:30,530 --> 01:25:32,063
  9151. People walk into the casino.
  9152.  
  9153. 2144
  9154. 01:25:33,930 --> 01:25:36,573
  9155. They hand over all their money.
  9156.  
  9157. 2145
  9158. 01:25:37,580 --> 01:25:41,277
  9159. And then, they walk out of the casino.
  9160.  
  9161. 2146
  9162. 01:25:41,277 --> 01:25:42,720
  9163. (audience applauding)
  9164.  
  9165. 2147
  9166. 01:25:42,720 --> 01:25:46,290
  9167. (audience cheering)
  9168.  
  9169. 2148
  9170. 01:25:46,290 --> 01:25:49,050
  9171. Somehow, he found the glitch in that.
  9172.  
  9173. 2149
  9174. 01:25:59,637 --> 01:26:01,540
  9175. Ah, but again the problem
  9176. is liberals in our country
  9177.  
  9178. 2150
  9179. 01:26:01,540 --> 01:26:02,670
  9180. and here's why.
  9181.  
  9182. 2151
  9183. 01:26:02,670 --> 01:26:03,990
  9184. Here's why: liberals right now
  9185.  
  9186. 2152
  9187. 01:26:03,990 --> 01:26:05,040
  9188. think they have the moral high ground.
  9189.  
  9190. 2153
  9191. 01:26:05,040 --> 01:26:05,873
  9192. They're actually all thinking that.
  9193.  
  9194. 2154
  9195. 01:26:05,873 --> 01:26:07,480
  9196. You know, these people are
  9197. stupid, they voted for Trump.
  9198.  
  9199. 2155
  9200. 01:26:07,480 --> 01:26:09,590
  9201. They're not; they didn't know
  9202. he was gonna be this guy.
  9203.  
  9204. 2156
  9205. 01:26:09,590 --> 01:26:11,530
  9206. And now because everyone's
  9207. talking shit online
  9208.  
  9209. 2157
  9210. 01:26:11,530 --> 01:26:12,920
  9211. like a bunch of digital pussies,
  9212.  
  9213. 2158
  9214. 01:26:12,920 --> 01:26:14,200
  9215. everyone's got their back up.
  9216.  
  9217. 2159
  9218. 01:26:14,200 --> 01:26:15,870
  9219. You know, you can't say fuck you, dude.
  9220.  
  9221. 2160
  9222. 01:26:15,870 --> 01:26:17,170
  9223. No one's gonna, oh, we're good, hug me.
  9224.  
  9225. 2161
  9226. 01:26:17,170 --> 01:26:18,370
  9227. That's not what happens.
  9228.  
  9229. 2162
  9230. 01:26:19,450 --> 01:26:20,480
  9231. We gotta learn to be cool.
  9232.  
  9233. 2163
  9234. 01:26:20,480 --> 01:26:22,170
  9235. If we're gonna be we again.
  9236.  
  9237. 2164
  9238. 01:26:22,170 --> 01:26:23,500
  9239. we got to be cool,
  9240. peoples making mistakes.
  9241.  
  9242. 2165
  9243. 01:26:23,500 --> 01:26:24,710
  9244. My grandmother's 84 years old.
  9245.  
  9246. 2166
  9247. 01:26:24,710 --> 01:26:25,543
  9248. She voted for Trump.
  9249.  
  9250. 2167
  9251. 01:26:25,543 --> 01:26:27,460
  9252. We're playing cards over Christmas,
  9253.  
  9254. 2168
  9255. 01:26:27,460 --> 01:26:29,380
  9256. and in the middle of playing cards,
  9257.  
  9258. 2169
  9259. 01:26:29,380 --> 01:26:30,727
  9260. she just goes, "I wish this man
  9261.  
  9262. 2170
  9263. 01:26:30,727 --> 01:26:32,904
  9264. "would just put down the tweeter."
  9265.  
  9266. 2171
  9267. 01:26:32,904 --> 01:26:35,904
  9268. (audience laughing)
  9269.  
  9270. 2172
  9271. 01:26:38,210 --> 01:26:39,610
  9272. Cannot believe a voter for this idiot.
  9273.  
  9274. 2173
  9275. 01:26:39,610 --> 01:26:40,570
  9276. I made a mistake.
  9277.  
  9278. 2174
  9279. 01:26:40,570 --> 01:26:41,860
  9280. And you know what I didn't do?
  9281.  
  9282. 2175
  9283. 01:26:41,860 --> 01:26:43,333
  9284. Yeah, bitch!
  9285.  
  9286. 2176
  9287. 01:26:43,333 --> 01:26:45,280
  9288. (audience laughing)
  9289. (audience applauding)
  9290.  
  9291. 2177
  9292. 01:26:45,280 --> 01:26:48,511
  9293. Yeah, why don't you suck on that, Grandma?
  9294.  
  9295. 2178
  9296. 01:26:48,511 --> 01:26:49,344
  9297. Yeah.
  9298.  
  9299. 2179
  9300. 01:26:56,490 --> 01:26:59,000
  9301. They know, liberals, they know.
  9302.  
  9303. 2180
  9304. 01:26:59,000 --> 01:27:01,181
  9305. They just don't know what to do about it.
  9306.  
  9307. 2181
  9308. 01:27:01,181 --> 01:27:02,610
  9309. You know they gotta,
  9310. they're gonna ride it out,
  9311.  
  9312. 2182
  9313. 01:27:02,610 --> 01:27:03,740
  9314. but they know, trust me.
  9315.  
  9316. 2183
  9317. 01:27:03,740 --> 01:27:05,080
  9318. They go home.
  9319.  
  9320. 2184
  9321. 01:27:05,080 --> 01:27:06,540
  9322. We're all the same, people, we're all,
  9323.  
  9324. 2185
  9325. 01:27:06,540 --> 01:27:08,090
  9326. I can prove we're, every
  9327. one of us, the same.
  9328.  
  9329. 2186
  9330. 01:27:08,090 --> 01:27:09,610
  9331. Every single one of us, in the morning,
  9332.  
  9333. 2187
  9334. 01:27:09,610 --> 01:27:11,360
  9335. grabs our phone, hits the news feed,
  9336.  
  9337. 2188
  9338. 01:27:11,360 --> 01:27:14,340
  9339. sees what he says, and says
  9340. exactly what Paul Ryan says.
  9341.  
  9342. 2189
  9343. 01:27:14,340 --> 01:27:15,353
  9344. Fuck!
  9345.  
  9346. 2190
  9347. 01:27:15,353 --> 01:27:18,650
  9348. (audience laughing)
  9349.  
  9350. 2191
  9351. 01:27:18,650 --> 01:27:20,000
  9352. We're all the same.
  9353.  
  9354. 2192
  9355. 01:27:20,000 --> 01:27:21,340
  9356. Every single one of us knows
  9357.  
  9358. 2193
  9359. 01:27:21,340 --> 01:27:23,850
  9360. every time we see Kellyanne
  9361. Conway on the television
  9362.  
  9363. 2194
  9364. 01:27:23,850 --> 01:27:25,500
  9365. that somewhere, she's got a coat
  9366.  
  9367. 2195
  9368. 01:27:25,500 --> 01:27:27,199
  9369. made out of Dalmatian puppies.
  9370.  
  9371. 2196
  9372. 01:27:27,199 --> 01:27:31,239
  9373. (audience laughing)
  9374. (audience applauding)
  9375.  
  9376. 2197
  9377. 01:27:31,239 --> 01:27:32,189
  9378. We're all the same.
  9379.  
  9380. 2198
  9381. 01:27:33,948 --> 01:27:34,781
  9382. There's no difference.
  9383.  
  9384. 2199
  9385. 01:27:34,781 --> 01:27:35,614
  9386. We're all Americans, man.
  9387.  
  9388. 2200
  9389. 01:27:35,614 --> 01:27:38,420
  9390. Everyone in this room
  9391. knows that from space,
  9392.  
  9393. 2201
  9394. 01:27:38,420 --> 01:27:39,940
  9395. Trump's hair looks like Doppler radar
  9396.  
  9397. 2202
  9398. 01:27:39,940 --> 01:27:41,267
  9399. during hurricane season.
  9400.  
  9401. 2203
  9402. 01:27:41,267 --> 01:27:44,919
  9403. (audience laughing)
  9404. (audience whooping)
  9405.  
  9406. 2204
  9407. 01:27:44,919 --> 01:27:47,473
  9408. How do you comb your hair
  9409. over from your neck, man?
  9410.  
  9411. 2205
  9412. 01:27:49,130 --> 01:27:50,073
  9413. It's insane.
  9414.  
  9415. 2206
  9416. 01:27:51,000 --> 01:27:53,450
  9417. We're all the same 'cause
  9418. everybody in this room
  9419.  
  9420. 2207
  9421. 01:27:53,450 --> 01:27:54,740
  9422. whether who you voted for,
  9423.  
  9424. 2208
  9425. 01:27:54,740 --> 01:27:56,060
  9426. when he walked up the stairs that day
  9427.  
  9428. 2209
  9429. 01:27:56,060 --> 01:27:57,613
  9430. and that whole thing went, baa.
  9431.  
  9432. 2210
  9433. 01:27:59,508 --> 01:28:02,047
  9434. We all knew that's a Dr.
  9435. Evil moment, oh my God.
  9436.  
  9437. 2211
  9438. 01:28:03,550 --> 01:28:05,460
  9439. And he's obviously part clam.
  9440.  
  9441. 2212
  9442. 01:28:05,460 --> 01:28:06,513
  9443. What just happened?
  9444.  
  9445. 2213
  9446. 01:28:10,660 --> 01:28:11,700
  9447. So, I want everyone to be cool
  9448.  
  9449. 2214
  9450. 01:28:11,700 --> 01:28:12,660
  9451. with people's mistakes now.
  9452.  
  9453. 2215
  9454. 01:28:12,660 --> 01:28:13,493
  9455. We're all gonna be,
  9456.  
  9457. 2216
  9458. 01:28:13,493 --> 01:28:14,326
  9459. in fact, I'm gonna tell
  9460. you a story right now
  9461.  
  9462. 2217
  9463. 01:28:14,326 --> 01:28:15,520
  9464. about one of the worst mistakes
  9465.  
  9466. 2218
  9467. 01:28:15,520 --> 01:28:17,100
  9468. I have made in the last five years,
  9469.  
  9470. 2219
  9471. 01:28:17,100 --> 01:28:18,280
  9472. and we're gonna laugh about it.
  9473.  
  9474. 2220
  9475. 01:28:18,280 --> 01:28:19,830
  9476. And that's how we're gonna be
  9477. when someone says they voted.
  9478.  
  9479. 2221
  9480. 01:28:19,830 --> 01:28:21,480
  9481. Anyone, next time they
  9482. go, dude, what happened?
  9483.  
  9484. 2222
  9485. 01:28:21,480 --> 01:28:22,470
  9486. I can't believe I did this,
  9487.  
  9488. 2223
  9489. 01:28:22,470 --> 01:28:23,390
  9490. you're not gonna get mad.
  9491.  
  9492. 2224
  9493. 01:28:23,390 --> 01:28:24,513
  9494. You're not gonna be, oh, yeah, fuck you.
  9495.  
  9496. 2225
  9497. 01:28:24,513 --> 01:28:25,630
  9498. He's not my president.
  9499.  
  9500. 2226
  9501. 01:28:25,630 --> 01:28:26,870
  9502. Yeah, you live here, too, fucker.
  9503.  
  9504. 2227
  9505. 01:28:26,870 --> 01:28:27,703
  9506. Yeah, he is.
  9507.  
  9508. 2228
  9509. 01:28:27,703 --> 01:28:29,540
  9510. (audience laughing)
  9511. (audience applauding)
  9512.  
  9513. 2229
  9514. 01:28:29,540 --> 01:28:30,910
  9515. By the way, you don't have to like it,
  9516.  
  9517. 2230
  9518. 01:28:30,910 --> 01:28:31,987
  9519. but we gotta figure out how to fix it,
  9520.  
  9521. 2231
  9522. 01:28:31,987 --> 01:28:34,070
  9523. and the only way that's
  9524. gonna happen is we.
  9525.  
  9526. 2232
  9527. 01:28:34,070 --> 01:28:36,710
  9528. 'Kay, so, I'm gonna tell you a story.
  9529.  
  9530. 2233
  9531. 01:28:36,710 --> 01:28:37,543
  9532. And you guys, it's the worst thing
  9533.  
  9534. 2234
  9535. 01:28:37,543 --> 01:28:38,854
  9536. I did in the last five years.
  9537.  
  9538. 2235
  9539. 01:28:38,854 --> 01:28:42,280
  9540. (clears throat) I started
  9541. drinking when I was 15 years old.
  9542.  
  9543. 2236
  9544. 01:28:42,280 --> 01:28:47,113
  9545. I stop drinking at 17 because
  9546. I fell into a bonfire.
  9547.  
  9548. 2237
  9549. 01:28:47,113 --> 01:28:48,750
  9550. (audience laughing)
  9551.  
  9552. 2238
  9553. 01:28:48,750 --> 01:28:50,155
  9554. Oh, I got really good at drinkin'.
  9555.  
  9556. 2239
  9557. 01:28:50,155 --> 01:28:53,210
  9558. That's gold-medal level, right there.
  9559.  
  9560. 2240
  9561. 01:28:53,210 --> 01:28:54,920
  9562. Alcoholics Anonymous sent me a certificate
  9563.  
  9564. 2241
  9565. 01:28:54,920 --> 01:28:56,003
  9566. that just said wow.
  9567.  
  9568. 2242
  9569. 01:28:57,984 --> 01:29:00,334
  9570. And then under that it
  9571. said, we can't help you.
  9572.  
  9573. 2243
  9574. 01:29:01,180 --> 01:29:03,370
  9575. So, I stop drinking at 17 years old.
  9576.  
  9577. 2244
  9578. 01:29:03,370 --> 01:29:04,290
  9579. I didn't drink again till I hit 41.
  9580.  
  9581. 2245
  9582. 01:29:04,290 --> 01:29:07,110
  9583. I met my new girl, we're
  9584. at dinner one night,
  9585.  
  9586. 2246
  9587. 01:29:07,110 --> 01:29:08,550
  9588. having dinner, and I had water.
  9589.  
  9590. 2247
  9591. 01:29:08,550 --> 01:29:09,700
  9592. And she goes, "How come
  9593. you're not having a drink?"
  9594.  
  9595. 2248
  9596. 01:29:09,700 --> 01:29:12,220
  9597. And I go, 'cause I fell into
  9598. a bonfire when I was 17.
  9599.  
  9600. 2249
  9601. 01:29:12,220 --> 01:29:13,697
  9602. And she goes, "But you're not 17 anymore.
  9603.  
  9604. 2250
  9605. 01:29:13,697 --> 01:29:15,107
  9606. "You're a grown-ass man."
  9607.  
  9608. 2251
  9609. 01:29:16,312 --> 01:29:18,312
  9610. And I thought, wow, you're an alcoholic.
  9611.  
  9612. 2252
  9613. 01:29:21,120 --> 01:29:21,953
  9614. She's said, "No, I'm just saying
  9615.  
  9616. 2253
  9617. 01:29:21,953 --> 01:29:23,397
  9618. "you're not making the
  9619. decision of a child.
  9620.  
  9621. 2254
  9622. 01:29:23,397 --> 01:29:24,690
  9623. "You're a grown man, have a drink."
  9624.  
  9625. 2255
  9626. 01:29:24,690 --> 01:29:26,890
  9627. I go, do you run alcohol
  9628. distribution company?
  9629.  
  9630. 2256
  9631. 01:29:26,890 --> 01:29:28,253
  9632. What is wrong with you?
  9633.  
  9634. 2257
  9635. 01:29:29,110 --> 01:29:30,727
  9636. And then she said, "I'm
  9637. just saying a real man
  9638.  
  9639. 2258
  9640. 01:29:30,727 --> 01:29:31,583
  9641. "would have a drink."
  9642.  
  9643. 2259
  9644. 01:29:31,583 --> 01:29:33,083
  9645. - Whoa!
  9646.  
  9647. 2260
  9648. 01:29:35,210 --> 01:29:37,113
  9649. - She's from Louisiana, I said okay.
  9650.  
  9651. 2261
  9652. 01:29:38,240 --> 01:29:42,129
  9653. And she was showing a lot
  9654. of side boob, so I said yes.
  9655.  
  9656. 2262
  9657. 01:29:42,129 --> 01:29:43,723
  9658. I am only flesh and blood.
  9659.  
  9660. 2263
  9661. 01:29:45,252 --> 01:29:46,085
  9662. And she was right,
  9663.  
  9664. 2264
  9665. 01:29:46,085 --> 01:29:46,918
  9666. I was an older man, different guy,
  9667.  
  9668. 2265
  9669. 01:29:46,918 --> 01:29:47,751
  9670. have a different life.
  9671.  
  9672. 2266
  9673. 01:29:47,751 --> 01:29:48,780
  9674. I had a drink, I'm fine.
  9675.  
  9676. 2267
  9677. 01:29:48,780 --> 01:29:50,200
  9678. I can drink, it's good, everything's fine.
  9679.  
  9680. 2268
  9681. 01:29:50,200 --> 01:29:52,380
  9682. Everything's fine,
  9683. yeah, yeah, I can drink.
  9684.  
  9685. 2269
  9686. 01:29:52,380 --> 01:29:53,213
  9687. But...
  9688.  
  9689. 2270
  9690. 01:29:54,280 --> 01:29:55,770
  9691. Recently, something happened.
  9692.  
  9693. 2271
  9694. 01:29:55,770 --> 01:29:57,430
  9695. And by the way, and I'm
  9696. the worst kind of drunk,
  9697.  
  9698. 2272
  9699. 01:29:57,430 --> 01:29:58,263
  9700. 'cause I'm happy drunk.
  9701.  
  9702. 2273
  9703. 01:29:58,263 --> 01:29:59,870
  9704. You can't piss me off.
  9705.  
  9706. 2274
  9707. 01:29:59,870 --> 01:30:00,720
  9708. We'll be in a bar somewhere,
  9709.  
  9710. 2275
  9711. 01:30:00,720 --> 01:30:02,060
  9712. someone's goin', what
  9713. the hell you lookin' at?
  9714.  
  9715. 2276
  9716. 01:30:02,060 --> 01:30:03,955
  9717. Your hair is amazing.
  9718.  
  9719. 2277
  9720. 01:30:03,955 --> 01:30:06,955
  9721. (audience laughing)
  9722.  
  9723. 2278
  9724. 01:30:08,965 --> 01:30:10,460
  9725. Is that a mousse or a pomade,
  9726.  
  9727. 2279
  9728. 01:30:10,460 --> 01:30:13,023
  9729. 'cause you are beautiful, Brad Pitt.
  9730.  
  9731. 2280
  9732. 01:30:14,515 --> 01:30:15,700
  9733. Oh, you wanna do me, homo?
  9734.  
  9735. 2281
  9736. 01:30:15,700 --> 01:30:17,853
  9737. No, but we can get married legally now.
  9738.  
  9739. 2282
  9740. 01:30:20,853 --> 01:30:22,915
  9741. Hell, I'll even bake you a cake.
  9742.  
  9743. 2283
  9744. 01:30:22,915 --> 01:30:27,915
  9745. (audience applauding)
  9746. (audience whooping)
  9747.  
  9748. 2284
  9749. 01:30:30,895 --> 01:30:33,040
  9750. (drunken laughing) I'm
  9751. gonna need a couple more
  9752.  
  9753. 2285
  9754. 01:30:33,040 --> 01:30:33,890
  9755. of these, though,
  9756.  
  9757. 2286
  9758. 01:30:34,990 --> 01:30:37,003
  9759. 'cause I know my mouth is gorgeous.
  9760.  
  9761. 2287
  9762. 01:30:39,870 --> 01:30:41,687
  9763. I'm the guy, when people
  9764. are dragging me out
  9765.  
  9766. 2288
  9767. 01:30:41,687 --> 01:30:42,520
  9768. and I'm laughing at 'em,
  9769.  
  9770. 2289
  9771. 01:30:42,520 --> 01:30:43,830
  9772. I'm like, what, we're just talking.
  9773.  
  9774. 2290
  9775. 01:30:43,830 --> 01:30:44,740
  9776. No, he's gonna kill you.
  9777.  
  9778. 2291
  9779. 01:30:44,740 --> 01:30:46,140
  9780. Why? What?
  9781.  
  9782. 2292
  9783. 01:30:46,140 --> 01:30:46,973
  9784. Is he mad?
  9785.  
  9786. 2293
  9787. 01:30:46,973 --> 01:30:48,020
  9788. Come on, gimme a hug.
  9789.  
  9790. 2294
  9791. 01:30:48,020 --> 01:30:48,880
  9792. Come on, it's okay.
  9793.  
  9794. 2295
  9795. 01:30:48,880 --> 01:30:50,512
  9796. Here, hug it out.
  9797.  
  9798. 2296
  9799. 01:30:50,512 --> 01:30:52,262
  9800. Let's all hug it out.
  9801.  
  9802. 2297
  9803. 01:30:54,710 --> 01:30:56,860
  9804. I'm a pain in the ass,
  9805. dude, I'm the worst.
  9806.  
  9807. 2298
  9808. 01:30:58,200 --> 01:30:59,680
  9809. So, you know, I can
  9810. drink, everything's fine.
  9811.  
  9812. 2299
  9813. 01:30:59,680 --> 01:31:02,510
  9814. So I got, but I got one, okay.
  9815.  
  9816. 2300
  9817. 01:31:02,510 --> 01:31:05,550
  9818. So, a while back, I got home
  9819. from one of my road gigs
  9820.  
  9821. 2301
  9822. 01:31:05,550 --> 01:31:07,330
  9823. and on Monday I take the
  9824. day off and I watch my shows
  9825.  
  9826. 2302
  9827. 01:31:07,330 --> 01:31:08,183
  9828. on my DVR.
  9829.  
  9830. 2303
  9831. 01:31:08,183 --> 01:31:10,590
  9832. I was watching Street
  9833. Outlaws, or whatever it is.
  9834.  
  9835. 2304
  9836. 01:31:10,590 --> 01:31:12,173
  9837. And I had three glasses of wine.
  9838.  
  9839. 2305
  9840. 01:31:12,173 --> 01:31:13,100
  9841. I had three, I had three.
  9842.  
  9843. 2306
  9844. 01:31:13,100 --> 01:31:15,839
  9845. I poured a whole bottle
  9846. into three glasses of wine.
  9847.  
  9848. 2307
  9849. 01:31:15,839 --> 01:31:17,486
  9850. (audience laughing)
  9851.  
  9852. 2308
  9853. 01:31:17,486 --> 01:31:20,504
  9854. (audience applauding)
  9855.  
  9856. 2309
  9857. 01:31:20,504 --> 01:31:21,730
  9858. And I drank it over three hours,
  9859.  
  9860. 2310
  9861. 01:31:21,730 --> 01:31:23,823
  9862. he says to justify his behavior.
  9863.  
  9864. 2311
  9865. 01:31:26,315 --> 01:31:27,670
  9866. I got done drinking, it was
  9867. three hours, I remembered.
  9868.  
  9869. 2312
  9870. 01:31:27,670 --> 01:31:29,115
  9871. I went upstairs and my
  9872. wife was already in bed.
  9873.  
  9874. 2313
  9875. 01:31:29,115 --> 01:31:29,948
  9876. And I get in bed.
  9877.  
  9878. 2314
  9879. 01:31:29,948 --> 01:31:31,657
  9880. She goes, "Hey, your
  9881. throat sounds kinda raspy.
  9882.  
  9883. 2315
  9884. 01:31:31,657 --> 01:31:33,688
  9885. "I want you to take this Benadryl."
  9886.  
  9887. 2316
  9888. 01:31:33,688 --> 01:31:34,521
  9889. - Oh.
  9890.  
  9891. 2317
  9892. 01:31:34,521 --> 01:31:36,190
  9893. - I didn't know this part, see?
  9894.  
  9895. 2318
  9896. 01:31:36,190 --> 01:31:37,330
  9897. This is the part.
  9898.  
  9899. 2319
  9900. 01:31:37,330 --> 01:31:38,710
  9901. I don't take medication.
  9902.  
  9903. 2320
  9904. 01:31:38,710 --> 01:31:41,520
  9905. I did not know that wine
  9906. plus wine, plus wine,
  9907.  
  9908. 2321
  9909. 01:31:41,520 --> 01:31:44,413
  9910. plus Benadryl equals oh my God, no.
  9911.  
  9912. 2322
  9913. 01:31:44,413 --> 01:31:47,037
  9914. (audience laughing)
  9915.  
  9916. 2323
  9917. 01:31:47,037 --> 01:31:49,266
  9918. And that's the second math
  9919. joke I have ever written.
  9920.  
  9921. 2324
  9922. 01:31:49,266 --> 01:31:50,592
  9923. (audience cheering)
  9924.  
  9925. 2325
  9926. 01:31:50,592 --> 01:31:55,592
  9927. Thank you.
  9928.  
  9929. 2326
  9930. 01:31:56,380 --> 01:31:57,780
  9931. So, I took the Benadryl 'cause I love her.
  9932.  
  9933. 2327
  9934. 01:31:57,780 --> 01:32:00,330
  9935. Well, she can just hand
  9936. me anything, take this.
  9937.  
  9938. 2328
  9939. 01:32:00,330 --> 01:32:02,670
  9940. Okay. (vocal burbling)
  9941.  
  9942. 2329
  9943. 01:32:02,670 --> 01:32:03,913
  9944. Why am I foaming now?
  9945.  
  9946. 2330
  9947. 01:32:05,301 --> 01:32:06,280
  9948. She's just counting money.
  9949.  
  9950. 2331
  9951. 01:32:06,280 --> 01:32:07,380
  9952. No reason, keep going.
  9953.  
  9954. 2332
  9955. 01:32:09,570 --> 01:32:11,590
  9956. People, I took that
  9957. Benadryl after that wine.
  9958.  
  9959. 2333
  9960. 01:32:11,590 --> 01:32:14,543
  9961. I slept like I have
  9962. never slept in my life.
  9963.  
  9964. 2334
  9965. 01:32:16,370 --> 01:32:18,013
  9966. Almost went into the light.
  9967.  
  9968. 2335
  9969. 01:32:20,660 --> 01:32:23,580
  9970. Woke up the next morning like
  9971. I had a blood transfusion
  9972.  
  9973. 2336
  9974. 01:32:23,580 --> 01:32:25,140
  9975. like I feel incredible!
  9976.  
  9977. 2337
  9978. 01:32:25,140 --> 01:32:27,150
  9979. This must be what Oprah
  9980. and Keith Richards do.
  9981.  
  9982. 2338
  9983. 01:32:27,150 --> 01:32:29,243
  9984. This is incredible, woo!
  9985.  
  9986. 2339
  9987. 01:32:30,940 --> 01:32:33,340
  9988. But my house was weird.
  9989.  
  9990. 2340
  9991. 01:32:33,340 --> 01:32:34,960
  9992. Like, my wife woke up, she was grumpy,
  9993.  
  9994. 2341
  9995. 01:32:34,960 --> 01:32:35,989
  9996. but she wakes up grumpy sometimes.
  9997.  
  9998. 2342
  9999. 01:32:35,989 --> 01:32:36,822
  10000. I didn't think about that,
  10001.  
  10002. 2343
  10003. 01:32:36,822 --> 01:32:38,190
  10004. but my dogs were inconsistent
  10005.  
  10006. 2344
  10007. 01:32:38,190 --> 01:32:39,160
  10008. and my dogs are very constant.
  10009.  
  10010. 2345
  10011. 01:32:39,160 --> 01:32:40,270
  10012. Every morning, I wake up,
  10013.  
  10014. 2346
  10015. 01:32:40,270 --> 01:32:42,658
  10016. my older dog just face
  10017. rapes me for five minutes.
  10018.  
  10019. 2347
  10020. 01:32:42,658 --> 01:32:44,330
  10021. That's what he does.
  10022.  
  10023. 2348
  10024. 01:32:44,330 --> 01:32:45,790
  10025. This morning, though, he was sitting
  10026.  
  10027. 2349
  10028. 01:32:45,790 --> 01:32:47,560
  10029. at the end of the bed as
  10030. far as he could get away
  10031.  
  10032. 2350
  10033. 01:32:47,560 --> 01:32:48,493
  10034. from me, going.
  10035.  
  10036. 2351
  10037. 01:32:50,560 --> 01:32:52,240
  10038. Our younger dog, who's the dark soul,
  10039.  
  10040. 2352
  10041. 01:32:52,240 --> 01:32:54,463
  10042. he listens to Nine Inch
  10043. Nails all the time,
  10044.  
  10045. 2353
  10046. 01:32:55,350 --> 01:32:56,710
  10047. usually under the bed shivering.
  10048.  
  10049. 2354
  10050. 01:32:56,710 --> 01:32:58,550
  10051. This morning, however,
  10052. he's bouncing all over me
  10053.  
  10054. 2355
  10055. 01:32:58,550 --> 01:33:00,680
  10056. like whatever I did last, we were buddies,
  10057.  
  10058. 2356
  10059. 01:33:00,680 --> 01:33:01,900
  10060. gonna hang out in the smoking area
  10061.  
  10062. 2357
  10063. 01:33:01,900 --> 01:33:04,433
  10064. and carve our initials in our arm.
  10065.  
  10066. 2358
  10067. 01:33:05,347 --> 01:33:06,190
  10068. I didn't think anything of it.
  10069.  
  10070. 2359
  10071. 01:33:06,190 --> 01:33:07,490
  10072. I just went about my day.
  10073.  
  10074. 2360
  10075. 01:33:07,490 --> 01:33:09,070
  10076. And my wife didn't say anything to me,
  10077.  
  10078. 2361
  10079. 01:33:09,070 --> 01:33:10,810
  10080. but instead, as I'm going about my day,
  10081.  
  10082. 2362
  10083. 01:33:10,810 --> 01:33:13,570
  10084. she started to noise me into an argument.
  10085.  
  10086. 2363
  10087. 01:33:13,570 --> 01:33:14,630
  10088. Oh yeah, (stammering).
  10089.  
  10090. 2364
  10091. 01:33:14,630 --> 01:33:16,310
  10092. She wouldn't say anything,
  10093. but I get my coffee,
  10094.  
  10095. 2365
  10096. 01:33:16,310 --> 01:33:17,480
  10097. I'm walkin' down the hall,
  10098. and as she goes by me,
  10099.  
  10100. 2366
  10101. 01:33:17,480 --> 01:33:18,500
  10102. she goes, (loud grumbling sighing).
  10103.  
  10104. 2367
  10105. 01:33:21,890 --> 01:33:24,333
  10106. You should know what I'm doing right now.
  10107.  
  10108. 2368
  10109. 01:33:27,657 --> 01:33:28,797
  10110. 'Cause I walked past her two hours later
  10111.  
  10112. 2369
  10113. 01:33:28,797 --> 01:33:31,087
  10114. and she just went, "Wow."
  10115.  
  10116. 2370
  10117. 01:33:34,519 --> 01:33:35,352
  10118. And I'm not biting.
  10119.  
  10120. 2371
  10121. 01:33:35,352 --> 01:33:36,450
  10122. I know what's coming, I'm not gonna bite.
  10123.  
  10124. 2372
  10125. 01:33:36,450 --> 01:33:37,577
  10126. I just keep ignoring her.
  10127.  
  10128. 2373
  10129. 01:33:37,577 --> 01:33:38,717
  10130. And two hours later, she walks past me
  10131.  
  10132. 2374
  10133. 01:33:38,717 --> 01:33:41,437
  10134. and she just goes, "Unbelievable!"
  10135.  
  10136. 2375
  10137. 01:33:42,409 --> 01:33:43,242
  10138. What?
  10139.  
  10140. 2376
  10141. 01:33:45,000 --> 01:33:46,057
  10142. And she whips on me and she goes,
  10143.  
  10144. 2377
  10145. 01:33:46,057 --> 01:33:47,850
  10146. "Do you know what you did last night?"
  10147.  
  10148. 2378
  10149. 01:33:47,850 --> 01:33:49,290
  10150. And that sentence is never followed
  10151.  
  10152. 2379
  10153. 01:33:49,290 --> 01:33:51,572
  10154. by, you saved a baby from a fire.
  10155.  
  10156. 2380
  10157. 01:33:51,572 --> 01:33:54,970
  10158. (audience applauding)
  10159. (audience laughing)
  10160.  
  10161. 2381
  10162. 01:33:54,970 --> 01:33:56,720
  10163. You cured cancer, filed a patent,
  10164.  
  10165. 2382
  10166. 01:33:56,720 --> 01:33:57,840
  10167. and we never have to work again.
  10168.  
  10169. 2383
  10170. 01:33:57,840 --> 01:33:59,733
  10171. That's what you did last night!
  10172.  
  10173. 2384
  10174. 01:34:01,520 --> 01:34:03,740
  10175. So, I sat down on the edge of the bed
  10176.  
  10177. 2385
  10178. 01:34:05,910 --> 01:34:08,510
  10179. 'cause I'd heard that
  10180. sentence before when I was 17,
  10181.  
  10182. 2386
  10183. 01:34:09,890 --> 01:34:13,230
  10184. and I said, no, what did I do last night?
  10185.  
  10186. 2387
  10187. 01:34:13,230 --> 01:34:14,063
  10188. And she said, "You were sleeping
  10189.  
  10190. 2388
  10191. 01:34:14,063 --> 01:34:15,180
  10192. "like I've never seen you sleep."
  10193.  
  10194. 2389
  10195. 01:34:15,180 --> 01:34:16,593
  10196. And I said, I remember that.
  10197.  
  10198. 2390
  10199. 01:34:19,480 --> 01:34:21,337
  10200. She said, "About three a.m, you got up
  10201.  
  10202. 2391
  10203. 01:34:21,337 --> 01:34:22,589
  10204. "to go to the bathroom."
  10205.  
  10206. 2392
  10207. 01:34:22,589 --> 01:34:24,440
  10208. (audience chuckling)
  10209.  
  10210. 2393
  10211. 01:34:24,440 --> 01:34:26,740
  10212. You shouldn't be that
  10213. far ahead of me on this.
  10214.  
  10215. 2394
  10216. 01:34:31,677 --> 01:34:33,377
  10217. "You got up to go to the bathroom.
  10218.  
  10219. 2395
  10220. 01:34:34,837 --> 01:34:36,483
  10221. "walked into the closet,
  10222.  
  10223. 2396
  10224. 01:34:41,477 --> 01:34:45,923
  10225. "opened your pants, then
  10226. opened your pajama drawer,
  10227.  
  10228. 2397
  10229. 01:34:48,577 --> 01:34:49,847
  10230. "and filled it."
  10231.  
  10232. 2398
  10233. 01:34:54,381 --> 01:34:56,070
  10234. And I said, with what?
  10235.  
  10236. 2399
  10237. 01:34:58,839 --> 01:35:01,439
  10238. Because I didn't want the
  10239. dogs to have one up on me.
  10240.  
  10241. 2400
  10242. 01:35:04,210 --> 01:35:06,367
  10243. She said, "Then you pulled up your pants,
  10244.  
  10245. 2401
  10246. 01:35:06,367 --> 01:35:09,807
  10247. "closed your pajama drawer, and flushed it
  10248.  
  10249. 2402
  10250. 01:35:09,807 --> 01:35:12,080
  10251. "by flicking off the light switch."
  10252.  
  10253. 2403
  10254. 01:35:12,080 --> 01:35:17,080
  10255. (audience laughing) (audience applauding)
  10256.  
  10257. 2404
  10258. 01:35:22,282 --> 01:35:25,270
  10259. I peed in my pajama drawer.
  10260.  
  10261. 2405
  10262. 01:35:25,270 --> 01:35:26,790
  10263. Now, I know a lot of
  10264. you are more weirded out
  10265.  
  10266. 2406
  10267. 01:35:26,790 --> 01:35:28,190
  10268. that I have a pajama drawer,
  10269.  
  10270. 2407
  10271. 01:35:30,630 --> 01:35:32,520
  10272. but my wife loves Jimmy Stewart,
  10273.  
  10274. 2408
  10275. 01:35:32,520 --> 01:35:34,120
  10276. and she likes me to sleep silky.
  10277.  
  10278. 2409
  10279. 01:35:36,240 --> 01:35:37,873
  10280. Our safe word is Harvey.
  10281.  
  10282. 2410
  10283. 01:35:39,250 --> 01:35:42,417
  10284. (audience applauding)
  10285.  
  10286. 2411
  10287. 01:35:45,645 --> 01:35:46,610
  10288. I made a dumb mistake.
  10289.  
  10290. 2412
  10291. 01:35:46,610 --> 01:35:48,550
  10292. It's a dumb mistake,
  10293. it was a dumb mistake.
  10294.  
  10295. 2413
  10296. 01:35:48,550 --> 01:35:49,900
  10297. So, next times, you liberals,
  10298.  
  10299. 2414
  10300. 01:35:49,900 --> 01:35:51,064
  10301. one sitting next to you, Trump people go,
  10302.  
  10303. 2415
  10304. 01:35:51,064 --> 01:35:52,190
  10305. God, I voted for this guy, and man,
  10306.  
  10307. 2416
  10308. 01:35:52,190 --> 01:35:53,430
  10309. he's just not living up to it.
  10310.  
  10311. 2417
  10312. 01:35:53,430 --> 01:35:54,680
  10313. I wish I hadn't voted for him.
  10314.  
  10315. 2418
  10316. 01:35:54,680 --> 01:35:55,513
  10317. Don't get in their face.
  10318.  
  10319. 2419
  10320. 01:35:55,513 --> 01:35:57,090
  10321. Just go, that's okay, you
  10322. peed in your pajama drawer.
  10323.  
  10324. 2420
  10325. 01:35:57,090 --> 01:35:58,253
  10326. It's all right.
  10327.  
  10328. 2421
  10329. 01:36:00,911 --> 01:36:02,120
  10330. But here's how we can save America,
  10331.  
  10332. 2422
  10333. 01:36:02,120 --> 01:36:05,620
  10334. if we can just get rid of the
  10335. confidently-stupid people.
  10336.  
  10337. 2423
  10338. 01:36:05,620 --> 01:36:06,730
  10339. I'm not talking about normal stupid,
  10340.  
  10341. 2424
  10342. 01:36:06,730 --> 01:36:07,743
  10343. or don't know and are trying,
  10344.  
  10345. 2425
  10346. 01:36:07,743 --> 01:36:09,090
  10347. I talking about the people that don't know
  10348.  
  10349. 2426
  10350. 01:36:09,090 --> 01:36:11,050
  10351. and are proud they don't
  10352. know, and think they know.
  10353.  
  10354. 2427
  10355. 01:36:11,050 --> 01:36:12,340
  10356. You know the people I'm talking about?
  10357.  
  10358. 2428
  10359. 01:36:12,340 --> 01:36:13,173
  10360. People that just yell at you.
  10361.  
  10362. 2429
  10363. 01:36:13,173 --> 01:36:14,050
  10364. You give 'em a fact, they're like,
  10365.  
  10366. 2430
  10367. 01:36:14,050 --> 01:36:15,640
  10368. I don't believe that.
  10369.  
  10370. 2431
  10371. 01:36:15,640 --> 01:36:18,580
  10372. Well, it doesn't care what
  10373. you believe, it's a fact.
  10374.  
  10375. 2432
  10376. 01:36:18,580 --> 01:36:19,840
  10377. Where'd you get that fact?
  10378.  
  10379. 2433
  10380. 01:36:19,840 --> 01:36:20,803
  10381. NASA.
  10382.  
  10383. 2434
  10384. 01:36:22,240 --> 01:36:24,390
  10385. NASA, a bunch of nerds,
  10386. and geeks, and elites.
  10387.  
  10388. 2435
  10389. 01:36:24,390 --> 01:36:25,223
  10390. 'Cause that's what stupid people do.
  10391.  
  10392. 2436
  10393. 01:36:25,223 --> 01:36:26,950
  10394. Instead of just taking five minutes
  10395.  
  10396. 2437
  10397. 01:36:26,950 --> 01:36:28,560
  10398. to look it up, they came up with the words
  10399.  
  10400. 2438
  10401. 01:36:28,560 --> 01:36:30,000
  10402. to make fun of smart people.
  10403.  
  10404. 2439
  10405. 01:36:30,000 --> 01:36:33,436
  10406. You know, words like
  10407. nerd, and geek, homeowner.
  10408.  
  10409. 2440
  10410. 01:36:33,436 --> 01:36:36,436
  10411. (audience laughing)
  10412.  
  10413. 2441
  10414. 01:36:38,177 --> 01:36:39,760
  10415. Elite, the damn elites running it.
  10416.  
  10417. 2442
  10418. 01:36:39,760 --> 01:36:41,430
  10419. And I was on the elite boat for a minute.
  10420.  
  10421. 2443
  10422. 01:36:41,430 --> 01:36:42,760
  10423. During the election, I was
  10424. like, yeah, the elites!
  10425.  
  10426. 2444
  10427. 01:36:42,760 --> 01:36:44,660
  10428. Then I looked up what elite means.
  10429.  
  10430. 2445
  10431. 01:36:44,660 --> 01:36:45,630
  10432. You know what elite means?
  10433.  
  10434. 2446
  10435. 01:36:45,630 --> 01:36:47,310
  10436. It means best of the best.
  10437.  
  10438. 2447
  10439. 01:36:47,310 --> 01:36:50,070
  10440. Elite means you're better than
  10441. almost anybody at your job.
  10442.  
  10443. 2448
  10444. 01:36:50,070 --> 01:36:51,130
  10445. If you're elite at what you do,
  10446.  
  10447. 2449
  10448. 01:36:51,130 --> 01:36:52,530
  10449. you're in the top 5%.
  10450.  
  10451. 2450
  10452. 01:36:52,530 --> 01:36:53,930
  10453. That's who I want running shit,
  10454.  
  10455. 2451
  10456. 01:36:53,930 --> 01:36:56,633
  10457. not somebody who owned a beauty pageant.
  10458.  
  10459. 2452
  10460. 01:36:56,633 --> 01:36:59,404
  10461. (audience applauding)
  10462. (audience cheering)
  10463.  
  10464. 2453
  10465. 01:36:59,404 --> 01:37:01,070
  10466. Sorry.
  10467.  
  10468. 2454
  10469. 01:37:01,070 --> 01:37:03,250
  10470. Do you know why?
  10471.  
  10472. 2455
  10473. 01:37:03,250 --> 01:37:04,740
  10474. 'Cause every man on the planet
  10475.  
  10476. 2456
  10477. 01:37:04,740 --> 01:37:07,313
  10478. when it comes to boobs
  10479. and butts is pretty elite,
  10480.  
  10481. 2457
  10482. 01:37:08,970 --> 01:37:11,820
  10483. but I wouldn't trust one of
  10484. you bitches with the economy.
  10485.  
  10486. 2458
  10487. 01:37:13,479 --> 01:37:15,290
  10488. - Yeah!
  10489.  
  10490. 2459
  10491. 01:37:15,290 --> 01:37:16,970
  10492. - I don't like the confidently-stupid.
  10493.  
  10494. 2460
  10495. 01:37:16,970 --> 01:37:17,803
  10496. And do you know how hard it is
  10497.  
  10498. 2461
  10499. 01:37:17,803 --> 01:37:19,397
  10500. to be stupid and not know in 2018?
  10501.  
  10502. 2462
  10503. 01:37:19,397 --> 01:37:21,700
  10504. One time, it was being the smartest mammal
  10505.  
  10506. 2463
  10507. 01:37:21,700 --> 01:37:22,533
  10508. to walk the planet.
  10509.  
  10510. 2464
  10511. 01:37:22,533 --> 01:37:24,810
  10512. Every single one of us down
  10513. to the dumbest person in here
  10514.  
  10515. 2465
  10516. 01:37:24,810 --> 01:37:26,190
  10517. has one of these phones,
  10518.  
  10519. 2466
  10520. 01:37:26,190 --> 01:37:28,410
  10521. and in that phone, clickety-clack,
  10522.  
  10523. 2467
  10524. 01:37:28,410 --> 01:37:31,130
  10525. is every piece of information
  10526.  
  10527. 2468
  10528. 01:37:31,130 --> 01:37:33,250
  10529. from the beginning of recorded history,
  10530.  
  10531. 2469
  10532. 01:37:33,250 --> 01:37:36,493
  10533. and it's four inches from
  10534. your butt hole, all day long,
  10535.  
  10536. 2470
  10537. 01:37:37,770 --> 01:37:40,063
  10538. and you still found time to be a dumbass?
  10539.  
  10540. 2471
  10541. 01:37:41,260 --> 01:37:43,450
  10542. The gas pumps at the, have a screen
  10543.  
  10544. 2472
  10545. 01:37:43,450 --> 01:37:45,440
  10546. pumping new information
  10547. while you're pumping gas,
  10548.  
  10549. 2473
  10550. 01:37:45,440 --> 01:37:46,450
  10551. and you're still stupid?
  10552.  
  10553. 2474
  10554. 01:37:46,450 --> 01:37:47,500
  10555. How is that possible?
  10556.  
  10557. 2475
  10558. 01:37:50,270 --> 01:37:53,330
  10559. Stupid people must just get
  10560. home tired every day, you know?
  10561.  
  10562. 2476
  10563. 01:37:53,330 --> 01:37:55,250
  10564. 'Cause it's so hard to be stupid now.
  10565.  
  10566. 2477
  10567. 01:37:55,250 --> 01:37:56,640
  10568. Your wife goes, what's the matter, hon?
  10569.  
  10570. 2478
  10571. 01:37:56,640 --> 01:37:57,780
  10572. Oh, babe, I'm so beat.
  10573.  
  10574. 2479
  10575. 01:37:57,780 --> 01:37:59,450
  10576. Today was rough, I had
  10577. to walk to the world
  10578.  
  10579. 2480
  10580. 01:37:59,450 --> 01:38:01,490
  10581. avoiding truth, and knowledge, and facts.
  10582.  
  10583. 2481
  10584. 01:38:01,490 --> 01:38:03,860
  10585. Oh, yeah. it was horrible.
  10586.  
  10587. 2482
  10588. 01:38:03,860 --> 01:38:05,530
  10589. Thank God you put that song on my iPod.
  10590.  
  10591. 2483
  10592. 01:38:05,530 --> 01:38:07,760
  10593. La-la-la-la-la-la-la-la.
  10594.  
  10595. 2484
  10596. 01:38:07,760 --> 01:38:08,593
  10597. That was great.
  10598.  
  10599. 2485
  10600. 01:38:08,593 --> 01:38:09,950
  10601. I just don't wanna think anymore, babe.
  10602.  
  10603. 2486
  10604. 01:38:09,950 --> 01:38:11,210
  10605. I just wanna turn my brain off.
  10606.  
  10607. 2487
  10608. 01:38:11,210 --> 01:38:13,223
  10609. Put on Fox News, please, put on Fox.
  10610.  
  10611. 2488
  10612. 01:38:14,542 --> 01:38:15,684
  10613. Please put on Fox News.
  10614.  
  10615. 2489
  10616. 01:38:15,684 --> 01:38:20,480
  10617. (audience applauding)
  10618. (audience whooping)
  10619.  
  10620. 2490
  10621. 01:38:20,480 --> 01:38:22,160
  10622. Quick fact for you people that thinkin'
  10623.  
  10624. 2491
  10625. 01:38:22,160 --> 01:38:24,530
  10626. this lib-tard snowflake,
  10627. thinking anything like that.
  10628.  
  10629. 2492
  10630. 01:38:24,530 --> 01:38:27,180
  10631. Fox News was proven,
  10632. after a fact check on 'em
  10633.  
  10634. 2493
  10635. 01:38:27,180 --> 01:38:29,163
  10636. to be 17% accurate.
  10637.  
  10638. 2494
  10639. 01:38:30,810 --> 01:38:32,990
  10640. CNN's only 73%, but 17?
  10641.  
  10642. 2495
  10643. 01:38:32,990 --> 01:38:34,097
  10644. Damn, I did better than that in school
  10645.  
  10646. 2496
  10647. 01:38:34,097 --> 01:38:35,931
  10648. and I got four Fs and a D.
  10649.  
  10650. 2497
  10651. 01:38:35,931 --> 01:38:38,374
  10652. (audience applauding)
  10653.  
  10654. 2498
  10655. 01:38:38,374 --> 01:38:40,830
  10656. (audience whistling)
  10657.  
  10658. 2499
  10659. 01:38:40,830 --> 01:38:43,970
  10660. Fox News is like the Tofurky of news
  10661.  
  10662. 2500
  10663. 01:38:45,610 --> 01:38:47,030
  10664. 'cause it's not what it says it is,
  10665.  
  10666. 2501
  10667. 01:38:47,030 --> 01:38:48,500
  10668. but I like Fox for a lot of reasons,
  10669.  
  10670. 2502
  10671. 01:38:48,500 --> 01:38:50,660
  10672. 'cause as a older gentleman, I know
  10673.  
  10674. 2503
  10675. 01:38:50,660 --> 01:38:52,198
  10676. where to get a comfortable catheter.
  10677.  
  10678. 2504
  10679. 01:38:52,198 --> 01:38:55,198
  10680. (audience laughing)
  10681.  
  10682. 2505
  10683. 01:38:56,300 --> 01:38:58,743
  10684. Don't need it yet, I'm
  10685. waiting for a coupon.
  10686.  
  10687. 2506
  10688. 01:39:01,040 --> 01:39:02,270
  10689. Do you guys know the
  10690. people I'm talking about,
  10691.  
  10692. 2507
  10693. 01:39:02,270 --> 01:39:04,030
  10694. the confidently stupid, that are just so,
  10695.  
  10696. 2508
  10697. 01:39:04,030 --> 01:39:05,330
  10698. like, they don't have any
  10699. facts but they're loud about it
  10700.  
  10701. 2509
  10702. 01:39:05,330 --> 01:39:07,160
  10703. so everyone just backs off?
  10704.  
  10705. 2510
  10706. 01:39:07,160 --> 01:39:08,580
  10707. Yeah, I know, I know.
  10708.  
  10709. 2511
  10710. 01:39:08,580 --> 01:39:12,490
  10711. 98% of climatologists
  10712. say climate change exists
  10713.  
  10714. 2512
  10715. 01:39:12,490 --> 01:39:16,197
  10716. but 2% say it don't, so
  10717. that makes it inconclusive.
  10718.  
  10719. 2513
  10720. 01:39:16,197 --> 01:39:19,197
  10721. (audience laughing)
  10722.  
  10723. 2514
  10724. 01:39:20,606 --> 01:39:21,646
  10725. Okay.
  10726.  
  10727. 2515
  10728. 01:39:21,646 --> 01:39:25,478
  10729. So, if I'm 98% inside your girlfriend
  10730.  
  10731. 2516
  10732. 01:39:25,478 --> 01:39:27,741
  10733. (audience whooping)
  10734.  
  10735. 2517
  10736. 01:39:27,741 --> 01:39:30,908
  10737. (audience applauding)
  10738.  
  10739. 2518
  10740. 01:39:34,100 --> 01:39:39,100
  10741. is she cheating on you
  10742. or is it inconclusive?
  10743.  
  10744. 2519
  10745. 01:39:40,890 --> 01:39:43,853
  10746. Either way, I believe
  10747. you've been disenfranchised.
  10748.  
  10749. 2520
  10750. 01:39:43,853 --> 01:39:45,783
  10751. (audience applauding)
  10752. (audience cheering)
  10753.  
  10754. 2521
  10755. 01:39:45,783 --> 01:39:47,883
  10756. Thank you very much.
  10757.  
  10758. 2522
  10759. 01:39:47,883 --> 01:39:49,443
  10760. Thank you, very much.
  10761.  
  10762. 2523
  10763. 01:39:49,443 --> 01:39:50,663
  10764. Fix this bitch!
  10765.  
  10766. 2524
  10767. 01:39:50,663 --> 01:39:51,973
  10768. Fix this bitch!
  10769.  
  10770. 2525
  10771. 01:39:51,973 --> 01:39:53,234
  10772. - Fix this bitch!
  10773.  
  10774. 2526
  10775. 01:39:53,234 --> 01:39:54,535
  10776. Fix this bitch!
  10777.  
  10778. 2527
  10779. 01:39:54,535 --> 01:39:55,863
  10780. Fix this bitch!
  10781.  
  10782. 2528
  10783. 01:39:55,863 --> 01:39:57,103
  10784. Fix this bitch!
  10785.  
  10786. 2529
  10787. 01:39:57,103 --> 01:39:58,791
  10788. - Goodnight, everybody,
  10789. thank you very much!
  10790.  
  10791. 2530
  10792. 01:39:58,791 --> 01:40:03,791
  10793. (rock version of "The
  10794. Star-Spangled Banner")
  10795.  
  10796. 2531
  10797. 01:40:05,469 --> 01:40:06,871
  10798. See you guys again!
  10799.  
  10800. 2532
  10801. 01:40:06,871 --> 01:40:08,119
  10802. Thank you, so much!
  10803.  
  10804. 2533
  10805. 01:40:08,119 --> 01:40:08,952
  10806. Goodnight.
  10807.  
  10808. 2534
  10809. 01:40:15,775 --> 01:40:16,608
  10810. Bye, guys.
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