Works Every Time

Swindle, April 23, 2014; 17:31 / FB 20857
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Works Every Time

So you're a fluffy owner. You have two fluffies, a blue earthie stallion with tan mane and tail named Smurf, and a purple pegasus mare with hot pink mane and tail named Poofy because of the abundant fluff she had as a foal.

Smurf is pretty chill, loves to hang out with you and watch tv, never asks for spaghetti, never fights or complains when you bathe him (he still hates bath time though), and has never pooped outside the litter box since he was a foal. He's your little buddy.

Poofy, on the other hand, while not a brat, is more of a handful. She tries to hide or run away when it's bath time, she always begs you for spaghetti at dinner, has an accident once every other week (and after some investigation, you decided they were genuine accidents and not done with malice aforethought; she's just too stupid to make it to the litter box in time every time.), and sheds like crazy. You've banned the fluffies from ever entering your bedroom and you still found purple hair stuck to your clean clothes until you started hanging them in plastic zipper bags. You have to vacuum every day just to deal with Poofy's shedding. The only time Smurf ever sheds is when he's changing from his thick winter coat to his thinner summer fluff, and he doesn't do it nearly as much as Poofy. Poofy is also much chattier than Smurf and doesn't always know when she needs to shut up or not bug you about something.

That said, she's still a good fluffy, not one of those nightmare cases you always hear about on the internet. Your neighbor's stallion, Elroy, was such a demanding asshole that shit everywhere but in his litter box, that your neighbor couldn't decide whether to put him up for adoption or snap his neck. You suggested having him gelded since that seems to fix a lot of behavior problems in stallions. Your neighbor instead opted to have electrodes hooked up to Elroy's balls. Now every time Elroy pisses him off by being a selfish shithead, he pushes a button he keeps on his key fob and Elroy gets 90 volts to his balls. You can hear the shrieking from inside your house, even with the windows shut. Fortunately, Elroy seems to be learning, since you only hear screams of agony once every other day or so rather than five or six times a day like he was at first. You're glad you don't have that sort of behavioral issue with your fluffies.

You do, however, have another problem.

Poofy wants babies, badly. She spotted a mummah with foals at the fluffy park and spent an hour playing with the foals, and she's been obsessed with having babies ever since. She begs you for babies at least once a day, but always politely and she drops it as soon as you tell her no. But she still asks every day, regular as clockwork.

Smurf wants babies too, but he never asks for them. You just asked what he thought of having babies and he spent twenty minutes telling you what a good daddy he'd be and how he'd help care for Poofy while she had 'tummeh babbehs' and take care of the babies and teach them how to be good fluffies (most of his emphasis was on using the litter box; he really hates 'bad poopies' and goes into a crying fit whenever Poofy has her accidents.).

You're not opposed to their having foals either, though you were at first. You've got friends who would love to adopt one, and any you can't find homes for you can sell to a pet shop (no shelters; you saw first hand how bad they were when you adopted Poofy, and you suspect that's the main reason she's more high-maintenance than Smurf, who you got from a high-end pet store).

The problem is, Poofy absolutely refuses to have special huggies. One of the volunteers at the shelter you got her from was, apparently, some sort of religious fanatic who thought sex was a sin. He caught two fluffies doing the nasty in the play pen and beat both of them nearly to death, then spent every day brainwashing the fluffies that 'special huggies' was bad and they would all be punished by bad, scary monsters if they ever had special huggies. Well, maybe he wasn't a religious nut and was just trying to do his part to keep the feral population down. You'll never know.

So, Poofy keeps annoying you for babies, and Smurf is more than willing to help out, but Poofy absolutely won't let Smurf do the deed.

You tried estrus spray. It gave Smurf a terrible case of blue balls (pun intended), but didn't do a thing for Poofy. It wasn't until after you tried it that you realized how stupid that was.

You showed them Special Huggies (the one and only time you've ever let them watch FluffTV; that channel is utter trash, and responsible for a LOT of bad behavior from fluffies influenced by its material.) and Smurf got seriously frustrated at the lack of compliance from Poofy, who was hiding her eyes and screaming that the bad monster was going to punish those fluffies for being bad and having special huggies.

You showed them an educational video (using live action fluffies, hand puppets, and cartoons) showing how babies were made. Poofy said it was gross and those were bad fluffies.

You even stuck Poofy in a leg immobilizer and encouraged Smurf to just rape her, figuring it wasn't the same for fluffies as it was for humans and she'd get over it. You REALLY had to encourage Smurf to do the deed when Poofy didn't want to, and when you finally coaxed him into mounting her... she shat all over his stomach, cock, balls, and hind legs and he threw a fit wailing about "nu smeww pwetty" and "bad poopies". Seriously, he can't stand bad poopies, at all.

You're sure as hell not paying for artificial insemination, and anything you could use to knock Poofy unconscious so Smurf could get busy without her resisting would probably kill her, given how sensitive fluffies are to anesthetics and tranquilizers.

You're getting desperate, desperate enough to ask people online what to do so you can get Poofy knocked up.

Most of them suggest the same stuff you already tried, or sawing off Poofy's legs and jamming a cork in her butt. Um, no.

Finally, one user named Billy Dee recommended a DVD called Colt 45, providing a link to buy it and saying "it works every time."

It was only $2, with free shipping, so what the hell. You ordered it.

It arrived a week later and you brought the fluffies into the living room to watch it.

"Hewwo! An wewcum tu da show! Wadies an gentwemen, mawes an stawwions, pwease wewcum da god-daddeh uf souw an funk! Da wun, da onwy, Cowt Fotey-fife!"

A familiar tune begins playing and a dark blue fluffy with a permed black mane slides out onto the stage.

"WHOOOOOOOO!"

Oh, hell, it's a fluffy James Brown.

He rears up on his hind legs, revealing enormous 'no-no's' and begins dancing in what you assume is an erotic fashion. Surprisingly, he can carry a tune pretty well. So can his backup singers.

"Git up! Git un up! Git up! Git un up! Stay un da scene! Git un up! Wike a speshow huggies masheen! Git un up!"

Smurf and Poofy begin nodding their heads to the music and tapping their hooves.

"Git up! Git un up! Git up! Git un up! Stay un da scene! Git un up! Wike a speshow huggies masheen! Git un up!"

Fluffy James Brown begins gyrating, wiggling his ass cheeks at the camera and twerking. Both your fluffies are tapping out the time with their hooves and smiling.

"Git up! Git un up! Stay un da scene! Git un up! Wike a speshow huggies masheen! Git un up! Wait a minute!"

Poofy's tail slowly begins to raise as she bops along to the music.

"Shake yo hoofsie! An use yo fowm! Stay un da scene! Wike a speshow huggies masheen!"

Fluffy James Brown is now doing a belly dance, showing off his large genitals, while his backup singers form a conga line in the background. Most of them are surprisingly coordinated, though several are off by a few seconds.

"Yoo gotta haf dat feewin! Suwe as yoo bown! Git it togedda! Wight on, wight on!"

Poofy's rear is now raised up off the floor, her tail flagging high and waving above her as she continues bopping to the music. Smurf is oblivious and continues swaying to the music.

"Git up! Git un up! Git up! Git un up! Git up! Git un up!"

The fluffy on stage tries to spin while remaining on his hind legs, fails, and falls flat on the stage. Impressively, instead of panicking or trying to cover up his screw up, he rolls with it, literally, rolling onto his stomach and doing the worm. Then he hops to his feet again and wiggles his butt at the screen again.

"Yoo sed, dat yoo gut, yoo said da feewin, yoo gut tu git! Yoo gimme fevew! An a cowd sweat!"

You nudge Smurf's butt with your foot and he looks over his shoulder at you, confused. You gesture toward Poofy. Then you have to give him the hint several more times before he figures out what you're indicating. He smoothly (for a fluffy) sidles over to Poofy and begins nibbling on her ear, making her giggle. She never takes her eyes off the screen though; she's thoroughly entranced.

"Da way I wike it! Is da way it is! I got mine, dun wowwy bout dis!"

Smurf slowly mounts Poofy and begins gingerly thrusting. It takes several seconds and then her eyes widen, but she doesn't stop bobbing her head to the music.

"Enf enf enf!"

Ok, that's your cue to leave the room and let the lovebirds get it on.

Two weeks later, and Smurf is still proudly bragging about what a good daddeh he's going to be. He's prepared an extra large nest of very soft blankets and a pillow (you provided those, but convinced him it was his idea, and he's the one who constructed the 'nest'), has rearranged the litter box, food bowl, and water bowl in the safe room on his own initiative, and has been extra diligent about cleaning up the fluffy toys so Poofy won't trip on anything and hurt herself (which her clutzy ass is liable to do on a good day).

Poofy, on the other hand, is very ecstatic about being a 'soon-mummah', constantly singing to her swelling baby. Now instead of asking for babies every day, she waddles over to you and thanks you for letting her have babies. At least she's grateful and know who's in charge, you can say that much about her.

Asks for spaghetti twice a day now instead of just at dinner though. Claims it'll make her 'tummeh babbehs' happy.

Frickin' fluffies, am I right? Heh.

Still, I had to thank Billy Dee for his suggestion, and I now recommend Colt 45 (apparently that's the name of the fluffy James Brown impersonator) to anyone who can't get a mare in the mood to breed.

It works every time.