/sus/ - I Can't Hate You Anymore

from /sus/ Thread #937: Collage Edition
https://desuarchive.org/trash/thread/57809893/#57878995

I Can't Hate You Anymore

By Greenswordsman
__________

The lakeside was so empty. Emptier than it should have been this time of year. The hot sun would usually encourage swimmers and everything that came with them. Music playing over speakers. The smell of hot dogs and burgers wafting in the July breeze. The sound of cooler lids opening and closing along with soda cans and shared laughter. Today was different. All that would come in the next few days, but right now, there was only one person there to enjoy the summer air, but there was no smile on her face, nor was there a drink in her hand. Her legs dangled over the levee, her eyes distant and empty.

She blinked to get them focused again as she pulled up her phone. There was a number there in her text messages. Kris had sent it to her that morning. It didn’t have anyone’s name attached to it yet, but she knew whose it was. She knew what Kris wanted her to do with it, but she wasn’t sure if she was ready. She remembered what he had said.

‘Just talk to her. She wants to talk to you.’

“But does she?” Veth wondered out loud.

It’s not like there was any hostility. At least not anymore. It took two weeks for Noelle to look at Veth with anything but anger, fear, or resentment, but as time wore by and Veth proved herself not to be a threat to anyone, the doe and the dragon both lost their scowling brows around her.

The difference was, Susie as the first to smile around her. Noelle had yet to do that.

Just yesterday Susie had come over to see Veth’s figurines. It was only the third time she had ever done so, but her smile was honest, and it was always a welcome sight. Veth remembered asking if Kris had put her up to it the first time and cringed a little at herself. Hindsight was 20/20. She knew now that Susie had been curious, that she had wondered why Kris had been spending so much time with the odd grey girl and decided on her own to seek her out and find out why for herself.
-
The vessel sighed to herself as she deduced the reason Noelle hadn’t done so yet.

Because she saw nothing worth finding out.

‘And maybe she’th right…’ the vessel thought to herself.

“Maybe who’s right?”

Veth suddenly realized two things: That she had thought out loud again, and that she wasn’t alone. Both of those facts gripped her heart and froze her solid, especially when she recognized that voice.

“Noelle?”

“Hey…” The doe found it hard to make eye contact, but Veth could tell she was trying. “Mind if I sit next to you?”

The vessel would have been lying to herself if she said that was an easy ‘yes.’ It certainly wasn’t, but she replied in the affirmative anyway. She just didn’t know why yet.

“Yeah, go ahead.”

Noelle swallowed a lump. She heard how quiet that response was. It was reluctant and so was her sitting down. Both of them could sense the hesitation in the other’s actions and the air was thick with it, but neither of them could summon the gumption to bring attention to why, and that’s if either could put the reason to words in the first place. A silence distilled onto the lake, and it felt like even the birds had gone quiet, leaving the two utterly to themselves to alleviate the tension.

It took a moment, but Veth found her voice first. “Tho, what bringth you here?”

The deer’s legs began to swing back and forth. It had gotten even harder to look into those silver eyes. “I, uh… no reason in particular, I guess.”

That didn’t sound sincere, and Veth knew both of them knew it. “Are you sure?”

Noelle looked to her left and saw Veth making complete eye contact. That question wasn’t accusatory. There was no venom in those ghostly white eyes. In fact, there was actually a little bit of vulnerability. Something about that timid openness sparked a feeling of guilt in the doe that the vessel couldn’t yet pick up on but was powerful enough to free Noelle’s frozen tongue.
-
“I was walking around and… I wanted to find you and talk to you, but I didn’t have your number. Kris told me where you might be.”
Veth exhaled a little, lightly scolding herself in her mind as she pulled her phone back out. “Funny you thay that. Krith gave me your number ltht night, but… I gueth I’ve just been trying to work up the nerve.”

“Work up the nerve?”

“Yeah. To jutht open up, I gueth…” She laughed just under her breath. “Krith thaid you wanted to talk to me, but I didn’t believe him at firtht. Gueth I wath wrong, huh?”

She turned back to the doe and saw her eyes were getting wet. Veth’s breathing stopped and her heart dropped into her stomach, wondering if it was something she said.

“Noelle? Noelle, what’th wrong?”

“Nothing’s wrong”

Her voice was far too subdued. Almost a whisper. Veth didn’t have all that much experience with true emotion compared to most people, but she knew this one well enough. She knew how the best way to keep someone you cared about from being burdened with your pain was to hide it, and that the louder you spoke when you were in pain, the more obvious it was to them. You could never hide your shuddering breath or your sniffling if you let yourself talk out loud. As much as Noelle was trying to hide it, as much as her face tried to hold back the emotion, it came out in little cracks, showing itself in a quiet sniffle or in the way her jaw quivered ever so slightly. Veth was all too familiar with it. All of it. Whether it was her father or Kris, she knew all at once how It felt like to hold something like that back, and she felt a tenderness in her soul that bade her reach out for the doe’s hand, hoping to console her.

All that wound up doing was breaking the façade Noelle had worked so hard to keep up, and as her tears began to flow, her hand retreated from Veth’s into the shelter of her lap as she hunched down, sobbing.
-
“Noelle?”

“I-I was so angry at you…”

That voice didn’t sound angry, and that, along with the past tense, confused the vessel. “Angry?”

“I was s-so angry at you, a-and I had no right to be!”

Veth had been on the receiving end of comfort, but not the giving end. All she could think of was what Kris had said to her, and the things she needed to hear that he gave her during those first few frightening, lonely weeks.

“It’th… It’th okay, Noelle. I’m not mad at you…”

“But I-!”

“I promith you, I’m not mad…” And she meant it. Those words did so much to heal her when she heard them from the human boy’s lips. She couldn’t say them dishonestly. “Noelle, I promith.”

The deer looked up from the shelter of her arms and saw those silver eyes locking onto hers again. There wasn’t an ounce of guile in them. For all the malice she herself had felt for so long, she couldn’t find a scrap of it in Veth, and that only made her cry harder.

The vessel had no idea what she was doing wrong, and it only sank her gut even further. In her desperation, she tried her best to acquit Noelle of whatever guilt was eating at her. “Noelle, I thwear! I… I’m not mad at you! I couldn’t even tell you were mad! I thought you were jutht uninterethted! That’th nothing to be ashamed of!”

Noelle reflected on the way she used to look at this girl. How she used to hide so much anger and resentment behind a completely tranquil poker face, adding dishonesty to the list of sins she indicted against herself.

“I was- I was hiding it…” The doe sniffled. “I didn’t want to start fights or get Kris or Susie upset so I just let it r-rest and determined just… not to talk to you. Ever.”

Hearing that hurt, but seeing all the pain and vulnerability in Noelle muted any ill will within the grey girl. None of that hate or anger was current. There was no point in returning any of it. “Well, I can tell you don’t feel that way now, right? I mean… we’re talking now, aren’t we?”
-
“Only after I- *snf* -after I took so much time getting over myself… Vess, I-I hated you! I hated you so much and I couldn’t figure out w-why!”

Veth scooted closer to the doe. She didn’t know if she was ready for her to put an arm around her shoulder, but she didn’t retreat this time, and that had to be a step in the right direction. She stayed silent, determined to listen to everything the deer had to say, just like Kris had and her father had listened to her.

“I looked at how close you and Kris were getting… how much time he was s-spending with you and I thought that maybe I was just being jealous?” Noelle’s sniffling began to subside just a bit as she rubbed her nose. “But it wasn’t that. Kris was spending plenty of time with me, and it was great! It’s still great, especially now that Dess is back… God, spring break when Azzy came back home again and it was the four of us hanging out together again… It was wonderful…”

“How is she, by the way?”

“Dess? Sh-she’s doing great. Her physical therapy’s still coming along, and she’s got so much energy, especially when Kris and Azzy come over… Just like old times…”

For a moment, a smile looked like it was about to return to Noelle’s face. It had been so many years, and yet, despite everything that had changed and everything that had happened, seeing Dess’ bright green eyes shimmering at her again brought a light back into her life. Some things would never be the same, and there was no way around that, but she finally had some of the most important things back.

Veth saw it and felt relief and gladness pulling her stomach back up from its pit. “I heard about that… how you guyth have been friendth thinthe childhood. He told me tho many funny thtorieth and-”

“’Since’ childhood…” The budding smile on her face withered and died. “That’s what I thought too…”

“Wha-?”

“I just thought to myself… ‘What right does she have? After all she’s done, why does he warm up to her so fast?”
-
The vessel looked back on her old life. Her old, misguided hate. For a moment, she thought she understood. For all her failures in villainy, it didn’t excuse her end goal, or how close she had come to obtaining it. “I don’t fault you for hating me for that…”

“I do fault me, but not for that.” Noelle replied, looking at her reflection in the placid water. “That’s not what I hated you for. That’s not why I felt bitter and petty. You weren’t the first person we stopped from the fountain stuff. Big Mike, Queen, King Spade, though I wasn’t there for him… It was just… such a stupid, selfish reason…”

“What was it?”

It took a moment for Noelle to push the words past the lump in her throat as she felt her tears return in full. She knew the real reason in her heart of hearts, but now it was finally coming out in full and in the open. She hadn’t even confronted this by herself and could only pray that the vessel would understand.

“…After so much time, when I learned that Kris was trying to find Dess, it really hit me. Why he seemed so distant after she disappeared all those years ago… why he got- *snf* -so much quieter… For so long I thought he just didn’t want to be m-my friend you know? H-he wasn’t coming over to play piano anymore. He stopped smiling. He stopped playing pranks, so I just… let him be. All that time, I never knew how much he was hurting… how badly he wanted to be my friend, but I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t see his pain, so I just left him alone with it…”

She remembered his confessions when the first spring rainstorms came. Noelle remembered Kris’ visage, wet with rain that hid tears running from bloodshot eyes as he stood over Rudy’s fresh grave. She remembered when Kris told her everything, of her dreams that weren’t dreams, of a guilt that wasn’t his, yet one that he heaped upon himself anyway, of feeling like he failed Noelle and her family. Feeling like he should just disappear.
-
Veth looked down when she felt something wrapping around her fingers. Noelle’s had intertwined with them.

“So when it was all over, and we finally started hanging out again… when I learned the truth… I wanted nothing more than to make up for lost time. To make up for leaving him alone for so long… and then you come along. After the adventure, after finding Dess, after everything, and I think to myself, ‘There’s no way I’m letting it all come undone. There’s no way I’m going to lose him now. Not again…’”

Panic and shame intermingled in the vessel’s voice with a new clarity. “Noelle, I don’t want to take Kris away from you! I promise, I don’t!”

“I know you don’t…” She reassured her, gripping her hand just a little tighter. “I know you don’t.”

Veth didn’t know how hard her heart was racing until it started to slow down, and her head began to feel light, but at least she felt a little relief. Just enough to silence her fearful questions and keep her listening.

“It’s just that… when it was all over and Kris became your friend, that’s when I felt it. The anger, the confusion… I thought to myself ‘What has she done other than hurt him?! What has she done to be his friend?!’ and it killed me inside every time I looked at you. It made me hate you so much…”

Those silver eyes broke with hers for a moment. She wasn’t sure if she would have had answers to those questions if they were ever asked out loud to her before this. Then she heard the doe speak again, her voice warbling.

“But then I realized *snf* that I couldn’t hate you w-without hating myself, because I wound up asking myself the same questions – ‘What have I done other than hurt him? What have I done to be his friend?’ All those years just leaving him alone… I remember the cyber world and he wanted to ride the Ferris wheel with me a-and I just blew him off! I even laughed at him!”

All at once, Veth began to understand. She scooted just a little closer to the doe, her fingers coming loose from hers.
-
“W-who am I to judge anyone, huh?! *snf* W-what kind of friend have I been?!”

Then all at once her sobbing stopped in its tracks as a thin pair of scarred arms wrapped themselves around her. First there was shock and disbelief. Then a realization set in, and with it, her tears returned as Veth spoke up again.

“I think we’ve both asked ourselves that question… I hated myself too.”

“Vess...?!”

The vessel’s voice shook, but it kept itself steady though tears were streaking down her cheeks. “… But I learned that sometimes, we’re our own worst critics.”

Noelle had no reply but to return her embrace and throw her own arms around Veth, letting her snout rest on her shoulder.

“V-Vess…”

“I’m not mad at you…” She whispered, repeating those words that had been a healing salve to her soul before. “I promise I’m not mad…”

Noelle couldn’t even eke out a thank you between sobs, but she hoped the feeling in her embrace and how firmly and fervently she held it would be enough to communicate how she felt, that it would be enough to say she was sorry. As she felt the vessel’s hands rubbing up and down her back, she knew that her unspoken voice had been heard, and that took out all the stops. There wasn’t anything left between them to hide anymore. The shame and anger and blame had all gone, washed away by shared tears.

As those tears finally subsided and their embrace loosened, Veth spoke up first. “You know… Krith really doeth care about you. Tho doeth Thuthie and Berdly. I don’t think any of them are mad at you either.”

It took a moment for Noelle to realize the grey girl’s lisp was back before she nodded her head in acknowledgement. “Th-thank you *snf*.”

“Trutht me, they can’t thtop talking about you!”

“Talking about me?”

“Yeth, and all I hear are nithe thingth.”

Noelle’s hand came over her heart. “Like what?”
-
“You should hear all the thtorieth Krith tellth me about you two… heh… He told me about the time when you guyth were little and you went on the Ferrith Wheel together.”

The deer felt a smile creeping up on her that she couldn’t fight back as those memories were dusted off. “Oh no, he told you about that?”

“Yeah! And how he thtarted jumping up and down to thcare you!”

“Fahaha! Oh gosh! He was such a little twerp!”

“Oh he thtill ith. Him and Thuthie both…”

She saw the way the vessel rolled her eyes and almost immediately knew. “They prank you too, huh?”

“Did they ever get you with the ‘fake thpider on your pillow’ trick?”

“Oh my gosh, they did that to me but with a rubber snake! And it was so much worse because Susie can actually hiss, so I woke up to that and-!”

“Oh no!”

“-And she’s hissing right in my ear while Kris has his hand under the covers wiggling the snake around!”

“I would have died!”

“It was so bad! Trust me Vess, those two can smell fear. They’re like sharks!”
-
The way Noelle said her name wasn’t lost on her, and the gray girl laughed a little, rolling her eyes. “It’th okay, Noelle.”

“They- huh?”

“You can call me Veth too.”

“That doesn’t annoy you or anything? I remember when Susie first coined it and you looked so embarrassed!”

Of all her memories of a past she had left behind, that one was easily both her most embarrassing and her most cherished. “Oh yeah, you’re fine. I’m not worried about titleth at thith point. I’ve got no more minionth to impreth.”

The deer giggled to herself with a hand over her mouth. “Whatever you say, Veth!”

Veth shook her head and blew her bangs out from her eyes. “Yeah, don’t mention it.”

“It’s okay! Me and Kris had all sorts of little nicknames for each other back in the day. This one time….”

Veth listened with rapt attention as the doe regaled her stories, and even though it had only been a few months, she was eager to share what stories and memories she had gathered with Kris and Susie over that time. The day was still young. The afternoon sun hadn’t dimmed just yet, and they had a whole, long, bright summer day ahead of them. It was all the time in the world, and at least until their friends came calling, they had it all to themselves.

The summer sun shone all the brighter.

[THE END]