Twitter archive snarks

Oh, joy. More men's figure skating. From the looks of the Russian competitor, we're going to see sequins AND mullets. Outstanding.
Used to think @Austin suburbs were, well, suburbs. Hearing a turkey call destroys that myth.
RT @CaptainAnnoying: Nothing brightens my day like getting a message reading "Disregard email; I found my pants" in GChat.
"A C program is like a fast dance on a newly waxed dance floor by people carrying razors."
says: Bring me your unappreciated, orphaned & overlooked SKUs. Give them the product marketing love that they deserve.
Dell and Windows. On a smartphone. Let the snickering begin. Failstorm!
RT @CaptainAnnoying: Why do the terrorists hate us? "Sex and the City 2" is probably part of the reason.
United & Continental merging. What could POSSIBLY go wrong? Thanks, I'll resume hitchhiking.
Best sign of the World Cup: "KIM JONG-IL THINKS I'M AT WORK."
Adobe should just get it over with and release an entire operating system whose only job is to periodically update itself.
Mr. Dell & his staff just acquired a oily sheen.
Lance Armstrong hires ex-Goldman Sachs defense attorney. J'accuse!
You're not influential. Just energetic.
LeBron jerseys being shipped to Miami's homeless citizens. Poetic.
Willy Loman: kept his job for 38 years, made his final mortgage payment, wife + two children. Today? He'd be called a survivor.
his is the only day a year i can walk up to my neighbors houses in my underwear and get candy instead of restraining orders
#iran, #venezuela form "new world order" alliance. Yeah, good luck with that.
Would somebody please sucker punch Angelo Mozilo?
Ah, the weekend. Away with ye, foul #powerpoint!
Back to Sunnyvale and San Francisco for the week. Y'all play nice.
In The Tech Industry, Complex Is A Polite Word For Fat
Admit it. Your company's social media budget comes from a random number generator.
I'll say this, if your first instinct after hearing about a tragedy is to scrub your websites, you have a problem as a political movement
Props to #TCU. Great win - really fun to watch. #BigTen? ... a big, swollen tick. Jim Delany should have a bag over his head.
Best tasting source of Vitamin D: Bacon.
Dear Lord, today we give thanks for Duke getting gobsmacked on national TV. Amen.
Staring out the window & wishing I could go outside to play.
So glad it's Friday. Mgmt team may as well be wearing diapers. #fraggingisanoption
I demand proof that Donald Trump's hair was born in the United States.
Haley Barbour drops out of 2012 presidential race. Daggone it, there goes a year's worth of Pappy O'Daniel comparisons
Being an expert in social media is like being an expert at taking the bread out of the refrigerator.
OH on a Travel Channel show: "Ducks are only marginally more intelligent than a #Kardashian." Winner!
Seth Myers: "The Donald often appears on Fox, which is funny because a fox often appears on Donald Trump’s head." #epic
Scented USB drives: Wouldn't be caught DEAD with one. Nope. Not happening
RT @jowyang: Let's start a flashmob: When the space shuttle returns, everyone dress up up in Ape outfits. #in
#ESPN sends 1st Longhorn Network commercial. "Exclusive" Rice vs. Texas football. This is compelling content? Child, please. #fail
64 days of 100F or above in Austin. Today was 106F. In other news, Rick Perry declares global warming a hoax. #clownalert
Rick Perry's college grades make me feel better about mine.
107F in #Austin yesterday. 105-107F the rest of the week. Feeling distinctly like a baked potato. #READYTOLEAVE
Oatmeal again? Geez. There'd better be a prize at the bottom of this bowl. #needpoptarts
And I thought 'polecat' was reserved for family putdowns. <grin.>
How to ruin a perfectly nice Halloween evening: "Tonight on Jaaaaay Leno: Justin Bieber!!!" Just shoot me now.
Banks ignoring Groupon's red flags. "I'm shocked - SHOCKED to find gambling going on here..."
Deconstructing Rick Perry's Energy and Jobs Plan - apparently he's sniffing glue again.
What's the difference between Pitt & cereal? Cereal is always in a bowl.
Some mornings it just doesn't seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps.
It's hard to hate my commute when there's a little kid on the train who is clearly thinking "OH MY GOD I'M ON A TRAIN!"
Seriously, another Kardashian story? Retinas just spontaneously combusted. Geez, GMA is such a waste of electrons.
Nothing evokes the hope and promise of a shiny New Year 2012 like ... The Walking Dead. Ewww.
If the programmers like each other, they play a game called "pair programming". And if not, then the game is called "peer review".
Listening to Perry try to a put a complicated policy sentence together is like watching a chimp play with a locked suitcase...
Santa, all I want for Christmas is a new product management challenge. Pretty please & let me know if chocolate chip cookies are OK.
Hedge funds: breakeven is the new black. The 99% are giggling & pointing at you
Must not make career-limiting outburst. Must not make career-limiting outburst. Must not make career-limiting outburst.
Bacon is a standalone food group. You can look it up. #breakfast-for-winners
Monday. Rain. Oatmeal. The prospect of a N.Austin commute. As BB King would say, the thrill is gone. #yuck.
A warning for all you fat joggers w/ 2012 resolutions - Austin still has coyotes. They're looking rather hungry. #waitfordaylight
Overlooked product marketing brainiac - looking for greener pastures.:
"No Black Eyed Peas. Our long national halftime nightmare is over."
It sure feels good to watch the Dookies & their garden gnome of a coach being sent home. Karma, baby.
It's Friday, and Duke deserves an EPIC BEATDOWN. Come on, everyone. You know it's the right thing to do. *makes voodoo sign with fingers*