Usami Bin Laden - Today at 6:34 PM
and before that, i mentioned it earlier but the part where merry was worried about finding an excuse to leave the club
sec, a call
uhhh, might have to go off for about 5 mins or so
parents want to see a picture of me since its been a while since we've met
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 6:37 PM
it's fine
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 6:37 PM
i'll coem back and get to this real quick dw
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 6:41 PM
so intent-wise
i was trying to contrast a bit between the flashback scene and the timeskip scene
mainly on merry's part
she was supposed to feel a bit awkward around renko and such even if she was helpful back then
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 6:43 PM
ok i'm back
no no i was saying i liked it
that part i really liked because....
it conveyed maribel's unease, not with renko but specifically with being in the club with her
but its not conveyed by just saying something like
'lately i feel a little unease about being in the club with renko, but i don't know how to say it to her'
its conveyed with something more  concrete, her wanting a job
and then using that to say that she wants to leave the club
it conveys merry's feelings very concretely, but in an indirect way. that part is good
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 6:44 PM
ahh
i definitely didn't touch on renko much here, but i wanted to feel that she's supposed to be the normal renko people know (or would infer from how maribel refers to her)
but it develop the last part, which I'm sure i screwed up
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 6:46 PM
anyway for now lemme go through some of it one by one at lesat
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 6:46 PM
aight
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 6:46 PM
>It was the first time I entered another girl’s room through the entirety of my sixteen years of living.
she's not going in a direction through anything in particular. she's just saying that in her life(specifically of 16 years old) she hasnt entered another girls' room before
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 6:47 PM
should it be throughout?
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 6:48 PM
something morel ike 'It was the first time in the sixteen years I've lived that I entered another girls' room'
there shouldnt be anything anywhere near 'through' in here
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 6:48 PM
ahh
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 6:48 PM
the object 'sixteen years of life' isnt something she's going through in this particular sentence
she's saying that 'i have x and i've never done this before', in a more basic sense
replace x with 16 years of life. its an abstract thing but you can treat it as an object here
or you can treat it as just a trait, like 'it was the first time that I, a 16 year old girl, have ever entered another girl's room'
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 6:49 PM
I need to go to the bathroom, might be a bit, but I'll be back and reply to everything
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 6:49 PM
aight, i'll continue then
>Something about the intimacy of such act made me anxious. Or maybe it was simply a sign of my own immaturity and sheltered mentality. There shouldn’t be anything wrong going into the room of someone that wasn’t my relative. While yes, it’s a place that stood as the sole witness of all the most private aspect of one’s life. The sole witness of one’s secrets, the only thing hiding one’s true self from the outside world…
first sentence here's just a simple error of plurality. its either 'such acts' or 'such an act', and in this case its singular so it's the latter.
next sentence, you can just combine them into 'sheltered immaturity', but if you want to say both traits separately its 'a sign of my own immaturity, and of my own sheltered mentality'. shortening it into 'my own immaturity and sheltered mentality' feels like you're triyng to make them rhyme and it feels a bit like a weak rap
*there shouldn't be anything wrong with going into the room of someone who wasn't my relative.
mostly pretty simple here
the next sentence is a bit more complex to explain but,
generally you dont want to rely on a generic pronoun like 'place' when you're specifically talking about how it's someone's private space
and it's not just because it's someone's private space that merry's make a deal out of it, but that she's intruding upon it
and 'while yes' itself makes sense because renko interrupts her before she could complete that thought, it does feel awkward nonetheless
*Certainly, I was intruding on someone's most private sanctuary, the place where their inner secrets are held and their true selves hidden from the outside world'... or something like that may work better.

and as you'll see here, i used 'place' because i already specified that it's like a 'sanctuary' in the paragraph earlier.
which has a stronger connotation with the idea of a private space one shouldnt violate. where as just 'room' mentioend earlier doesnt give that idea
>My friend was not too amused with my antics. I wonder how she would react if she knew my own thoughts...but that’s not something I should focus on right now. She, Renko Usami, was going to show me alleged most important treasure. The only reason why she even considered to revive a century-old dead club, our Secret Sealing Club.

Next here. Merry was specifically spacing out, that wouldn't usually be an antic. I get that you want to say it's something she regularly does, so in a way it's a part of the antics that she provides to renko but that isn't conveyed here anyway. 'Silence' is accurate and to the point, and Renko already establishes that with her earlier quote
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 6:59 PM
I was at first going to use "immaturity and shelteredness" which sounds even worse, though it seems that adding "mentality didn't fix the core issue of the sentence"
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:00 PM
The next sentence, while not grammatically incorrect, it's not about whether Renko could read her thoughts in general, Mery was specifically wondering how she'd feel if Renko could read her exact thoughts at that exact moment. something longer like 'I wonder how she'd react if she could read what I was thinking right now' is more than sufficient
also in the same sentence, "...but that's not what I should be thinking about right now" is better, since Merry isn't really focusing on that what-if-renko-can-read-my-mind part, jsut wondering a little
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 7:01 PM
Was it an issue of clarity right there?
ahh
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:01 PM
its partly to do with clarity but partly to do with how the language used builds different images in your head
it makes sense if you read it but it doesn't flow in a pleasant manner, so to speak
After that is uh, its 'was going to show me her allegedly most important treasure'. just a simple grammatical error here. but the next part, you need to make it clearer
well I'd just rewrite the whole sentence as say, "My friend, Renko Usami, was going to show me her allegedly most important treasure, so important it was the only reason she decided to revive a century-old club, the Secret Sealing Club"
firstly, "She, Renko usami" just feels awkward and weirdly placed if that's where you want to introduce her name
and the next sentence doens't properly connect back to the idea of her important treasure, so it takes a reread or two to understand that's what you meant by it
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 7:04 PM
deciding where to introduce names are really hard
*is
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:04 PM
and, to say she wanted to revive it means it was dead before, so you didn't need to say it was dead again
and introducing the idea that the club was 'our' secret sealing club made the sentence too packed with information so i would just cut that out
its implied already and you can convey that later on
in this case, 'My friend, Usami Renko', is just elaborating on the idea that she's a friend
basically X, [elaboration of X]
but She, Usami Renko, is more like [pronoun of X], X itself. which feels redundant and awkward
but you couldn't just start the sentence with Usami Renko since you didn't establish that was the name of the person who spoke to Merry yet either
cuz if you did, its confusing if that name referred to the same speaker as before for at leaest a while
anyway doing this for the whole doc is kinda tiring so i'll just pick out a few more sentences at best
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 7:07 PM
alright
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:07 PM
granted the next sentencei s right after anyway but
>Already ditching her uniform for a tank top and a pair of boxers, Renko was lying on her bed, waiting for me.
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 7:08 PM
maybe perhaps just the most glaring mistakes and issues unrelated to grammar?
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:08 PM
the sentence says that she's already done it, but you're introducing that idea of her changing clothes before her on the bed and it feels awkwardly worded
instead, Renko was lying on the bed, having already ditched her uniform for a tank top and boxers, waiting for me.
would flow better
tbh grammar and word flow is genereally the sort of criticism i can give best
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 7:09 PM
ahh
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:10 PM
>Nothing about it was strange, and the design of the box itself was plain and unnoticeable. The only thing my eyes could notice as anything out of the ordinary from it was its age
here, you say the box is unnoticeable even though the sentence itself is already noticing it. and the next sentence is even about how maribel herself notices a detail out of it, which is contradictory and awkward again
>Even my late dear grandmother hadn’t been born yet when that box was made.
"It looked older than my grandma" is what you're saying and that's shorter and more concise and also, she can't actually tell exactly how old it is so she can't say it in that way
the sentence as is would say that maribel was able to tell when it was made just by looking at it, which probably isn't true here?
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 7:12 PM
yeah, that wasn't the intent
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:12 PM
and >I sat on the edge of the bed
is tbh, one of the few times you use 'on' right, no offense but yeah
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 7:12 PM
when is it the right time for on, at, and in anyway?
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:12 PM
sec, i remember seeing a concrete example where you used it wrong that i can kinda explain
before i get to that
> A treasure map? A magical relic from a bygone era?

So much that my anticipation was, that when Renko revealed that the box only had a hat and several piles of damaged paper, my deflation at the sight would’ve been audible.
maribel wonders if a treaasure map is inside, and upon seeing an old map in the box she becomes disappointed
even though that's basically what a treasure map would look like
i mean its not actually a treasure map but that's what it would've looked like to her at that point in time
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 7:14 PM
yeah
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:14 PM
it would've been fine to not specify exactly waht she was anticipating
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 7:14 PM
I was thinking that a say, city map would look different than a treasure map
but in hindisght that it wasn't going to be all that different
and the wording just makes that awkward
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:16 PM
>paperworks
isnt meant to be plural, because 'paperwork' refers to the entire process of dealing with papers for some kind of registeration as well
it doesnt jsut refer to say, singular pieces of paperwork or forms
>While Renko had several different hats that she would use on different occasions
this is also one of the right instances of 'on', but since the usage is very abstract here i cant explain it too well
i guess you can think of 'different occasions' as say, different instances or backgrounds, and renko is conceptually on top of it, that's why you use 'on' there but idk if that explanation makes sense and iirc the more concrete example is  just nearby
>“May I touch them, Renko?”

“Sure thing, I believe you’d like what’s on them.”
here what's wrong isn't 'on' but you're missing a word. "sure thing, I believe you'll like what's written on them" or something like that
and the term is actually >Collective Unconscious
i know, doesn't make a lot of sense, but that's terminology for ya
logically there's no reason why it's not collective unconsciousness but idk, i guess brevity trumps grammatical accuracy
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 7:21 PM
yeah that part is entirely my mistake
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:22 PM
i made the same mistake for so many years
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 7:22 PM
I was an avid jung enthusiast
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:22 PM
cuz it doesnt make any goddamn sense
who the fuck translated jung's shit into english  iwant to complain to
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 7:22 PM
well, it's like how freud's stuff is often still attributed to the Subconscious
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:23 PM
>We were all united with the same vision.
here is where 'through' could be used
it might have to be used here but i'm not certain on that
but here see, using the tool known as 'the same vision', 'we' are all united together
in this case its not movement 'through' an object
but accomplishing something 'through' an object
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 7:25 PM
huh, that somehow makes perfect sense
i think I can visualize it now
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:26 PM
>Three girls from different eras, united by one vision.
but in this case this isn't wrong either
here 'by one  vision' is just elaborating on the cause of the verb 'united'
here, the stress is on 'three girls from different eras' which is probably what you'll want
since the last time, 'we were all united through the same vision', the act of the vision uniting these people is what you want to emphasize, so 'through' is good
you wont want to repeat it here since the emphasis will feel repetitive
>It was a strange thought to dwell on.
ok here too i cant explain it but it's not wrong, even though a similar phrasing of it, 'to dwell in thoughts' doesn't use 'on'
you dwell in thoughts, but you also 'on thoughts you dwell'
>“There’s something I want to show you before we return. Let’s stay in my house for tonight!
this isn't the concrete on part i wanted to talk about but here is pretty important as well
strictly speaking its not inaccurate but
it's not about physically staying inside renko's house that you want to say here
it's about the location being her house, that you want to say 'let's stay at my house'
because naturally if you're going to someone's house, you're going to be staying in it
to specify that you're physically in a house is generally a bit strange
when you say 'in' you treat it as a physical location, or object that you are inside of
where as 'at' treats it as a location like on a map. you're not physically talking about the land and materials that make up the house where renko lives
but the more abstract idea of 'the place where renko resides in'
>we thrived on each of our own majors
>All those experiences I had on the past now
>The only reason why I stuck around was because my desire to be on Renko’s side.
hmmm i guess the examples werent as good as i thought, but here's 3 of them where 'on' is wrong and i'll explain why
physically you understand that 'on' means to be on top of something. what 'on' does is also treat that something like an object, where the statement is about the relative location of the  'thing' that is 'on' the object.
like the example earlier, about 'sitting on the edge of the bed'
although it wold work if it was just 'sitting on the bed' as well but to look specifically at that
saying 'edge of the bed' means you're not talking about the concept of a bed in general, but you're talking about a physical one, and you're specifically talking about only a part of a physical bed, the edge of it
and sitting means you're on top of something so that makes logical sense
now to look at it more metaphorically
let's look at a metaphorical sentence that makes sense with 'on', like say, "I'm on a high right now"
naturally a high isnt a physical object, its about the idea of being on drugs or whatever right
even though it'd make sense to say "I'm in a high right now" as in, I'm in a state of being high(which is actually perfectly correct) you can't say that
being high is the idea that you, the subject, are metaphorically standing atop of. you're not surrounded by it, you're not within it, you're above it but you're feeling it
now to go back to those 3 examples
>we thrived on each of our own majors
>All those experiences I had on the past now
>The only reason why I stuck around was because my desire to be on Renko’s side.
in no way, physically or metaphorically, are the two above their majors in any way
they belong to their majors, which means they are a part of it, they are in their majors.
both in a legal, document sense and in the more metaphorical sense as well
likewise, you are 'in' the past because you can label everything that's not the present or the future as 'the past' and everything will fall under it
you cant be 'on' the past since that would mean you're above it which either means you're in the present or the future, in which case you'd just say that instead of saying you're 'on' the past.
the last one, being 'on renko's side', is a little tricky since physically, that can make sense
like 'i'm on this side of the river'
but since you're talking about metaphorically being by renko's side in life, rather than physically being next to her all the time, that's what you use instead of 'on'
that definitely went on way too long but does that make sense?
either way that's about all i have to say on this
Violet Eightclouds - Today at 7:45 PM
yeah, it makes sense now
Usami Bin Laden - Today at 7:46 PM
i could explain why its 'that's all i ahve to say on this' but i'd really rather notttttt
also i'm explaining but its just how i've come to understand it, its not like its official rules on how to understand them or anything
but if it helps