Diana Burnwood Briefings for the Smash Bros Cast

Mario: THAT is Super Mario. Plumber, adventurer, tennis champion, golf champion, basketball champion, go-kart racing champion...renowned party expert? Odd resume. According to his file, he has a strong fondness for mushrooms. Shouldn't be too hard to find a poisonous one - or sneak some poison into what should have been a regular super mushroom.

Luigi: THAT is Luigi. I wouldn't underestimate him, 47. He may be the perennial number two to his more famous brother, but being able to keep up with Super Mario is an accomplishment in and of itself. Apparently, he's known to be rather easily frightened, which will make it harder to approach him, but perhaps you could get him to run headlong into danger by sneaking up behind and shouting 'boo'.

Donkey Kong: THAT is Donkey Kong, known for beating up crocodiles and playing a mean pair of bongos. Might be fun to watch if we didn't have a job to do. I don't have to warn you against getting on a giant gorilla's bad side, 47. That said, he has the brain of an ape as well, so it might be possible to get him to eat some bananas that he shouldn't.

Link: THAT is your target, Link. His file is brimming with speculative and conflicting accounts of his history and accomplishments, as if he's lived 100 separate lives somehow. Though as you've no doubt deduced, he carries a sword, along with a handful of other weapons, including bombs. Something of a specialty of your own, isn't it 47? Perhaps you should compare notes on the subject, via a live demonstration...

Samus: THAT is Samus Aran, interplanetary bounty hunter extraordinaire. According to public record, she has miraculously been the sole survivor of numerous disasters - well, I suppose every hot streak has to end eventually. Getting around that suit of armor might prove troublesome, but she has to take it off at some point. You may want to consider hiding in her personal quarters, or approaching her in the right disguise...

Yoshi: THAT is Yoshi. He is a...yoshi. From Yoshi Island. Bit of an egotist then? His file says he likes to defeat his enemies with eggs. I suppose you aren't the only master of serving poisoned food in the room, 47. Apparently he also has odd affinities for babies and yarn. I wonder if there's a yarn strong enough to make a good garrote... I know you do love your irony.

Kirby: THAT is Kirby. It's...not super clear what he is, but he's known as a hero to the people of Dream Land, and has been seen using dozens and dozens of different attacks over the years. He gets his abilities by eating things, 47, so I'm sure you can imagine a good plan of action based on that alone. But...I can't tell if feeding him a bomb would be a good idea or an awful one.

Fox: THAT is Fox, leader of a private band of elite mercenaries, StarFox. We certainly run across lots of mercenaries, don't we 47? None of them have given us pause so far, so I wouldn't expect trouble with this one either. Apparently, he does his best work with his personal starship - I'm sure there's some way to sabotage it if you can find it.

Pikachu: THAT is Pikachu. Yes, we've been contracted to eliminate a mouse. Of course we're not exterminators, but our client, Digimon, is paying us handsomely for the contract, and Pikachu is far from an ordinary rodent. He has the ability to discharge, well, shocking amounts of electricity, and can be blindingly fast. Still, something tells me you won't have much trouble outdoing Team Rocket, 47.

Ness: THAT is Ness, a small boy with psychic powers and a hero complex. As you know, the ICA does not accept contracts on children, so he's not a target, but he's dangerous and in our way, so I'll leave things to your discretion. According to what I've been able to dig up on him, he's a good kid, so it may be possible to gain an advantage by disguising yourself as an authority figure.

Captain Falcon: THAT is Captain Falcon. Champion of Formula Zero racing, which involves driving impossibly fast, but fragile hovering cars in exotic locations. You may want to think about tampering with his vehicle, the Blue Falcon; as far as I can tell by looking at the specs, it's basically a death trap already. Further, he's known to pack a preposterously powerful punch, so keep an eye on his fists, 47.

Jigglypuff: THAT is Jigglypuff. It's something called a Pokemon, and can cause its enemies to go comatose by singing. Nasty piece of work. I trust you didn't leave your earplugs in the hotel, 47? According to Jigglypuff's file, it is a 'normal type' which means it is weak to 'fighting type' attacks, which include most forms of martial arts. Your krav maga training should make this as a 'snap' if you...actually, there's no neck on that body so...well, it's basically a living balloon. Even I know how to pop those.

THAT is Princess Toadstool, AKA Princess Peach, the ruler of the Mushroom Kingdom. The toads that comprise her personal guard aren't especially threatening, but I don't think there's any good way for you to blend in with a bunch of three-foot tall mushroom-headed men. Further, given how many mushrooms she's surrounded herself with, she may have a resistance to certain kinds of poison, but that's far from the only trick up your sleeves.

THAT is Princess Daisy, ruler of Sarasaland.  That said, she seems to spend more time joining Mario & co. in their various sports and parties than actually ruling. Lucky for her that princesses aren't elected, eh 47?. Regardless, a contract on a head of state is a delicate matter, but this is far from our first rodeo, as it were. As long you stay careful, we should be able to avoid creating an international crisis.

THAT is Bowser, king of the koopas, ruler of World 8, and giant fire-breathing dragon - though you've no doubt pieced that last bit together yourself. We're... not actually sure if he's a friend or foe to Mario and Princess Peach. They have parties and go kart-racing together, but the constant kidnappings suggest otherwise... Maybe she likes it?

THAT is Popo. The lady he's with is Nana. They call themselves the Ice Climbers, presumably because they like to climb icy mountains. Hardly winning any awards for creativity. They're borderline inseparable, so you'll have to take them out together or find a way to get them apart. Shouldn't be too hard to make them have an unfortunate 'accident' given how dangerous mountaineering is.

THAT is Sheik. We don't have a lot of data on her - she seems to sort of fade in and out of the world at will. It's rather impressive, really. What I can tell you is that she's the last of a secretive tribe of highly-trained ninjas called Sheikah. Apparently, she possesses some magical prowess as well. Honestly, she reminds me a lot of you, 47. I get the feeling that some ICA heads are wishing we got her resume instead of a contract on her.

THAT is Princess Zelda. You'd do well to take her seriously, 47. She's known to use magical abilities that she claims come from the goddess Hylia herself, and believe it or not, is a master of disguise. It's hard to pin down precise details, but we know that among her false identities are a ninja, and a pirate captain. Hm, sounds a bit immature. Perhaps she's more of a child playing dress up than the mystical rogue I mistook her for.

THAT is Doctor Mario. We're... not actually sure if he and Mario are the same person. They certainly look, move, and even sound identical, but no one's ever been able to definitively prove a connection. For the record, he's the unlicensed kind of doctor, and you know how that type is prone to handling dangerous chemicals without proper safety equipment... Though honestly, even without poison, those massive pills he hands out are a serious choking hazard.

THAT is Pichu. A Pichu is the juvenile version of a Pikachu, and will grow up to become one of those popular little buggers. Well...it would have. Anyway, it can't discharge electricity without damaging itself, so it may be possible to trick Pichu into getting rid of itself for you. Nothing wrong with taking it easy once in a while, given how hard you normally work.

THAT is Falco Lombard, second-in-command of StarFox. Apparently, he's an ace pilot with the ego to match. He's on foot right now - as much as I'm sure he'd prefer the air - which means he's out of his element, and therefore vulnerable. It'd be a shame if something happened to ship while he isn't in it, don't you think, 47? Though, as a bird, he presumably has very fragile bones as well, so...Decisions, decisions.

THAT is Marth, the king of Archanea. A renowned strategist, a loved leader and a legendary hero. Fairly generic 'protagonist'-type if I'm being honest. In my opinion, anti-heroes are much more interesting. Do you know the type I mean, 47? Keeping with the generic hero theme, Marth is a top-level swordsman, but that just means you'll get to show him what happens when one brings a sword to a gunfight.

THAT is Lucina, daughter of the Exalt of Ylisse. Supposedly, she came from the future to help save her world from some sort of disaster. If that's true, then completing this contract will mean you've eliminated her before she was even born, which is the kind of feat that goes down in ICA history. ...I suppose *she'll* be going down in history too. How droll.

THAT is... Link. Don't be thrown off by how young he looks - his file makes it quite clear that he was born in 1986, so he's certainly not protected by our policy against eliminating children. I suspect there's a kind of magical effect involved in making him look so young - I'll admit, I'm a bit envious of him because of that. Though I'm sure I won't be once you're through with him.

THAT is Ganondorf Dragmire, leader of the desert-dwelling Gerudo, and apparently it's sole male member. Hm...If I was in his position, I don't think I'd *ever* leave the palace, if you catch my drift, 47. Jokes aside, Mr. Dragmire packs the kind of physical strength you'd expect from a man of his size -and on top of THAT he's a skilled swordfighter, and a powerful warlock. Certainly an intimidating resume, but death is the world's greatest equalizer.

THAT is Mewtwo, another Pokémon. As a one-of-a-kind genetic experiment, its psychic abilities are unmatched, and range from levitation and telekinesis to mind-reading. That last one may be a bit troublesome, considering that deception is our stock-in-trade. On the other hand, as a psychic-type, it's weak to dark-type attacks, which are essentially dirty and underhanded tricks, or attacks motivated by malice. Just about everything you do should be, er, 'super-effective' against it. Hard to say if you should worry or expect to be home early today, 47.

THAT is Roy, the Master of Pherae. He's a talented swordfighter but there's certainly a lot of those around, so it may be more interesting to focus on his affinity for fire. Apparently, a number his attacks conjure flames and even explosions - which are known to injure him as often as his enemies. Goodness, even *I* could eliminate a man like THAT. Just lure him near something combustible and wait until he tries to swat a fly.


That is Chrom, the Exalt of Ylisse. A renowned fighter, a loved leader and a legendary hero. He knows all his closest troops and security personally, and his skills with a sword are practically unmatched, so be on guard, 47. Apparently, lances work best against him.

THAT is Mr. Game & Watch. He's... Well, despite being completely 2-dimensional, he's been able to build up an impressive resumé. Chef, construction worker, lion tamer, even gas station attendant. I'll be completely honest, 47. I've no idea what sort of tricks he could have up his sleeve, or what could work on him. Is there such a thing as 2D poison?