College

Hey this one's long and personal. Been debating posting it or not for a week and a half now, but decided eh why not. College was a lot of highs and lows for me, so as you'll see my recollection of it is pretty scattered, I think I gave myself whiplash just typing it all. I also wrote most of this mid finals week, so stress was high and I didnt proofread.

As graduation approaches and it looks more like I might actually finish college in this lifetime, Iv been looking back on the past few years of my life a lot. I entered college in maybe the worst mental state of my life. I was in a really rocky place in my friendships with both of my closest IRL friends, I was absolutely exhausted of school and had awful study habits. I didnt even have an inkling of what I wanted to go into in terms of a major, but I remember feeling like "well Im supposed to be smart so itd be a waste to not do some form of science/engineering thing" (dont feel like this ever please) Like I said, bad mentality. As freshman year went on, stress kept building. I fell out of contact with most of the people I talked to in highschool, stuff didnt get particularly better or worse with the two friends I mentioned before until late freshman year when they improved a bit. I was the cause of a group of friends kind of blowing up at each other after getting sick of a guy asking for sources on literally everything people said. My roommate's gf practically lived with us in our tiny dorm, but they were as respectful of me as you can be in that situation I guess, I dont really have hard feelings there. I knew them both from hs, so I mostly didnt care. I will say, freshman year was when I really started interacting with people on XIV and I think I owe them my sanity. They mean too much to me.

Freshman year my classes werent too difficult, and I took a wild guess and started on the EE class load, figuring I could pivot to CS or comp E. I remember being constantly lost in the physics course I was in, and I had a class for like 4 hours twice a week on the campus in the other city, so I had to learn how the campus buses worked and waste a ton of time going there and back. I remember there was a week where I just spent virtually all of my time in lectures drawing, because some awful shit happened with a friend and I just couldnt focus on anything.

Sophomore year was ok. I had mostly fixed things with the two friends, and moved in to an apartment with one of them and another guy I knew from hs, as well as someone they had met in their dorm the previous year. Living situation was fine, except the other hs friend, lets call him tom, just kinda stopped interacting with any of us eventually. When the year started, we were playing games online together and with our old hs friends, but that gradually faded. It got to the point where one day, me and one of the other guys were playing something in the living room when tom and (presumably) one of his friends walked in. I looked up and said "oh hey" very audibly to him, and he didnt even glance at me, let alone respond. Understandably shocked, I sat and stared at him for the minute or so he was in the apartment for, while having a harder and harder time not bursting out laughing hysterically. I think this was the point where I started having some amount self confidence actually, so thanks tom. Towards the middle of the year, we found some paper on the table with something about dues on it and a big list of names. Turns out, tom was in a frat and we all had no idea. Now I dont particularly care if someone is in a frat or sorority or w/e the hell, but I thought it was funny that we just never knew. It did explain him showing up at like 4 am and immediately passing out on the couch often though. There was also a night where he hosted a frat party at our apartment. I happened to have plans with some online friends that night, so I was home. Thankfully they mostly left me alone, but the highlights of the night were someone yelling "BALLSACK ME BRO" at the top of their lungs, and the group of 15 or so chanting DICKS for minutes on end. Shockingly we did not get a noise complaint. I woke up the next day to the entire apartment being sticky and smelling like alcohol, and also a deck of cards my aunt got me for christmas soaked sitting in the sink. Me and another roommate were the ones who cleaned that all up.

Class wise, I quickly learned that I am not good at circuits, but I survived. I took maybe my favorite college course, which was intro to microcontrollers, made a neat little battleship-esque game using some LED grids, LCD display screen, a keypad, and the microcontroller for my group based final project. That was probably the first and last time I felt like I actually made something and used a ton of knowledge I had learned from the class to do it, and quite frankly Im terrified of looking for work because of it. Just dont feel like I know anything, It all feels fake and arbitrary, and I have to imagine Ill never have the knowledge or skills people want. Maybe Ill be able to learn what I need to get a job, maybe I wont, but I certainly dont feel like Im any closer to that now than I was four years ago.

Junior year the guy who just about cut the rest of us out of his life moved out, and I lived with the other two. My current roommate moved in to my room to escape the weed smell the other guy brought in most days, plus it made doing schoolwork and playing games together easier for the most part. Think this was the year I started doing weekly anime night with some xiv friends (ill drop a list of what weve watched below) maybe it had been the year before, but we're still doing that and it owns. This was the year that I started to really notice some stuff that bothered me about myself. I would make plans to call home or a friend and every day it would just be "eh its kinda late, better just do it tomorrow" then tomorrow it would be "ill get to it later" and then later came and it was too late. Couldnt break that cycle. Still cant most times, and it kinda sucks. Its weird being cognizant of it and still feeling like I dont know what to do, but thats how it is. Dont remember too much else remarkable happening junior year, event or classes wise.

Summer leading up to senior year a friend got fed up with me not reaching out to them or taking initiative, I guess, and things blew up a bit. I decided at that point I should give therapy a try, because I had no clue what else to do and if it actually helped I should find out now as opposed to when its less readily available. It didnt really resolve my issues but it at least gave me some perspective, friendly reminders that my head isnt right about how everything works all the time, that kinda thing. Also led to me at least putting in effort to piece my friendship back together, and its slowly feeling more normal again. Otherwise, Im living with just the one roommate, we had a few friends over a decent amount before corona virus stuff happened, played MTG, jackbox, few other random things. Fall semester I got my first ever D in a class, which doesnt count for credit, all because I just had no idea a project was even assigned, let alone due (due when I was visiting Atlanta, to boot). Project was 10% of the final grade, basically designed to give free points to people, and I ended with like 7 or 8% less than a C- which would have been enough to get credit. Emailed the professor after the semester ended with the project completed asking to get credit, never heard back. Ended up having to take an extra course this semester, which somehow became AST 2001: Introduction to Astrophysics as a 4th year computer engineering student. It was that or some grad level biomedical course (???????????????????????) because my gpa wasnt good enough to take grad level EE courses (but it was good enough for biomedical courses when comp E is just EE with CS???????????????????????). AST 2001 also was not a class I was good at, and am potentially getting a D in. I again emailed my professor explaining my situation, rather wordy. I got an email back the other day that said "You can turn in the assignment you missed, we'll grade it. You'll pass if you dont blow the final" Spent the next 20 minutes laughing, honestly.

Grades are due today, still waiting on THREE Astrophysics assignments :)

An extra shoutout to everyone Ive met online the past few years, I know I thank the xiv crew for being around a lot but seriously just having people around makes things feel so much easier to handle. Its still amazing to me that my entire raid group of 8 met up for thanksgiving in Atlanta this year. I never imagined Id be so comfortable around people I technically have never met, and it was a few of the best days of my life. Getting to hang out with a bunch of people at SGDQs the past few years has always been a summer highlight too, so thank you to everyone Ive interacted with there for being cool. Finally, though probably only one of them will see this, my siblings mean so much to me. All three of them have spent so much time looking out for me, and I dont show enough appreciation. Having the perspective of people so close to me that have dealt with stuff Im dealing with has been amazingly helpful and reassuring. Im eternally grateful that youre all there for me and I love you all.
Feel free to ask me about whatever, be it classes or about therapy or anime or anything.

I think I promised an anime list:
FLCL
Jinrui wa Suitai Shimashita
Kyousougiga
No Game No Life
Baccano!
Mondaiji-tachi
Mob Psycho S1
Tonari no Kaibutsu
Angel Beats
Psycho Pass S1
Clannad S1
Silver Spoon S1
Sakurasou
The Tatami Galaxy
Assassination Classroom
Yurucamp ▲	(Full soundtrack is some outstanding relaxation music, heres a sample: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OVZ8qmH1_fs)
Clannad S2
Puella Magi Madoka Magica
Ga-Rei Zero
Danshi koukousei no nichijou
Overlord S1
K-On!
Nichijou
Bunny Girl Senpai
Paranoia Agent
Toradora!
Working!!
Overlord S2
Mob Psycho S2
Hinamatsuri
Soukou no Strain
Death Parade
Moral Orel*	(not anime)
Acchi Kocchi
Mahoutsukai no Yome
Nyanko Days
Koisuru Asteroid
Katanagatari (In progress)
Steins;Gate (In progress but Ive seen before)