Guy Ritchie rip-off

Even fails at ripping off Guy Ritchie movies.

The migraine was so bad that Don Endo Fro had taken to bed for two days and left his consigliore Frank N Furter in charge of family affairs while he recovered. "I told Lisa and Lily I'm going to New York for a couple days and that you're runnin things till I get back. Don't hesitate to call me if things get fucking hairy or whatever. Now I'm gonna take five fucking aspirins and go to bed and pray to Christ I wake up with a clear head. And Frank any word a this gets out I break your fucking legs"

Don Endo Fro trudged upstairs to his bedroom. "Now I know how it feels to get shot in the fuckin head," he said to himself. He drew the heavy velvet curtains, turning the bedroom into a cave, and swallowed three of his prescription-strength pills before taking to bed.
The migraine had crept up on him two days earlier, small enough to ignore at first, but all-consuming and crippling by that evening. He had struggled through yesterday but couldn't, to his shame, ignore the brain-stabbing pain today.
He slept on and off for an hour or so at a time. His dreams were vivid and disturbing: his abusive uncle was alive and kicking him, his ex-wife was guilt-tripping him about screwing the midwife just hours after the birth of their son Eyes, his father dragging the cancer-ridden family dog outside and feeding him one last steak before shotgunning the poor bitch in the back of the head.
The darkness in the bedroom was constant, and Endofro couldn't tell if it was day or night. He would open his eyes from troubled sleep, thinking his migraine had left. He ate only pills and drank only tap water to wash them down and on the third day he rose again- his head feeling like a blessedly-empty and fresh-aired room. He thanked Christ in all sincerity.


Don EndoFro sat outside by the pool with a glass of orange juice. The summer day was humid and life was beautiful. Frank N Furter arrived to check in with his boss.
" Frank! Young, handsome Frankie! C'mere you sonofabitch! " Don EndoFro called out as Frank made his way across the lawn. The two men hugged heartily, sat together poolside.
" How ya feelin Boss? " Frank asked. " Never better. Like I just won a war. What's the headlines? "
" Good news, Boss. It's all good news. " Frank re-adjusted himself in the chair, tugged his trousers at the crotch. " The Russians ain't gonna be givin us no more headaches "
Don EndoFro was smiling and curious. " Whada you tawkin about? "
" Well," Frank said, " I been in talks with Sergei Semak, and we came to an agreement sorta thing. "
Don EndoFro smile dropped. " Why was you tawkin to dat Russian fuck? "
Frank took a deep breath to stay calm. " He left a message for you to call him at the office butchoo were sick so I took care of it. "
" What the fuck didjoo take care of? "
" Well, we got to talkin and it turns out he feels the same way I do, and the same way a lotta the guys do. We wanna be legit from here on out. "
Don EndoFro wondered what he missed. He knew what 'legit' meant, but maybe Frankie didn't. " Legit? " he said.
" Yeah, you know. No more selling drugs or women. No more gambling. All a that. We wanna put all that behind us, build somethin positive together. Help the community. Legit. "
Don EndoFro stared at Frank without blinking, his grin ready to break out into relieved laughter when Frank delivered the punchline. It didn't come. Frank began to look nervous. He unbuttoned the top button on his shirt.    " It's hot as hell, " he said, taking off his jacket. Don EndoFro noticed he wasn't wearing his gun holster.
" Where's your piece? "
" Oh. Well, " Frank said, " That's another thing. Now that the family's legit, we don't need to carry guns no more. The boys have all agreed. We wanna renounce violence.'
Don EndoFro's heart began to race. The seed of a new headache had been planted. He forced a calm, even tone as he spoke. " Frank, you better tell me that everything you've just said is a joke. I got my son's wedding in two days, I got enough on my plate. "
Frank looked down at his own folded hands. " Boss, that's another thing. "
" What? "
" Eyes's wedding. He wanted to tell you himself, but he hates to disappoint you. "
" What the hell you talkin about? "
" The wedding's off. Eyes broke up with Fran yesterday."
" Getda fuck outta here what the fuck you talkin about, Frank? "
" Boss, Eyes came into the office yesterday to talk to me about it. He don't love Fran. He don't like women like that. "
" Women like what? "
" He don't like women! He's a .... ya know... a fagget "
Don EndoFro bolted up, grabbed Frank by the collar and punched him square in the nose. Frank fell to the ground, his face bloodied.
" Think about what you say about my family before you say it, you piece a shit! "
" Boss, I only wanna see him happy, dontchoo? " said Frank, not attempting to stand up. " You shoulda seen the look on his face, Boss. He was so relieved just to get it off his chest. He was too scared to tell you." Frank received a couple of kicks to the groin and face. A fuming Don EndoFro tore into his house and called one of his captains, Marissa.

" Hey Boss, how was New York " Marissa Smiled at him.
" Nevermind that. Listen, Marissa. Frank comes to my house spouting all sorts a bullshit, calling Eyes a fag and what have you... "
" Boss, I... "
" I'm not finished! You hear anyone, in the family or not, making cracks about Eyes like this, you break their fuckin kneecaps, you unnastand? Cripple em!'
" Gee, Boss," Marissa said. " Didn't Frank tell you? We don't operate like that no more. "

Chat Mafia Turned Legit ( Endofro, Lily, Lisa, Serg, Frank, Fran, Eyes & Marissa )