I don't know what I should do in terms of my living situation because everything genuinely it just feels like a losing option regardless in the end, either I just remain unhappy and hollow and struggle alone for no good reason, or I end up at a point where things feel incredibly helpless and I self harm again, at best. essentially right now I've been really living the good life despite a metric fuck ton of financial, relationship and over all just identity struggles,  to the point of making sure I ate everyday was difficult, but right now, I haven't worked for 3 weeks, and my family has gone through something pretty awful (My younger sister's child died a couple weeks ago)
I'm rambling at this point because it's hard to put into words. Aside from my sister that I mentioned above and my father, I have no real connection to any of my family. I'm sorry to go into such detail about shit that's as dumb as this but it's really fucking messing with my brain at the moment. One side of my family there's a general disconnect because I'm first generation american and I was raised separated from them until I was 16, aside from just the cultural gap, whenever I'm around them I feel like I'm just being disingenuous to myself and as a result to them, it all just feels artificial and that they only speak/tolerate me because solely I'm related to them and I can't ever really be myself around them without being confronted on some shit regarding personal beliefs.
And the other end is my other family that is, just to be as brief as possible, a bunch of honest to god no good, criminal and well fare abusing, homo/trans/literallyeverthing-phobic/mildy racist from my mothers side that I genuinely cannot tolerate.
I've typed a fuck ton at this point and I'll probably delete it later once I realize how dumb it is to expose this much of myself to a bunch of people that didn't even realize i was gone for over a month.
I don't know how to put  it into a tl;dr because it's essentially just a big part of my life but; I currently live with my friends, and even though i personally struggle greatly financially because the only real support I ever get is from either Bam bam or my sister, all of this just got blown the fuck out, I watched my niece die and held her in her final moments of life, I lost my job, and I've been increasingly more aware that all the things I'm doing won't ever be sustainable and I genuinely just don't know what I should do from this point. I'm terrified of being alone because of the potential of me hurting myself. I'm not saying this right now as a way to like put a spotlight on it like I'm planning to do it now, I genuinely fear dying more than anything else imaginable because I genuinely don't know what's going to happen. After what happened to my niece, I genuinely cannot say I believe in a higher power, and as cringy as it sounds, I went from being agnost and over all neutral on the posibility of an omnipotent deity existing, now all I feel is that if there is one, I personally want to go full DemiFiend TDE mode on it.
I just don't want to be alone, but I know that if I choose to stay close to those that I genuinely love, my roommates and Bam bam, I'm essentially just making a short term desicion that stalls out the real ultimatum that I'm going to end up alone. I'm estranged from literally my entire family except for my younger sister and father, and as a result, my entire adulthood, since the moment I made the choice to live on my own at 17, I've bet on my very close friends. But now I'm 22, and they'll all have lives of their own, they'll make their own families and I'll just be here, alone. And that's genuinely the last thing that I want, I can't deal with it. I realistically cannot see myself continue to be alright without anyone else. I just know that it all ends up with me being alone, no matter what, realistically. Even aside from death, where you really just die alone. I don't want that, but realistically that's what's going to happen.Being a person who puts their entire essescence into logic and reason, there's only 4 people that I feel there's a reason to believe in the future for, and one has already told me that it isn't realistic to assume these same relationships that are here now are guaranteed, it's just coming to grips with the realization that I just had no way of avoiding the truth of that. I've been completely embraced by this in giant blanket of apathy, I've made absolutely no progress from the state I was in multiple years ago and I don't see any improvement in sight, any words I read now of things eventually turning out, or thing's being alright are just that, words that I know deep down aren't particularly disingenuous, but come off the same either way.