/V/irgin In Equestria - Chapter 9

>TO DO LIST:

>1. Invent every alcoholic drink known to man.
>2. Buy a toothbrush that won't give you splinters.
>3. Buy a towel big enough to wrap around your waist.
>4. Buy a comb so you don't have to keep using Twilight's brush.
>5. Buy that airtight box for the boots.
>6. Get a job that doesn't suck. Also, earn just enough money so that Celestia won't stop sending those 200 Bits a month.
>7. Get some new clothes somehow (going to the bedroom is out of the question, not with that forest in the way).
>8. Make some cereal that doesn't involve oats.
>9. Ask Twilight about this magic stuff.
>10. Ask Twilight what those marks on their back ends are about.
>11. Find a way to generate electricity and bring modern technology to the p0nies somehow.
>12. Find somewhere to fap without being discovered.
>13. Make Vulcan lose interest in me somehow.
>14. Get back home.

>Standing up from the dressing table, you stretch and flick your wrist a few times to get the feeling back. Re-reading your list, you try to think of anything else you could add but come up blank. You were going to include 'find some meat' but decided against it, after the possibility of Twilight or Spike finding the list popped into your head, not to mention you don't know the first thing about hunting. Before putting the list aside, you add a question mark to the last entry. No point in getting optimistic, is there?
>You then retrieve Luna's letter from your backpack. Reading through it, you try and determine why the Princess would write to you without any warning. Did your saying hello to her in your letter to Celestia the other day prompt this? Not only that, the way she just comes out and tells you about her hobby and that she had a small argument with Celestia screamed a cry for attention at you, not to mention the questions she asked you. Was Twilight's comment earlier about her not having any friends correct? If it was, then it would be a whole new level of pity never before explored you'd be feeling for her. The second most important p0ny in the world and she can't make any friends. Did she really do something scandalous enough to warrant being shunned in such a manner?
>Whatever the truth of the matter, you can't leave a letter addressed to you unanswered. Grabbing the quill, you kneel back down and begin scribbling a response.

>Dear Luna,
>Sorry for the late reply, I've been pre-occupied with getting myself settled. You wouldn't believe what I had to do yesterday. Safe to say, it doesn't bare repeating. Other than that, I've been doing great. Everyone here in P0nyville has helped me get my bearings, it's all so much different from back home. In answer to your question, yes, I have lost track of time when I've been doing things I enjoy. Playing video games mostly, though I have gotten lost in a good novel before. It's a shame I can't show you some of my favourite titles, they would just blow your mind. You paint? You'll have to show me some of your daubings sometime. I'm not much of an artist but I can always appreciate someone else's wo-.

>“Whatcha doin' Anon?”
>You flinch at the voice, causing you to knock over the ink well you were using. Luckily, none of the ink fell onto the letter. Instead, it was spreading all over the floor with surprising speed. You curse and hurriedly try to find something to mop up the black fluid with.
>“Here, take this hanky.”
“Thanks.”
>You take the cloth and dab at the spilt ink. That sure did the trick. There's hardly even a stain on the wooden flooring.
>“Can I have that back?”
>“Huh? Oh sure.”
>You twist around to return the handkerchief back to the mystery voice, only to be greeted by the manic smile of Pinkie Pie.
“SONUVABITCH!”
>You recoil away from the pink pony, bumping into the dressing table and nearly causing the large mirror atop it to come crashing down. Thankfully, it only wavered before shuddering to a halt. Breathing a sigh of relief and rubbing your back where you lunged into a draw handle , you turn your attention to Pinkie, who's holding a hoof to her mouth and chuckling.
“Have you p0nies got some conspiracy to try and make me break Twilight's stuff? It was the telescope with Rainbow this morning, now it's you!”
>She giggles some more, “Come on Anony, why would I want you to make Twilight sad?”
“Who knows? Why don't-?”
>You shake your head before coming to a realisation.
“What did you just call me?”

>“Anony, silly.” She repeats, “I wanted to come up with a good nickname for you, so I said to myself, 'Hey Pinkie, what would be a good nickname for Anon?' Then I said, 'His full name's Anonymous, right? So it needs to be something short.' But I said back, 'He already calls himself Anon, what else is there? What about Mous? No, that's already being used, plus he's not that small either.' So I thought a little more and then I said, 'What about Anony? It's close enough to Anon without being Anon and it kinda rhymes with happy! That's much better!'”
>The way she's staring at you with those big blue eyes of hers is causing you to have a saccharin sweet stroke. Nevertheless, she's committed a grievous error that needs to be corrected.
“Hate to disappoint you Pinkie but... never call me Anony.”
>It may have only been a passing pegasus blocking the Sun, but you swear you could see the colour in Pinkie's coat and made fade slightly. Even your most gentle let-down wasn't gentle enough.
>“Why?” She asks with a whimper.
>Okay, she's emotionally sensitive, time to backtrack. You don't need her bawling her eyes out because of your brashness.
“No offence, it's just... only my grandma called me that.” You explain, “I'd appreciate it if you could call me Anon instead.”
>“Aw, that's so sweet!” She says, her colour returning to its original intensity, “You know, Pinkie isn't my name either. It's Pinkamina Diane Pie. Diane was my granny's name!”

>Disaster averted, dude. Give yourself a gold star.
Thanks.
>You lean on the dressing table and look at the pink p0ny, who's beaming back at you. Reminds you of the first day the two of you met. Well not the first ever day: she and the others assaulted you when they saw you swinging your knife around. You mean the first day when the two of you could understand each other.
>Speaking of your knife, did you ever clean it after stabbing that Hydra?
>Oh well, you can deal with that congealed mess later.
“So Pinkie, care to explain why you're here?” You ask, folding your arms.
>“Sure can!”
>She reaches into her frizzy tail, pulls out a card and gives it to you.
"What's this?"
>She giggles, “Just open it.”
>You follow her instructions. There's a sharp bang and a bundle of multi-coloured streamers burst out. Some of them drape over your glasses, others hang off your shoulders like nightmarish dandruff.
>Pinkie clears her throat, “Anonymous, you are cordially invited as the guest of honour to your very own Pinkie Pie certified welcoming party!”
>She pulls out a kazoo from somewhere and blows on it, buzzing a short tune. You read the card as she does, noticing the address and starting time of said party: Sweet Apple Acres, Eight 'Till Late!
“What's Sweet Apple Acres? Is that a club or something?”
>She laughs, “No silly, that's Applejack's farm. We're having the party in her barn.”
“...Okay.” You say, slowly nodding your head. You're fairly certain that wasn't a euphemism.

>A party at a barn? That's different. The closest to that you've experienced previously was a rave in a warehouse you were forcibly dragged to by some college friends. You doubt there'll be any encounters with gruff p0nies sporting excessive amounts of piercings or being offered the latest in home-laboratory created drugs, but you've never been much of an outgoing guy.
>Then again, this is YOUR party, not some noise-fest in the middle of the night at some grimy dockyard. Not to mention these p0nies don't have alcohol so there's no chance of getting vomited on or fondled inappropriately by some inebriated mare. You have the impression that Pinkie Pie only has the best of intentions. She wouldn't want one of your earliest memories of Equestria to be unpleasant.
“All right Pinkie, I'll be there. I'd be an idiot to pass up on free food and drink.”
>The pony jumps for joy and immediately hugs you the moment she lands. You'd never think she was capable of squeezing the life out of you judging by her small size.
>“Oh Anon, this'll be a night you'll never forget!”
>She thankfully lets go of you, allowing your ribcage to expand, and picks up her kazoo, sticking it in her mane.
>“See you later Anon, I've got to give out all these invitations.”
>She shakes her tail and a whole load of cards, similarly decorated as yours, come tumbling out.
“You sure are a master of concealment, aren't you? Got a printing press in there too?”

>After stuffing them back into her tail, she heads, not for the door leading to the library, but to the stepladder connected to the upper alcove.
“Er Pinkie? The door's this way.” You suggest.
>“Well duh! But I need to get my trampoline, I can't just leave it there!”
>Trampoline?
>Before you get a chance to ask, you watch Pinkie throw herself out of the upper window as if it was the most routine thing in the world. You just stand there, in shock.
>Dude.
She...
>Dude!
That was...
>DUDE! GO AND SEE IF SHE'S ALRIGHT!
>You snap out of your trance, sprint up the stepladder and run over to the window. Just as you're about to stick your head outside, a pink blur shoots up in front of you and you feel your nose being pinched before the blob disappears. Shaking off the random sensation, you look outside to see Pinkie Pie bouncing up towards you.
>“See ya, Anon!” She yips before descending.
>With each bounce, she rises less and less until she comes to a stop, allowing her to get off and drag the apparatus away. That explains how she got in without you noticing. Where she got the trampoline from in the first place, you had no idea. P0nyville didn't seem the sort of place to stock the item. Then again, nothing here remotely made sense.
>Going back down to the dressing table, you look at your unfinished letter to Luna. Only a tenth of the ink survived being knocked over. Not that it mattered anyway, you were nearly finished. Picking up the quill, you add the finishing touches.

>-rk.
>I've literally just been handed an invitation to my own welcoming party whilst in the middle of writing this. I don't know what to expect but I'm sure it will be fun. It's at Sweet Apple Acres later tonight, I don't know if you've heard of it. The last time I went to a farm, I was about half my size and three times as dumb. I still can't believe I tried to wrestle a sheep back then, I never heard the end of it from my teacher and my parents.
>Going to stop here so I can get ready, not to mention I don't have much ink left. Hope you have a good day or night or whatever.
>The one and only human,
>Anonymous.

>Scanning your message for errors, you instead realise how informally you've written the entire thing. You're about to pick up the quill again but realise you barely have enough ink left to rewrite your first sentence, let alone the entire letter. Sighing, you roll it up, tie it with a red ribbon and scribble Luna's name on it. Hopefully, she won't take offence to your tone.
>As you gather together the remaining writing supplies you didn't use, you think about the festivities later tonight. Before you can continue that train of thought however, a loud boom erupts from the other side of the door leading to the library, strong enough to knock you off your feet.
>As you lie there, you try and figure out what just happened. Concerned for the well-being of your two housemates, you crawl over to the door and open it, allowing thick white smoke to billow out.
What the Hell happened?
>Oh my God, Anon. A bomb!
A bomb!... Wait, that's stupid. Seriously brain, who'd want to blow the library up?
>A pony that hates books? I don't know dude.
>As you carefully manoeuvre your way down the steps by sense of touch alone, you catch sight of something wispy falling through the murky air. A second later, you sneeze violently. As you pull your hand away from your mouth, you're shocked to see that what came out of your nose was... shiny. To be more specific, it glittered.
>That can't be good.
>Never mind what did this, you want to know who and why.

“Twilight! Hey Twilight!” You call out, “Where are you?”
>You keep trudging through the smoke. Funny, it doesn't smell like it came from a fire.
>There's coughing coming from your left, “Over here Anon!”
>Waving the smoke aside, you make your way over to Twilight's voice. Soon, you find the unicorn lying on the floor, buried by a pile of books.
“What the Hell happened?” You ask, pulling her out from under the tomes.
>“It was so fast.” She replies distraughtly, “One minute I was reading up on the uses for willow leaves, then there was a knock at the door. Spike went to answer it and... my goodness, Spike!”
>She slips free from your grip and gallops in the direction of the front door. You follow, wading through the smoke and nearly tripping over a number of times. She must have the layout of the library memorised, it's the only explanation.
>As you reach your destination, you see Twilight standing over the obscured figure of Spike. She's paralysed in shock.
>He's breathing but...
“Oh shit... Twilight, open all the doors and windows, now! We need to get all this smoke out of here!”
>With a flash of magic, you hear everything swing open. Another spark and a strong wind whips up, blowing away the obscuring haze.
>You can now clearly see Spike. He's breathing, good. Nothing looks broken either.
>You amateur diagnosing halts when the obscene amount of fine glitter stuck to his body, not to mention gaudy sequins and wads of confetti catches your attention.

>Okay, this just went into surreal territory. There's a load of the colourful dust spread out on the floor in an arcing pattern, at its thinnest closest to the door and widening further away, save for a gap where Spike must have been standing when the stuff exploded in front of him. There are hundreds, if not thousands, of paper streamers littered all around the library, meaning they had to have been blasted out with some degree of force.
>You look outside. There are a couple of dimples on the ground where whatever device that contained the shiny mayhem was positioned, waiting for Spike to open the door. Getting a face load of glitter wasn't a friendly greeting, no matter what universe you came from.
>Got any suspects dude?
Hmm... Hey, that postal mare! The one that Spike said I should get a muffin for! Do you think she could have done this, brain?
>Maybe dude. You'd better tell Twilight.
Will do. Nobody escapes the law on my watch!
>As you're about to relay this information, a chuckle from the unicorn throws you off guard.
>“You can relax Anon, Spike's fine.”
>You stand there dumbstruck. Before you can argue why the grey winged menace should be locked up for injuring your smallest friend, an annoyed groan from the little guy interrupts you. As he gets back on his feet, he wipes the shiny amalgamation from off his face.
>“Ow.”
“You all right bro?”
>He spits out some confetti, “I've had worse.” He replies, removing some streamers stuck on his spines as he does.

“Any clue what that was?” You ask.
>“Only one.” He says, continuing to brush the glitter off himself. Before he finishes, his hand stops atop his chest. With a swipe, he pulls away something concealed by the glitter, leaving a irregular hexagonal hole and exposing his belly. He bangs them on the wall to shake off the mess, revealing two cards similarly decorated to the one Pinkie gave you.
>“Hey Twi, this one's for you.” Spike informs the unicorn.
>Twilight levitates the card over to her, opens it and reads aloud.
>“Twilight Sparkle, you are warmly invited to attend the welcoming party of P0nyville's newest two-legged resident,  Anonymous. Sweet Apple Acres, eight 'till late. Be sure to bring your biggest smile.”
>The dragon does likewise with his, “Spike, ever wanted to see how Anonymous dances? Come to Sweet Apple Acres at eight o'clock tonight and get funky with him at his welcoming party.”
>The two of them look at you.
>“Didn't you get an invite Anon?” Spike asks, “It's your party.”
“Yeah, Pinkie already gave mine to me. She sneaked in through the bedroom window. It's upstairs.” You point a thumb upstairs, “Did she do this?” You gesture at the shiny chaos.
>“Well, she didn't. Her party cannon did.”
You do a double take, “Sorry, did you just say party cannon?”
>“Yeah.”
“A party... cannon?”
>“Don't you know what a cannon is Anon?” Twilight asks.
“Of course I do, it's just... I didn't think that you p0nies would have...”
>“That we would have what?”
“Never mind.”

Brain, quick note. Cannons mean gunpowder, gunpowder means explosives, explosives mean grenades.
>Dude, you're not serious, are you?
Deadly serious.
>Gunpowder grenades? Don't you know how dangerous those things were back in the 11th century? Grenadiers blew themselves apart just as much as they blew up their targets.
I'm going to be careful.
>And they weren't?
Look, anything I can make for defence while I'm here is good for both of us. I'm not suggesting that I'd make fragmentation or white phosphorous grenades, though it would be relatively easy. Hell, I could make stinger grenades or flashbangs. No need to lose my no-kills streak.
>Easy? Let me stop you right there dude. First, the only way you'd be able to make these grenades is if you had the instructions to do so. Oh wait, you can't because they're on your computer, sitting in the middle of that crazy forest, completely useless since there's no electricity here.
I'm sure I'd figure it out eventually.
>That brings me onto my next point. Assuming you don't kill both of us via trial and error, what makes you think Celestia will be fine with this?
She doesn't need to know.
>And if she finds out? Dude, she may not be omnipresent but she certainly has eyes and ears everywhere, least of all Twilight who has a direct line to her.
I'll just say it's an invention to help with excavation for mining.
>And a nuclear bomb is meant for creating artificial lakes. I don't know how you can live with yourself, dude.
I get by.

>“Hey Anon.”
>You blink and return the land of cognizance.
>“You okay? You kinda just drifted off there.” Spike asks.
“Sorry, I got lost in my own thoughts. A cannon... I can't wait to see what the party's going to be like if that's how she sends out the invites. Eight o'clock. That leaves us with...” You look at the clock on the wall, “just over four hours to burn. Any ideas?”
>As if in answer, a strong breeze blows in through the front door, sending the glitter on the floor cascading through the air. You, Twilight and Spike sneeze in unison.
>“I certainly can't work in these conditions.” The unicorn expresses, “I think we should tidy this mess up.”
>You're glad she didn't exclude herself from the obviously arduous task you were about to face.
“Sounds like a plan. I guess we should split up, that way we won't stumble over each other doing the same jobs. Twilight, you can collect all the streamers that are everywhere. Your magic should make short work of finding them all.”
>“Err... sure. Okay, I can do that.” She says hesitantly.
>She certainly isn't used to someone ordering her around. You make a mental note of this in case you need to get her riled up for whatever reason.
“Good. Spike, get your dustpan and bring me a broom. We'll be sequin seeking, glitter gathering and confetti confining.”
>He nods and scampers off. As he does, you think about what other ballistic technology Equestria might have managed to develop without the use of fingers and opposable thumbs.

>You and your scaly partner make good headway but there's still a lot of ground to cover. If you didn't know any better, you'd think more of the shiny stuff was materialising out of thin air just to keep you busy. No matter, you keep your mind on the rhythm: sweep, scoop and chuck.
“Hey Spike.”
>Sweep.
>“Yeah?”
>Scoop.
“This party cannon Pinkie has. What does she use it for?”
>“Isn't it obvious?”
>Chuck.
“Besides parties.” You respond with a tut, “A cannon doesn't really have many uses outside of launching stuff at high speeds. What else could she use it for?”
>“You'd have to ask her. All I know is she doesn't use it every day. It'd loose its appeal if she did.”
>You prop your broom up against a bookcase.
“Appeal? It's a bloody cannon! You're lucky you weren't killed by the blast just now!”
>Spike smirks and shakes his head in disbelief, “Pinkie's qualified, I've seen her official operator's license. She knows what she's doing.”
“A license?” You query in disbelief, “For a cannon?”
>“Yeah, it came with it when she bought it from old man Periwinkle. It's got gold leaf trim and embossed letters and everything!”
“Wow, now I know I'm in safe hands!”
>“I know right?” He says, not picking up on your sarcasm.
>You grab the broom and resume sweeping. As you do, Twilight returns from the bedroom in a huff. A sphere the size of a beach ball made up of paper streamers is floating behind her. You'd testify before a judge that there couldn't have been that many of them.

>“I swear, that Pinkie has no clue to the amount of chaos she causes.” She declares to no-one in particular, “Aren't both of you finished yet?”
“Err... No.”
>“Well can you hurry up please? I can't work in these conditions and I have a lot of studies to squeeze in if I'm going to be attending your party tonight, Anon.”
>What a slave driver.
“What's the matter? Can't bear to be a little untidy?”
>“This isn't untidy, it's... disorganised.” She shivers at the sound of the word, “I can't bear to be be disorganised.”
“Why not? It won't kill you.”
>“But if I'm disorganised, I'll be preoccupied trying to get organised instead of working. If I do that, then I'll be wasting time. If I waste time, I'll be-”
>“Twilight, no!” Spike interrupts, dropping the dustpan, “Don't even think of going down that road again. Did you forget what happened last time?”
>This sounds delicious.
“What did she do, Spike?” You ask, trying to coax it out of him.
>“Spike, don't you dare!” She screeches.
“Come on dude, tell me everything.”
>The dragon looks uncertainly at you and his four legged companion. He's never had to deal with a circumstance like this before.
“Come on bro, out with it.”
>“But Anon... Twilight I... Argh!”
>Suffering from a crisis of conflict, Spike runs off screaming, jumping up several stairs at a time and slamming the bedroom door behind him.
>You look at Twilight, one eyebrow cocked. She's still looking at the door, jaw hanging open.
“Care to tell me then?” You brazenly ask.

>“What? Of course I'm not going to tell you!” She replies, “I'm still embarrassed even now from what happened!”
>Her resistance is only making your penis harder. Your metaphorical penis representing your curiosity that is, not your actual one. That'd just be messed up.
>Time to kick it up a notch.
“Hey Twilight, here's an idea. Tell me what happened and I won't tell Celestia you've still got Spike doing your cleaning when she... what was it again? That's it, she ordered you to do it yourself. Sound fair?”
>She stares at you, bewildered that you would stoop to playing the blackmail card.
>“That is, without a doubt, the most underhoofed thing I've ever heard.” She states.
“Maybe, but those who dare are the ones that win. I call it insurance myself. So...” You gesture at her to spill the beans.
>Repulsed by your mercilessness, She paces for a few seconds before groaning, “Fine. I hate being tardy.”
You squint at her, “That's it?”
>“I know, it's the most pointless thing ever to get worked up over! Everyp0ny says so. A while ago, I couldn't think of anything I had learned about friendship and I was afraid Celestia would be upset if I didn't hand anything in. So I kinda... created a friendship problem that I could resolve and write about. The Princess got involved and we try not to talk about what happened.”
“Yeah, I can't find myself disagreeing with them.” You interject.
>“Well I'm really glad you think so.” She says condescendingly.

>She wanders off in the direction of her desk. Once she gets there, she begins straightening a pile of papers and arranging a number of quills using her magic. Talk about OCD.
“Looks to me like you need to ease up a bit.” You suggest, “All this studying is probably what's driving you up the wall.”
>Shocked that you would make such a suggestion, she faces you and bellows, “But I can't just stop!”
“Why not?”
>She's getting flustered, “Because...! Because I...! I don't want to!”
“Even if it means losing your grip on normalcy?”
>“Of course not! It's just... I can't!”
“'Can't' still isn't a reason, Twilight.” You point out.
>“If I could explain it, Anon, I would. The thought of not learning just... puts me on edge.”
>Using her magic, she grabs a book from off the floor and turns to a page. Levitating a quill, she dips it in the ink well fitted to the desk and begins writing.
“You're going to be in for a nasty surprise in seventy years, I'm sorry to say, and don't think you'll be able to learn everything there is to know before then.”
>She sighs remorsefully, setting the quill down, “I know.”
You go over to her and tussle her mane, “Hey, cheer up, I don't need you getting depressed over this. We've got a party later, focus on that, keep your spirits up.”
>She smiles, “I'll try.”
“Good. Just so you know, the insurance thing works both ways. You'll probably find something you can use against me.”
>She chuckles, “Thanks Anon, but I don't think I'm heartless enough.”

>You leave Twilight to her research, most likely on life extension potions. As you head off to find Spike, you mull over what she last said. Are you heartless? You didn't think so. Being heartless would involve doing something like not giving a starving man a meal to eat or driving away after knocking someone down with a car. P0ny morals seemed to extend to not just the actions of an individual but their intentions as well, even if no real harm came of them. If that was the case, you're going to need to control your tongue better. That incident with Rainbow Dash at the bar this morning was probably the first sign.
>Once you enter the bedroom, you find Spike slowly rocking himself at the top of the stepladder.
“Hey buddy, you can relax.” You call up to him, “Twilight told me everything.”
>He stops and turns to face you.
>“Really?
“Yeah. She's really got a thing about schedules and being on time with stuff. I told her she needs to cut back on the reading.”
>He climbs down to meet you, “I've said that to her as well, she never listens though.”
“Seems she did with me.”
>“Nuh-uh, today yeah, but by tomorrow, she'll forget all about it and be back to her old self.”
>So much for your words of wisdom.
“Sounds like she needs a distraction.” You snap your fingers, “Speaking of which, the DS should be recharged by now.”
>Spike's eyes light up, “Does that mean I can play some more?”
“Sure but let's finish clearing up first.”
>His enthusiasm disappears, “If you say so Anon.”

>You and Spike soon finished cleaning. Afterwards, you recovered your DS from the sky deck and allowed the dragon to enjoy another foray into the land of Hyrule.
>Twilight recovered from your conversation with her, more so once she heard the DS was ready for use again. She tried having a minor hissy fit to voice her dislike of not having first go but it ended up being more cute than unbecoming. She did get her hooves on the console but didn't get very far after her boss battle with the Armos Knights, electing to wonder around the world to search for hidden items and slice up enemies rather than head straight for the Desert Palace.
>Once the town's clock tower rang seven, however, the three of you pounced into action. Twilight galloped straight for the bathroom before you could and spent ages preening herself.
“Hurry up in there!” You shouted, “You're half my size, how can you take so long?
>When she did eventually emerge, smelling of honeysuckle, Spike leapt in before you could lift your foot off the ground.
“Oi!”
>Thankfully, he got out fairly quickly, allowing you to tidy yourself up. There was nothing you could do about the stubble on your face. Again, you berated yourself for not packing some razors into your backpack when you had the chance. Would the p0nies sell them? Probably not considering they're covered with hair. Then again, Hephaestus had a moustache. If the dudes could grow facial hair, they had to have a way to keep it under control.

>It's 7:50pm.
>Your boots are as clean as they're going to get. You would have polished them but what do you know, no boot polish.
>Your clothes, while unstained, aren't smelling particularly fresh. If you had known about the party earlier, you might have washed them beforehand.
>Your hair is tidy but has one or two streaks of purple in it, due in part to using Twilight's brush. Buying that comb might need to go up a place on the list.
>Your teeth are nice and clean, probably the only part of you that hasn't got a downside attached.
>After explaining that his magic was essentially peer-to-peer with Celestia only and couldn't direct it elsewhere, you get Spike to send your letter to the Princess for her to deliver it to Luna.
>With all that accomplished, it's time to get this party started.
>You're taking your backpack with you, as well as your axe. One thing's for sure, you don't want to leave Celestia's crown unattended and you're not going to let it out of your sight.
>The walk through P0nyville is pleasant enough. The setting sun is saturating everything with deep orange hues. In the town square, p0nies are busy closing their shops and taking away their market stalls for the night.
>You, Twilight and Spike wish every p0ny you meet a good evening. They all respond in kind. You always imagined places where people retiring to being like this.
>Without realising it, you've begun whistling a tune.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YhNUnPxuyDQ

>Leaving town, you follow a dusty trail. Two white picket fences soon begin running parallel with the path, separating wayfarers from row upon row of trees. You notice large blobs of red contrasting against the bright green of the leaves. Apples obviously, in season too. Far off in the distance, rolling hills, all with apple trees populating them, stretch to the horizon. Guess this place isn't called Sweet Apple Acres for nothing.
>Eventually, the three of you come to a timber archway wrapped in vines. Hanging from it is a wooden board with a hole cut into it in the shape of an apple. Written in p0ny-glyphs underneath, a tagline reads: Sweet Apple Acres – Home Of The Sweetest Apples in Equestria.
>You recall the apple juice passed off as cider back at the Morose Mule this morning. Rainbow's friend Apple Crunch did say it was made by the Apple Family. Since that was the case, you assume they made it with their own stock. Despite the lack of alcohol, it did taste good and was very sweet.
>As you wonder why this place is referred to as a farm instead of an orchard, the clucking of chickens from a nearby coop answers that question for you. Looking around, you spot a sheep pen and unusually clean pigsties. To your left, there are stalks of corn growing. Behind the farm's barn, there's a large orange building with a giant carrot on top of it.
>“This is it Anon.” Twilight announces, “What do you think?”
>You sniff.
“Smells good for a farm.”

>The three of you continue onwards to the barn, all three of you participating in the tune. You realise now that it isn't painted a solid red colour but has detailing in darker paint in the form of sprouting plants. There are also window boxes filled with flowers at the base of every window on the upper floor. Considering that you can't see a house nearby, you guess that the Apple family must live upstairs. Since you don't know how many members of the Apple family there are, you can't say whether it might cramped to live up there or not.
>Once you get to the large structure, you knock on the front door.
>No answer.
“Hey Twilight, the invitations did say that the party was today, didn't they?”
>“Well... No actually.” She answers, similarly perplexed, “All it said was here at eight o'clock.”
>You knock again, harder this time.
“Great.”
>Frustrated, you lean against the door but are taken by surprise when it swings open, causing you to tumble inside and bang your head.
“Dammit.” You groan.
>You clamber to your feet and peer around. The room's completely dark, save for the entrance where you fell through. Twilight and Spike follow you inside but as soon as they do, the door slams shut behind them.
>You've played enough games to know where this is heading.
“Okay. Where's the sub-boss that thinks he's hard enough?” You call out.
>As soon as you finish your goading, the lights come on, followed by a blast of party horns.
>“SURPRISE!”

>As your eyes adjust to the sudden change in illumination, you see a familiar band of p0nies all smiling and wearing party hats. A floating balloon draws your attention to the decorations. Everything looks like it was designed with an eight year old's tastes in mind but it's clear they went to a lot of trouble to get this all set up for you.
“Are we going to party then?” You titter.
>Pinkie rushes over to you, gets on her hind legs and gives you another crushing hug, “Oh Anon! I knew you'd love it!”
You gasp for air, “Pinkie! Lungs deflating!”
>She lets you go, letting you breathe.
“Ah! Wow! Good God!” You wheeze, “How are you so strong?”
>She giggles but doesn't give an answer. You look over at the other p0nies, all of them snickering as well.
>“Glad ya'll could make it Anon.” Applejack says, “We've been workin' our flanks off since daybreak fer ya.”
>“Isn't it just divine, darling?” Rarity asks, fluttering her lashes.
“I appreciate it.” You chuckle, “I have to so say though, it's a bit of a small party, don't you think? Just the eight of us?”
>Before anyone gets to retort, there a knock at the door. Twilight opens it, allowing three familiar figures to trot inside.
>“You haven't started already, have you?” Hephaestus asks gruffly.
>“Come now brother,” Lugh responds, “You really think they would begin the festivities without us?”
>“I hope not.” Vulcan adds, “I wouldn't want to miss Anonymous showing us his moves.”
>The earth p0ny bits his lower lip once he finishes talking.

>You say a heartfelt hello to the two unicorns but keep your greeting to Vulcan as short as possible. Unfortunately, it backfires and seems to entice the earth p0ny more so than before.
>Preferring to keep your distance from your admirer, you stand by the front door and watch the Sun set. The chirping of crickets sets the mood perfectly.
>“Good to see you Anonymous.” You turn to see the Mayor approaching, still looking as prim and proper as when you first spoke with her, “How have you been keeping?”
“Well enough, thank you Miss.”
>The mare chuckles, “Anon please, Miss makes sound like some old fuddy-duddy. Call me Hayseed instead.”
“If you say so Miss... I mean Hayseed.”
>She laughs to herself before wandering over to the other p0nies. That band-and-forth gave you a major flashback to this teacher who used to work at your secondary school. Long story short, she got fired once the faculty discovered she was having a relationship with another student in your class. If you weren't so dense back then, that could have been you.
>Luckily or unluckily, the only p0ny who seemed to have some form of infatuation with you was Vulcan. Thankfully the Mayor, or rather Hayseed, isn't displaying any attributes of the dreaded cougar.
>The Sun finally dips below the horizon, allowing the stars to blink into sight, gradually followed by the Moon as the cherry on the cake. Luna definitely does a stellar job, pun unintended.
>Seeing Orion reminds you of home.

>An hour passes and the barn is now full of p0nies happily chatting to one another, Pinkie Pie confirming that all the guests have arrived. Besides a few familiar faces, such as Apple Crunch who arrived with an air of indifference towards you, most of the p0nies here are complete strangers.
>With that being the case, you've given yourself the goal of introducing yourself to all the guests. Problem is, where do you start?
Any suggestions brain?
>First of all dude, get off this bale of hay you've been perched on for the last thirty minutes.
Besides the bleeding obvious?
>Let's see... How about those two mares over there?
What, the mint green unicorn and the cream earth p0ny?
>That's them dude.
Here I go.
>You walk over to the two p0nies standing by a buffet table, busily picking out what food they wanted to eat.
“Evenin' ladies.”
>They both turn to look at you. The unicorn nearly chokes on a piece of tomato whilst her companion keeps on pouring salad dressing onto a bowl full of vegetation.
“Careful there, you don't want to drown it.”
>The cream earth p0ny stares at you, confused, then realises what you're talking about. She spits the ladle out and groans once she sees that her salad is nearly submerged.
“Here, let me.”
>You grab another bowl, fill it up, then drain some of the vinaigrette from her portion onto it. You repeat this action until the bottom of her bowl is visible again.
“There we go, problem solved.” You say, putting the bowl down in front of her.

>Both of the p0nies keep their focus on you. If you didn't know any better, you'd think that they couldn't speak.
“So... both of you do have names, right?” You ask after too many silent seconds.
>The unicorn laughs nervously before facing you straight on. Her friend does likewise.
>“It's an honour to meet you Mr. Anonymous!” She blurts out.
“No need to be so formal, I'm just a regular guy. Call me Anon.”
>“Anon? Oh my...” She trails off and begins muttering to herself.
>“Sorry Anon.” The other p0ny says, taking over, “You have to understand, it's just so exciting for us to finally meet you face to face like this.”
“My pleasure... I guess.”
>Why do you suspect this conversation is about to take a strange direction?
“So... what do I call both of you?”
>“Huh? Oh right, silly me. I'm BonBon. This is Lyra Heartstrings.” She nudges her partner, “Hey Lyra! Stop skitzing out! Don't blow this for both of us!”
>The unicorn stops her monologuing, “Huh? Oh sorry!” She calms herself down, “It was Anon right?”
>You nod.
>“Oh wow! I can't believe it!” She says with unbridled giddiness, “I never dreamt an opportunity like this would present itself! Anon... We've been waiting a long time for this moment!”
>Okay...
“What's she talking about?” You query.
>Lyra looks shocked. She and BonBon huddle together and whisper to each other. You're not sure but you think you overhear something about luminosity.
>“You did receive our signals, didn't you?” The unicorn asks.

>Looks like you've taken the off-ramp into crazy territory.
“I don't know what you mean. What signals?”
>Both of them look horrified.
>“You mean you didn't see our lights?” Lyra asks.
“No. Seriously, what are you talking about?”
>BonBon steps forward, “Every night for the past six years, Lyra and I have been using a complex system of sunstones and shutters to beam messages into space to attract the attention of any extra-Equestrian lifeforms. Are you saying you didn't see them from your vessel?”
>Next stop: X-Files Central.
“Vessel? Wait a minute, let me see if I've got this right. Are you two alien hunters?”
>“No no!” Lyra jumps in, “Our intentions are entirely altruistic. We only want to make peaceful contact with other life in the cosmos!”
“Sorry, poor choice of words. You want to make friends with aliens, is that better?”
>They both nod.
“Okay, glad I cleared that up. I hate to disappoint the two of you but... I'm not from up there.” You point in the intended direction.
>“How can that be? You're not from Equestria, are you?” BonBon asks.
“No.”
>“Then you must be from another world!” She states blindly.
“Oh boy, where do I begin? Okay, yes, I'm not from Equestria. Then again, I'm not from outer space either. I didn't fly here.”
>“Then where did you come from? You had to come from somewhere.”
>Talk about an interrogation, these girls are relentless.
“That's the difficult bit. To be honest, I don't know.”
>Both of them stare dumbfounded at you.
>“But how?”

>Before you get a chance to respond to her philosophical tangent, the unicorn grabs her cohort.
>“BonBon, wait! He might not know because he has no complete knowledge of any other civilisation.”
>She gasps, “You're right Lyra! Are you thinking what I'm thinking?”
>A smile forms, “A probe of some kind, an organic construct made from local materials?”
>“That's right, Brilliant! We're clearly dealing with a society far in advance of our own.”
>“If that's the case, his creators may arrive to reclaim him!” Lyra posits.
>They both turn back to you, a mad gleam in their eyes.
>“Are we talking to an artificial personality built for our benefit or is there an entity controlling this platform?” The unicorn queries.
>Time to bring this conversation back to the ground.
“Okay, time out. I'm not some faulty Bracewell probe making contact with any intelligent life I can find in the galaxy, okay? I'm a human, not a robot, made out of flesh and blood just like the two of you.”
>The two mares seem to have finally gotten the message.
>“Where do you come from?” BonBon repeats.
“I was going to tell you before you went off on your insane line of questioning. I'm from Earth, a planet not too dissimilar to this one we're standing on.”
>This sparks their interest, “Where is Earth?” Lyra questions.
>You need an explanation that both of them will understand.
“Follow me.”
>You dump your bag and axe by the door and the two p0nies escort you outside. They should be safe there.

>Outside in the cool night air, you stare up at the sky. No clouds are obscuring the stars.
>Splendid.
>Lyra and BonBon are staring up too, faces filled with wonder. You know how that feels.
“Okay girls, look over here.”
>You point towards your favourite arrangement of stars.
“What do you call that constellation here?”
>“The Skywalker.” Lyra answers, awe in her eyes, “He was a heroic p0ny from antiquity who defended our ancestors against malevolent spirits, driving them into the depths of Tartarus. His belt that held his tools of righteousness was given to him by his special somep0ny as a good luck charm for his safe return. As a reward for his actions, he was immortalised in the night sky by the Princesses.”
>Sounds like the plot of a decent fantasy novel. To be fair, the human account is just as entertaining but good luck remembering how it goes. You wish you had your encyclopedia of myths with you.
>Actually, it wouldn't be fair to call it a story. Tartarus is a real place here in Equestria. You even saw the map in that book you read this morning, showing you where it's located. Is it too much of a leap to believe that the account is true?
“That's pretty cool. Back on Earth, his name is Orion.”
>“Really? What was he famous for?” The unicorn asks.
You shrug, “Can't remember. He wasn't a real person though, just a character from a story.”
>“Wow. What do you call that one?” Lyra points toward a cluster of stars.
“Don't know, we don't have that in our night sky.”

>For the next quarter of an hour, you and the two mares continue stargazing. You find out that Orion isn't the only constellation from back home that's here too. Canis Major and Minor are up there, though they aren't in the correct locations, hence why you couldn't find them that night you were with Luna. Their story is different too, being twin puppies that played forever during their everlasting youth as opposed to Orion's hunting dogs. When queried about why they had the same name as their human counterparts, right down to the Latin word for dog, Lyra says Canis is an ancient Equestrian word. Go figure.
>“Wait a minute.” BonBon interrupts.
>Ah, at last. Good that one of them finally caught on.
>“How can you have the same constellations above your planet as we do here? It's impossible.”
>You sigh. Here we go again.
“See, that's the tricky bit. I've been racking my brain, trying to figure out how I got here and I'm still no closer to an answer. One minute I was at home, the next I'm here. Why? I don't know. How is an even bigger mystery. Time travel? A jump between different realities? Hell, I could be unconscious in a hospital and this is all a dream. I've got no clue.”
>Your words have served only to confuse the p0nies.
“Okay, this is going nowhere.” You say, scratching your head, “Let me see if I can demonstrate it better than I can describe it.”
>You head back inside the barn with the pair of xenophiles in tow.

>Is your bag and axe where you left it, untouched and unmolested? Yes and... yes. Okay, moving on...
>In your absence, one of the p0nies has gotten some music playing, on a phonograph no less. Some of the guests are dancing along to the tune, though you doubt you'll be joining in unless the track changes to something with a faster beat and more bass. Electro-pop is hardly your favourite genre.
>As you walk over to the buffet table where you approached Lyra and BonBon, Spike strolls towards you, a half-bitten gem in hand.
>“Where'd you go Anon?” He asks, “This party's going great!”
“Just been talking to the alien lovers.” You gesture over at the two p0nies behind you, “Gonna be showing them some science. Interested?”
>“Science?” He sticks a finger down his throat and pretends to gag, “I get enough of that from Twilight.”
>Out of nowhere, Twilight appears by Spike's side, glaring at him.
>“Not that there's anything wrong with science!” He hurriedly adds, “I'll just... be leaving.”
>The dragon slinks away and goes over to Rarity, who's chatting with Lugh.
“I don't think I have to ask whether you'd be intrigued enough to learn something new, am I right Twilight?”
>She chuckles and proceed to follow you to the table, along with Lyra and BonBon.
>Good, there's still some of those bowls of salad left.
“Okay ladies, time for human theoretical physics 101. Ready?”
>The three of them nod together.
“Then lets begin.”

>You grab a bowl of salad and hold it up.
“Pretend for a minute that this is my world.”
>“Earth right?” Lyra chimes in.
“Yeah.” You grab a lone cherry that had been left on the table, “Now pretend this is me.”
>You plop the cherry into the bowl.
“So that's me, living my life with all the other cherries.”
>You put the bowl down, then pick up another one.
“This is Equestria. Got it?”
>They nod.
“Good.”
>You place the second bowl down next to the first.
“There's a theory from back home that there are other universes that exist in parallel with my own. Normally, they cant interact with each other.”
>You look around the table and take a paper plate from a pile. You position it between the two bowls.
“So even if I wanted to, I couldn't interact with any of the other universes.”
>You pick up the cherry and ram it into the plate a few times.
“Clear so far?”
>They nod in unison.
“Cool.”
>Using a handy knife, you cut a hole in the plate.
“Now what might have happened is a tear between our worlds opened and I was pulled though.”
>You take the cherry, push it through the hole and drop it into 'Equestria.'
“As soon as that happened, the tear closed and... here we are.”
>You replace the damaged plate with a new one to illustrate your point, banging the cherry against it.
>Lyra raises a hoof. “Question: are you suggesting that Equestria is another Earth?”
“Yep.”
>“Why can't it be the other way around?”
“Because that would be true as well.”
>“...I'm lost.”
You sigh, “So am I.”

“Now as for time travel, that's fairly simple.” You continue.
>You take a bowl and place the cherry into it.
“Earth and me.”
>You remove the cherry, take the knife and begin stirring the salad clockwise.
“This is time moving forward.”
>You stop your motion.
“Earth is now Equestria.”
>You put the cherry back.
“Here I am now.”
>The p0nies look a little more skeptical this time.
>“That can't be right Anon.” Twilight says cynically, “We've never heard about humans before.”
>“Yeah, she's right.” Lyra confirmed, “If that was true, we'd be finding skeletons and the ruins of human cities any time we dug up the ground”
“Fine.”
>You remove the cherry and begin stirring the salad with the knife again, this time counter-clockwise.
“There, now Equestria is a younger Earth. That being the case, it logically means your whole society will get destroyed sometime in the future, allowing for my to rise up. Does that make more sense?”
>The colour has drained from their faces somewhat.
“Relax, like I said, it's only a guess. Most people back home weren't even sure that time travel was possible or if multiple universes actually existed. The truth could be much simpler.”
>“Such as?” BonBon asks.
“That Equestria is only a few light years away from Earth and I was somehow transported instantly from there to here.”
>This has given them food for thought.
>“So does that mean you could be from... out there?” Lyra proposes.
“Maybe.”

>Lyra and BonBon squeal in delight before trotting off, conversing with each other. What a pair.
>Finding a fork, you stab at the salad in the bowl you're still holding and eat. Despite soaking in salad dressing for nearly half an hour, the vegetation is still crispy and fresh.
>“Well that was... entertaining.”
>You look at Twilight, who's looking at you with a cracked smile.
“I like to please my fans.” You retort after swallowing some lettuce.
>“Parallel worlds? Time travel? Humans must be crazy if they think any of that is true.”
“If you think that's crazy, you should hear some of the other ideas we have floating around.”
>You stuff a few slices of cucumber into your mouth.
“Anyway, the pair of them are enamoured with me, only makes sense to keep them happy. If I'm the foundation of their relationship, who am I to tear it away?”
>Twilight looks at you quizzically.
“Uh... You do know what I'm on about, right?”
>She shakes her head.
“Do I really have to say it?”
>“Say what?”
“That they're... you know...”
>You wobble your head in an effort to get her to understand.
>“That they're what?”
“Are you deliberately making this difficult for me? They... mash cookies.”
>Twilight scoffs, “Neither of them bake.”
“Goodness. They grind beans, okay?”
>“I didn't know either of them made coffee.”
“No, they clam joust!”
>“Why would they make clams fight each other? That's horrible.”
>You're going to need some visual aids for this. Searching the buffet table, you find what you need.

“This.” You hold up a skewer with vegetables on it and point it at yourself.
“You.” A sticky ring doughnut is in your other hand and you thrust it towards the unicorn.
>You poke the skewer through the hole in the doughnut and move it back and forth. It takes a second for Twilight to get the meaning of your demonstration. When she does, she nearly screams and blushes madly.
>“Sweet Celestia! Anon, are you saying you... and me... do that!?”
“What? No! Okay, this belongs to a guy, this belongs to a girl. You with me?”
>Her face is still bright red but she manages to nods, keeping her eyes on the skewer wedged into the confectionery as she does.
“Good. Jeez.”
>You throw the skewer down and pick up another doughnut.
“This is Lyra's.” You say, holding up one doughnut, “This is BonBon's.” You hold up the other.
>In an impressive display of charades, you bump the two doughnuts together and grind them against each other.
“Please say you understand now. I don't know any other ways to put this.”
>She stares at your sticky exhibit for a while, “I don't... Oh. Oh!”
>Finally!
>“They're not... that... though.”
“Are you kidding? Of course they are!”
>“You need to get your mind out of the gutter. They're just friends, that's all.”
“That live together, share the same interests and do most things together.” You add.
>“Yeah, how did you know that?”
“Wild guess.” You lazily explain, throwing your hands up in defeat. They must be heterosexual life partners if your deduction isn't true.

>Twilight leaves you to eating the two improvised mare parts. Not the best doughnuts ever but still decent. Heading to the drinks, you pour yourself a cup of hot coffee. You didn't realise how much you missed the stuff. Having nothing but black tea at Twilight's place was really screwing with your metabolism.
>As you're about to take another sip of the beverage, someone covers your eyes.
>“Guess who Anon?”
>You'd recognise that cheery voice anywhere.
“Fluttershy?” You joke.
>A giggle erupts behind you, “Silly, it's me!”
>The hooves come away and Pinkie Pie darts in front of you. How she wasn't getting cramp in her face after smiling for so long is something you need to investigate.
>The pink pony laughs, “Having fun Anon? Some, a lot, loads?”
>You'd better exaggerate a bit.
“A gargantuan amount.”
>She squeaks gleefully and gives you a hug.
>“You know what we should have tomorrow?”
“Surprise me.”
>“A party!”
“Another one?”
>Her head rattles up and down.
>Before you can complain, a loud pounding on the barn door cuts you off. Everyone goes silent.
“Who's that?”
>“I don't know, I didn't invite anyone else.”
>Pinkie trots over to the door. The moment she pulls it ajar, a gust of wind pushes it back, causing the pink p0ny to tumble over.
>There's a collective inhale of breath as a familiar figure marches inside, causing all the p0nies to bow down.
>“Art we to shake our flanks and stamp our hooves until the sunrise or not?” Luna announces.
>Well, this is unexpected.

>P0nies speedily get out of Luna's way as she trots over to you. She gives you a quick embrace and smiles gracefully.
>“Anon, how art thou? It has been too long.”
“I'm... fine, thanks. What are you doing here?”
>“Celestia gave me your letter. When thou mentioned there was to be a celebration in your name this night, I thought it prudent to make an appearance.”
>In other words, she invited herself over.
>Might as well make her welcome.
“The more p0nies, the better. Right guys?”
>The other equines still haven't recovered from their bow yet.
“Guys!” You clap to get their attention, “The more, the merrier, right?”
>They get back up on all fours and nervously cheer.
“Where's your enthusiasm?”
>They roar louder, though you can tell they're forcing it. What's their problem? She's not burning the barn down or flashing at the stallions, what's the deal? Is it to do with whatever she did in the past?
>Whatever, you're not going to let them spoil the entire evening.
“Come on Princess, you'll probably want something to eat.”
>You escort her to the buffet table.
>“My goodness! What a selection!” She says, her eyes going wide.
“Take your pick, Luna.”
>The alicorn immediately tucks into a bowl of salad. Simultaneously, she piles on slices of cake, some biscuits and a muffin onto a plate using her magic.
“Hungry huh?”
>She smiles and nods, cheeks puffed out and a drop of salad dressing rolling down her face.
>If she was human, you might have found that endearing, attractive even.

>Finally, a chance to see what food is on offer. Happily, you discover something that hasn't got sugar in or on it: a vegetable pizza hidden behind several large pitchers of fruit juice. Despite the lack of meat, you take a slice and eat it. Surprisingly good.
>As you dip the crust into a pot of garlic and herb sauce, you feel a tug on your trouser leg. You look down and see a pink leg disappear under the table cloth.
>Crouching down, you lift up the fabric and without warning, you're dragged underneath.
>“Anon, what are you doing?!” Your kidnapper whispers.
>As your eyes adjust, you see Pinkie glaring at you.
“Being friendly. Seriously, why is everyone freaked out about the Princess being here?”
>“Because...” She drags your head closer so your ear is to her mouth, “She goes crazy at the littlest thing!”
“She goes crazy? I'm going crazy! What's she done to-?”
>“Anon? Where did thou go?”
You raise a finger at Pinkie, “We'll finish this talk later, I don't want you or the others causing trouble for her. Got it?”
>She nods and with that, you crawl out from under the table.
>“Anon? What were thou doing beneath the table?”
“Ah, I dropped... a grape. Yeah, didn't want it going to waste.”
>You need to learn how to lie better.
>“Thou clearly has little fear of germs.” She chuckles, “I wish to dance, would thou care to join me?”
>Assertive, isn't she.
“Sure, why not?”
>Every p0ny has scampered to the sides of the barn, leaving the centre free.
>Time to show them your moves.

>You wind the phonograph up and get it playing the record already on the turntable. A flurry of notes blast from the loudspeaker and you rejoin the alicorn, who's already bouncing on the spot.
>“Oh, I absolutely love this song!” The Princess announces.
>Unfortunately, you can't say the same. Even you best Shephard Shuffle can't jive up with the rhythm of the tune. None of the other p0nies join in either, their unwarranted fear of Luna keeping them from warming up to her.
>Speaking of dancing, you don't know what it is Luna is doing. Probably it's because she's got four legs but if that's what dancing is here in Equestria, it's the most hilarious thing you've seen in years. You're doing your utmost not to laugh, Luna taking your scrounged up face as a sign of enjoyment.
>You let the track finish before taking matters into your hands. Taking out your phone, which you still had with you without any good reason, you turn it on.
>36% battery life remaining. Might as well use it all up to do something useful.
>You navigate around the menus and boot up the music player. Now, what track to choose? No, no, no, no, no...
>Wait.
>This will do just fine.
>Turning the volume up to maximum, you apply a five second delay to the track and stuff the phone into the loudspeaker of the phonograph. You hope it should act to amplify the sound.
>“Anon? What art thou doing?”
>You hold up a finger to your lips as you rejoin her.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=c7ML9rP2QaA
>Time to kick it.

>Nine minutes later and you're exhausted. You haven't danced like that in ages. The sweat is pouring off you, causing your t-shirt to cling to your skin.
>Luna too is looking a little worn out. Some of the feathers on her wings are out of place and her mane is slightly less... ethereal than earlier. You guess that being an all-powerful being didn't exclude her from getting tired like the other p0nies.
>P0nies that didn't bother to join in, you'll add.
>“Oh my, is that what all human music is like?” She says between breaths.
“Did you like it?”
>“If I say yes, will you play some more?”
“So that's a yes then?”
>She grins at you. Yeah, she wants more.
>You still want to get the others to dance with the two of you. Being alone with the Princess just felt really awkward, especially with all of them watching from the sidelines.
>It's a good job you've got the perfect song to guilt trip them all.
>You head over to the phonograph, remove the phone, select the necessary tune and put the phone back.
“This track isn't as heavy as the last one but I still like it, especially for the lyrics.”
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y414Q7vVgYU
>You get your Jensen Jig going and slyly clear your throat.
>As clearly as you can, you begin singing.
“We can dance if we want to.”
“We can leave your friends behind.”
“'Cause your friends don't dance and if they don't dance...”
“Well, they're no friends of mine!”
>Your sing along seems to have struck a chord with the crowd, Pinkie especially.

>By the time the song finishes, a few p0nies have bravely decided to dance with you and Luna. You spot some of those that didn't glancing sheepishly at each other.
>It's working.
>Back to the phone, you select the next track to play, as well as setting it continuously play random songs. There's nothing overtly obscene in your playlist so there's no worry that you'll have explain to the p0nies what getting high means.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=p7mfEeQaAM0
>That'll do.
>As you begin swaying from side to side in time with the tempo, Rainbow Dash, who had been perched like a crow on one of the rafters overhead ever since Luna arrived, jumps down and follows your lead. Like penguins waiting for the first to jump into the freezing water, more p0nies join in. Soon more than half of the invitees are pounding to the beat.
>All according to plan.
>As you dance, you spy Vulcan cavorting closer and closer towards you. Not on your watch. Getting a bit more energetic, you hustle away from the voracious p0ny.
>Once the track finishes, nearly everyone is cheering loudly. It's great that they're finally having a good time.
>All except one p0ny.
>Facing a corner of the barn is Pinkie Pie. Her mane and tail is no longer bouncy and full of life, instead lying flat. Maybe it's the lighting in here but she looks almost... greyer than usual.
www.youtube.com/watch?v=ocM4ieK9pW8
>As the next song plays, you walk over to Pinkie and hear soft sobs coming from her.

“Pinkie?”
>She sniffs and looks over her shoulder at you. There are tears streaming down her face and her eyes are bloodshot.
>“What do you want?” She spits, her voice like acid.
“Hey, take it easy. What's the matter, why are you crying?”
>“Why? WHY? You know why!”
>Oh God, you've never been good with moody women. You've never been good with women, period.
>Hey dude, just want to say I won't hold it against you if you screw this up somehow. I don't get how they work either.
Thanks brain.
>You squat down next to the p0ny and try to put your arm around her but she pulls away. She isn't making it easy for you, is she?
“Look Pinkie, I can't make things right if I don't know what's wrong. Come on, clue me in.”
>She huffs, “I don't see why I should, it's not like you want me around.”
“That's crazy! Where'd you get an idea like that?”
>“If your friends don't dance, then they aren't your friends? Well sorry if I don't feel like dancing!”
>Your scheme to make everyone comfortable with Luna's presence seems to have backfired somewhat. How are you going to fix this?
“Pinkie, come on...”
>Before you can finish, she gets up and leaves you. You think about following her but decide against it. Her chagrin is beginning to infect you and the last thing you want is you exploding and ruining the party. You weave your way through the shifting crowd and make an exit.
>Oh right, your bag and axe. They're still where you left them. No way were you going to dance with them on.

>Sitting on an overturned bucket, you stare up at the stars. The rustling of a bush from the opposite side of the courtyard grabs your attention, as a fox jumps out and runs for cover in the orchard. You hope the Apple family has ways to stop predators from getting at their chickens.
>“Anonymous?”
>You look to see who's calling for you. It's Luna.
“Over here.”
>She trots over and sits down next to you.
>“What are you doing out here by yourself?”
>Luna talking normally is a welcome change, her saying 'thou' and 'art' every other word was putting a stress on your mind to decipher what she was saying. Was it only a put on she used in public? You don't recall her speaking in that Medieval fashion so much when you first met her.
“Trying to keep a level head.” You sigh.
>“What about?”
“Pinkie. She's got it into her head that I don't want to be friends with her.”
>The alicorn gasps, “That's not true, is it?”
“Of course not. You think I'd be that obnoxious to hurt someone's feeling like that?”
>Do you want me to read the list dude?
Shut up brain.
>You rub the back of your neck.
“Nope, better to keep my distance for a while. No use in getting her riled up.”
>“I can go and talk with her, if you wish.”
“Are you sure? I couldn't even get her to look at me for a minute.”
>“Letting feelings like those fester for too long isn't healthy. It can be... distressing for everyp0ny when they boil over.”
>Another reference to that incident? No time better than now.
“Luna, what-?”

>A loud boom from inside the barn cuts you off. There are frightened shrieks and a few p0nies come stampeding outside, shaking and quivering.
>“What on Equestria is going on?” Luna says, surprised.
>The sound of heavy bass and resonating wubs reaches your ears.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_Waqn0jBG58
>That's no orc horn.
>Jumping up from the bucket, you run inside to find all of the p0nies cowering. Some of them are desperately trying to block their ears but their hooves aren't exactly designed for the task.
>Luna joins you but she too is finding the music unbearable.
>“What is that unholy commotion?” She shouts over the noise.
“What?” You yell back.
>“I said, what is-?”
>As quickly as it started, the music ends abruptly. You look over to the gramophone where Spike, in his desperation, has pushed it over, shattering it and causing the phone to fall out.
>All the p0nies that hadn't run away get up slowly, still agitated by the dramatic change in music.
>Twilight looks like she's been spun around in a centrifuge for too long. Rarity is grinding her teeth so hard, she could break titanium between her jaws. Rainbow Dash has been badly disorientated by the noise, affecting her ability to fly. She flies into Applejack, who had propped herself up against a wall to deal with a sudden loss of coordination. The worst affected is poor Fluttershy, hyperventilating and petrified. Pinkie Pie is nowhere to be seen, though you can guess she's similarly unhinged.

“Hey! What happened?”
>Twilight shakily comes over to you.
>“A-anon... what did you...”
>Before she can finish, her cheeks puff up and she moans. No great mystery what she's trying to hold in. As she runs off to deal with the food she's eaten wanting to make a speedy exit, Spike brings your phone to you. He's having trouble walking straight.
>“Anon, what was that? It felt like someone was hammering nails into my head!”
>You take the phone and switch it off. 17% battery life left.
“Music.”
>“That was music?” Spike said in disbelief, “It sounded... dirty, evil!”
“I know, it's supposed to.”
>“Why?”
>“Humans listen to that sort of music?” Luna interjects.
“Not all of them, proper dubstep is very niche. The stuff most people listen to is garbage compared to this.”
>Your brief dissection of the genre doesn't go anywhere. Spike grabs his head and groans, possibly the first sign of a killer migraine. Luna, meanwhile, is attending to some of the other guests.
>Looks like the party is over.
>You find Twilight with her head stuck down a barrel, retching.
“How are you doing?”
>A loud burp is your answer. Doing as you've done in the past, you hold her mane up so she doesn't puke over her hair. As she empties her stomach, Rainbow Dash wobbles towards you.
>“Hey Anon, how come-” She falls over and gets back up, “How come you're fine?”
>A better line of questioning would be how your music did this to the p0nies. You've read about brown noise before but this is a whole new level.

“I just am Rainbow.” You reply, “It's all of you I'm worried about.”
>After helping the Mayor uncross her eyes, Luna trots over to you.
>“Anonymous, we need to talk.”
>That's a tone you don't want to argue with.
“What about?”
>“I think it would be best if you gave me your device. I know you had no intention of injuring anyp0ny tonight but to leave this weapon in the open is too much of a risk for those that reside in Equestria.”
>She wants your phone. Shit.
“Weapon? It's just music.”
>“Nonetheless, had I been exposed to it for longer, I feel that I too would have succumbed to its effects. Celestia and I have enemies that would give a lot to possess such an advantage. As a Princess, it is my duty and responsibility to care for the citizens of the land. Now please, give it to me. I don't want to have to take it from you by force.”
>If by force, she means magic, then yeah, you'd be no match for her. You'd be no match for a retarded unicorn that needed help sitting down. Physically, you're no match either.
“Luna, come on, don't do this.”
>“Please Anonymous. I would prefer it if you did not make this more difficult than it already is.”
>Reluctantly, you place your phone on her upturned hoof, which she then lodges in her wing.
“Look after it.”
>“Trust me, I will.”
>Well this sucks. Even though it's useless here, it's still your phone.
>All of a sudden, the barn door swings open. Standing there are two p0nies, an elderly mare and a muscular stallion.
>Come on, what now?

>“What's all the ruckus goin' on down here?” The old p0ny says with a familiar accent. Is this a relative of Applejack?
>“I was tryin' ter sleep.” The red stallion chimes in with a similar inflection, his eyes half shut, “Then the whole room starts shaking and I get thrown outta bed! Anyp0ny care ta explain?”
>The bright green spinster ambles over to the buffet table, closely examining the remaining food.
>“Applejack! Where are yer? Ya grandma wants ta know where all the apples are!”
>Your assumption was correct. The orange pony, having regained her balance, trots over to her elder. She gives you a look, suggesting that you should take your time with this lady.
>“They all got eaten ages ago Granny, Anon's mighty big and he's got an appetite ta match.” Applejack answers.
>“What kinda name is Anon? Is that some of ya girls' modern slang?”
>“No Granny Smith.” She sighs, “He's standing right here.”
>Applejack turns the mare to face you. She squints at you.
>“Ya know my eyes ain't what they used ta be, young'n. I really need ta get those glasses.”
“Why don't you come closer?” You suggest.
>“Oh, ya young whippersnap.” She grumbles, “Didn't anyp0ny teach yer ter respect ya seniors? And what're yer doin' on ya back legs? By Celestia, if I were twenty years younger...”
>You crouch down and come up to her face so she can see you more clearly.
“That better?”
>The mare's lower jaw begins shaking and the colour drains from her face.
>“DREAM STEALER! IT'S THE DREAM STEALER!”

>The mare's sudden screaming makes you flinch and fall over backwards. Mrs. Smith, on the other hand, has galloped away from you, jumped over the buffet table and flipped it over, creating a makeshift barricade.
>“GET IT AWAY FROM ME!”
>Applejack, concerned at her relative's abrupt change in disposition, goes to her.
>“Granny Smith, what's gotten into ya?”
>“IT'S THE DREAM STEALER!” She yells, “WHAT IN TARNATION IS IT DOIN' ON THE FARM?”
>“Dream Stealer? Ya mean that old fairy story?”
>“How many times do I have ta tell yer, IT AIN'T NO STORY! NOW CHASE IT OFF!”
>A barrage of uneaten confections are thrown in your direction. Due to her poor eyesight, the closest any of them get is your feet when a cream bun strikes your boot.
“What's your problem, you old bat!” You shout, wiping the mess off, “I'm not some Bogeyman, stop throwing stuff at me!”
>“Hey, don't talk ta Granny Smith like that!” The red stallion barks at you, “Granny, calm down! Applejack told me 'bout this Anon fella, he's harmless!”
>“I don't care if it can tap dance an' turn pies into glass, GET IT OUTTA 'ERE!”
>The stallion marches over to you, “I reckon it's best if ya leave, friend.”
“You don't have to tell me twice. Where's my backpack and axe?”
>“Here they are Anon.” Luna says, levitating your goods from where you left them.
>You take the items from her.
>“Wait for me.” She whispers.
>You sit on the upturned bucket from before until the alicorn joins you.
>“Can I walk you home?”
“If you want.”

>Eventually, you find yourself back at the treehouse. It'd be an understatement to say your exhausted.
“I guess this is where we split.”
>“I suppose so. Before I do, there is another matter that needs to be taken care of.”
“What's that?”
>Her horn flares and you feel yourself being lifted off the ground.
“Luna? What are you doing?”
>“Quiet, I do not wish to wake the neighbours.”
>Dear Lord, is this actually happening? Are you about to be raped by royalty? You'd better go limp.
>Wait, false alarm. You're not going to lose your chance of becoming a wizard. Instead, your arms are forced upwards, allowing the rucksack to be removed from you. Gently placing you back on the ground, she turns her attention back to the bag, unzips it and removes Celestia's crown.
>“As I surmised. Did you really think you could steal this and not expect to be discovered with it?”
>A very good question. You were going to return it but had no clue as to how.
“How did you know?”
>“Your body language gave it away.” She explains, “I have never seen an individual so worried about their belongings around acquaintances. You had to have been hiding something very important to warrant such caution.”
“But you didn't know what exactly, right?”
>“I had an inkling. I could smell cranberries coming from your bag. Only my sister uses shampoo scented with that fruit. Of course it was only a coincidence, but had her crown not gone missing, I would have never made the connection. Elementary, my dear Anon.”

>She fancies herself an equine Sherlock Holmes? Now that you've been discovered, you've got to find a way to lessen the inevitable chastisement.
“Luna, I can explain.”
>“No need.” She sighs, “No-one is powerless against my Sister's charms. It only makes sense that you would want a memento of her.”
>You weren't expecting that. That matter-of-fact attitude of hers is a bit depressing.
“Luna, believe me. I've got no intention of wooing Celestia, the all-powerful authority isn't really my type.”
>PENIS KNOWS YOU'RE LYING. PENIS KNOWS ABOUT YOUR FEMDOM COLLECTION AND YOUR FANTASY ABOUT YOUR ENGLISH TEACHER AT SECONDARY SCHOOL.
Shut up.
>“So you take me for a foal? Am I really not worth an ounce of verisimilitude?”
“Brain, what's verisi... versim... that word she said?
>Best guess dude? Something to do with being honest.
Got it.
“It's the truth, I swear, take it or leave it.”
>The alicorn seems somewhat relieved at your affirmation, fake or not.
>“Well, at least no harm came of it. I will turn a blind eye just this once and tell Celestia I found it elsewhere in the castle.”
“Thanks. I was afraid I was going to be thrown into jail if the guards found me with it.”
>“That could be arranged if you wish.”
>That smirk she gives you turns your blood to ice.
>PENIS KNOWS YOU WANT TO BE PUNISHED, ADMIT IT!
Shut up!

>“It was merely a jest Anon.” She chuckles, “I would still like to know how you came into possession of her crown. It is hardly an easy item to acquire.”
>You laugh nervously.
“Okay, long story short: I bet Rainbow Dash she couldn't get form P0nyville to Canterlot in less than a minute. The crown was the proof she needed to show that she made the trip.”
>“That is all?”
>You nod.
>“And she did so?”
“I wouldn't have it otherwise. Hey, don't get her involved in this, it was my stupid idea.”
>“Do not worry.”
“Thanks, I'm already in her bad books.”
>You pause for a minute, building up the courage to pop the question that's been in the back of your mind since you first met her.
“Can I ask you something personal?”
>“Why the p0nies are apprehensive of my presence?” She says, foreseeing this moment.
“Yeah.”
>The sound of hoofsteps approaching interrupts your conversation. You look down the road and see Twilight, with a tired Spike riding on her back.
>“Maybe another time Anon.”
>Bugger.
>As the Princess unfurls her wings, a question you want an answer to pops up.
“Hey Luna, before you go, do you have any idea what that Dream Stealer thing that old mare was rambling about is?”
>“None at all.” She replies, “I could do some research at the Repository of Knowledge, if you wish.”
“You will? Thanks.”
>“You are more than welcome. Until we meet again Anon.”
>With a beat of her wings, she flies off into the night.
“You too, Princess.” You whisper.

>“What a night, eh Anon?” Twilight says, trying to be upbeat.
“Yeah. Could have ended better though. Who would have guessed dubstep would incapacitate the lot of you? I hate to think what gabber at two hundred bpm would have done.”
>“If it's worse than what we just listened to, I can do without it.”
“It is, believe me.” You say, reassuringly, “I keep away from the stuff as much as I can. Did everyone settle down all right?”
>“More or less. Fluttershy wouldn't stop shaking but we calmed her down eventually. Applejack took her home.”
“Right. You didn't happen to see where Pinkie Pie disappeared to?”
>“No. Why?”
“Never mind, it can wait until tomorrow. Right now, that bed is calling for me.”
>“That makes two of us.”
>“Three.” Spike yawns, “My feet are killing me. I haven't danced that much in... ever!”
>As Twilight opens the door, the soft glow of candlelight seeps out of the crack.
“Er... Did you light a stick before we left?”
>“No? Oh wait, don't panic. It's only Owlowiscious.”
“Owlow-who?”
>Once the door fully opens, you see, to your amazement, a brown owl perched by a desk. It twists its head around to stare at you.
“Anon, meet Owlowiscious. He's my night-time assistant.”
>The owl hoots, as if to say he's pleased to meet your acquaintance.
“Nice to meet you too.”
>“Come on then, let's go to bed.”
> Owlowiscious doesn't take his eyes off you as you close the door and walk upstairs to the bedroom. You've always thought owls were cool but this one is just disturbing.

>After tossing your rucksack into its designated space, you hang your boots outside using the usual method. Even in the dim moonlight, you can see the marks where the blade of your axe has previously sunk into the bark, spoiling the even surface of the tree. You really need to buy that airtight box.
>Spike is already snoring away as you climb into your bed. He really must have been worn out to fall asleep so quickly. Fortunately, it's only a gentle rattle coming out of his mouth as opposed to a piercing rumble.
“Hey Twilight.” You hiss, “Are you still awake?”
>“Barely.” She mumbles, “What is it?”
“Do you know what a Dream Stealer is?”
>“Why do you want to know?”
“I can't stop thinking about Applejack's grandma. She was certain I was that thing she was shouting about.”
>“She's old Anon, give her a break.” Twilight groans, “She was a filly when P0nyville was founded for Celestia's sake.”
“When was that?”
>You hear the unicorn muttering, “About eighty-five years ago, I think.”
>Eighty-five? Even with their slightly shorter years, that would put the elderly mare in the 'shopping-for-a-casket-' age group. For a pre-industrial society, their healthcare must be fantastic.
“Returning to my original question, do you know what a Dream Stealer is?”
>“No clue and even if I did, couldn't it wait until morning?”
>She makes a good point.
“You win. See you tomorrow.”
>“Good night Anon. Sweet dreams.”
“Thanks, you too.”