LaPsbin

Alpha maaaaaarrrrrrrrrr!

May 27th, 2016
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  1. >"--And I SWEAR if he's not complaining he's whining that we don't think he's pretty enough! Why, just the other da--"
  2. >There was a small smile on your face as you listened to your student's venting
  3. >Yes, she may have been a princess now
  4. >Yes, she may have gone above and beyond anything that you had hoped for her, so much so that sometimes it seemed like SHE was the teacher and YOU were the student
  5. >But, even with all of that, she was still your dear old student
  6. >Even now, even after she had grown into her own she was still that little filly that had pounded on your door at three in the morning, terrified as her first heated swept through her like a hurricane
  7. >While not the most awkward talks that you've ever had (you've had QUITE a few in your many years) it had nearly taken the entire night because your explanation had turned into an impromptu lesson
  8. >You STILL don't know where Twilight had gotten that parchment and that quill...
  9. >And the questions!
  10. >By your sun did she have a LOT of those...
  11. >Your smile widened, but you hid it by taking a sip of your tea
  12. >"--I know the girls and I knew what to expect when we let Caramel into our herd for a test run but HOLY HORSE APPLES!"
  13. >With a groan, Twilight let her head slap against your table, nearly knocking over your tea pot in the process
  14. >Oh my goodness her horn was going to leave a scuff...
  15. >You were going to have to get somepony to reapply some wood polish on it tomorrow...
  16. >"I don't know, Princ--"
  17. "Celestia, Twilight. You know that you can just call me Celestia now. Please."
  18. >Though you couldn't see her face, you'd bet your horseshoes that she was making a face
  19. >"...Celestia. I mean the girls and I must have gone through three stallions already and each of them have been a dud!"
  20. >Your frazzled student picked her head up from the table to look at you
  21. >For a moment or two she was looking you in the eyes, but as the seconds ticked by her gaze went upward toward your horn, where your wedding band sat
  22. >Oh hoho
  23.  
  24. >As young as she was your old student was thinking of marriage?
  25. >What a silly little potato...
  26. "Though many would lead to to believe otherwise, Twilight, there are many, MANY fish in the sea."
  27. >You took another sip of your tea, humming happily at the flavor
  28. >Hmmm... Beluga Caviar...
  29. "If you and the girls keep looking I'm sure you'll find the perfect stallion."
  30. >With a mischievous smile, you leaned forward
  31. "In fact, if you truly wish to end it with this Caramel, I'm positive that I could find somepony amongst the--"
  32. SLAM!
  33. >Your door, a two hundred year old antique that had been hoof-carved out of the now VERY rare red mount tree, very nearly slip in half as it slammed against your wall with enough force to knock nearly very mirror and painting that you had on the wall off their hangings
  34. >"SISTER! WE HATH ISSUE WITH THEE!"
  35. >Twilight, with a yelp, bucked behind the table as you managed to catch every single one of the falling paintings/mirrors
  36. >Ihavereflexeslikeaninjafilly.scroll
  37. >With a flick of your horn everything returned to its proper place just as your dear, dear sister comes stomping over toward you
  38. >While you were used to Luna's... grand and EXPLOSIVE entrances it had been a long while since you had seen her this muffed
  39. >Her mane and tail were whipping back and forth, the stars in them BLAZING, her tuft was at a hundred percent fluff and her nose was so scrunched up that in the right light she could have been mistaken for a blue pug
  40. >A GRUMPY blue pug
  41. >You simply smiled back at her, taking another sip of your tea as your sister stopped about a foot from you
  42. >Twilight, with her ears perked up, slowly poking her head up from underneath the table, only to duck back with a yelp as your sister stomped her hoof so hard that the stone floor cracked
  43. >...
  44. >Well then, It looked like SOMEPONY had the case of grumpy gills this afternoon...
  45.  
  46. "And what seems to be the problem, my dear sister?" you asked, only for a piece of paper to be shoved into your face
  47. >"We were looking through the mail this morn when we came upon THIS!" she spat, her eyes burning with fury
  48. >Raising an eyebrow, you calmly took the paper out of your sister's magic and took a look at what was making her so darn ornery
  49. "Hmmmm... What do we have here?"
  50. >It was a... tax form?
  51. >Your eyebrow raised a little more as Luna snorted angrily
  52. "This is my... tax refund?" you said, looking over the piece of paper a little more closely
  53. >...
  54. >Holy horse apples did you not get a doggone thing...
  55. >"Aye, it is," Luna said, snatching the paper out of your magic. "But that is immaterial. THIS though, THIS is our problem."
  56. >Your sister tapped a certain part of your tax form, prompting you to take a closer look
  57. >From what you could tell it appeared to be nothing; all she was pointing at was the section that you wrote down the members of your herd so that the Equestria Tax Registration could group everything accordingly
  58. > It helped a filly save 'dose bits yo
  59. >There was your husband's name written, along with your sister's and your's
  60. >Your sister, seeing your confused expression, became even more livid
  61. >"Tis says that THOU art the alpha mare in the royal herd, SISTER MINE," Luna snapped
  62. >...
  63. >Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhh...
  64. >Your brown furrowed as you brought your tea cup to your lips
  65. "Is that all, sister? I don't see what the pro--"
  66. >"HA!" Luna yelled, slapping your tea cup out of your hooves.
  67. >Thatwasmuhbuckingtea!
  68. >"HA WE SAY!"
  69. >You reeled back slightly as your sister stuck her muzzle into your face
  70. >"For this IS a problem! Thou thinkest that thou art the alpha of the royal herd!"
  71. "Luna, PLEASE, that tea cup was EXPENSIVE," you said, using your magic to pick up the broken pieces. "It was part of a set that they do NOT make any--"
  72.  
  73. >"Do no use thy silver tongue to try to talk thy way out of this, sister!" Luna snapped, puffing her chest out to show off her admittedly impressive tuft
  74. >...
  75. >Was she...
  76. >Did she puff out her chest tuft so they you would be threatened by her?
  77. >Though you love your sister with all of your heart, the lizard part of your brain begins to kick into overdrive
  78. >Your position as alpha was being threatened, you didn't know WHAT had thrown Luna into such a tizzy but it WAS being threatened, and that just wouldn't do
  79. >Standing up, you puffed your chest out
  80. >Though your tuft wasn't as puffed out as Luna's was, you were still a good deal bigger than she was, and proportionally you had much more fur on your chest
  81. >Yeah... look at it
  82. >Iain'teventryin'andmuhtuftisgreater
  83. >FEARTHETUFTZIGGA!
  84. >With a snort, your sister took a hasty step backwards
  85. "Luna, sister, I thought that the moment we began courting Anonymous that we had already settled this silliness," you said, still wanting to talk this out like an adult
  86. >"Nay! Thou had simply assumed that thou were greater than me simply because of thy over-inflated ego!" Luna cried, poking you with a hoof. "Tis poppy cock. POPPY COCK I SAY!"
  87. >...
  88. >You don't see why something like that would bother your sister so much...
  89. >Having the position of alpha really didn't mean that much nowadays...
  90. >It was more of a ceremonial title than anything...
  91. >...
  92. >Did you two never really talk about it?
  93. >Your nose scrunched up in thought as you recalled those many years ago
  94. >Your sister had befriended a being from another dimension
  95. >Though you had been rather wary of him at first he had grown on you
  96. >And then he had grown on both you AND Luna, so much so that a day didn't go by where the three of you didn't spend some time together
  97. >One day, in the privacy of your room, Luna had confessed to having feelings toward this being
  98.  
  99. >After some soul searching, and a sleepless night or two, you had found that you had those feelings as well
  100. >It had taken MONTHS for the two of you to work up the courage but you had asked him out on a date
  101. >He had said yes, and as expected it had gone swimmingly, and the rest was history
  102. >...
  103. >You even remembered the look on Anon's face as both you and Luna had gotten down on your knees and offered him the dong ring that he still wore proudly around his neck
  104. >But no discussion about who was going to be the alpha...
  105. >"We were the one that first began to court our husband, Tia," Luna growled. "Many a night both he and I spent the night gazing up upon mine stars, with him tucked underneath our wing."
  106. "Luna, it's just a piece of pa--"
  107. >"We were also the one that went out and selected the ring--"
  108. "We both went out and got that ring, sister. Now if you would just--"
  109. >This was the moment that Twilight decided to once again poke her head up from the table
  110. >Bad idea filly
  111. >Luna's eyes instantly snapped over toward her
  112. >"Twilight Sparkle! I recall that thou were present during our courtship!"
  113. >Twilight tried to hide under the table once more but Luna simply lifted her bodily into the air with her magic and floated her over to the two of you
  114. >"Tell us, which one of us deserves to be the alpha in our herd. Speak! Before we boop thee to senselessness!"
  115. >Booping?
  116. >Now that's going just a bit too far
  117. "Luna, please, you know that I don't see you as any less than me," you say, taking Twilight into your magic and gently putting her down. "And you know that Anon loves both of us with all of his heart."
  118. >Luna looked at you with a frown but you simply smiled at her
  119. "If I would have known that you felt so strongly about this I would have sat us all down and we could have talked it ou--"
  120.  
  121. >"Thou art a fat-flanked filly with lop-sided teats and if thou weren't our sister and herdmate we would lay our hooves upon thee if we had ever gazed upon thee walking down the street."
  122. "Luna--"
  123. >"We art also a better lover than thee. And our tuft looks bigger and more fuller than thine."
  124. "..."
  125. >"..."
  126. "..."
  127. >"Thou also smell."
  128. >Your eye twitched as Luna poked you in the chest, her eyes narrowed
  129. >By now your lizard brain was telling to you smack a filly
  130. >Smack dat filly HARD
  131. >You were the alpha; you NEEDED to defend your title and position
  132. >There was a reason that you got first dibs on Anon's cock whenever your BIG human decided to give the two of you some sweet, sweet loving
  133. >You were the biggest, you were the strongest, you were the coolest and best and toughest
  134. >And you didn't afraid of anything
  135. >ANYTHING...
  136. >Both you and Luna looked over at Twilight, who gulped
  137. "Twilight," you said as calmly as you could. "Could you please be a dear and go to the kitchen and get some vegetable oil? I don't understand what's gotten into my sister but I believe that a show of force may be in order."
  138. >Both you and Luna gazed into each other's eyes
  139. "And YOU smell, you smelly smelly butt."
  140. >I'mgonnahavetoslapafillykeepmuhpimphoofstrongponyJesus.jpg
  141.  
  142. >Be Anon
  143. >"My lord."
  144. >To be more precise you were Prince Anonymous, Lord of the Keklands, Shitter of Posts, Big Poppa, His Holiness, the First of your Name
  145. >"My lord, PLEASE. Ponies are probably looking for you by now. They're probably looking for ME now."
  146. >You were tired
  147. >VERY tired in fact
  148. >At that moment you were sitting in a room that you had commandeered
  149. >That room which, only a few days before, had been perfectly cleaned was now a mess
  150. >Papers coated the walls and the floors
  151. >Candy wrappers and plastic bottles were scattered throughout the room
  152. >Furniture had been smashed and scattered around the room and there was a mattress on fire near the broken window
  153. >It had been three days since you had last slept and you've barely eaten
  154. >"Lord Anonymous! I know that you're--"
  155. "Shut up, Raven."
  156. >"But--"
  157. "Shush! I'm almost fucking done you pushy little horse!"
  158. >Yawning hugely, you scratched the stubble on your chin as you scanned the papers on the table in front of you
  159. >Though, to the untrained eye, everything there might have looked like chaos, there was a method to your madness
  160. >Formulas led to theories which led to answers which solved problems which created more formulas and....
  161. >Yep, you finally did it!
  162. >Smiling, you quickly placed all of the papers, the hundreds and hundreds of papers, into a series of piles
  163. "Alright, I think I got it."
  164. >It had all started out pretty innocently
  165. >After taking a look at your wife's tax forms you had wanted to see how the Equestrian tax system worked
  166. >You didn't think it was going to be that difficult, all you needed to do was contact the Equestria Tax Registry and ask a few questions
  167. >Was it a little overboard asking them and not just reading a book?
  168. >Maybe
  169. >But you were married to the two toppest ponies of the land, so you figured you could get away with it
  170. >So you had sent the letter
  171.  
  172. >And then you had received a thick document "explaining" the Equestria tax system, it's governing system and even Equestrian economics as a whole
  173. >And by explaining it you meant that it actually did shit all in telling you anything
  174. >It wasn't that you were dumb, you liked to think that you were pretty smart actually, the problem that the taxing system, how the government got its money, even the economics of this little kingdom MADE. NO. GODDAMN. BUTT-FUCKING. SENSE
  175. >THERE WAS ZERO UNEMPLOYMENT BUT THERE WASN'T ANY HYPERINFLATION!
  176. >AND HOW DID A KINGDOM THIS ADVANCED CONTINUE TO USE THE BARTERING SYSTEM?!
  177. >EQUESTRIA HAD COMPANIES FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!
  178. >AND DID YOU KNOW HOW TAXES WERE ISSUED?!
  179. >YOU WEREN'T PUT IN A BRACKET DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH YOU EARNED THAT YEAR!
  180. >THEY DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A BULLSHIT MEDIEVAL SYSTEM THAT SCREWED THE LOWER CLASSES OVER!
  181. >IT JUST SEEMED THAT YOU COULD PAY WHAT YOU FUCKED WANTED WHENEVER YOU FUCKING WANTED!
  182. >AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN WANT TO GET INTO HOW THE GOVERNMENT FINANCED ITSELF!
  183. >IT WAS SO BULLSHIT THAT YOU BEAT YOUR HEAD AGAINST THIS TABLE WHEN YOU FUCKING READ IT!
  184. >IT WAS BULLSHIT!
  185. >IT WAS THE BIGGEST BULLSHIT!
  186. >IT WAS THE BULLSHIT TO END ALL OF THE BULLSHIT!
  187. >WHAT THE FUCK WAS THIS? GREECE?!
  188. >Everything was nonsense, everything was done in a seemingly nonsensical way
  189. >Which was bad when your wive's were the rulers of a nation run like this
  190. >You might not have been a genius, but you had taken some economics classes on high school, and you had some common sense, so, rolling your sleeves up, you had decided to do something about... THIS
  191. >And, though it was the roughest of rough drafts, you think you had something to both reform the tax system AND the government itself
  192. >All you needed to do was show this to one of your wives and the rest would be history
  193. >Equestria would probably see an economic boom, you'd probably get a statue and a blowjob, and you'd be able to pat yourself on the back for a job well done
  194. >Probably
  195.  
  196. >You weren't an economists by any means
  197. >But still...
  198. >Good feels mang
  199. >You grunted as you stood up, nearly every bone in your body popping
  200. >You turned around to see Celestia's personal assistant, Raven, a mare who you may or may not have kidnapped so she could help you with all of this bullshit
  201. >Just like you Raven looked frazzled and exhausted
  202. >Her coat was mattered and dirty, her red-rimmed glasses were crooked and her mane was a mess
  203. >Aw...
  204. >Little pone needs some sleep
  205. >You yawned hugely, stepping away from the table and making your way toward the little assistant
  206. >Scratch that, BOTH of you needed some shuteye
  207. >Maybe more than some
  208. >Raven's horn glowed as you made your way toward her
  209. >A coffee mug filled with water appeared in your hand
  210. "Thank you, Raven," you said, nudging her
  211. >Raven sighed
  212. >"So are you finally finished with this nonsense, my lord?" she asked, irritated
  213. "When I get into the history books I'll make sure there's a footnote with your name on it," you promised, patting her on the head
  214. >Raven snorted again, following you to the door
  215. >"I still don't understand why you though this was so important..."
  216. >And that is why you're not going to have a statue erected in your honor, little horse
  217. >Heh, erect...
  218. >...
  219. >Holy fuck are you tired...
  220. >You opened the door and stepped through it, leaving Raven to bring up the rear
  221. >You could hear the littlest assistant locking the door with her magic
  222. >Which was good since you didn't want any of the little maids going in there and ruining all of your hard, hard, HARD work
  223. >...Fucking maids...
  224. >They were almost as bad as the bird horses...
  225. "Alright, I want you to get some rest, Raven," you said, taking a sip of your water as the two of you turned the corner. "We'll sleep for a couple of hours and then we'll go and get--"
  226. CRASH!
  227. >You don't move as a slab of rock, bigger than you head, whizzes past you, hitting your coffee mug and shattering it into a million pieces and leaving only the handle intact
  228.  
  229. >Raven, with a yelp, dove behind you, covering her head
  230. >...
  231. >You looked down at what was left of your coffee mug, your beyond tired mind trying to piece together what just happened
  232. >You looked back at where the rock had sailed off to, and then you looked down at Raven
  233. "... Are we under attack?" you asked. "Is someone sieging Canterlot? Or is there just some criminal on the loose that likes to throw rock--"
  234. >"YEAH! BUCKING GET HER!"
  235. >"SHOW THAT FILLY WHO'S BOSS!"
  236. >"IT'S THE SUPER POWERS, FILLY! THE SUPER POWERS ARE RUNNIN' WILD!"
  237. >"WHOO! THERE'S NOTHING THAT I LOVE MORE THAN SEEING TWO MARE WRESTLIN'... NO H-HOMO..."
  238. >You blinked, looking down the hall
  239. >About thirty feet away from you were about fifty or sixty ponies all crowded around what looked like a hastily drawn circle
  240. >Noble, maid and guard alike were there, some of them exchanging bits, many screaming and cheering, every single one of them staring at what was going on in that little circle
  241. >"Urgh! Your pony's elbow feels like getting hit with a puff of air, sister!"
  242. >Ooooo yeah! Thy smack talk is as inferior as thy backside, sister! Can you smell what we art brewing?!"
  243. >In the circle were both of your wives
  244. >Celestia was wearing a pair of thick-rimmed sun glasses and a headband that said Sunomania
  245. >Luna was also wearing thick-rimmed, black sun glasses and a headband, but she was also wearing a shirt that had the sleeves ripped off it of along with a fake beard
  246. >Both of them were circling each other, their chests puffed out and their wings flared
  247. >All around them, not just in the circle but the walls and even the ceiling had had chunks ripped out of them
  248. >"You better watch, little sister, 'fore Sunomania runs wild on you!" Celestia snarled, lunging forward so fast that she was a blur
  249. >The ground underneath Luna's hooves cracked as she met her big sister's charge, grappling with her
  250. >"Thou cannot best us, sister! We art a super power! Ohhhhh yeah! Prithee feast upon a hunk of processed meat!"
  251.  
  252. >Your eye twitched as the sister's battered each other with their wings, using the kind of force that would kill a normal pony, both of them neighing and whinnying
  253. >"WE SHALL BE THE ALPHA, SISTER!"
  254. >"THE ONLY THING YOU'RE GOING TO BE IS A BUTT, SISTER! WHICH YOU ALREADY AR--"
  255. >You loudly cleared your throat
  256. >Since, over the years that you have been living at the castle, you had mastered the art of throat-clearing the noise carried over the screaming crowd to the ears of every single little horse in attendance to... whatever this was
  257. >In the blink of an eye everything went silent and still
  258. >Celestia and Luna, both still clenching each other, looked up
  259. >The crowd, which had been betting like they had money to burn, slowly turned to stare at your frowning, arm-crossing self
  260. >"...Oh bucking horse apples," a mare muttered
  261. >You ignored that, making your way over toward both of your wives, both of whom stood there frozen like a pair of colorful deer in headlights
  262. >The crowd quickly parted for you, which was good
  263. >They were going to get into trouble, since they had been egging on all of this destruction, but at least they had the common sense not to block your path
  264. >Your wives, now all nervous smiles, quickly untangled themselves from one another and stood side-by-side as you loomed over them
  265. >"B-Beloved, it warms our heart t-to see thee upon--"
  266. "What's going on here?"
  267. >Out of the corner of your eye you saw Twiggles, who was wearing a referee's outfit of all things, trying to disappear into the background
  268. >Naha
  269. >Brushing past your wives, you make your way toward the littlest princess
  270. "Twilight, get your purple butt over here."
  271. >Twilight froze, her eyes darting to and fro
  272. >"O-Oh, hello, Anon," she said, sweating loudly. "H-How's it going?"
  273. >Her eyes drifted past you toward her fellow alicorns
  274. >You tsked
  275. "Hey, hey, hey, don't you look at them," you said, shaking your head as you squatted down.
  276.  
  277. "Those two over there aren't going to do a goddamn thing."
  278. >You placed your hands on Twilight's withers
  279. >Noticing that she was shaking slightly, you gave them a squeeze
  280. >Now's not the time for fear, little horse
  281. >That comes later
  282. >"Now, Twilight, I want you to look me in the eye and tell me wha--"
  283. >"CelestiaandLunawerefighingtoseewhowasgoingtobecomethealphaofyourherd!"
  284. >Every little other little horse in the hallway groaned as you smiled, patting Purple Nurple on the cheek
  285. >"Sister's before mister's, Princess Sparkle. SISTER'S BEFORE MISTER'S!"
  286. >You stood up, brushing yourself off
  287. "I'll make sure to tell Clockwork that the next time that I see him, Swiffer. And I'm sure he'd LOVE to hear that you were here making bets like this."
  288. >The mare in question flinched, a panicked look on her face
  289. >"Oh bucking horse apples," she muttered, doing her best to sink back into the crowd. "Clocky's gonna KILL me..."
  290. >You once again made your way over to your two wonderful, loving wives, both of whom were sweating just as loudly as Twilight had been
  291. "Where the hell did you guys did you even get these clothes?" you asked, tugging at their torn and ruined garments. "And did you guys pour baby oil all over yourselves again?"
  292. >"...We used vegetable oil," Luna muttered, looking down at the ground. "We thought that it would be easier to remove from our coats after I had achieved my hard-earned victory."
  293. >Celestia's eyebrows shot up her face and she opened her mouth, but you silenced that filly with a look, making her look down at the floor just like her lil' sis
  294. >Both of them were dirty, bits of rock and dust covered their bodies
  295. >You could already see bruises starting to form all over there bodies
  296. >To make matters worse Celestia was sporting one hell of a shiner and Luna had some blood coming out of her mouth
  297. >...
  298. >...It was going to take forever to get that oil out of their fucking coats...
  299. >Making a face, you knelt down, tearing off a bit of your shirt
  300.  
  301. "For Christ's sake, stop looking like a pair of kicked puppies. Come over here and let me look at you."
  302. >Your wives did as they were told, allowing you to clean them up as best as you could with the rag in your hands
  303. >"...We can fix all of this up with magic," Celestia muttered
  304. "I don't give a shit about all of this fucking damage," you snapped, whipping the blood from Luna's muzzle. "What I do give a shit about is you two thinking that it fucking matters who's the alpha or not, and I most certainly give a shit about you two kicking the shit out of each other."
  305. >Both of the sisters look thoroughly shamed this point, but you still decided to drive your point home
  306. "You two know that I love you both to bits no matter who's alpha or who's a fucking omega or whatever the shit."
  307. >Still making a face, you pulled them both into a hug
  308. >You could feel your dong ring, which was on a necklace, press against your chest as you did this
  309. "Now... I know that I should say something else, something about this being a life lesson, but I haven't slept in three days and I am VERY tired, so you're gonna have to figure out the rest yourself."
  310. >Giving them both a squeeze, you stood back up, crossing your arms
  311. >Both Celestia and Luna squirmed under your gaze, looking at each other
  312. >"...We apologize, sister. We do not know what we were thinking challenging thee in such a manner."
  313. >"No, no, you had every right to be angry at me, Luna. I should have recognized that something like this would mean a lot to you and should have taken the appropriate steps."
  314. >"Nay, tis our fault. Court had been most trying lately and when we saw that document we unjustly lost our temper with thee."
  315. >Both of the sister's looked at each other, quickly hugging
  316. >"I love you, sis."
  317. >"Thy affections are wholeheartedly shared, Tia."
  318. >The crowd aw's as the two sister's nuzzled each other before breaking their hug, smiles now on their faces
  319. >Even you couldn't help but smile a bit
  320.  
  321. >Shit was cute yo
  322. >"If it really means that much to you, Luna, I'd be more than happy to step down and let you take the mantle of alph--"
  323. >With a smile still on your face, you place your hands on their silly heads, just above their horns
  324. "Oh, I wouldn't worry about that whole alpha thing, my dears. Raven? Could you come over here for a second?"
  325. >The crowd of ponies once again parts as Raven, who looked like she didn't want to be there even a little bit, quickly made her way toward you
  326. >The mare's horn glowed, and with a pop a notepad and a quill appeared by her side
  327. "Could you write it down that from now on the alpha to the Royal Herd of Canterlot is Anon. E. Mous please?"
  328. >Both Celestia and Luna's eyes widened
  329. >"Anon, sweetheart, you can't-eep!"
  330. >Both of the sister's sucked in a mouthful of air as your hands found their way toward their ears and gave them a firm tug
  331. >"As you will my lord," Raven said, scribbling down your words. "But I have a feeling that the House of Lady's might have issue with that."
  332. "I play putt-putt golf with every one of those mares stallions on Tuesdays," you said, giving her a look. "Trust me, no one's gonna say a damn thing."
  333. >In fact, you had a feeling that the fellas were going to get a kick out of this when you told them, especially Fancy
  334. >The stallion had one hell of a sense of humor, though he was pretty shit a golf
  335. >Tapping her quill against her notepad, Raven closed it and stuffed it into her invisible horse pockets
  336. >"I'll make sure that the House of Lady's sees this by the end of the day, my lord."
  337. >Giving your mares ears another firm tug, making them yelp again, you smiled
  338. >"Fantastic!"
  339. >Letting go of Celestia and Luna's ears, you walked over to one of the little guards and plucked the helmet off of their heads
  340.  
  341. "Now to deal with all of you!" you chirped, looking out at the crowd
  342. >As one, the crowd took a few steps back, but not a single one of them ran
  343. >Which was good
  344. >For them
  345. "Now I saw you all making bets while my wives beat the hell out of each other," you say, your tone gaining a bit of an edge to it. "Since you ALL have so much money to just toss around how about you all get in line and donate all of the proceeds go to an Anonymous charity?"
  346. >A frown comes to your face when not a single little pone stepped forward
  347. >...
  348. >Alrighty then...
  349. >It looks like you have to be a little more BLUNT
  350. "Get your furry asses over here and put all of your bits into the helmet or I'm gonna eat the lot of you."
  351. >THAT lit a fire under the little horses asses, all of them hurrying to get into line to dump their bits into the helmet that you stole
  352. >You turned back toward your wives, both of which looked a hell of a lot more nervous than they had a second ago as the rubbed their ears
  353. "After I get all of these bits I'm going to go to sleep until about eight or nine tonight. After that I'm going to get up, take a bath and get something to eat," you told them
  354. >You once again turned back toward Raven
  355. "Raven, what time is it now?"
  356. >Raven looked out of one of the broken windows toward the sun
  357. "... About twelve o'clock, my lord" she guessed
  358. >You nodded
  359. "Fantastic. Now, BOTH of you have eight hours to clean ALL of this up. After THAT both of you are going to go down to go down to Donato's--you're not going to send someone else down you're going to do down YOURSELVES-- and you're going to get a couple pies and a dozen bottles of pop. Do you understand?"
  360. >Your wives flinched at the sharpness of your tone, quickly and frantically nodding
  361. >"Y-Yes dear."
  362. >"Of course, b-beloved. Please twist o-our teats no longer. W-We beg thee."
  363. >You smile once more,tossing the now bit-filled helmet at Twilight, who, with a yelp managed to catch it
  364.  
  365. "Great! We'll make a date of it! Twilight, you can come too if you want!"
  366. >Walking over, you kissed both of your mares on their cheeks before walking past them
  367. >Rolling her eyes, Raven followed you
  368. "I'll see you ladies later tonight!"
  369.  
  370. >Be Twilight
  371. >A pin drop could have been heard as everypony watched prince Anonymous turn the corner with what you assumed was his assistant now
  372. >As far as you could tell nopony was even BREATHING
  373. "...Princess?" you whispered, leaning toward your old teacher
  374. >Celestia, looking as nervous as you've ever seen her, leaned toward you
  375. >"Yes my student?"
  376. >You looked down at the helmet of bits in your hooves, then up at where the prince just was
  377. >"My teats hurt," you told her
  378. >Both of the Celestia sisters nodded slowly, along with everypony in earshot
  379. >"Don't worry, my dear student," your old teacher said. "My teats hurt too.
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