Anti-Jokes

Why was six afraid of seven?

It wasn't. Numbers are not sentient and thus incapable of feeling fear.
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Knock, Knock.

Who's there?

Dave.

Dave who?

Dave proceeds to break into tears as his grandmother's Alzheimers has progressed to the point where she can no longer remember him.
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What's sad about 4 black people in a Cadillac going over a cliff?

They were my friends.
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A horse walked into a bar. Several people got up and left as they spotted the potential danger in the situation.
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A visibly exhausted and distressed man walks into a bar and orders a strong drink.

"Long day?" the bartender asks.

"No, all days are 24 hours long" the man replies, amazed at how uneducated the bartender is.
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Your friend is so gay, he has consensual sex with other men. and enjoys it.
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There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.
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Why did the black man buy 3 boxes of condoms?

Because he practices safe sex and they were on sale.
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What does an Eagle and a Mole have in common?

They both live underground. Apart from the Eagle.
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A man walks into a bar, he is an alcoholic and is ruining his family.
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How do you wake up Lady Gaga?

You set an alarm for a reasonable hour.
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So this guy walks into the doctor's and says "Doctor, it hurts when I poke my leg like this." The doctor says "Yes, you've shattered both your kneecaps. You'll never walk again."
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Why is six afraid of seven?

Six hasn't been the same since he left Vietnam. Every time he closes his eyes, he's sees Charlie hiding in the darkness of the forest. Not that you could ever see those bastards, mind you. They were fast and they knew their way around the jungle. He remembers the looks on the boy's faces when they walked into that village and... oh Jesus. He shouldn't think about that now. Sometimes he still hears Tex's slow southern drawl. He remembers the smell of Brooklyn's cigarettes. He always had a pack of Luckys. But the boys are gone now... he knows that. It's--it's just that he forgets sometimes. And sometimes the way that seven looks at him... it makes him think. Sets him on edge. And he feels like he's back there... In the jungle... In the darkness.

Seven has a hook for a hand as well, which is very scary.
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Knock Knock
Who's there?
The police, your entire family died in a car accident
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What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?

Domestic violence is a crime. She should leave her abusive partner and seek help.
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And the Lord said unto John, "Come forth and receive eternal life." But John came fifth and won a toaster.
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A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks "why the long face?". The horse replies "My wife is dying of terminal cancer."
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Do you know what's the difference between a bicycle and a black man?

A bicycle is an object and a black man is a human being.
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Three blind mice walk into a pub. They are all unaware of their surroundings, so to derive humor from it would be exploitative.
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Ask me if I'm a tree.

Are you a tree?

No.
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Why are black people so good at basketball?

Dedication and hard work
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How do you kill a blonde?

Well there are many ways, but all of which are wrong because murder is illegal.
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What do you call 100 lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?

A horrible boating accident.
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How many Alzheimer's patients does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

To get to the other side!
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Why did grandpa climb the phone pole with bananas in a backpack?

He has a debilitating disease. He is slowly losing touch with reality.
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Four blonds are driving to Disneyworld. They finally get to Florida and they see a sign that says "Disneyworld: left" so they take the left and have a wonderful time at what many people believe to be the most magical place on Earth.
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Today I decided to burn alot of calories. So I found a fat kid and lit him on fire.
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Q. How many dead babies can you fit in a bath tub?

A. 17.
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What do you call a man with no arms or legs on the doorstep?

Whatever his name happens to be.
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What do you call it when Justin Bieber has sex with a woman?

Well it's not going to happen so I don't see the point in giving this a name.
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Your mother is so stupid that she was tested and proved to be mentally retarded.
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A man walks into a bar. Except it was a metal bar, like a pole. So he got hurt.
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What did the black guy, the latino guy, and the asian guy all have in common?

Believe it or not, they all liked cantaloupe.
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a dyslexic man walked into a bar, ordered a beer, and no one was aware of his affliction
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What do you call a black guy driving a plane?
A pilot.
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What is a vampire's favourite dessert?

Vampires aren't real.
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Yo mama's so old, she might die soon
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Q: How many Jew does it take to change a light bulb?

A: A lightbulb cannot be changed, it either is or isn't. Do you mean replace a burned-out bulb with a new one? With design, logistics, manufacturing, marketing of just that single bulb- there are many people involved. It could be argued that we all play some small part in the process.
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Doctor, Doctor. I feel like a pair of curtains!

That's the least of your problems. You've got AIDS.
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A Christian and an Atheist are in a bar, the christian says "if you don't believe in god you will go to hell." the atheist replies "if there was a benevolent supreme being, logic dictates that there would be proof of his existence other than a 2,000 year old book." they agree to set aside their petty differences and get on with their lives.
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A man walks into a bar and says "I just got back from the battered woman's shelter, and boy are my arms tired" Everyone laughed. The man sat at the end of the bar drinking alone. He was proud of the fine craftsmanship of the shelves he put up in the shelter's pantry, regardless of what others may think.
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A white guy, a black guy, and a chinese man all walk in to a magic shop, at different times in the day to buy different products.
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How did the fat guy survive the air crash?

He didn't, he died like everyone else.
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A bear woke up from his annual hibernation to find that his stomach is growling.
"I sure am hungry." the sleepy bear said.
So he found some berries, but spit them out.
"These berries are far too bitter." the playful bear said.
He then found some honey, however was soon bombarded with a swarm of bees.
"That honey is good, but not that good." the jolly bear said.
He then stumbled upon a cabin.
"I wonder if there is any food in here..." the curteous bear wondered.
The events that followed are now reffered to by the locals as the May 20th Massacre. While no witnesses survived, the police reports depict that the Martinez family, a young family of 7 enjoying their memorial day weekend in their New Hampshire cabin, was brutally slain by a blood-thirsty animal who tracked each of them throughout the house in a period of approximately 45 minutes.
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Two men are sitting in a pub.

One man turns to the other and says: 'Last night I saw lots of strange men coming in and out of your wife's house.' The other man replies:

'Yes, she has become a prostitute to subsidize her drug habit.'
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What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

An ambulance due to the fact that he has a rather serious head wound.
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Your mom is so ugly that she often finds it difficult attracting members of the opposite sex.
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An owl and a squirrel are sitting in a tree, watching a farmer go by. The owl turns to the squirrel and says nothing, because owls can't talk.

The owl then eats the squirrel because it's a bird of prey.
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A black guy, a white guy, and a mexican guy are stranded in the middle of a desert. After many days of not finding food, water, or shelter they contemplate cannibalism to survive, but can't decide who to eat. The mexican dies first for an unrelated reason
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What's the difference between a Porsche and a pile of dead babies?

When I see a Porsche on the street, I think to myself, "that's a nice car," but when I see a pile of dead babies on the street I scream, "OH DEAR GOD WHY?!?! WHY?!?! WHERE IS THE MONSTER THAT KILLED THESE POOR BABIES?!?!" I then quickly alert the authorities of the hideous crime before vomiting profusely and crying until my tear ducts run dry. I sustain irreversible psychological damage and the image of hundreds of cruelly murdered infants prevents me from sleeping at night.
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What do you call someone who kills a black person?

A murderer.
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How many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

one. he was an electrician
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You can pick your nose, and you can pick your friends. But you can't rob a bank. That's a felony.
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There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns hoping at least one of the puns would win but, unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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You ever notice when geese fly in a V there is one line that is always longer than the other?

Do you know why that is?

Because there are more geese in that line.
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What do you get when you cross a Mexican with an octopus? Nothing, two different species cannot propagate and gene splicing isn't advanced enough to separate the specific traits of an organism.
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What's the difference between a truckload of bowling balls and a truckload of dead babies. One is used in the sport of bowling, and the other is just a tragic, very saddening sight to see.
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I was diagnosed with Clinical Depression the other day....

It made me sad.
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Friends are a lot like trees, they fall down when hit multiple times with an axe.
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A priest, a minister, and a rabbi all walk into a bar. Bars serve people of all religions.
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Roses are Red,
Violets are blue,
I'm a Schizophrenic
And so am I
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"Knock Knock"
"Who's there?"
"Boo."
"I don't know anyone by that name. Please go away."
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what did the cab driver say to the black man when he got into his cab?

Where to, sir?
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How do you starve a Mexican?

Deny him access to foodstuffs.
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why did the chicken cross the road?
because chickens are very absent-minded creatures. the chances are the chicken saw some form of bug or other edible life form from across the road and decided to venture over in that direction. if the road was not there, the chicken would most likely have still crossed that same expanse of ground, regardless of potential consequences.
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When SCUBA diving, why is it important to fall backward off the side of the boat?

Because if you fell forward, you would still be in the boat.
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Yo momma so fat she went on the Subway diet and is now exercising regularly to lose weight.
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Why did the catholic priest get sent to jail?

Tax evasion.
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A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots. The bartender says "Rough day, eh?" The man says "Yes, very rough."

He then goes home and hangs himself.
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What do you call a black man on the moon?

An astronaut
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What is black and hangs from trees in my backyard?

Black berries.
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What do you call 10,000 lawyers jumping out of a plane?

A world record sky diving group, and an improbably large aircraft.
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There are two muffins sitting in an oven. One muffin says to the other, "It sure is hot in here". The other muffin says, "Yeah like 350, 375".
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What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Finding a worm in your carmel apple, which costs about 35 cents more on average.
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What do you call a black guy who is selling drugs?

A pharmacist.
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What's big, wet and yellowish-green at midnight?

I don't know.

That's why I'm asking.
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Why do christians believe in God?
Because believing in God is fundemental in their belief system; if they did not believe in God they simply wouldn't be christians. Muslims are in a similar predicament.
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What's worse than a bee sting?
Two bee stings.
What's worse than two bee stings?
The Holocaust.
What's worse than the Holocaust?
Three bee stings.
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What did Grandma give little Ben for Christmas?

Nothing.She died on Thanksgiving day.
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Two fish are in a tank. It is an average sized tank designed to hold aquatic animals.
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A dog walks into a bar and is promptly escorted out as animals are not allowed.
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Why didn't Johnny ride his bike to school today?

He had his legs amputated. He'll never ride his bike again.
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Two muffins are in an oven.

After ten minutes at 375 degrees, they were pulled out, allowed to cool, and eaten.
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What did the catholic priest say at the AA meeting?

Alcohol is ruining my life.
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What do you call a black man on a bike?

A hard-working individual who found a steady job and earned enough money to buy a bicycle of his own which he rides to and from his job because he is healthy, doesn't like to waste money on gas, and doesn't like the pollution automobiles put into the air.
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Haikus are easy,
But sometimes they don't make sense.
Refrigerator.
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A platypus walks into a bar. They are the only mammals with the ability to lay an egg.
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there's a irishman, australian and and englishman man on a plane.
they are going to france
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Why was the black person promptly escorted out of the bar?

He was under 21.
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What do a bucket and a women have in common? Before 1928 neither had the right to vote. The bucket still can't.
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Q: What's the difference between a mountain goat and a pitching wedge?

A: A lot.
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Q. How do you know when you've had too much too drink?

A. Your dead
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Two farmers are standing in a field. One says: "It's a bit cold today, don't you think?" The other doesn't reply, because he is trying to work out how to tell the first farmer that his son has just been killed in a road accident.
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How did the pig solve the Arab-Israeli Conflict?

It didn't. It further exacerbated the problem. The Arab-Israeli Conflict is a multifaceted geopolitical quagmire based on long-simmering religious, ethnic and territorial tensions. A pig is too stupid to understand the root causes of the problem, let alone provide a viable solution. In retrospect, it seems ridiculous to have entrusted a pig with such an important diplomatic mission.
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A man walks into a Library and asks for a book on suicide.

The Librarian says: "Do you have a library card?"

The man says no, and leaves.
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What did Timmy want for Christmas?
Parents.
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what do you call a black man with no arms or legs sitting on a porch?

"sir"

His life is hard enough with out being subject to social rudeness
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Your Mom is so fat...

Her doctor told her that if she didn't start watching her cholesterol she might suffer from heart related illness in the near future.
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What was the pirate's favorite letter?

Many pirates were illiterate and so did not know any letters, much less have a favorite. However, even if this pirate were able to read, it is unlikely that we would be able to find out his favorite letter without asking him, since pirates were primarily in existence two to four centuries ago. In addition, most people don't have a favorite letter, and so a pirate would probably not be an exception.
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If olive oil is made from olives and vegetable oil from vegetables, what is baby oil made of?

Mineral Oil, Aloe Vera Extract, Vitamin E, Acetate, Fragrance.
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On a scale of 1 to Osama Bin Laden, how good is your hiding spot?

Rhetorical question. Osama Bin Laden is dead now.
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A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. Unfortunately, the bar was closed due to the poor economy. Luckily there was an Applebee's across the street and they were able to save money with half-priced appetizers.
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How do you kill a blonde?
Irreversibly damage her vital organs to the point where she loses consciousness and will never wake again.
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Q: What did the mentaly retarded kid get on his IQ test

A: Drool
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Contrary to popular belief when life hands you lemons you cannot make lemonade. Water and sugar are two other essential ingredients.
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What's the difference between a Jew and a pizza?

One is a human being belonging to a particular religious minority and the other is a delicious Italian food favoured by English speaking western cultures.
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What do you call 2 Mexicans playing baseball?
It depends on what the name of each individual is.
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So a cat walks into a bar and orders a bowl of milk. The bartender, realizing that cats cannot talk nor do they posses higher brain functions, realizes he must be dreaming.
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Knock knock
Who's there
The mailman
The mailman who?
You are so dumb.
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What do you get when you throw a hand grenade in a French bathroom?

Imprisonment up to 15 years in an international detainment facility.
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Why did the girl cross the road ? Because i was following her.
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What did one Japanese man say to the other?

I'm not quite sure. I only took one year of Japanese in high school.
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Hey, the eighties called,

they were really excited about inventing a phone that could call the future.
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There was a blonde, brunette and a red head on an island. The blond was on holiday, the brunette lived there and the red head was there on business, it was a very large and industrial island.
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How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?

One, unless she's too short, in which case she may get someone else to do it for her.
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Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry.

She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the
driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds and it better be there!!"

The next morning he got up early and told his wife to come to the driveway.

He quickly pulled out a .44 magnum and murdered her violently.
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A blonde, a brunette and a redhead were going for a walk. They spotted some tracks, and stopped to inspect them.
"Those are train tracks." The blonde noted.
They agreed, looked both ways, then crossed safely over it.
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A man returns from the army and finds his wife in bed with another man.
He kills them both.
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How much cocaine did Charlie Sheen do?

Obviously way more than is considered acceptable or safe, considering his recent public outbursts and problems with addiction.
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What's worse than your dad dying in a car crash?

Your mom being in the same car.
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What's big, grey and can't climb trees?
A carpark.
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what did the woman say when her husband punched her?

nothing. she was physically abused for 35 years before she killed herself
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You're so ugly,

When you look in the mirror it displays your reflection because that is what mirrors do
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roses are red,
violets are blue,
no one cares,
you're adopted.
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How do you get two whales in a car?

You can't. Whales are very large creatures and cannot fit into anything that size.
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My mother always said that jumping in piles of leaves was fun.

That was before she was swallowed whole by a 10 foot scorpion.
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Why did the man stop suddenly in the street?

His unhealthy diet, alcoholism and smoking habit caused him to have a heart attack at the age of 56. He died because of it.
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What did Batman say to Robin before he got into the car?

Robin, get in the car.
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A duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender for grapes. The bartender explains to the duck that he does not sell grapes. Later that day, the bartender recounts the story to a friend; the friend advises the bartender to undergo psychological testing.
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Whats the difference between an American and a Frenchman?

The language they speak.
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How do you know when a Frenchman has been near your house?

You don't, really, unless you were there to see him or if one of your neighbours saw him. I wouldn't worry about it, really.
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Terry is at his job, when he drops his cookie on the floor. His coworker accidentally steps on it as he's about to pick it up. "Sorry" says his coworker. "I guess that's the way the cookie crumbles" said Terry. Turns out Terry is black.
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Why did the Jew pick up the penny lying on the sidewalk?

Because he dropped it.
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A black guy walked into a convenience store.

He then found what he wanted, and paid with his credit card.
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Did you hear about the blonde who jumped out off a bridge?

She was clinically depressed and took her own life because of her terribly low self-esteem.
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Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Most poems rhyme,
But this one doesn't
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How do you fit an elephant inside your car?

Starve it to death then chop it in pieces.
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Whats worse than a truck full of dead babies?

Unloading them with a pitchfork
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what do an elephant and a grape have in common?

One of them is purple.
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What has eyes but can't see?

A blind person
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How many bodies can you stuff into a oven?


Who tries figure that out? I'm calling the cops.
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Q: What's grey and looks good on policemen?

A: A stylish grey hat.
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I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

Unless they were having sex with my corpse.
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An englishman, Irishman and scottishman are standing on the side of a cliff. The Irishman and englishman both jump off the cliff. The scottishman says "oh,shit".
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How did the black man cross the Atlantic?

He did not. He drowned
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A pregnant woman walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender refuses to give the woman alcohol because he acknowledges a health risk for her unborn child.
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Why didn't the Asian student ask for a calculator?

Because he was busy washing the dishes and thought a calculator would be completely inappropriate for the situation at hand.
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What do the Holocaust and baseball have in common ?
They are sports , except the Holocaust .
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Why did the baby stop crying?

Because he stopped breathing.
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Q: What did the little boy with cancer get for Christmas?

A: Nothing, he didn't make it that far
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How many illegal immigrants does it take to change a lightbulb?
Why should his legal status matter at all in this situation?
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What's big and white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.
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Person 1: Did you hear the one about the guy who drank vinegar?
Person 2: No
Person 1: Oh
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What's brown and smells like shit?

Shit.
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How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

It's a trick question: feminists can't change anything.
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An atheist sneezed.
Everyone around him said "god bless you".
He thanked them and continued on with his normal day because it wasn't really that big of a deal to him.
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What did the pirate say when his parrot died?

Nothing. They both died at the same time in a horrible shipwreck. There were no survivors.
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What happens when you breed a Siberian Tiger with a California Condor?

Nothing. The tiger does eat the condor though and you are found out by a neighbor and charged with animal neglect, animal cruelty, and possession of two endangered species. You are fined $100,000 and go to jail for 5 years during which you are sodomized.
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what do you get if you take the head off a duck and a monkey, and swap them over to the other bodies.

2 dead animals and quite alot of mess
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Two muffins are sitting in an oven. One says "It sure is hot in here!" The other one says "We're both going to die in here and nobody will hear us scream."
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Why did the chicken cross the road?

Earlier that morning the farmers daughter had inadvertently left the gate to the yard open as she was preoccupied by her worry over a maths test set for that day. She hadn't studied for the test as she was still deeply distressed over her fathers recent heart attack. This, coupled with the added burden of household chores now delegated to her because her mother was out trying to get the west field prepared for sowing, had made her quite forgetful and distracted of late.
Whilst several chickens escaped, only one strayed so far that it actually encountered the road facing the farm. After crossing the road and gorging itself in a soybean crop, the chicken was struck by a furniture removers van as it attempted to make its way home.
Several hours later the dead chicken was spotted by a Community Mental Health Worker who was doing his bi-weekly rural clinic run. The chicken, being a bantam caught the eye of the Mental Health worker, who was a keen trout fisherman.
"Cool" thought the mental health worker- "those feathers will make for excellent trout flies". He stopped and plucked a handful of the most iridescent blue, green and orange feathers and placed them in an envelope. He rolled himself a cigarette, sat on the trunk of his car and admired the clouds. "God, I love this job", he muttered to no one in particular.
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I walked down a dark alley at night and ran into 2 black men.

They said hello and were on their way
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What do you do when you see your wife outside the kitchen?

Tell her to enjoy the rest of her day, and you look forward to spending time with her when you both get home from your jobs.
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What's black and blue and red all over?

Due to the infinite nature of the universe many items both natural and manufactured could be described in this manner.
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Duck A lays an egg which rolls into Duck B's nest. To whom does the egg technically belong to?
Neither, ducks do not have the legal right of ownership.
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What does a blonde see when she looks into a box of cheerios?

A delicious and hearty breakfast that lowers cholesterol and is good for the heart
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Whats the difference between a brick and a Jew?

One you throw it at the postmans head, the other is just a brick
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A dog walks into a bar and asks for a drink. The bartender goes to get him a drink, but then realizes how ridiculous this is and wakes up from his dream. He rolls over to tell his wife about it, but she ignores him. He begins to cry silently, realizing his marriage is in shambles.
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Knock Knock

Who's there?

I'm from the Department of Child Services, i'm here to take your children.
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A priest, a rabbi, and a baleen whale walk into a bar.

The priest says, "Well I believe Jesus Christ is the only begotten son of God and my lord and savior, so I'll have some communion wine."

The rabbi says, "Well I don't believe the messiah has yet walked the earth, so I'll have Manischewitz wine."

The baleen whale says "EEEEEEOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNHHHHHHHHHH"
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A black man is going to get a vasectomy. He shows up to the doctor's office wearing a suit. The doctor says "Why are you wearing a suit?" The black man says "I just got back from a funeral"
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Three men are in prison and comparing crimes. The first says that he got three years and he never robbed that store. The second says he served six years and he never hit that lady. The third said he got life, and he killed every child in that orphanage.
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Two parrots were sitting on a perch. The older one turned to the younger one and said "do you smell fish?" The younger one paused for a bit, and replied "do you smell fish?"

Their owner had been talking about fish.
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How many dead babies can you fit in my car?
37 1/2
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Knock Knock

Who's There

Alex, Now open the door, please.

Oh Ok.
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A man takes a prostitute to a hotel room, right?

The woman is a federal agent, assigned to investigate high prostitution levels in the area. The man is promptly arrested, and now a large fine and up to 90 days in a correctional facility.
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Q: why do orphans always go hard?

A: because they can never go home.
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Making jokes about 9/11 is just plane wrong.
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How do you make a retard make a sound like a dog?
Douse him in gasoline and light him on fire. WOOF!
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What does a banana and a helicopter have in common?

Neither of them are a police officer.
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How many Jews can you fit in a Volkswagon?
5 comfortably
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I went seal clubbing the other day but as I was the only one with legs, the dancefloor was quite lonely
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What was the pirate movie rated?

PG-13 for violence and brief nudity.
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Your dad is so fat that he is on a diet.
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What's black, white, and hungry?

The population of Zimbabwe.
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What do you call a boy with no arms and no legs?

Names
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Theres 3 guys walking and the see a genie. He says hell grant 3 wishes. The first guy asked for sandals. The genie said"I can do that" and he got sandals. The second guy asked for rock hard abs.The genie said,"sure thing".When he looked down, he saw that he had rock hard abs. The third guy asked for a pair of pants."ok" Said the genie. And then he got a pair of pants.
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Q: What do you call a cow with no legs?

A: Evolutionarily destined to be eaten by a predator such as a wolf or coyote, barring haing a defense mechanism that allows it to fend off such attacks.
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What's the difference between a black man and a pizza?

Literally an endless list of things.
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What do you call a fish with no eyes?

Anything you want, it's only a fish.
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A black guy and a white guy walk into a bar, they were both unemployed and blowing their savings on their alcohol addictions
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A man walked into a store and asked if he could use the restroom. They found this acceptable and let him use it.
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A duck walks into a pharmacy and says to the man behind the counter, "Do you have any ointment? my beak is very chapped" the man replies "we have nothing for ducks here."
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Dear mom,
I'm wearing skinny jeans.
If I can't get them off,
Neither can the rapist.
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Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Some poems rhyme,
But this one doesn't.
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Two black guys and a Latino were walking down the street. One of the black guys says to the Latino, "You have some lint on your suit." The Latino brushes it off and says, "Thank you. I have an important meeting with the board of trustees this afternoon, and it would have been embarrassing if I had lint on my suit."
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(Note: Page 40)