coming-out

For a long time now, probably since the early 90s, i’ve been dealing with something off and on. It’s something that for the longest time I never gave much serious thought to, until fairly recently. I don’t know what changed exactly, but I do feel more clear about what I want to do with this thing i’ve been dealing with. Without going further into the weeds and being vague, i’m just going to come out and say it. I think that I am transgender.

I remember standing in my backyard in Hacienda Heights at night, listening to music on my Walkman (remember cassette tapes?), just sort of thinking out loud, “I wish I could wake up tomorrow as a girl”. I remember thinking back then that it wasn’t in any sort of permanent capacity, just more of a “see what it’s like” sort of thing. For a while that was pretty much it. I don’t know exactly how much longer after that, but I began to try on some of mom’s clothes as she was away at work, especially during the summer. It was simple stuff like a bra, some pantyhose, or one of her swimsuits, nothing too fancy/crazy. That was really about as far as it had gone for a long time.

Another “early” memory I have is of watching the Jerry Springer show. His show was super entertaining to me as a young kid going on into his teenage years. He had a bunch of what would at the time be considered crazy guests. Not quite to the level it got later in the show’s run, mind you. No “I’m 23 years old and in love with a 70 year old midget” type shows at this point. But guests that were still sort of out of the ordinary. One show in particular had what I vaguely remember to be either drag queens or transgender women in general. Whatever it was, it was something I had never seen before. People who were born male, but presented as female. The idea amazed me, to be quite honest. I don’t know what exactly it was that amazed me, but I was intrigued to say the least. I don’t know if I was just jealous, or what...but the idea that that was a thing that could be done just sort of stuck with me. I don’t remember ever thinking I could pull that off, or if it was even something i’d want to, but to be quite honest I may have.

For the longest time I never gave any of this much more thought. I was always intrigued by the idea, but to think that somehow I could be in a similar situation never really crossed my mind, until fairly recently (like in the last two years or so). I don’t exactly know what was the tipping point, but for some reason the idea to start crossdressing once again came back into my life. I started looking at subreddits about transgender people, not about the sexual side of things, but actual serious discussions people would have about their own experiences, or questions they would ask others who had gone through a similar thing in order to help come up with their own ideas of what they were dealing with. Again, I can’t say with much honesty what exactly it was, but something started to click, and make sense. All I knew was that it was something I wanted to explore once again.

So eventually that led to me ordering a few items of female clothing here and there and trying it on, seeing how I felt and all that. I bought a wig, a dress, and some undergarments and put it all together, and something about it felt right. I don’t know exactly what it was, but it was just...something. Something positive. Ever since I started experimenting with it again, i’ve felt more and more like it was a route I wanted to explore. The more I thought about it, the more I began to give serious thought to going further than just dressing up as a woman.

I’ve never been the most masculine guy. I’ve never truly been happy with my physical body. . I’ve never fully hated it, but never really fully loved it either. I absolutely loathe my body hair and would love to get rid of it. I like having my hair longer. Especially lately, i’ve been looking at cute feminine outfits and wanting to wear them. I’d be much happier wearing a cute dress to a formal occasion, instead of a suit and tie. I’d much rather be cute than handsome. These are just a few of the thoughts running through my mind for the past few months. I’m planning on going to see a therapist to help me figure out my thoughts, and try and get a more clear picture of what it is I want. I do know I want to go on hormones, that much is certain.

As you can imagine, coming out with something like this isn’t the easiest of things, especially for me. I’ve never been good at just straight out talking about feelings and such, regardless of who it is. I do know that it is a necessary step, and this way is just much easier for me. I know you’ll have a lot of questions, and I can answer just a few of them right now. I want to start taking hormones to help push the transition along. I unfortunately don’t really know how they’ll affect me mentally, but I will still be the same person I always was. At this point I don’t plan on having any sort of surgery, but I can’t say for sure if that will be the case years from now.  I’ve already thought of a new name, Erika. I’ve always liked my middle name more than my first name, to be honest. I haven’t 100% decided on what to use as a middle name yet, but the name Arabella has sounded pretty good the last few days.

As I mentioned earlier, this is something i’ve been dealing with for a long time, most of my life, and it’s only been a recent revelation that I want to be more than just some guy who crossdresses.