[s4s] has a job for /co/

It was another uneventful weekend for /co/nrad, business had been slower and the cases weren't coming in like they use to. By and large, that should be a good thing, less crime, less work to do, but /co/nrad was starting to feel like he was going soft, which is how he found himself sitting in a car on a hot day just watching the streets for any trouble, any hints of conspiracy, any super villains out causing low level mischief, anything really to keep him from losing his damn mind.

Just as /co/nrad wiped the sweat from his face, he spotted something, a man in an over sized tench coat, or was it two men? Either way, he was closing in on a little girl skipping along the sidewalk coming his way. /co/nrad squints his eyes at this and carefully gets out of his car.

The suspicious man calls out to the girl “Hey there little girl.” She turns to face him, the man is smiling maliciously as he undoes his trench coat, /co/nrad has now broken into a full sprint. The man flings his coat open “WANNA BUY A WATCH?!”

/co/nrad stumbles while trying to stop and catches himself on a streetlamp. The open coat man has a full display of watches of all kinds hanging from inside of his coat. He’s also wearing a suit under his coat, a very familiar looking suit.

The man continues “All kinds, pocket, wrist, RX, I have ones that glow, ones that spin, ones that zizz even.” Another man suddenly appears “Oh yeah, zizzing watches are the new talking cardboard, and look at these prices, you should totally buy one, little girl.”

/co/nrad rubs his eyes a little, for a second he thought he saw two identical men, but there’s only one. He refocuses his eyes and looks at the man’s face carefully until he’s finally able to pry his eyes away from all the distracting things on him and read the sticky note affixed to his otherwise (save for a mouth) blank face which reads ‘totally not samefag’.

“I knew it!” /co/nrad begins moving in.

The girl is actually looking at the watches, but then asks “What time is it?”

Samefag’s smile disappears “Ugh, umm...” as he looks at his own watch “11:11?”

Before he knew what happened an index finger had impacted one of his cheeks, sending ripples through his entire face as the girl exclaimed in glee “Check those dubs!”

With the force of a comet, Samefag was blasting off into the distance with a satisfying ‘ding’. /co/nrad sighed and adjusted his hat before walking over.

The girl was still pointing at nothing in particular now, she didn’t change stance until /co/nrad called out to her “Kek[s4s]ndra.” She jumped and spun around, her face now visible, her top kek hat now spinning.

“/co/nrad!” she exclaimed, and with that her arms extended like rubber hoses and wrapped around him in a hug.

“What are you doing here?” /co/nrad wheezed.

Kek[s4s]ndra looks left and right, eyes shifting looking for anyone who could be listening as she brings her face closer to /co/nrad’s, who is still wrapped up in her arms.

She holds up a hand like you do when whispering something to someone “Between you and me,” now in even more hushed whispering “someone has been spreading rumors that I’m using scripts to steal gets.”

* * *

Back in /co/nrad’s office, Kek[s4s]ndra is now happily kicking her feet sitting the chair across from /co/nrad’s desk. /co/lette has joined them.

/co/lette is the first to ask “Wait, using scripts to steal gets? What does that even mean?”

/co/nrad leans back and says “Using steroids to steal goals. As in the big cup tournament.”

“Yeah, that’s what I said.” Kek[s4s]ndra is currently looking up at the ceiling blowing raspberries.

/co/nrad now has his notebook ready “Well, most important question first: Are you using scripts?”

Kek[s4s]ndra shrugs “I dunno, that’s why I’m asking you.”

“OK.” /co/nrad opens a drawer in his desk “Then it looks like we’ll need to use this.”

With a thud, a large box now rests on /co/nrad’s desk. He removes the lid and the sides fall down revealing… mostly paper, BUT also a small electronic device which /co/nrad begins hooking up to a laptop and loading the paper into. Kek[s4s]ndra watches in fascination.

“Is that a dinosaur?” she askes.

“No, it’s a polygraph. It’s not that old, I just wanted one that also gave paper readouts.” as he continues setting it up.

Kek[s4s]ndra cocks her head “A hypno giraffe?”

“It let’s us know if you’re telling the truth. And these” /co/nrad says while handing her a bunch of suction cups attached to wires “are for you.” She stares as if expecting a punchline “To put on your face.” he quickly adds.

Now with suckers attached to her cheeks, forehead, and even one on her tongue, she gives the all clear “OK, I’m ready!”

/co/nrad turns on the device. “We’ll start with some simple questions to get a baseline. What is your name?”

“Kek[s4s]ndra.”

“How old are you?”

“11, except when I’m 22.”

“What is your favorite food?”

“Top kek.”

“What do you like to do most of the time?”

“Check ‘em!”

At this point the device is indicating no lies have been told. /co/nrad feels it’s time to get to the hard hitting questions.

“Have you, at any point in your life, ever been in contact with a script?”

“I like cats!”

“Have you, at any point in your career as a player in the cup, stolen a goal in a way that is outlawed by the official rules and regulations of the cup?”

“Stolen a goal?” Kek[s4s]ndra imagines trying to run while carrying a flag pole “Nope.”

“Have you, at any point in your career as a player in the cup, sought a way to improve your physical fitness and/or skill, that is outlawed by the official rules and regulations of the cup?”

Question marks appear above her head, she is clearly having a hard time processing this question. Results are now inconclusive and [s4s] is buried under a small mountain of paper the machine is now spewing out.

/co/nrad concludes “I guess that’s about what I expected.”

/co/lette is also looking over the results “So now what?”

“Now I gotta make a trip, to [s4s].”

At this the mound of paper erupts and out pops Kek[s4s]ndra “Whoa! You’re gonna visit me? You’ve never done that before! I gotta get things ready!” and with that the girl disappeared from sight.

/co/lette turned slowly from looking where the girl was to /co/nrad rubbing his eyes with one hand. “You want me to go with you?”

“No, no. This is now a case. You were/are on a team that played against her’s in the past so that gives you a conflict of interest I don’t want to deal with later. Just… hold down the fort for me until I get back.” /co/nrad finished rubbing his eyes.

He walks to the back of his office and pushes aside a heavy filing cabinet revealing a normal looking office door, a door that should, by all logical reasons of deduction, lead to a quick step and a two story fall down to the streets below. But no, not this door, this door, now opened, leads into a massive sprawling hallway with dozens of similar doors. With a weak smile and a wave, /co/nrad ventured out into the halls.

* * *

It had been a long time since /co/nrad had ventured out into the halls. It’s not that he had a lack of people to visit, it’s just that they visited him so often that he had little need to go out and visit them; for better or worse, that’s just how it was. Looking at the dozens and dozens of doors lining the hall, /co/nrad thought to himself about what lay beyond some of them. While his own door lead to his room and beyond that an entire universe on it’s own, other doors contained only a single room, sometimes with little to nothing in them.

As he began the walk to [s4s], he popped his head into the door right next to his own along the way: /ck/. Inside he saw Be/ck/y engaged in heated debate as always with anons over the best way to cook something or the best places to eat at. With a smile and a wave, /co/nrad left her to it.

Continuing down, /co/nrad didn’t pay the doors much mind until the one labeled “/asp/” burst open and an angry man was thrown out of it before picking himself up and leaping right back in. He hurried on past /aco/, not bothering to look back when he heard a “Howdy cuz!” on knowledge that his cousin J/aco/lyn was probably not decent, which she wasn’t, he still waved. He ran by /3/ since the door hurt his eyes and pressed forward beyond sounds he decided to block out until he heard the sound of people throwing money around and laughing, he knew he was close now.

/co/nrad had arrived, he now stood before the door labeled “[s4s]”. He breathed in deep to ready himself for whatever might be beyond the door, it could be anything, he knew more than a few doors were dangerous and contained universes far larger than the one he lived in. He entered the door.

After /co/nrad could bring himself to open his eyes and peer inside the door, he found, much to his surprise, an ordinary room. But upon further inspection, it was no ordinary room, the walls were covered in scribbled numbers, the floor was possibly made from empty top kek bags, there were strange drawings everywhere, at least a hundred identical purple shirts with the exception of what was printed on the front of them, and other peculiarities. The most peculiar of them all being the absence of  Kek[s4s]ndra. Upon further inspection /co/nrad found, to his surprise, that the room had at least one door leading beyond it with a note stuck to it that read “Meet me at the cup bowel – Kek[s4s]ndra”.

This is what /co/nrad was concerned about, of all the doors and all the rooms, he had no idea what a universe made behind this one could possibly contain. Hobbyist and even fetish boards with universes to their names at least had themes, but the only possible theme to be found here was “dank memes” and /co/nrad could not hope to fathom what a world made of nothing but those must be like. Mustering up his courage, he proceeded deeper into [s4s]. This was the hidden expense of boredom.

/co/nrad immediately shielded his eyes, there was sunlight, a bright beautiful day before him. Once his eyes adjusted, a city came into focus, one made of many strange things. Birds marched up and down the streets holding signs saying “Birds are important” and anons marched parallel to them with sings saying “Birds aren't really important”, at least the presence of anons was one constant. There were tall buildings in strange shapes, some looked like snakes in wigs holding mallets, others were statues of Bateman in all different sizes in all different costumes, in all manner of pointing at things. Fortune shops were everywhere, only out numbed by the top kek vendors, it seems this was the backbone of whatever economy they might have. Pink creatures with blue hair appeared in all shapes and sizes, some humanoid, some dog-like on all fours.

In the sea of strange colors, sounds, and smells, not everything was unfamiliar, no, /co/nrad spotted many things that he recognized as common on his own board, in his own universe, but also many things common on many other boards he was familiar with. There were parades of clones, all with the same eyes, hair, and school uniforms that he had witnessed on /a/, strange games that only maybe /v/ would recognize, and things that probably used to belong to /d/ or /aco/ before they seemed to be meme bedazzled. Memedazzled. No, that’s stupid, but not untrue. It seemed that each sprawling street before /co/nrad had been carved out of the city to fill a niche in such a way that it couldn’t exist elsewhere.

Collecting himself, /co/nrad remembered the note, he had to find the cup bowel, the [s4s] stadium, that’s where Kek[s4s]ndra was waiting for him.

* * *

Easier said than done; after wandering around for what could’ve been hours or maybe only minutes, /co/nrad found himself totally lost. The streets, the buildings, any landmarks, they all changed at random. The tallest buildings could be demolished at a moment’s notice and replaced with even bigger ones only for the process to repeat. The door to Kek[s4s]ndra’s room was affixed to a relatively smaller building that didn’t stand out in comparison, it had long since disappeared from view.

/co/nrad scratched his head “Guess I need to ask for directions.” and grabbed the nearest anon in reach, dragging him to the side of a building “Where’s the cup bowel?”

The anon started to sweat a little, “I… dunno nothing about The 4chin cupe.”

Well this is just suspicious as all get out, all eyes are on them now. /co/nrad looks around and behind him where a TV displays the time 2:21. Some of those pink creatures begin to cry as a quiet moan of “Off by one’ can be heard making its way through the crowd. Something in /co/nrad’s mind clicked and he decided to try something.

“4chan cup bowel.” he repeated, the clock having changed to 2:22 behind him now.

The streets exploded with a combination of cheering “wew lad” and countless pointing fingers flying from every direction. /co/nrad through fast and threw the anon into the crowd where he was thrown in the air repeatedly, drawn on, and meme’d upon.

/co/nrad adjusted his coat “I get it now.”

A marathon of strange brown creatures who looked like poles with legs were now running down the street; /co/nrad thought to himself that they resembled, however vaguely, a terrible creature known to stalk the /b/adlands which he hoped had gone extinct by now. Among them was a man wearing what looked like the local team uniform with “the corn man” printed on it. Indeed, he had corn in both hands, or maybe they were weights that looked like corn, either way, his arms had muscles. This being the only lead he had, /co/nrad decided to follow the corn man.

* * *

/co/nrad soon found himself in a park with many, MANY statues of soccer players, or were they football players? Regional naming conventions are a bitch. Either way, he knew he was getting close now. All of the statues were pointing to the same structure in the middle of the park, two enormous pointing hands upwards formed the entrance with the words “Dub’s Stadium” arched between them. As /co/nrad made his way closer, he noticed the flowers were singing, until one big flower uprooted itself revealing a body clothed in another uniform and began running with the corn man. He was now accompanied by what looked like a seal, a fox girl who kept howling, many strange looking men, some sort of censored from reality mess, a goblin, and other things he could not make heads nor tails of.

Entering the stadium, it seemed remarkably normal. It had all the things a massive sporting facility should have: stands, bathrooms, exit signs, a well kept playing field, etc. The whole structure was enclosed anyway, so he knew the residents must hold this in high regard. Accusations of their team captain using scripts would probably be a touchy subject, and speaking of, /co/nrad finally spotted Kek[s4s]ndra down on the field in her captain’s uniform kicking the ball around.

Having been hired by her in the first place to investigate this matter, /co/nrad felt he needed more information on the rest of the team before proceeding; he thought to himself that asking questions around here wouldn't get him any answers, or at least not any usable answers. By this line of thinking, he began making his way to the locker room, he at least wanted to know what their names were before dealing with whatever brand of silliness was in store for him.

The entire stadium had been reserved for the day for team practice, so aside from the odd skinny bear creature (which he found out were called gondolas) doing janitorial work, there was no one around to question what was obviously a suspicious man walking around. Finding the locker rooms was easy, and all of the lockers were clearly labeled. Quickly located the locker with ‘Kek[s4s]ndra’ printed on it, /co/nrad began being a snoop.

“Might as well start here.”

As /co/nrad opened the locker, he heard something squeak from inside. He paused for a second, it wouldn’t surprise him one bit if she kept something living in the locker, like a pet, or a mascot. Everything in this place seemed much more resilient than back home so this might even be normal. Or it could be a trap, even a biological trap, like the ones he’d set up with fa/tg/uy before. As all of this flashed through /co/nrad’s mind, he swung the locker door open and swung to the side with it, out of sight of whatever might be waiting to jump out at him.

Nothing came out, but the sounds were still there. In fact, they were even more agitated now. /co/nrad readied himself for whatever it might be, but he could not be prepared for what he saw.

Inside the locker was Kek[s4s]ndra herself, bound with rope and with a piece of duct tape over her mouth.

Just as /co/nrad was reaching for the tape, the [s4s] team came filling into the locker room, being lead by team captain Kek[s4s]ndra. They all paused, the second Kek[s4s]ndra was the first to speak.

“Whatever you do, don’t remove that tape.”

* * *

The entire [s4s] team is now sitting in the locker room, /co/nrad is sitting across from Kek[s4s]ndra 1 and Kek[s4s]ndra 2, who still has tape over her mouth, but is otherwise unbound and now sitting grumpily on one of the benches.

“OK.” /co/nrad says as he rubs his eyes “Explain this!”

Kek[s4s]ndra’s lips puff up and move to one side with an attempt at a whistle as her eyes drift off elsewhere “It’s… nothing really.”

/co/nrad takes a deep breath, he knows what he must do to get to the bottom of this. He gets up and starts walking around the team, just sort of smelling the air.

“This smell, this smelly smell that smells… smelly.” /co/nrad breaths in deep with his nose “This is the smell of a secret keeper.”

One of the members of the team begins to sweat, he looks like a caricature of a caricature of a troll face, a thrice twisted take on it only more goblin like. /co/nrad is now standing directly behind him as he begins to tremble.

“OK.” he says meekly “I know who they both are, I got /b/ad blood, so I can tells.” he’s sweating bullets now as both of the Kek[s4s]ndras are looking at him now. In fact all eyes are on him now. “I… I dunno which is which, but one of them is Kek[s4s]ndra, and the other is… well, ya see… she’s… she’s...” he gulps and in the hushest of hushed whispers mumbles “she’s /l/elaura.”

As if speaking of butts of the moldy variety or jacks that have candles, there was a great, thunderous sound and the lights flickered. This was something /co/nrad had only heard urban rumors about, things that predated his arrival on the seance as one way to put it, something only the old /b/astard himself might remember, but one of those topics no one would ever dare inquire about. This was no longer about scripts, this was now something that the guys upstairs would bring the hammer down on all of them for if it wasn’t sorted quick.

/co/nrad composes himself “And you don’t know which is which?”

The weird goblin player shakes his head so hard his nose looked like it might fly off. “The only way to know, it to put them both on the field. Cap’n Kek[s4s]ndra is the best at scoring goals, no way she’d lose to… her.”

At this, the tapped girl rips the tape off her mouth causing everyone in the room to jump back away from her “No one scores goals like me! Let’s go, dum-dum!”

* * *

Dramatic lighting is now being liberally applied to the field, both girls eyes burn with the fire of a veteran Mario Kart player, /co/nrad could swear at least one of /m/’s mix tapes was being played as ambiance.

/co/nrad takes the field “The rules are simple, you each get 10 shots, whoever scores the most goals in the...” he narrows his eyes at the cue card “dankest way proves they are the real team captain, and the loser will be sent back to the void they escaped from.”

It begins. On opposite ends of the field both girls run for the ball and shoot. One of them does a sliding kick to angle it in a way the goalie wouldn’t expect, the other kicks it in such a way that it spins right out of the goalie’s hands and bounces off of the posts supporting the netting to bounce it in. The team all nods at this. They continue, one of them kicks the ball up into the air and headbutts it into the goal, the other falls on her face, rolls on the ground like a ball, and hits it like a billiard ball to send it flying.

There are rumbles in the air now, the static from the encroaching punishment of the violation in board law makes the ground itself begin to split, the field is uneven now. One of them banks on this for a trick shot by bouncing the ball through the cracks like a trench run, the other bounces like a pogostick with her legs extending and shrinking as if she were from a rubber hose black and white cartoon.

The sky splits and a vortex begins forming, the field is now being ripped apart and the goals are in the air. One of them kicks the ball in such a way where it goes in and out of the goal over and over again like a paddle ball thanks to the winds, the other pulls extra balls out of her ears and begins rapidly kicking them in. They both reached the 10 shot count, a winner must be decided before they are all crushed under the falling massive hammer now emerging from the sky.

“Well, who is the real Kek[s4s]ndra?!” /co/nrad yells at Ses, who is now clinging to him for dear life in the airborne seats they’re trying to stay planted in.

Ses musters up enough strength to point in the high winds “That’s the cap’n, the other’s the fake!”

The girl he didn’t point at looks shocked, then angry, her eyes change to red, her hair changes styles, her clothing begins to… melt? She blasts off from the chunk of land she was stand on and flies at  Kek[s4s]ndra screaming “I WON’T GO BACK ALONE!”

As she lunges at the real Kek[s4s]ndra the hammer is nearly upon her, the team all stares in shock, but then, Kek[s4s]ndra’s eyes light up. Before anyone could see what she did, /l/elaura’s face collies with a soccer ball, knocking her off target. /l/elaura catches herself on a flying piece of field, she’s looking down, she’s angry, she looks up and her face changes to terror, the hammer is about to make contact.

Kek[s4s]ndra makes a face “No dum-dum, I stay, you go, no following!”

The hammer has made contact. In a flash of light and a blast of air, everything goes back into place, /l/elaura is nowhere to be seen. /co/nrad gets up, peels Ses off of his person like a hula hoop, and walks over to where Kek[s4s]ndra is still standing.

He looks up at the sky “She’ll probably be back. If she could escape before, she can escape again.”

Kek[s4s]ndra picks up the ball “Maybe then she’ll actually want to play games without being /l/ewd.”

“Speaking of, you asked me to find out if scripts were being used, and I think I have an answer for you now.” Kek[s4s]ndra spins around to face /co/nrad now as he continues “During the showdown, you were doing a bunch of non-regulation tricks. Those tricks looked scripted to me.”

Kek[s4s]ndra is spinning the ball on one finger now “That wasn’t a match, so it wasn’t against the rules. I don’t play that way during the cup.”

/co/nrad continues “So to answer your question, yes, you’ve been using scripts to steal gets,” Kek[s4s]ndra’s arms seem to deflate and go limp as she drops the ball “but you haven’t been using them during the cup games to cheat, so it’s not illegal.”

Kek[s4s]ndra rubs her chin with a hand at the end of her floppy arms “Hmm, OK. Thanks for clearing that up, /co/nrad.” She begins bouncing the ball on her head over and over again, like imitating a pump to get her arms re-inflated. “We’re gonna get back to practice now.”

/co/nrad shrugs, “I’m gonna head home. Someone point me in the right direction.”

* * *

Back in /co/nrad’s office, /co/lette is sitting in his chair wearing a spare coat and hat /co/nrad had lying around. She’s kicked back with her legs on the desk for balancing the chair. A loud slam jolts her to the floor as the door in /co/nrad’s office that he left from swings open and a large, pointing hand shoots out of it with /co/nrad riding on it.

He dismounts, waves saying “Thanks for the ride.” and the hand waves back before disappearing back through the door.

/co/nraad looks at /co/lette on the floor and extends a hand “Did I miss anything?”

/co/lette takes his hand “Oh, not much, just a giant monster, a theft at a comic shop over some vintage Golden Girl issues, an army of S.P.A.M. Bots lead by Anomalous Norm, and a phone call from Colby about some work at CO & Friends Insurance. The usual Saturday stuff.”

/co/nrad checks his watch, it’s late “Huh, tell me about it over toonami.”

END