AnalPlugAnon

[RGRE-ish] Short string of Tyranon chuckles

Oct 18th, 2019
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  1. >When Anon gets bored of being a tyrant and accidentally keeps winning
  2. ---
  3.  
  4. >Anon is finally, FINALLY, caught
  5. >He remembered everything this time
  6. >No anti-magic armor on his guards, for one
  7. >In fact, they weren't even guards
  8. >Guards might have a chance of winning, so he picked random peasants off the street
  9. >They don't even have weapons; you told them that you were too poor to afford weapons, so they'd have to pretend that they have spears and shit
  10. >Basically, imaginary Christmas.
  11. >The armour is just old metal cut as thin as you could make it - it took a few tries to even get the "armour" on them, because it kept tearing under the strain.
  12. >Also, you've kept them all awake for 72 hours just in case this somehow wasn't enough.
  13. >Two of your guards have passed out in front of the Mane 6.
  14. >Two more are trying to arrest a statue about 10 feet to the hero's left
  15. >One of them hasn't even gotten up from her table and is just drinking coffee in the corner
  16. >You decided that today was the sacred human holiday of "Carry No Weapons, Wear No Armour, And Also Loudly Announce Your Secret Plans So That They Can Be Spoiled" Day.
  17. >You made it a gift-exchanging holiday because it was funny to hear ponies yelling out "Happy Carry No Weapons, Wear No Armour, And Also Loudly Announce Your Secret Plans So That They Can Be Spoiled Day!" while shoving wrapped presents into each other's hooves.
  18. >On a related note, you've had several ponies arrested after hearing them cheerfully announce their plans to overthrow you and rule with iron hooves.
  19. >Maybe this idea wasn't as stupid as you thought it was.
  20. >"Overlord Anonymous! In the name of Celestia, you're under arrest!"
  21. "Oh, thank god. Fucking FINALLY."
  22. >Now you can pursue your one true calling.
  23. >Teaching.
  24. >Also, coffee mug collecting.
  25. "You have no idea how badly I want this to happen. Please, I want to be arrested."
  26. >And you hold your hands out so that she can cuff you.
  27. >The nightmare is finally over.
  28. >You can be rehabilitated (or "rehabilitated", because you sort of fell ass-backwards into villainy in the first place), get a normal job teaching foals, and live a peaceful life where you don't have to oversee troops, figure out how to pay everyone, and just generally be a menacing and bizarrely-successful evil leader.
  29. >Twilight smiles smugly (if slightly confusedly).
  30. >"I'm glad to hear that. Now, all I have to do is slap these cuffs on you, and-"
  31. >>"Wait!"
  32. >Applejack eyes you suspiciously.
  33. >>"Today is Carry No Weapons, Wear No Armour, And Also Loudly Announce Your Secret Plans So That They Can Be Spoiled Day. And the Overlord is freely announcing to use how badly he wants to be arrested."
  34. >What.
  35. >Applejack smiles triumphantly.
  36. >>"Ah might just be a simple farm-pony, but Ah believe that there means that getting put in our dungeons is part of his plans."
  37. >The other members of the Mane 6 eye you suspiciously.
  38. >No.
  39. >Don't you fuck this up for you, Applejack.
  40. >DON'T YOU FUCKING DARE.
  41. "No."
  42. >Twilight breaks out into a cold sweat and whips her head around frantically, taking in your piss-poor defense.
  43. >The coffee-drinking pony is onto her 4th cup.
  44. >The passed out ponies are still asleep, and they're making adorable sleepy cooing noises.
  45. >The two ponies trying to arrest a statue have managed to wrestle it to the ground.
  46. >"Th-This is too easy!" Twilight yelps fearfully, "He wants this! IT'S A TRAP!"
  47. >Twilight spins on her hooves and, neighing loudly in distress, gallops out the giant, unguarded, wide-open front gate of your castle.
  48. >"RETREAT! EVERYPONY RUN, IT'S A TRAP! RUN, BEFORE IT'S TOO LATE!"
  49. "NO!"
  50. >You chase after them as they all run away.
  51. "Come back!"
  52. >CLOPPITY CLOPPITY CLOPPITY
  53. "Please! For the love of god, get back here!"
  54. >"We'll get you, Anon!" shouts Twilight in the distance, her voice trailing off, "Next tiiiiiiiiime!!"
  55. "GOD FUCKING DAMMIT!"
  56. >You collapse onto your hands and knees and pound the ground with your fists.
  57. "Why does nothing ever WORK?!"
  58. >Cloppity... cloppity... cloppity...
  59. >You feel a hoof pat you on the back, and you turn to see the tired coffee-drinking mare with a mug hanging in her magical grip.
  60. >"Nice work, boss," she yawns, "You lured them into a false sense of security with your masculine wiles. I don't think I've ever heard of anypony who lured their enemies right into their inner sanctum."
  61. >She smiles sleepily at you.
  62. >"They'll think twice before trying this again."
  63. >Oh, no.
  64. >That's the opposite of what you wanted.
  65. >You wanted them to not even consider NOT arresting you.
  66. >In the face of your silence, the coffee-mare drains her mug and hands it to you.
  67. >"You want this? I got it at a thrift sore back when I live in Canterlot."
  68. >You hold the mug in front of you and examine it.
  69. >It's heavy and solidly built.
  70. >Unique and not plain.
  71. >Shape is non-standard, but not so much of a novelty that you can't drink from it.
  72. >Even the handle (which mugs have, despite ponies not having fingers) looks unique.
  73. >It's even big enough to hold a reasonable amount of coffee, so it's not a useless aesthetic mug-shaped object.
  74. >It's a really nice coffee mug.
  75. "...thanks, Dark Roast."
  76. >Maybe you'll go back to your chambers and install a shelf on your wall.
  77. >No reason why you can't start collecting mugs while you're stuck here.
  78. -------
  79. >"Fiend! Foul temptation of a stallion!"
  80. >You push Luna's food-laden plate closer to her and boop her on the snoot
  81. >Luna immediately flinches and sneezes
  82. "No shouting at the dinner table."
  83. >Luna harumphs and grumpily looks down at her dinner
  84. >"Is this stir-fry?"
  85. "Made with fresh vegetables, yes. There's rice if you want some, and I made cupcakes for dessert."
  86. >Luna's horn lights up and she angrily stabs at her meal with a fork
  87. >"We have yet to poison ourselves with thine cooking, monster," she growls, staring up at you accusingly.
  88. >You sigh and spoon some rice onto your plate
  89. "You're free to leave at any time, you know."
  90. >Luna scoffs, rolling her eyes at the suggestion
  91. >"You expect me to believe that I can just leave?"
  92. "You have free reign of the castle. You have a bedroom to sleep in at night, and the door doesn't even have a lock on it. You can literally just fly away."
  93. >"Without my sister? Do you think I would abandon Celestia?"
  94. >The mare in question pokes her head in through the doorway
  95. >>"...I heard my name."
  96. >You gesture towards the table
  97. "Dinner's ready. It's stir-fry, rice, and we have cupcakes for dessert."
  98. >Celestia grins sheepishly and licks her lips free of icing.
  99. >>"...no we don't."
  100. "You see, Luna?" you ask, pointing at Celestia with a fork, "Your sister is free to leave at any time. Seriously."
  101. >You point at the giant open window just behind you.
  102. "Please leave. Everyone thinks I'm holding you hostage, and it's not helping my claims that I'm not a villain. I even let you keep your pointy hoof-booties."
  103. >"You expect us to believe that you do not have contingencies if we try to escape?! Do you think we're stupid?!"
  104. "A little bit, yes."
  105. >Luna angrily scoops up a sloppy forkful of cooked vegetables and shoves it into her mouth.
  106. >CHOMP
  107. >"..."
  108. >CHEW CHEW CHEW
  109. >"Oh my stars."
  110. >Luna shovels another forkful into her mouth before she's even done swallowing the first mouthful.
  111. >Celestia licks her lips.
  112. >>"If only you weren't evil..."
  113. ------
  114. >Anon arranges a diplomatic meeting with Twilight
  115. >Brings the princesses out to prove that they're fine and can leave at any time
  116. "No, seriously; please take them. Please. They're eating all my food."
  117. >Twilight sees Celestia and Luna wearing outfits
  118. >Luna has basically just ransacked Anon's clothes dresser
  119. >"We hope you do not mind, Anon, but we have procured a few pairs of your socks. They make us feel tingly when we wear them."
  120. >She thinks that Anon is dressing them up (especially with socks) to humiliate them and, by extension, Equestria
  121. >Leaves and angrily declares that diplomacy between them is done
  122. >Meanwhile, Celestia and Luna actually really like wearing Anon's dress-shirts and neckties
  123. "And to think I had nice cupcakes with Twilight's cutie mark made in icing ready to give to her."
  124. >Celestia guiltily wipes icing off of her lips with her stolen necktie
  125. >"...no you don't."
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