Localdrunkanon

home brew kinderquestria greens

Feb 1st, 2020 (edited)
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  1. >be anon
  2. >be on nightly night stroll because there are actually see able stars here in horseland and no horsenet hasn't been invented yet
  3. >you are wearing a coyote brown hoodie and kahki pants
  4. >hey anon never said he didn't have shit taste
  5. >the colors seem to make you almost invisible to poners as it vaguely blends into the scenery
  6. >see police poner patrolling
  7. >anon decides to fuck with the ponice officer for shit and giggles dives into nearest bush
  8. >be ponice pone and be shitting your pants at a scary sound you just heard
  9. "hello Is any one there!?"
  10. >she looks around to see who made the noise but finds no one around
  11. >anon starts to quietly giggle
  12. "hey stop doing what your doing this isn't funny!"
  13. >anon contains himself and silence ensues
  14. >ponice mare does the pic posted here >>34839931
  15. "don't make me come over there!"
  16. >anon decides that he's been spotted and gets up grunting and starts to say "you are the first pony to-"
  17. >only to be cut off by a very scared and tumultuously screaming ponice pone
  18. "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH INVISIBLE MONSTER!"
  19. >anon takes his hood off at the speed of sound and say "woah woah it's ok its just me the friendly neighborly local jolly green giant"
  20. >the mare settles down but still looks frightened
  21. "o-o-oh-h y-you s-scared me, w-why d-did you d-do that?"
  22. >tears start to begin filling her eye's and anon starts to feel like shit "oh im sorry if I scared you I didn't mean to, my hoodie and pants blends into the background really well." anon gives her a hug to consul her
  23. "i-it's okay, but what are you doing out so late in the scary dark you could get hurt by monsters?"
  24. >anon replies " looking at the stars, there prettier than on my planet."
  25. >the police mare looked confused at first but then understood why you were doing what you were with that explanation
  26. "oh okay b-but be safe and watch out for scary night monsters."
  27. >"y-you too" anon replies like an autist
  28. >the ponice pone turns around to start walking away but before she could get far anon shouts out to her "hey! would you like to look at the stars with me, i could use a big strong ponice officer to keep me safe?"
  29. >the ponice mare turns around
  30. "uhmm, ok sure why not, I can keep you very safe!"
  31. > she puffs out her chest with pride
  32. >the two of them spend some time star gazing
  33.  
  34. >anon currently is currently cleaning his house cause the ponies threatened to condemn his house if he didn't
  35. >his house was according to him "not dirty at all"
  36. >the pony health inspector would have none of that and ordered him to do so, thanks to an anonymous tip by a concerened local [spoiler]twiggles[/spoiler]
  37. >damn horses don't fuck around
  38. >anon picked up some month old laundry that was in the corner of his bathroom
  39. >suddenly a fuck huge spider comes skittering out at the speed of sound
  40. >anon totally didn't scream [spoiler]like a bitch
  41. [/spoiler] as he in totally not [spoiler]deathly[/spoiler] afraid of spiders
  42. >while dropping the clothes and perching himself up onto the near by toilet with a roll of toilet paper ready to throw at the spooder if it decides to strike, anon prepares him self for battle
  43. >it starts approaching the toilet cautiously
  44. >he takes that as a threat and he throws the roll of toilet paper at his enemy only to miss because he has the aim of an 80 year old man with Alzheimer's and Parkinson's
  45. >suddenly anon hears boss music https://youtu.be/JY39CBDJyXc
  46. >he knows that all is forlorn as he desperately searches for ammunition only to find he has left
  47. >the magnificently large and lethal spooder charges him at full glorious gallop to embrace anon in noble combat
  48. "I guess this is the hill I die on!"
  49. >anon says while shielding his face and adverting his gaze, he expects the worse
  50. >teary eyed and dramatically anon says
  51. "give me a honorable death so I may enter Valhalla,and tell my friends I love them!"
  52. >*purring* anon feels something soft touching his head
  53. >anon looks up to the ceiling to see the spider nuzzling his head and purring
  54. >anon shits his pants while shrieking [spoiler]in a totally manly way[/spoiler] while [spoiler]running away[/spoiler] making a "tactical retreat" to the living room slamming the bathroom door behind him to buy himself time
  55. >anon hastily constructs a pillow fort using his couches and pillows from his room
  56. >anon overlooks his work with pride
  57. "it's beautiful. this fort shall hence fourth be known as anons redoubt!"
  58. >the boss music picks back up again with a different track this time https://youtu.be/_Bi5C3oh1DU
  59. "OH NO YOU DON'T YOU LITTLE BASTARD!"
  60. >anon tucks himself away with a pan on his head and a broom stick in hand eyes blood shot
  61. >the music gets louder as the spider rounds the corner of the hall way leading into the living room
  62. >anon readying his broom stick in hand ready for battle
  63. "come get some!"
  64. >anon takes aim praying for true aim this time
  65. >the spider gallantly presses forward fearlessly
  66. >anon looses his broom upon the unstoppable death machine
  67. >and... misses again
  68. "what but how!?!"
  69. >anon wonders how he could miss a second time
  70. >this leaves little time for anon to react as his fort defenses are penetrated
  71. >anon seeing he has no other choice chooses to surrender
  72. "oh great noble enemy, i can no longer withstand your onslaught. what are your demands of my capitulation?"
  73. >the spider stops and tilts its head at anon, before offering a flower and giving anon a weird smile
  74. >anon confused says
  75. "so... you aren't going to bite me? or crawl all over me?"
  76. >the spider nods in agreement extending the flower closer
  77. "so you are a friendly spider?"
  78. >the spider nods yes
  79. >anon takes his former enemy's peace offering
  80. "I... uhh... I'm sorry for over reacting im just scared of spiders"
  81. >the spider looks sympathetic and starts nuzzling anons hand while purring
  82. >anon slightly creeped out but also finding this adorable pets the spider
  83. "uh since we are all cool now, would you help me clean my house in exchange for food and continued residency?"
  84. >the spider nods vigorously
  85.  
  86. and that's how anon made a spider friend, over came his fears, and managed to get extra help cleaning his house
  87.  
  88. >anon appears around the time of the canterlot wedding
  89. >anon has to attend the wedding because he's already there so why not
  90. >he already suspects "cadence" of not being real
  91. >que chrysalis revealing her self
  92. > anon goes and says "I fucking knew it"
  93. >que pones saying "woah" about him being perceptive enough to know
  94. >anon then marches up to chryssi telling her to cut the shit or face the consequences of her actions
  95. >chryssi and the other pones are stunned by anons sudden aggression but chryssi not knowing anon antagonizes him with "oh yeah? what are you gonna do about it?"
  96. >chryssi can barely register what has happened as anon mercilessly thwacks her with a concealed carry newspaper he had stuffed in his jacket
  97. >anon is no pussy he is a /K/ommando so he carries irregardless of the laws
  98. >mane six +plus celly and moona look on in horror as they witness what is essentially jesus's crucifixion to the pones
  99. >anon asks chryssi if she's ready to cut her bullshit out after a solid minute of newspaper whipping
  100. >she says yes
  101. >anon picks her up tarzan style while making glorious ape noises to establish dominance
  102. >the real cantdance is returned safely and all is well afterwards
  103. >anons face when he earned an iron cross for his service
  104. I wrote this on a whim and i am currently drunk so yes its random also would bust a nut if someone ponified the spoilered image
  105.  
  106. >/K/ommando anons week hasn't really been ideal
  107. >he has found himself in strange land filled with small talking horses of pastel complexion and childlike naivety
  108. >he knew that he should have not done the stalker challenge in that old abandoned textile mill
  109. >fucking floor gave in immediately as soon as both his feet touched it
  110. >then ended up waking in some weird ass forest with a dragon chicken looking at him
  111. >anon ate that fucker promptly after decapitating it with his sturdy E-Tool
  112. >it was delicious
  113. >he ended up just wandering around this forest for approximately a day before a local found him
  114. >que the pony screaming and speaking like a human
  115. >que anon pissing himself and attempting to run away from the obvious demon horse and KO'ing himself on a tree, he should have been wearing his retard helmet
  116. >after that he woke up in the Canterlot veterinarian clinic and met with the god lazor horses
  117. >anon snapping out out of his reminiscence of past events looks out of the window and at the moon that was starting to give way to the ass crack of dawn
  118. >the smol hoerses brought him to what he thinks is their capital city if he remembers correctly
  119. >their rulers decided to let him stay in their castle to make sure he "isn't a threat to society and to make sure he recovers well from his wound"
  120. >anon naturally being skeptical did not like the situation he found himself currently in
  121. >he just knew that they were bound to probe his anus with large phallic shaped probes and he did not want that
  122. >he knows that their innocence is just a facade to get him to lower his guard so that he can be converted to gay
  123. >but fortunately for anon he has a plan
  124. >and that plan is to get his gear back then get the fuck out of dodge
  125. >anon has in the past 6 days memorized the times which the guard rotate out and exactly how long it takes for them to do so which is approximately 30 minutes
  126. >they always rotate out at the crack of dawn 6:00am, then again around three hours later for mid morning snack time, again at noon for lunch an naps, and finally again around dusk what he guesses to be around 6:30 for dinner
  127. >anon cracks his door to observe the night guards beginning to leave
  128. >all of them quiet tired looking, yawning and stretching.
  129. >...goddammit that's fucking cute
  130. >his heart would have been liquefied from the cuteness if he wasn't so sure that they ARE going to violate his poopdeck
  131. >anon looks around and sees that the guards have all cleared out
  132. >justlikeinmyanimus.jpg
  133. >anon starts wandering around
  134. >fuck he should have memorized the castle before attempting to get his shit back and escape
  135. >25 minutes pass and anon is now officially lost
  136. "holy fucking shit how big is this goddamn place?"
  137. >anon stops and tries to get his bearings and sure enough he has no fucking idea what part of the castle he's in
  138. "fuck it i'll just cover my eyes and spin around with my finger pointed out and go in that direction"
  139. >anon does so and ended up pointing down a large corridor
  140. >he goes down it and ends up in the ballroom
  141. >anon looks at his phone only to realized that his little stunt fucked him over and that now he will have to wait until mid morning snack time to continue his journey
  142. "I really need to think shit through before taking action"
  143. >anon finds a secluded corner in the room parallel to the door and sits there with his head on a swivel
  144. "hopefully I don't get caught because that will lead to definitive anal probing"
  145. >anon shutters and that thought
  146.  
  147. >be Princess Celeriac
  148. >you have just finished eating when you were informed that the green militaristic ape was not in his room
  149. "What?!, What do you mean that he isn't in his room!?!"
  150. >(guard pony)"He's just not there, your majesty. we are currently forming a search party to go looking for him in the city."
  151. "this is most concerning, we don't know much about him besides that he is reclusive and un-trusting who knows what kind of evil things he could be capable of!"
  152. >(Luna) "it is indeed dear sister we must find him immediately, we shall take flight with the guards to help assist in his recapturing"
  153. "good idea Luna surely with your excellent hide and seek skills you should be able to find the ape alien I shall stay here in the castle and look for him with some guards"
  154. >(luna) "we shall leave with great haste sister, Guard please escort us to the rendezvous point so that we shall plan our search efforts and organize the guards"
  155. >(guard pony) "Yes your majesty, follow me!"
  156. >and with that luna and the guard pony rush out of the dining room to organize a search party
  157. >this gives celly time to think about the ape alien and try to get a guess on how he thinks to best surmise the course of action he took
  158. >well you new that he was quite cold, distant, and very suspicious of any pony when they went around him
  159. >and obviously he is quite observant if he could get past your guards
  160. >...
  161. >celly is jolted out of her thoughts at the sound of the door opening and snaps her eyes up to see the one and only twilight sparkle coming in along with guards
  162. "Twilight! Its great to see that you got my letter inviting you to meet the human, How are you?"
  163. >twilight gallops up to celly and embraces her with the most horsey hug imaginable
  164. >"I'm doing great princess! I was very excited to meet the hyooman, but what is all this stuff im hearing about the hyooman escaping, what happened princess?"
  165. "I don't know twilight I'm just as ignorant of what has happened as you are, but since you are here you can help me assist in finding him."
  166. >"I will gladly help you look for him Princess Celestia! is there any where specific you want me too look?"
  167. >Celestia thinks about it for a moment
  168. "hmmm, why don't you search in the areas adjacent to the ballroom and the ballroom, then from there if you don't find him you can try the kitchen"
  169. >"alright princess I promise I won't let you down!"
  170. "I'am sure you wont twilight, now you two guards come with me we are going to search the gardens and outside areas of the castle! the rest of you search elsewhere inside the castle"
  171. >and with that celly went sprinting out the door towards the garden
  172. "I hope we find him before its too late"
  173.  
  174. >anon awaking to the days sun shining on his face
  175. "shit fuck ass nigger cunt I fucking fell asleep what fucking time is it?"
  176. >anon looks at his phone
  177. "shit its fucking 10:30 I fucking missed the mid morning snack rotation!"
  178. >anon gets up and stretches and looks around
  179. >he hears hoof steps quickly approaching
  180. "oh shit shit shit shit shit shit"
  181. >anon desperately looks for a place to hide but is unsuccessful and the hoof steps get closer
  182. >anon decides his best course of action is to stay in his corner and when the pony comes in to-
  183. >a purple pony walks in
  184. >anon is shitting his pants
  185. >'oh fuck i hope she(?) does not see me' anon thinks
  186. >"Hello? is anypony there? Hellooooooooooooo!!!"
  187. >anon is just remaining calm as the purple horse takes a few more steps in and she immediately spotted you
  188. >"oh my GOSH I FOUND YOU!" the pony exclaims as she does a little horsey dance
  189. >it was pretty cute but you didn't respond or answer
  190. >maybe if you stayed still enough shed think you are a plant and fuck off
  191. >...
  192. >"well? Aren't You going to introduce your self? It's okay if you are shy"
  193. >shit its anal destruction for you
  194. >with a resigned sigh you decide to speak
  195. "my name is, anonymous"
  196. >"OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! That's a nice name, my name is Twilight sparkle"
  197. >just fucking riveting
  198. >"so do you mind telling me why you are here in the ball room? princess Celestia wasn't very happy that you disappeared and has all the guards in the castle looking for you"
  199. >Holy sheep fucking christ getting whipped with literal nigger shit
  200. "Holy hell god horse is searching for me?"
  201. >"first of all she isn't god horse she is princess celestia, second of all you didn't answer my question."
  202. "I'm in the ballroom because...uh...because I uh, got hungry and tried to find the kitchen and got lost"
  203. >as if on cue you stomach lets out a loud as fuck grumble
  204. >"oh my you must be starving, why don't you come with me to the kitchen and we can get something to eat before I start asking you about your world"
  205. "I quite famished, but before we go i have one question for you?"
  206. >"alright I'm listening?"
  207. "Are you gonna probe my anus?"
  208.  
  209. >/k/ommando anon during his initial introduction to poner society witnesses a pony get anvil get dropped on said poners head
  210. >anon being from erf freaks the fuck out thinking the pony is ded and panics
  211. >anon nearly shits himself when the pony just shakes the strike off like it was nothing
  212. >anon then calms down and really makes sure the pony is fine and gives the pony ear scratches
  213. >then the sudden realization of the kinder pones physics hits him like the anvil hitting that pony
  214. >anon could fucking die at any time due to a pony trying to prank him or due to a genuine accident
  215. >*straps helmet tighter and keeps head on a swivel while sweating loudly*
  216. >the ponies just think anon is being retarded and ask why he's acting the way he is
  217. >he tells them that what they consider to be pranks could kill him
  218. >the ponies don't believe him and think hes just trying to weasel his way out of getting pranked
  219. >anon makes it back to the golden oaks library after getting his tour around ponyville
  220. >during his tour the mane 6 revealed their most recent issue of ponk finding the mirror pool and creating a load of clones
  221. >they apparently haven't closed it off yet either
  222. >this gives anon an idea
  223. "twilight, I have some questions about the mirror pool?"
  224. >twilight eyes anon suspiciously
  225. >"I'll answer whatever you ask but i have my own question first... why are you asking about the mirror pool? you aren't going to pull a pinkie are you?"
  226. "No i'm not going to pull a pinkie, i'm just asking because I heard that the town hasn't closed it off yet and wanted to offer to close it up."
  227. >twilight instantly perked up
  228. >"oh well okay I guess, it will help ponyville out quite a bit if you were to close the entry way up. do you Know where it is located?"
  229. >after about 20 mins of talking with twiggles anon is on his way to the mirror pool with supplies to carry out his master plan
  230. >what anon does is he uses his /k/ommando camouflage skills to make a hidden door that covers the entryway to the pool but with a hidden lock on it
  231. >anon giggles to himself over the genius of his plan as he walks out of the mirror pool with a clone
  232. >he begins to walk back to ponyville explaining to the clone his master plan
  233. >"so what you are saying is that the sole reason i exist right now is to help prank some of your friends?
  234. "well in essence yes, but to also prove a point."
  235. >"ok but may i ask what kind of point is it that has to be proved with me rather than just talking to the ponies?"
  236. >this fucking clone
  237. "you will see when it happens, but for now i just need you to take my place for me."
  238. >the clone ponders for a second but hesitantly accepts "I do what you ask but what will i get out of this"
  239. >this sweet summer child assumes he's gonna live through this
  240. "Well uh, what would you like then?"
  241. >the clone thinks for a few seconds before replying
  242. >"I want guaranteed freedom to go an live elsewhere in equestria"
  243. >anon almost fails at not laughing which gets him a suspicious look from the clone
  244. "I'm sorry i just thought of something funny when you said what you said but yea sure I can agree to your request, lets shake on it?"
  245. >the clone misunderstanding what that meant started gyrating like a fucking idiot
  246. "no give me your hand"
  247. >the clone stops and does as requested
  248. "okay good now move your arm up and down"
  249. >the clone violently moves his arm up and down
  250. "jesus christ you have to be gentle"
  251. >it's been about a week since anon replaced himself with the clone the first few days were stressful as the clone almost outed himself
  252. >luckily for anons masterfull planing anon told the clone that he would meet him at sunset at the forests edge to teach him how to hyooman in exchange for food
  253. >anon is currently watching his clone and the pink poner, also known as pinkie pie according to the clone, stroll down the street from within a bush and sees the blue one also known as rainbow dash also according to the clone, setting up an anvil prank in the distance
  254. >everything is according to plan
  255. >anon watches as the clone gets his head caved in by said anvil
  256. >he watched as the color drained from pinkie pies face and her eyes went to pin pricks
  257. >rainbow dash literally shit and then collapsed in a minor seizure
  258. >its like pandora's box had been opened there are ponies running around screaming, some vomiting, and others fleeing the scene with their foals (?)
  259. >this succeeded in two thing
  260. >number one being that anon learns that he isn't affected by the ponies weird ass physics
  261. >and number two that getting an anvil dropped on his head would be super messy
  262. >those poor horses
  263. > anon now has to figure out how to unfuck the situation
  264. >he was expecting a lightning prank to take place but he guesses that this won't ever be forgotten and more than proves his point
  265. >anon decides that sneaking into golden oaks library and then explaining the situation to twilight would be the best course of action
  266.  
  267. >"H-H-HOW ARE YOU HERE ANON!?! Y-YOU LITERALLY D-D-DIED YESTERDAY!" twilight screams
  268. >being honest you don't blame her for screaming you'd be scared to if you saw what you thought to be the corpse of a friend and saw them perfectly fine walking around your home the next day
  269. "twilight its ok im the real anon the one that died was a mirror pool clone"
  270. >twilights mouth hits the floor hard enough to shake the entire library, then her expression turns to a very angry one
  271. >"YOU, USED, THE MIRROR POOL!!! WHEN YOU SAID YOU WEREN'T GOING TOO!?!? AND YOU ENDED UP SCARRING MY FRIENDS AND HALF OF PONYVILLE FOR LIFE ON TOP OF THAT!!!!!"
  272. >holy fuck this little horse can fucking scream
  273. "yes I know what your probably thinking but I want you to know that yes even though i lied about the mirror pool it was for a good reason"
  274. >Twiggles calms down just enough to here anon out
  275. >after an hour of anon talking to twilight every thing has been cleared up and anon and twiggles have made a plan for his reintroduction to ponyville
  276. >they are going to say that magic fixed anon an resurrected him
  277. >everything went smoothly but the poners still have nightmares of that day especially ponka poe and blue fast both of who /k/ommando became quite fond of
  278.  
  279. >anons hair has been looking quite long during the horsedemic
  280. >decides he's gonna cut that shit himself
  281. >proceeds to do the front just fine by himself
  282. >ohshitineedtodothebacktoo.jpg
  283. >looks around the the treebrary to try and find a second mirror
  284. >filenotfound.png
  285. >mind you our majestic hero anon is completely naked except for a towel that barely wraps around his waist
  286. >decides fuck it imma ask purple dank
  287. "hey twiggles can you get the back of my hair?"
  288. >as soon as anon turns around the shitty fitting towel gives way and reveals his pale hairy ass to twilight
  289. >twiggles stands there stunned not knowing whether the gesture was l-lewd or an accidentally
  290. >anon attempts to grab the towel in time and fails miserably and ends up turning around like a whip and screeching
  291. "DON'T LOOK AT MEEEEEEEEEEE! REEEEEEEEEEE!!!"
  292. >anon runs back into the bathroom thoroughly mortified
  293. >Twiggles being so caught off guard cannot digest what had happened and ends up just going to the bathroom door and saying "a-anon I w-will be glad to help you cut your ma-HAIR"
  294. >anon still as red as a tomate lets her in and asks her
  295. "let's pretend that my towel falling didn't happen"
  296. >"ok anon I can do that, now where are the scissors?"
  297. >anon points her to the scissors
  298. >purple dank cuts his hair just fine and anons hair looks presentable again
  299. >the rest of the day is awkward with twiggles looking at his butt and blushing
  300. >anon just pretends he didn't see her doing that
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