Benjamin confession

You still love me? I had TERRIBLE nightmares the other night, and when my nightmares are believable, I can’t wake myself from them. I was so ugly and selfish and ranting on Monday. I have to make you understand why. When you told me what happened to you when you were younger, I filled with bile, hatred, venom, and sadness. I truly care for you and the thought poisoned me and I reverted back to young Ben. It was like a switch that flipped almost instantaneously, and involuntarily. I find it hard to believe that you didn’t notice the change in my behavior. Little 15 year old Ben. So full of hate and sadness, but never having had any actual struggle. Those things made him weak, scared, whiny, selfish, and delusional. He just wanted to hate EVERYTHING. His friends, himself, everything. He convinced himself that he wanted the world to burn. So I ranted, and raved, and practically ignored you to talk about myself, and I portrayed  a nasty version of my life that isn’t even accurate. I was so ugly and selfish, made exponentially worse by the fact that you are reliving your loss right now. I whined about bullshit while you are actually suffering. I hate myself for that. Fucking selfish asshole. When my mind came back to reality and I realized how poorly I had treated you, I was dreaming. Regardless, that’s not who I am anymore. That scared little boy is in me, but I very, very rarely abide those thoughts. That night though, I broke due to rage, and I did nothing to help you to my shame. I thought I may have tainted myself in your eyes. When I had finally made the realization of my failure, it was in my dreams, and in them, you didn’t want anything to do with me. I literally awoke crying. That’s pretty pathetic. Crying in my fucking sleep, over the potential loss of a woman I’ve never touched. But you’ve become very special to me. It feels silly to say such things, but every time I get to talk with you I have so much fun. I assume this can’t last forever because eventually you’ll get to go back to a conventional life, and real men will be fawning over you at the first opportunity. I have probably another year here and can’t simply walk away until the boat is finished, but even if I could, what then? So I try to get in as much time as I can before you can go back to your normal life. We started our adoration in a fantasy world but I’m having real feelings and the line between reality and fantasy is blurring for me, and it’s pretty confusing. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I can’t thank you enough for opening my heart again. Even if this were all just a game to you, I really don’t care. I would still have benefited from having played. I would still be a better person for it. I often lose hope and you’ve shown me that, that would be a grievous error. I’d forgotten what it is to care for a woman, and to feel cared for. I’m sorry to be so frank, but I feel like I have to say this. It’s important to me to A) Rectify my appalling, selfish behavior, and to B) let you know that you have touched me when I was in a pretty crappy time in my life. I’ve been writing this letter for… fuck, 4 hours. I adore you, and…I love you.