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- TONIGHT:
- Hammond pretends he's Tom Cruise,
- May forgets to switch his weapons,
- And I press a button.
- -
- "Hello, and welcome to a truly one-of-a-kind Top Gear Strangereal special-- an aerial adventure through the heart of the Usean continent."
- -
- "Now as we all know, the Usean continent has something of a history of having its wars solved by lone pilots and small squadrons-- and the producers have decided that if some of the world's greatest Aces had to first fly across it in an F-4 Phantom, then so should we."
- -
- "So we were told to each purchase a surplus multirole aircraft- without spending more than 200,000- and bring them to the start line near Los Canas, in South Central Usea.
- A region that's seen plenty of aircraft overhead from not one but TWO continental wars- and now we'll be seeing IT from overhead... while in the pilot seats."
- -
- I was the first to land... and made certain to come well-equipped for the job.
- "The Tornado IDS-- the celebrated Attack aircraft from Panavia. Rugged design, variable wing geometry, and a proud history of military action."
- "This one, I'm told, was actually USED in the first Usean continental war... you can see there's been some repairs- this, uh, conspicuous plate right here- But it made it back to base for repairs, so I can only assume that's proof enough that it's in working condition."
- -
- But before I could talk about my choice of special weapons, a vodka-drenched roar came from overhead.
- "Wait a minute... that's a Klimov turbofan."
- And indeed, it was. May had arrived.
- -
- "I've Chosen the MiG-29 Fulcrum; Long known and beloved for its pivotal position in the--"
- "James." "Yeah?" "That's a MiG-29." "Correct. Purchased flight-ready, from Yuktobanian surplus, WITH rocket pods."
- "--Well of COURSE it's surplus, James! You do know there's a reason why nobody this side of Emmeria actually USES rocket pods, right? So there you are, going nose-down towards the ground, towards the SAMs, in an aircraft famous for getting hit with missiles."
- -
- "Oh, look who's talking." "What?"
- James then started firing some shots of his own... at my Tornado.
- "That, the... what is that, the F3--" "GR4."
- "--So it's gone from having a big chunk of dense rock in place of its radar to having one strapped into its pilot seat, then?"
- -
- And as much as we enjoying our spirited discussion... we couldn't help but notice that Hammond had yet to arrive.
- "Okay, so, we know when Hammond shows up--"
- "Well, it's going to be SOMETHING from the OAF."
- "--Some big, bulky, all-thrust monstrosity."
- "F-4 Phantom II?" "Oh, God."
- -
- Suddenly, we heard another aircraft approach... and it took our breath away.
- "Oh my God, he seriously--!" "A TOMCAT?!"
- -
- "Gentlemen-- welcome to the Danger Zone: The F-14/A!"
- "You-- oh my god."
- "What--"
- "Hammond-- we're bringing Multiroles over Central Usea and you brought a... carrier-based air superiority fighter."
- "Ah! But they use it for bombing in the Osean Navy-- works just fine."
- "First, what they actually USE is an F-14B, not an F-14A; and what's that? Look, on the wing-- are those-- you brought XLAAs! What are you planning to do against ground targets?"
- -
- With the gauntlet thrown down, Hammond began taking aim at OUR planes.
- "Now THERE'S your plane for hitting the dirt. That's a Mig-29."
- "The Fulcrum. Reliable, easy to repair--"
- "--For starters, A FIGHTER--"
- "--MULTIROLE."
- "--in order for it to be a MULTIROLE, May, it would need to be able to perform at least one role adequately. And saying it's 'easy to repair' just means 'they already knew it was going to break down.'"
- "And what about-- that. There. Your Tornado?"
- "Yes." "Well, be sure to tell me if you see anything interesting from that close to the ground."
- -
- Thankfully, before Hammond could start singing Kenny Loggins, we were given a challenge.
- "Oh! Thank you. Right, let's see... 'You will now be flying #NULL miles Northeast to the site of the Second Usean Continental War's final battle: the Capital city of... Erusea. Farbanti.' "
- "Farbanti?"
- "Wait, there's more. 'You will receive points based NOT on the order of your arrival, but instead on your performance in the... missions, along the way.' "
- "Missions?...What, are we being drafted?" "Well the war hasn't actually STARTED yet, has it?" "Yeah, and I'd feel a mite guilty if WE were the ones to start it."
- And so, after a brief review of the conventions of the Lumen Peace Accords, we were on our way.
- -
- "As you would expect, dear viewers, I have done this properly. Does the MiG-29 have a poor combat record? Yes, BUT, The thing is, the raw numbers of the MiG-29 don't really give you the full picture. You've got to remember that most of those those were Yuke EXPORT versions.
- This one's the genuine article, and the fact is, once you're at the controls, what you've got is over one-hundred-and-sixty kilonewtons of thrust across two turbofan engines and an airframe that stands up to nine-G maneuvers.
- Let's see Clarkson's Tonka and Hammond's... TOY do that."
- -
- "I had one of these as a toy when I was a kid. It was one of those all-black ones they saw in the Circum-Pacific War-- The Ghosts of Razgriz!
- I admit, it IS a bit of a stretch to call this thing a multirole. Yes, it's... a fighter. Mostly. But I'll tell you what else it is: It's an ICON. You don't look at a Panavia Tornado or a MiG-29 and think 'Oh, no, THAT'S surely going to shoot me down'-- actually, no, you wouldn't think it with a Tomcat either; this thing's got XLAAs and can hit mach two without breaking a sweat. You'd never even see it coming. And if you DID, hopefully you'd be wearing a brown flightsuit.
- I'll be blowing bandits out of the sky before Clarkson's school bus has picked itself up above two thousand feet."
- -
- I, meanwhile, had found my Tornado was starting to give me a little bit of turbulence.
- "I've just realized something... there's a faint, shrill little whistling sound coming from somewhere near the back of my cockpit. I think it's coming from... oh, bollocks.
- Yup. There it is. There's a few bullet holes... four of them. Underneath the patch. It's a little loose, I think. I'll have to check the safety wires there... But I doubt it's going to matter. What's a little air to a Tornado?
- It's definitely more of an Attacker than it is a Fighter, sure, but that's its whole philosophy; It's a fine-tuned instrument. It's not about the showboating, or trying to do everything at once, no-- maybe it started off like that, sure, but not the GR4. They gave it a job, and it DOES it, and does it well. It's as simple as that."
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