Fuck or Die, Laws of Attraction & Banana Anon

Requests from 11/6/12

Void – Fuck a Pony or Die (spoilers, Anon dies)

>Oh fuck, you have stepped in it this time, Anon Y. Mous.
>A quick glance over the shoulder reveals
>Yes, they are still following you.
>And now they’re shooting flaming arrows.
>Great.
>Juuuust fucking great.
>The good news is, every enormous stride you make puts your pursuers a little further behind you.
>Chuckling to yourself, you thank evolution for the legs that will carry you to fre
“Wh- whoa!”
>The world inverts itself as you hang by one of your formerly wonderous long legs.
>Sighing, you hear the little bastards approaching.
>So much for survival of the fittest.
>It doesn’t take long for the zebras to catch up with you.
>Wild eyed, they’ve clearly gone out of their minds.
>They’d have to be to ask you to do… that.
>As they stomp their hooves against the ground, the elder approaches you, distrust in his eyes.
>“You.”
>His voice is strained, cracking as he coughs out the words.
>“You deny her, really, such a fine and beautiful filly?”
“Look, Chief, I appreciate your hospitality, but I’m not fucking your daughter.”
>“Back in camp, you make her cry.  For her sake, I ask why?”
“I’m not a damn pony fucker, that’s good enough reason!”
>Shaking his head, the elder sighs and moves closer to you.
>“Because you would not try, you have doomed yourself to die.”
>Spitting in your face, he murmurs some strange words, dragging the spittle around with his hoof.
>A good deal gets in your nose.
>Zebra spit tastes fucking awful.
>Sputtering, you try to interrupt, but he pays you no mind, shoving his hoof in your mouth and ending the chant with a cry.
>The sound is echoed by the other zebras, and then, silence.

>Giving you a smile, the chief pats you on the cheek.
>“If in seven days a pony is not in your bed, surely then, you will be dead.”
“D-did you just fucking curse me?”
>The zebra nods and chuckles a little.
>“A curse is placed on you indeed, unless you go and do the deed.”
“But I don’t WANT to fuck a pony!”
>“Find a willing partner a week from tonight, or it is the dust that you shall bite.”
>With that, the rope is severed, and the zebras go back to lurking in the woods.
>This was seriously a waste of a business venture.
>They walk off with all your goods, and your pride.
>Meanwhile, the only thing you got out of it was bruises, scrapes
>Oh yeah, and a fucking curse.
>Fuck Zebraland.
>
>Coincidentally, the trip home took six days.
>Not that you were concerned about the curse.
>Curses weren’t real after all.
>Just like Princess Luna was never banished to the moon.
>The whole thing was staged in a back lot of Ponywood.
>But, just to be safe, maybe it would be good to get laid by the end of the day.
>First things first, you had to discuss your failed expedition with your financer.
>“Honestly, Anonymous, I cannot understand why you simply didn’t put those savages in their place.”
>Fancy Pants regards you coolly from behind his monocle.
>“Allowing them to rough you up in such a manner, and steal your product?  I must say, I feel that I’ve lost faith in your abilities as a sales pony.”
“I understand your concern, Fancy Pants, but if you give me another opportunity, I’m quite sure I can sell them all that they need.”
>“And if they attempt to hoist one of their ilk on you as a wife?”

>Suppressing a groan, you shoot Fancy a winning smile.
“Graciously accept.”
>“Good lad.  Now, if you’ll excuse me, I must inspect the Manehatten stock ticker.”
>Bidding your employer farewell, you set off to find the hottest piece of mare ass in the world.
>If you’re going to become a horsefucker, you may as well do it with the hottest horse ever.
>The good news is, she’s like thirty feet away.
>
>Sliding up to Fleur de Lis, you turn on the old Anon charm.
“Heeeeeeeeeey.”
>She raises an eyebrow, clearly unimpressed.
>Time to pull out the big guns.
http://youtu.be/Q2KiaI61NKk
>After several moments of working your hips back and forth, you give her a predatory smile.
“I’m just a bachelor, and I’m looking for a partner.
“Someone who knows how to ride without even falling off.”
>Performing the ancient ritual of bended knees and thrusting pelvis, you add in a flick of your extended hand in her direction.
“Gotta be compatible.  Take me to my limits.
“Girl, when I break you off, I promise that you won’t want to get off.
“If you’re horny, let’s do it.  Ride it, my pony.
“My saddle’s, waitin’, come and, jump on it.”
>You do it all.
>The whole song and dance.
>No mare in her right mind would turn you down.
>Fleur is no exception.
>
>Five minutes later you’re stripped down to you’re skivvies, watching as she goes through an elaborate mating dance of her own.
>Yeah, you’re pretty fucking boss Anonymous.
>Mares love monkey dick.
>At once, you feel a tightness in your chest.
>Glancing out the window, you assure yourself you have at least another eight hours before your deadline is up.
>The pain in your chest doesn’t relent however.

“No…”
>Attempting to grab your heart fails.
>Fleur is looking at you like you’re out of your mind.
“I, I’m supposed to have, more time.”
>The world spins as you attempt to right yourself.
>Labored breaths escape your mouth.
>As you stumble towards the door, you realize.
>Fucking.
>Time.
>Zones.
>You collapse in a heap on Fancy Pants’ rug and proceed to ruin it with defecation.
>Fleur screams.
>
>You’re buried without much fanfare.
>Fancy Pants springs for a nice coffin and tombstone at least.
>Not that you’re around to appreciate these kinds of things.
>Your headstone reads:
>“Here lies Anonymous,
>“He should have just accepted
>“That every story ends in sex.
>“Buy Fancy Pants brand products.”
>
>Mother fucker.



Anon – Anonymous gets pulled into a Princess Pony Three-Way

>Day Escape Velocity in Equestria
>A guest at Canterlot Castle.
>Anonymous, you have arrived at the big time!
>Strolling through the elaborate halls, a strange sound catches your attention.
http://youtu.be/EZeED-NXNa0
>Familiar, but, there’s no way that funk could exist in this land.
>Not yet at least.
>Still, your curiosity gets the better of you.
>Slinking against the wall, you approach the source of the sound.
>As you crouch against the door, you hear the muffled giggles of a female.
>“Sister, I must insist that you cease that licking at oNNNNN!”
>The giggling picks up again as the moan trails off.
>Curious, you take a peek inside.
>Three Alicorn Princesses
>All thoroughly naked
>Even their crowns discarded
>Playing with one another.
>More precisely, Cadence is holding down Luna while Celestia tongues her.
>Not wanting to have any part of this, you close the door and move to slip away.
>Only, you can’t seem to move from the spot.
>Oh, you can still pick up your feet.
>But you’re apparently incapable of moving forward.
>At once, you feel a strange force pulling you back towards the door.
“No.  No no no.  NO!”
>Crashing through the door, you continue to wail as the force drags you closer to Celestia
>She seems as surprised as you are.
>Especially when you zip by her and start moving around the trio in an oblong circle.
>“Sister, why is your ape guest circling us so?”
>The sun princess, regaining her composure, laughs your presence off.
>“Never mind him, Luna, he’s only doing what comes naturally around such heavenly bodies.  Now, let’s get back to it.”
>Without a second thought, they get back to the business of getting busy.
>Today was a groaning ending kind of day.


Nolo – Anonanna versus Celestia

>You are Anonymous.
>Prince of Plantains
>And while you may be a little green
>Your people are proud and noble souls.
>Slamming your stem on the table, you stare across at Princess Celestia of Equestria.
“Princess, I must request that your ponies be removed from the Coconut Valley at once.  That land historically has belonged to the Plantains, you are invading our homes.”
>The Princess nods and motions to you with her hoof.
>“Very well, Prince Anonymous.  State your case.”
“With pleasure, your highness.  Coconut Valley has been a fertile ground for the people of Plantain for thousands of years.  Every year, hundreds of thousands of Plantains migrate to the scenic vistas of the valley to pollinate.”
>Another stern glare across the table.
“Your ponies are upsetting the fragile ecosystem with their control of the weather, their bucking, and their clearing of forests for homes and business.  If they are not removed, then we will consider war as the only viable alternative.”
>Another long, slow nod from Celestia.
>Taking a deep breath, you steady yourself and try to meet the Princess’ eyes.
“Well, don’t you have anything to say?”
>Standing to her full height, the Princess clears her throat.
>“Well, Prince Anonymous, your argument has…”
>She pauses, muzzle curling up in a wicked smile as she caresses the next words with her lips.
>“a peel”
>Showing her teeth in a wide smile, you can see Celestia’s whole body begin to shake as her voice stumbles with laughter.
>“I just, hehe, I just don’t think it’s pos-haha-possible, to do anything.”
>Giving an unladylike snort, Celestia devolves into a fit of laughter, sitting back on her haunches and shaking her head.

>Word play.
>Clever.
>Like you haven’t heard THAT a thousand times before.
>Maintaining your composure, you clear your throat and try to get back in control of the situation.
>It fails miserably, Celestia is still on her hind parts, cackling like a mad mare.
>Floating over to her, you tap her on the shoulder with your stem.
“Excuse me, Princess, you’re being quite rude.”
>That seems to silence her.
>She looks up at you, and gives a benevolent smile.
“I’m… I’m sorry.  I’m going to have to ask you to”
>Another fit of giggles bursts forth.
“S-slip on out of here…”
>Her breathing accelerates as she snorts again.
“I, I think I’m going… BANANAS!”
>Howling, she rocks onto her back, kicking her hooves in the air as she hoots at the ceiling.
>Your scowl deepens as you glare down at her.
>Yes, you are a fruit.
>And yes, you do bruise easily, despite your thick skin.
>But you will not be treated so poorly by this, this, scoundrel masquerading as a noble!
“By my mother’s branches, I will not stand for this mockery any longer!  I must defend the honor of my people!  Stand, Princess Celestia, stand and fight!”
>Sniffling, Celestia struggles to her feet and begins chuckling again.
>“Oh, so you do have a spine.  I would have thought you were too… yellow.”
>With a battle cry that would belie your size, you throw yourself at the much larger pony Princess, stem flailing.
“Atta!  Atta!  Take that you filthy horse!”
>So much burning hatred inside of you.
>With a snarl, you put your entire being into beating the Princess of the Sun.

>Despite your protective armor, your body bruises.
>Large dark welts appear across your skin, causing you to grunt and groan with each movement.
>And still, Celestia stands, thoroughly confused by your amazing potassium powered punches.
>Wheezing, you collapse on the marble floor, glaring up at her.
“I, should have known that I wouldn’t be able to beat you.  Not stem to hoof at least.”
>“Prince Anonymous, I”
“NO!”
>You croak, lifting yourself up off the ground.
“No, I, I have failed.  My body is broken.  But make no mistake, the Plantains will not suffer the indignity of your foul humor!”
>“Anonymous, please!”
>Her shout silences you.
>The stern glare returning, Celestia stalks up to you.
>“I have heard your argument, seen your courage and they have moved me.  Come with me that I might give you a place to rest and recover before I send you home.”
>Exhaustion overtakes you as you smile.
>At last, you have reached her.
>Your father said you were an idiot, but you showed him!
>Floating along behind her, you allow yourself a moment of relief.
>“Here, let me help you out of that.”
>At once, your protective layer is peeled away, allowing your numerous bruises to be seen in the light of day.
>It’s a rather disturbing sight.
>The Princess is right, you should take a day or so to rest and recover.
>Sleep sounds, so good right now.

>
>Smacking her tongue against the inside of her mouth, Luna sighs, staggering out of her room.
>While stumbling towards the kitchen, she bumps into Celestia, sparing the alicorn a confused, but happy, smile.
>“Ah, Sister, what a surprise.  We had thought you would be busy with visiting dignitaries for the duration of the day.”
>Celestia, smiling in her benevolence, giggles a little.
>“Well, I was, but I’m afraid they had to… slip out.”
>“Most unfortunate, we were looking forward to seeing the Prince of Plantain.”
>“When he heard that I wasn’t going to budge, he went on his way without too much fuss.”
>Luna nods a little and glances over towards the kitchen.
>“Sister, are you preparing something?”
>Flashing a devious smile, Celestia chuckles.
>“A banana split.”