Moving on

I was feeling some things, and didn't want to leave you all in the dark who still enjoy my content. I have been doing a lot of reflecting recently, and I can say that I am happy with how things ended up. I assume nobody will care to listen, but I wanted to let everyone know where I'm at in terms of whether or not I ever plan to do something on this channel in the future. I also wanted to give those of you who do youtube yourselves something you can possibly learn from. So, here's where I'm at:

Right now, I'm feeling a few different things...

Specifically, I miss waking up every day excited to work, I miss waking up excited to check the comments of my most recent video, I miss sharing the joys of this with the people I love, and, last but not least, I miss having a place to come to that I felt like I could share something special with people.

In terms of this channel, part of me still wants to believe there is something here left to harvest. However, I know deep down in my heart and soul there is nothing left but a barren wasteland of what once was a beautiful and luscious field, transformed into something much more grim and disturbing. For the outsiders (you reading this), this is a facade they cannot perceive. I'm the only one aware of the facade's existence. Be it my own doing, I did play a large part in screwing myself over.

It is for this reason I have chosen to move on, and in doing so, abandoning the very thing that once gave me everything I could have ever dreamed of. Since I was a kid, growing up watching Youtube every day. I saw people seemingly happy, uploading videos for others to enjoy, entertaining people, and getting to share something special with people that would help play a part in defining who they are as people throughout life. I thought this was such a beautiful thing, and began to desire creating that for people.

I always thought it was unlikely that I would ever amass any sort of following because I'm not an easy person to get along with, but I realized if I don't try, I'll never even have a chance. After I gave it a shot, and had a lot of fun doing so, I decided I would commit to making as much content as I possibly could. With each new video I tried my absolute best to improve on what I had made previously. I am a perfectionist, especially when it comes to something I plan to share with others. I spent countless hours out of my day, practically every waking moment from when I woke up, to when I went to sleep, working on videos from this point forward. Making them funnier than the last. I was inspired heavily around this time by Stimpee, and I believe my early GMod videos reflect that. I hit 1000 subscribers within my first few months, then 5000 after a few more, and by June of 2024 I had over 15,000 subscribers. I was growing so quickly it started to scare me. I didn't know what to do with this much attention on me, I've never had THIS much attention by any means. I thought it was impossible, and I never expected it to be me, that is graced with the chance of doing what I love and making it my job. When it happened, I got overwhelmed.

If you're one of the people that has seen my content, and enjoyed yourself throughout the experience. I want to thank you. For making this journey here on my channel, for the short time it was, special. I appreciate every single person that has ever spent their time viewing my content. I'm not special, I'm not perfect, and I've made a lot of mistakes doing pretty much anything I have committed time to improving at, just like anyone else. I now know anything in life is possible. As long as time is dedicated to something, it can be achieved.

Back when I was making GMod videos, I genuinely loved every moment of the process. I loved recording, editing, re-editing, watching, polishing, and finally uploading every single video I made. Then, I began to make videos on another game. The first of which were fun, interesting, and gave me the same level of joy I had making my GMod videos. This eventually changed for a multitude of reasons. Then, it got worse, and worse. Ultimately, due to all of these events piling up, I lost the drive I once had for content creation. A dream I've had since I was a young lad, achieved, and lost within the soulless husk left behind after all was said and done.

Lies ruin people's lives. That being said, my life isn't ruined, but it very well could have been. I wish I could go back to May of 2024. With what I know now, my life would be entirely different. I've learned so many things, had some really good times, but nothing makes me feel like I did then. Once the ball starts rolling downhill, it's very difficult for it to come to a stop by itself. It needs help, and when nobody is there to help, it's impossible for that ball to stop. The way I handled everything that has happened to me, was terrible, and ultimately it lead to the self destruction of this youtube channel I built over the past year and a half.

Nobody knows me, and everybody thinks they do. This has lead to a public perception of who I am and what I do that does not exist. The frustrating part about everything, is that I really just want to do what I love. Yet, every day I'm sat here doing things I don't want to do, rather than focusing on my channel, because I feel as though I'm being prevented from doing what I love by a force that cannot be moved, cannot be eliminated, and ultimately exists under the perception I mentioned earlier regarding my public image and my youtube channel. I have lost my drive, my passion, and my will to continue doing what I love. I have not fallen out of love with my passion, my drive, and my will. I am prevented from embracing it.

This is the part where I take a step away from what I love, and choose not to embrace it. Perhaps its not the right time, or perhaps it's truly gone forever and there's no way any amount of time could heal the wounds incurred along the journey. I won't know until a year or two from now, but I hope that one day I can feel all of those things I miss once more. I hope every single one of you that has a dream, one day achieves it and can feel that feeling. It's truly something special.