Actually i kinda feel the same, im just like at an earlier stage.
Childhood Trauma kicked in while work being absolutely stressfull, people always expect such unrealistic things from me i just cant deliver. I mean maybe its cus of my ADHD somehow that people just never get me, it just feels so heavy, that I try to let people understand how i feel and how things are for me(because usually i tend to  see things just completely different than other people, and its fucking frustrating when no one believes you, like everyone is like yeah ure just undiciplined, like I just dont want to do those things or every mistake (in their conception) I make is on Purpose)

My biggest problem is that i fucking hate self pity, and like talking about it is even harder.. Somehow it just disgusts me, like normally im somewhat a positive person but if something does not goes as i planned it to (or expected it from myself, *high expectations*) i fking feel like falling down twice as much with my face rubbing the floor forth and back (i dont even know whats that supposed to mean).

Im kinda sorry for just replying with my story, but maybe ull feel the connection, I just felt like it i dont know honestly, i mean actually i just want to appretiate ur Post, cus its so fking big and no one actually replied till now(and I dont have like advice or anything to share that might help you, so ill just try to idk give u some attention or whatever im talking about, i think the structure in this post is the worst ever) i mean quanitity is not quality maybe but i just appreciated the post in general I think.

Now i kinda lost the point what i was even talking about, writing all of that may not be that usefull tho, but as im writing im also thinking like why the fuck am i doubting any shit im doing. Like having no trust in urself kinda sucks right ? I mean i cant even tell if I can make it to Dinner on Saturday with my Girlfriend even tho i told her ill fking organize that shit(i gotta stop say fking im sorry) like deciding which restaurant and stuff.. but it just happens like 8/10 times that im like "yeah i wann go" or "yeah lets meet tomorrow" and then when the day comes im like .. dafuq u mean i wont go anywhere.. -> just sit here and keep playing video games, worst part of it - if im perfoming poorly i get pissed at myself really hard, but i still just grind that shit mindlessly till i fking feel nothing, i dont know if I mentioned that i "quit" work. Someone will probably DDos me for that unstructured - unformatted piece of shit post but hey self doubt HOW THE FUCK ARE U DOING GO AWAY.

Right now im like still getting money, easy life cus i also saved some money in the bank.. but i just dont have any desire, i mean actually what is this society about, feels like

adults : ur work contract says work 8 hours a day -> if u wanna achieve anything in life u gotta work 12
im like: isnt society in that "shitty condition" cus everyone is like "i only care about the money i earn, later on
               imma fking drive 3 lamborghinis, have 20 kids and a villa"

disclaimer: I didnt meant that entirely serious.. but sometimes its very easy to make everything feel unworthy especially urself no? like if u dont have anything to achieve what the fuck are u doing here, what am i doing here ? i just dont have any energy left for going like outside and pretending (like i did my whole life long) that everything is just fking fine and i just have to keep thinking positive. like: Find ur true Purpose ! why do i even have to fking find it, while trying to be something i actually am not ?

i cant imagine how long it will take till i find like someone who employs me and is like
" reliablility? we fucking pay u for chilling ur balls m8, just come and leave whenever u want"
cus this aint ever happening right ? like what the fuck am i even thinking. My brain tells me like "dude its not all it's not all sunshine and roses", but i just wanna write that whiny shit down, i hope im not offending someone im someway i just dont know what im doing. But i still feel better, even if this posts gets deleted cus i suddenly stopped writing like a normal person but i just cant keep track of all the :

 "i's" which should actually be "I's" and "U's" or  "u's" for you and.. ok this is pointless, if some read till down here, you can atleast be sure of that ADHD is nothing of your concern, because im sure i lost all my bois on the way.

theres only one thing left I actually really want to talk about:
The childhoodtrauma, was sexual abuse by the way, not phsyically but mentally, and i just define myself somehow by that.. i know i shouldnt and shit but i just didnt remembered all of it, like its just the way i deal with problems, i just fking distract myself and dont waste time on them, but ive never thought that i actually could be so hurt by something that i entirely forget it.

I actually am in states where i feel like i dont have any emotion at all, i dont wanna digress too much, but we had a cat, for damn(yeah u right not fking) 18 years, and i loved that fat eating machine god.. but i actually didnt like cry one tear, i just didnt deal with it, my mother was like crying crazy for atleast 1 week and i just seemed like i did not care, and i cant actually tell u if i did.

The twist is, i know for sure that as a kid, i felt emotions (atleast thats the perception im having right now) atleast twice as much as "normal" (who the fuck is normal these days can actually someone tell me ? there are like one billion disorders, we all sick arent we ? so why are we still expecting... sorry, i need to stay with my subject AH.) Like children are innocent most of the times anyways, so dont wanna glorify myself but idk... If i just go back to the days I was like 4-6 years old god.. I was like the truest true boi in the hood, like i couldnt fake shit i always said what i thought, to everyone and anyone, and i did never felt bad about it, not one inch (ofc maybe every child does that, but i never intended to change, but maybe thats just how it is for everyone)...

When im now looking at me in my mind, i could like fking start crying cus i feel so sorry for that little boy, like all that shit that happend, im not mad at any of these people, i cant even get mad at anyone idk why, i remember when i got treated unfairly, like really unfair i was like "fuck this shit im not going to talk to my mother the next week" and after 30 mins i fking forgot what all of this was even about, i just had no time to be angry at anyone, and i still have but why do i feel like shit now ?

I just dont wanna make excuses, because thats what it always seems like to other people.. and now i dont even know what the heck my brain thinks, like am i really making excuses cus im just a lazy fuck ? actually i always was so motivated and happy but its fucking frustating as .... if people just tell u that u are not, like why the fuck does someone else tell me how things are for ME ? and thats the worst, the second u start saying "well its for me that way" the opposite site has no arguments left. And thats what kinda leads to an addictionf or me, where i can always justify ANYTHING (skipping work, just bad decisions in general which i might have even known that they are bad).

The thing about the Trauma is, i mean i know i got emotionally abused, and i also know that this kinda got up some second character in me, like the bad version of myself.. The Version thats like "manipulating people is cool, thats how u show real  superiority" like fuck no bad Version what the heck is wrong with u just cut it, and please let me be happy somehow ??????

I was "most" of my childhood like alone, in the Internet, my first relationship was with some  pedophile dude.. i mean i was 11, i wanted a voicemail where he/she should say that she loves me (wanted to hear the girly voice just to be sure before we meet on  playground, and when my mouther found out cus i left the PC on holy shit, that were some feelings, idk but i blamed it on myself god that feeling was really nasty i thought i died in terms of stomach pain lol :D shame is a really shitty feeling.. but yeah thats another story i guess...

Acutally. Am i doing something illegal here ? this Post is getting out of hand, but ill post it anyways, im sorry already for not reading the Rules, cus heck I know already that my focus wont maintain long enough to read them entirely and what scares me even more is that i have to read my own post AFTER reading the Rules and correct and... Thank you for the attention well.. see ya

Now i feel selfish cus this kinda just got into "i want to represent myself" post, but actually i just wanted to deliver u atleast some story how im feeling right now just as i  mentioned at the beginning, like there might be a chance this helps u somehow, even if like reading this post thorugh is so disturbing and disgusting i mean distracting that your thoughts are like gone for sometime, fuck derek.

Okay thats really it see ya guys.