hi you,

I was thinking on posting this on reddit but at this point I don't think i can pick correctly a forum for it, and i'm too much of a coward to try so here we are in pastebin.

I wasn't always this way, I'm part of the cyber security community, I was well liked, somehow known at even at one point i might even spoken and found things then I moved into a what looked a good place, with new oportunities they said and ability to learn more hardware.

Everything starts slowly as usual, I never considered myself dumb and honestly I felt I could be on the level of my peers...

Soon things changed, research time was denied my manager changed and I was moved into the another team who's manager is good but the director does the most terrible interrogations I've ever have been on, he at one point required informatino from an API, without any information and access i requested access managed to figure out by sniffing the json interface and start working on the information gathering he requested, after 2 days I told him the information would take a bit of time, he in front of everyone said "What do you mean?" opened up a browser and logged into the UI and typed one name (i had to retrieve over 500,000) and said "this is simple you can't do this?" I tried to explain it was a lot of hosts, so he got his clock out and timed himself ,48 seconds (i will never forget, I'm not only dumb but slow) so I left the office. That day started to cry myself to sleep again.

I project came with a third party application, i was told I should find vulnerabilities on it quickly enough I had a local escalation, I went into my director's office looking for some kudos and encouragement (foolish me!) and he destroyed my demo, called only local and said if I had more stuff said I had just found that and told me it worked and that I should go find something really bad. This specific software was sold to us as a hacking stopping software, I'm sure being able to use it for injection might be bad, but at this point I was not sure, i kept on checking.

My nerves got the best of me, a family member was diagnosed with cancer, I can't lose my job so I work harder i find remote executions in our external web server, they get silently patched, in the same week a coworker finishes his CISSP, he gets a company wide email. I'm digging my nails while in my sleep, I make sure I use my mouthpiece because if not I'll get the copper taste of blood in the morning.

I finish the report, and handle it by doing that I request to please have 3 days off, this after "hall meetings" with my director while me in another group him saying stuff such as "this software is amazing <NAME> has not found anything at all right?" I would just nod and shiver, I still have 2 remotes and 4 locals I'm afraid to report. During my absense my coworker got pushed into a meeting with the client to discuss my findings, my manager had made a point to separate us and never make us a team, so I was working solo for a year at this point, my teammate had no idea of it. H defended my findings as much as possible while being called a liar by the client with our director smiling and the entire team just having a good time. When he told me about this I felt even worse, now I cannot take days off, because other people might get bullied.

My position is completely undermined, and with all this talks I cannot longer trust myself, I found myself looking for jobs in management and finding myself unable to apply for any, as i don't qualify. I looked for security jobs and I found myself staring at the screen also unable to qualify in my mind, unable to click send. I shed a tear and opened my email and tried to write an email to my friends, but I'm too ashamed, I've been out for so long because of stress I'm sure they barely remember me, and besides, am I able to do the job? I don't know I no longer have training and I no longer research, anything that looks different has a scary tone and I find myself googling everything to make sure I'm correct.

My family member was diagnosed with second cancer ...

Today asking about a project I was asked to participate and then felt upon my lap how that be closed and how that could benefit my going up a bit I got an email from my manager stating something such as "Oh I have stated it many times before, maybe you didn't understand my English :) let me rephrase that for you" at that point I couldn't take it anymore I stood up slowly in the middle of the office and asked my coworker in front if I knew English while breaking up, and started crying .. I left job and tomorrow I have a meeting with my manager about my career and how to advance it, which I'm sure it'll turn on how I shouldn't have shown my feelings and how wrong I am.

I write this because maybe just MAYBE someone will read it and will be in the same position or starting on it, please DON'T .. RUN! move away .. and in turn I promise to stay here, and defend this network as humanly posible as much as i can, that I can do for you. Now you go, you be safe and find stuff... I've been beaten you be free

//Nobody but a cyber security person