Shorites - 6/21/15-6/27/15

-ADD Anon-

>Be Anon inna'questria
>It's another beautiful day
>Wind is blowing
>Grass is growing
>Birds are singing
>Ponies playing
>Everything is right with th-
"Oh look, a penny!"
>You scoop the coin up.
>Lincoln grins up at you.
"Must of dropped this yesterday."
>Pocketing the coin, you make your way into town.
>Yes, everything is perfect in Ponyville
>From the Mayor's Office to the slightly unexpected mail delivery system, everything is gr-
"Excuse me."
>You approach one of the street vendors.
"Do you really have THE BEST DOUGHNUTS IN TOWN like your sign says?"
>Five bits and two doughnuts later, you have to agree, Doughnut Joe's doughnuts are pretty great.
>You say goodbye to DJ and continue on.
>Having already amped yourself up on sugar, you decide to give Sugar Cube Corner a pass today and go on to Twilight's.
>She's always so helpful.
>Rapping on the door to the library, you wait patiently for the unicorn.
>Unfortunately, it's just Spike.
>"Hey Anon."
"Sup dildo."
>"What?"
"I mean, drag...bro..."
>Spike's brow furrows in confusion as he steps aside and lets you into the hollow tree.
>"Uh, are you looking for something?"
"Twilight said she had a book to recommend for me, something on bird watching? She thinks it'll be good for my concentration to-"
>You pause, glancing to the side.
"...know what, never mind that. I know what I want."
>The little lizard is kind enough to get you set with your book and you're headed back home, the latest Daring Do in tow.
"Dash can't spoil what she can't read."
>As you're approaching the house, you spot a glint of something on the road.
>Kneeling down, you pick up a penny and smile at Abe.
"Huh, must have dropped this too."
>Pocketing the coin, you head inside.
>Later that night, you find a hole in your pocket and resolve to have Rarity fix it for you tomorrow.
>Just like last night.
>Such is life in Equestria.


-Pony Kart-
>The torque wrench bounces against the ground with a delightful metallic clatter as you fall back on your butt.
>After many weeks, it's finally finished.
>Well, it should be anyway.
>Moving around to the backside of your creation, you pull on the cord.
>The motor thrums to life with a tinny whine, and the frame begins to quiver as the sound grows louder.
"Yes."
>You reach in and press the accelerator, earning an enthusiastic hum.
"Yes!"
>Hopping into the seat, you strap yourself in and let out the clutch.
>As you roll forward, you press down on the accelerator again and roar
"YES!"
>while speeding off out of your garage.
>God you've missed this
>The wind in your hair
>World speeding by
>Bugs in your teeth
>This is heaven
>Ponies gawk and yelp, jumping out of the way as you speed through town at an unimaginable fifteen miles an hour.
>Such power could go to the head of a lesser man
>But you are a benevolent Go-Karter and would never use your powers for evil.
>That is, until you see Rainbow Dash playing with her pet turtle, Tank.
>At once, a strange sensation overtakes you.
>A fire lights itself inside your belly and threatens to burn you from the inside out.
>Flooring the kart, you max out at an incredible twenty miles an hour and zip by the usually quick pegasus.
>"What the hay?"
>Her squawk brings a smile to your face, but not nearly as wide as when you hold your hand up to show her your prize.
>"Wh, wait! Tank! Give Tank back!"
>Cackling, you shake the turtle back and forth, taunting Rainbow as you tear around a corner.
>Of course, it takes all of ten seconds for her to catch up with you.
>Gosh she's fast.
>And the flames in her eyes are rather intimidating.
>Rainbow blocks your way, puffing herself up in an attempt to make herself huge and entirely uncute.
>She fails on both counts.
>Still, you can't have her standing in your way.
>So, you do what any experienced Karter would do.
>You launch the weapon in your item box straight at her.

>Later that day you walk up to Rainbow and sheepishly smile.
"Hey. Uh..."
>She glares at you from behind a black veil.
"...Sorry about your turtle."
>"Get fucked, Anon."
>Today was an 'Anon is banned from Go-Karting and Pet Owning' kind of day.


-Chimera Pet-
>"An' then, Applejack saved me from the monster by buckin it with her fireproof boots!"
>Your jaw remains slack as Applebloom regales you with the story of how she put herself in imminent danger and brushes it off like it's no big deal.
>Only, it is a big deal.
>As big as Applejack's ass.
>Wait...
>Shaking your head, you grab the filly on either side of her muzzle and lift her out of her seat.
"The monster."
>"Wuh?"
"Tell me where the monster is."
>Applebloom proves herself to be very articulate despite having her cheeks compressed, and you set out to strike down the 'chimera' in the fire swamp in short order.
>After a rather uneventful trip, you arrive, and nearly get your eyebrows singed off in the process.
>It doesn't take long to find your prey however.
>A giant hulking mass of muscle in a wasteland is pretty easy to spot.
>It's even worse than Applebloom said, with three heads and a taste for human flesh.
>Probably.
>Regardless, it catches sight of you and lunges before you can react.
>Massive paws land on either side of your head as all three faces lean in, yowling, hissing, and bleating as though their lives depended on it.
>Fuck that noise.
>Clenching your fist, you deliver a liver (or is it kidney? spleen?) blow to the impending faces of death.
>Watching them contort brings a small smile to your lips as you push it off of you and move a short distance away.
>Shaking off the hit with surprising speed, the beast snarls and glowers at you, lowering itself into a pouncing position.
>But you won't be caught off guard again.
>It lunges and as it approaches, you ready your hands.
>With a flick of your wrists, you smack the goat head and tiger head on their outside ears.
>It yowls... bleats... yeats? and drops to the ground, writhing in pain.
>Perfect.
>Being cautious of the horns, you drop yourself onto the creature's back, grabbing each head in a single arm headlock, and grasping the snake head between your feet.

>The chimera makes its usual cacophony of sounds, rolling about in an attempt to throw you off, but the Lucha spirit fills your body and lets you hang on through immense adversity.
>As the monster tumbles back to the ground, you lean up and whisper in its tiger ear.
"That's for Applebloom."
>"A-Apple who?"
>That voice...
>Wait.
>Hold up.
>The chimera's a girl?
>Immediately you release your death grip and roll off the beast.
>The exhausted creature looks up at you with half-glazed eyes.
"The pony you attacked earlier! Applebloom!"
>With a whine, the chimera covers her heads with her paws, leaving only the snake exposed.
>She glances around sheepishly before hissing
>"Perhapsss we did, but we have trouble remembering different poniesss. Pleassse, no more..."
>The body rolls over in response, white belly pointing skyward.
>Ah jeez.
>That's the problem with this poniverse.
>Every bad guy seems to be a girl.
>And not entirely bad.
>Rubbing at the back of your head, you sigh.
"Well, just stop eating ponies, okay?"
>The three heads nod at once.
>Satisfied, you turn and walk away.
>Or, try to.
>The scuffing of paws against the ground gives you pause.
>Glancing back, you see the three-headed creature following you.
>Uh oh...
"Uh... shoo..."
>You give a small hand wave and take a step forward.
>So does the chimera.
"Shoo, shoo. Go home."
>More steps.
>The creature follows, further lessening the distance.
"...You gotta be kidding me."
>
>Applejack is none too happy about your new pet.
>Frankly, neither are you.
>The whole 'it followed me home' excuse is wearing kind of thin.
>But Kim seems to be getting along with Harry Hydra and Bugsy the Changeling.
>Who knows, this might work out.
>As long as the Mayor agrees to give you a bigger back lot to keep them in.
>Maybe you should take Kim on a walk around town tomorrow morning...


-How To Win A Fight Without Throwing A Punch-

>You may have gotten in over your head this time.
>Standing across from you is a mountain of equine muscle named Bulk Biceps
>And from the way he's slamming his front hooves together and screaming 'YEAH', boy is he pissed.
>The ponies have crowded around the two of you, gawking in both shock and anticipation.
>You wonder how many of them have actually seen a fight before.
>Probably not many.
>Bulk, however, steps forward and growls
>"I'm gonna break you in half and feed your insides to an Ursa Major!"
>It's not an especially intimidating threat, since you have no idea what an Ursa Major is, but the beady eyes and spittle flying from his mouth is enough to convince you that he's serious about the first part.
>Not one to be outdone, you fire right back with your own brand of witty banter.
"Uh, I'll, hit you so hard you'll... wish I hadn't."
>Nice.
>The crowd's chuckling, that means they're on your side!
>Wait...
>"When I'm through with you, you're gonna be so well ground you'll have to change your name from Anonymous to Chuck!"
"Hey now... Charlie's a perfectly acceptable name."
>More laughter.
>Sweat begins to bead on your forehead as Bulk leans in, snout to nose with you by this point.
>"You're mincemeat!"
>This isn't going well at all.
>Time to pull out your secret weapon.
"O-oh yeah?"
>"Yeah!"
"Oh yeah!?"
>"YEAH!"
"Well, I-I'll suck your dick!"
>"YEEEA-"
>Bulk chokes on his battle cry.
>As does just about everyone else in earshot.
>Including yourself.
>You meant to say something clever, but 'suck your dick' came out instead.
>Curse your quick wit!
>But now that you've said it and caught him off guard, you have to run with it.
"Y-yeah, you heard me. I'll suck your dick."
>Bulk's beady eyes lock onto yours and you force a smile.
"I'm a blowjob master, I'll have you know; I've blown more heads of state than any other human alive."
>A quiet murmur rumbles through the crowd.

"I-I can have you twitching and moaning on the ground in over two hundred ways, and that's just with my mouth and tongue."
>Bulk doesn't blink, but it's clear he's sweating
>You've successfully gotten into his head
>NICE!
>Pushing the advantage, you jab a finger into his snout.
"My mouth seal is so tight I can vacuum pack a Ming Dynasty vase for transport anywhere in the world."
>At last he blinks, brow furrowing.
>Shit, you're losing him!
>Leaning forward, you do a stage whisper in his ear.
"And I will worship every inch of your dick until you've blown yourself dry."
>There's an audible thump as something hits the ground.
>It's followed by another as Bulk teeters backwards and then hits the ground.
>Unmoving.
>Save for that weird looking middle leg you somehow never noticed, twitching.
>Kicking him a couple times with your shoe, you throw your arms up in the air.
"He's down! I win!"
>The crowd parts as you strut out of the circle, head held high.
>Today, you proved beyond a shadow of a doubt that no mere pony can match wits with the greatest earthling mind in Equestria
>Over the next several days, you receive a great many letters, congratulating you on your bloodless victory and asking to learn your ways firsthand.
>It's good to be on top.


-Pinkie being 'cute'-
>Be Anon at Dreamland Station
>It's been a long day, and all you really want is to sleep
>Thankfully, due to Ponyville's mildly remote location, once the sun sets things mellow out
>No loud music keeping you up for hours on end
>No parties carrying on into the early hours of predawn
>Just you
>The chirping insects
>And the light of the moon
>With a sigh of relief, you drop onto your bed and get comfortable
>It doesn't take much; the familiar embrace of the mattress promising you a smooth ride into the night
>Everything is good
>Everything is right
>And then there's a gentle creak
>You open your eye, vision roaming across the long shadows cast around the room
>The door is ajar
>Must be the wind
>Squiring back into the bed, you close your eye again
>"Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle."
>Both your eyes open this time.
>You grip the sheets tight
"H-Hello?"
>No response, either to you question, or to your eyes as you search for some sign of the sound
>But you know you heard something
>Despite your rational mind saying it's best to stay in bed, your nerves won't allow it
>So you sit up
>Swing your legs over your bed
>And get to your feet
>Or, rather, you do the first one
>And then there's a howl of a wild, untamable beast and a shadowy bullet rocketing into your chest
>"HACKIE SACKIE!"
>It hits you and you go like a sandbag, falling back onto the bed with a grunt
>The assailant sits high on your chest and stomach, with a long cape fluttering, a large club in hand, and a wild smile on their fa-
>Then the light from the moon hits them.
"Pinkie?"
>"Nonnapus."
>She somehow smiles wider, her blanket wrapped around her neck and a stuffed animal pressed against her hoof.
"What are you-"
>"Official business from the SWA."
"SWA?"
>"Snuggy-Wuggy- Agency."
"...That's not a real thing."
>"Shh."
>Pinkie shoves the stuffed bear into your face.
>As you sputter around it, she trots in a circle three times, then drops the entirety of her weight on your stomach

>It's only marshmallow fluff, but enough to still knock the window out of you
>She's also managed to wrap her blanket around herself, turning her into some kind of Pinkie Pie inspired cinnamon bun.
>Grabbing the bear with her mouth, she rests her head against it, bats her eyes at you, and then begins to snore.
>Wait
"Wait, Pinkie?"
>Nothing
"Pinkie?"
>You squirm, but even her marshmallow fluff proves difficult to escape from beneath
>And she shows no signs of waking from her dreamland party
>With nothing left to do, you stare at the ceiling and sigh
"I really hope I don't have to pee."
>Me too Anon
>Me too.

-Pinkie being 'cute' 2-

>Be 'Collector' Anon in Equestria
>The Comic and Toy Con has finally arrived
>And you are in your element
>But it is exhausting.
>Hauling yourself to a counter at Sugar Cube Corner, you sigh and sit down
"Pinkie, gimmie a milkshake."
>There's a grunt from beyond the wall.
>Good enough.
>Opening up your bag, you look over your haul for the day.
>Several toys, books, magazines, and comics rustle about, still glistening in the light from their snug plastic confines.
>It's good to be a barterer
>The clatter of glass on wood draws your attention back to the fore, and Pinkie's smile.
"Hey Pinks."
>"No-no-nona. Big day?"
>You grin and give the bag a shake.
"Absolutely. Some pretty good deals too, I got a really rare miscolored Mane-iac and Hero-Universe Humdrum."
>Grabbing your drink, you take a sip
>Smack your lips a couple times
>And then frown
"Pinkie?"
>"Yeeeeeessss?"
>Popping your lips again, you take another sip through the straw
"There, uh, seems to be something new in my strawberry-banana shake."
>"Oh, that's mint!"
"Mint?"
>It tastes terrible.
>You bite your tongue.
>"Mint."
>She reiterates, as though it weren't already obvious.
"But, why?"
>"Welllll, you remember how we were talking last week? And you showed me all those cool toys that I couldn't play with?"
"Yeah?"
>"You said that they were in mint condition."
"Pinkie, you didn't."
>She leans in close, blue eyes sparkling.
>"Oh, but I did! See, I thought about all the collectors like you coming into town, and realized that they're all after things which are in 'mint' condition!"
>Placing your face in your hands, you sigh.
"That's not how it works, Plink."
>"I know."
>There's a small sigh as her smile shrinks.
>"But I thought it might be fun to have 'mint-condition' shakes for the con."
>Huh.
>Gimmick, but not a bad idea.
>You finally smile.
"Pretty clever, Poink."
>Giggling, Pinkie bobs her head.
>"Yeah, I know. Ready to saddle up?"
"Sure, what's the damage?"
>"Fifty bits."
>Fucking
>Hawkers.