FINE THERAPY FINE

AlexithymiaaAlexithymiaa : -Steph was lying on the bathroom floor with her arm curled up under her head, having gotten sick repeatedly over the last half hour. She'd originally been supposed to be going to her first therapy appointment tonight, but between the anxiety of going and actually eating a meal, she'd made herself sick.-
Covet: Felix was trying to be supportive as he could, but he was still kind of annoyed with her after the doctor's appointment last week. He came into the bathroom with some sparkling water to help settle her stomach. He set it down near her on the floor and looked down at her. "Thought you might like that." He said to her, standing in the doorway, leaning agaist the frame.
Alexithymiaa: -She shifted her arm underneath her to prop her torso up, turning to look at him. "Thanks..." She reached for the bottle and removed the cap, taking a small sip and leaning against the tub behind her.-
Covet: "Sure." He said with a shrug, "So... how many nights of this are you going to have to suffer through, before we can actually get you to eat and to therapy?" Felix asked, trying to make that sound less cold than it had actually come out.
Alexithymiaa: -She took another small sip and set the bottle down next to her, living her eyes to look at him in the doorway. "I don't know, it's not an exact science. Hopefully not many."-
Covet: I
Covet: [nooo]
Covet: "I hope not." He told her, looking back at her. "If so, you're going to be finding that spot rather comfy, because I'll keep setting up the appointment. You're lucky they were able to schedule you in again this week."
Alexithymiaa: "I don't know if lucky is the word I would have used, but sure..." She trailed off, pulling her knees up to her chest when she felt her stomach flip at the mention of going into the office.-
Covet: "I don't really care what it's called. Just so long as you know this is going to happen. This needs to happen." He said to her.
Alexithymiaa: "I mean... it doesn't really need to happen. I've followed all of the doctor's instructions, I've been eating in a gradual incline... why exactly do I need to go to therapy? So she can try to convince me to eat? Well I'm already doing that." She lowered her chin to rest on top of her knees.-
Covet: "Yes. It does. Because it's not just about convincing you to eat. It's about helping you be able to manage your anxiety so that it's not crippling you every time it comes up. Because the doctor and I have both noticed a pattern of you refusing to eat around the anniversaries of traumatic events. This is all serious shit you need to work through and the therapist is the only one who knows how to do all of that." He said to her.
Alexithymiaa: "The therapist is also someone I've talked to numerous times before about this and countless other shit that's happened and nothing ever gets better. Am I supposed to just talk until I can learn to pretend it never happened?" She shot back a little bitterly.-
Covet: "Did you ever stop to think that maybe the problem isn't the therapist. That it's you?" Felix told her, irritated at her tone. "Yeah.. some bad shit's happened to you. There's nothing that's going to take that away, but you do get to decide when it's done controling you. But if you are going to fight the Therapist at every turn when all she's doing is trying to help, then of course it's never going to work. You have to be the willing one, to take back that control."
Alexithymiaa: "Of course the problem is me!" She raised her voice, getting frustrated. "That's why everyones trying to force me to go see a therapist, isn't it? Because I'm the problem? The issue is I'm never not going to be the problem. I will forever be my own problem and no therapist is going to be able to rewire me to change that. It's a waste of time and money. Do you know how much it costs for each session after insurance is done? And for what?"-
Covet: "For your fucking survival? You know your life." Felix said like Steph's statement was absolutely dumb. "You have problems, you aren't the problem. The problem is you fighting talking to someone and working out the emotional damage. It's like a scarred person, not wanting to go the plastic surgery, because they're afriad they won't look to good. The only thing this is going to do is help, and if that means keeping you alive, and in a much better mental state than this, then there isn't a price you can put on that, Especially when you and I both know that Money is NOT the issue here."
Alexithymiaa: "The last time I went to talk to her, she told me everything I was doing was wrong and everything about me was wrong. Why would I want to go back to listening to someone just belittling me and putting me down until I give in to be someone she thinks is better off? And I have to pay this woman to make me feel like a big pile of trash?" She shook her head, lowering her chin back down to her knees. "Money will be the issue when thousands of dollars later we can't afford our wedding. Or cat food. Or the mortgage."-
Covet: "Did she actually say that or is that just all you heard?" He asked her "Because you have a tendency to do that with doctors too. But she's not wrong, if what you were doing was harming you, than yeah. it was wrong. You know that, so why are you arguing that?" He told her. "But that's why there are better ways, to make it right. She's not belittling you, she's trying to get you to stop belittling yourself. If you don't like her then find someone else. This is fucking Portland, you can't tell me she's the only therapist in this whole fucking city."
Alexithymiaa: "I'm not talking about her telling me to stop restricting, she was literally telling me to stop being sarcastic and overall just have this fake chipper attitude about everything all the time. Like I'm sorry, but that's not me. I make sarcastic comments and I'm not an optimist all the time. Sometimes things suck and I'm not going to pretend they don't suck just for the sake of trying to be positive about it. It's all just fake and being fake doesn't fix the problem, it's just putting a big piece of newspaper over it." She frowned deeply. "Well all the doctors seem to think she's the only therapist in Portland because I keep being recommended to her."-
Covet: "Then Don't go to her. Just because they recomend you there, doesn't mean you HAVE to go there." Felix said. "I can kind of get where she's coming from with the sarcastic answers. Yes, you are a sarcasting person and nobody is saying you have to stop that, but when you're using it on top of your defiance to mask that hurt and pain you're holding onto... then yeah.. it's a problem. You don't need to be chipper, or pretend shit didn't happen. But you are doing that. You were just doing that at the hospital last week. You were chipper and all gung ho about eating more, pretending like you didn't just have a heart attack two weeks ago."
Covet: *Sarcastic
Alexithymiaa: "I wasn't pretending...." She started, keeping her voice low as she finished listening to him. "I genuinely want to be better and I meant everything I said. At no point was I pretending the heart attack didn't happen two weeks ago, but that doesn't mean I need to dwell on it and let it keep me from being healthy. If anything I feel like I'm trying my hardest in spite of the heart attack. I don't want that to be the rest of my life, so don't tell me that any of how I was acting was bullshit because it wasn't."-
Covet: "The minute you start taking all aspects of this seriously. Therapy included, is when I will fully believe that statement. Your mind is just as important as any of your other organs. So where you're no longer letting your stomach starve, and you're taking it easier on your heart, You're instead just letting your brain wither by not giving it what it needs to heal."
Alexithymiaa: "Art and music therapy are pretty commonly used tactics, both of which I've been doing. I really don't think I'm letting my brain wither just because I don't want to go to Dr. Ferguson and be disected. There are so many more beneficial things I could do with that time and money. I don't know why you're so hooked on this. I've taken every step the doctor said toward being healthier and the only thing that matters to you is that I pour my heart out to some stranger. Why?"-
Covet: "Painting and making music are not the only things you need. You can do all the other extra fun therapy stuff all day, but it's not going to deal with the actual issue, Those are the bandaids." Felix said. "I'm hooked on this because I see that you are still struggling with these issues and god forbid I fucking care about you. You haven't done every step. Therapy is one of those steps, Stephanie!" He said louder in frustration. " Being healthy isn't just about eating and exercising. and you know that... so stop fighting me on this. You talking to someone isn't the only thing that matters to me, I'm very proud at your approach to everything else, I just wish you'd have that same approach to your own mental health!"
Alexithymiaa: -She flinched when he raised his voice, dropping her own to a much calmer tone because she didn't want to get into a screaming match with him. "What exactly have you seen me struggling with?"-
Covet: "Are you kidding me? Do you think you hide it that well?" Felix asked her. "Or is it that you don't think I know you that well? Because I've seen you struggling since the day I met you. You've come a long ways since then, and you have your good moments where it's not an issue. But I've seen it..and I know it's there. I'm deaf. Not blind."
Alexithymiaa: "No, because I know what I struggle with and I was more curious which you were referring to than anything else since there's just such an abundance of shit, I wasn't sure what you were talking about." She picked up the bottle of sparkling water and took a small sip, clearing her throat. "I just want to live a normal life. That's all I want. I want to be done with going to the doctor every month for check ups, I want to be done with everyone in my life feeling like I need to be monitored, and I just want to be able to have a normal routine of working and school and family. Everyone I have spoken to has told me that realistically I should be in therapy for the rest of my life and I don't want to do that. It's like a constant reminder that I'm broken."-
Covet: "Normal, is all about perspective. You're going to have to have regular check ups whether it's monthly or quarterly, or yearly. I don't know why you've got this hatred and stigma to therapy, aside from all the other excuses you've given me. There's nothing wrong with going to therapy, there's nothing wrong with keeping up on your mental health. If it wasn't for therapy, do you know how fucked up I'd still probably be after the shit I've gone through? I'm still fucked up, but not nearly as much, because I know where I struggled and I've worked on that."
Alexithymiaa: "I didn't have this hatred until I went and felt like every single word out of my mouth was being over analyzed and judged. It's just such a gravely uncomfortable environment to be in. I'm not saying therapy doesn't work for some people, but I'm just not one of those people. I wasn't any better off after going, I was just hyper aware of how uncomfortable I was with it."-
Covet: "Because all you focused on is the negative that the therapist saw. It's their job to over analyze your words, to understand the issues at hand, and I can only imagine how much harder that is with someone who consistently doesn't always tell the truth, or conceals shit. But I'm not a professional. And that line is bullshit. It works for those who want it to work. You are under the impression that there is nothing wrong with how you think... but...how you think, is exactly what got you in this position. There's years of unprograming that has to be done, thanks to your Mother.
Alexithymiaa: "Wait, you think I'm a liar?" She asked, blinking in shock a few times. "And now you think there's something wrong with the way I think? Is there any more enlightening information you'd like to share with the class?" She asked sarcastically, trying to conceal how much that one hurt. Hah. Conceal. Get it? "Well jokes on me, because I guess the therapist isn'y the only one who's over analyzing everything I say." She turned her head away, resting it on the side of the tub and just staring at the wall.-
Covet: "You say that like we both haven't lied to each other. Repeatedly. By omission or otherwise." Felix said with a laugh, then groaned, "There are some ways that you think, that are fine, BUT there are things that are wrong, like how you're overly critical on yourself. You tear yourself down for not making unrealistic goals. Or for failing when you pushed yourself farther than you should have to begin with. Sorry that the realization that you aren't the spitting image of good mental health, is so hard on you."
Covet: [Lol bad pun]
AlexithymiaaAlexithymiaa : "There's nothing wrong with pushing myself to be the best that I can be. I admit I've taken it too far a few times, but overall I just want to be my best self and I don't think that's a bad way to look at things. I've long abandoned my mother's ridiculous expectations of me, which is why she's not a part of my life anymore. I've taken my own health into my own hands and I just wanted to be trusted to do right by myself for once in my life. That's all I want, is for you to see that I can in fact do this."-
Covet: "You haven't abandoned them. You've taken them upon yourself. Which is why you're so hard on yourself, and why you end up pushing yourself farther than you should. Just because you got rid of her, doesn't mean that the years of shit she put in your head has left too. If it had you wouldn't be sitting here on the floor making yourself sick over having to eat something substantial. I do trust you, but that also means that I trust you won't go through with the therapy unless you're pushed. No amount of encouraging, or babying or sugar coating is going to convince you. If you truely want to do right for yourself, then you would go to the fucking therapy. I know you can do it, which is exactly why I'm being so persistent."
Alexithymiaa: "You're being so persistent because you like to be a pain in my ass..." She mumbled more to herself. She extended her legs and let them drop to the floor dramatically, sighing loudly like it was the end of the world. "Fine, but I'm not going to Ferguson. And if I go to whoever this new person is and I don't like them either, I'm not going back to them."-
Covet: "Hey, I stick with what I know best." Felix said watching her. "We'll go through as many therapists as it takes, to find the right fit. I don't care about that, I just care about you."
Alexithymiaa: -She let her shoulders slump because now she was annoyed at herself for agreeing to go to therapy. "If you care about me, can you please brush your teeth before we get into bed? I can smell the cereal on your breath from here and it's turning my stomach again."-
Covet: Felix brought his hand up and smelled his breath, then gave a shrugh, "Yeah I was going to anyways, but I'll do it now." He said and went about brushing his teeth.
Alexithymiaa: "Thank you." She mumbled, waiting for him to brush his teeth so she could do the same and crawl into bed to be exhausted.-