When my brother was born in 1985, my mother purchased two identical teddy bears, the one on the left has been my brothers for 30 years, the one on the right has been kept in storage for my brothers first child, who was born today,

Someone in my german class had a birthday today so his friend suggested that we sing, so everyone started singing the song in german but my teacher stopped us and said that a lot of germans just sing it in english so he made us sing the song in english but with a german accent,
I’m crying because that’s actually just what we do,

Gently places single crisp autumn leaf atop my instant noodles, garnished,
Do you eat the leaf or is it just for decoration,
I only eat the lead, the noodles are the garnish,

Cryptids of opposing powers,
Egg and legg,

A raccoon, a tree and a disney princess,
I see no difference,

Palpatine, at the end of every trilogy,
Anyway, i started zapping,

In 2018 we start oppressing people who like their hot chocolate with water,
If you’re lactose intolerant you can stay but you’re on fricking thin ice,
I eat the powder straight from the pack,
Hey do you know how horrible what you just said was,

This app can teach you a language in just 15 hours,
What the frick is this i’m so fricking scared,
Fifteen hours remain,

What if your friend had a freak accident where his thang got cut off and he need a dong transplant and he ask you for 3 inches,
How he gon ask me for all i got,

People with a dog, he’s half british spaniel, ¼ french basset hound, ⅛ tibetan magic flower and his ancestors won world war 2,
People with a cat, this is nacho and he’s an ashole,

In new zealand, there is a man legally known as, the wizard, who is an educator, comedian, magician, and politician, some of his political ideas include,
Abolishing old fashioned gender roles,
Travelling to find, the center of the universe,
Replacing god and the church with wizardry and the world wide web,
Wizard, the,
This is the wizard, reblog in 35 seconds to reveal the secrets of the center of the universe and abolish old fashioned gender roles,

Call the national guard,
Help i’m out of beer,

Looks like his ex wife's aim finally got better,

Aliens have just arrived on earth, and they are looking for a human to, mate, with, there is a lottery, and your name is picked, as they bring you into their ship, the strangely attractive alien prince looks at you and says, mine,
Craft, i reply,
The prince nods and pulls two 2014 iphones from his pocket,

Today i learned that jaguars have been reported to eat the hallucinogenic ayahuasca root before they hunt, indigenous people of the amazon believe the jaguars do it to sharpen their senses,
Cats can have little a D M T, as a treat,

Everything in moderation except women with swords,
Everything can be improved by adding more women with swords and if you disagree prepare to meet my blade,

Troubling graffiti spotted in manarola,
All i see is a band name and a debut album title,

What if you’re giving birth to twins and it’s the end of daylights savings day and the older twin was born first but the second twin travels back in time and is born an hour before the first twin, would that be fricked up or what,

You deserve to be loved without having to hide the parts of yourself that you think are unlovable,

Ya wanna go mate,
You’re in desperate need of a comma,

If you see this post, shrek will protect you for eternity,
Thank you shrek,

Psychic, reads my mind,
Me, istanbul was Constantinople, now its istanbul, not constantinople,
Been a long time gone, oh constantinople,
Why did constantinople get the works,
That’s nobody’s business but the turks,
Psychic, what the frick,

When i’m playing out a daydream scenario in my head and i catch myself trying to rush to the good part,
No no, hold back, save it,

Can i get uh, McDeath,
Is that that one play by shakespeare,
Yeah,

Swear words are illegal now, if you say one you’ll be fined,
Heck,
You’re on think fricking ice,
Oh no,

Concept, fortune cookies but instead of fortunes you get vine references,
I won’t hesitate, beach,
What if they started selling these in school cafeterias,

Drug smugglers shoot drugs across border with cannon,
America is never going to win this war on drugs holy crap,
What’s that flying across the sky, is it a bird, is it a plane, no it’s a bag of crack cocaine,

Pops my throat open and starts shooting out my vertebrae like a pez dispenser,
Wow you really just typed that huh,

Haha, you got more pics,
Of what,
Anything,

Is that obama,
I can’t tell, they are hiding their I P address,

Michelle, you asked him about the home alone traps,
Joe, yup,
Michelle, and changing the door knobs,
Joe, he said, no, to that too,
Michelle, what about the,
Joe, interrupting, he said no to everything,
They both pause, thinking,
Michelle, maybe we should stop telling him,
Joe, you read my mind,
This is literally the best one yet, and probably the best one ever,

Coming up with schemes with your best friend,
Was this movie even real,
How does an 80 year old woman have the same cardio as fit athletic muscle man this show man,
A dude turned into a llama and you’re questioning why an old lady is as fit as a muscly guy,
But, what does that have to do with anything,

Pretty kitty,
Tigers do the stupid tongue thing too,
Tigers are just big cats,

Michael myers, freddy krueger, jason voorhees,
Tell me i’m wrong,

So i bought lemonade from these little girls lemonade stand and as i was leaving one of them yelled, you’re welcome for the lemonade and good luck fighting the dragon, so now i’m slightly concerned about how the rest of my day is going to go,
Getting the lemonade was clearly the start of your fantasy quest,

How my mom and i communicate,
Mom, buy more gushers,
Get a job,

Sir would you like your dr. pepper with or without pulp,

Avatar 2, delayed until at least 2015, says jon landau,
Can’t wait,
Any day now,

The strong female characters that inspire me,

The worst thing yzma did in emperors new groove was hating on kronk's spinach puffs,
Everything she did to kuzco is understandable because he’s been a dong to her so many times, but kronk is an innocent,

What the heck is with this horse what, why, what the frick is going on horse, i love you,

Wingardium leviosa potter, you were named so that every time a teacher yells at you they’re going to make stuff fly around the room, your mother wanted to call you fred, but i thought this would be more true to his memory,
Okay this one is legit hilarious,

It was my husbands turn to feed her,
This person married a branch of bananas,

Welcome to the hotel california,
Such a lovely place,
Such a lovely face,

Accidentally pasted this into an email instead of my e signature, and in my panic to delete it managed to send it, aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah,
Worth trying to accomodate the request if at all possible,
Best wishes, katy,

No way noooooo way,
Pokemon sword shield,
Nintendo switch,
You guys aren't gonna believe this,

Me age 15 sitting alone in an oversized hoodie listening to pompeii by bastille through my broken apple earbuds at school feeling deeply depressed but also thinking i was the most interesting and unique person alive,

Only in north dakota,

The domain penis.com is available for two and a half million dollars,
A small price to pay for penis.com,

Oh crap, they announced a new warframe,

I wish i had 2 lungs so I could smoke weed while i’m smoking weed,
I wish this relatable character hadn’t been cut out of the wizard of oz,

I love antics and shenanigans, also tomfoolery,
And don't forget, the often overlooked, hooliganism,

Someone, mentions a tri state area,
My brain to this day,

Girl are you from hawaii, because your license plate says hawaii on it also how did you drive across the ocean,

You’re such a crybaby,
Me,

Beeps a question,
No i don't think he likes you at all,
Beeps another question,
No i don't like you either,
Sad beep,
Protect him,

Show me a motherfricker who is unlimited,
Long have i waited for the right moment to post this picture,
7000 calorie fruit by the foot,

Neither, because brownies are so fricking nasty and so are the bitches who eat them,
Pick one, edge piece, center piece,
I’m sorry that nobody in your family can bake,
My moms a private chef and im in culinary training, dont roast us like this,
I'm sorry that your mom went to culinary school and still can't bake,

I’ve had this smiley face balloon for 4 years because it won't deflate and i feel bad popping it, its smug aura mocks me,
You,
Satans friendly form,

Am i the good boy, really,
I mean this in the most sincere, heart filled with love way, this dog looks like a worm on a string,

I got the new issue of star wars insider today and this picture was in it,
Rey is the driver who insists that she can make the yellow light and finn is the friend screaming in the passenger seat,

When you’re in a fight and they make a good point,
This meme is too advanced for me,

I have a friend who is colorblind,
I have another friend with synesthesia where she sees colors when she listens to music,
My colorblind friend has always wanted to see color and because my friend with synesthesia and my colorblind friend have the same taste in music, she describes color to my colorblind friend by relating it back to music,
Like, the sky is duke ellington's satin doll,
And it is the purest thing, this is what pure friendship is,
That’s so weirdly amazing,